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Shut up!
It's starting!
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00:00:22,499 --> 00:00:24,000
The Springfield Atoms
have earned
3
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:25,101
the number‐one pick
in this year's draft,
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after intentionally losing
every game last season.
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Nobody tanks like Springfield‐‐
6
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City of Intentional Losers.
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Tank! Tank! Tank!
8
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‐And with the first pick
‐
9
00:00:38,048 --> 00:00:41,084
of the draft,
the Springfield Atoms select...
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00:00:41,151 --> 00:00:42,919
Grayson Mathers.
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All right!
12
00:00:46,056 --> 00:00:48,725
Yeah! All right!
13
00:00:50,860 --> 00:00:53,897
We have witnessed the most
beautiful birth in the world‐‐
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that of a football dynasty.
15
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Let's show Philadelphia what
a real victory riot looks like!
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What a needless tragedy.
17
00:01:12,616 --> 00:01:15,018
You say our corporate revenue
is down?
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Well, the losses are
all coming from one division‐‐
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00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:18,989
your liquor company.
20
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Sales of Mr. Gentleman Brandy
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have reached zero and
are only projected to go down.
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Impossible.
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00:01:24,361 --> 00:01:26,196
Mr. Gentleman is sipped
by every trustee
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00:01:26,263 --> 00:01:28,398
of the Narragansett
Whale Oil Concern.
25
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Well, maybe the problem
is the ad campaign.
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It's encouraging consuming
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as little of the liquor
as possible.
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Ah. That'll hold me
for quite a while.
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So, I brought
in a branding expert
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to reimagine Mr. Gentleman.
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These days,
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which in the branding business
is called "the present,"
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the only liquor brands
people care about
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00:01:48,084 --> 00:01:50,153
are endorsed by big celebrities.
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People think,
"If I buy this tequila,
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00:01:52,289 --> 00:01:54,391
then I'm as fun
as George Clooney."
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00:01:54,457 --> 00:01:56,927
Or, "I need to be more smug
and unbearable.
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Hey,
Ryan Reynolds has a gin."
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So we find the perfect celebrity
to represent my brandy.
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00:02:02,799 --> 00:02:04,034
But who?
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00:02:04,134 --> 00:02:05,769
What about Harrison Ford?
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‐Too Hollywood.
‐Dolly Parton?
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Too Dollywood.
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00:02:08,905 --> 00:02:09,806
With that, we end the list
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00:02:09,906 --> 00:02:12,142
of every celebrity
who does not already have
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an existing liquor company.
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So what we need
is a brand‐new celebrity,
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00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:19,015
one adored by the common man.
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Grayson Mathers!
50
00:02:21,084 --> 00:02:24,454
Grayson Mathers!
Grayson Mathers!
51
00:02:24,588 --> 00:02:25,956
‐
‐Grayson!
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00:02:26,056 --> 00:02:27,190
Grayson, some have dubbed you
53
00:02:27,290 --> 00:02:29,426
"The Savior of Springfield
Football".
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Isn't that a lot of pressure
for a rookie?
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I do me.
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If you don't like it,
that's on you.
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Mm‐hmm.
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00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:38,335
Grayson, some people are put off
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00:02:38,435 --> 00:02:39,836
by your tell‐it‐like‐it‐is
attitude.
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What do you say to them?
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00:02:41,071 --> 00:02:42,172
I'm an open book,
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00:02:42,305 --> 00:02:43,974
but the media and haters
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00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,976
and people who have
never played the game,
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I carry myself
with a certain confidence,
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00:02:48,945 --> 00:02:51,314
and I don't apologize
for your perception
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00:02:51,381 --> 00:02:54,517
of statements I did not make,
but stand by.
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Truth bomb.
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I sleep at night.
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00:02:58,288 --> 00:02:59,856
What did you just say?
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00:02:59,923 --> 00:03:01,625
I do me.
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00:03:02,926 --> 00:03:05,595
Man, that dude
keeps it so real.
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00:03:05,662 --> 00:03:06,963
He's all, "This is me.
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I don't apologize.
What up, haters?"
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00:03:09,065 --> 00:03:11,167
He does him.
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00:03:11,268 --> 00:03:14,037
I wish I was
half as myself as he is.
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00:03:14,838 --> 00:03:17,908
They adore this pigskin‐tossing
football thrower.
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00:03:17,941 --> 00:03:19,643
He's brash, outspoken,
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00:03:19,709 --> 00:03:21,545
willfully uninformed.
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00:03:21,645 --> 00:03:23,013
He has no filter.
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In our sanitized,
clickbait‐ready,
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00:03:25,882 --> 00:03:26,950
media‐driven world,
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what people crave
is authenticity.
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If you don't believe me,
look at the metrics.
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00:03:32,222 --> 00:03:33,123
Now you believe me.
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00:03:33,189 --> 00:03:35,725
Why didn't you mention
any of this before?
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00:03:35,825 --> 00:03:38,695
I don't know.
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00:03:38,795 --> 00:03:42,165
This bad boy must be the new
face of my brandy company.
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00:03:42,232 --> 00:03:43,967
Smithers, hire him at once.
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00:03:44,034 --> 00:03:46,403
And get rid of this.
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But my metrics!
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I got no problem being me.
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00:03:58,481 --> 00:03:59,883
Opinions exist.
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00:03:59,983 --> 00:04:01,284
Think about it.
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00:04:01,351 --> 00:04:04,154
Do you seriously doubt
I know what I'm like?
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00:04:04,221 --> 00:04:05,989
And when it comes to brandy,
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00:04:06,056 --> 00:04:07,624
go ahead and sip.
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00:04:07,691 --> 00:04:08,625
Me?
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00:04:08,692 --> 00:04:10,360
I'll chug.
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I do me.
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00:04:12,862 --> 00:04:14,497
You do you...
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00:04:14,564 --> 00:04:16,233
my way.
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00:04:17,267 --> 00:04:18,768
Congratulations, my boy.
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00:04:18,835 --> 00:04:22,439
You are the face of America's
most marked‐up trash liquor.
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There's one thing
that's unique about me‐‐
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I've always admired rich people.
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And now I'm getting paid by one.
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That's on you.
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00:04:31,114 --> 00:04:33,316
Aw, come on, Burnsy.
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00:04:33,383 --> 00:04:35,018
Bring it in.
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00:04:35,118 --> 00:04:37,420
Yeah. I got you, bro.
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00:04:39,422 --> 00:04:43,493
So this is what it feels like
to be brought in.
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Cheers!
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00:04:49,532 --> 00:04:52,202
To the money
that comes from business.
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00:04:52,302 --> 00:04:55,071
To friendship hugs.
115
00:04:55,171 --> 00:04:56,940
Well,
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00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,174
first game
of the season tomorrow,
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so I'd better hit the Hay.
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That's the name of the club
I'm going to.
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Then I'm gonna hit the Sack.
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That's where the after‐party is.
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There he is, kids.
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00:05:11,154 --> 00:05:13,523
The QB who will one day
take us to the Super Bowl,
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00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:15,625
own several
local car dealerships
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00:05:15,692 --> 00:05:18,828
and host a middling
Saturday Night Live.
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00:05:18,895 --> 00:05:21,531
Oh, look at that baby face.
126
00:05:21,565 --> 00:05:24,301
I hope
there's no tackling today.
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Babyface looks
a little hungover, Mom.
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00:05:28,438 --> 00:05:30,206
Geez. He's kind of got
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00:05:30,307 --> 00:05:33,843
that "Dad asleep in his car
outside Moe's" look going.
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00:05:33,910 --> 00:05:35,712
The icy stare of a born winner?
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Yes. That one.
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And so begins a new era
in Atoms football.
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The golden child's mighty arm
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shall spiral a grim warning
to all who would oppose him.
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Hut, hut! Hike!
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Oh, God.
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‐Get off the field!
‐Boo!
‐You suck!
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00:06:01,771 --> 00:06:03,039
Oh, my God.
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The 22‐year‐old
I bet all my happiness on
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00:06:06,743 --> 00:06:09,112
is nothing but a bust!
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Bust! Bust! Bust! Bust!
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00:06:11,281 --> 00:06:13,316
But you were just
cheering for him.
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00:06:13,383 --> 00:06:15,018
You've been talking
about how great he is
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every day for months.
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But he's sucking.
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00:06:18,255 --> 00:06:19,723
It's the second‐best thing
he could do
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00:06:19,856 --> 00:06:21,491
next to playing great.
148
00:06:22,392 --> 00:06:24,895
How dare they jeer that boy?
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00:06:24,995 --> 00:06:27,063
He's like the arrogant,
out‐of‐control son
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I never sent to boarding school
and forgot about.
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00:06:29,699 --> 00:06:33,003
And Grayson Mathers
has just been benched.
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And here comes the Haterade.
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Aah!
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00:06:39,776 --> 00:06:41,811
Boo an angel, why don't you?
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Thunder‐stick him!
156
00:06:53,356 --> 00:06:56,293
There are far worse things
to be buried under.
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00:06:56,359 --> 00:07:00,196
Launch the souvenir
loaded nachos!
158
00:07:08,338 --> 00:07:11,308
Ah. Nothing like
a nice body‐temperature bath.
159
00:07:11,408 --> 00:07:13,076
I've never been booed before.
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00:07:13,143 --> 00:07:15,111
Not even when I trolled
the Florida State fans
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00:07:15,178 --> 00:07:16,780
by dancing on their coach.
162
00:07:16,846 --> 00:07:19,716
Am I, like, a loser now?
163
00:07:19,783 --> 00:07:21,585
If I am a loser,
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then maybe I shouldn't be...
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00:07:23,687 --> 00:07:24,821
doing me.
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Pish posh.
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Doing you is what you do best.
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And I'll prove it,
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by putting you
in front of an adoring crowd.
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Captain Underpants here!
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Wimpy Kid!
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I got Narnia!
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Goosebumps here!
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00:07:39,936 --> 00:07:43,640
Our guest has achieved great
things in life by hard work
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and being six‐foot‐four.
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Please welcome Grayson Mathers.
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Your principal
brought me here to tell you
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00:07:52,916 --> 00:07:54,618
that school is important.
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But I got to keep it real.
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This is the first time
I've ever been in a school,
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00:07:59,489 --> 00:08:02,826
and I own
three identical Ferraris!
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00:08:02,926 --> 00:08:04,661
That's wassup!
183
00:08:07,964 --> 00:08:09,399
I have a question.
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00:08:09,466 --> 00:08:10,667
You suck!
185
00:08:11,368 --> 00:08:14,004
You're garbage
outside the pocket!
186
00:08:14,104 --> 00:08:16,239
Your average depth of target
is a joke.
187
00:08:16,306 --> 00:08:17,774
Bust! Bust! Bust!
188
00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:20,544
The children are destroying him
with their hot takes!
189
00:08:20,644 --> 00:08:22,679
Bust! Bust! Bust!
190
00:08:22,812 --> 00:08:24,047
Shut up, you stupid kids!
191
00:08:24,114 --> 00:08:26,216
I'm a man! A football man!
192
00:08:26,316 --> 00:08:28,051
All I throw is dimes!
193
00:08:28,151 --> 00:08:29,286
Here's a dime for you!
194
00:08:29,352 --> 00:08:31,187
‐A dime for you!
‐
195
00:08:31,254 --> 00:08:32,522
Nothin' but dimes!
196
00:08:32,622 --> 00:08:33,690
Boom! Dime!
197
00:08:34,691 --> 00:08:35,926
Boom! Dime!
198
00:08:35,992 --> 00:08:37,460
‐Oh!
‐
199
00:08:37,527 --> 00:08:40,797
The Madagascar
hissing cockroaches are loose!
200
00:08:46,937 --> 00:08:48,705
All I drink is brandy!
201
00:08:48,805 --> 00:08:52,375
My urethra is on fire!
202
00:08:54,945 --> 00:08:57,480
I heard what you said
about your urethra.
203
00:08:57,547 --> 00:08:59,216
Are you feeling okay?
204
00:08:59,249 --> 00:09:00,917
I'm fine. Beat it, media.
205
00:09:00,984 --> 00:09:02,252
You listen here, young man.
206
00:09:02,319 --> 00:09:04,387
Just because you're embarrassed
by your own behavior
207
00:09:04,454 --> 00:09:06,356
is no reason to lash out at me.
208
00:09:06,489 --> 00:09:09,092
I'm the one person in town
who feels sorry for you,
209
00:09:09,192 --> 00:09:10,860
and even I've about had it.
210
00:09:10,961 --> 00:09:12,729
Now apologize.
211
00:09:12,829 --> 00:09:13,863
I'm sorry.
212
00:09:13,930 --> 00:09:15,732
Um... ma'am.
213
00:09:15,832 --> 00:09:18,368
Good. Now, tell me what's wrong.
214
00:09:18,435 --> 00:09:19,603
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
215
00:09:19,636 --> 00:09:21,738
I can't stop partying.
I barely sleep.
216
00:09:21,838 --> 00:09:23,773
I called Peyton Manning
a chicken‐fried Frankenstein
217
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:24,808
on Twitter.
218
00:09:24,874 --> 00:09:26,710
I‐I'm doing me more than ever.
219
00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:28,445
So why don't I play good?
220
00:09:28,545 --> 00:09:29,479
Oh, sweetie.
221
00:09:29,579 --> 00:09:32,649
It sounds like you just need
to slow down.
222
00:09:34,251 --> 00:09:36,953
I actually have
six identical Ferraris.
223
00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:39,689
I want to own
all the blue ones.
224
00:09:42,392 --> 00:09:44,027
I know what's wrong with you.
225
00:09:44,094 --> 00:09:46,029
Not enough Ferraris.
226
00:09:46,096 --> 00:09:48,765
What this boy needs
is a home‐cooked meal
227
00:09:48,832 --> 00:09:50,767
and a good night's sleep.
228
00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:52,068
At my house.
229
00:09:52,168 --> 00:09:54,905
A partnership
betwixt a man and a woman
230
00:09:54,938 --> 00:09:57,374
to provide for the care
of a young person.
231
00:09:57,474 --> 00:09:59,542
You supply
the nurturing home life,
232
00:09:59,609 --> 00:10:01,444
and I'll be
the emotionally‐withholding
233
00:10:01,511 --> 00:10:03,613
yet somehow worshipped
father figure.
234
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,682
It's a deal.
235
00:10:05,749 --> 00:10:07,684
You're coming home with me.
236
00:10:07,784 --> 00:10:08,818
I really want to,
237
00:10:08,919 --> 00:10:09,986
but I'm kind of supposed
to get into it
238
00:10:10,053 --> 00:10:12,556
with some hockey players
outside a strip club later.
239
00:10:12,622 --> 00:10:15,492
I'll call them
and tell them you're sick.
240
00:10:17,761 --> 00:10:20,063
Yo. Two parents and some kids?
241
00:10:20,130 --> 00:10:22,365
This is a straight‐up family.
242
00:10:22,399 --> 00:10:23,567
For real.
243
00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:25,535
I guess we are.
244
00:10:25,635 --> 00:10:28,972
So, Grayson, you just graduated
from college, right?
245
00:10:29,039 --> 00:10:30,707
What did you major in?
246
00:10:30,774 --> 00:10:32,075
Oh, they never told me.
247
00:10:32,142 --> 00:10:34,945
That means communications.
248
00:10:35,045 --> 00:10:37,581
You see, I grew up
on the Florida‐Texas border,
249
00:10:37,681 --> 00:10:39,416
where football is king.
250
00:10:39,482 --> 00:10:42,252
One day, I saw this other baby
crawling a post pattern,
251
00:10:42,352 --> 00:10:43,920
and I hit him with my pacifier.
252
00:10:43,987 --> 00:10:46,289
Perfect spiral. 20 yards.
253
00:10:46,356 --> 00:10:48,592
My folks did what
any loving parents would do‐‐
254
00:10:48,658 --> 00:10:50,860
they packed me off
to football academy.
255
00:10:50,927 --> 00:10:52,362
I'm real grateful.
256
00:10:52,429 --> 00:10:54,698
If you keep a kid at home
till he's two,
257
00:10:54,798 --> 00:10:56,533
it can screw up his development.
258
00:10:57,334 --> 00:10:59,035
Growing up in an
all‐football environment
259
00:10:59,069 --> 00:11:02,372
helped me avoid the distractions
that come with being a kid‐‐
260
00:11:02,472 --> 00:11:05,008
friends, laughing, that junk.
261
00:11:05,108 --> 00:11:08,044
For college, Alabama Tech
was an easy choice.
262
00:11:08,078 --> 00:11:10,013
Coach is an amazing recruiter.
263
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,948
You really feel his passion.
264
00:11:11,982 --> 00:11:15,085
Wait, so you never
see your parents?
265
00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:16,953
Oh, I see them all the time!
266
00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:17,954
I see them at games,
267
00:11:18,054 --> 00:11:19,489
in documentaries about me,
268
00:11:19,556 --> 00:11:20,790
in the Campbell's Soup
commercial
269
00:11:20,824 --> 00:11:22,993
my mom did without my knowledge.
270
00:11:23,059 --> 00:11:24,494
Oh, Grayson,
271
00:11:24,561 --> 00:11:26,496
growing up with nothing
but football
272
00:11:26,563 --> 00:11:28,231
can't have been healthy.
273
00:11:28,298 --> 00:11:30,467
No, no, I'm good.
274
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,269
Gimme that back!
275
00:11:32,369 --> 00:11:34,004
Starters eat before scrubs!
276
00:11:34,104 --> 00:11:35,872
Everybody knows that!
277
00:11:42,712 --> 00:11:45,982
You know, I'm beginning to see
the appeal of football.
278
00:11:46,082 --> 00:11:47,951
Hit him again!
279
00:11:48,051 --> 00:11:49,653
Kids, behave!
280
00:11:51,821 --> 00:11:54,724
In a family,
we do not steal food.
281
00:11:54,824 --> 00:11:56,026
‐But...
‐No buts.
282
00:11:56,092 --> 00:11:57,661
Just because there aren't
coaches and minders
283
00:11:57,727 --> 00:12:01,231
watching your every move doesn't
mean you can act selfishly.
284
00:12:01,331 --> 00:12:04,434
In a family, you don't do you.
285
00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:05,535
You do...
286
00:12:05,602 --> 00:12:06,570
others?
287
00:12:06,670 --> 00:12:08,038
And don't you forget it.
288
00:12:08,138 --> 00:12:10,440
Now, boys, clear the table.
289
00:12:11,641 --> 00:12:13,543
Bust. Bust. Bust.
290
00:12:14,344 --> 00:12:16,546
You sure the rookie
doesn't mind sharing?
291
00:12:16,646 --> 00:12:18,682
Maggie loves company.
292
00:12:18,782 --> 00:12:20,383
Um, Mrs. Marge,
293
00:12:20,450 --> 00:12:22,018
do‐do you think
it'd be all right
294
00:12:22,085 --> 00:12:23,687
if I stayed here for a while?
295
00:12:23,753 --> 00:12:26,590
I've never been around
a real family before.
296
00:12:26,690 --> 00:12:28,825
Of course you can.
297
00:12:28,925 --> 00:12:30,327
You sure? I'm a lot of work.
298
00:12:30,460 --> 00:12:32,762
I need 9,000 calories a day
or I'll die.
299
00:12:32,829 --> 00:12:35,532
So does my husband, silly.
300
00:13:08,531 --> 00:13:09,532
Wow!
301
00:13:09,633 --> 00:13:11,935
I've never seen such
a tiny megachurch.
302
00:13:11,968 --> 00:13:14,871
It's a normal‐sized
regular church, Grayson.
303
00:13:15,639 --> 00:13:19,009
Hey, here's a little fuel
for your private jet, Reverend.
304
00:13:19,776 --> 00:13:23,680
When did the faces
on the paper money get so big?
305
00:13:23,713 --> 00:13:26,950
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
306
00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:28,118
Wow.
307
00:13:28,218 --> 00:13:29,920
My first birthday party.
308
00:13:30,053 --> 00:13:31,988
I made you a card.
309
00:13:32,088 --> 00:13:35,091
We're all playing catch.
310
00:13:35,158 --> 00:13:36,660
You've all given me so much.
311
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,061
I have a family now.
312
00:13:38,128 --> 00:13:40,497
A family that's shown me
I don't have to be selfish
313
00:13:40,564 --> 00:13:41,531
to be a success.
314
00:13:41,631 --> 00:13:42,399
Huddle up, team.
315
00:13:42,465 --> 00:13:44,167
Feelings on three!
One, two, three!
316
00:13:44,234 --> 00:13:45,235
Feelings!
317
00:13:45,335 --> 00:13:47,103
Who wants presents?
318
00:13:47,203 --> 00:13:48,605
‐I do! I do!
‐Ooh, ooh, I do!
319
00:13:48,705 --> 00:13:49,839
‐I do! I do!
‐Merch!
320
00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:51,841
Try this on, big fella.
321
00:13:53,777 --> 00:13:55,545
Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns!
322
00:13:55,612 --> 00:13:57,113
I'm so glad you came!
323
00:13:57,180 --> 00:13:59,282
Now it's a party, huh, guys?
324
00:13:59,349 --> 00:14:00,984
Oh, I would never miss
the birthday
325
00:14:01,051 --> 00:14:02,986
of football's brashest bad boy.
326
00:14:03,053 --> 00:14:04,287
Now let's head out.
327
00:14:04,354 --> 00:14:07,224
You and I are having
a night on the town.
328
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:10,060
It's time to party
with Brandyman!
329
00:14:10,126 --> 00:14:13,396
Or Do‐You‐Man? I'm...
Can we decide on a catchphrase?
330
00:14:13,463 --> 00:14:15,498
Catchphrase TBD!
331
00:14:15,532 --> 00:14:16,766
Are you nuts?
332
00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,301
You do realize that Grayson has
333
00:14:18,368 --> 00:14:21,271
a career‐defining
football game tomorrow.
334
00:14:21,338 --> 00:14:24,474
He's gonna go to bed early
after a nice hot bath.
335
00:14:24,608 --> 00:14:27,844
You can try out
the Silly Soap I bought. Huh?
336
00:14:27,944 --> 00:14:29,045
All right!
337
00:14:29,112 --> 00:14:30,847
This man plays a game
for a living
338
00:14:30,947 --> 00:14:33,216
and you infantilize him?
339
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:37,487
Fine, but your mollycoddling
will have dire consequences.
340
00:14:37,554 --> 00:14:39,489
Mark my words.
341
00:14:39,589 --> 00:14:43,293
‐Mathers with
his fourth touchdown of the day!
‐
342
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,528
And in a never‐before‐seen move,
343
00:14:45,595 --> 00:14:48,098
the opposing defense
is resigning en masse
344
00:14:48,164 --> 00:14:50,767
to try their luck
in the Canadian Football League.
345
00:14:50,834 --> 00:14:52,235
Good luck, fellas.
346
00:14:52,335 --> 00:14:56,106
There he is! The man I never
thought was a bust for a second!
347
00:14:56,206 --> 00:14:58,108
A 53‐point win.
348
00:14:58,174 --> 00:15:00,410
Bet you can't wait to say
something really arrogant.
349
00:15:00,477 --> 00:15:02,412
Just lucky
to have great teammates,
350
00:15:02,512 --> 00:15:03,747
what a game plan,
351
00:15:03,813 --> 00:15:06,383
keep my head down and work.
352
00:15:06,483 --> 00:15:10,654
But also the greats who paved
the way in this league.
353
00:15:11,955 --> 00:15:13,924
Where's my bad boy?
354
00:15:13,990 --> 00:15:16,192
Come on, son. Be a sore winner.
355
00:15:16,259 --> 00:15:17,928
Make Daddy proud.
356
00:15:18,028 --> 00:15:20,163
Maybe you could call
the other team soft?
357
00:15:20,263 --> 00:15:22,599
I mean, it's just us reporters
here. No one will know.
358
00:15:22,699 --> 00:15:25,068
No, sir. I'm just trying
to be the kind of guy
359
00:15:25,201 --> 00:15:27,103
who makes a mother proud.
360
00:15:27,170 --> 00:15:28,872
Are you saying...
361
00:15:28,939 --> 00:15:30,473
you're a mama's boy?
362
00:15:30,574 --> 00:15:33,443
I'm the biggest mama's boy
on the planet!
363
00:15:35,045 --> 00:15:36,947
Mmm. Tastes good.
364
00:15:37,047 --> 00:15:39,616
Marge Simpson,
what have you done?
365
00:15:46,189 --> 00:15:48,191
You've ruined
our beautiful, arrogant boy!
366
00:15:48,291 --> 00:15:50,927
Ruined? He's happy now.
367
00:15:50,994 --> 00:15:52,762
What's wrong, guys?
Why are you fighting?
368
00:15:52,829 --> 00:15:55,765
Oh, this woman's got you as
twisted as a Cossack's mustache.
369
00:15:55,832 --> 00:15:59,336
What happened to the bad boy I
raised up from recent adulthood?
370
00:15:59,402 --> 00:16:01,271
Don't listen to him, Grayson.
371
00:16:01,338 --> 00:16:05,041
I'm so sorry
I ruined your spokesperson.
372
00:16:05,175 --> 00:16:06,910
He's not just my spokesperson.
373
00:16:06,977 --> 00:16:08,311
He's my spokes‐son.
374
00:16:08,378 --> 00:16:10,413
And you stole him from me.
375
00:16:10,513 --> 00:16:13,149
You're so merged
with your own selfishness,
376
00:16:13,216 --> 00:16:16,620
you don't even identify it
as selfishness anymore.
377
00:16:16,686 --> 00:16:17,787
You're a monster!
378
00:16:17,921 --> 00:16:19,356
And you're winning!
379
00:16:20,891 --> 00:16:22,993
You've got to choose, my boy.
380
00:16:23,059 --> 00:16:24,661
Me or her.
381
00:16:24,728 --> 00:16:27,864
Can't you see
you're tearing me apart?!
382
00:16:27,931 --> 00:16:30,100
I need to grind tape
of blitz protections
383
00:16:30,166 --> 00:16:32,736
against an eight‐man box!
384
00:16:47,450 --> 00:16:51,087
I haven't heard
from Grayson in days.
385
00:16:51,187 --> 00:16:54,591
Neither has the NFL Network,
ESPN or Adam Schefter.
386
00:16:54,724 --> 00:16:56,393
The football world
hangs in the balance,
387
00:16:56,459 --> 00:16:58,228
waiting for
this rookie phenom quarterback
388
00:16:58,295 --> 00:17:00,530
to choose
between his surrogate parents.
389
00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:04,601
My sources tell me that Mathers
hasn't gone back to Mr. Burns
390
00:17:04,668 --> 00:17:07,237
and that Marge has just
this second finished folding
391
00:17:07,304 --> 00:17:09,973
the sheets Grayson
may never sleep on again.
392
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,808
What sources?
393
00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:17,847
What if I never see my special
big football boy again?
394
00:17:17,881 --> 00:17:21,785
Mom, a fancy invitation
came for you.
395
00:17:21,885 --> 00:17:23,486
Grayson sent me a ticket
396
00:17:23,553 --> 00:17:26,756
for the Sports Channel's
annual awards show.
397
00:17:26,823 --> 00:17:28,892
You're going
to the Sportswardsies?
398
00:17:28,992 --> 00:17:31,094
That's the one night
when pro athletes
399
00:17:31,194 --> 00:17:33,330
finally get to thank
their agents.
400
00:17:33,396 --> 00:17:36,032
And Grayson picked me
as his plus‐one,
401
00:17:36,099 --> 00:17:37,667
not Mr. Burns.
402
00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:38,935
You won!
403
00:17:39,035 --> 00:17:40,937
Motherhood won!
404
00:17:41,037 --> 00:17:42,973
Yippee!
405
00:17:43,073 --> 00:17:44,307
‐
406
00:17:44,407 --> 00:17:46,376
LISA
All good, all good.
407
00:17:53,783 --> 00:17:54,751
‐You!
‐You!
408
00:17:54,851 --> 00:17:58,054
Wait, I'm supposed
to be sitting next to Grayson.
409
00:17:58,154 --> 00:18:01,057
So am I.
I know what's happening here.
410
00:18:01,157 --> 00:18:03,360
Obviously, our boy
sat us together thinking
411
00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:05,896
we would reach
some sort of rapprochement.
412
00:18:05,996 --> 00:18:07,964
He Parent Trapped us!
413
00:18:08,031 --> 00:18:09,165
Too bad for him‐‐
414
00:18:09,232 --> 00:18:11,401
we're never gonna
see eye to eye.
415
00:18:11,468 --> 00:18:12,502
Amen, sister.
416
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:16,139
A toast
to never‐ending animosity.
417
00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:18,608
I'll drink to that.
418
00:18:18,675 --> 00:18:20,443
Enemies forever.
419
00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:22,379
Mm. Ah.
420
00:18:23,146 --> 00:18:24,915
The Sportswardsies are starting.
421
00:18:25,015 --> 00:18:27,050
Kids, have you filled out
your betting sheets?
422
00:18:27,117 --> 00:18:29,352
Look at these categories.
423
00:18:29,452 --> 00:18:30,554
Worst Contract?
424
00:18:30,654 --> 00:18:31,788
Best World Series?
425
00:18:31,888 --> 00:18:33,790
The Donald Sterling
Appalling Owner
426
00:18:33,890 --> 00:18:35,959
Lifetime Achievement Award?
427
00:18:36,026 --> 00:18:38,161
James Dolan,
James Dolan, James Dolan.
428
00:18:38,295 --> 00:18:41,264
For me, it's all about
Best Stretcher Ride Thumbs‐Up.
429
00:18:41,331 --> 00:18:43,633
Most of all,
I'd like to thank Gordo,
430
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:46,236
who I pay six figures
to carry my trophies.
431
00:18:46,336 --> 00:18:48,772
Gordo, this is for you, buddy.
432
00:18:49,706 --> 00:18:52,342
When we come back,
the Sportswardsy
433
00:18:52,409 --> 00:18:54,544
for Most Inspiring Athlete.
434
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,047
Oh, he's looking
at the wrong camera.
435
00:18:57,113 --> 00:18:59,249
He's such a cutie.
436
00:18:59,316 --> 00:19:02,652
How could two people like us,
with all our flaws,
437
00:19:02,786 --> 00:19:04,788
make this perfect creature?
438
00:19:04,854 --> 00:19:06,590
I'm a terrible father.
439
00:19:06,656 --> 00:19:09,859
I should have raised him
to be a man, not a brand.
440
00:19:09,926 --> 00:19:12,996
Ah. Let's promise
we'll do better, Monty.
441
00:19:13,063 --> 00:19:14,464
Together.
442
00:19:14,531 --> 00:19:18,401
The winner
for Most Inspiring Athlete is...
443
00:19:18,535 --> 00:19:19,836
Grayson Mathers.
444
00:19:19,903 --> 00:19:21,304
‐♪ ♪
‐
445
00:19:22,205 --> 00:19:25,008
You all know I've had
some personal struggles lately.
446
00:19:25,075 --> 00:19:28,278
I was losing
the football game of emotions.
447
00:19:28,345 --> 00:19:31,047
But there's one person
who got me through it.
448
00:19:31,114 --> 00:19:32,549
He's talking about you.
449
00:19:32,616 --> 00:19:33,884
You're the nurturer.
450
00:19:34,017 --> 00:19:36,019
But you're his inspiration.
451
00:19:36,086 --> 00:19:37,787
It's got to be you.
452
00:19:39,890 --> 00:19:41,024
And that person is...
453
00:19:41,091 --> 00:19:44,728
‐my fiancée Kaitlyn!
‐
454
00:19:44,828 --> 00:19:47,364
The three days I've known her
have seemed like a lifetime.
455
00:19:47,430 --> 00:19:50,066
An Instagram model,
a YouTube reactor
456
00:19:50,166 --> 00:19:52,135
and the creator of Yoga Yogurt,
457
00:19:52,202 --> 00:19:54,504
the faith‐based yogurt
you eat while yoga‐ing.
458
00:19:54,604 --> 00:19:57,374
Kaitlyn is so much more
than a business manager to me.
459
00:19:57,474 --> 00:20:00,076
Though she's that, too!
As of this morning!
460
00:20:00,176 --> 00:20:02,913
Hope you can handle
total financial control, baby!
461
00:20:03,013 --> 00:20:04,214
Good news, babe!
462
00:20:04,314 --> 00:20:05,815
You're fighting Floyd Mayweather
463
00:20:05,882 --> 00:20:07,884
on a Valentine's Day
pay‐per‐view!
464
00:20:09,319 --> 00:20:11,054
She's getting me out
of the brandy business,
465
00:20:11,121 --> 00:20:13,123
into something
more wholesome,
466
00:20:13,189 --> 00:20:16,459
our new line
of all‐ages hard seltzers.
467
00:20:16,493 --> 00:20:18,295
@Katilicious _97,
468
00:20:18,361 --> 00:20:20,063
I can't wait to marry you.
469
00:20:20,163 --> 00:20:21,565
Tell me there's a prenup.
470
00:20:21,631 --> 00:20:22,599
No prenup!
471
00:20:22,666 --> 00:20:24,234
That's how I roll!
472
00:20:24,301 --> 00:20:26,369
Who wants some seltzers?
473
00:20:26,436 --> 00:20:27,370
Dime for you!
474
00:20:27,437 --> 00:20:30,040
And just like that,
we've been replaced.
475
00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:32,876
One day, they're these sweet,
innocent creatures
476
00:20:32,943 --> 00:20:34,978
who are totally reliant on you.
477
00:20:35,045 --> 00:20:37,480
Then, suddenly,
it's two weeks later
478
00:20:37,547 --> 00:20:39,649
and they're gone.
479
00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:54,297
When we return, find out
who takes home the Sportswardsy
480
00:20:54,331 --> 00:20:55,966
for Best
Press Conference Meltdown
481
00:20:56,032 --> 00:20:57,200
and Most Valuable MVP.
482
00:20:57,267 --> 00:20:59,236
Plus, Cirque du Soleil
will reimagine
483
00:20:59,302 --> 00:21:01,271
this year's Most Flagrant Fouls.
484
00:21:01,338 --> 00:21:03,540
Later, it's
Least Racist Team Name
485
00:21:03,607 --> 00:21:05,675
and Coldest Bud Light,
486
00:21:05,775 --> 00:21:06,877
brought to you by Bud Light.
487
00:21:06,943 --> 00:21:09,145
And don't miss Kenny Chesney
and his musical tribute
488
00:21:09,212 --> 00:21:12,515
to the 100 all‐time
worst‐run vanity charities.
489
00:21:12,616 --> 00:21:15,151
Then, find out which
baseball player will take home
490
00:21:15,218 --> 00:21:17,087
Highest Batting Average.
491
00:21:17,187 --> 00:21:19,155
And five living legends
battle it out
492
00:21:19,256 --> 00:21:21,458
for the Most Tone‐Deaf
Hall of Fame Speech.
493
00:21:21,558 --> 00:21:22,559
And lots more.
494
00:21:22,626 --> 00:21:26,162
All that when
the Sportswardsies continue.
495
00:21:26,229 --> 00:21:29,165
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
496
00:21:29,232 --> 00:21:32,168
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
497
00:21:32,235 --> 00:21:34,971
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
498
00:21:35,038 --> 00:21:38,441
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
499
00:22:06,436 --> 00:22:08,572
Shh!