♪ The Simpsons ♪
Oh, man.
These beauties would diaper up real nice.
[Homer] Dad.
We've got wonderful news.
It's a gift we've been hoping to give you for years.
You're finally off the wait list.
A better room opened up.
Hot diggity!
Not diggity.
This room is tiny.
How's it better?
Better for us.
It's cheaper.
Much cheaper.
Wouldn't you rather we spend that money on your grandkids' education?
No. They're dumb as dirt.
Look on the bright side.
You're right next to the ice machine...
[ice crashes]
...and the pill machine.
[pills clattering]
And how about this beautiful view they painted on the cinder block wall?
It's too bright.
And what about all my stuff?
You'll just have to get rid of some of it.
And once you're used to this smaller space,
it'll ease your transition to a cozy pine box.
Pine? You promised me black walnut.
Of course, of course.
Only the best for my dad.
What about this shoe tree?
Does it bring you joy?
It makes me furious.
I'm keeping it.
Whoa, Grampa, what's all this?
Yeah, that's just all my old war stuff.
Can I have it?
Oh, it warms my heart to know my precious memories
are going to someone who will cherish them.
So, how much will you give me for all this crap?
Well, most of these medals are for cowardice.
Does this thing even work?
Four, three, two...
Nothin'.
I'll give you a hundred dollars store credit.
A hundred dollars? Awesome.
No switchblades or cyanide pills.
Pfft. Damn it.
Eh. Nah. Mm-mmm. Pfft. Mm-mmm. Nope.
Pfft. Yeah.
Ooh. Army comic book about VD?
Why wouldn't I wanna catch Valentine's Day?
Oh, my God. Are you there? It's me, Margaret.
Is that...
You better believe it.
A human brain.
My life up to now has been merely a prelude.
Today, a prank king becomes a prank god.
I wanna buy your brain.
[rock music playing]
So you see, Comptroller Atkins, we have put your new funding to use.
We've redone the cafeteria floor and the ceiling,
and we've added exciting new menu options.
Indeed. Today, the children are enjoying a panoply of nutrition.
Split pea soup, clam chowder, both varietals.
Bart, are you really gonna do it?
Guys, it's me, the Bartman. [chuckles]
This is happening.
Venison chili, beef bourguignon, a vibrant Indian curry.
And best of all, brain under glass.
[children gasp, gag]
[Principal Skinner] Bart, you did far more damage today
than just ruin some administrators' suits.
We may be wearing clothes from the lost and found,
but you are truly lost.
Today you traumatized scores of students,
rendered the cafeteria uninhabitable for weeks.
And worst of all-- worst of all-- you broke Willie.
Chunks.
So many chunks.
What do you have to say for yourself?
I regret nothing.
I'll gladly accept whatever book you throw at me
because there's no way I could ever live with myself
if I hadn't done this today.
So give me all the Fs, send me to juvie, or even kill me
because I'm already immortal.
And when I do die--
Oh, shut up.
Four weeks detention and you're not going on the trip to Colonial Shelbyville.
You will be confined to the detention trailer
while other students delight in learning how bricks were once made.
Um, Principal Skinner, if I may.
I believe we can deal with Bart's behavior in a more constructive way,
turn this into a learning opportunity.
[Chalmers] It's not a learning opportunity.
It's a punishing opportunity.
The boy should suffer.
He brought a human brain to school.
Exactly.
And I think he should bring it to school every day.
Learn to take care of it, journal his experience,
gain a sense of responsibility.
No, no, please don't do this.
I'm begging you.
Pale skin, sweaty lip, twitchy eye.
Now, that's suffering.
Ms. Peyton, make it so.
My greatest prank has become homework.
For the next two weeks,
everyone is responsible for the care and protection
of a fragile and helpless egg.
Or, in Bart's case, a brain.
[children] Ew!
I don't wanna lug this thing everywhere I go.
I had my fun for five minutes, and now I wanna move on with my life.
And that's parenthood.
Oh, man, how do I even know this thing's mine?
Um, I'm going out for candy cigarettes.
Be right back, slugger.
Be sure to keep your caregiver journal up-to-date
because that's what you'll be graded on.
Oh. Using a human brain for homework.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
You know, Bart, I'm your brain too,
and I can help you study all your subjects.
Shut up, stupid, or I'll go back to sniffing permanent markers.
I'll be good.
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show ♪
Hey, Bart.
Do you really think Itchy and Scratchy is appropriate for a developing mind?
That's not a baby.
It's a glob of gunk in a jar of goo.
Your baby journal's pretty empty.
Are you sure this isn't your second fake kid?
Oh, this sucks. I need some me time.
I'm going to Milhouse's to watch reaction videos to reaction videos.
Your teacher wouldn't like you leaving your baby all alone.
Unless you get a sitter.
Last minute?
I'll never find someone on such short notice.
Unless...
Uh, Dad, would you watch your grandson tonight?
No. I told you to get rid of it, remember?
Come on. Please.
I need some me time.
Well, I guess I could give it the same love and attention
I gave you when you were a baby.
I'm sorry, Homer.
I'm not accepting organs as payment anymore.
Nah, it's just my kid's brain.
They grow up so fast.
Guys, I just found out I'm next on the list for a new liver.
- [Lenny, Carl] Yay! - [Homer] Hey, all right!
Then let's give the old liver one last night he'll never forget.
Set 'em up, Moe.
[all] One last night!
[video game voice] Atomic wedgie.
Oh, It feels so good to get out of the house
and away from that stupid needy brain. Am I right?
I'm enjoying being a dad.
I can fix the mistakes my parents made with me.
[video game voice] Player two loses.
I'm a failure because of you!
[video game voice] Bonus humiliation. Defile him.
Aw, kinda reminds me of my little guy. Um, not that I care or anything.
Boys, I made you a healthy snack.
Roasted cauliflower.
Aw, look at him there. So cute on that plate.
Maybe I should get home.
Sweet.
More roasty caulies for me.
Oh, where is Dad with my brain?
They should be home by now.
Finally!
It's about time, you good-for-nothing!
Relax, Marge.
The baby's fine.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, my sweet little precious--
Pickled eggs!
[jar smashes]
Where's my brain?
Oh, must've gotten mixed up.
Two jars.
We were making 'em kiss.
He's too young for kissing.
I gotta go find him.
What happened to that brain my dad had?
Well, years of drinking.
Not to mention all that nuclear stuff.
And, uh, I don't think it was all that great to begin with.
The one in the jar.
Oh, that, oh, I left that in the alley for the raccoons.
They'll eat tonight.
- [raccoons chittering] - No!
Hmm?
Nicotine beef jerky?
I know who took you.
I'm so jerked up.
I feel like I smoked a whole cow.
Let's mess up this brain.
[Bart] Leave it alone.
That's my brain.
After we blow it up, you can have the biggest chunk.
This isn't some frog where you can put a firecracker in its butt.
It's a living thing.
And it's my job to take care of it, and teach it to do cool stuff
like, um, paintball and-and pooping in jack-o'-lanterns.
So hands off my brain!
Okay, okay.
You can have your stupid headcheese.
Don't worry.
I'm taking you home.
I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way he loves that brain.
Look, man, I'm gonna take better care of you.
You're the only brain I've got.
You need a name, bud.
Wait. Buddy.
Perfect, 'cause you're my buddy.
Also, I don't wanna think about this any harder.
Thursday, May 14th.
Buddy and I had quite the adventure tonight.
I realized he's more than just some dumb prank or a homework assignment.
He's a badass like me.
Garçon, another high chair for my associate here.
Oh, you brought your jar friend.
Oh, I get it. Buddy's a little different, but he's my responsibility.
Plus, he's pretty cool.
Well, maybe he could be under the table.
Whoa! Buddy's my plus one.
Would you rather me bring Milhouse?
No, no, no, no, no.
No one said "Milhouse."
Simpsons, welcome!
Oh, my favorite family.
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Maggie, Bart, a brain.
A brain?
[speaking Italian]
It's okay, it's okay.
It's just a school project.
Good news! A table, she just opened up in a private dining room.
You can go into...
My pasta's cold.
Everything's cold.
This brain business will not be good for Bart if he keeps it up.
Oh, come on. Think of all the worse stuff he could be doing.
Or all the worse stuff he's done.
He named it!
And I think he gave it a bite of tiramisu.
This is different for Bart.
What if he becomes the town weirdo?
Oh, weirdos aren't what they used to be.
They start computer companies, or own the Las Vegas Raiders,
or become serial killers.
But still, his odds are at least two out of three.
Children label each other.
Bart's in danger of becoming the Brain Boy.
You worry too much.
Remember when you thought Lisa was going to hell because she was a vegetarian?
I still think that!
"Eggcellent" work on your egg projects, class.
And your parenting journals were really inspired.
An A-plus?
I can't believe it. I've never gotten one of those.
I thought those were just for suckwads like Martin.
Okay, everybody, you did a great job.
So, it's time to turn in your eggs.
Whoa, hold on there. I am not giving you Buddy.
Well, one of the hardest parts of parenting
is watching your child move on.
To be Willie's breakfast.
Your brain can have a home on a shelf in the school science lab.
Buddy hates science. He's like me.
He's into MeatCanyon videos
and doing wrestling moves on the dog and pouring Red Bull on pancakes.
Bart, it might be healthy for you to take a break from Buddy.
And it might be healthy for you to have your own kid
and not live through us.
I never should have told you that we were trying.
Don't you worry.
It'll work out.
It's only been three months.
Give it time.
Ah, wifeless shopping,
where all the meat is nuggets and the produce section doesn't exist.
Ooh, the candy aisle, formerly known as cereal.
I don't care if he is Milhouse's best friend.
He's just weird.
And not the kind with a "diagnosis" that we have to like now.
My JJ says that he talks to the brain when no one's looking.
My little Seymour says the kids all call him "Brain Boy" behind his back.
Mmm. I wonder who they're talking about.
Moleman?
Well, whatever they're calling him, I don't want Bart Simpson around my son.
No surprise to me that Bart Simpson has become a weirdo.
When I had him in second grade, he ate a booger.
I hear Bart shares his bed with that brain,
puts a little sleep mask on it.
It's my fault, girls.
I should have noogied him more, knuckled some sense into him.
He had potential, but I guess he's just the town freak now.
Ha-ha.
Marge, you were right.
Everyone in the store is calling Bart Brain Boy.
It's already started with the yentas.
It won't be long before it spreads to the sluggards.
That's the whole rest of the town.
Bart is lost.
He won't be known by his name but by his thing.
Like Comic Book Guy, or Crazy Cat Lady, or Professor Pocket Paul.
At least that professor has life-time tenure.
Bart's gonna be unemployable.
Mom, Dad, I think I have a suggestion.
Little Miss know-it-all.
I watched this nature documentary that may apply to us.
When a chimp starts acting strangely, if it doesn't stop the behavior,
the tribe will savagely attack it, leaving it scarred and isolated forever.
I knew it.
We need to protect my special little chimp
from the cruel people in this town who would shun him.
Yes, we must be the loving parents who keep him locked up.
[Marge] Open the door quietly.
You know how squeaky it is.
- I told you to oil it. - [door squeaks]
I'm not an architect.
Your stage whispers are too loud.
Where are you guys going?
Bart!
We-- We're going to church.
Why didn't you wake me up?
Uh, you hate church.
The itchy pants, the big book of stuff that never happened.
We thought maybe you'd like to skip it this week
as a reward, uh, for being so normal.
This is about Buddy, isn't it?
You're ashamed to be seen with me.
- Of course not! - No!
Why would we be ashamed of our son and his BFF, a jar of human remains?
Look, sweetie,
why don't you just make yourself some Red Bull pancakes,
put on cartoons, and we'll be back before you know it.
Go. Go, go, go.
"Two oxen, five he-goats, five lambs of the first year.
- This was the offering"... - It's so boring.
But finally some peace away from Brain Boy.
I hate to say this, but you're right.
My jaw is unclenched for the first time in weeks.
[Bart] Sorry I'm late, everyone.
- Good to see ya. - [all gasp]
Don't mind us, just gonna sit with my loving family.
That's the Brain Boy.
It's so gross and wrinkled.
Don't look at him, JJ.
Bart is troubled.
So, what episode of Jesus are we on today?
Is he still talking about not judging people?
You know, loving your brother or your son?
[all gasp]
Bart, stop it.
This is enough.
Yeah. This isn't just some little quirk like wearing a fedora
or being a libertarian.
You got a disgusting brain in a greasy jar.
Pfft. My family.
You're the ones who always said you'd love me no matter what.
Unconditionally.
This was an unforeseen condition.
Oh, wait. I didn't mean that.
Too late, Mom.
Yes, I have a brain in a jar. So what?
Sideshow Mel has a human bone in his hair and nobody talks about that.
For your information, weirdo, this is the femur of a kangaroo.
It was given to me by Yahoo Serious.
Go ahead. Laugh and point at me.
Call me Brain Boy.
I don't care.
I have a friend who will never judge me, who's always been there for me:
this brain.
He gets me 'cause we're one and the same,
badasses who don't play by society's rules.
We're the Bartmen.
Me and my best pal.
[Bart] "Corbin Everly"?
Who's Corbin Everly?
Hold on.
He was a local tax accountant who donated his body to science
hoping it could benefit the world after his passing.
So, Buddy's nothing like me?
He's not some rude, crude pranking dude with a freaky fresh 'tude.
He was just some guy named Corbin?
Oh, maybe I shouldn't have been sloshing him all over town.
I feel bad for Bart.
No boy wants his brain to turn out to be a nerd.
Mom, I don't think I wanna be the Brain Boy anymore.
Oh, sweetie.
I'm sorry we weren't more supportive during this phase.
You hear that?
It was just a phase!
Oh, my goodness.
It's the brain of Corbin Everly.
Oh, where have you been, old chum?
Oh, let's never fight again.
What a weirdo.
Mom, this is stupid.
I don't wanna do this.
No, we're doing this because I support you unconditionally.
Maybe we should just get ice cream.