1 00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:06,548 Let go. Let go. 2 00:00:06,631 --> 00:00:08,633 (alarm beeping) 3 00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:25,066 (gurgling) 4 00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:40,540 (pings) 5 00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:43,585 This is Dateline: Springfield. 6 00:00:43,668 --> 00:00:45,545 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:54,220 From a distance, the Simpsons were the perfect family. 8 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:57,057 Homer and Marge were high school sweethearts. 9 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,476 She saved me from a dateless prom. 10 00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:02,062 He saved me from a life with my sisters. 11 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:05,607 Those two are monsters. Cut to them, you'll see. 12 00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:07,859 What are you filming us for? 13 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,780 NARRATOR: Marge and Homer raised their three kids 14 00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:13,823 in an atmosphere of love, laughter 15 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,825 and crushing economic anxiety. 16 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:18,620 The only thing they needed was each other. 17 00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:21,998 When I first met the Simpsons, in 1947, 18 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:25,585 they were building affordable homes in Pennsylvania. 19 00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:29,089 Little Maggie was going to be the next Lindbergh baby. 20 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:33,426 But John Foster Dulles had other ideas. 21 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,011 Don't interview Grampa. 22 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:38,098 He almost made Ken Burns quit the business. 23 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,474 (laughs) 24 00:01:39,557 --> 00:01:43,269 That pompous old fool was more boring than baseball. 25 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,146 NARRATOR: Little did the Simpsons suspect 26 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,189 that their American dream 27 00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,691 was about to be flipped upside down 28 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:51,486 by the spatula of crime. 29 00:01:51,569 --> 00:01:54,489 Home to a nuclear power plant and an active volcano, 30 00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:57,242 Springfield seemed like the safest place in the world. 31 00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,077 (all exclaim) 32 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,621 But that tranquility was about to be shattered 33 00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:03,206 in a mysterious crime 34 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:05,875 that would tear the Simpson family apart. 35 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:08,878 Tear us apart? Nothing can tear us apart. 36 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,255 Tear us apart. 37 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:12,590 Mom, stop saying "tear us apart." 38 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:14,592 It's tearing us apart! 39 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,845 Who wants mac and cheese? 40 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:18,388 NARRATOR: Our conscienceless reenactment 41 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,640 begins as Marge and Lisa return home 42 00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:22,225 from a trip to the market. 43 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:23,810 MARGE: Whatever we didn't spend, I'd donate 44 00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:27,438 to Lisa's secret college fund. 45 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,440 LISA: We hid it in the last place 46 00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:31,109 the men in this family would look. 47 00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,236 MARGE: (chuckles) A jar of cleanser. 48 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:36,239 What happened next was one of those life-changing moments 49 00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:39,159 that always seem to happen under the sink. 50 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:40,785 NARRATOR: The entire college fund-- 51 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:44,414 $670.42-- was gone. 52 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:46,499 And just like that, Lisa's dream 53 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,376 of going to college for three weeks 54 00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:50,795 without a food plan was over. 55 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,589 For any parent of young children, 56 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:56,801 the thing you dread most is losing a can full of money. 57 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,498 Uh, Chief, you found something? 58 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:31,294 Zero evidence of Pringles, so... 59 00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,171 (sighs) 60 00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:34,756 So we were back at square one. 61 00:03:34,839 --> 00:03:36,299 It was not your typical break-in. 62 00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:37,842 No sign of forced entry. 63 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,844 I mean, the dog didn't even bark. 64 00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:43,765 Somebody knew exactly where to rub him. The tummy. 65 00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:46,017 (moans) 66 00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:49,229 NARRATOR: A police reenactment confirmed the chief's theory. 67 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:51,231 (moans): Oh, oh, God, that's great. 68 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,066 Oh, there's no way I'm barking. 69 00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:55,652 Oh, Lou, you got to teach my wife to do this. 70 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,862 NARRATOR: With zero evidence of a break-in, 71 00:03:57,946 --> 00:04:00,657 police suspicion turned to the family. 72 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:03,243 Just didn't pass what cops call "the smell test." 73 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,662 I've watched a lot of cop shows in my day. 74 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,664 I consider myself something of an amateur policeman. 75 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,165 (chuckles) 76 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,168 Let me just stop this documentary, or "doc," 77 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,795 here and now. 78 00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:16,047 We are good people. 79 00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:19,175 We do not steal. 80 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,593 That's borrowing. 81 00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,262 Borrowing. 82 00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:25,890 Bor-ro-wing. 83 00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:29,727 NARRATOR: And so this nuclear family began to explode, 84 00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,605 as suspicion focused on one man. 85 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:35,650 Oh, what about the important clue the police missed? 86 00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:38,653 Somebody set a drink down here without a coaster. 87 00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:40,905 That had to be a stranger. 88 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,407 This is an expensive table, 89 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:45,910 and my family knows I don't want it stained. 90 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,205 D'oh... 91 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,707 NARRATOR: Springfield detectives made 92 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:53,167 a desperate plea to the public for help. 93 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,295 -They didn't have to wait long. -(phone beeps) 94 00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,505 MILHOUSE (over phone): Nelson came to school today 95 00:04:57,588 --> 00:04:59,090 with a salon-quality haircut. 96 00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:02,593 His family doesn't even have money for milk. 97 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,762 He eats cereal with rain water. 98 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:07,098 -(phone beeps) -SIDESHOW MEL: Mr. Teeny stole the money, 99 00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:09,100 like he steals all my scenes. 100 00:05:09,183 --> 00:05:11,769 I swear it on my very bone. 101 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:14,564 Sincerely, anonymous caller. 102 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:17,358 But just as you're about to give up after two calls, 103 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,694 -you hit pay dirt. -(phone beeps) 104 00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:21,821 HELEN (over phone): I would like to accuse Marge Simpson 105 00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:24,407 of stealing that money to feed her gambling habit. 106 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,284 She told my husband, the minister, 107 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:27,618 that she was an addict. 108 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,662 In confidence, but, you know. 109 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:30,872 (Helen chuckles) 110 00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:32,957 ♪ ♪ 111 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,337 NARRATOR: Marge Simpson. This suburban mother 112 00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,172 with Olive Oyl good looks 113 00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:42,759 had kicked her gambling habit years ago. Or had she? 114 00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:45,136 MARGE: I admit it. I couldn't resist the temptation. 115 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:46,971 But then I did. 116 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:48,848 NARRATOR: Marge walked out of the casino 117 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,600 and off the suspect list. 118 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:52,560 Shockingly, the mystery would not be solved 119 00:05:52,643 --> 00:05:54,645 in the first five minutes of the show. 120 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:57,231 With Marge's name cleared, the police moved 121 00:05:57,315 --> 00:06:00,485 to the next suspect on their list: Homer Simpson. 122 00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,904 Homer's bar tab was spiraling out of control. 123 00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,322 Five, six hundred bucks. 124 00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:06,824 That night, Moe cut him off. 125 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,910 (dramatic music playing) 126 00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,876 ♪ I'm sorry... ♪ 127 00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:19,837 Yeah, our theory was that Homer came home, wasted, he fell, 128 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:22,465 he shimmied and he found the money under the sink there, 129 00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:25,468 and he figured he'd just use it to pay his tab. 130 00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:27,804 Well it's indisputable that Homer visited the kitchen 131 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,430 before going to bed. 132 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:32,266 You see, we found spaghetti sauce splatter 133 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:35,103 consistent with a very violent late-night snack. 134 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:39,315 This is, ah, this is not a flayvin situation. 135 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:43,194 Although, I still am compelled to say flayvin. 136 00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,779 LOU: Sauce on the walls, the ceiling, 137 00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:46,739 under Homer's fingernails. 138 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,200 That pasta fought hard for its life. 139 00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:51,702 What that man did to those leftovers... 140 00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:54,288 I'm sorry, I-I can't continue. 141 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,582 NARRATOR: But if the kitchen had been a tomato-soaked abattoir 142 00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:59,961 that night, why had no one noticed in the morning? 143 00:07:00,044 --> 00:07:01,963 Hmm. 144 00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,673 LOU: He cleaned up the kitchen after stuffing 145 00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,675 all the money into his pockets, 146 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:08,219 so we just had to get those pants. 147 00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,805 Fortunately, a simple sting did the trick. 148 00:07:10,888 --> 00:07:12,473 (Homer humming) 149 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,976 Ooh, Super Bowl in July! 150 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:18,938 (chuckles) 151 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,608 No money in these pants. 152 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:26,237 All we find is candy-coated peanuts, popcorn and a prize. 153 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,489 Now, that's some Cracker Jack detective work. 154 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:31,284 (laughs): Get it? Cracker Jack? 155 00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:32,702 (chuckles): Yeah. Yeah. 156 00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:35,079 But as for evidence, we, uh, we got nothing. 157 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,914 With Homer still the prime suspect, 158 00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:39,083 and the investigation stalled, 159 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,919 Deadline: Springfield was in dire straits. 160 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:45,256 The show desperately needed a cliffhanger commercial break. 161 00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:47,216 What if the real criminal mastermind 162 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,553 was billionaire Montgomery Burns? 163 00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:53,222 Why would I steal $600? 164 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,600 That's nothing to me. 165 00:07:55,683 --> 00:08:00,188 This is what rich is. Smithers, bring me some more money. 166 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,190 Need more convincing? 167 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,108 No. We'll be right back. 168 00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,776 (moans) 169 00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:09,947 NARRATOR: Police returned to their first theory: 170 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:12,074 could Homer Simpson have done it? 171 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,910 Oh, definitely. Hey, you're gonna distort 172 00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:15,536 my voice for this, right? 173 00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:16,954 'Cause I don't want no one knowing 174 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,289 that this is Moe Szyslak here. 175 00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,500 Oh, and cut the name, too, yeah? 176 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,001 NARRATOR: As Moe Szyslak said, 177 00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,837 Homer was definitely a suspect. 178 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,715 It was pretty clear Chief liked Homer Simpson for this case. 179 00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:31,552 Well, geez, Lou, I wouldn't say that I liked-liked him. 180 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:34,305 I just, uh... Why, did he say something about me? 181 00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:36,390 I mean you thought he was a person of interest. 182 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:39,018 Shut up. I can find someone interest-ing 183 00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:42,230 without being interest-ed in them. 184 00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:43,314 Shut up. 185 00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:44,732 Yeah, but then new evidence came in 186 00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:46,400 that apparently cleared Homer. 187 00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:49,445 Phone records showed a six-hour call from Homer's phone 188 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,739 to a third party on the night of the crime. 189 00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:54,367 The DNA revealed that it was a butt dial. 190 00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:57,036 Yeah, and not just to someone on his speed dial list. 191 00:08:57,119 --> 00:09:00,915 Uh-uh. His dexterous cheeks dialed all ten digits. 192 00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:03,209 (phone beeping) 193 00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:06,003 DISCO STU (over phone): Disco Stu is unavailable for you. 194 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,673 At the beep, you know what to do. 195 00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:10,675 When police played back Homer's message, 196 00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,761 it revealed a horrifying truth. 197 00:09:13,844 --> 00:09:15,263 Homer didn't scrub the spaghetti sauce 198 00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:17,223 off that kitchen with cleanser. 199 00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,351 The sick bastard licked those walls clean. 200 00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,812 (Homer mumbling, moaning) 201 00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:26,691 He had a little help. 202 00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:28,776 (barking) 203 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:31,571 (yowls) 204 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:33,447 (grunting) 205 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:36,492 My first thought was to delete the message, sure, 206 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,496 but then I started grooving to that slurping safari. 207 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:44,333 I hadn't heard any other music than disco in so long. 208 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,295 Sometimes a persona can just... 209 00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:49,422 it becomes a trap, you know? 210 00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:52,550 I knew it couldn't be Homer. Every Simpson is innocent. 211 00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:54,385 NARRATOR: Until proven guilty. 212 00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:56,637 No. Just innocent. 213 00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,307 What are you doing? Stop panning across the family. 214 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,142 They didn't do it. 215 00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:04,770 Finally. I've been expecting you. 216 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,772 (laughs) 217 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:09,442 Like any normal, healthy boy, Bart has been the focus 218 00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:11,986 of numerous police investigations. 219 00:10:12,069 --> 00:10:14,405 But a mother knows when her son is innocent. 220 00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:16,157 And when she's kidding herself, 221 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,159 and when she's turning a blind eye. 222 00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:19,827 This time he's innocent. 223 00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:21,621 Just ask his friends. 224 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:25,166 -State your name for the record. -Bart Simpson took the money. 225 00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:27,460 I admit I knew about the money under the sink, 226 00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:30,296 but whatever I borrowed, I always put back. 227 00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:32,256 Also, $600? 228 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:35,468 What would a ten-year-old boy do with that much money? 229 00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:37,845 Slime. Bart was buying slime. 230 00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:40,348 I've never seen such a cooperative witness. 231 00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:43,225 I brought extra batteries for your tape recorder, too. 232 00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:45,686 NARRATOR: Slime. The gooey, harmless 233 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,981 plaything wildly popular with kids today. 234 00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:54,862 I'd seen all the fads: yo-yos, pogs, Pokémon, crunking, 235 00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:57,823 the short stories of John Cheever. 236 00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,034 But this beat them all. 237 00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:02,036 ♪ On a clear day ♪ 238 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:06,582 ♪ Rise and look around ♪ 239 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,293 ♪ You ♪ 240 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:13,214 ♪ And you will see who ♪ 241 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,175 (grunts) 242 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:18,886 ♪ You are. ♪ 243 00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:25,559 ♪ ♪ 244 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,986 My plan was, if I owned all the slime, I'd set the price, 245 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:38,531 except that's when the bottom fell out. 246 00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:45,079 (screaming) 247 00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:46,872 Lucky for me, there was one gullible schlub 248 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,874 who didn't realize the craze was over. 249 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:51,043 I sold my entire stash to him. 250 00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:54,505 I have not agreed to be in your documentary. 251 00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:56,716 Please go. 252 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,843 BART: So I put the money back I had borrowed 253 00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:01,053 from under the sink, and I filmed it 254 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,389 because I knew no one would believe me. 255 00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,683 NARRATOR: So that's everyone in the Simpson family, 256 00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:09,061 except for Lisa, of course. It couldn't be her, right? 257 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,439 Nah. Well, let's look at the... 258 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,065 Oh, for God's sake. 259 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,693 I asked Lisa where she was when the money was stolen 260 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:20,156 and she said, "Chillin'. You know, maxin' and relaxin'." 261 00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:23,033 Now these are the words of a very cool person, 262 00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:25,578 but Lisa Simpson is not even a little cool. 263 00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:27,413 So... (chuckles) huh. 264 00:12:27,496 --> 00:12:28,998 MARGE: Oh, come on. 265 00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:33,002 No one, I repeat no one, would believe Lisa could do it. 266 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:36,172 But she's also a girl who wants a new saxophone. 267 00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,548 I'm just saying. 268 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,512 I've been Lisa's supplier for years. 269 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,765 Reeds, wipes, valve grease. 270 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,100 Would she commit a crime over a new sax? 271 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,145 (chuckles) Did Dave Brubeck compose in 9/8 time? 272 00:12:51,228 --> 00:12:53,439 He did. We'll count it out together. 273 00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:55,524 (humming "Blue Rondo à la Turk" by Dave Brubeck) 274 00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:09,663 Go ahead, give it a spin. 275 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,749 (playing "Night Lights" by Gerry Mulligan) 276 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,519 Oh, it's the best bari sax on the market, 277 00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:34,438 a Smoothphone Jazzhonker in black nickel. 278 00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:37,983 (chuckles) But I wouldn't steal for it. 279 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,027 NARRATOR: When we come back, Lisa did it. 280 00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:42,947 -No, I didn't. -Lisa, it's your bedtime. 281 00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:46,200 I got to go. My mom's reading me Harry Potter book four. 282 00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:48,494 NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, the one where Cedric Diggory dies? 283 00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:50,120 -You suck. -NARRATOR: You did it! 284 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:52,790 No, you did it, jerk. 285 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:58,504 Okay, okay. Time's up. 286 00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:01,799 (grunts) The reed's mine. 287 00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:04,301 NARRATOR: You can't spell greed without reed. 288 00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:05,594 Check it out. 289 00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:11,600 Why did we agree to do this documentary? 290 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,644 Because all our biggest stars today 291 00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:15,896 come from true crime documentaries: 292 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,023 The Jinx, Making a Murderer 293 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:20,568 and Matt Lauer on the Today Show. 294 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,654 NARRATOR: It turns out Lisa did not buy the new saxophone. 295 00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:25,281 Someone else did. 296 00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:28,158 I've always wanted to play bari sax, 297 00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:32,288 but my father insisted on tenor. 298 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:34,832 In you go. 299 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:41,505 -What do you think of this? -You're still a disappointment. 300 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,632 (shouts) 301 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,259 NARRATOR: But if Lisa was innocent, 302 00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:48,512 why was she so reluctant to explain her whereabouts 303 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,139 at the time of the crime? 304 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,475 Shut up about my Lisa! I can tell you where she was. 305 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,144 -She was... -Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup! 306 00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,313 Mom! Mom! No! Err! 307 00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,398 Apparently, some of the girls at school were... 308 00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:02,484 Let's just say I stole the money, okay? End of documentary. 309 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,486 See you at the Independent Spirit Awards. 310 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,114 I took her to her hopscotch tutor. 311 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:09,325 LISA: I was hanging on by a thread, 312 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,660 and now the whole world will joke about 313 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,662 how I am the only girl 314 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,582 who ever needed a hopscotch tutor. 315 00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:18,542 Lisa, just repeat after me. 316 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:21,045 One foot, two foot, one foot, one foot, two foot, one foot, 317 00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:22,254 two foot, one foot... 318 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:25,925 So stupid. Who invented this game? 319 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:29,595 The Scotch invented hopscotch and Scotch tape! 320 00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:32,640 -What about scotch whiskey? -Never heard of it. 321 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:35,392 See, I told you. All innocent. 322 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:38,395 So maybe now you vultures can leave us be. 323 00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,230 NARRATOR: We've taken up enough of your time. 324 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:41,398 Let's go, guys. 325 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,484 ♪ ♪ 326 00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:50,240 What are you doing? My family's in the clear. 327 00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:53,452 I want you to apologize to my wife! 328 00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:56,330 NARRATOR: Apologize? (chuckles) Us? 329 00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,374 Oh, you will, and you know why? 330 00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:02,336 I am the last person that watches network television, 331 00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:06,090 including the commercials. 332 00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:08,008 (grunts) 333 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,301 I apologize. 334 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:10,719 MARGE: Now promise that this scene 335 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,554 will not be removed in editing. 336 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:15,265 I can't promise that, only the editor can. 337 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,309 -I got him. -I'm gonna report you 338 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,687 to the American Cinema Editors. 339 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:22,022 (scoffs) It's just an honorary society. 340 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,358 You take that back! 341 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,989 Whew. What a relief. So who did do it? 342 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:32,866 It was obviously Bart. It's always Bart. 343 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:35,619 Hey, nothing is my fault 'cause Dad raised me so rotten. 344 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:38,872 Well, nothing is my fault 'cause my dad raised me so rotten. 345 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,083 Don't blame me. 346 00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:43,919 It was a race out the door and your mother won. 347 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,546 -Oh, yeah? -It was Bart! 348 00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:48,841 -(overlapping arguing) -Goes to show how irresponsible you are! 349 00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:50,843 Shut up, all you innocent people. 350 00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:52,720 I wish I was never responsible for you. 351 00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:54,513 Stop it, stop it! 352 00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,724 You're tearing this family apart. 353 00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:59,601 And stop calling the sofa a love seat! 354 00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,353 I barely like it! 355 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:04,523 NARRATOR: The great Simpson Robbery remains unsolved. 356 00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,692 Justice may never be served, 357 00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:09,903 but at the end of the day, what matters is that we enjoyed 358 00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:11,864 watching bad things happen to human beings 359 00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:13,198 who aren't us. 360 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,784 Aah! Help, Mother. 361 00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,829 (Ralph humming) 362 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:21,999 (Lisa groans) 363 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:25,002 WIGGUM: You try not to dwell on your innumerable failures. 364 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,921 Instead, you stare out to sea and try to look like 365 00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,757 you're thinking deep thoughts. 366 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,884 Just like this. 367 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:34,136 Yeah. 368 00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:35,345 You got what you need? 369 00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:37,514 'Cause I got an itch, I got to scratch it. 370 00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:43,687 Now let's celebrate. 371 00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:45,564 We got through a documentary looking better 372 00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:46,982 than before it started. 373 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,526 Nobody's done that since André the Giant. 374 00:17:51,278 --> 00:17:53,697 Homer Simpson, you'll leave a ring. 375 00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:56,742 Ta-da! A snap-on coaster. 376 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:58,202 Nifty, huh? 377 00:17:58,285 --> 00:18:00,079 What the...? Where'd you get this thing? 378 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:02,414 I invented it. 379 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:05,125 How many of these things did you have made? 380 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:08,045 A thousand. I wanted to start a business. 381 00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:12,174 A thousand, huh? That must've been expensive. 382 00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:16,011 That's what I thought, but it was only 65 cents apiece. 383 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,681 So 650 bucks total? 384 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,809 When did you get so good at your timeses? 385 00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:25,687 (gasps) It was you, but the whole time you denied it. 386 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,481 It was always you! 387 00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:30,609 (sobbing) I-I can explain. 388 00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:32,611 No! No explanation. 389 00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,238 Kids, get in here! 390 00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:37,449 For once in this marriage, you did the wrong thing. 391 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,326 I am going to savor this. 392 00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:42,412 I am gonna wait until I do something wrong, and then... 393 00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,081 (glass shatters) 394 00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:45,499 Okay, we're even. 395 00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:47,876 Let-let me just explain why. 396 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,838 Every day, you go out to your friends, to Moe's. 397 00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:53,006 Life to you is an adventure. 398 00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:55,884 And I had an idea, an idea for something 399 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,303 that might make me somebody. 400 00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:01,098 But I admit it, I was gambling, 401 00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:02,599 on myself. 402 00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:05,185 (sobbing): I understand, honey. 403 00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:08,105 I completely understand. 404 00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:10,607 (both sobbing) 405 00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:13,443 -What's going on? -Well, Lisa, 406 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:16,321 -I'm afraid I have to say... -Lisa, I just want you to know 407 00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:20,450 your mother's about to say that the money was eaten by rats. 408 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:23,120 -But... -How did rats get inside the can? 409 00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:25,247 Uh... Grampa left it open. 410 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,709 Oh, why do they blame everything around here on me? 411 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:31,003 -(microwave dings) -Oh, good, the cat's done. 412 00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:34,965 Marge, I'd like to take a walk with the greatest woman ever. 413 00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:36,466 Oh. 414 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:40,345 From that moment on, Homer and I had never been closer. 415 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,890 HOMER: We shared a dark secret. 416 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,892 It was so sexy. 417 00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,518 (both moaning) 418 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,937 Marge, I have a secret, too. 419 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,690 (whispers): I'm losing my hair. 420 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,864 "The Great Simpson Robbery remains unsol..." 421 00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:01,491 W-Wait, what do you mean, unsolved? 422 00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,660 (stammers) What the hell is this? 423 00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:06,580 My public expects me to solve the mystery, Bob. 424 00:20:06,663 --> 00:20:09,583 It's not like we can just change the format of the show. 425 00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:11,543 You just read the copy. 426 00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,712 Our viewers want one thing, it's simple: 427 00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:16,506 solve the freakin' crime, be told who did it. 428 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,383 (hoarsely): And I am the soothing voice, 429 00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:19,426 -the reassuring voice that... 430 00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:20,427 -(pop) -Aah! 431 00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,095 (quietly): Did you hear that? Oh, my God, 432 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:24,848 I snapped my right vocal cord-- that's the dulcet one. 433 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,434 Quick, prep him for cord transplant. 434 00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,561 ♪ ♪ 435 00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:30,979 We don't have a human donor. 436 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,273 All we have is the vocal cord of a sheep. 437 00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:39,446 And I'm (bleating): ba-a-ack. 438 00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:42,783 He has an unbelievable work ethic for a voice-over actor. 439 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,622 Shh! 440 00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:36,003 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH