1 00:00:02,646 --> 00:00:04,414 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:07,651 --> 00:00:09,686 (wind hissing) 3 00:00:16,693 --> 00:00:18,628 (indistinct chatter) 4 00:00:19,796 --> 00:00:22,432 Shut up! It's starting! 5 00:00:22,499 --> 00:00:24,000 The Springfield Atoms have earned 6 00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:25,101 the number‐one pick in this year's draft, 7 00:00:25,168 --> 00:00:29,272 after intentionally losing every game last season. 8 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,142 Nobody tanks like Springfield‐‐ 9 00:00:32,208 --> 00:00:34,311 City of Intentional Losers. 10 00:00:34,444 --> 00:00:36,246 (chanting): Tank! Tank! Tank! 11 00:00:36,346 --> 00:00:37,981 ‐And with the first pick ‐(crowd booing) 12 00:00:38,048 --> 00:00:41,084 of the draft, the Springfield Atoms select... 13 00:00:41,151 --> 00:00:42,919 Grayson Mathers. 14 00:00:43,019 --> 00:00:44,588 (cheering) 15 00:00:44,654 --> 00:00:45,989 All right! 16 00:00:46,056 --> 00:00:48,725 HOMER: Yeah! All right! 17 00:00:48,792 --> 00:00:50,727 (whoops) 18 00:00:50,860 --> 00:00:53,897 We have witnessed the most beautiful birth in the world‐‐ 19 00:00:53,997 --> 00:00:56,333 that of a football dynasty. 20 00:00:56,433 --> 00:01:00,470 Let's show Philadelphia what a real victory riot looks like! 21 00:01:00,537 --> 00:01:03,473 (clamoring) 22 00:01:06,643 --> 00:01:07,744 (grunts) 23 00:01:07,811 --> 00:01:10,113 (clamoring continues) 24 00:01:10,180 --> 00:01:12,549 What a needless tragedy. 25 00:01:12,616 --> 00:01:15,018 You say our corporate revenue is down? 26 00:01:15,085 --> 00:01:17,687 Well, the losses are all coming from one division‐‐ 27 00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:18,989 your liquor company. 28 00:01:19,055 --> 00:01:20,523 Sales of Mr. Gentleman Brandy 29 00:01:20,590 --> 00:01:23,326 have reached zero and are only projected to go down. 30 00:01:23,426 --> 00:01:24,294 Impossible. 31 00:01:24,361 --> 00:01:26,196 Mr. Gentleman is sipped by every trustee 32 00:01:26,263 --> 00:01:28,398 of the Narragansett Whale Oil Concern. 33 00:01:28,465 --> 00:01:30,934 Well, maybe the problem is the ad campaign. 34 00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,402 It's encouraging consuming 35 00:01:32,469 --> 00:01:34,571 as little of the liquor as possible. 36 00:01:36,172 --> 00:01:38,842 Ah. That'll hold me for quite a while. 37 00:01:38,942 --> 00:01:40,277 So, I brought in a branding expert 38 00:01:40,343 --> 00:01:42,512 to reimagine Mr. Gentleman. 39 00:01:42,612 --> 00:01:43,680 These days, 40 00:01:43,747 --> 00:01:45,916 which in the branding business is called "the present," 41 00:01:46,016 --> 00:01:48,051 the only liquor brands people care about 42 00:01:48,084 --> 00:01:50,153 are endorsed by big celebrities. 43 00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:52,188 People think, "If I buy this tequila, 44 00:01:52,289 --> 00:01:54,391 then I'm as fun as George Clooney." 45 00:01:54,457 --> 00:01:56,927 Or, "I need to be more smug and unbearable. 46 00:01:57,027 --> 00:01:59,329 (gasps) Hey, Ryan Reynolds has a gin." 47 00:01:59,396 --> 00:02:02,766 So we find the perfect celebrity to represent my brandy. 48 00:02:02,799 --> 00:02:04,034 But who? 49 00:02:04,134 --> 00:02:05,769 What about Harrison Ford? 50 00:02:05,869 --> 00:02:07,771 ‐Too Hollywood. ‐Dolly Parton? 51 00:02:07,871 --> 00:02:08,805 Too Dollywood. 52 00:02:08,905 --> 00:02:09,806 With that, we end the list 53 00:02:09,906 --> 00:02:12,142 of every celebrity who does not already have 54 00:02:12,208 --> 00:02:13,610 an existing liquor company. 55 00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:16,913 So what we need is a brand‐new celebrity, 56 00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:19,015 one adored by the common man. 57 00:02:19,082 --> 00:02:21,017 CROWD: (chanting): Grayson Mathers! 58 00:02:21,084 --> 00:02:24,454 Grayson Mathers! Grayson Mathers! 59 00:02:24,588 --> 00:02:25,956 ‐(snaps fingers) ‐REPORTER: Grayson! 60 00:02:26,056 --> 00:02:27,190 Grayson, some have dubbed you 61 00:02:27,290 --> 00:02:29,426 "The Savior of Springfield Football". 62 00:02:29,526 --> 00:02:31,828 Isn't that a lot of pressure for a rookie? 63 00:02:31,928 --> 00:02:33,096 I do me. 64 00:02:33,163 --> 00:02:35,665 If you don't like it, that's on you. 65 00:02:35,732 --> 00:02:36,633 Mm‐hmm. 66 00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:38,335 REPORTER 2: Grayson, some people are put off 67 00:02:38,435 --> 00:02:39,836 by your tell‐it‐like‐it‐is attitude. 68 00:02:39,903 --> 00:02:41,004 What do you say to them? 69 00:02:41,071 --> 00:02:42,172 I'm an open book, 70 00:02:42,305 --> 00:02:43,974 but the media and haters 71 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,976 and people who have never played the game, 72 00:02:46,042 --> 00:02:48,879 I carry myself with a certain confidence, 73 00:02:48,945 --> 00:02:51,314 and I don't apologize for your perception 74 00:02:51,381 --> 00:02:54,517 of statements I did not make, but stand by. 75 00:02:54,551 --> 00:02:56,519 Truth bomb. 76 00:02:56,620 --> 00:02:58,221 I sleep at night. 77 00:02:58,288 --> 00:02:59,856 REPORTER 2: What did you just say? 78 00:02:59,923 --> 00:03:01,625 I do me. 79 00:03:01,725 --> 00:03:02,826 (reporters clamoring) 80 00:03:02,926 --> 00:03:05,595 Man, that dude keeps it so real. 81 00:03:05,662 --> 00:03:06,963 He's all, "This is me. 82 00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:09,032 I don't apologize. What up, haters?" 83 00:03:09,065 --> 00:03:11,167 He does him. 84 00:03:11,268 --> 00:03:14,037 I wish I was half as myself as he is. 85 00:03:14,838 --> 00:03:17,908 They adore this pigskin‐tossing football thrower. 86 00:03:17,941 --> 00:03:19,643 He's brash, outspoken, 87 00:03:19,709 --> 00:03:21,545 willfully uninformed. 88 00:03:21,645 --> 00:03:23,013 He has no filter. 89 00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:25,815 In our sanitized, clickbait‐ready, 90 00:03:25,882 --> 00:03:26,950 media‐driven world, 91 00:03:27,017 --> 00:03:29,419 what people crave is authenticity. 92 00:03:29,452 --> 00:03:32,155 If you don't believe me, look at the metrics. 93 00:03:32,222 --> 00:03:33,123 Now you believe me. 94 00:03:33,189 --> 00:03:35,725 Why didn't you mention any of this before? 95 00:03:35,825 --> 00:03:38,695 I don't know. 96 00:03:38,795 --> 00:03:42,165 This bad boy must be the new face of my brandy company. 97 00:03:42,232 --> 00:03:43,967 Smithers, hire him at once. 98 00:03:44,034 --> 00:03:46,403 And get rid of this. 99 00:03:48,438 --> 00:03:49,873 But my metrics! 100 00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:51,308 (thud) 101 00:03:55,545 --> 00:03:58,381 GRAYSON: I got no problem being me. 102 00:03:58,481 --> 00:03:59,883 Opinions exist. 103 00:03:59,983 --> 00:04:01,284 Think about it. 104 00:04:01,351 --> 00:04:04,154 Do you seriously doubt I know what I'm like? 105 00:04:04,221 --> 00:04:05,989 And when it comes to brandy, 106 00:04:06,056 --> 00:04:07,624 go ahead and sip. 107 00:04:07,691 --> 00:04:08,625 Me? 108 00:04:08,692 --> 00:04:10,360 I'll chug. 109 00:04:11,494 --> 00:04:12,796 I do me. 110 00:04:12,862 --> 00:04:14,497 You do you... 111 00:04:14,564 --> 00:04:16,233 my way. 112 00:04:17,267 --> 00:04:18,768 Congratulations, my boy. 113 00:04:18,835 --> 00:04:22,439 You are the face of America's most marked‐up trash liquor. 114 00:04:22,539 --> 00:04:24,708 There's one thing that's unique about me‐‐ 115 00:04:24,808 --> 00:04:26,943 I've always admired rich people. 116 00:04:27,043 --> 00:04:29,779 And now I'm getting paid by one. 117 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,014 That's on you. 118 00:04:31,114 --> 00:04:33,316 Aw, come on, Burnsy. 119 00:04:33,383 --> 00:04:35,018 Bring it in. 120 00:04:35,118 --> 00:04:37,420 Yeah. I got you, bro. 121 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,322 ♪ ♪ 122 00:04:39,422 --> 00:04:43,493 So this is what it feels like to be brought in. 123 00:04:48,632 --> 00:04:49,432 Cheers! 124 00:04:49,532 --> 00:04:52,202 To the money that comes from business. 125 00:04:52,302 --> 00:04:55,071 To friendship hugs. 126 00:04:55,171 --> 00:04:56,940 (sighs) Well, 127 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,174 first game of the season tomorrow, 128 00:04:58,241 --> 00:04:59,376 so I'd better hit the Hay. 129 00:04:59,442 --> 00:05:01,077 That's the name of the club I'm going to. 130 00:05:01,177 --> 00:05:02,279 Then I'm gonna hit the Sack. 131 00:05:02,379 --> 00:05:04,481 That's where the after‐party is. 132 00:05:09,586 --> 00:05:11,087 There he is, kids. 133 00:05:11,154 --> 00:05:13,523 The QB who will one day take us to the Super Bowl, 134 00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:15,625 own several local car dealerships 135 00:05:15,692 --> 00:05:18,828 and host a middling Saturday Night Live. 136 00:05:18,895 --> 00:05:21,531 MARGE: Oh, look at that baby face. 137 00:05:21,565 --> 00:05:24,301 I hope there's no tackling today. 138 00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:28,338 BART: Babyface looks a little hungover, Mom. 139 00:05:28,438 --> 00:05:30,206 LISA: Geez. He's kind of got 140 00:05:30,307 --> 00:05:33,843 that "Dad asleep in his car outside Moe's" look going. 141 00:05:33,910 --> 00:05:35,712 The icy stare of a born winner? 142 00:05:35,779 --> 00:05:38,014 Yes. That one. 143 00:05:39,015 --> 00:05:42,185 And so begins a new era in Atoms football. 144 00:05:42,252 --> 00:05:44,187 The golden child's mighty arm 145 00:05:44,254 --> 00:05:47,791 shall spiral a grim warning to all who would oppose him. 146 00:05:47,891 --> 00:05:49,859 Hut, hut! Hike! 147 00:05:49,926 --> 00:05:51,094 (grunts) 148 00:05:51,161 --> 00:05:52,862 (grunting, panting) 149 00:05:52,929 --> 00:05:54,965 (groaning) 150 00:05:55,031 --> 00:05:56,666 Oh, God. 151 00:05:56,766 --> 00:05:57,968 (booing) 152 00:05:58,034 --> 00:06:00,470 ‐Get off the field! ‐Boo! ‐You suck! 153 00:06:01,771 --> 00:06:03,039 Oh, my God. 154 00:06:03,173 --> 00:06:06,676 The 22‐year‐old I bet all my happiness on 155 00:06:06,743 --> 00:06:09,112 is nothing but a bust! 156 00:06:09,179 --> 00:06:11,214 Bust! Bust! Bust! Bust! 157 00:06:11,281 --> 00:06:13,316 But you were just cheering for him. 158 00:06:13,383 --> 00:06:15,018 You've been talking about how great he is 159 00:06:15,118 --> 00:06:16,519 every day for months. 160 00:06:16,586 --> 00:06:18,188 But he's sucking. 161 00:06:18,255 --> 00:06:19,723 It's the second‐best thing he could do 162 00:06:19,856 --> 00:06:21,491 next to playing great. 163 00:06:21,591 --> 00:06:22,325 (booing) 164 00:06:22,392 --> 00:06:24,895 How dare they jeer that boy? 165 00:06:24,995 --> 00:06:27,063 He's like the arrogant, out‐of‐control son 166 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:29,633 I never sent to boarding school and forgot about. 167 00:06:29,699 --> 00:06:33,003 ANNOUNCER: And Grayson Mathers has just been benched. 168 00:06:33,069 --> 00:06:36,473 And here comes the Haterade. 169 00:06:36,573 --> 00:06:37,774 Aah! 170 00:06:37,874 --> 00:06:39,676 (booing) 171 00:06:39,776 --> 00:06:41,811 Boo an angel, why don't you? 172 00:06:41,878 --> 00:06:44,581 Thunder‐stick him! 173 00:06:44,648 --> 00:06:45,749 (grunting) 174 00:06:47,350 --> 00:06:48,485 (booing) 175 00:06:53,356 --> 00:06:56,293 There are far worse things to be buried under. 176 00:06:56,359 --> 00:07:00,196 Launch the souvenir loaded nachos! 177 00:07:08,338 --> 00:07:11,308 Ah. Nothing like a nice body‐temperature bath. 178 00:07:11,408 --> 00:07:13,076 I've never been booed before. 179 00:07:13,143 --> 00:07:15,111 Not even when I trolled the Florida State fans 180 00:07:15,178 --> 00:07:16,780 by dancing on their coach. 181 00:07:16,846 --> 00:07:19,716 Am I, like, a loser now? 182 00:07:19,783 --> 00:07:21,585 If I am a loser, 183 00:07:21,685 --> 00:07:23,587 then maybe I shouldn't be... 184 00:07:23,687 --> 00:07:24,821 doing me. 185 00:07:24,921 --> 00:07:25,822 Pish posh. 186 00:07:25,922 --> 00:07:27,657 Doing you is what you do best. 187 00:07:27,724 --> 00:07:28,892 And I'll prove it, 188 00:07:28,959 --> 00:07:31,561 by putting you in front of an adoring crowd. 189 00:07:33,230 --> 00:07:34,931 Captain Underpants here! 190 00:07:34,998 --> 00:07:36,132 Wimpy Kid! 191 00:07:36,233 --> 00:07:37,834 I got Narnia! 192 00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:39,869 Goosebumps here! 193 00:07:39,936 --> 00:07:43,640 Our guest has achieved great things in life by hard work 194 00:07:43,707 --> 00:07:45,141 and being six‐foot‐four. 195 00:07:45,208 --> 00:07:46,977 Please welcome Grayson Mathers. 196 00:07:47,077 --> 00:07:49,246 (cheering) 197 00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,816 Your principal brought me here to tell you 198 00:07:52,916 --> 00:07:54,618 that school is important. 199 00:07:54,684 --> 00:07:56,253 But I got to keep it real. 200 00:07:56,353 --> 00:07:59,422 This is the first time I've ever been in a school, 201 00:07:59,489 --> 00:08:02,826 and I own three identical Ferraris! 202 00:08:02,926 --> 00:08:04,661 That's wassup! 203 00:08:04,728 --> 00:08:06,730 (cheering) 204 00:08:07,964 --> 00:08:09,399 I have a question. 205 00:08:09,466 --> 00:08:10,667 You suck! 206 00:08:11,368 --> 00:08:14,004 You're garbage outside the pocket! 207 00:08:14,104 --> 00:08:16,239 Your average depth of target is a joke. 208 00:08:16,306 --> 00:08:17,774 (chanting): Bust! Bust! Bust! 209 00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:20,544 The children are destroying him with their hot takes! 210 00:08:20,644 --> 00:08:22,679 Bust! Bust! Bust! 211 00:08:22,812 --> 00:08:24,047 Shut up, you stupid kids! 212 00:08:24,114 --> 00:08:26,216 I'm a man! A football man! 213 00:08:26,316 --> 00:08:28,051 All I throw is dimes! 214 00:08:28,151 --> 00:08:29,286 Here's a dime for you! 215 00:08:29,352 --> 00:08:31,187 ‐A dime for you! ‐(kids exclaiming) 216 00:08:31,254 --> 00:08:32,522 Nothin' but dimes! 217 00:08:32,622 --> 00:08:33,690 Boom! Dime! 218 00:08:34,691 --> 00:08:35,926 Boom! Dime! 219 00:08:35,992 --> 00:08:37,460 ‐Oh! ‐(hissing) 220 00:08:37,527 --> 00:08:40,797 The Madagascar hissing cockroaches are loose! 221 00:08:40,897 --> 00:08:42,699 (kids screaming) 222 00:08:42,766 --> 00:08:45,468 ♪ ♪ 223 00:08:45,569 --> 00:08:46,870 (groans) 224 00:08:46,937 --> 00:08:48,705 All I drink is brandy! 225 00:08:48,805 --> 00:08:52,375 My urethra is on fire! 226 00:08:52,442 --> 00:08:54,144 (groans) 227 00:08:54,945 --> 00:08:57,480 I heard what you said about your urethra. 228 00:08:57,547 --> 00:08:59,216 Are you feeling okay? 229 00:08:59,249 --> 00:09:00,917 I'm fine. Beat it, media. 230 00:09:00,984 --> 00:09:02,252 You listen here, young man. 231 00:09:02,319 --> 00:09:04,387 Just because you're embarrassed by your own behavior 232 00:09:04,454 --> 00:09:06,356 is no reason to lash out at me. 233 00:09:06,489 --> 00:09:09,092 I'm the one person in town who feels sorry for you, 234 00:09:09,192 --> 00:09:10,860 and even I've about had it. 235 00:09:10,961 --> 00:09:12,729 Now apologize. 236 00:09:12,829 --> 00:09:13,863 I'm sorry. 237 00:09:13,930 --> 00:09:15,732 Um... ma'am. 238 00:09:15,832 --> 00:09:18,368 Good. Now, tell me what's wrong. 239 00:09:18,435 --> 00:09:19,603 I mean, it doesn't make sense. 240 00:09:19,636 --> 00:09:21,738 I can't stop partying. I barely sleep. 241 00:09:21,838 --> 00:09:23,773 I called Peyton Manning a chicken‐fried Frankenstein 242 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:24,808 on Twitter. 243 00:09:24,874 --> 00:09:26,710 I‐I'm doing me more than ever. 244 00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:28,445 So why don't I play good? 245 00:09:28,545 --> 00:09:29,479 Oh, sweetie. 246 00:09:29,579 --> 00:09:32,649 It sounds like you just need to slow down. 247 00:09:32,716 --> 00:09:34,184 (sighs) 248 00:09:34,251 --> 00:09:36,953 I actually have six identical Ferraris. 249 00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:39,689 I want to own all the blue ones. 250 00:09:39,823 --> 00:09:41,625 (crying) 251 00:09:42,392 --> 00:09:44,027 I know what's wrong with you. 252 00:09:44,094 --> 00:09:46,029 Not enough Ferraris. 253 00:09:46,096 --> 00:09:48,765 What this boy needs is a home‐cooked meal 254 00:09:48,832 --> 00:09:50,767 and a good night's sleep. 255 00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:52,068 At my house. 256 00:09:52,168 --> 00:09:54,905 A partnership betwixt a man and a woman 257 00:09:54,938 --> 00:09:57,374 to provide for the care of a young person. 258 00:09:57,474 --> 00:09:59,542 You supply the nurturing home life, 259 00:09:59,609 --> 00:10:01,444 and I'll be the emotionally‐withholding 260 00:10:01,511 --> 00:10:03,613 yet somehow worshipped father figure. 261 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,682 It's a deal. 262 00:10:05,749 --> 00:10:07,684 You're coming home with me. 263 00:10:07,784 --> 00:10:08,818 I really want to, 264 00:10:08,919 --> 00:10:09,986 but I'm kind of supposed to get into it 265 00:10:10,053 --> 00:10:12,556 with some hockey players outside a strip club later. 266 00:10:12,622 --> 00:10:15,492 I'll call them and tell them you're sick. 267 00:10:17,761 --> 00:10:20,063 Yo. Two parents and some kids? 268 00:10:20,130 --> 00:10:22,365 This is a straight‐up family. 269 00:10:22,399 --> 00:10:23,567 For real. 270 00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:25,535 I guess we are. 271 00:10:25,635 --> 00:10:28,972 So, Grayson, you just graduated from college, right? 272 00:10:29,039 --> 00:10:30,707 What did you major in? 273 00:10:30,774 --> 00:10:32,075 Oh, they never told me. 274 00:10:32,142 --> 00:10:34,945 (sighs) That means communications. 275 00:10:35,045 --> 00:10:37,581 You see, I grew up on the Florida‐Texas border, 276 00:10:37,681 --> 00:10:39,416 where football is king. 277 00:10:39,482 --> 00:10:42,252 One day, I saw this other baby crawling a post pattern, 278 00:10:42,352 --> 00:10:43,920 and I hit him with my pacifier. 279 00:10:43,987 --> 00:10:46,289 Perfect spiral. 20 yards. 280 00:10:46,356 --> 00:10:48,592 My folks did what any loving parents would do‐‐ 281 00:10:48,658 --> 00:10:50,860 they packed me off to football academy. 282 00:10:50,927 --> 00:10:52,362 I'm real grateful. 283 00:10:52,429 --> 00:10:54,698 If you keep a kid at home till he's two, 284 00:10:54,798 --> 00:10:56,533 it can screw up his development. 285 00:10:57,334 --> 00:10:59,035 Growing up in an all‐football environment 286 00:10:59,069 --> 00:11:02,372 helped me avoid the distractions that come with being a kid‐‐ 287 00:11:02,472 --> 00:11:05,008 friends, laughing, that junk. 288 00:11:05,108 --> 00:11:08,044 For college, Alabama Tech was an easy choice. 289 00:11:08,078 --> 00:11:10,013 Coach is an amazing recruiter. 290 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,948 You really feel his passion. 291 00:11:11,982 --> 00:11:15,085 Wait, so you never see your parents? 292 00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:16,953 Oh, I see them all the time! 293 00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:17,954 I see them at games, 294 00:11:18,054 --> 00:11:19,489 in documentaries about me, 295 00:11:19,556 --> 00:11:20,790 in the Campbell's Soup commercial 296 00:11:20,824 --> 00:11:22,993 my mom did without my knowledge. 297 00:11:23,059 --> 00:11:24,494 Oh, Grayson, 298 00:11:24,561 --> 00:11:26,496 growing up with nothing but football 299 00:11:26,563 --> 00:11:28,231 can't have been healthy. 300 00:11:28,298 --> 00:11:30,467 (chuckles) No, no, I'm good. 301 00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,269 Gimme that back! 302 00:11:32,369 --> 00:11:34,004 Starters eat before scrubs! 303 00:11:34,104 --> 00:11:35,872 Everybody knows that! 304 00:11:35,972 --> 00:11:38,675 (grunting) 305 00:11:38,742 --> 00:11:39,643 (yells) 306 00:11:39,709 --> 00:11:41,344 (panting) 307 00:11:42,712 --> 00:11:45,982 You know, I'm beginning to see the appeal of football. 308 00:11:46,082 --> 00:11:47,951 (chuckles) Hit him again! 309 00:11:48,051 --> 00:11:49,653 Kids, behave! 310 00:11:51,821 --> 00:11:54,724 In a family, we do not steal food. 311 00:11:54,824 --> 00:11:56,026 ‐But... ‐No buts. 312 00:11:56,092 --> 00:11:57,661 Just because there aren't coaches and minders 313 00:11:57,727 --> 00:12:01,231 watching your every move doesn't mean you can act selfishly. 314 00:12:01,331 --> 00:12:04,434 In a family, you don't do you. 315 00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:05,535 You do... 316 00:12:05,602 --> 00:12:06,570 others? 317 00:12:06,670 --> 00:12:08,038 And don't you forget it. 318 00:12:08,138 --> 00:12:10,440 Now, boys, clear the table. 319 00:12:11,641 --> 00:12:13,543 Bust. Bust. Bust. 320 00:12:14,344 --> 00:12:16,546 You sure the rookie doesn't mind sharing? 321 00:12:16,646 --> 00:12:18,682 Maggie loves company. 322 00:12:18,782 --> 00:12:20,383 Um, Mrs. Marge, 323 00:12:20,450 --> 00:12:22,018 do‐do you think it'd be all right 324 00:12:22,085 --> 00:12:23,687 if I stayed here for a while? 325 00:12:23,753 --> 00:12:26,590 I've never been around a real family before. 326 00:12:26,690 --> 00:12:28,825 Of course you can. 327 00:12:28,925 --> 00:12:30,327 You sure? I'm a lot of work. 328 00:12:30,460 --> 00:12:32,762 I need 9,000 calories a day or I'll die. 329 00:12:32,829 --> 00:12:35,532 So does my husband, silly. 330 00:12:44,274 --> 00:12:46,343 ♪ ♪ 331 00:13:08,531 --> 00:13:09,532 Wow! 332 00:13:09,633 --> 00:13:11,935 I've never seen such a tiny megachurch. 333 00:13:11,968 --> 00:13:14,871 It's a normal‐sized regular church, Grayson. 334 00:13:15,639 --> 00:13:19,009 Hey, here's a little fuel for your private jet, Reverend. 335 00:13:19,776 --> 00:13:23,680 When did the faces on the paper money get so big? 336 00:13:23,713 --> 00:13:26,950 ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪ 337 00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:28,118 (chuckles) Wow. 338 00:13:28,218 --> 00:13:29,920 My first birthday party. 339 00:13:30,053 --> 00:13:31,988 I made you a card. 340 00:13:32,088 --> 00:13:35,091 HOMER: We're all playing catch. 341 00:13:35,158 --> 00:13:36,660 You've all given me so much. 342 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,061 I have a family now. 343 00:13:38,128 --> 00:13:40,497 A family that's shown me I don't have to be selfish 344 00:13:40,564 --> 00:13:41,531 to be a success. 345 00:13:41,631 --> 00:13:42,399 Huddle up, team. 346 00:13:42,465 --> 00:13:44,167 Feelings on three! One, two, three! 347 00:13:44,234 --> 00:13:45,235 ALL: Feelings! 348 00:13:45,335 --> 00:13:47,103 (singsongy): Who wants presents? 349 00:13:47,203 --> 00:13:48,605 ‐I do! I do! ‐GRAYSON: Ooh, ooh, I do! 350 00:13:48,705 --> 00:13:49,839 ‐I do! I do! ‐Merch! 351 00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:51,841 (chuckles) Try this on, big fella. 352 00:13:51,908 --> 00:13:53,710 (slurping) 353 00:13:53,777 --> 00:13:55,545 Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns! 354 00:13:55,612 --> 00:13:57,113 I'm so glad you came! 355 00:13:57,180 --> 00:13:59,282 Now it's a party, huh, guys? 356 00:13:59,349 --> 00:14:00,984 Oh, I would never miss the birthday 357 00:14:01,051 --> 00:14:02,986 of football's brashest bad boy. 358 00:14:03,053 --> 00:14:04,287 Now let's head out. 359 00:14:04,354 --> 00:14:07,224 You and I are having a night on the town. 360 00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:10,060 It's time to party with Brandyman! 361 00:14:10,126 --> 00:14:13,396 Or Do‐You‐Man? I'm... Can we decide on a catchphrase? 362 00:14:13,463 --> 00:14:15,498 Catchphrase TBD! 363 00:14:15,532 --> 00:14:16,766 Are you nuts? 364 00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,301 You do realize that Grayson has 365 00:14:18,368 --> 00:14:21,271 a career‐defining football game tomorrow. 366 00:14:21,338 --> 00:14:24,474 He's gonna go to bed early after a nice hot bath. 367 00:14:24,608 --> 00:14:27,844 You can try out the Silly Soap I bought. Huh? 368 00:14:27,944 --> 00:14:29,045 All right! 369 00:14:29,112 --> 00:14:30,847 This man plays a game for a living 370 00:14:30,947 --> 00:14:33,216 and you infantilize him? 371 00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:37,487 Fine, but your mollycoddling will have dire consequences. 372 00:14:37,554 --> 00:14:39,489 Mark my words. 373 00:14:39,589 --> 00:14:43,293 ‐ANNOUNCER: Mathers with his fourth touchdown of the day! ‐(cheering) 374 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,528 And in a never‐before‐seen move, 375 00:14:45,595 --> 00:14:48,098 the opposing defense is resigning en masse 376 00:14:48,164 --> 00:14:50,767 to try their luck in the Canadian Football League. 377 00:14:50,834 --> 00:14:52,235 Good luck, fellas. 378 00:14:52,335 --> 00:14:56,106 There he is! The man I never thought was a bust for a second! 379 00:14:56,206 --> 00:14:58,108 A 53‐point win. 380 00:14:58,174 --> 00:15:00,410 Bet you can't wait to say something really arrogant. 381 00:15:00,477 --> 00:15:02,412 Just lucky to have great teammates, 382 00:15:02,512 --> 00:15:03,747 what a game plan, 383 00:15:03,813 --> 00:15:06,383 keep my head down and work. 384 00:15:06,483 --> 00:15:10,654 But also the greats who paved the way in this league. 385 00:15:11,955 --> 00:15:13,924 Where's my bad boy? 386 00:15:13,990 --> 00:15:16,192 Come on, son. Be a sore winner. 387 00:15:16,259 --> 00:15:17,928 Make Daddy proud. 388 00:15:18,028 --> 00:15:20,163 Maybe you could call the other team soft? 389 00:15:20,263 --> 00:15:22,599 I mean, it's just us reporters here. No one will know. 390 00:15:22,699 --> 00:15:25,068 No, sir. I'm just trying to be the kind of guy 391 00:15:25,201 --> 00:15:27,103 who makes a mother proud. 392 00:15:27,170 --> 00:15:28,872 Are you saying... 393 00:15:28,939 --> 00:15:30,473 you're a mama's boy? 394 00:15:30,574 --> 00:15:33,443 I'm the biggest mama's boy on the planet! 395 00:15:35,045 --> 00:15:36,947 Mmm. Tastes good. 396 00:15:37,047 --> 00:15:39,616 Marge Simpson, what have you done? 397 00:15:46,189 --> 00:15:48,191 You've ruined our beautiful, arrogant boy! 398 00:15:48,291 --> 00:15:50,927 Ruined? He's happy now. 399 00:15:50,994 --> 00:15:52,762 What's wrong, guys? Why are you fighting? 400 00:15:52,829 --> 00:15:55,765 Oh, this woman's got you as twisted as a Cossack's mustache. 401 00:15:55,832 --> 00:15:59,336 What happened to the bad boy I raised up from recent adulthood? 402 00:15:59,402 --> 00:16:01,271 Don't listen to him, Grayson. 403 00:16:01,338 --> 00:16:05,041 I'm so sorry I ruined your spokesperson. 404 00:16:05,175 --> 00:16:06,910 He's not just my spokesperson. 405 00:16:06,977 --> 00:16:08,311 He's my spokes‐son. 406 00:16:08,378 --> 00:16:10,413 And you stole him from me. 407 00:16:10,513 --> 00:16:13,149 You're so merged with your own selfishness, 408 00:16:13,216 --> 00:16:16,620 you don't even identify it as selfishness anymore. 409 00:16:16,686 --> 00:16:17,787 You're a monster! 410 00:16:17,921 --> 00:16:19,356 And you're winning! 411 00:16:19,422 --> 00:16:20,757 (grunts) 412 00:16:20,891 --> 00:16:22,993 You've got to choose, my boy. 413 00:16:23,059 --> 00:16:24,661 Me or her. 414 00:16:24,728 --> 00:16:27,864 Can't you see you're tearing me apart?! (sobs) 415 00:16:27,931 --> 00:16:30,100 I need to grind tape of blitz protections 416 00:16:30,166 --> 00:16:32,736 against an eight‐man box! 417 00:16:32,802 --> 00:16:35,739 (crying) 418 00:16:47,450 --> 00:16:51,087 (sighs) I haven't heard from Grayson in days. 419 00:16:51,187 --> 00:16:54,591 Neither has the NFL Network, ESPN or Adam Schefter. 420 00:16:54,724 --> 00:16:56,393 The football world hangs in the balance, 421 00:16:56,459 --> 00:16:58,228 waiting for this rookie phenom quarterback 422 00:16:58,295 --> 00:17:00,530 to choose between his surrogate parents. 423 00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:04,601 My sources tell me that Mathers hasn't gone back to Mr. Burns 424 00:17:04,668 --> 00:17:07,237 and that Marge has just this second finished folding 425 00:17:07,304 --> 00:17:09,973 the sheets Grayson may never sleep on again. 426 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,808 What sources? 427 00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:17,847 What if I never see my special big football boy again? 428 00:17:17,881 --> 00:17:21,785 Mom, a fancy invitation came for you. 429 00:17:21,885 --> 00:17:23,486 (gasps) Grayson sent me a ticket 430 00:17:23,553 --> 00:17:26,756 for the Sports Channel's annual awards show. 431 00:17:26,823 --> 00:17:28,892 You're going to the Sportswardsies? 432 00:17:28,992 --> 00:17:31,094 That's the one night when pro athletes 433 00:17:31,194 --> 00:17:33,330 finally get to thank their agents. 434 00:17:33,396 --> 00:17:36,032 And Grayson picked me as his plus‐one, 435 00:17:36,099 --> 00:17:37,667 not Mr. Burns. 436 00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:38,935 You won! 437 00:17:39,035 --> 00:17:40,937 Motherhood won! 438 00:17:41,037 --> 00:17:42,973 Yippee! 439 00:17:43,073 --> 00:17:44,307 ‐(wheezes) ‐(gasps) 440 00:17:44,407 --> 00:17:46,376 LISA (wheezing): All good, all good. 441 00:17:46,476 --> 00:17:49,079 ♪ ♪ 442 00:17:53,783 --> 00:17:54,751 ‐You! ‐You! 443 00:17:54,851 --> 00:17:58,054 Wait, I'm supposed to be sitting next to Grayson. 444 00:17:58,154 --> 00:18:01,057 So am I. (scoffs) I know what's happening here. 445 00:18:01,157 --> 00:18:03,360 Obviously, our boy sat us together thinking 446 00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:05,896 we would reach some sort of rapprochement. 447 00:18:05,996 --> 00:18:07,964 He Parent Trapped us! 448 00:18:08,031 --> 00:18:09,165 Too bad for him‐‐ 449 00:18:09,232 --> 00:18:11,401 we're never gonna see eye to eye. 450 00:18:11,468 --> 00:18:12,502 Amen, sister. 451 00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:16,139 A toast to never‐ending animosity. 452 00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:18,608 I'll drink to that. 453 00:18:18,675 --> 00:18:20,443 Enemies forever. 454 00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:22,379 Mm. Ah. 455 00:18:23,146 --> 00:18:24,915 The Sportswardsies are starting. 456 00:18:25,015 --> 00:18:27,050 Kids, have you filled out your betting sheets? 457 00:18:27,117 --> 00:18:29,352 Look at these categories. 458 00:18:29,452 --> 00:18:30,554 Worst Contract? 459 00:18:30,654 --> 00:18:31,788 Best World Series? 460 00:18:31,888 --> 00:18:33,790 The Donald Sterling Appalling Owner 461 00:18:33,890 --> 00:18:35,959 Lifetime Achievement Award? 462 00:18:36,026 --> 00:18:38,161 James Dolan, James Dolan, James Dolan. 463 00:18:38,295 --> 00:18:41,264 For me, it's all about Best Stretcher Ride Thumbs‐Up. 464 00:18:41,331 --> 00:18:43,633 Most of all, I'd like to thank Gordo, 465 00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:46,236 who I pay six figures to carry my trophies. 466 00:18:46,336 --> 00:18:48,772 Gordo, this is for you, buddy. 467 00:18:49,706 --> 00:18:52,342 ANNOUNCER: When we come back, the Sportswardsy 468 00:18:52,409 --> 00:18:54,544 for Most Inspiring Athlete. 469 00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,047 MARGE: Oh, he's looking at the wrong camera. 470 00:18:57,113 --> 00:18:59,249 He's such a cutie. 471 00:18:59,316 --> 00:19:02,652 How could two people like us, with all our flaws, 472 00:19:02,786 --> 00:19:04,788 make this perfect creature? 473 00:19:04,854 --> 00:19:06,590 (sighs) I'm a terrible father. 474 00:19:06,656 --> 00:19:09,859 I should have raised him to be a man, not a brand. 475 00:19:09,926 --> 00:19:12,996 Ah. Let's promise we'll do better, Monty. 476 00:19:13,063 --> 00:19:14,464 Together. 477 00:19:14,531 --> 00:19:18,401 The winner for Most Inspiring Athlete is... 478 00:19:18,535 --> 00:19:19,836 Grayson Mathers. 479 00:19:19,903 --> 00:19:21,304 ‐♪ ♪ ‐(cheering, applause) 480 00:19:22,205 --> 00:19:25,008 You all know I've had some personal struggles lately. 481 00:19:25,075 --> 00:19:28,278 I was losing the football game of emotions. 482 00:19:28,345 --> 00:19:31,047 But there's one person who got me through it. 483 00:19:31,114 --> 00:19:32,549 He's talking about you. 484 00:19:32,616 --> 00:19:33,884 You're the nurturer. 485 00:19:34,017 --> 00:19:36,019 But you're his inspiration. 486 00:19:36,086 --> 00:19:37,787 It's got to be you. 487 00:19:38,755 --> 00:19:39,756 (groans) 488 00:19:39,890 --> 00:19:41,024 And that person is... 489 00:19:41,091 --> 00:19:44,728 ‐my fiancée Kaitlyn! ‐(all gasp) 490 00:19:44,828 --> 00:19:47,364 The three days I've known her have seemed like a lifetime. 491 00:19:47,430 --> 00:19:50,066 An Instagram model, a YouTube reactor 492 00:19:50,166 --> 00:19:52,135 and the creator of Yoga Yogurt, 493 00:19:52,202 --> 00:19:54,504 the faith‐based yogurt you eat while yoga‐ing. 494 00:19:54,604 --> 00:19:57,374 Kaitlyn is so much more than a business manager to me. 495 00:19:57,474 --> 00:20:00,076 Though she's that, too! As of this morning! 496 00:20:00,176 --> 00:20:02,913 Hope you can handle total financial control, baby! 497 00:20:03,013 --> 00:20:04,214 Good news, babe! 498 00:20:04,314 --> 00:20:05,815 You're fighting Floyd Mayweather 499 00:20:05,882 --> 00:20:07,884 on a Valentine's Day pay‐per‐view! 500 00:20:07,951 --> 00:20:09,252 (whoops) 501 00:20:09,319 --> 00:20:11,054 She's getting me out of the brandy business, 502 00:20:11,121 --> 00:20:13,123 into something more wholesome, y'all: 503 00:20:13,189 --> 00:20:16,459 our new line of all‐ages hard seltzers. 504 00:20:16,493 --> 00:20:18,295 @Katilicious _97, 505 00:20:18,361 --> 00:20:20,063 I can't wait to marry you. 506 00:20:20,163 --> 00:20:21,565 Tell me there's a prenup. 507 00:20:21,631 --> 00:20:22,599 No prenup! 508 00:20:22,666 --> 00:20:24,234 That's how I roll! 509 00:20:24,301 --> 00:20:26,369 Who wants some seltzers? 510 00:20:26,436 --> 00:20:27,370 Dime for you! 511 00:20:27,437 --> 00:20:30,040 And just like that, we've been replaced. 512 00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:32,876 One day, they're these sweet, innocent creatures 513 00:20:32,943 --> 00:20:34,978 who are totally reliant on you. 514 00:20:35,045 --> 00:20:37,480 Then, suddenly, it's two weeks later 515 00:20:37,547 --> 00:20:39,649 and they're gone. 516 00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:54,297 ANNOUNCER: When we return, find out who takes home the Sportswardsy 517 00:20:54,331 --> 00:20:55,966 for Best Press Conference Meltdown 518 00:20:56,032 --> 00:20:57,200 and Most Valuable MVP. 519 00:20:57,267 --> 00:20:59,236 Plus, Cirque du Soleil will reimagine 520 00:20:59,302 --> 00:21:01,271 this year's Most Flagrant Fouls. 521 00:21:01,338 --> 00:21:03,540 Later, it's Least Racist Team Name 522 00:21:03,607 --> 00:21:05,675 and Coldest Bud Light, 523 00:21:05,775 --> 00:21:06,877 brought to you by Bud Light. 524 00:21:06,943 --> 00:21:09,145 And don't miss Kenny Chesney and his musical tribute 525 00:21:09,212 --> 00:21:12,515 to the 100 all‐time worst‐run vanity charities. 526 00:21:12,616 --> 00:21:15,151 Then, find out which baseball player will take home 527 00:21:15,218 --> 00:21:17,087 Highest Batting Average. 528 00:21:17,187 --> 00:21:19,155 And five living legends battle it out 529 00:21:19,256 --> 00:21:21,458 for the Most Tone‐Deaf Hall of Fame Speech. 530 00:21:21,558 --> 00:21:22,559 And lots more. 531 00:21:22,626 --> 00:21:26,162 All that when the Sportswardsies continue. 532 00:21:26,229 --> 00:21:29,165 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 533 00:21:29,232 --> 00:21:32,168 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 534 00:21:32,235 --> 00:21:34,971 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 535 00:21:35,038 --> 00:21:38,441 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 536 00:22:06,436 --> 00:22:08,572 Shh!