1 00:00:02,782 --> 00:00:04,553 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:07,491 --> 00:00:10,096 We sure lucked out with this new gig. 3 00:00:10,163 --> 00:00:12,401 Half day on Christmas, unpaid polio leave, 4 00:00:12,467 --> 00:00:14,639 and all the bread crumbs you can sweep. 5 00:00:18,012 --> 00:00:20,150 Mac, we just got our first paychecks. 6 00:00:20,216 --> 00:00:22,722 Take this money and turn it into giggle water. 7 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,728 (stammers) FICA?! 8 00:00:25,795 --> 00:00:26,697 What the hell is that? 9 00:00:26,763 --> 00:00:28,901 Eh, that's your Social Security tax. 10 00:00:28,968 --> 00:00:30,705 Government takes our money, 11 00:00:30,771 --> 00:00:33,911 then gives it back when you retire in 50 years. 12 00:00:33,978 --> 00:00:36,783 What? Stupid government thinks it's smarter than me. 13 00:00:36,850 --> 00:00:38,252 I can handle my money. 14 00:00:38,319 --> 00:00:41,225 Put five bucks on any two animals fighting. 15 00:00:42,027 --> 00:00:43,296 And I'll eat the loser. 16 00:00:43,363 --> 00:00:45,400 We're not gonna need Social Security. 17 00:00:45,467 --> 00:00:46,335 We're gonna be rich. 18 00:00:46,402 --> 00:00:49,274 Yeah, we'll never need government help. 19 00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:51,212 Help me, government! 20 00:00:51,278 --> 00:00:53,717 We need our Social Security checks. 21 00:00:53,784 --> 00:00:56,923 Make rain a modest, fixed amount. 22 00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:59,161 ♪ Here comes the money ♪ 23 00:00:59,228 --> 00:01:01,065 - ♪ Here we go ♪ - ♪ Money talks ♪ 24 00:01:01,132 --> 00:01:02,568 ♪ Here comes the money ♪ 25 00:01:02,635 --> 00:01:04,806 ♪ Money, money, money, money, money, money, money ♪ 26 00:01:04,873 --> 00:01:07,277 ♪ Money, money ♪ 27 00:01:07,344 --> 00:01:09,014 - ♪ Dolla, dolla ♪ - ♪ Ching, ching ♪ 28 00:01:09,081 --> 00:01:10,226 ♪ Bling, bling, cut the chatter ♪ 29 00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:11,553 ♪ You ain't talking money ♪ 30 00:01:11,620 --> 00:01:13,289 ♪ Then your talking don't matter ♪ 31 00:01:13,356 --> 00:01:15,761 ♪ Ching, ching, bling, bling, pattin' pockets ♪ 32 00:01:15,828 --> 00:01:18,499 ♪ You make the dolla dolla, can't a damn soul stop it ♪ 33 00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:20,103 - ♪ Shock it ♪ - ♪ Here comes ♪ 34 00:01:20,170 --> 00:01:21,606 ♪ The new kid on the block ♪ 35 00:01:21,673 --> 00:01:24,111 ♪ Hold all your bets here's where. ♪ 36 00:01:24,178 --> 00:01:25,548 GRAMPA: Hmm. 37 00:01:25,614 --> 00:01:26,382 Hmm. 38 00:01:26,449 --> 00:01:28,721 Now, this is what I call cribbage. 39 00:01:28,787 --> 00:01:30,156 Abe wins again! 40 00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:31,560 (sighs) 41 00:01:31,626 --> 00:01:33,731 Another great day in the books. 42 00:01:33,797 --> 00:01:36,570 Now to cap it all off with a medicated foot bath 43 00:01:36,636 --> 00:01:40,043 and a nice, deep‐ear Q‐tipping. 44 00:01:40,110 --> 00:01:41,580 (snoring) 45 00:01:44,017 --> 00:01:45,253 (phone rings) 46 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,825 (exclaiming) 47 00:01:49,194 --> 00:01:50,530 Hello? 48 00:01:50,598 --> 00:01:52,869 BOY: Grandfather! You've got to help me! 49 00:01:52,935 --> 00:01:55,173 What? Is that you, Bart? 50 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,678 That's right. It's me, Bart. 51 00:01:57,745 --> 00:01:59,849 I'm so scared. I'm in jail! 52 00:01:59,916 --> 00:02:02,354 - Jail? - Please don't - tell my dad or mom. 53 00:02:02,420 --> 00:02:04,959 They'll be so mad. The policeman needs to talk to you. 54 00:02:05,026 --> 00:02:07,364 MAN: Sir, your grandson is in big trouble. 55 00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:10,036 No, not Bart. My little angel. 56 00:02:10,103 --> 00:02:13,209 Well, he was arrested for vandalism and shoplifting, sir. 57 00:02:13,276 --> 00:02:15,748 Yeah, that sounds like Bart, that little devil. 58 00:02:15,815 --> 00:02:18,119 If you don't send his bail money in the next 90 minutes, 59 00:02:18,186 --> 00:02:19,546 he's going straight to the downtown 60 00:02:19,589 --> 00:02:21,158 juvenile detention center. 61 00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:23,697 BOY: Grandfather! Help me! Please! 62 00:02:23,764 --> 00:02:24,833 Don't worry, Bart. 63 00:02:24,899 --> 00:02:27,070 Just tell me what you need and I'll do it. 64 00:02:27,137 --> 00:02:29,474 Your Grampa loves you. 65 00:02:31,746 --> 00:02:34,151 I need to wire some money to an overseas account 66 00:02:34,218 --> 00:02:37,123 to bail my grandson out of an unnamed jail. 67 00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:38,827 Fill out this form. 68 00:02:38,894 --> 00:02:41,566 I didn't know my little Emma was in Colombia, 69 00:02:41,633 --> 00:02:44,739 let alone working as a drug mule. 70 00:02:44,806 --> 00:02:47,143 I'm just thankful the Russian secret police 71 00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:49,849 will accept the title to my Lexus. 72 00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:54,692 MAN: Mr. Simpson, we've confirmed receipt. 73 00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:56,696 Your grandson will be released... 74 00:02:56,763 --> 00:02:58,199 Oh, thank God. 75 00:02:58,266 --> 00:02:59,702 ...once you pay his processing fees, 76 00:02:59,769 --> 00:03:02,440 holding cell costs and handcuff tax. 77 00:03:02,507 --> 00:03:05,146 It's on its way, plus a little extra 78 00:03:05,213 --> 00:03:07,919 for you being so helpful. 79 00:03:07,985 --> 00:03:10,423 Did he reach out to his father? His mother? 80 00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:12,227 His dead grandmother? 81 00:03:12,294 --> 00:03:14,031 No. He came to me. 82 00:03:14,097 --> 00:03:16,603 Because Bart knew that he could count on his Grampa 83 00:03:16,670 --> 00:03:19,541 to get him out of any kind of jam. 84 00:03:20,577 --> 00:03:22,147 Mm. 85 00:03:22,213 --> 00:03:25,053 Oh, thank goodness you're out! 86 00:03:27,658 --> 00:03:29,762 Okay, okay, enough with the smooches. 87 00:03:29,829 --> 00:03:32,334 I don't care what you've done. All that matters 88 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,073 is that no grandson of mine's gonna go to jail. 89 00:03:35,139 --> 00:03:37,745 Jail? Are you off your meds 90 00:03:37,812 --> 00:03:38,880 or on new meds? 91 00:03:38,947 --> 00:03:40,985 Bart, don't you remember? 92 00:03:41,051 --> 00:03:44,091 I just wired all that money to pay your bail. 93 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:46,997 Whoa, Grampa, I think you were... 94 00:03:47,063 --> 00:03:48,199 scammed. 95 00:03:48,265 --> 00:03:50,971 Me, scammed? (laughs) 96 00:03:51,038 --> 00:03:52,240 That's impossible. 97 00:03:52,307 --> 00:03:54,979 No one hornswoggles Abraham J... 98 00:03:55,046 --> 00:03:56,382 S‐I‐M‐P‐S‐O‐N. 99 00:03:56,448 --> 00:04:00,223 Social Security number: 327‐00‐3658. 100 00:04:00,289 --> 00:04:02,160 First pet's name: Homer. 101 00:04:02,227 --> 00:04:03,496 (gasps) 102 00:04:03,563 --> 00:04:06,101 I've been hornswoggled. 103 00:04:06,903 --> 00:04:10,009 ANNOUNCER: You're watching the Punt Zone channel. 104 00:04:10,076 --> 00:04:11,613 It's nothing but punts. 105 00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:13,683 Never miss another exciting fair catch 106 00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:17,223 or thrilling second of hang time. 107 00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:19,394 It's fourth and long, here's the snap. 108 00:04:19,461 --> 00:04:22,434 It's a fake punt! Cut away! Cut away! 109 00:04:23,369 --> 00:04:25,741 Guys, something happened to Grampa. 110 00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:27,912 I got bamboozled out of my money 111 00:04:27,978 --> 00:04:30,416 by a flimflam artist. 112 00:04:30,483 --> 00:04:32,988 It's not his fault. Some scammer 113 00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,491 convinced him I was in jail. 114 00:04:34,559 --> 00:04:36,729 I'm so sorry, Grampa. 115 00:04:36,796 --> 00:04:40,203 Um, uh, let me go microwave your slippers. 116 00:04:40,269 --> 00:04:42,675 I don't deserve warm toes. 117 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:46,549 I'm nothing but a feeble, useless, old idjit. 118 00:04:46,616 --> 00:04:49,789 No. You were just trying to be a good grandparent. 119 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:52,661 And one bad apple took advantage of you. 120 00:04:52,728 --> 00:04:54,966 You got nothing to feel bad about. (laughs) 121 00:04:55,032 --> 00:04:59,374 Bart in jail? I would have fallen for that, too. 122 00:04:59,441 --> 00:05:00,653 I mean, how much money could they have taken 123 00:05:00,677 --> 00:05:02,514 from a retired, old meatball man‐‐ 124 00:05:02,581 --> 00:05:05,621 50 bucks plus a pocketful of hard candies? 125 00:05:05,687 --> 00:05:08,560 Here you go, Dad. I'll cover it. What's the damage? 126 00:05:08,627 --> 00:05:11,365 Ten thousand dollars! 127 00:05:11,431 --> 00:05:12,635 (all gasp) 128 00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:14,672 Where the hell did you get that kind of money, 129 00:05:14,739 --> 00:05:16,943 you broken‐down old meatball man? 130 00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:19,514 It's 20 years of my cribbage winnings, 131 00:05:19,582 --> 00:05:21,886 saved up in a cigar box. 132 00:05:21,953 --> 00:05:25,994 I was gonna leave it to you, and now it's all gone. 133 00:05:26,061 --> 00:05:27,061 (gasps) 134 00:05:28,032 --> 00:05:30,604 No. No. 135 00:05:30,671 --> 00:05:31,973 No! 136 00:05:33,442 --> 00:05:36,014 I had an inheritance and you gave it away? 137 00:05:36,081 --> 00:05:38,452 I'm so mad I could kill you, 138 00:05:38,519 --> 00:05:40,356 but now I'd get nothing. 139 00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,595 I hope you live forever! 140 00:05:48,607 --> 00:05:50,409 Now to read Abraham J. Simpson's 141 00:05:50,476 --> 00:05:52,715 final will and testament. 142 00:05:52,781 --> 00:05:54,619 To my surviving Homers, 143 00:05:54,685 --> 00:05:56,823 I leave you $10,000 144 00:05:56,889 --> 00:05:59,527 - that I never told you about... - (giggles) 145 00:05:59,595 --> 00:06:01,265 - Oh! - Huh? - Yeah? 146 00:06:01,331 --> 00:06:03,603 ...but then I lost it all to a scam. 147 00:06:03,670 --> 00:06:05,273 So, because I'm a moron, 148 00:06:05,339 --> 00:06:07,143 I leave you nothing. 149 00:06:07,210 --> 00:06:09,180 ALL: D'oh! 150 00:06:09,247 --> 00:06:10,751 Ten thousand dollars! 151 00:06:10,817 --> 00:06:13,022 (exhales) That dream again? 152 00:06:13,088 --> 00:06:15,694 The money's gone, gone. 153 00:06:15,761 --> 00:06:19,134 But how can you miss money you never knew you had? 154 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,873 That's the worst part: to find out got money, 155 00:06:21,939 --> 00:06:24,311 but you lost money, so you have it, 156 00:06:24,377 --> 00:06:25,580 but you don't have it. 157 00:06:25,647 --> 00:06:27,918 Oh, it's giving me whipcash. 158 00:06:27,985 --> 00:06:30,256 (whimpers, grunts) 159 00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:34,364 Just think of all the ways my life could have been better 160 00:06:34,431 --> 00:06:36,903 with that ten grand. 161 00:06:44,317 --> 00:06:45,921 (moans): Oh. 162 00:06:48,092 --> 00:06:51,331 So, uh, we're asking each family to chip in $50 163 00:06:51,398 --> 00:06:53,670 for a new fundraising thermometer. 164 00:06:53,737 --> 00:06:57,009 Oh, yeah, 50 bucks‐‐ I would totally donate that 165 00:06:57,076 --> 00:06:58,245 if my father hadn't 166 00:06:58,312 --> 00:07:01,385 given away $10,000! 167 00:07:01,451 --> 00:07:04,023 Um, it's just a suggested amount. 168 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:07,731 Sure, ten grand might not sound like much to you teachers, 169 00:07:07,798 --> 00:07:10,403 but I choose inheriting $10,000 170 00:07:10,469 --> 00:07:13,409 over earning a million. 171 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,112 And all of you would do the same! 172 00:07:15,179 --> 00:07:16,916 Homer, not here. 173 00:07:16,983 --> 00:07:19,387 Because generational wealth is the purest, 174 00:07:19,454 --> 00:07:21,525 most sacred kind of money there is. 175 00:07:21,592 --> 00:07:24,497 But my father fell for some super‐obvious scam 176 00:07:24,565 --> 00:07:26,736 because his brain is made of 177 00:07:26,803 --> 00:07:29,274 powdered mashed potatoes. 178 00:07:29,340 --> 00:07:33,215 So, no, I will not be donating. 179 00:07:34,350 --> 00:07:35,654 (huffs) 180 00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:38,827 - Oh... - Marge, if I may, I‐I dealt with a similar situation 181 00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:40,664 with my mother. She got a phone call 182 00:07:40,730 --> 00:07:42,868 claiming punk rockers were threatening to cut my hair 183 00:07:42,935 --> 00:07:45,674 into a Mohawk, which is a distinctive hairstyle... 184 00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:46,909 I know what it is. 185 00:07:46,976 --> 00:07:49,047 This place got us through it. 186 00:07:49,113 --> 00:07:50,717 Hmm. 187 00:07:50,784 --> 00:07:52,821 This could be just what we need. 188 00:07:52,888 --> 00:07:54,859 Oh, uh, sorry, that's not for you to keep. 189 00:07:54,925 --> 00:07:57,296 I don't get many business cards. 190 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:02,206 Group therapy? In my day, we dealt with horrible shame 191 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:05,145 by getting blind drunk, stumbling into a hobo camp 192 00:08:05,212 --> 00:08:06,682 and fighting their king. 193 00:08:06,749 --> 00:08:09,120 Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. 194 00:08:09,187 --> 00:08:10,590 Just give it a try, Abe. 195 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,630 It'll help to know that you're not alone. 196 00:08:14,865 --> 00:08:16,802 (chuckles) Nice, Marge. 197 00:08:16,869 --> 00:08:19,274 Making Dad sit through a pathetic sob‐fest 198 00:08:19,340 --> 00:08:22,681 with his fellow losers is the perfect punishment. 199 00:08:22,748 --> 00:08:25,085 There's a group for you, too. 200 00:08:26,521 --> 00:08:30,396 I... (grunts) wish I never voted to build this community center. 201 00:08:30,462 --> 00:08:31,699 (Marge grunts) 202 00:08:31,766 --> 00:08:34,370 (sighs) I should have known mortgage lenders 203 00:08:34,437 --> 00:08:36,441 don't take Applebee's gift cards. 204 00:08:36,508 --> 00:08:38,880 He said if I didn't wire the money to the power company, 205 00:08:38,947 --> 00:08:41,251 they'd shut off my electricity. 206 00:08:41,318 --> 00:08:43,590 I am the power company. 207 00:08:43,656 --> 00:08:44,825 Catfished. Ooh! 208 00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,796 Now it seems so obvious 209 00:08:46,862 --> 00:08:49,768 that I would never meet the real Melissa Joan Hart 210 00:08:49,835 --> 00:08:52,006 in a online billiards forum. 211 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:54,812 These criminals target the good in all of us, 212 00:08:54,878 --> 00:08:57,283 so the first step is to take a deep breath 213 00:08:57,350 --> 00:08:59,520 and forgive ourselves. 214 00:08:59,588 --> 00:09:03,028 (all inhale, exhale) 215 00:09:03,095 --> 00:09:06,936 My mother paid hackers to return her stolen computer photos. 216 00:09:07,003 --> 00:09:09,374 (groans) They weren't gone. They were backed up 217 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:12,213 to the cloud, Dropbox, Time Machine‐‐ 218 00:09:12,279 --> 00:09:14,183 things of that nature. 219 00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:17,456 Now, these are the things you should never say to a victim. 220 00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:19,595 "I would never have fallen for that," 221 00:09:19,662 --> 00:09:22,233 "Everyone knows about that scam," 222 00:09:22,299 --> 00:09:24,470 and "What were you thinking?" 223 00:09:24,537 --> 00:09:26,508 I would have never fallen for that! 224 00:09:26,575 --> 00:09:28,445 Everyone knows about that scam! 225 00:09:28,512 --> 00:09:30,482 What were you thinking?! 226 00:09:30,550 --> 00:09:31,919 No, it wasn't my fault. 227 00:09:31,986 --> 00:09:34,692 This group taught me not to feel shame. 228 00:09:34,758 --> 00:09:37,831 I'm on a path of healing and self‐empowerment. 229 00:09:37,898 --> 00:09:39,668 You better not be. 230 00:09:39,735 --> 00:09:42,941 Now, what do we say to shamers like him? 231 00:09:43,008 --> 00:09:45,245 ALL: Shaming is blaming. 232 00:09:45,312 --> 00:09:48,118 Yes, 100% agree! 233 00:09:50,255 --> 00:09:51,892 (grunts) 234 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:54,230 How could you treat Grampa like that? 235 00:09:54,297 --> 00:09:56,669 You think you're so smart. Do you really think 236 00:09:56,736 --> 00:09:59,307 the same thing wouldn't have happened to you? 237 00:09:59,373 --> 00:10:00,710 Me? Impossible. 238 00:10:00,777 --> 00:10:02,748 I'm too savvy. 239 00:10:02,814 --> 00:10:05,553 This savvy! See? 240 00:10:05,620 --> 00:10:08,593 Dad, anyone can get scammed. Even me. 241 00:10:08,659 --> 00:10:10,864 I paid the bullies for wedgie insurance. 242 00:10:10,930 --> 00:10:12,834 But the minute I got a wedgie, bam! 243 00:10:12,901 --> 00:10:15,439 I got hit with a deductible‐‐ another wedgie! 244 00:10:15,506 --> 00:10:17,009 And my rates went up. 245 00:10:17,076 --> 00:10:20,149 That's why I never get any insurance. 246 00:10:20,215 --> 00:10:21,886 I got an email saying I qualified 247 00:10:21,952 --> 00:10:23,890 for the Saxophone Junior Olympics, 248 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,829 but when I clicked the link, they hacked my phone 249 00:10:26,896 --> 00:10:30,536 and stole my Audible listener credits. 250 00:10:30,603 --> 00:10:31,739 (laughs) 251 00:10:31,806 --> 00:10:34,711 You clicked the link? (laughing) 252 00:10:34,778 --> 00:10:38,553 That's so... Who clicks the link? 253 00:10:38,619 --> 00:10:40,489 Even children are being scammed? 254 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:43,328 Well, maybe there's a few more bad apples than I thought. 255 00:10:43,395 --> 00:10:47,938 But I still have to believe the barrel is mostly good. 256 00:10:48,004 --> 00:10:50,442 Oh, Marge, how I envy your sweet innocence. 257 00:10:50,509 --> 00:10:54,718 The world is a blender full of sharks set on extra teeth. 258 00:10:54,785 --> 00:10:57,423 So you got to be like me‐‐ always on guard 259 00:10:57,489 --> 00:11:00,830 - so you're never a sucker. - (doorbell rings) 260 00:11:00,897 --> 00:11:03,034 Delivery for Homer Simpson. 261 00:11:03,101 --> 00:11:04,771 Why'd you buy all these knives? 262 00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:07,644 They're not knives. They're the future of cutlery. 263 00:11:07,711 --> 00:11:09,380 Put 'em in the garage with the others. 264 00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:10,447 Others? 265 00:11:11,819 --> 00:11:13,756 - (gasps) - Cutlife is a famous 266 00:11:13,823 --> 00:11:16,094 multi‐level marketing company. 267 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,400 Dad, you fell for a pyramid scheme. 268 00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:21,605 Scheme? No way. 269 00:11:21,672 --> 00:11:23,208 They didn't even want to let me join. 270 00:11:23,275 --> 00:11:26,214 But, luckily, at the last minute, a space opened up. 271 00:11:26,281 --> 00:11:28,418 How many knives have you even sold? 272 00:11:28,485 --> 00:11:30,924 (laughs) I don't sell them. 273 00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:32,627 I engage opportunity handlers 274 00:11:32,694 --> 00:11:34,798 to distributize them for me, 275 00:11:34,865 --> 00:11:36,969 the expandibution manager. 276 00:11:37,036 --> 00:11:39,340 It's all part of Charles E. Cutlife's 277 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:42,112 three‐dimensional triangle system. 278 00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:43,983 - Look! - BART: Why can't Dad 279 00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:45,954 ever get arrested in a suit? 280 00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:47,590 Face it, genius: 281 00:11:47,657 --> 00:11:51,030 you got scammed. 282 00:11:51,097 --> 00:11:54,170 (sobs) She's right. Everyone's right. 283 00:11:54,236 --> 00:11:57,142 Don't look at my gullible face! (sobs) 284 00:11:57,944 --> 00:12:00,883 And so I consign to the flames 285 00:12:00,950 --> 00:12:03,455 a monument to my own stupidity. 286 00:12:03,521 --> 00:12:04,523 - No! - (grunts) 287 00:12:07,029 --> 00:12:10,435 Now, isn't there someone you need to apologize to? 288 00:12:10,502 --> 00:12:11,872 Maybe your father? 289 00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:13,174 Yeah, you're right. 290 00:12:13,241 --> 00:12:16,314 I said such horrible things to him. 291 00:12:16,381 --> 00:12:17,584 (gasps) 292 00:12:18,819 --> 00:12:20,623 All that time I was yelling at you, 293 00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:22,627 it turns out I'm a sucker, too. 294 00:12:22,694 --> 00:12:24,096 Will you forgive me, Dad? 295 00:12:24,163 --> 00:12:26,100 Of course, son. Hopefully, we've all 296 00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:28,873 come out of this a little more savvy. 297 00:12:28,939 --> 00:12:30,710 (phone rings) 298 00:12:30,777 --> 00:12:33,381 Hello? Yes, this is a grandparent 299 00:12:33,448 --> 00:12:36,989 of a boy or girl. Sure, put him or her on the phone. 300 00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:39,527 No! Lisa's in jail! 301 00:12:39,594 --> 00:12:42,232 Grampa, they're trying to trick you again. 302 00:12:42,299 --> 00:12:44,170 (gasps) It's the same swindler. 303 00:12:44,236 --> 00:12:46,507 He must think I'm greedy for more. 304 00:12:46,575 --> 00:12:48,244 (gasps) I got an idea. 305 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,486 Grampa, you got to keep talking so that guy stays on the phone. 306 00:12:52,554 --> 00:12:53,856 Keep talking? 307 00:12:53,923 --> 00:12:55,626 I've been preparing for this moment 308 00:12:55,693 --> 00:12:57,229 my entire life. 309 00:12:57,296 --> 00:12:58,999 MAN: Sir, look, if you don't 310 00:12:59,066 --> 00:13:00,837 put up that bail money, your granddaughter 311 00:13:00,903 --> 00:13:02,907 will be spending the night in the cooler. 312 00:13:02,974 --> 00:13:05,479 - (crack) - In my day, we didn't have fancy coolers, 313 00:13:05,546 --> 00:13:08,786 so everyone took turns blowing on the meat to keep it fresh, 314 00:13:08,853 --> 00:13:12,025 unless you hired a Dutch family to blow on your food for you. 315 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:15,332 Breezies is what you'd call 'em. 316 00:13:16,668 --> 00:13:18,906 (snoring) 317 00:13:20,475 --> 00:13:22,045 (high‐pitched gibberish plays, stops) 318 00:13:22,112 --> 00:13:23,649 MAN: Sir, if you could just 319 00:13:23,716 --> 00:13:25,686 give us your bank information... 320 00:13:25,753 --> 00:13:28,324 GRAMPA: It was quite the scandal when a breezy 321 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:31,297 married a smusher‐‐ those were the fellas you hired 322 00:13:31,364 --> 00:13:33,936 to flatten your sandwiches by sitting on 'em‐‐ 323 00:13:34,003 --> 00:13:37,042 and the whole town came out to throw tar... 324 00:13:37,109 --> 00:13:39,915 Wow, that's some quality prattle. 325 00:13:39,981 --> 00:13:41,852 Okay, I've run all three hours of the call 326 00:13:41,919 --> 00:13:43,822 through open‐source audio software, 327 00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,492 and the unique pattern of church bells 328 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,634 and roller‐coaster screams pins the location to... 329 00:13:50,603 --> 00:13:54,243 ...ladies and gentlemen, the address of the scammer. 330 00:13:55,011 --> 00:13:57,115 Whoa, we could get the money back. 331 00:13:57,182 --> 00:13:59,086 It's not about the money. 332 00:13:59,153 --> 00:14:01,792 I want to show that bad guy the face of the old man 333 00:14:01,858 --> 00:14:04,998 whose love and decency he exploited. 334 00:14:05,065 --> 00:14:07,570 Oh, honey, you have a beautiful heart. 335 00:14:07,637 --> 00:14:08,939 But make no mistake‐‐ 336 00:14:09,006 --> 00:14:11,678 it is about the money! 337 00:14:23,468 --> 00:14:25,272 ♪ ♪ 338 00:14:30,650 --> 00:14:32,854 Kids, today you're gonna learn an important lesson: 339 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,660 sometimes the sheep get back their wool. 340 00:14:35,726 --> 00:14:38,431 (scoffs) No, they don't. They just grow more wool. 341 00:14:38,498 --> 00:14:40,870 What are you, a shepherd? Come on, Dad. 342 00:14:40,936 --> 00:14:43,007 Let's go get my eventual money back. 343 00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:46,180 How are we gonna get past the guard? 344 00:14:46,247 --> 00:14:48,184 Aw, don't worry about that. 345 00:14:48,251 --> 00:14:51,290 My friends can get us in. 346 00:14:53,294 --> 00:14:55,633 That's the surgical precision you only get 347 00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:57,837 from the finest Idaho steel. 348 00:14:57,904 --> 00:15:00,810 Amazing. I'll take the full set. 349 00:15:00,876 --> 00:15:02,680 Oh, you're not buying the knives. 350 00:15:02,747 --> 00:15:04,116 I could sell them? 351 00:15:04,183 --> 00:15:07,456 No, you can sell other people on selling them. 352 00:15:07,522 --> 00:15:11,197 These knives sell selling themselves themselves. 353 00:15:11,263 --> 00:15:13,802 This is the opportunity of a lifetime! 354 00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:17,610 I'm gonna go tell my pregnant wife about my new career. 355 00:15:18,712 --> 00:15:21,183 Okay, Grampa, we're gonna find that bad guy 356 00:15:21,250 --> 00:15:23,655 and get you some justice. 357 00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:26,862 (low overlapping chatter) 358 00:15:26,928 --> 00:15:28,632 Uh, which one's the scammer? 359 00:15:28,699 --> 00:15:30,569 They're all the scammer. 360 00:15:30,636 --> 00:15:32,907 The IRS tax police are on their way to your home, 361 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:35,946 but we'll accept immediate payment in Fortnite V‐bucks. 362 00:15:36,013 --> 00:15:38,418 Oh, your Airbnb is all ready to go, there. 363 00:15:38,484 --> 00:15:40,623 I'm fluffing the towels right now. 364 00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,159 Fluff, fluff. 365 00:15:42,225 --> 00:15:44,096 There's so many of them. 366 00:15:44,163 --> 00:15:44,931 (clears throat) 367 00:15:44,998 --> 00:15:47,970 You are all in an unethical industry 368 00:15:48,037 --> 00:15:50,408 and we have called the authorities. 369 00:15:51,210 --> 00:15:53,448 (panting) Oh, man. 370 00:15:53,514 --> 00:15:56,387 Another boiler room of phone hucksters. 371 00:15:56,454 --> 00:15:58,592 All right, scambags, you know the drill: 372 00:15:58,659 --> 00:16:02,633 you don't got to go home, but you can't grift here. 373 00:16:05,071 --> 00:16:07,710 - Come on. - What? - Really? 374 00:16:09,279 --> 00:16:11,350 Aren't you going to arrest them? 375 00:16:11,417 --> 00:16:13,387 Marge, you shut down one of these, 376 00:16:13,454 --> 00:16:15,458 five more pop up in its place. 377 00:16:15,525 --> 00:16:18,097 Phone fraud and Halloween costumes for pets 378 00:16:18,164 --> 00:16:20,769 are America's only growth industries. 379 00:16:20,836 --> 00:16:24,009 So they're just employees doing this for a paycheck? 380 00:16:24,076 --> 00:16:26,080 I wish we got paid in money. 381 00:16:26,146 --> 00:16:28,852 All we get is minimum wage and gift cards. 382 00:16:28,919 --> 00:16:30,990 - Do you have my dad's money? - No. 383 00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:32,894 - Do you have my money? - Nope. 384 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,530 Can I have $10,000? 385 00:16:34,597 --> 00:16:36,233 BART'S VOICE: Not gonna happen, dude. 386 00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:38,237 Hey, you sound familiar. 387 00:16:38,304 --> 00:16:40,141 Don't have a cow, man. 388 00:16:41,076 --> 00:16:43,682 Is this what we wanted to happen? 389 00:16:43,749 --> 00:16:47,757 Okay, I know this seems bad, but... but, uh... 390 00:16:47,823 --> 00:16:51,430 Oh, come on, Mom, you always see the good in everything. 391 00:16:51,497 --> 00:16:54,236 Well, on the bright side, 392 00:16:54,303 --> 00:16:57,042 if you look at it a certain way... 393 00:16:57,108 --> 00:16:58,579 there is no bright side! 394 00:16:58,645 --> 00:17:01,417 The whole world is one big criminal organization! 395 00:17:01,483 --> 00:17:05,058 From hedge funds to payday loans to the NCAA, 396 00:17:05,124 --> 00:17:06,928 it's not just a few bad apples‐‐ 397 00:17:06,995 --> 00:17:09,567 it's the whole orchard that's rotten! 398 00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:11,003 (grunts) 399 00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:12,673 Whoa, gift cards! 400 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,109 Justice wasn't served, 401 00:17:14,176 --> 00:17:16,715 but dinner is. 402 00:17:18,084 --> 00:17:20,321 (groans) I can't believe we ate 403 00:17:20,388 --> 00:17:22,994 $500 worth of appetizers. 404 00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:26,601 Revenge sliders dipped in payback sauce. 405 00:17:26,668 --> 00:17:27,703 Mmm. 406 00:17:27,770 --> 00:17:29,907 Honey, you're not sweating from overeating. 407 00:17:29,974 --> 00:17:31,678 What's wrong? 408 00:17:31,745 --> 00:17:35,552 These gift cards were obtained by scamming innocent people. 409 00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,322 So no, thank you. 410 00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:38,692 You said it yourself‐‐ 411 00:17:38,759 --> 00:17:41,430 everyone in the world is ripping off everyone else. 412 00:17:41,497 --> 00:17:44,102 Why shouldn't we wet our beaks? 413 00:17:44,169 --> 00:17:47,075 Oh, you got to try these fried beaks. 414 00:17:47,142 --> 00:17:49,479 Dip the beak! Dip the beak! 415 00:17:49,547 --> 00:17:52,052 Well, it seems like no one else has a problem 416 00:17:52,118 --> 00:17:54,891 gorging on ill‐gotten appetizers. 417 00:17:56,126 --> 00:17:58,197 Beak me. 418 00:18:03,909 --> 00:18:06,180 (munching) 419 00:18:06,981 --> 00:18:09,219 With that deep‐fried morsel, 420 00:18:09,286 --> 00:18:12,325 my victory is complete. 421 00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:14,129 Uh, we're all seeing 422 00:18:14,196 --> 00:18:17,135 the freak in the sandals, right? (burps) 423 00:18:17,202 --> 00:18:19,907 Yes, but this can't be real. 424 00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:23,949 We probably just ate too many wasabi mac and cheese balls. 425 00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,853 Silence, you mewling wretches, 426 00:18:25,919 --> 00:18:29,326 for I am Loki, god of mischief. 427 00:18:29,392 --> 00:18:31,831 But I am known by many names 428 00:18:31,898 --> 00:18:33,902 and take many forms. 429 00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:38,410 Buy crypto, suckers! 430 00:18:38,477 --> 00:18:40,616 And my handiwork of deception 431 00:18:40,682 --> 00:18:43,755 is woven into the fabric of the universe. 432 00:18:43,822 --> 00:18:46,059 From the Ticketmaster convenience fee 433 00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,565 to the NCAA. 434 00:18:48,632 --> 00:18:51,871 Oh, lord of appetizers, I kneel before you. 435 00:18:51,938 --> 00:18:55,411 Who shall I smother with ranch in your name? 436 00:18:55,478 --> 00:18:59,286 Well, Loki, you've already taken an old man's life savings. 437 00:18:59,352 --> 00:19:01,056 What more do you want? 438 00:19:01,123 --> 00:19:03,427 I have come here to... 439 00:19:03,494 --> 00:19:04,664 'Zerz... 440 00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:06,333 to take my prize: 441 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,506 an honest woman's belief in the good of mankind. 442 00:19:09,574 --> 00:19:12,646 And now, as the old laws demand, 443 00:19:12,713 --> 00:19:16,019 I must bestow upon the vanquished a kiss. 444 00:19:16,086 --> 00:19:17,455 Mwah. 445 00:19:17,522 --> 00:19:19,861 Ha‐ha! There are no old laws. 446 00:19:19,927 --> 00:19:22,165 God of mischief does it again! 447 00:19:22,232 --> 00:19:24,402 Now, off to add more blackout dates 448 00:19:24,469 --> 00:19:27,108 to Disneyland annual passes. 449 00:19:27,175 --> 00:19:30,716 (giggles) 450 00:19:30,782 --> 00:19:32,553 Suckers. 451 00:19:33,354 --> 00:19:35,157 Whoa, that was weird. 452 00:19:35,224 --> 00:19:37,262 Should we get the rest to go? 453 00:19:38,565 --> 00:19:41,069 Excuse me, I'm out of gas 454 00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:42,740 and left my wallet at home. 455 00:19:42,806 --> 00:19:44,175 Would you lend me $20? 456 00:19:44,242 --> 00:19:46,280 I'll mail it back to you, I promise. 457 00:19:46,346 --> 00:19:49,152 Uh, I'm sorry, but that is an obvious scam. 458 00:19:49,219 --> 00:19:50,822 Uh, go find another sucker. 459 00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:53,327 Is this it‐‐ from now on, I live in a world 460 00:19:53,394 --> 00:19:56,300 where nobody trusts anybody? 461 00:19:56,366 --> 00:19:58,170 No, not me. 462 00:19:58,237 --> 00:20:00,742 Here's $20 and my address. 463 00:20:00,809 --> 00:20:03,882 I trust that you'll mail me the money. 464 00:20:11,764 --> 00:20:13,367 (sighs) 465 00:20:16,073 --> 00:20:18,377 (gasps) I knew it! 466 00:20:18,444 --> 00:20:19,647 Maybe you're right, baby. 467 00:20:19,714 --> 00:20:22,418 There still are some good people out there. 468 00:20:22,485 --> 00:20:25,726 In your face, god of scams! 469 00:20:29,199 --> 00:20:30,635 (whistles tune) 470 00:20:30,702 --> 00:20:33,407 Well, I'm out another 20 bucks, 471 00:20:33,474 --> 00:20:36,380 but I gave them something to believe in. 472 00:20:36,446 --> 00:20:39,185 (laughs) Suckers. 473 00:20:52,011 --> 00:20:54,315 Your Social Security number has been compromised. 474 00:20:54,382 --> 00:20:55,427 Please give us your Social Security number 475 00:20:55,451 --> 00:20:57,488 so we can keep it safe. 476 00:20:58,290 --> 00:21:01,396 I met my billionaire boyfriend on Billionaire Match. 477 00:21:01,463 --> 00:21:02,900 Match with billions of billionaires 478 00:21:02,966 --> 00:21:05,438 for only $4.95 a month. 479 00:21:06,707 --> 00:21:09,880 If you or your family have used toilet paper in the last year, 480 00:21:09,947 --> 00:21:13,420 you can join us in a class action lawsuit. 481 00:21:14,489 --> 00:21:16,961 We have found nude photos of you. 482 00:21:17,028 --> 00:21:19,165 If you want these removed and/or touched up, 483 00:21:19,232 --> 00:21:21,470 please press 1 now. 484 00:21:22,405 --> 00:21:25,277 This is Jerry down at whatever bank you use. 485 00:21:25,344 --> 00:21:27,081 We lost your PIN number. 486 00:21:27,148 --> 00:21:29,185 Can you send it to us? 487 00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:32,458 Shh!