1 00:00:00,208 --> 00:00:01,542 (theme music playing) 2 00:00:01,625 --> 00:00:03,583 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 3 00:00:03,667 --> 00:00:05,333 I got a few days left! 4 00:00:09,125 --> 00:00:10,750 (exclaims) 5 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,875 (school bell rings) 6 00:00:20,041 --> 00:00:21,041 (burps) 7 00:00:22,125 --> 00:00:23,125 (whistle blows) 8 00:00:23,208 --> 00:00:24,750 (yells) 9 00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:30,375 (beeping) 10 00:00:34,917 --> 00:00:37,875 (playing lively jazz music) 11 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:43,792 (tires screech) 12 00:00:45,834 --> 00:00:46,917 D'oh! 13 00:00:48,417 --> 00:00:49,417 (grunts) 14 00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:55,083 (train whistle blowing) 15 00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:00,750 Haw-haw! 16 00:01:15,750 --> 00:01:17,125 Hey, little lady. 17 00:01:17,208 --> 00:01:19,792 You'd be a lot prettier if you smiled. 18 00:01:19,875 --> 00:01:21,458 What? Who are you? 19 00:01:21,542 --> 00:01:24,333 I'm a man. So I know what I'm talking about. 20 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:26,959 Smile and you'll be a lot more popular. 21 00:01:27,041 --> 00:01:30,375 Are you serious? You know I'll remember this forever, right? 22 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,792 Well, that's what therapy's for. 23 00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:36,458 And he told me I wouldn't be pretty unless I smiled. 24 00:01:36,542 --> 00:01:38,875 Sweetie, you are very pretty. 25 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:41,125 And thanks to the puberty app on my phone, 26 00:01:41,208 --> 00:01:42,834 we can see what lies ahead. 27 00:01:50,125 --> 00:01:52,750 (buzzer sounding) 28 00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:54,542 Wait. This can't be real. 29 00:01:54,625 --> 00:01:56,333 I already had braces. 30 00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:59,875 Oh. Well, I-- I'm afraid you have to get them again. 31 00:01:59,959 --> 00:02:01,959 The man we thought was your orthodontist 32 00:02:02,041 --> 00:02:05,333 was actually a rogue periodontist. 33 00:02:06,375 --> 00:02:08,375 (scoffs) Rogue periodontist. 34 00:02:08,458 --> 00:02:10,709 This family cheaps out on everything. 35 00:02:10,792 --> 00:02:13,500 Homer took me to a "psychiatrist." 36 00:02:13,583 --> 00:02:17,208 After three sessions, I figured out it was a goat with glasses. 37 00:02:17,291 --> 00:02:19,291 Never went (bleats) back. 38 00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:21,041 (clanging) 39 00:02:21,125 --> 00:02:23,083 (quietly) Braces? Again? 40 00:02:23,166 --> 00:02:26,750 Why am I the only one in this family who needs braces? 41 00:02:27,709 --> 00:02:29,250 (mouthpiece creaking) 42 00:02:29,333 --> 00:02:31,250 (playing lively jazz) 43 00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:34,041 -(laughs) -Don't look so smug, boy. 44 00:02:34,125 --> 00:02:35,709 Let's try this app on you. 45 00:02:37,166 --> 00:02:39,834 Hello, Aaron Eckhart. (purrs) 46 00:02:39,917 --> 00:02:42,417 Whoa-ho! Puberty! 47 00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:43,667 Let's see what comes next. 48 00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:45,875 Cool. 49 00:02:45,959 --> 00:02:48,959 Homie, look. We got this in the mail today. 50 00:02:49,041 --> 00:02:50,166 HOMER: Aw, what is it? 51 00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:53,291 Did I get drunk and buy useless stuff on eBay again? 52 00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:55,250 Let's get more. 53 00:02:57,041 --> 00:02:58,583 Hello, Simpsons. 54 00:02:58,667 --> 00:03:00,542 It's me, Artie Ziff, 55 00:03:00,625 --> 00:03:03,375 in prerecorded form. 56 00:03:03,458 --> 00:03:05,250 So you can't talk to me. 57 00:03:05,333 --> 00:03:07,709 -I can't? -No, you can't. 58 00:03:07,792 --> 00:03:10,000 (quietly) Pause for laughs. 59 00:03:10,083 --> 00:03:11,291 And thank you. 60 00:03:11,375 --> 00:03:14,625 Artie Ziff? Isn't that the rich guy who could have been our dad? 61 00:03:14,709 --> 00:03:17,500 I am the only man your mother has ever been with, 62 00:03:17,583 --> 00:03:19,750 and she doesn't have a single regret. 63 00:03:19,834 --> 00:03:22,125 -Well... -You stay out of this, Marge. 64 00:03:22,208 --> 00:03:24,959 Great news: I'm getting married, and you're invited. 65 00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:28,208 -HOMER: (groans) Oh. -Why, you ask, am I getting married? 66 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:31,166 I've found my soulmate. 67 00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:33,583 -Jealous? -(easy listening music plays) 68 00:03:33,667 --> 00:03:35,625 April 12, very rich man's wedding. 69 00:03:35,709 --> 00:03:36,959 Regrets only. 70 00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:38,250 Chicken or fish. 71 00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:39,834 Or vegan. 72 00:03:39,917 --> 00:03:41,250 Bye! 73 00:03:41,333 --> 00:03:42,625 So, what else is in the mail? 74 00:03:42,709 --> 00:03:45,375 We got a flyer from Lowe's! 75 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:47,792 (gasps) Three-quarter plywood. 76 00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:50,000 $20 a sheet. 77 00:03:50,083 --> 00:03:51,458 I'm a-comin'! 78 00:03:51,542 --> 00:03:53,875 Oh, I don't have a car. 79 00:03:53,959 --> 00:03:56,291 You're not really thinking of going, are you? 80 00:03:56,375 --> 00:03:58,375 That jerk kept trying to break us up. 81 00:03:58,458 --> 00:04:01,333 Now, I am sensing conflicted feelings. 82 00:04:01,417 --> 00:04:05,375 If you come, I promise you a wonderful time. 83 00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:07,166 -Champagne, caviar... -(fanfare playing) 84 00:04:07,250 --> 00:04:10,000 ...deep-fried ice sculptures, a guy who guesses your weight, 85 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,166 who always guesses low! 86 00:04:12,250 --> 00:04:13,417 (easy listening music plays) 87 00:04:14,458 --> 00:04:15,500 Thank you. 88 00:04:15,583 --> 00:04:18,500 And now, to celebrate, here's Tupac Shakur. 89 00:04:18,583 --> 00:04:20,083 ♪ Don't be tardy ♪ 90 00:04:20,166 --> 00:04:22,542 ♪ My boy Artie is throwing a party ♪ 91 00:04:22,625 --> 00:04:24,542 ♪ This wedding's gonna be fly ♪ 92 00:04:24,625 --> 00:04:27,208 ♪ Why won't you people let me die? ♪ 93 00:04:27,291 --> 00:04:28,792 How do you turn this off? 94 00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:31,041 There's no off to the Artie show. 95 00:04:31,125 --> 00:04:33,875 -I decide when... -Please set me free. 96 00:04:33,959 --> 00:04:34,959 Oh, here it is. 97 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:36,875 TUPAC: God bless you. 98 00:04:39,291 --> 00:04:40,667 (humming a tune) 99 00:04:43,041 --> 00:04:46,125 Now everyone's favorite, rinse and spit. 100 00:04:46,208 --> 00:04:47,500 (gargles) 101 00:04:47,583 --> 00:04:50,667 And I'm done... with the top braces. 102 00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:52,291 We'll put the bottoms in next week. 103 00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:55,709 And after that, just a lifetime of wearing retainers. 104 00:04:55,792 --> 00:04:57,500 Well, they're practically invisible. 105 00:04:57,583 --> 00:04:59,917 (slurred) I can't close my mouth. 106 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,208 The brackets are holding up your lips at the edges. 107 00:05:02,291 --> 00:05:04,834 They'll adjust. The main thing is you're happy. 108 00:05:04,917 --> 00:05:06,500 I'm not happy. 109 00:05:06,583 --> 00:05:08,500 -Have a little nitrous. -(gas whooshes) 110 00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:09,667 (giggles) 111 00:05:09,750 --> 00:05:13,208 Oh, they should revoke your license. Ha! 112 00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:14,208 More, please. 113 00:05:14,291 --> 00:05:16,208 -That's enough. -No, it's not! 114 00:05:16,291 --> 00:05:17,792 -(gas whooshes) -Yeah, give me that. 115 00:05:17,875 --> 00:05:20,375 I thought your name is "Kidzrule." 116 00:05:20,458 --> 00:05:22,667 Shortened from "Kidzrulovitch," 117 00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:25,583 which is Romanian for, "kill all the children." 118 00:05:25,667 --> 00:05:28,000 (mellow jazz music playing) 119 00:05:28,375 --> 00:05:31,875 (creaking) 120 00:05:31,959 --> 00:05:33,000 (bell dings) 121 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,583 (lively chatter) 122 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:35,792 HOMER: Hmm. 123 00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:38,709 That elevator has the capacity for 32 people. 124 00:05:38,792 --> 00:05:41,417 (sighs) We brought a rhino up here last week. 125 00:05:41,792 --> 00:05:43,291 HOMER: Hmm. 126 00:05:43,375 --> 00:05:45,166 -Hmm. -(calf moos) 127 00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:48,250 -Hmm! -My headaches are so bad. 128 00:05:49,291 --> 00:05:51,959 ("Flower Duet" playing) 129 00:05:54,917 --> 00:05:56,417 ARTIE: Jealous? 130 00:05:59,917 --> 00:06:01,000 Feet. 131 00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:02,709 You're one in a million. 132 00:06:02,792 --> 00:06:04,709 Literally. Don't fall off the roof. 133 00:06:04,792 --> 00:06:06,375 Homer Simpson. 134 00:06:06,458 --> 00:06:09,041 The man who beat me to planet Marge. 135 00:06:09,125 --> 00:06:11,250 You've done all right for a billionaire. 136 00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:13,125 Hey, I'm not made of money. 137 00:06:13,208 --> 00:06:14,709 Although, actually I am. 138 00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:16,667 After my parole, I got rich 139 00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:19,291 selling fireplace logs that look like cash, 140 00:06:19,375 --> 00:06:21,583 i.e., Money to Burn. 141 00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:24,083 (chuckles) That is the greatest. 142 00:06:24,166 --> 00:06:25,583 It says "Money to Burn." 143 00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:27,583 It looks like you're burning money. 144 00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:30,583 -Yes, that's the idea. -(laughing) No, no, no. 145 00:06:30,667 --> 00:06:32,667 It's so funny. Don't you get it? 146 00:06:32,750 --> 00:06:34,500 Of course get it. I thought of it. 147 00:06:34,583 --> 00:06:37,500 No, no, no. Listen, it says "Money to Burn," 148 00:06:37,583 --> 00:06:39,458 but it's actually... (laughing) 149 00:06:39,542 --> 00:06:42,125 I know! I know! Talk to someone else. 150 00:06:42,208 --> 00:06:44,750 Hey, pal, you're a news guy. Give it to me straight. 151 00:06:44,834 --> 00:06:46,458 Is this wedding on the level? 152 00:06:46,542 --> 00:06:48,583 Here's the scoop. It's legit. 153 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:52,083 In other news, local newsman hopes to score with caterer. 154 00:06:53,166 --> 00:06:55,166 This just in, she knows I'm married. 155 00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:57,208 Coming up at 11:00, nothing. 156 00:06:57,291 --> 00:07:01,166 Now, Homer, as this is a bachelor party, I want to show you something. 157 00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:03,625 But, uh, no word to the wives. 158 00:07:03,709 --> 00:07:05,792 How did you meet your wife, by the way? 159 00:07:05,875 --> 00:07:08,917 Usual, boy meets girl, girl meets bank account. 160 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,792 Now, shut your eyes. 161 00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:13,625 You've never seen a body this enticing. 162 00:07:13,709 --> 00:07:16,166 (gasps) Exactly what I imagined! 163 00:07:16,250 --> 00:07:17,959 (grunts, chews noisily) 164 00:07:18,333 --> 00:07:20,250 -Food coma. He'll be fine. -(monitor beeping steadily) 165 00:07:20,792 --> 00:07:21,917 Huh? 166 00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:23,834 Hmm. 167 00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:27,083 -(flatlining beep) -(groans) 168 00:07:28,125 --> 00:07:30,000 BOTH: Hey, girlfriend! 169 00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:31,875 Uh, who, me? 170 00:07:31,959 --> 00:07:34,834 Lisa, did you get your eyebrows waxed? 171 00:07:34,917 --> 00:07:36,667 You look amazing! 172 00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:38,333 I don't have eyebrows. 173 00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:40,917 Well, check out these twin caterpillars. 174 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,417 Huh? Huh? 175 00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:43,625 What's going on? 176 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,333 Her smile makes me feel full, 177 00:07:46,417 --> 00:07:48,542 like I actually ate dinner last night. 178 00:07:48,625 --> 00:07:51,333 If you never eat, how come you're so fat? 179 00:07:51,417 --> 00:07:52,542 -(grunts) -Ow! 180 00:07:52,625 --> 00:07:54,834 Americans can be fat and poor. 181 00:07:54,917 --> 00:07:56,750 That's what makes us so great. 182 00:07:57,125 --> 00:08:00,125 And so, after saving Wilbur, 183 00:08:00,208 --> 00:08:02,291 Charlotte crawled off to die, 184 00:08:02,375 --> 00:08:05,291 as all barn spiders do... 185 00:08:05,375 --> 00:08:06,875 (sniffles) in the fall. 186 00:08:06,959 --> 00:08:08,083 (sobs) 187 00:08:09,417 --> 00:08:10,667 Bravo, Lisa. 188 00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:13,291 What a positive note on which to end the class. 189 00:08:13,375 --> 00:08:16,250 (sniffles) Positive? Positive? 190 00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:20,000 Charlotte died alone at the saddest place on Earth, 191 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,208 an empty fairground. 192 00:08:22,291 --> 00:08:25,417 Well, your smiling face made dying alone fun. 193 00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:28,000 And believe me, that's where I'm headed. 194 00:08:28,083 --> 00:08:29,834 So as long as I'm smiling, 195 00:08:29,917 --> 00:08:32,208 it doesn't matter what comes out of my mouth? 196 00:08:32,291 --> 00:08:33,542 Or your nose. 197 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,041 I don't need these anymore. 198 00:08:41,125 --> 00:08:43,166 This'll go good in Willie's stew. 199 00:08:45,166 --> 00:08:47,792 LISA: Can it really be that people are this shallow? 200 00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:51,542 (chanting) Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! 201 00:08:51,625 --> 00:08:54,583 And am I shallow enough to enjoy this? 202 00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:56,500 (gasps) I am! 203 00:08:56,583 --> 00:08:58,000 (straining grunt) 204 00:08:58,083 --> 00:09:00,625 I'm so happy, I could sing! 205 00:09:00,709 --> 00:09:01,959 ♪ Ah ♪ 206 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:04,417 ♪ Hello, world! ♪ 207 00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,250 Ow, ow, ow. 208 00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:08,333 That really hurts with the braces. 209 00:09:09,458 --> 00:09:11,375 -Take your pick. -What is it? 210 00:09:11,458 --> 00:09:13,667 No idea. The labels are in Spanish. 211 00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:15,667 (rhythmic rattling) 212 00:09:20,041 --> 00:09:22,208 -Hey, gorgeous. -Hey, Bart. 213 00:09:22,291 --> 00:09:24,750 Lisa? Oh, yuck! I didn't know that was you. 214 00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:26,500 (coughing, gagging) 215 00:09:26,583 --> 00:09:30,000 It's the smile. It's totally changed how people see me. 216 00:09:30,083 --> 00:09:33,250 Well, I just want you to know, you'll always be gross to me. 217 00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:35,291 Oh, thank God. I was having doubts, 218 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,583 trying to figure out if this is sexist. 219 00:09:37,667 --> 00:09:39,375 And then I found this. 220 00:09:39,458 --> 00:09:41,792 (low, ominous music plays) 221 00:09:45,959 --> 00:09:47,583 (upbeat music playing) 222 00:09:49,291 --> 00:09:51,500 It seems like ever since the pill, 223 00:09:51,583 --> 00:09:54,375 the workplace has been full of single women. 224 00:09:54,458 --> 00:09:55,959 Here's your coffee, Jim. 225 00:09:56,041 --> 00:09:59,041 Extra sugar, just how you like it. 226 00:09:59,125 --> 00:10:01,542 Hmm. Remind me to get a divorce. 227 00:10:01,625 --> 00:10:05,166 But some women are having trouble "fitting in." 228 00:10:05,250 --> 00:10:07,166 Well, I can't figure it out, Jim. 229 00:10:07,250 --> 00:10:09,417 I was all prepared for a big presentation, 230 00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:11,959 but it went over like a nun at a go-go bar. 231 00:10:12,041 --> 00:10:14,166 Well, there's one thing you didn't prepare, 232 00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:15,291 and that's your face. 233 00:10:15,375 --> 00:10:17,875 But I'm wearing a pound of Mary Kay. 234 00:10:17,959 --> 00:10:20,208 Let me touch your body and show you the problem. 235 00:10:20,291 --> 00:10:21,458 No need to ask. 236 00:10:21,542 --> 00:10:22,875 Mm. 237 00:10:22,959 --> 00:10:26,834 You've got a secret weapon sitting in the middle of your face. 238 00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:29,208 Now you're sure to get that promotion. 239 00:10:29,291 --> 00:10:30,917 -Really? -(laughs) 240 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:31,917 No. 241 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:35,041 Ugh! Don't you see why I hate this? 242 00:10:35,125 --> 00:10:36,417 'Cause you hate everything? 243 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:39,959 Because it makes that jerky old guy right. 244 00:10:40,041 --> 00:10:42,458 I am more popular because I'm smiling. 245 00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:43,875 Told ya. 246 00:10:43,959 --> 00:10:46,166 (growling) 247 00:10:46,417 --> 00:10:48,959 ("La Primavera" from Vivaldi's The Four Seasons playing) 248 00:10:53,125 --> 00:10:56,041 Wow. Not a single picture of Artie. 249 00:10:56,125 --> 00:10:57,959 Maybe he has matured. 250 00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:04,709 Well, I guess being here sort of ends a chapter in my life. 251 00:11:04,792 --> 00:11:06,250 So, l'chaim. 252 00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:09,583 That's odd. 253 00:11:09,959 --> 00:11:12,834 Not one person from the bride's family. 254 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,750 ("Bridal Chorus" playing) 255 00:11:16,834 --> 00:11:19,917 Excuse me. We need someone to walk the bride down the aisle. 256 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,208 Could you? 257 00:11:21,291 --> 00:11:23,750 First, tell me one thing. How long is the aisle? 258 00:11:23,834 --> 00:11:25,083 About 20 feet. 259 00:11:25,166 --> 00:11:26,583 All right, I'll do it. 260 00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:28,667 But double cake. 261 00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:34,125 (sniffles) They grow up so fast. 262 00:11:34,208 --> 00:11:36,875 I knew this day would come. (sobs) 263 00:11:36,959 --> 00:11:39,959 You'll always be my little girl. Mm. 264 00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:42,959 If he ever hurts my baby, I'll kill him. 265 00:11:43,041 --> 00:11:44,834 Oh, for crying out loud. 266 00:11:44,917 --> 00:11:47,000 Friends, family, 267 00:11:47,083 --> 00:11:49,291 I take great delight in informing you 268 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,667 that the bride and groom have written their own vows. 269 00:11:51,750 --> 00:11:53,709 (crowd groans) 270 00:11:53,792 --> 00:11:56,500 Stick to the script, amateurs. 271 00:11:57,875 --> 00:12:00,375 (ominous music plays) 272 00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:02,083 Oh, my God. 273 00:12:02,166 --> 00:12:03,291 This is too weird. 274 00:12:03,375 --> 00:12:06,083 Artie, you are the greatest lover ever. 275 00:12:06,166 --> 00:12:08,709 When we make sex, it is so, so good. 276 00:12:08,792 --> 00:12:11,500 I can't take this anymore. We're getting out of here. 277 00:12:11,583 --> 00:12:13,917 Yeah. This is really creepy. 278 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,375 Even the rhino's leaving. 279 00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:20,125 You may now kiss the bride. 280 00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:24,291 (Artie groans) 281 00:12:24,375 --> 00:12:26,750 And this is a picture of us at our wedding. 282 00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:28,083 You're so happy. 283 00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:30,083 And here's us on our honeymoon. 284 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,250 Two days in Ohio, two days in Michigan, 285 00:12:32,333 --> 00:12:34,792 and, booyah, up to Ontario 286 00:12:34,875 --> 00:12:37,208 for some international flavor. 287 00:12:37,291 --> 00:12:38,417 (chuckles) 288 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:39,917 I'm not happy. 289 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,834 MILHOUSE: I have a drawing of you saying that in Michigan. 290 00:12:42,917 --> 00:12:46,125 This smile is so wrong. There's nothing to be happy about. 291 00:12:46,208 --> 00:12:49,166 The world is a mess, and so is this school. 292 00:12:50,333 --> 00:12:52,291 I mean, how hard is this? 293 00:12:52,375 --> 00:12:55,375 The happy girl put the thing in the hole. 294 00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:01,166 Wait a minute. 295 00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:04,625 I could use my new power to change these things. 296 00:13:04,709 --> 00:13:06,333 Use it for good. 297 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,000 (exclaiming) 298 00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:21,500 Indubitably. 299 00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,917 ALL: Hear, hear! Hear, hear! 300 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,834 I can make it happen. 301 00:13:25,917 --> 00:13:28,083 Hurry! 302 00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:36,417 You posers. 303 00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,667 I was for Lisa before it was cool. 304 00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,250 You never liked Lisa. 305 00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:42,083 What? You got to remember that. 306 00:13:42,166 --> 00:13:44,000 That's my one thing. 307 00:13:44,083 --> 00:13:46,959 No. Your thing is crying when you're punched. 308 00:13:47,041 --> 00:13:48,625 -Prove it. -(grunts) 309 00:13:48,709 --> 00:13:50,917 Ow! (crying) 310 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,417 Aw, you're taking all the fun out of it. 311 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,667 The polls are in and you're doing great. 312 00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:58,417 You're picking up the key group, girls who don't like Milhouse. 313 00:13:58,500 --> 00:13:59,834 You're big with swing voters, 314 00:13:59,917 --> 00:14:01,417 but the teeter-totters could go either way. 315 00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,250 What about the kids on the slide? 316 00:14:03,333 --> 00:14:04,250 Eh, they're up and down, 317 00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:07,250 but the kids on the monkey bars are climbing. That's all I got. 318 00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:11,166 Like every election with one week to go, this is in the bag. 319 00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:14,291 Don't be so sure. I'm up against a tough opponent, 320 00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:16,250 Dubya Spuckler. 321 00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:18,667 Look at this negative ad he did. 322 00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:21,542 Lisa Simpson says "writin'" ends with a "G" 323 00:14:21,625 --> 00:14:24,041 and "'rithmetic" starts with a "A." 324 00:14:24,125 --> 00:14:26,125 You know what I say? 325 00:14:28,458 --> 00:14:31,208 Don't worry. You just keep smiling. 326 00:14:31,291 --> 00:14:33,792 Well, I do have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow 327 00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:35,041 for a tune-up. 328 00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,542 In the bag, Madam President. 329 00:14:37,625 --> 00:14:39,291 Bup, don't be so sure. 330 00:14:39,375 --> 00:14:42,208 Hey, I drew a picture of your inauguration. 331 00:14:42,291 --> 00:14:45,458 I don't think I've ever looked more radiant. 332 00:14:45,542 --> 00:14:48,291 (humming a tune) 333 00:14:50,041 --> 00:14:52,959 Okay, kid. Your bottom braces are on. 334 00:14:53,041 --> 00:14:55,917 (gasps) What happened to my smile? 335 00:14:56,875 --> 00:14:58,500 No, no, no, this is terrible. 336 00:14:58,583 --> 00:15:00,375 I look like I actually feel. 337 00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,750 In six months, you'll have perfect teeth. 338 00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:05,625 Six months? I have to smile now. 339 00:15:05,709 --> 00:15:07,208 No, I can power through this. 340 00:15:07,291 --> 00:15:08,667 (straining grunt) 341 00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:10,875 Ow. Ow. 342 00:15:10,959 --> 00:15:13,333 Uh, Ralph lost his retainer in the trash. 343 00:15:13,417 --> 00:15:15,041 What can we, uh, do here? 344 00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:17,291 New ones are $500. 345 00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,834 Uh, so just what is this secret mission, Chief? 346 00:15:19,917 --> 00:15:22,875 Well, let's just say you're on retainer. 347 00:15:22,959 --> 00:15:24,709 (chuckling) 348 00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:33,542 HOMER: Let's see. I'll take this. 349 00:15:33,625 --> 00:15:35,834 -(grunting) -Aw, stop that. 350 00:15:35,917 --> 00:15:39,041 Aw, come on, Marge. This minibar is paid for. 351 00:15:39,125 --> 00:15:42,542 Do you know the street value of this Toblerone? 352 00:15:42,625 --> 00:15:44,250 Homer, stop it. 353 00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:46,750 I can't help thinking about that poor woman. 354 00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:50,125 Artie only married her because she looks like me. 355 00:15:50,208 --> 00:15:51,917 I mean, a lot like me. 356 00:15:52,041 --> 00:15:54,083 You're right. We have to find her and tell her. 357 00:15:54,166 --> 00:15:58,166 But, first, there's something naughty I want to do with this bed. 358 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,458 (giggles) 359 00:16:05,875 --> 00:16:07,458 Are you sure we should be here? 360 00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:09,291 This is technically his honeymoon. 361 00:16:09,375 --> 00:16:12,542 ARTIE: Achem! Achem! Achem! 362 00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:15,542 Artie? 363 00:16:15,625 --> 00:16:18,542 I'm at the lowest point of my life! 364 00:16:18,625 --> 00:16:20,208 But come on in. 365 00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:26,625 As a woman, I just want to tell your wife what's really going on here. 366 00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:28,250 Sure, why not? 367 00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:30,542 Say it to her face! 368 00:16:30,625 --> 00:16:31,458 (both scream) 369 00:16:31,542 --> 00:16:33,041 Now you know my secret. 370 00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:35,458 I've spent years trying to build the perfect copy 371 00:16:35,542 --> 00:16:38,542 of the only woman for me, you, Marge. 372 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:43,250 But they were all inferior in some way. 373 00:16:44,291 --> 00:16:45,583 This one lacks kindness. 374 00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,417 This one keeps trying to kill me. 375 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,250 This one's head is a toaster. 376 00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:52,375 And the slots aren't even big enough for a bagel. 377 00:16:52,959 --> 00:16:55,458 Why would you marry a machine? 378 00:16:55,542 --> 00:16:58,458 I didn't. It was one last trick. 379 00:16:58,542 --> 00:17:00,625 I thought when you saw how perfect we look together, 380 00:17:00,709 --> 00:17:03,291 you would realize that we were meant to be. 381 00:17:03,375 --> 00:17:06,000 I am, as the poet once said, 382 00:17:06,083 --> 00:17:07,709 a dumb schmuck. 383 00:17:07,792 --> 00:17:09,333 -Artie. -Yes? 384 00:17:09,417 --> 00:17:11,375 You're not dumb. You're smart. 385 00:17:11,458 --> 00:17:15,083 And I think this crazy project actually had some brilliance in it. 386 00:17:15,166 --> 00:17:19,041 Imagine if you use that noodle for good. 387 00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,000 Wow. Wow. 388 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:25,458 Only you could find a pearl in the flabby oyster that is me. 389 00:17:25,542 --> 00:17:27,709 I will become a better human being. 390 00:17:27,792 --> 00:17:28,959 Terrific. 391 00:17:29,041 --> 00:17:30,875 And then you'll love me? 392 00:17:30,959 --> 00:17:32,208 No. 393 00:17:32,291 --> 00:17:35,875 Well, then, I finally give up. 394 00:17:35,959 --> 00:17:37,458 Or do I? 395 00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:40,959 Aw, damn it. 396 00:17:42,041 --> 00:17:45,250 Artie, you and your blue crew of Margekateers 397 00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:48,000 have done so many good deeds. What's next? 398 00:17:48,083 --> 00:17:50,333 I'm gonna make one of them my bride. 399 00:17:51,417 --> 00:17:53,208 Hey, I didn't give you wings. 400 00:17:53,291 --> 00:17:55,125 MARGE BOT: Life finds a way! 401 00:17:57,750 --> 00:17:59,667 -Uh, let's quiet down, please. -(excited chatter) 402 00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:02,917 The sooner we can get this debate over, the sooner the teachers can get ice cream. 403 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,333 CROWD: Boo! 404 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,750 None for Seymour. He gets gassy. 405 00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:08,583 Yeah, I-- I know. 406 00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:11,583 And now we have a very special moderator, 407 00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:14,792 Governor Mary Bailey. 408 00:18:14,875 --> 00:18:17,417 Our first candidate is Dubya Spuckler. 409 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:19,875 CROWD (chanting): Dubya! Dubya! 410 00:18:19,959 --> 00:18:21,083 That's your brother. 411 00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:23,166 He prefers the pronoun "they," 412 00:18:23,250 --> 00:18:26,375 on account of the twin he absorbed in my belly. 413 00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:29,291 Our other candidate is ill, so she'll be Skyping in. 414 00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:30,834 Lisa Simpson. 415 00:18:30,917 --> 00:18:33,333 Lisa, I'm sorry, what do you have? 416 00:18:33,417 --> 00:18:36,000 LISA: What I have is an agenda for this school, 417 00:18:36,083 --> 00:18:38,291 an agenda that looks forward. 418 00:18:38,375 --> 00:18:43,458 I can deliver results, while my opponent can't even spell "results." 419 00:18:43,542 --> 00:18:46,417 Yes, I can. R-E squiggly letter, 420 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,041 bucket letter, tall man, 421 00:18:48,125 --> 00:18:49,834 little plus sign, squiggly letter. 422 00:18:49,917 --> 00:18:51,125 -"Results." -(scattered cheers) 423 00:18:51,208 --> 00:18:52,834 That's not how you spell "results." 424 00:18:52,917 --> 00:18:55,625 (loudly) Lisa doesn't sound sick at all. 425 00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:57,375 (nervous laugh) 426 00:18:57,458 --> 00:18:59,667 (quietly) You said you've done this before. 427 00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:02,208 It was my machismo talking. 428 00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:08,166 (crowd gasps) 429 00:19:08,291 --> 00:19:11,625 (gasps) Lisa's using a funny-face app. 430 00:19:11,709 --> 00:19:14,041 (panting) 431 00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:16,000 (groans) 432 00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,875 Listen, I tried to fool you, and that was wrong. 433 00:19:19,250 --> 00:19:21,166 This is an abomination! 434 00:19:21,250 --> 00:19:23,166 What are you doing at a school debate? 435 00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:26,125 My illegitimate son goes here. 436 00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,917 Oh, the shame. 437 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,917 I still have good ideas. 438 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,500 All I hear is "nag, nag, nag." 439 00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:35,917 CROWD (chanting): Dubya! Dubya! 440 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,667 Dubya! Dubya! 441 00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:41,208 (groans) Oh, boy. 442 00:19:41,583 --> 00:19:45,917 I didn't want to believe my popularity was based on my stupid smile. 443 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,208 (groans) Oh, but it was. 444 00:19:48,333 --> 00:19:50,417 You're just a kid, and things are changing. 445 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:54,750 In the future, women will be judged by what they say, not how they look. 446 00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:58,917 Maybe, but the future is a really long way away. 447 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,417 Told you you should smile more. 448 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,917 The future is now! 449 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,500 (whoops) 450 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:12,667 A toast. I have finally perfected you. 451 00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:15,500 You all look just like Marge and you will never leave. 452 00:20:15,583 --> 00:20:19,583 Now, which of you lucky girls wants to party with Artie? 453 00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:24,250 (stilted) I am in power save mode. 454 00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:26,792 Oh, fine. What about you two? 455 00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:28,083 (stilted) Power save. 456 00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:30,458 (stilted) One percent battery. 457 00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:31,709 Hmm? 458 00:20:31,792 --> 00:20:33,417 I just don't like you. 459 00:20:35,417 --> 00:20:37,667 Oh! That counts as a kiss. 460 00:21:23,166 --> 00:21:25,208 -(murmuring) -Shh!