1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,045 [dramatic theme music plays] 2 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,883 [thunder rumbles] 3 00:00:08,883 --> 00:00:10,135 [trolls grunting] 4 00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:11,970 [troll] No! 5 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:17,350 {\an8}[pants] 6 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:20,854 {\an8}Finally. A galaxy without trolls. 7 00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:22,355 {\an8}Huh? 8 00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:24,232 {\an8}[shouts] 9 00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,277 {\an8}[grunting] 10 00:00:31,322 --> 00:00:37,495 {\an8}[grunts] Your reign of muscly heroism ends here, Flexulon. 11 00:00:37,495 --> 00:00:38,913 {\an8}[horse whinnies] 12 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,207 {\an8}[shouts] 13 00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,753 {\an8}- [whinnies] - [shouts] 14 00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:50,341 {\an8}Soar high, my golden friend. For today, we die another day. 15 00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:51,676 {\an8}[laughing] 16 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:55,889 {\an8}[Otto laughing] 17 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,850 {\an8}[laughs] 18 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:03,271 {\an8}Next stop, the dank, sticky jungles of Bong-ulon Five! 19 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,523 {\an8}- [tires squeal] - [Otto laughs] 20 00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:09,277 {\an8}Dude, you shouldn't have let him eat that whole pan of acid brownies. 21 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:14,491 {\an8}In my defense, I-I thought it'd be cool, and I was right! 22 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:22,040 {\an8}So, since Otto has disappeared with our bus and our brownie pans, 23 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,418 {\an8}parents will have to drive their own children to school. 24 00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:28,171 {\an8}- [Chief Wiggum] Come on. - [Dr. Hibbert] I'm not doing that though. 25 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,298 {\an8}Well, fewer of you would have to drive 26 00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:33,051 {\an8}if you sat down and arranged a carpool schedule. 27 00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:34,135 {\an8}[all shouting] 28 00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:36,137 {\an8}[parent] I'll kill you! 29 00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:40,225 {\an8}Or your children could walk to school so none of you have to do anything. 30 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,060 {\an8}- [Kirk] I like that option. - [Chief Wiggum] Yeah. 31 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,269 {\an8}Walking it is. 32 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:47,232 {\an8}However, we do need one parent volunteer to complete our team 33 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,150 {\an8}of noble crossing guards. 34 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:50,485 [Moleman grunts] 35 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,404 Just, uh, one engaged parent is all we need. 36 00:01:53,404 --> 00:01:55,240 - [murmuring] - [Dr. Hibbert] I'm too busy right now. 37 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:59,661 Hell yeah. You know I'm in. I've been waiting for this my whole life. 38 00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,371 Homer Simpson. Wonderful. 39 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,206 Hmm? What did he say? 40 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,917 I was watching the trailer for the Revenge of the Nerds reboot. 41 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:08,169 John Cena is playing Booger. 42 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:11,589 Homer, you just volunteered. 43 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:12,966 Dear God! 44 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,677 No! Stop! Yield! 45 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:19,097 Well, he's got the lingo down. This guy's a natural. 46 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,181 [bird squawks] 47 00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:22,725 Now I gotta wake up at the butt crack of dawn 48 00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:26,271 to walk loser kids across some loser street. 49 00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:28,773 [sighs] Never have children, Lenny. 50 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:32,402 [chuckles] You don't have to worry about that. See, I was born without-- 51 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,778 - [beeping] - [alarm blaring] 52 00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:37,657 What the-- We've got a code blue in 7-G. Repeat, code blue. 53 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,200 [blaring continues] 54 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:43,621 [groans] Anyhoo, you notice there's an apple for sale in the vending machine? 55 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:46,166 [chuckles] I mean, who would buy that? 56 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,794 Double the coolant levels. Now! 57 00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:50,879 I'm on it. 58 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,463 Backup pumps on standby. 59 00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,841 Carlson, decrease the steam valve by 60P. 60 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,134 Leonard, the control rods. 61 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,678 You, Glasses, pray for all our souls. 62 00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:01,014 Now, switch generators on my count. 63 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,141 Five. Four. 64 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:06,895 Three. Two. 65 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,189 Implement. 66 00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:11,065 [machinery powers down] 67 00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:14,152 [all laughing] 68 00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:16,821 - We did it! - Boola, boola. 69 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:21,784 [clears throat] Um, fellas, I'm the nuclear safety guy, right? 70 00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:25,580 Shouldn't my console have been doing all that beepy stuff? 71 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,666 - [Lenny] Yeah, um-- Uh. Uh. - Um. Mmm. Uh. You see-- 72 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:32,212 We kinda made it so that just my console does that now. 73 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:36,966 We just figured we'd lighten your load, buddy. Since you already do so much. 74 00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:38,760 Like the March Madness brackets. 75 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,764 And you're the go-getter who implemented jean-short Wednesdays. 76 00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:48,019 Are you guys saying I've never kept anyone safe? 77 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:51,648 Oh, sure you have, Homer. Just by not doing anything. 78 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,609 [groans] 79 00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,406 My console isn't even plugged in. 80 00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:05,328 I opened it, and it's full of cleaning supplies and unsold Mr. Burns Funkos. 81 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:11,167 Aw. This whole time I thought I mattered, but I don't, and I never did. 82 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:16,506 Well, you matter to me, especially since it's Wednesday night. 83 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:19,926 - Oh. Right. Scheduled sex. - [Marge] Mmm. 84 00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,469 - [kissing] - [Marge moaning] 85 00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:23,263 [Homer] Okay. Here we go. 86 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,014 [kissing] 87 00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,516 Just give me a second here. 88 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,851 Come on. Come on. Just-- Almost. 89 00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,603 [Homer grunting] 90 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:35,400 Uh, sweetie? It seems like your lightsaber doesn't wanna go "shwoom." 91 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,278 Did you go Han Solo earlier tonight? 92 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:41,322 Aw. I guess I'm useless everywhere. 93 00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:45,702 I'm just gonna stay in bed tomorrow and suck my nightstand ketchup packets. 94 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:51,416 Actually, you have to wake up at 6:00 to be a crossing guard. 95 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,500 D'oh! 96 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,586 - What do you guys think happened to Otto? - Jail. 97 00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:56,754 - Jail. - Jail. 98 00:04:56,754 --> 00:05:00,925 Maybe he just got tired of always running from the darkness. 99 00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:05,805 Oh, God. There's Dad. Please don't let him embarrass us. 100 00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:11,019 Well, well, time to help the baby brigade cross the road. 101 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,186 [laughing] 102 00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:15,565 - [Lisa] Oh, no. - [Bart groans] 103 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:19,986 I deserve your respect, you little jerks! 104 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,197 Stupid kids. 105 00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:27,660 Without me, they'd be stuck on one side of the street for the rest of their lives. 106 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:31,622 Ha-ha! [singsongy] Got your octagonal sign. 107 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:34,834 Hey! Give me that. I need it to tell cars what to do. Stop! 108 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,004 No, you stop. [laughs] 109 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,422 D'oh! 110 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,590 [laughing] 111 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,345 I'm a streetwalker. 112 00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:50,016 Oh, no. I'm late for my AA meeting. 113 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,642 [engine revving] 114 00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,478 Hey there, gorgeous! 115 00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:55,772 [Homer] Hmm? 116 00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,233 [Homer grunts] 117 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:01,986 - Whoa. - Whoa. 118 00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:04,781 My whole life just flashed through my pants. 119 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:09,202 Way to go, Homer! You just saved this balding little scamp's life. 120 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,704 - All right, Homer! - You did it, Dad! 121 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,915 How about one for the paper, Mr. S? 122 00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:17,293 I saved someone's life. 123 00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:20,630 You hear that, world? Homer Simpson matters! 124 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,673 - [Milhouse] No, wait! No! - [Nelson] Whoa! No! 125 00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:25,134 Oh. Right. How about one of these? 126 00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,136 - [Homer] Whoo! - [Ralph] Whee! 127 00:06:27,136 --> 00:06:28,262 [Homer grunting] 128 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:29,430 [Ralph] Whee! 129 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:34,268 The last two endangered pandas on Earth died today 130 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:37,980 in what zoo investigators are calling a grisly murder-suicide. 131 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:41,317 {\an8}Adios, pandas. We'll see you at the crossroads. 132 00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:43,736 We wrap up tonight's nightly reading of horrors 133 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:48,324 with a new optimistic segment I like to call, "Chicken Soup for the News." 134 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,078 The small-town crossing guard... [chuckles] 135 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,832 ...a job most Americans consider as charming as it is pointless, 136 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:58,960 {\an8}until last week, when local hero Homer Simpson 137 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,922 {\an8}risked his life to save one pumpkin-headed little boy. 138 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:06,592 {\an8}And now Simpson has become something of a curbside celebrity. 139 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:10,012 {\an8}What can Springfield do to show its love and appreciation 140 00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:11,681 {\an8}for local crossing guards? 141 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,350 {\an8}I don't know. I guess we could use some new equipment. 142 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,436 {\an8}These lawn chairs aren't very comfy, 143 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,522 and these old sashes don't exactly lift and support. 144 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:23,401 But you know what, Kent? Keeping kids safe is its own reward. 145 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:26,362 God bless that saintly dough ball. 146 00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:30,867 That's it. I'm giving Springfield's crossing guards an actual budget. 147 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,869 Not for self-serving political reasons, 148 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:36,956 but because I'm a man of principle who wants to do good in the world. 149 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,001 Joseph, your turn on the sex chessboard. 150 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,587 We can't very well play without our king. 151 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,589 Though the bishop may try. 152 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,508 [Learned Pervert grunting] 153 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,848 Wow. Look at all this orange swag. 154 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:57,727 And that's just the beginning. Now you'll be getting a full-time salary. 155 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,979 Sweet Cellophane Sally! 156 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:04,442 First, I get paid to be the timer at a chess-themed sex orgy, and now this! 157 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:07,195 Homer, as the fella whose heroism got us here, 158 00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:10,323 I nominate you as crossing guard captain. 159 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,204 - [Marge] Ooh. - [Lisa] Whoa. 160 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:19,040 Look at my handsome man in uniform. 161 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,625 I don't know, Homer. 162 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:23,544 The only people that wear badges are power-hungry chumps 163 00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:25,671 who want to keep the little guy down. 164 00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:28,799 Are you talking about that security guard at the supermarket? 165 00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:31,135 I wasn't trying to break the gumball machine. 166 00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:33,221 I was just trying to shake out a purple. 167 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,847 Well, I'm proud of you, Dad. 168 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:38,851 Volunteering to serve the community is the highest calling there is. 169 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:40,144 You know what's even better? 170 00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:43,856 Volunteering for money! We're getting paid now. 171 00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,234 I even got a budget for ten more guards, 172 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:49,153 and I'm only gonna hire the best and the brightest. 173 00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:50,738 All right, rookies. 174 00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:53,616 Not all of you are going to make it through training. 175 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,953 Look to your left. Now look to your right. 176 00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:59,163 That's how you know if a car is coming. 177 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:00,706 That concludes your training. 178 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:05,711 Hey, uh, Homer. I-I can't thank you enough for saving my Ralphie's life. 179 00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:08,631 Of course, Chief. Just doing my job. 180 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:12,843 You ever need a parking ticket thrown out or someone else's DNA left somewhere, 181 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,428 you just let me know. 182 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:15,930 Hmm. [humming] 183 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:20,518 Arr, Captain, he didn't seek your permission to cross the seven stripes. 184 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:24,146 Crossing Guard Stu thinks he's undermining you. 185 00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:25,231 [Homer] Mmm. 186 00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,191 - Where's the fire, buddy? - [shouts] 187 00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:29,193 Do you know how jay you were walking there, sir? 188 00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:31,195 I-I-I don't know what that means. 189 00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:32,488 All right, wise guy. 190 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:34,407 I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the curb 191 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,200 and keep your feet where I can see them. 192 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,035 I can't even see 'em. 193 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,287 Sir, calm down. 194 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,872 Look, I can let you off with a warning this time, 195 00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:44,875 but just so you know, I run these streets. 196 00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:47,211 I-- Wha-- No, you d-- I do! 197 00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:49,964 Well, I run all the parts between the curbs. Got it? 198 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,799 Ooh. These are nice. 199 00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:55,219 I'm gonna hold on to them, unless you have a problem with that. 200 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:59,724 Yeah, no. No problem at all, um, uh, "Cross-ifer." Just h-have a nice day. 201 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:04,478 Stupid crossing guards think they're so tough with their cool orange vests. 202 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:09,275 Another curb kept safe by Captain Homer J. Simpson. 203 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,359 Boys. 204 00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:12,403 ["Ali; Funky Thing" playing] 205 00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:18,534 [laughing] 206 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,494 [music fades out] 207 00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:23,539 Uh, h-here's that pitcher you asked for, Squeaky Voice. 208 00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:26,042 That's Mr. Teen to you, rookie. 209 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,210 These new guys got no respect. 210 00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:31,297 It ain't like when we started three weeks ago. 211 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,090 Homer, I've been trying to reach you. 212 00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:37,053 {\an8}Whoa there, Skinner. This bar is crossing guards only now. 213 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,805 {\an8}I don't even let Lenny and Carl in here no more. 214 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,975 Y-Yeah, but did you read my urgent memo? 215 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:46,270 Tomorrow is the science fair, bake sale and picture day. 216 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,814 Morning drop-off will be very challenging. 217 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,400 Now, uh, I'm not telling you how to do your job-- 218 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,235 Are you telling me how to do my job? 219 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:56,280 No, I specifically said I'm not telling you how to do your job. 220 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,450 That's enough, Principal What's-Your-Face. 221 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,952 No pedestrians allowed. 222 00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:06,290 But, Homer, if we don't get this right, it could be pandemonium. 223 00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,376 [scoffs] Pandemonium. 224 00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,002 {\an8}It's pandemonium, folks. 225 00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:12,672 {\an8}This is Arnie Pye reporting live, high above 226 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:16,967 {\an8}an elementary school traffic jam turned all-out scholastic fracas. 227 00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:19,804 Surely, this town's handsomely paid crossing guards 228 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,807 can bring order to this Monday morning mayhem. 229 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:24,225 Oh. Oh. 230 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:26,227 Guys, stop it! 231 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,311 [whimpers] 232 00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:30,856 [shouting] 233 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,028 The punching is making things worse. 234 00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,948 Don't make me blow my whistle at you. 235 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,032 Captain Simpson! 236 00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:43,160 The shaking of my car is dangerously close to mixing 237 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,955 the hydrogen peroxide, yeast and dish soap within. 238 00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,039 So? 239 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:51,043 Those ingredients create a fascinating yet volatile substance known as... 240 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,506 elephant toothpaste. 241 00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,428 This was the most expensive, destructive and disgusting riot 242 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,179 since the Isotopes won the pennant. 243 00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,264 Go, Topes! 244 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:07,393 Crossing Guard Captain Homer Simpson, what do you have to say for yourself? 245 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,228 {\an8}- Yeah, what? - You suck! 246 00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:10,980 {\an8}Um, um. 247 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,399 W-What can I do? Who can I blame? 248 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,651 Coastal elites? Avocado socialists? 249 00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:17,737 The boy? [gasps] I got it! 250 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,364 Mr. Mayor, the blame falls squarely 251 00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:24,869 on the shoulders of the crossing guards' inadequate budget. 252 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,245 We need more money! 253 00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,165 More money? 254 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:32,585 {\an8}More money for training, for equipment, for overtime. 255 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:36,714 {\an8}So that your children can cross the street safely at 3:00 a.m. if they want to. 256 00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:38,215 [murmuring] 257 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,263 Throwing money at a deeply flawed institution is bound to work! 258 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:47,516 Um. Have you all been huffing evidence powder? 259 00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:51,812 Homer Simpson and his chair jockeys royally screwed the pooch on this one. 260 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:56,025 And now you want to give him more money? That makes absolutely no sense. 261 00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:58,068 Listen up, "wokester." 262 00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:00,404 Guys like me are the last line of defense 263 00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:05,201 between your schoolkids and guys like me who text when they drive! 264 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:10,998 And if you don't like it, you can jaywalk your ass back to Portland. 265 00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:12,249 [cheering] 266 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:13,417 Wha... 267 00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:16,754 All in favor of me pulling a political 180 on this issue 268 00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:20,132 and giving the crossing guards a blank check, say aye. 269 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,301 - [all] Aye! - Nay! 270 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,345 Somebody get my enormous checkbook. 271 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,514 [cheering] 272 00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:27,598 It worked. 273 00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:30,142 Maybe I should have asked them for more just in case. 274 00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,394 And, uh, here's some more just in case. 275 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,653 Ooh! These Bean Bag Bazookas can shatter a minivan windshield. 276 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,739 {\an8}[gasps] And it comes with a Bean Bag Bandolier. 277 00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:46,659 Look at you and your huge budget. 278 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,955 My big strong leader in the streets and in the sheets. 279 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,873 The bedsheets. 280 00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:55,751 I like that we kept our sunglasses on last night. 281 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,545 I couldn't see a thing. 282 00:13:57,545 --> 00:14:00,381 {\an8}Wow, look at all this cool stuff. 283 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:03,551 You are an all-powerful crossing god. 284 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,886 I thought you said badges were lame. 285 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,264 Hey, like everyone who comes into a ton of cash, 286 00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,975 I flip-flop to the side of authority. 287 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,312 Oh. You're charging me, Francine? 288 00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:17,565 Even though I keep your kids safe every morning? 289 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,485 Aiden, Charlotte, nearsighted Nicholas. 290 00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,279 Oh, I'm sorry. It's on the house. 291 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,030 Thank you for your service, hero. 292 00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:28,325 [sighs] I don't even have kids, but this guy scares me. 293 00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:30,369 Um, Dad, 294 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:35,708 I worry that this massive increase in money and power is subtly corrupting you. 295 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,127 - [chuckles] - Oh, honey, relax. 296 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,588 There's nothing subtle about it. 297 00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,840 ["Won't Get Fooled Again" playing] 298 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,232 [music ends] 299 00:15:03,652 --> 00:15:05,362 - [tires screech] - Move, move, move! 300 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:06,947 [pedestrians shouting, panting] 301 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:08,782 {\an8}Nice job, Squeaks. 302 00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:12,912 {\an8}Moleman, you got a couple of SJWs-- suspected jaywalkers-- at three o'clock. 303 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,331 {\an8}Engage with extreme hostility. 304 00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:16,415 {\an8}[Moleman] Copy. 305 00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:19,627 {\an8}Gun safety and body cam off. 306 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,337 {\an8}[gunshots] 307 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:25,049 Mmm. Simpson and his orange shirts are harassing citizens 308 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,676 with complete disregard for their civil rights. 309 00:15:27,676 --> 00:15:31,847 I'm up to my eyeballs in angry emails and nine-figure lawsuits. 310 00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:37,311 Well, you could always, uh, decrease their budget a bit. 311 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:38,479 Defund us? 312 00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:39,563 [both yelp] 313 00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:42,107 My department does not have too much money. 314 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:44,735 How did you know what we were talking about? 315 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,279 Uh. Surveillance satellite. 316 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:48,822 [beeping] 317 00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:51,992 Aw, geez. We wanted one of those! 318 00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:53,744 {\an8}Uh, Captain Simpson, 319 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:57,998 {\an8}your crossing guards now take up the vast majority of this town's budget. 320 00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:03,671 {\an8}We have no choice but to trim your budget by 1.5%. 321 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:07,132 [stammers] One point-- [stammers] 322 00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:12,429 Sir, you're about to learn the crossing guards are uncrossable. 323 00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:13,514 [rat squeaking] 324 00:16:15,265 --> 00:16:18,811 Where is the nice man who helps us cross? 325 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,271 I heard he lost his funding. 326 00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,399 Let's just go by ourselves. 327 00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:25,192 [engine revving] 328 00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,276 [screaming] 329 00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:30,531 [Homer] Welcome to Mayor Quimby's Springfield. 330 00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:33,701 Population: two less kids. 331 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:37,037 Quimby and his fat cop cronies wanna flood the streets with DoorDashers, 332 00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:40,541 rolling stoppers and yellow light speeder-uppers. 333 00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:45,421 Joe Quimby: bad for Springfield, worse for America. 334 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,256 {\an8}Paid for by the money we got from Quimby. 335 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,924 A smear ad? 336 00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:51,343 It's not even an election year. 337 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,428 Is it? 338 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:57,224 Homer Simpson can bully this town, its citizens and their young children, 339 00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,560 but he cannot bully me. 340 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,646 Clancy, shut him down. 341 00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,648 With pleasure. 342 00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:05,899 [gasps] 343 00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:10,529 My anti-Quimby ad got a million likes on my Thin Orange Line Facebook page. 344 00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,656 Look at all these supportive comments. 345 00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:15,868 "Murder Quimby"? "Dismember Quimby"? 346 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,620 "Go back in time and kill baby Quimby"? 347 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:22,166 Ah, the Internet: the marketplace of ideas. 348 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:25,753 You're endangering the lives of public officials. 349 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,337 Oh, come on. 350 00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:29,048 I'm just slinging a little mud. 351 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,550 - What's the worst that could happen? - [glass shatters] 352 00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,803 [gasps] Dear God. 353 00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:39,892 {\an8}That chair was my best friend on the force. 354 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,102 Who would dare do this? 355 00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:43,979 [Chief Wiggum] Me would dare. 356 00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:47,608 When you mess with the pig, you get the snout. 357 00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:51,111 This is a chair too far, Wiggum. 358 00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:55,074 My crossing guards and your cops need to settle this once and for all 359 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:58,160 at the most dangerous place in town. 360 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,204 What, that Brunchausen by Loxy place 361 00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,331 that's been poisoning everyone for attention? 362 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:06,168 No, the six-way intersection. 363 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,005 Well, well. 364 00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:14,176 I thought cops only showed up after something bad happens. 365 00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,344 [laughing] 366 00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:18,680 We are sick of you crossing guards 367 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,392 and your unaccountable, super macho, hypersensitive, 368 00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:25,646 crazily militarized malarkey. 369 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,147 That's our thing, damn it. 370 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:29,608 No, that's our thing. 371 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,193 Who the hell are you? 372 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:35,906 We're ICE, keeping this country safe from cleaning ladies and college-age Dreamers. 373 00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,491 We're America's heroes. 374 00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,326 You wish, kid cagers. 375 00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:40,577 It's the TSA. 376 00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:45,374 We keep this country safe, one confiscated shampoo bottle at a time. 377 00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:48,043 {\an8}Think again, shoe sniffers. 378 00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:52,256 {\an8}The only force holding society together is America's meter maids. 379 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,299 {\an8}And meter butlers. 380 00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,926 No, it's us. 381 00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:59,638 Overzealous neighborhood watch guys in right-to-carry states. 382 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,807 - [shouts, groans] - Whoops. Sorry, Clem. 383 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,308 [all shouting] 384 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,060 [air horn blares] 385 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,896 You all think you keep America safe? 386 00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:12,067 Pfft. How? By hassling grandmas and wrecking quinceañeras? 387 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,486 By grazing my junk with your wand? 388 00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:18,949 Or arresting bank robbers who rob banks? 389 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:22,703 Unlike all of you, I've earned the right to feel godlike. 390 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,038 I've actually saved a life. 391 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:27,875 [person] Um. We save lives every day, bruh. 392 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,126 {\an8}Shut up, lifeguards. 393 00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:30,460 {\an8}This is a land argument. 394 00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,422 But if the rest of you wanna get nuts, then come on. 395 00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,798 Let's get nuts. 396 00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:38,635 But mark my words, before you cross the crossing guards, 397 00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:41,597 you better look both wa-- 398 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:42,681 [grunts] 399 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:45,225 Hey, everybody. I'm back. I-- 400 00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:46,310 Uh-oh. 401 00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,103 [Homer groaning] 402 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,773 Am I gonna go to jail now? 403 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,400 I wouldn't dream of it. 404 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,152 [cheering] 405 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,780 Well, I hope you learned a valuable lesson, Dad. 406 00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,407 Absolute power cor-- 407 00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:01,909 Is the best kind of power there is? 408 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,577 Is a warm Bean Bag Bazooka? 409 00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:07,915 Does bad things to society and does strange things to me. 410 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,166 No. 411 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:13,837 Once you militarized the crossing guards, they became an army in search of an enemy. 412 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,757 And if the only tool you have is a hammer, 413 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,760 then everything starts to look like a nail. 414 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,762 Perhaps. But on the other hand-- 415 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,055 [belches, laughs] 416 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,224 - [groans] Mom. - [chuckling] Gotcha. 417 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,351 Bart, say, "Excuse me." 418 00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:31,146 I don't care if he says, "Excuse me." I want him not to burp in my face! 419 00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,398 - Lighten up, Lis. - [Lisa] Is it so much to ask? 420 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,651 - [Bart] I'm not gonna apologize. - [Lisa] He always does this. 421 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,528 - [Homer] Must hammer nails. - [Lisa] Have you smelled that burp? 422 00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:40,697 {\an8}♪ If I had a hammer ♪ 423 00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:43,659 {\an8}♪ I'd hammer in the morning ♪ 424 00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:45,077 {\an8}[music continues] 425 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,123 Shh!