1 00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:11,970 No! 2 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:20,854 {\an8}Finally. A galaxy without trolls. 3 00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:22,355 {\an8}Huh? 4 00:00:31,322 --> 00:00:37,495 {\an8}Your reign of muscly heroism ends here, Flexulon. 5 00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:50,341 {\an8}Soar high, my golden friend. For today, we die another day. 6 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:03,271 {\an8}Next stop, the dank, sticky jungles of Bong-ulon Five! 7 00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:09,277 {\an8}Dude, you shouldn't have let him eat that whole pan of acid brownies. 8 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:14,491 {\an8}In my defense, I-I thought it'd be cool, and I was right! 9 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:22,040 {\an8}So, since Otto has disappeared with our bus and our brownie pans, 10 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,418 {\an8}parents will have to drive their own children to school. 11 00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:28,171 {\an8}- Come on. - I'm not doing that though. 12 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,298 {\an8}Well, fewer of you would have to drive 13 00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:33,051 {\an8}if you sat down and arranged a carpool schedule. 14 00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:36,137 {\an8}I'll kill you! 15 00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:40,225 {\an8}Or your children could walk to school so none of you have to do anything. 16 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,060 {\an8}- I like that option. - Yeah. 17 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,269 {\an8}Walking it is. 18 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:47,232 {\an8}However, we do need one parent volunteer to complete our team 19 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,150 {\an8}of noble crossing guards. 20 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,404 Just, uh, one engaged parent is all we need. 21 00:01:53,404 --> 00:01:55,240 I'm too busy right now. 22 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:59,661 Hell yeah. You know I'm in. I've been waiting for this my whole life. 23 00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,371 Homer Simpson. Wonderful. 24 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,206 Hmm? What did he say? 25 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,917 I was watching the trailer for the Revenge of the Nerds reboot. 26 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:08,169 John Cena is playing Booger. 27 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:11,589 Homer, you just volunteered. 28 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:12,966 Dear God! 29 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,677 No! Stop! Yield! 30 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:19,097 Well, he's got the lingo down. This guy's a natural. 31 00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:22,725 Now I gotta wake up at the butt crack of dawn 32 00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:26,271 to walk loser kids across some loser street. 33 00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:28,773 Never have children, Lenny. 34 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:32,402 You don't have to worry about that. See, I was born without-- 35 00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:37,657 What the-- We've got a code blue in 7-G. Repeat, code blue. 36 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:43,621 Anyhoo, you notice there's an apple for sale in the vending machine? 37 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:46,166 I mean, who would buy that? 38 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,794 Double the coolant levels. Now! 39 00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:50,879 I'm on it. 40 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,463 Backup pumps on standby. 41 00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,841 Carlson, decrease the steam valve by 60P. 42 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,134 Leonard, the control rods. 43 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,678 You, Glasses, pray for all our souls. 44 00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:01,014 Now, switch generators on my count. 45 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,141 Five. Four. 46 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:06,895 Three. Two. 47 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,189 Implement. 48 00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:16,821 - We did it! - Boola, boola. 49 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:21,784 Um, fellas, I'm the nuclear safety guy, right? 50 00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:25,580 Shouldn't my console have been doing all that beepy stuff? 51 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,666 - Yeah, um-- Uh. Uh. - Um. Mmm. Uh. You see-- 52 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:32,212 We kinda made it so that just my console does that now. 53 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:36,966 We just figured we'd lighten your load, buddy. Since you already do so much. 54 00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:38,760 Like the March Madness brackets. 55 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,764 And you're the go-getter who implemented jean-short Wednesdays. 56 00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:48,019 Are you guys saying I've never kept anyone safe? 57 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:51,648 Oh, sure you have, Homer. Just by not doing anything. 58 00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,406 My console isn't even plugged in. 59 00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:05,328 I opened it, and it's full of cleaning supplies and unsold Mr. Burns Funkos. 60 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:11,167 Aw. This whole time I thought I mattered, but I don't, and I never did. 61 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:16,506 Well, you matter to me, especially since it's Wednesday night. 62 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:19,926 - Oh. Right. Scheduled sex. - Mmm. 63 00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:23,263 Okay. Here we go. 64 00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,516 Just give me a second here. 65 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,851 Come on. Come on. Just-- Almost. 66 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:35,400 Uh, sweetie? It seems like your lightsaber doesn't wanna go "shwoom." 67 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,278 Did you go Han Solo earlier tonight? 68 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:41,322 Aw. I guess I'm useless everywhere. 69 00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:45,702 I'm just gonna stay in bed tomorrow and suck my nightstand ketchup packets. 70 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:51,416 Actually, you have to wake up at 6:00 to be a crossing guard. 71 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,500 D'oh! 72 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,586 - What do you guys think happened to Otto? - Jail. 73 00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:56,754 - Jail. - Jail. 74 00:04:56,754 --> 00:05:00,925 Maybe he just got tired of always running from the darkness. 75 00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:05,805 Oh, God. There's Dad. Please don't let him embarrass us. 76 00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:11,019 Well, well, time to help the baby brigade cross the road. 77 00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:15,565 Oh, no. 78 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:19,986 I deserve your respect, you little jerks! 79 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,197 Stupid kids. 80 00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:27,660 Without me, they'd be stuck on one side of the street for the rest of their lives. 81 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:31,622 Ha-ha! Got your octagonal sign. 82 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:34,834 Hey! Give me that. I need it to tell cars what to do. Stop! 83 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,004 No, you stop. 84 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,422 D'oh! 85 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,345 I'm a streetwalker. 86 00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:50,016 Oh, no. I'm late for my AA meeting. 87 00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,478 Hey there, gorgeous! 88 00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:55,772 Hmm? 89 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:01,986 - Whoa. - Whoa. 90 00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:04,781 My whole life just flashed through my pants. 91 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:09,202 Way to go, Homer! You just saved this balding little scamp's life. 92 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,704 - All right, Homer! - You did it, Dad! 93 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,915 How about one for the paper, Mr. S? 94 00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:17,293 I saved someone's life. 95 00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:20,630 You hear that, world? Homer Simpson matters! 96 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,673 - No, wait! No! - Whoa! No! 97 00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:25,134 Oh. Right. How about one of these? 98 00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,136 - Whoo! - Whee! 99 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:29,430 Whee! 100 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:34,268 The last two endangered pandas on Earth died today 101 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:37,980 in what zoo investigators are calling a grisly murder-suicide. 102 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:41,317 {\an8}Adios, pandas. We'll see you at the crossroads. 103 00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:43,736 We wrap up tonight's nightly reading of horrors 104 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:48,324 with a new optimistic segment I like to call, "Chicken Soup for the News." 105 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,078 The small-town crossing guard... 106 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,832 ...a job most Americans consider as charming as it is pointless, 107 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:58,960 {\an8}until last week, when local hero Homer Simpson 108 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,922 {\an8}risked his life to save one pumpkin-headed little boy. 109 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:06,592 {\an8}And now Simpson has become something of a curbside celebrity. 110 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:10,012 {\an8}What can Springfield do to show its love and appreciation 111 00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:11,681 {\an8}for local crossing guards? 112 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,350 {\an8}I don't know. I guess we could use some new equipment. 113 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,436 {\an8}These lawn chairs aren't very comfy, 114 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,522 and these old sashes don't exactly lift and support. 115 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:23,401 But you know what, Kent? Keeping kids safe is its own reward. 116 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:26,362 God bless that saintly dough ball. 117 00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:30,867 That's it. I'm giving Springfield's crossing guards an actual budget. 118 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,869 Not for self-serving political reasons, 119 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:36,956 but because I'm a man of principle who wants to do good in the world. 120 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,001 Joseph, your turn on the sex chessboard. 121 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,587 We can't very well play without our king. 122 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,589 Though the bishop may try. 123 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,848 Wow. Look at all this orange swag. 124 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:57,727 And that's just the beginning. Now you'll be getting a full-time salary. 125 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,979 Sweet Cellophane Sally! 126 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:04,442 First, I get paid to be the timer at a chess-themed sex orgy, and now this! 127 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:07,195 Homer, as the fella whose heroism got us here, 128 00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:10,323 I nominate you as crossing guard captain. 129 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,204 - Ooh. - Whoa. 130 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:19,040 Look at my handsome man in uniform. 131 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,625 I don't know, Homer. 132 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:23,544 The only people that wear badges are power-hungry chumps 133 00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:25,671 who want to keep the little guy down. 134 00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:28,799 Are you talking about that security guard at the supermarket? 135 00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:31,135 I wasn't trying to break the gumball machine. 136 00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:33,221 I was just trying to shake out a purple. 137 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,847 Well, I'm proud of you, Dad. 138 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:38,851 Volunteering to serve the community is the highest calling there is. 139 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:40,144 You know what's even better? 140 00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:43,856 Volunteering for money! We're getting paid now. 141 00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,234 I even got a budget for ten more guards, 142 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:49,153 and I'm only gonna hire the best and the brightest. 143 00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:50,738 All right, rookies. 144 00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:53,616 Not all of you are going to make it through training. 145 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,953 Look to your left. Now look to your right. 146 00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:59,163 That's how you know if a car is coming. 147 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:00,706 That concludes your training. 148 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:05,711 Hey, uh, Homer. I-I can't thank you enough for saving my Ralphie's life. 149 00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:08,631 Of course, Chief. Just doing my job. 150 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:12,843 You ever need a parking ticket thrown out or someone else's DNA left somewhere, 151 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,428 you just let me know. 152 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:15,930 Hmm. 153 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:20,518 Arr, Captain, he didn't seek your permission to cross the seven stripes. 154 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:24,146 Crossing Guard Stu thinks he's undermining you. 155 00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:25,231 Mmm. 156 00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,191 Where's the fire, buddy? 157 00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:29,193 Do you know how jay you were walking there, sir? 158 00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:31,195 I-I-I don't know what that means. 159 00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:32,488 All right, wise guy. 160 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:34,407 I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the curb 161 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,200 and keep your feet where I can see them. 162 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,035 I can't even see 'em. 163 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,287 Sir, calm down. 164 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,872 Look, I can let you off with a warning this time, 165 00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:44,875 but just so you know, I run these streets. 166 00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:47,211 I-- Wha-- No, you d-- I do! 167 00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:49,964 Well, I run all the parts between the curbs. Got it? 168 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,799 Ooh. These are nice. 169 00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:55,219 I'm gonna hold on to them, unless you have a problem with that. 170 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:59,724 Yeah, no. No problem at all, um, uh, "Cross-ifer." Just h-have a nice day. 171 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:04,478 Stupid crossing guards think they're so tough with their cool orange vests. 172 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:09,275 Another curb kept safe by Captain Homer J. Simpson. 173 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,359 Boys. 174 00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:23,539 Uh, h-here's that pitcher you asked for, Squeaky Voice. 175 00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:26,042 That's Mr. Teen to you, rookie. 176 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,210 These new guys got no respect. 177 00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:31,297 It ain't like when we started three weeks ago. 178 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,090 Homer, I've been trying to reach you. 179 00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:37,053 {\an8}Whoa there, Skinner. This bar is crossing guards only now. 180 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,805 {\an8}I don't even let Lenny and Carl in here no more. 181 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,975 Y-Yeah, but did you read my urgent memo? 182 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:46,270 Tomorrow is the science fair, bake sale and picture day. 183 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,814 Morning drop-off will be very challenging. 184 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,400 Now, uh, I'm not telling you how to do your job-- 185 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,235 Are you telling me how to do my job? 186 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:56,280 No, I specifically said I'm not telling you how to do your job. 187 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,450 That's enough, Principal What's-Your-Face. 188 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,952 No pedestrians allowed. 189 00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:06,290 But, Homer, if we don't get this right, it could be pandemonium. 190 00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,376 Pandemonium. 191 00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,002 {\an8}It's pandemonium, folks. 192 00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:12,672 {\an8}This is Arnie Pye reporting live, high above 193 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:16,967 {\an8}an elementary school traffic jam turned all-out scholastic fracas. 194 00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:19,804 Surely, this town's handsomely paid crossing guards 195 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,807 can bring order to this Monday morning mayhem. 196 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:24,225 Oh. Oh. 197 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:26,227 Guys, stop it! 198 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,028 The punching is making things worse. 199 00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,948 Don't make me blow my whistle at you. 200 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,032 Captain Simpson! 201 00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:43,160 The shaking of my car is dangerously close to mixing 202 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,955 the hydrogen peroxide, yeast and dish soap within. 203 00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,039 So? 204 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:51,043 Those ingredients create a fascinating yet volatile substance known as... 205 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,506 elephant toothpaste. 206 00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,428 This was the most expensive, destructive and disgusting riot 207 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,179 since the Isotopes won the pennant. 208 00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,264 Go, Topes! 209 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:07,393 Crossing Guard Captain Homer Simpson, what do you have to say for yourself? 210 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,228 {\an8}- Yeah, what? - You suck! 211 00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:10,980 {\an8}Um, um. 212 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,399 W-What can I do? Who can I blame? 213 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,651 Coastal elites? Avocado socialists? 214 00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:17,737 The boy? [gasps] I got it! 215 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,364 Mr. Mayor, the blame falls squarely 216 00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:24,869 on the shoulders of the crossing guards' inadequate budget. 217 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,245 We need more money! 218 00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,165 More money? 219 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:32,585 {\an8}More money for training, for equipment, for overtime. 220 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:36,714 {\an8}So that your children can cross the street safely at 3:00 a.m. if they want to. 221 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,263 Throwing money at a deeply flawed institution is bound to work! 222 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:47,516 Um. Have you all been huffing evidence powder? 223 00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:51,812 Homer Simpson and his chair jockeys royally screwed the pooch on this one. 224 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:56,025 And now you want to give him more money? That makes absolutely no sense. 225 00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:58,068 Listen up, "wokester." 226 00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:00,404 Guys like me are the last line of defense 227 00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:05,201 between your schoolkids and guys like me who text when they drive! 228 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:10,998 And if you don't like it, you can jaywalk your ass back to Portland. 229 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:13,417 Wha... 230 00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:16,754 All in favor of me pulling a political 180 on this issue 231 00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:20,132 and giving the crossing guards a blank check, say aye. 232 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,301 - Aye! - Nay! 233 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,345 Somebody get my enormous checkbook. 234 00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:27,598 It worked. 235 00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:30,142 Maybe I should have asked them for more just in case. 236 00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,394 And, uh, here's some more just in case. 237 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,653 Ooh! These Bean Bag Bazookas can shatter a minivan windshield. 238 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,739 {\an8}And it comes with a Bean Bag Bandolier. 239 00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:46,659 Look at you and your huge budget. 240 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,955 My big strong leader in the streets and in the sheets. 241 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,873 The bedsheets. 242 00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:55,751 I like that we kept our sunglasses on last night. 243 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,545 I couldn't see a thing. 244 00:13:57,545 --> 00:14:00,381 {\an8}Wow, look at all this cool stuff. 245 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:03,551 You are an all-powerful crossing god. 246 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,886 I thought you said badges were lame. 247 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,264 Hey, like everyone who comes into a ton of cash, 248 00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,975 I flip-flop to the side of authority. 249 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,312 Oh. You're charging me, Francine? 250 00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:17,565 Even though I keep your kids safe every morning? 251 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,485 Aiden, Charlotte, nearsighted Nicholas. 252 00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,279 Oh, I'm sorry. It's on the house. 253 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,030 Thank you for your service, hero. 254 00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:28,325 I don't even have kids, but this guy scares me. 255 00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:30,369 Um, Dad, 256 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:35,708 I worry that this massive increase in money and power is subtly corrupting you. 257 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,127 Oh, honey, relax. 258 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,588 There's nothing subtle about it. 259 00:15:03,652 --> 00:15:05,362 Move, move, move! 260 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:08,782 {\an8}Nice job, Squeaks. 261 00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:12,912 {\an8}Moleman, you got a couple of SJWs-- suspected jaywalkers-- at three o'clock. 262 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,331 {\an8}Engage with extreme hostility. 263 00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:16,415 {\an8}Copy. 264 00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:19,627 {\an8}Gun safety and body cam off. 265 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:25,049 Mmm. Simpson and his orange shirts are harassing citizens 266 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,676 with complete disregard for their civil rights. 267 00:15:27,676 --> 00:15:31,847 I'm up to my eyeballs in angry emails and nine-figure lawsuits. 268 00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:37,311 Well, you could always, uh, decrease their budget a bit. 269 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:38,479 Defund us? 270 00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:42,107 My department does not have too much money. 271 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:44,735 How did you know what we were talking about? 272 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,279 Uh. Surveillance satellite. 273 00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:51,992 Aw, geez. We wanted one of those! 274 00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:53,744 {\an8}Uh, Captain Simpson, 275 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:57,998 {\an8}your crossing guards now take up the vast majority of this town's budget. 276 00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:03,671 {\an8}We have no choice but to trim your budget by 1.5%. 277 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:07,132 One point-- 278 00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:12,429 Sir, you're about to learn the crossing guards are uncrossable. 279 00:16:15,265 --> 00:16:18,811 Where is the nice man who helps us cross? 280 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,271 I heard he lost his funding. 281 00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,399 Let's just go by ourselves. 282 00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:30,531 Welcome to Mayor Quimby's Springfield. 283 00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:33,701 two less kids. 284 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:37,037 Quimby and his fat cop cronies wanna flood the streets with DoorDashers, 285 00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:40,541 rolling stoppers and yellow light speeder-uppers. 286 00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:45,421 Joe Quimby: bad for Springfield, worse for America. 287 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,256 {\an8}Paid for by the money we got from Quimby. 288 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,924 A smear ad? 289 00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:51,343 It's not even an election year. 290 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,428 Is it? 291 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:57,224 Homer Simpson can bully this town, its citizens and their young children, 292 00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,560 but he cannot bully me. 293 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,646 Clancy, shut him down. 294 00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,648 With pleasure. 295 00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:10,529 My anti-Quimby ad got a million likes on my Thin Orange Line Facebook page. 296 00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,656 Look at all these supportive comments. 297 00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:15,868 "Murder Quimby"? "Dismember Quimby"? 298 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,620 "Go back in time and kill baby Quimby"? 299 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:22,166 Ah, the Internet: the marketplace of ideas. 300 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:25,753 You're endangering the lives of public officials. 301 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,337 Oh, come on. 302 00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:29,048 I'm just slinging a little mud. 303 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,550 What's the worst that could happen? 304 00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,803 Dear God. 305 00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:39,892 {\an8}That chair was my best friend on the force. 306 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,102 Who would dare do this? 307 00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:43,979 Me would dare. 308 00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:47,608 When you mess with the pig, you get the snout. 309 00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:51,111 This is a chair too far, Wiggum. 310 00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:55,074 My crossing guards and your cops need to settle this once and for all 311 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:58,160 at the most dangerous place in town. 312 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,204 What, that Brunchausen by Loxy place 313 00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,331 that's been poisoning everyone for attention? 314 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:06,168 No, the six-way intersection. 315 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,005 Well, well. 316 00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:14,176 I thought cops only showed up after something bad happens. 317 00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:18,680 We are sick of you crossing guards 318 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,392 and your unaccountable, super macho, hypersensitive, 319 00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:25,646 crazily militarized malarkey. 320 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,147 That's our thing, damn it. 321 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:29,608 No, that's our thing. 322 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,193 Who the hell are you? 323 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:35,906 We're ICE, keeping this country safe from cleaning ladies and college-age Dreamers. 324 00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,491 We're America's heroes. 325 00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,326 You wish, kid cagers. 326 00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:40,577 It's the TSA. 327 00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:45,374 We keep this country safe, one confiscated shampoo bottle at a time. 328 00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:48,043 {\an8}Think again, shoe sniffers. 329 00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:52,256 {\an8}The only force holding society together is America's meter maids. 330 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,299 {\an8}And meter butlers. 331 00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,926 No, it's us. 332 00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:59,638 Overzealous neighborhood watch guys in right-to-carry states. 333 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,807 Whoops. Sorry, Clem. 334 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,896 You all think you keep America safe? 335 00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:12,067 Pfft. How? By hassling grandmas and wrecking quinceañeras? 336 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,486 By grazing my junk with your wand? 337 00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:18,949 Or arresting bank robbers who rob banks? 338 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:22,703 Unlike all of you, I've earned the right to feel godlike. 339 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,038 I've actually saved a life. 340 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:27,875 Um. We save lives every day, bruh. 341 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,126 {\an8}Shut up, lifeguards. 342 00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:30,460 {\an8}This is a land argument. 343 00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,422 But if the rest of you wanna get nuts, then come on. 344 00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,798 Let's get nuts. 345 00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:38,635 But mark my words, before you cross the crossing guards, 346 00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:41,597 you better look both wa-- 347 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:45,225 Hey, everybody. I'm back. I-- 348 00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:46,310 Uh-oh. 349 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,773 Am I gonna go to jail now? 350 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,400 I wouldn't dream of it. 351 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,780 Well, I hope you learned a valuable lesson, Dad. 352 00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,407 Absolute power cor-- 353 00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:01,909 Is the best kind of power there is? 354 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,577 Is a warm Bean Bag Bazooka? 355 00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:07,915 Does bad things to society and does strange things to me. 356 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,166 No. 357 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:13,837 Once you militarized the crossing guards, they became an army in search of an enemy. 358 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,757 And if the only tool you have is a hammer, 359 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,760 then everything starts to look like a nail. 360 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,762 Perhaps. But on the other hand-- 361 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,224 - Mom. - Gotcha. 362 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,351 Bart, say, "Excuse me." 363 00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:31,146 I don't care if he says, "Excuse me." I want him not to burp in my face! 364 00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,398 - Lighten up, Lis. - Is it so much to ask? 365 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,651 - I'm not gonna apologize. - He always does this. 366 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,528 - Must hammer nails. - Have you smelled that burp? 367 00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:40,697 {\an8}♪ If I had a hammer ♪ 368 00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:43,659 {\an8}♪ I'd hammer in the morning ♪ 369 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,123 Shh!