1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,045
[dramatic theme music plays]
2
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,883
[thunder rumbles]
3
00:00:08,883 --> 00:00:10,135
[trolls grunting]
4
00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:11,970
[troll] No!
5
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:17,350
{\an8}[pants]
6
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:20,854
{\an8}Finally. A galaxy without trolls.
7
00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:22,355
{\an8}Huh?
8
00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:24,232
{\an8}[shouts]
9
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,277
{\an8}[grunting]
10
00:00:31,322 --> 00:00:37,495
{\an8}[grunts] Your reign of muscly
heroism ends here, Flexulon.
11
00:00:37,495 --> 00:00:38,913
{\an8}[horse whinnies]
12
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,207
{\an8}[shouts]
13
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,753
{\an8}- [whinnies]
- [shouts]
14
00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:50,341
{\an8}Soar high, my golden friend.
For today, we die another day.
15
00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:51,676
{\an8}[laughing]
16
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:55,889
{\an8}[Otto laughing]
17
00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,850
{\an8}[laughs]
18
00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:03,271
{\an8}Next stop, the dank,
sticky jungles of Bong-ulon Five!
19
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,523
{\an8}- [tires squeal]
- [Otto laughs]
20
00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:09,277
{\an8}Dude, you shouldn't have let him eat
that whole pan of acid brownies.
21
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:14,491
{\an8}In my defense, I-I thought it'd be cool,
and I was right!
22
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:22,040
{\an8}So, since Otto has disappeared
with our bus and our brownie pans,
23
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,418
{\an8}parents will have to drive
their own children to school.
24
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:28,171
{\an8}- [Chief Wiggum] Come on.
- [Dr. Hibbert] I'm not doing that though.
25
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,298
{\an8}Well, fewer of you would have to drive
26
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:33,051
{\an8}if you sat down
and arranged a carpool schedule.
27
00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:34,135
{\an8}[all shouting]
28
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:36,137
{\an8}[parent] I'll kill you!
29
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:40,225
{\an8}Or your children could walk to school
so none of you have to do anything.
30
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,060
{\an8}- [Kirk] I like that option.
- [Chief Wiggum] Yeah.
31
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,269
{\an8}Walking it is.
32
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:47,232
{\an8}However, we do need one parent volunteer
to complete our team
33
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,150
{\an8}of noble crossing guards.
34
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:50,485
[Moleman grunts]
35
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,404
Just, uh, one engaged parent
is all we need.
36
00:01:53,404 --> 00:01:55,240
- [murmuring]
- [Dr. Hibbert] I'm too busy right now.
37
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:59,661
Hell yeah. You know I'm in.
I've been waiting for this my whole life.
38
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,371
Homer Simpson. Wonderful.
39
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,206
Hmm? What did he say?
40
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,917
I was watching the trailer
for the Revenge of the Nerds reboot.
41
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:08,169
John Cena is playing Booger.
42
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:11,589
Homer, you just volunteered.
43
00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:12,966
Dear God!
44
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,677
No! Stop! Yield!
45
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:19,097
Well, he's got the lingo down.
This guy's a natural.
46
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,181
[bird squawks]
47
00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:22,725
Now I gotta wake up
at the butt crack of dawn
48
00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:26,271
to walk loser kids
across some loser street.
49
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:28,773
[sighs] Never have children, Lenny.
50
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:32,402
[chuckles] You don't have to worry
about that. See, I was born without--
51
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,778
- [beeping]
- [alarm blaring]
52
00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:37,657
What the-- We've got a code blue in 7-G.
Repeat, code blue.
53
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,200
[blaring continues]
54
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:43,621
[groans] Anyhoo, you notice there's
an apple for sale in the vending machine?
55
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:46,166
[chuckles] I mean, who would buy that?
56
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,794
Double the coolant levels. Now!
57
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:50,879
I'm on it.
58
00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,463
Backup pumps on standby.
59
00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,841
Carlson, decrease the steam valve by 60P.
60
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,134
Leonard, the control rods.
61
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,678
You, Glasses, pray for all our souls.
62
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:01,014
Now, switch generators on my count.
63
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,141
Five. Four.
64
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:06,895
Three. Two.
65
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,189
Implement.
66
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:11,065
[machinery powers down]
67
00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:14,152
[all laughing]
68
00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:16,821
- We did it!
- Boola, boola.
69
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:21,784
[clears throat] Um, fellas,
I'm the nuclear safety guy, right?
70
00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:25,580
Shouldn't my console
have been doing all that beepy stuff?
71
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,666
- [Lenny] Yeah, um-- Uh. Uh.
- Um. Mmm. Uh. You see--
72
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:32,212
We kinda made it so that
just my console does that now.
73
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:36,966
We just figured we'd lighten your load,
buddy. Since you already do so much.
74
00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:38,760
Like the March Madness brackets.
75
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,764
And you're the go-getter
who implemented jean-short Wednesdays.
76
00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:48,019
Are you guys saying
I've never kept anyone safe?
77
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:51,648
Oh, sure you have, Homer.
Just by not doing anything.
78
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,609
[groans]
79
00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,406
My console isn't even plugged in.
80
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:05,328
I opened it, and it's full of cleaning
supplies and unsold Mr. Burns Funkos.
81
00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:11,167
Aw. This whole time I thought I mattered,
but I don't, and I never did.
82
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:16,506
Well, you matter to me,
especially since it's Wednesday night.
83
00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:19,926
- Oh. Right. Scheduled sex.
- [Marge] Mmm.
84
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,469
- [kissing]
- [Marge moaning]
85
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:23,263
[Homer] Okay. Here we go.
86
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,014
[kissing]
87
00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,516
Just give me a second here.
88
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,851
Come on. Come on. Just-- Almost.
89
00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,603
[Homer grunting]
90
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:35,400
Uh, sweetie? It seems like your lightsaber
doesn't wanna go "shwoom."
91
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,278
Did you go Han Solo earlier tonight?
92
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:41,322
Aw. I guess I'm useless everywhere.
93
00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:45,702
I'm just gonna stay in bed tomorrow
and suck my nightstand ketchup packets.
94
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:51,416
Actually, you have to wake up at 6:00
to be a crossing guard.
95
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,500
D'oh!
96
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,586
- What do you guys think happened to Otto?
- Jail.
97
00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:56,754
- Jail.
- Jail.
98
00:04:56,754 --> 00:05:00,925
Maybe he just got tired of
always running from the darkness.
99
00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:05,805
Oh, God. There's Dad.
Please don't let him embarrass us.
100
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:11,019
Well, well, time to help
the baby brigade cross the road.
101
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,186
[laughing]
102
00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:15,565
- [Lisa] Oh, no.
- [Bart groans]
103
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:19,986
I deserve your respect, you little jerks!
104
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,197
Stupid kids.
105
00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:27,660
Without me, they'd be stuck on one side
of the street for the rest of their lives.
106
00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:31,622
Ha-ha!
[singsongy] Got your octagonal sign.
107
00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:34,834
Hey! Give me that.
I need it to tell cars what to do. Stop!
108
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,004
No, you stop. [laughs]
109
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,422
D'oh!
110
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,590
[laughing]
111
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,345
I'm a streetwalker.
112
00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:50,016
Oh, no. I'm late for my AA meeting.
113
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,642
[engine revving]
114
00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,478
Hey there, gorgeous!
115
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:55,772
[Homer] Hmm?
116
00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,233
[Homer grunts]
117
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:01,986
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
118
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:04,781
My whole life just flashed
through my pants.
119
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:09,202
Way to go, Homer! You just saved
this balding little scamp's life.
120
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,704
- All right, Homer!
- You did it, Dad!
121
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,915
How about one for the paper, Mr. S?
122
00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:17,293
I saved someone's life.
123
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:20,630
You hear that, world?
Homer Simpson matters!
124
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,673
- [Milhouse] No, wait! No!
- [Nelson] Whoa! No!
125
00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:25,134
Oh. Right. How about one of these?
126
00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,136
- [Homer] Whoo!
- [Ralph] Whee!
127
00:06:27,136 --> 00:06:28,262
[Homer grunting]
128
00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:29,430
[Ralph] Whee!
129
00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:34,268
The last two endangered pandas
on Earth died today
130
00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:37,980
in what zoo investigators are calling
a grisly murder-suicide.
131
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:41,317
{\an8}Adios, pandas.
We'll see you at the crossroads.
132
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:43,736
We wrap up tonight's
nightly reading of horrors
133
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:48,324
with a new optimistic segment I like
to call, "Chicken Soup for the News."
134
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,078
The small-town crossing guard... [chuckles]
135
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,832
...a job most Americans consider
as charming as it is pointless,
136
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:58,960
{\an8}until last week,
when local hero Homer Simpson
137
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,922
{\an8}risked his life to save
one pumpkin-headed little boy.
138
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:06,592
{\an8}And now Simpson has become something
of a curbside celebrity.
139
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:10,012
{\an8}What can Springfield do to show
its love and appreciation
140
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:11,681
{\an8}for local crossing guards?
141
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,350
{\an8}I don't know.
I guess we could use some new equipment.
142
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,436
{\an8}These lawn chairs aren't very comfy,
143
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,522
and these old sashes
don't exactly lift and support.
144
00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:23,401
But you know what, Kent?
Keeping kids safe is its own reward.
145
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:26,362
God bless that saintly dough ball.
146
00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:30,867
That's it. I'm giving Springfield's
crossing guards an actual budget.
147
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,869
Not for self-serving political reasons,
148
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:36,956
but because I'm a man of principle
who wants to do good in the world.
149
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,001
Joseph, your turn on the sex chessboard.
150
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,587
We can't very well play without our king.
151
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,589
Though the bishop may try.
152
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,508
[Learned Pervert grunting]
153
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,848
Wow. Look at all this orange swag.
154
00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:57,727
And that's just the beginning.
Now you'll be getting a full-time salary.
155
00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,979
Sweet Cellophane Sally!
156
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:04,442
First, I get paid to be the timer
at a chess-themed sex orgy, and now this!
157
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:07,195
Homer, as the fella
whose heroism got us here,
158
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:10,323
I nominate you as crossing guard captain.
159
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,204
- [Marge] Ooh.
- [Lisa] Whoa.
160
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:19,040
Look at my handsome man in uniform.
161
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,625
I don't know, Homer.
162
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:23,544
The only people that wear badges
are power-hungry chumps
163
00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:25,671
who want to keep the little guy down.
164
00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:28,799
Are you talking about that security guard
at the supermarket?
165
00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:31,135
I wasn't trying to break
the gumball machine.
166
00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:33,221
I was just trying to shake out a purple.
167
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,847
Well, I'm proud of you, Dad.
168
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:38,851
Volunteering to serve the community
is the highest calling there is.
169
00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:40,144
You know what's even better?
170
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:43,856
Volunteering for money!
We're getting paid now.
171
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,234
I even got a budget for ten more guards,
172
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:49,153
and I'm only gonna hire the best
and the brightest.
173
00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:50,738
All right, rookies.
174
00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:53,616
Not all of you are going to
make it through training.
175
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,953
Look to your left. Now look to your right.
176
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:59,163
That's how you know if a car is coming.
177
00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:00,706
That concludes your training.
178
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:05,711
Hey, uh, Homer. I-I can't thank you enough
for saving my Ralphie's life.
179
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:08,631
Of course, Chief. Just doing my job.
180
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:12,843
You ever need a parking ticket thrown out
or someone else's DNA left somewhere,
181
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,428
you just let me know.
182
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:15,930
Hmm. [humming]
183
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:20,518
Arr, Captain, he didn't seek your
permission to cross the seven stripes.
184
00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:24,146
Crossing Guard Stu
thinks he's undermining you.
185
00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:25,231
[Homer] Mmm.
186
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,191
- Where's the fire, buddy?
- [shouts]
187
00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:29,193
Do you know how jay
you were walking there, sir?
188
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:31,195
I-I-I don't know what that means.
189
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:32,488
All right, wise guy.
190
00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:34,407
I'm gonna have to ask you
to step out of the curb
191
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,200
and keep your feet where I can see them.
192
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,035
I can't even see 'em.
193
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,287
Sir, calm down.
194
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,872
Look, I can let you off
with a warning this time,
195
00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:44,875
but just so you know, I run these streets.
196
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:47,211
I-- Wha-- No, you d-- I do!
197
00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:49,964
Well, I run all the parts
between the curbs. Got it?
198
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,799
Ooh. These are nice.
199
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:55,219
I'm gonna hold on to them,
unless you have a problem with that.
200
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:59,724
Yeah, no. No problem at all, um, uh,
"Cross-ifer." Just h-have a nice day.
201
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:04,478
Stupid crossing guards think they're
so tough with their cool orange vests.
202
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:09,275
Another curb kept safe
by Captain Homer J. Simpson.
203
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,359
Boys.
204
00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:12,403
["Ali; Funky Thing" playing]
205
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:18,534
[laughing]
206
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,494
[music fades out]
207
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:23,539
Uh, h-here's that pitcher you asked for,
Squeaky Voice.
208
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:26,042
That's Mr. Teen to you, rookie.
209
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,210
These new guys got no respect.
210
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:31,297
It ain't like when we started
three weeks ago.
211
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,090
Homer, I've been trying to reach you.
212
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:37,053
{\an8}Whoa there, Skinner.
This bar is crossing guards only now.
213
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,805
{\an8}I don't even let Lenny
and Carl in here no more.
214
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,975
Y-Yeah, but did you read my urgent memo?
215
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:46,270
Tomorrow is the science fair,
bake sale and picture day.
216
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,814
Morning drop-off will be very challenging.
217
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,400
Now, uh, I'm not telling you
how to do your job--
218
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,235
Are you telling me how to do my job?
219
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:56,280
No, I specifically said
I'm not telling you how to do your job.
220
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,450
That's enough, Principal What's-Your-Face.
221
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,952
No pedestrians allowed.
222
00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:06,290
But, Homer, if we don't get this right,
it could be pandemonium.
223
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,376
[scoffs] Pandemonium.
224
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,002
{\an8}It's pandemonium, folks.
225
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:12,672
{\an8}This is Arnie Pye reporting live,
high above
226
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:16,967
{\an8}an elementary school traffic jam
turned all-out scholastic fracas.
227
00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:19,804
Surely, this town's handsomely paid
crossing guards
228
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,807
can bring order
to this Monday morning mayhem.
229
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:24,225
Oh. Oh.
230
00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:26,227
Guys, stop it!
231
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,311
[whimpers]
232
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:30,856
[shouting]
233
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,028
The punching is making things worse.
234
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,948
Don't make me blow my whistle at you.
235
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,032
Captain Simpson!
236
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:43,160
The shaking of my car
is dangerously close to mixing
237
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,955
the hydrogen peroxide,
yeast and dish soap within.
238
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,039
So?
239
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:51,043
Those ingredients create a fascinating
yet volatile substance known as...
240
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,506
elephant toothpaste.
241
00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,428
This was the most expensive, destructive
and disgusting riot
242
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,179
since the Isotopes won the pennant.
243
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,264
Go, Topes!
244
00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:07,393
Crossing Guard Captain Homer Simpson,
what do you have to say for yourself?
245
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,228
{\an8}- Yeah, what?
- You suck!
246
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:10,980
{\an8}Um, um.
247
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,399
W-What can I do? Who can I blame?
248
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,651
Coastal elites? Avocado socialists?
249
00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:17,737
The boy? [gasps] I got it!
250
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,364
Mr. Mayor, the blame falls squarely
251
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:24,869
on the shoulders
of the crossing guards' inadequate budget.
252
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,245
We need more money!
253
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,165
More money?
254
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:32,585
{\an8}More money for training, for equipment,
for overtime.
255
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:36,714
{\an8}So that your children can cross the street
safely at 3:00 a.m. if they want to.
256
00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:38,215
[murmuring]
257
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,263
Throwing money at a deeply flawed
institution is bound to work!
258
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:47,516
Um. Have you all been
huffing evidence powder?
259
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:51,812
Homer Simpson and his chair jockeys
royally screwed the pooch on this one.
260
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:56,025
And now you want to give him more money?
That makes absolutely no sense.
261
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:58,068
Listen up, "wokester."
262
00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:00,404
Guys like me are the last line of defense
263
00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:05,201
between your schoolkids
and guys like me who text when they drive!
264
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:10,998
And if you don't like it,
you can jaywalk your ass back to Portland.
265
00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:12,249
[cheering]
266
00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:13,417
Wha...
267
00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:16,754
All in favor of me pulling
a political 180 on this issue
268
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:20,132
and giving the crossing guards
a blank check, say aye.
269
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,301
- [all] Aye!
- Nay!
270
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,345
Somebody get my enormous checkbook.
271
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,514
[cheering]
272
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:27,598
It worked.
273
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:30,142
Maybe I should have asked them
for more just in case.
274
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,394
And, uh, here's some more just in case.
275
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,653
Ooh! These Bean Bag Bazookas
can shatter a minivan windshield.
276
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,739
{\an8}[gasps] And it comes with
a Bean Bag Bandolier.
277
00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:46,659
Look at you and your huge budget.
278
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,955
My big strong leader in the streets
and in the sheets.
279
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,873
The bedsheets.
280
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:55,751
I like that we kept our sunglasses
on last night.
281
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,545
I couldn't see a thing.
282
00:13:57,545 --> 00:14:00,381
{\an8}Wow, look at all this cool stuff.
283
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:03,551
You are an all-powerful crossing god.
284
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,886
I thought you said badges were lame.
285
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,264
Hey, like everyone who comes
into a ton of cash,
286
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,975
I flip-flop to the side of authority.
287
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,312
Oh. You're charging me, Francine?
288
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:17,565
Even though I keep your kids safe
every morning?
289
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,485
Aiden, Charlotte, nearsighted Nicholas.
290
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,279
Oh, I'm sorry. It's on the house.
291
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,030
Thank you for your service, hero.
292
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:28,325
[sighs] I don't even have kids,
but this guy scares me.
293
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:30,369
Um, Dad,
294
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:35,708
I worry that this massive increase in
money and power is subtly corrupting you.
295
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,127
- [chuckles]
- Oh, honey, relax.
296
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,588
There's nothing subtle about it.
297
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,840
["Won't Get Fooled Again" playing]
298
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,232
[music ends]
299
00:15:03,652 --> 00:15:05,362
- [tires screech]
- Move, move, move!
300
00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:06,947
[pedestrians shouting, panting]
301
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:08,782
{\an8}Nice job, Squeaks.
302
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:12,912
{\an8}Moleman, you got a couple of SJWs--
suspected jaywalkers-- at three o'clock.
303
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,331
{\an8}Engage with extreme hostility.
304
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:16,415
{\an8}[Moleman] Copy.
305
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:19,627
{\an8}Gun safety and body cam off.
306
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,337
{\an8}[gunshots]
307
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:25,049
Mmm. Simpson and his orange shirts
are harassing citizens
308
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,676
with complete disregard
for their civil rights.
309
00:15:27,676 --> 00:15:31,847
I'm up to my eyeballs in angry emails
and nine-figure lawsuits.
310
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:37,311
Well, you could always, uh,
decrease their budget a bit.
311
00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:38,479
Defund us?
312
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:39,563
[both yelp]
313
00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:42,107
My department
does not have too much money.
314
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:44,735
How did you know
what we were talking about?
315
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,279
Uh. Surveillance satellite.
316
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:48,822
[beeping]
317
00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:51,992
Aw, geez. We wanted one of those!
318
00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:53,744
{\an8}Uh, Captain Simpson,
319
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:57,998
{\an8}your crossing guards now take up
the vast majority of this town's budget.
320
00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:03,671
{\an8}We have no choice
but to trim your budget by 1.5%.
321
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:07,132
[stammers] One point-- [stammers]
322
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:12,429
Sir, you're about to learn
the crossing guards are uncrossable.
323
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:13,514
[rat squeaking]
324
00:16:15,265 --> 00:16:18,811
Where is the nice man who helps us cross?
325
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,271
I heard he lost his funding.
326
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,399
Let's just go by ourselves.
327
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:25,192
[engine revving]
328
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,276
[screaming]
329
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:30,531
[Homer] Welcome to
Mayor Quimby's Springfield.
330
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:33,701
Population: two less kids.
331
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:37,037
Quimby and his fat cop cronies
wanna flood the streets with DoorDashers,
332
00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:40,541
rolling stoppers
and yellow light speeder-uppers.
333
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:45,421
Joe Quimby:
bad for Springfield, worse for America.
334
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,256
{\an8}Paid for by the money we got from Quimby.
335
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,924
A smear ad?
336
00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:51,343
It's not even an election year.
337
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,428
Is it?
338
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:57,224
Homer Simpson can bully this town,
its citizens and their young children,
339
00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,560
but he cannot bully me.
340
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,646
Clancy, shut him down.
341
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,648
With pleasure.
342
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:05,899
[gasps]
343
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:10,529
My anti-Quimby ad got a million likes
on my Thin Orange Line Facebook page.
344
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,656
Look at all these supportive comments.
345
00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:15,868
"Murder Quimby"? "Dismember Quimby"?
346
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,620
"Go back in time and kill baby Quimby"?
347
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:22,166
Ah, the Internet:
the marketplace of ideas.
348
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:25,753
You're endangering the lives
of public officials.
349
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,337
Oh, come on.
350
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:29,048
I'm just slinging a little mud.
351
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,550
- What's the worst that could happen?
- [glass shatters]
352
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,803
[gasps] Dear God.
353
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:39,892
{\an8}That chair was my best friend
on the force.
354
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,102
Who would dare do this?
355
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:43,979
[Chief Wiggum] Me would dare.
356
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:47,608
When you mess with the pig,
you get the snout.
357
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:51,111
This is a chair too far, Wiggum.
358
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:55,074
My crossing guards and your cops
need to settle this once and for all
359
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:58,160
at the most dangerous place in town.
360
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,204
What, that Brunchausen by Loxy place
361
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,331
that's been poisoning
everyone for attention?
362
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:06,168
No, the six-way intersection.
363
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,005
Well, well.
364
00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:14,176
I thought cops only showed up
after something bad happens.
365
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,344
[laughing]
366
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:18,680
We are sick of you crossing guards
367
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,392
and your unaccountable, super macho, hypersensitive,
368
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:25,646
crazily militarized malarkey.
369
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,147
That's our thing, damn it.
370
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:29,608
No, that's our thing.
371
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,193
Who the hell are you?
372
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:35,906
We're ICE, keeping this country safe from
cleaning ladies and college-age Dreamers.
373
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,491
We're America's heroes.
374
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,326
You wish, kid cagers.
375
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:40,577
It's the TSA.
376
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:45,374
We keep this country safe,
one confiscated shampoo bottle at a time.
377
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:48,043
{\an8}Think again, shoe sniffers.
378
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:52,256
{\an8}The only force holding society together
is America's meter maids.
379
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,299
{\an8}And meter butlers.
380
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,926
No, it's us.
381
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:59,638
Overzealous neighborhood watch guys
in right-to-carry states.
382
00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,807
- [shouts, groans]
- Whoops. Sorry, Clem.
383
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,308
[all shouting]
384
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,060
[air horn blares]
385
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,896
You all think you keep America safe?
386
00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:12,067
Pfft. How? By hassling grandmas
and wrecking quinceañeras?
387
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,486
By grazing my junk with your wand?
388
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:18,949
Or arresting bank robbers who rob banks?
389
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:22,703
Unlike all of you,
I've earned the right to feel godlike.
390
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,038
I've actually saved a life.
391
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:27,875
[person]
Um. We save lives every day, bruh.
392
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,126
{\an8}Shut up, lifeguards.
393
00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:30,460
{\an8}This is a land argument.
394
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,422
But if the rest of you wanna get nuts,
then come on.
395
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,798
Let's get nuts.
396
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:38,635
But mark my words,
before you cross the crossing guards,
397
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:41,597
you better look both wa--
398
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:42,681
[grunts]
399
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:45,225
Hey, everybody. I'm back. I--
400
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:46,310
Uh-oh.
401
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,103
[Homer groaning]
402
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,773
Am I gonna go to jail now?
403
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,400
I wouldn't dream of it.
404
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,152
[cheering]
405
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,780
Well, I hope you learned
a valuable lesson, Dad.
406
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,407
Absolute power cor--
407
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:01,909
Is the best kind of power there is?
408
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,577
Is a warm Bean Bag Bazooka?
409
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:07,915
Does bad things to society
and does strange things to me.
410
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,166
No.
411
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:13,837
Once you militarized the crossing guards,
they became an army in search of an enemy.
412
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,757
And if the only tool you have is a hammer,
413
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,760
then everything
starts to look like a nail.
414
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,762
Perhaps. But on the other hand--
415
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,055
[belches, laughs]
416
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,224
- [groans] Mom.
- [chuckling] Gotcha.
417
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,351
Bart, say, "Excuse me."
418
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:31,146
I don't care if he says, "Excuse me."
I want him not to burp in my face!
419
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,398
- Lighten up, Lis.
- [Lisa] Is it so much to ask?
420
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,651
- [Bart] I'm not gonna apologize.
- [Lisa] He always does this.
421
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,528
- [Homer] Must hammer nails.
- [Lisa] Have you smelled that burp?
422
00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:40,697
{\an8}♪ If I had a hammer ♪
423
00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:43,659
{\an8}♪ I'd hammer in the morning ♪
424
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:45,077
{\an8}[music continues]
425
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,123
Shh!