1
00:00:02,782 --> 00:00:04,553
♪ ♪
2
00:00:07,491 --> 00:00:10,096
We sure lucked out
with this new gig.
3
00:00:10,163 --> 00:00:12,401
Half day on Christmas,
unpaid polio leave,
4
00:00:12,467 --> 00:00:14,639
and all the bread crumbs
you can sweep.
5
00:00:18,012 --> 00:00:20,150
Mac, we just
got our first paychecks.
6
00:00:20,216 --> 00:00:22,722
Take this money
and turn it into giggle water.
7
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,728
(stammers) FICA?!
8
00:00:25,795 --> 00:00:26,697
What the hell is that?
9
00:00:26,763 --> 00:00:28,901
Eh, that's your
Social Security tax.
10
00:00:28,968 --> 00:00:30,705
Government takes our money,
11
00:00:30,771 --> 00:00:33,911
then gives it back
when you retire in 50 years.
12
00:00:33,978 --> 00:00:36,783
What? Stupid government
thinks it's smarter than me.
13
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I can handle my money.
14
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Put five bucks
on any two animals fighting.
15
00:00:42,027 --> 00:00:43,296
And I'll eat the loser.
16
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We're not gonna
need Social Security.
17
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We're gonna be rich.
18
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Yeah, we'll never
need government help.
19
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Help me, government!
20
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We need our
Social Security checks.
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Make rain a modest,
fixed amount.
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00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:59,161
♪ Here comes the money ♪
23
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- ♪ Here we go ♪
- ♪ Money talks ♪
24
00:01:01,132 --> 00:01:02,568
♪ Here comes the money ♪
25
00:01:02,635 --> 00:01:04,806
♪ Money, money, money,
money, money, money, money ♪
26
00:01:04,873 --> 00:01:07,277
♪ Money, money ♪
27
00:01:07,344 --> 00:01:09,014
- ♪ Dolla, dolla ♪
- ♪ Ching, ching ♪
28
00:01:09,081 --> 00:01:10,226
♪ Bling, bling,
cut the chatter ♪
29
00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:11,553
♪ You ain't talking money ♪
30
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♪ Then your talking
don't matter ♪
31
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♪ Ching, ching, bling, bling,
pattin' pockets ♪
32
00:01:15,828 --> 00:01:18,499
♪ You make the dolla dolla,
can't a damn soul stop it ♪
33
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- ♪ Shock it ♪
- ♪ Here comes ♪
34
00:01:20,170 --> 00:01:21,606
♪ The new kid on the block ♪
35
00:01:21,673 --> 00:01:24,111
♪ Hold all your bets
here's where. ♪
36
00:01:24,178 --> 00:01:25,548
GRAMPA: Hmm.
37
00:01:25,614 --> 00:01:26,382
Hmm.
38
00:01:26,449 --> 00:01:28,721
Now, this is what
I call cribbage.
39
00:01:28,787 --> 00:01:30,156
Abe wins again!
40
00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:31,560
(sighs)
41
00:01:31,626 --> 00:01:33,731
Another great day in the books.
42
00:01:33,797 --> 00:01:36,570
Now to cap it all off
with a medicated foot bath
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00:01:36,636 --> 00:01:40,043
and a nice, deep‐ear Q‐tipping.
44
00:01:40,110 --> 00:01:41,580
(snoring)
45
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(phone rings)
46
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,825
(exclaiming)
47
00:01:49,194 --> 00:01:50,530
Hello?
48
00:01:50,598 --> 00:01:52,869
BOY:
Grandfather!
You've got to help me!
49
00:01:52,935 --> 00:01:55,173
What?
Is that you, Bart?
50
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,678
That's right.
It's me, Bart.
51
00:01:57,745 --> 00:01:59,849
I'm so scared.
I'm in jail!
52
00:01:59,916 --> 00:02:02,354
- Jail?
- Please don't
- tell my dad or mom.
53
00:02:02,420 --> 00:02:04,959
They'll be so mad. The policeman
needs to talk to you.
54
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MAN:
Sir, your grandson
is in big trouble.
55
00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:10,036
No, not Bart.
My little angel.
56
00:02:10,103 --> 00:02:13,209
Well, he was arrested for
vandalism and shoplifting, sir.
57
00:02:13,276 --> 00:02:15,748
Yeah, that sounds like Bart,
that little devil.
58
00:02:15,815 --> 00:02:18,119
If you don't send his bail money
in the next 90 minutes,
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00:02:18,186 --> 00:02:19,546
he's going straight
to the downtown
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00:02:19,589 --> 00:02:21,158
juvenile detention center.
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00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:23,697
BOY:
Grandfather! Help me! Please!
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00:02:23,764 --> 00:02:24,833
Don't worry, Bart.
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Just tell me what you need
and I'll do it.
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00:02:27,137 --> 00:02:29,474
Your Grampa loves you.
65
00:02:31,746 --> 00:02:34,151
I need to wire some money
to an overseas account
66
00:02:34,218 --> 00:02:37,123
to bail my grandson
out of an unnamed jail.
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00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:38,827
Fill out this form.
68
00:02:38,894 --> 00:02:41,566
I didn't know my little Emma
was in Colombia,
69
00:02:41,633 --> 00:02:44,739
let alone
working as a drug mule.
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00:02:44,806 --> 00:02:47,143
I'm just thankful
the Russian secret police
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00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:49,849
will accept the title
to my Lexus.
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00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:54,692
MAN:
Mr. Simpson, we've
confirmed receipt.
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00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:56,696
Your grandson
will be released...
74
00:02:56,763 --> 00:02:58,199
Oh, thank God.
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00:02:58,266 --> 00:02:59,702
...once you pay
his processing fees,
76
00:02:59,769 --> 00:03:02,440
holding cell costs
and handcuff tax.
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00:03:02,507 --> 00:03:05,146
It's on its way,
plus a little extra
78
00:03:05,213 --> 00:03:07,919
for you being so helpful.
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00:03:07,985 --> 00:03:10,423
Did he reach out to his father?
His mother?
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00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:12,227
His dead grandmother?
81
00:03:12,294 --> 00:03:14,031
No.
He came to me.
82
00:03:14,097 --> 00:03:16,603
Because Bart knew that
he could count on his Grampa
83
00:03:16,670 --> 00:03:19,541
to get him
out of any kind of jam.
84
00:03:20,577 --> 00:03:22,147
Mm.
85
00:03:22,213 --> 00:03:25,053
Oh, thank goodness
you're out!
86
00:03:27,658 --> 00:03:29,762
Okay, okay,
enough with the smooches.
87
00:03:29,829 --> 00:03:32,334
I don't care what you've done.
All that matters
88
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,073
is that no grandson of mine's
gonna go to jail.
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00:03:35,139 --> 00:03:37,745
Jail?
Are you off your meds
90
00:03:37,812 --> 00:03:38,880
or on new meds?
91
00:03:38,947 --> 00:03:40,985
Bart, don't you remember?
92
00:03:41,051 --> 00:03:44,091
I just wired all that money
to pay your bail.
93
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:46,997
Whoa, Grampa,
I think you were...
94
00:03:47,063 --> 00:03:48,199
scammed.
95
00:03:48,265 --> 00:03:50,971
Me, scammed?
(laughs)
96
00:03:51,038 --> 00:03:52,240
That's impossible.
97
00:03:52,307 --> 00:03:54,979
No one hornswoggles Abraham J...
98
00:03:55,046 --> 00:03:56,382
S‐I‐M‐P‐S‐O‐N.
99
00:03:56,448 --> 00:04:00,223
Social Security number:
327‐00‐3658.
100
00:04:00,289 --> 00:04:02,160
First pet's name: Homer.
101
00:04:02,227 --> 00:04:03,496
(gasps)
102
00:04:03,563 --> 00:04:06,101
I've been hornswoggled.
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00:04:06,903 --> 00:04:10,009
ANNOUNCER:
You're watching
the Punt Zone channel.
104
00:04:10,076 --> 00:04:11,613
It's nothing but punts.
105
00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:13,683
Never miss another
exciting fair catch
106
00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:17,223
or thrilling second
of hang time.
107
00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:19,394
It's fourth and long,
here's the snap.
108
00:04:19,461 --> 00:04:22,434
It's a fake punt!
Cut away! Cut away!
109
00:04:23,369 --> 00:04:25,741
Guys, something happened
to Grampa.
110
00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:27,912
I got bamboozled out of my money
111
00:04:27,978 --> 00:04:30,416
by a flimflam artist.
112
00:04:30,483 --> 00:04:32,988
It's not his fault.
Some scammer
113
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,491
convinced him I was in jail.
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I'm so sorry, Grampa.
115
00:04:36,796 --> 00:04:40,203
Um, uh, let me
go microwave your slippers.
116
00:04:40,269 --> 00:04:42,675
I don't deserve warm toes.
117
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:46,549
I'm nothing but a feeble,
useless, old idjit.
118
00:04:46,616 --> 00:04:49,789
No. You were just trying
to be a good grandparent.
119
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:52,661
And one bad apple
took advantage of you.
120
00:04:52,728 --> 00:04:54,966
You got nothing
to feel bad about. (laughs)
121
00:04:55,032 --> 00:04:59,374
Bart in jail? I would have
fallen for that, too.
122
00:04:59,441 --> 00:05:00,653
I mean, how much money
could they have taken
123
00:05:00,677 --> 00:05:02,514
from a retired,
old meatball man‐‐
124
00:05:02,581 --> 00:05:05,621
50 bucks plus a pocketful
of hard candies?
125
00:05:05,687 --> 00:05:08,560
Here you go, Dad. I'll cover it.
What's the damage?
126
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Ten thousand dollars!
127
00:05:11,431 --> 00:05:12,635
(all gasp)
128
00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:14,672
Where the hell
did you get that kind of money,
129
00:05:14,739 --> 00:05:16,943
you broken‐down
old meatball man?
130
00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:19,514
It's 20 years
of my cribbage winnings,
131
00:05:19,582 --> 00:05:21,886
saved up in a cigar box.
132
00:05:21,953 --> 00:05:25,994
I was gonna leave it to you,
and now it's all gone.
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00:05:26,061 --> 00:05:27,061
(gasps)
134
00:05:28,032 --> 00:05:30,604
No. No.
135
00:05:30,671 --> 00:05:31,973
No!
136
00:05:33,442 --> 00:05:36,014
I had an inheritance
and you gave it away?
137
00:05:36,081 --> 00:05:38,452
I'm so mad I could kill you,
138
00:05:38,519 --> 00:05:40,356
but now I'd get nothing.
139
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,595
I hope you live forever!
140
00:05:48,607 --> 00:05:50,409
Now to read Abraham J. Simpson's
141
00:05:50,476 --> 00:05:52,715
final will and testament.
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00:05:52,781 --> 00:05:54,619
To my surviving Homers,
143
00:05:54,685 --> 00:05:56,823
I leave you $10,000
144
00:05:56,889 --> 00:05:59,527
- that I never told you about...
- (giggles)
145
00:05:59,595 --> 00:06:01,265
- Oh!
- Huh?
- Yeah?
146
00:06:01,331 --> 00:06:03,603
...but then I lost it all
to a scam.
147
00:06:03,670 --> 00:06:05,273
So, because I'm a moron,
148
00:06:05,339 --> 00:06:07,143
I leave you nothing.
149
00:06:07,210 --> 00:06:09,180
ALL:
D'oh!
150
00:06:09,247 --> 00:06:10,751
Ten thousand dollars!
151
00:06:10,817 --> 00:06:13,022
(exhales)
That dream again?
152
00:06:13,088 --> 00:06:15,694
The money's gone, gone.
153
00:06:15,761 --> 00:06:19,134
But how can you miss money
you never knew you had?
154
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,873
That's the worst part:
to find out got money,
155
00:06:21,939 --> 00:06:24,311
but you lost money,
so you have it,
156
00:06:24,377 --> 00:06:25,580
but you don't have it.
157
00:06:25,647 --> 00:06:27,918
Oh, it's giving me whipcash.
158
00:06:27,985 --> 00:06:30,256
(whimpers, grunts)
159
00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:34,364
Just think of all the ways
my life could have been better
160
00:06:34,431 --> 00:06:36,903
with that ten grand.
161
00:06:44,317 --> 00:06:45,921
(moans): Oh.
162
00:06:48,092 --> 00:06:51,331
So, uh, we're asking each family
to chip in $50
163
00:06:51,398 --> 00:06:53,670
for a new
fundraising thermometer.
164
00:06:53,737 --> 00:06:57,009
Oh, yeah, 50 bucks‐‐
I would totally donate that
165
00:06:57,076 --> 00:06:58,245
if my father hadn't
166
00:06:58,312 --> 00:07:01,385
given away $10,000!
167
00:07:01,451 --> 00:07:04,023
Um, it's just
a suggested amount.
168
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:07,731
Sure, ten grand might not
sound like much to you teachers,
169
00:07:07,798 --> 00:07:10,403
but I choose inheriting $10,000
170
00:07:10,469 --> 00:07:13,409
over earning a million.
171
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,112
And all of you
would do the same!
172
00:07:15,179 --> 00:07:16,916
Homer, not here.
173
00:07:16,983 --> 00:07:19,387
Because generational wealth
is the purest,
174
00:07:19,454 --> 00:07:21,525
most sacred kind of money
there is.
175
00:07:21,592 --> 00:07:24,497
But my father fell for
some super‐obvious scam
176
00:07:24,565 --> 00:07:26,736
because his brain is made of
177
00:07:26,803 --> 00:07:29,274
powdered mashed potatoes.
178
00:07:29,340 --> 00:07:33,215
So, no, I will not be donating.
179
00:07:34,350 --> 00:07:35,654
(huffs)
180
00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:38,827
- Oh...
- Marge, if I may, I‐I dealt with
a similar situation
181
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:40,664
with my mother.
She got a phone call
182
00:07:40,730 --> 00:07:42,868
claiming punk rockers were
threatening to cut my hair
183
00:07:42,935 --> 00:07:45,674
into a Mohawk, which is
a distinctive hairstyle...
184
00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:46,909
I know what it is.
185
00:07:46,976 --> 00:07:49,047
This place got us through it.
186
00:07:49,113 --> 00:07:50,717
Hmm.
187
00:07:50,784 --> 00:07:52,821
This could be just what we need.
188
00:07:52,888 --> 00:07:54,859
Oh, uh, sorry,
that's not for you to keep.
189
00:07:54,925 --> 00:07:57,296
I don't get
many business cards.
190
00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:02,206
Group therapy? In my day,
we dealt with horrible shame
191
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:05,145
by getting blind drunk,
stumbling into a hobo camp
192
00:08:05,212 --> 00:08:06,682
and fighting their king.
193
00:08:06,749 --> 00:08:09,120
Sometimes it worked,
sometimes it didn't.
194
00:08:09,187 --> 00:08:10,590
Just give it a try, Abe.
195
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,630
It'll help to know
that you're not alone.
196
00:08:14,865 --> 00:08:16,802
(chuckles)
Nice, Marge.
197
00:08:16,869 --> 00:08:19,274
Making Dad sit through
a pathetic sob‐fest
198
00:08:19,340 --> 00:08:22,681
with his fellow losers
is the perfect punishment.
199
00:08:22,748 --> 00:08:25,085
There's a group for you, too.
200
00:08:26,521 --> 00:08:30,396
I... (grunts) wish I never voted
to build this community center.
201
00:08:30,462 --> 00:08:31,699
(Marge grunts)
202
00:08:31,766 --> 00:08:34,370
(sighs) I should have known
mortgage lenders
203
00:08:34,437 --> 00:08:36,441
don't take
Applebee's gift cards.
204
00:08:36,508 --> 00:08:38,880
He said if I didn't wire
the money to the power company,
205
00:08:38,947 --> 00:08:41,251
they'd shut off my electricity.
206
00:08:41,318 --> 00:08:43,590
I am the power company.
207
00:08:43,656 --> 00:08:44,825
Catfished.
Ooh!
208
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,796
Now it seems so obvious
209
00:08:46,862 --> 00:08:49,768
that I would never meet
the real Melissa Joan Hart
210
00:08:49,835 --> 00:08:52,006
in a online billiards forum.
211
00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:54,812
These criminals
target the good in all of us,
212
00:08:54,878 --> 00:08:57,283
so the first step
is to take a deep breath
213
00:08:57,350 --> 00:08:59,520
and forgive ourselves.
214
00:08:59,588 --> 00:09:03,028
(all inhale, exhale)
215
00:09:03,095 --> 00:09:06,936
My mother paid hackers to return
her stolen computer photos.
216
00:09:07,003 --> 00:09:09,374
(groans) They weren't gone.
They were backed up
217
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:12,213
to the cloud, Dropbox,
Time Machine‐‐
218
00:09:12,279 --> 00:09:14,183
things of that nature.
219
00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:17,456
Now, these are the things you
should never say to a victim.
220
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:19,595
"I would never
have fallen for that,"
221
00:09:19,662 --> 00:09:22,233
"Everyone knows
about that scam,"
222
00:09:22,299 --> 00:09:24,470
and "What were you thinking?"
223
00:09:24,537 --> 00:09:26,508
I would have never
fallen for that!
224
00:09:26,575 --> 00:09:28,445
Everyone knows about that scam!
225
00:09:28,512 --> 00:09:30,482
What were you thinking?!
226
00:09:30,550 --> 00:09:31,919
No, it wasn't my fault.
227
00:09:31,986 --> 00:09:34,692
This group taught me
not to feel shame.
228
00:09:34,758 --> 00:09:37,831
I'm on a path of healing
and self‐empowerment.
229
00:09:37,898 --> 00:09:39,668
You better not be.
230
00:09:39,735 --> 00:09:42,941
Now, what do we say
to shamers like him?
231
00:09:43,008 --> 00:09:45,245
ALL:
Shaming is blaming.
232
00:09:45,312 --> 00:09:48,118
Yes, 100% agree!
233
00:09:50,255 --> 00:09:51,892
(grunts)
234
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:54,230
How could you treat
Grampa like that?
235
00:09:54,297 --> 00:09:56,669
You think you're so smart.
Do you really think
236
00:09:56,736 --> 00:09:59,307
the same thing
wouldn't have happened to you?
237
00:09:59,373 --> 00:10:00,710
Me? Impossible.
238
00:10:00,777 --> 00:10:02,748
I'm too savvy.
239
00:10:02,814 --> 00:10:05,553
This savvy!
See?
240
00:10:05,620 --> 00:10:08,593
Dad, anyone can get scammed.
Even me.
241
00:10:08,659 --> 00:10:10,864
I paid the bullies
for wedgie insurance.
242
00:10:10,930 --> 00:10:12,834
But the minute
I got a wedgie, bam!
243
00:10:12,901 --> 00:10:15,439
I got hit with a deductible‐‐
another wedgie!
244
00:10:15,506 --> 00:10:17,009
And my rates went up.
245
00:10:17,076 --> 00:10:20,149
That's why I never get
any insurance.
246
00:10:20,215 --> 00:10:21,886
I got an email
saying I qualified
247
00:10:21,952 --> 00:10:23,890
for the Saxophone
Junior Olympics,
248
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,829
but when I clicked the link,
they hacked my phone
249
00:10:26,896 --> 00:10:30,536
and stole
my Audible listener credits.
250
00:10:30,603 --> 00:10:31,739
(laughs)
251
00:10:31,806 --> 00:10:34,711
You clicked the link?
(laughing)
252
00:10:34,778 --> 00:10:38,553
That's so...
Who clicks the link?
253
00:10:38,619 --> 00:10:40,489
Even children are being scammed?
254
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:43,328
Well, maybe there's a few more
bad apples than I thought.
255
00:10:43,395 --> 00:10:47,938
But I still have to believe
the barrel is mostly good.
256
00:10:48,004 --> 00:10:50,442
Oh, Marge, how I envy
your sweet innocence.
257
00:10:50,509 --> 00:10:54,718
The world is a blender full
of sharks set on extra teeth.
258
00:10:54,785 --> 00:10:57,423
So you got to be like me‐‐
always on guard
259
00:10:57,489 --> 00:11:00,830
- so you're never a sucker.
- (doorbell rings)
260
00:11:00,897 --> 00:11:03,034
Delivery for Homer Simpson.
261
00:11:03,101 --> 00:11:04,771
Why'd you buy all these knives?
262
00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:07,644
They're not knives.
They're the future of cutlery.
263
00:11:07,711 --> 00:11:09,380
Put 'em in the garage
with the others.
264
00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:10,447
Others?
265
00:11:11,819 --> 00:11:13,756
- (gasps)
- Cutlife is a famous
266
00:11:13,823 --> 00:11:16,094
multi‐level marketing company.
267
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,400
Dad, you fell
for a pyramid scheme.
268
00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:21,605
Scheme? No way.
269
00:11:21,672 --> 00:11:23,208
They didn't even
want to let me join.
270
00:11:23,275 --> 00:11:26,214
But, luckily, at the last
minute, a space opened up.
271
00:11:26,281 --> 00:11:28,418
How many knives
have you even sold?
272
00:11:28,485 --> 00:11:30,924
(laughs)
I don't sell them.
273
00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:32,627
I engage opportunity handlers
274
00:11:32,694 --> 00:11:34,798
to distributize them for me,
275
00:11:34,865 --> 00:11:36,969
the expandibution manager.
276
00:11:37,036 --> 00:11:39,340
It's all
part of Charles E. Cutlife's
277
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:42,112
three‐dimensional
triangle system.
278
00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:43,983
- Look!
- BART: Why can't Dad
279
00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:45,954
ever get arrested in a suit?
280
00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:47,590
Face it, genius:
281
00:11:47,657 --> 00:11:51,030
you got scammed.
282
00:11:51,097 --> 00:11:54,170
(sobs)
She's right. Everyone's right.
283
00:11:54,236 --> 00:11:57,142
Don't look at my gullible face!
(sobs)
284
00:11:57,944 --> 00:12:00,883
And so I consign to the flames
285
00:12:00,950 --> 00:12:03,455
a monument to my own stupidity.
286
00:12:03,521 --> 00:12:04,523
- No!
- (grunts)
287
00:12:07,029 --> 00:12:10,435
Now, isn't there someone
you need to apologize to?
288
00:12:10,502 --> 00:12:11,872
Maybe your father?
289
00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:13,174
Yeah, you're right.
290
00:12:13,241 --> 00:12:16,314
I said such horrible things
to him.
291
00:12:16,381 --> 00:12:17,584
(gasps)
292
00:12:18,819 --> 00:12:20,623
All that time
I was yelling at you,
293
00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:22,627
it turns out I'm a sucker, too.
294
00:12:22,694 --> 00:12:24,096
Will you forgive me, Dad?
295
00:12:24,163 --> 00:12:26,100
Of course, son.
Hopefully, we've all
296
00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:28,873
come out of this
a little more savvy.
297
00:12:28,939 --> 00:12:30,710
(phone rings)
298
00:12:30,777 --> 00:12:33,381
Hello?
Yes, this is a grandparent
299
00:12:33,448 --> 00:12:36,989
of a boy or girl. Sure,
put him or her on the phone.
300
00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:39,527
No!
Lisa's in jail!
301
00:12:39,594 --> 00:12:42,232
Grampa, they're trying
to trick you again.
302
00:12:42,299 --> 00:12:44,170
(gasps)
It's the same swindler.
303
00:12:44,236 --> 00:12:46,507
He must think
I'm greedy for more.
304
00:12:46,575 --> 00:12:48,244
(gasps)
I got an idea.
305
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,486
Grampa, you got to keep talking
so that guy stays on the phone.
306
00:12:52,554 --> 00:12:53,856
Keep talking?
307
00:12:53,923 --> 00:12:55,626
I've been preparing
for this moment
308
00:12:55,693 --> 00:12:57,229
my entire life.
309
00:12:57,296 --> 00:12:58,999
MAN:
Sir, look, if you don't
310
00:12:59,066 --> 00:13:00,837
put up that bail money,
your granddaughter
311
00:13:00,903 --> 00:13:02,907
will be spending the night
in the cooler.
312
00:13:02,974 --> 00:13:05,479
- (crack)
- In my day, we didn't have
fancy coolers,
313
00:13:05,546 --> 00:13:08,786
so everyone took turns blowing
on the meat to keep it fresh,
314
00:13:08,853 --> 00:13:12,025
unless you hired a Dutch family
to blow on your food for you.
315
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:15,332
Breezies is what you'd call 'em.
316
00:13:16,668 --> 00:13:18,906
(snoring)
317
00:13:20,475 --> 00:13:22,045
(high‐pitched gibberish plays,
stops)
318
00:13:22,112 --> 00:13:23,649
MAN:
Sir, if you could just
319
00:13:23,716 --> 00:13:25,686
give us your bank information...
320
00:13:25,753 --> 00:13:28,324
GRAMPA:
It was quite the scandal
when a breezy
321
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:31,297
married a smusher‐‐
those were the fellas you hired
322
00:13:31,364 --> 00:13:33,936
to flatten your sandwiches
by sitting on 'em‐‐
323
00:13:34,003 --> 00:13:37,042
and the whole town came out
to throw tar...
324
00:13:37,109 --> 00:13:39,915
Wow, that's some
quality prattle.
325
00:13:39,981 --> 00:13:41,852
Okay, I've run all three hours
of the call
326
00:13:41,919 --> 00:13:43,822
through open‐source
audio software,
327
00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,492
and the unique pattern
of church bells
328
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,634
and roller‐coaster screams
pins the location to...
329
00:13:50,603 --> 00:13:54,243
...ladies and gentlemen,
the address of the scammer.
330
00:13:55,011 --> 00:13:57,115
Whoa, we could
get the money back.
331
00:13:57,182 --> 00:13:59,086
It's not about the money.
332
00:13:59,153 --> 00:14:01,792
I want to show that bad guy
the face of the old man
333
00:14:01,858 --> 00:14:04,998
whose love and decency
he exploited.
334
00:14:05,065 --> 00:14:07,570
Oh, honey, you have
a beautiful heart.
335
00:14:07,637 --> 00:14:08,939
But make no mistake‐‐
336
00:14:09,006 --> 00:14:11,678
it is about the money!
337
00:14:23,468 --> 00:14:25,272
♪ ♪
338
00:14:30,650 --> 00:14:32,854
Kids, today you're gonna
learn an important lesson:
339
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,660
sometimes the sheep
get back their wool.
340
00:14:35,726 --> 00:14:38,431
(scoffs) No, they don't.
They just grow more wool.
341
00:14:38,498 --> 00:14:40,870
What are you, a shepherd?
Come on, Dad.
342
00:14:40,936 --> 00:14:43,007
Let's go get
my eventual money back.
343
00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:46,180
How are we gonna
get past the guard?
344
00:14:46,247 --> 00:14:48,184
Aw, don't worry about that.
345
00:14:48,251 --> 00:14:51,290
My friends can get us in.
346
00:14:53,294 --> 00:14:55,633
That's the surgical precision
you only get
347
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:57,837
from the finest Idaho steel.
348
00:14:57,904 --> 00:15:00,810
Amazing.
I'll take the full set.
349
00:15:00,876 --> 00:15:02,680
Oh, you're not
buying the knives.
350
00:15:02,747 --> 00:15:04,116
I could sell them?
351
00:15:04,183 --> 00:15:07,456
No, you can sell other people
on selling them.
352
00:15:07,522 --> 00:15:11,197
These knives sell
selling themselves themselves.
353
00:15:11,263 --> 00:15:13,802
This is the opportunity
of a lifetime!
354
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:17,610
I'm gonna go tell my pregnant
wife about my new career.
355
00:15:18,712 --> 00:15:21,183
Okay, Grampa,
we're gonna find that bad guy
356
00:15:21,250 --> 00:15:23,655
and get you some justice.
357
00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:26,862
(low overlapping chatter)
358
00:15:26,928 --> 00:15:28,632
Uh, which one's the scammer?
359
00:15:28,699 --> 00:15:30,569
They're all the scammer.
360
00:15:30,636 --> 00:15:32,907
The IRS tax police
are on their way to your home,
361
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:35,946
but we'll accept immediate
payment in Fortnite V‐bucks.
362
00:15:36,013 --> 00:15:38,418
Oh, your Airbnb
is all ready to go, there.
363
00:15:38,484 --> 00:15:40,623
I'm fluffing the towels
right now.
364
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,159
Fluff, fluff.
365
00:15:42,225 --> 00:15:44,096
There's so many of them.
366
00:15:44,163 --> 00:15:44,931
(clears throat)
367
00:15:44,998 --> 00:15:47,970
You are all
in an unethical industry
368
00:15:48,037 --> 00:15:50,408
and we have called
the authorities.
369
00:15:51,210 --> 00:15:53,448
(panting)
Oh, man.
370
00:15:53,514 --> 00:15:56,387
Another boiler room
of phone hucksters.
371
00:15:56,454 --> 00:15:58,592
All right, scambags,
you know the drill:
372
00:15:58,659 --> 00:16:02,633
you don't got to go home,
but you can't grift here.
373
00:16:05,071 --> 00:16:07,710
- Come on.
- What?
- Really?
374
00:16:09,279 --> 00:16:11,350
Aren't you going to arrest them?
375
00:16:11,417 --> 00:16:13,387
Marge, you shut down
one of these,
376
00:16:13,454 --> 00:16:15,458
five more
pop up in its place.
377
00:16:15,525 --> 00:16:18,097
Phone fraud and
Halloween costumes for pets
378
00:16:18,164 --> 00:16:20,769
are America's
only growth industries.
379
00:16:20,836 --> 00:16:24,009
So they're just employees
doing this for a paycheck?
380
00:16:24,076 --> 00:16:26,080
I wish we got paid in money.
381
00:16:26,146 --> 00:16:28,852
All we get is minimum wage
and gift cards.
382
00:16:28,919 --> 00:16:30,990
- Do you have my dad's money?
- No.
383
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:32,894
- Do you have my money?
- Nope.
384
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,530
Can I have $10,000?
385
00:16:34,597 --> 00:16:36,233
BART'S VOICE:
Not gonna happen, dude.
386
00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:38,237
Hey, you sound familiar.
387
00:16:38,304 --> 00:16:40,141
Don't have a cow, man.
388
00:16:41,076 --> 00:16:43,682
Is this what
we wanted to happen?
389
00:16:43,749 --> 00:16:47,757
Okay, I know this seems bad,
but... but, uh...
390
00:16:47,823 --> 00:16:51,430
Oh, come on, Mom, you always
see the good in everything.
391
00:16:51,497 --> 00:16:54,236
Well, on the bright side,
392
00:16:54,303 --> 00:16:57,042
if you look at it
a certain way...
393
00:16:57,108 --> 00:16:58,579
there is no bright side!
394
00:16:58,645 --> 00:17:01,417
The whole world is one big
criminal organization!
395
00:17:01,483 --> 00:17:05,058
From hedge funds to payday loans
to the NCAA,
396
00:17:05,124 --> 00:17:06,928
it's not just a few bad apples‐‐
397
00:17:06,995 --> 00:17:09,567
it's the whole orchard
that's rotten!
398
00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:11,003
(grunts)
399
00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:12,673
Whoa, gift cards!
400
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,109
Justice wasn't served,
401
00:17:14,176 --> 00:17:16,715
but dinner is.
402
00:17:18,084 --> 00:17:20,321
(groans)
I can't believe we ate
403
00:17:20,388 --> 00:17:22,994
$500 worth of appetizers.
404
00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:26,601
Revenge sliders
dipped in payback sauce.
405
00:17:26,668 --> 00:17:27,703
Mmm.
406
00:17:27,770 --> 00:17:29,907
Honey, you're not
sweating from overeating.
407
00:17:29,974 --> 00:17:31,678
What's wrong?
408
00:17:31,745 --> 00:17:35,552
These gift cards were obtained
by scamming innocent people.
409
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,322
So no, thank you.
410
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:38,692
You said it yourself‐‐
411
00:17:38,759 --> 00:17:41,430
everyone in the world
is ripping off everyone else.
412
00:17:41,497 --> 00:17:44,102
Why shouldn't we wet our beaks?
413
00:17:44,169 --> 00:17:47,075
Oh, you got to try
these fried beaks.
414
00:17:47,142 --> 00:17:49,479
Dip the beak!
Dip the beak!
415
00:17:49,547 --> 00:17:52,052
Well, it seems like
no one else has a problem
416
00:17:52,118 --> 00:17:54,891
gorging on
ill‐gotten appetizers.
417
00:17:56,126 --> 00:17:58,197
Beak me.
418
00:18:03,909 --> 00:18:06,180
(munching)
419
00:18:06,981 --> 00:18:09,219
With that deep‐fried morsel,
420
00:18:09,286 --> 00:18:12,325
my victory is complete.
421
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:14,129
Uh, we're all seeing
422
00:18:14,196 --> 00:18:17,135
the freak in the sandals, right?
(burps)
423
00:18:17,202 --> 00:18:19,907
Yes, but this can't be real.
424
00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:23,949
We probably just ate too many
wasabi mac and cheese balls.
425
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,853
Silence, you mewling wretches,
426
00:18:25,919 --> 00:18:29,326
for I am Loki, god of mischief.
427
00:18:29,392 --> 00:18:31,831
But I am known by many names
428
00:18:31,898 --> 00:18:33,902
and take many forms.
429
00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:38,410
Buy crypto, suckers!
430
00:18:38,477 --> 00:18:40,616
And my handiwork of deception
431
00:18:40,682 --> 00:18:43,755
is woven into the fabric
of the universe.
432
00:18:43,822 --> 00:18:46,059
From the Ticketmaster
convenience fee
433
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,565
to the NCAA.
434
00:18:48,632 --> 00:18:51,871
Oh, lord of appetizers,
I kneel before you.
435
00:18:51,938 --> 00:18:55,411
Who shall I smother with ranch
in your name?
436
00:18:55,478 --> 00:18:59,286
Well, Loki, you've already
taken an old man's life savings.
437
00:18:59,352 --> 00:19:01,056
What more do you want?
438
00:19:01,123 --> 00:19:03,427
I have come here to...
439
00:19:03,494 --> 00:19:04,664
'Zerz...
440
00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:06,333
to take my prize:
441
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,506
an honest woman's belief
in the good of mankind.
442
00:19:09,574 --> 00:19:12,646
And now, as the old laws demand,
443
00:19:12,713 --> 00:19:16,019
I must bestow
upon the vanquished a kiss.
444
00:19:16,086 --> 00:19:17,455
Mwah.
445
00:19:17,522 --> 00:19:19,861
Ha‐ha!
There are no old laws.
446
00:19:19,927 --> 00:19:22,165
God of mischief does it again!
447
00:19:22,232 --> 00:19:24,402
Now, off to add
more blackout dates
448
00:19:24,469 --> 00:19:27,108
to Disneyland annual passes.
449
00:19:27,175 --> 00:19:30,716
(giggles)
450
00:19:30,782 --> 00:19:32,553
Suckers.
451
00:19:33,354 --> 00:19:35,157
Whoa, that was weird.
452
00:19:35,224 --> 00:19:37,262
Should we get the rest to go?
453
00:19:38,565 --> 00:19:41,069
Excuse me, I'm out of gas
454
00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:42,740
and left my wallet at home.
455
00:19:42,806 --> 00:19:44,175
Would you lend me $20?
456
00:19:44,242 --> 00:19:46,280
I'll mail it back to you,
I promise.
457
00:19:46,346 --> 00:19:49,152
Uh, I'm sorry,
but that is an obvious scam.
458
00:19:49,219 --> 00:19:50,822
Uh, go find another sucker.
459
00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:53,327
Is this it‐‐ from now on,
I live in a world
460
00:19:53,394 --> 00:19:56,300
where nobody trusts anybody?
461
00:19:56,366 --> 00:19:58,170
No, not me.
462
00:19:58,237 --> 00:20:00,742
Here's $20 and my address.
463
00:20:00,809 --> 00:20:03,882
I trust that
you'll mail me the money.
464
00:20:11,764 --> 00:20:13,367
(sighs)
465
00:20:16,073 --> 00:20:18,377
(gasps)
I knew it!
466
00:20:18,444 --> 00:20:19,647
Maybe you're right, baby.
467
00:20:19,714 --> 00:20:22,418
There still are some
good people out there.
468
00:20:22,485 --> 00:20:25,726
In your face, god of scams!
469
00:20:29,199 --> 00:20:30,635
(whistles tune)
470
00:20:30,702 --> 00:20:33,407
Well, I'm out another 20 bucks,
471
00:20:33,474 --> 00:20:36,380
but I gave them
something to believe in.
472
00:20:36,446 --> 00:20:39,185
(laughs)
Suckers.
473
00:20:52,011 --> 00:20:54,315
Your Social Security number
has been compromised.
474
00:20:54,382 --> 00:20:55,427
Please give us
your Social Security number
475
00:20:55,451 --> 00:20:57,488
so we can keep it safe.
476
00:20:58,290 --> 00:21:01,396
I met my billionaire boyfriend
on Billionaire Match.
477
00:21:01,463 --> 00:21:02,900
Match with billions
of billionaires
478
00:21:02,966 --> 00:21:05,438
for only $4.95 a month.
479
00:21:06,707 --> 00:21:09,880
If you or your family have used
toilet paper in the last year,
480
00:21:09,947 --> 00:21:13,420
you can join us
in a class action lawsuit.
481
00:21:14,489 --> 00:21:16,961
We have found
nude photos of you.
482
00:21:17,028 --> 00:21:19,165
If you want these removed
and/or touched up,
483
00:21:19,232 --> 00:21:21,470
please press 1 now.
484
00:21:22,405 --> 00:21:25,277
This is Jerry
down at whatever bank you use.
485
00:21:25,344 --> 00:21:27,081
We lost your PIN number.
486
00:21:27,148 --> 00:21:29,185
Can you send it to us?
487
00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:32,458
Shh!