♪ The Simpsons ♪
[Coach Krupt blows whistle] Hustle up, snot rockets!
Today, we start a unit that will test your physical
and emotional endurance.
- It will make men of you if you survive. - [children gasp]
I speak of social dancing.
[children murmur]
If we dance with girls, that means we'll have to touch them.
My mom says only sheeple wear masks, but I don't care.
Cooties aren't a hoax. They're real! [whimpers]
- Grow up! Maturity! - [grunts]
- Rite of passage! - Ow!
- Change is beautiful! - Ow!
You will learn the touchiest version of the Texas two-step.
Like so.
["Chattahoochee" playing]
[Coach Krupt] Get real close, boys. Body to body. No daylight.
We're gonna get cooties for sure!
I'm gonna find a way to protect us.
Everyone solo dance till I get back!
[music continues]
Perfect.
Quick, put these Band-Aids on your hands. They'll block any and all girl contact.
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
[music fades out]
Ooh, I don't feel so good.
[groans] These Band-Aids smell like my uncle Claude.
Uh-oh.
"Transdermal nicotine"!
[all screaming]
[groaning]
[roars]
[pants]
Well, Bart, you've really wet the mogwai this time.
This wasn't my fault. I didn't know those Band-Aids would make everyone crazy.
You expect me to believe that? Bart Simpson, the Prank King?
The boy who live-streamed my colonoscopy to the second graders?
Hey, Ralph did find that polyp.
It was benign, unlike your punishment.
Oh, fine. Don't believe me. No one ever believes me. Do your worst.
Welcome to supermax detention.
Your worst was did!
Did you see that video with the dancing Canadian boy?
Yeah, cute.
Did you see the unlikely animal friends video with the ra--
Raccoon and horse riding around. Good for them.
- Mm-hmm, they'll do that. - [phone beeps]
[Marge] Ooh.
Homer, we just got invited to a wedding in the Poconos.
It's a destination wedding.
- Oh, God. No. - What?
Let me educate you about destination weddings,
or as I like to call them, forced vacations.
You fly halfway across the country to sit in a boring church, not on Sunday.
Then you're stuck in a lousy hotel for a whole weekend
with a bunch of people you don't know, or you do know, and you hate.
And that's just the beginning.
First, there's the welcome drinks
where the "signature cocktail" has a... [gags] ...cucumber in it.
And this one's in the Poconos, which sounds like islands,
but it's just Pennsylvania.
And you're forced to do all these preplanned activities,
like a zip line you're too fat to use.
And they have to bring in a telephone bucket truck to get you down!
And at the after-wedding brunch, everyone calls you Johnny Zipline.
[muffled] And they open the presents in front of everybody.
So they all know from the online registry, yours is the cheapest.
And it's all super expensive.
So you have to waste all the airline miles you got
when your credit card was stolen by scammers
who bought $50,000 of printer toner!
Of course. Yes.
The toner miles. We can use them to fly to the wedding.
Oh, but my rant.
Homer Simpson, I can't think of anything more romantic
than transporting ourselves to a magical setting to celebrate a new love.
We are going.
[Homer groans]
There. Done.
Clean it again.
[groans] This isn't fair! I didn't do anything wrong!
My only crime is I didn't wanna do dancing with some stupid girls!
Girls? That's why you're here?
[scoffs] Be a man, boy!
Don't fall apart over some lassie with silky hair
and a dimple you could get lost in like a bottomless pit of sweetness that...
[grunts, screams]
Oh, that feels better.
So, you wanna tell me about this girl?
[sighs] Take a seat.
[grunts]
It all happened in Scotland, in me youth.
There was this girl that I loved. Maisie. I thought she loved me back.
But she broke my heart.
That's why I came to America,
blighted land of "Barbenheimer-ing," wrestling believers,
to forget the fickle lass who let Willie down.
And all women!
- [grunts] - [glass shatters]
I'm with you, brother.
[heaves, exhales]
Who needs girls?
Now we're rage-bonding.
[heaves]
- Men don't let men down. - [Bart grunts]
[shouts] This is how we express emotion!
[laughs]
♪ We're gonna have a good day ♪
♪ And all my homeys gonna ride today ♪
♪ And all these mommies look fly today ♪
♪ And all we wanna do is get by today ♪
♪ Hey, we're gonna have a good day ♪
Willie, get your wheelbarrow.
You won't believe what they threw out at the hospital.
Huh?
Willie? Willie?
Seymour! Willie's gone. I can't find him anywhere.
[chuckles] Willie disappears all the time.
He's probably drunk in a ditch on the outskirts of town.
Oh, my God. Willie?
And then there's all the creepy wedding weekend hookups.
Which lead to the next destination wedding.
Dad, snap out of it!
Something's happened to Willie.
Someone trashed his shack, and I can't find him anywhere.
[phone rings]
- [gasps] It's him. - Bart, my wee bestie.
I'm in Edinburgh. I need you.
Help!
[screaming]
[Bart] Somebody kidnapped Willie.
We gotta go to Scotland and help him.
I'm the only person who cares about him in the world.
Homie, Bart's begged us for a lot of things,
but I've never seen this look in his eye before.
Not even when he begged us for that neck tattoo of a rattlesnake
with a hand grenade tail.
But we can't just fly to Scotland.
Marge, there is one way.
No, don't say it.
- I have to say it. - No.
The miles.
But-But the Poconos.
The miles, Marge. They're transferable.
I know. I know they are. [groans]
I guess we're not going to that destination wedding after all.
[gasps] That's the building from Willie's call.
Willie, where are you?
[Willie] Bart, is that you?
I'll save you, Willie.
I won't let those bastards--
Pass you appetizers?
Ah, Bart. You came. And just in time.
In time for what?
My wedding. Willie's getting married!
Married?
[Homer] Welcome bags. Schedule of events. Losers from home.
New people I already hate.
- [gasps] This is a-- - Destination wedding.
[screams, sobs] No!
What the hell, boy? A destination wedding?
You promised me a kidnapping or murder.
Yeah, Willie, what the hell?
On that call, it sounded like someone was killing you.
Oh, that was just Maisie coming in for a snog.
Give us a smooch, you big, ugly bawbag.
Aw, haud yer whisht 'fore I boke.
[both growling]
Maisie? Isn't that the girl that betrayed you?
Well, there is a bit of a story there.
A love story. Ooh!
Please say it's long.
It's all in the welcome cocktail slideshow.
[groans]
["Endless Love" playing on TV]
[Willie] I was working for Maisie's da, harvesting peat in the peat bogs.
[Maisie] Burning peat is what gives whiskey its distinctive flavor.
And Willie could sniff out the best bogs of them all.
And that's how we met.
[Maisie] It was a peat-cute.
[Willie, Maisie laugh]
[Willie] I was the happiest mud-smeller in the world,
but her family disapproved of me.
They tried to shovel us apart.
So we made plans to elope and sail away together.
But when I waited at the docks, she did nae show.
So I left for America alone and bitter.
The reason I didn't show was my family told me Willie was eaten by a sheep.
But when I saw your TikTok, I knew my love was alive.
She slid right into me DMs.
We started sexting right away.
[Willie] So I dropped everything and came back
where the whole family was waiting with open arms and an apology haggis.
Oh, Willie, we cannae wait to shove
that wonderful nose of yours in the bogs again
and take our whiskey right back to the top.
[cheering]
You know, Willie was the one person who understood my anger.
Now, it's like all our screaming meant nothing.
Yeah. Well, everything I hate about these things is coming true.
We just got here and the weird hookups have already started.
So, is there a Lunch Mr. Dora?
[laughs]
Ew.
Mom, how come Lisa doesn't have to do all this lovey-dovey wedding crap?
Well, your sister isn't best friends with the school janitor,
so she went off to tour Edinburgh on her own.
Okay, I rubbed the toe of David Hume's statue.
I climbed the Walter Scott monument.
I ate something called a Scotch egg which I very much regret.
[gasps] The Fringe Festival.
A celebration of theatrical irony and self-awareness.
One for Musical: The Play, please.
Sorry, darling. This ticket booth is Ticket Booth.
A one-man show about a ticket booth.
If you wanna buy a ticket for Ticket Booth,
the Ticket Booth ticket booth is over there.
It's so clever without being good.
Thanks for joining us on our love hike from Moorland Heath to Heathland Moor.
And now, a gentle stroll through the seven hills of Edinburgh.
Oh. Why can't all hills go down?
[scoffs] And look at all this cutesy romantic crap they're forcing us to do.
When am I gonna get some free time?
Listen, mister, you're the one who dragged us here,
spending a lifetime of frequent-flyer miles
and I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me.
So how about you just suck it up and do the cute activities?
♪ If you find yourself caught in love ♪
♪ Say a prayer to the man above ♪
♪ Thank him for everything you know ♪
♪ You should thank him For every breath you blow ♪
♪ If you find yourself caught in love ♪
♪ Say a prayer to the man above ♪
♪ Thank him for every day you pass ♪
♪ You should thank him For saving your sorry ass ♪
Look, Lis. I'm gonna ask you for something I've never asked before. Your opinion.
You literally haven't said a word to me this entire trip.
Well, now I am, okay?
[sighs] Oh.
Hanging out with Willie was the one time I ever felt I wasn't the only crazy one,
that someone understood me.
And now he's gone goo-goo for this girl whose family screwed him over.
What do I do?
Well, when someone gets a chance to put an end to their loneliness,
they gotta take it.
Have you ever seen Willie this happy?
Not even when Skinner got kicked in the face at the Krav Maga assembly.
So, be happy for his happiness.
[hiccups] So, Maisie, tell me more about your fairy-tale romance.
You're like two Shreks in a swamp.
Ach, it's the same old story.
Numpty meets bird, they start to doggin', get told each is deid,
then reunite and pick right up again with the houghmagandy.
[laughs] That's so romantic. Unlike... Ugh.
[Homer] Hmm? Mmm.
You know what? I'm making a toast.
Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. Shut up, everybody.
Look at these kids, so in love.
When Homer and I first got together, we were the same.
We couldn't keep our hands off each other.
Now we just spend every night doomscrolling our life away
and watching a squirrel surf on the back of an alligator.
Marge, trashing our marriage is something that should only be done
in the privacy of our home.
And that's our romance for the ages.
It began with a wild night in a mini golf windmill. And now...
[blows raspberry]
How can you say that?
This is the worst thing that's ever happened
in the beheading room of this castle.
Bart, I want to thank you for bringing me back to Maisie.
I've never been so happy.
You know, I think I get it.
Good lad. That's why I'm giving you a very important role in the wedding.
You're going to lead the dance!
Ooh. A spiky American.
["Chattahoochee" playing]
No! Men don't let men down!
[grunts]
Our cake.
[crying] Now what will you shove in my gub?
You wee bastard. You ruined my wedding.
Good.
That's the only friend that you made in America?
Aye.
[groans] My head.
Homie, what do you take for a hangover?
Huh?
Oh, fine. Be that way. For once, I'm the one who spoke truth while drunk.
Oh, running away from a fight, huh?
Well, I'm still mad at you.
You told everyone that I don't care about romance,
and now they think Homer Simpson is vanilla in the sack!
[echoing] Homer Simpson is vanilla in the sack!
Vanilla in the sack!
Bad at sex!
I can't believe I ever looked up to that guy.
Stupid Willie.
[laughing] Stupid Willie.
That nobody thinks he can be a MacWeldon? Ha! All he's good for is his nose.
Once they're married,
Willie will sniff out a mother lode of good peat.
And then, he's out!
And then Maisie can find a proper husband. Not some floor waxing puke mopper.
This whole thing was a setup to use Willie?
That girl doesn't even love him?
Why would you do that to my friend?
Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beasties
shouldn't stick their nebs in other people's bizzo.
I have no idea what you just said. Uh-- [stammers] But I get the context!
[grunts] Let me out!
Oh, no. You're staying right here.
With your only entertainment, this cribbage board.
[laughing]
Hey, where are the pegs?
Oh, they're in this little drawer.
["Wedding March" playing]
Homer would never get how sweet this is.
How'd I wind up with the most unromantic man on Earth?
[phone beeps]
Why is he texting me during a wedding?
Hmm?
[dolphin, gorilla laughing]
They shouldn't be together but they are.
[gasps, cries] Oh!
[panting]
[gasps]
Homer!
Marge!
[shouting] Did you get my gorilla-dolphin video?
[shouting] It was so unlikely! Just like us!
That's why I sent it to you!
[Marge] I'm sorry I trashed our marriage in a rehearsal dinner toast!
I'm sorry I was such a downer about this destination wedding!
I should have just pretended to go along with it like I do
with everything else in our marriage.
I don't care if our romance began when we did it on a mini golf course.
It's still epic.
How epic would it be if we did it on the best golf course in the world?
You are so romantic.
[shouting] Fore... [whispering] ...play.
[both moaning, kissing]
I gotta get outta here and warn Willie
that girl's just marrying him for his nose. Ugh!
Birdseed bags.
Soap with Willie's face on it. Sleep masks.
Aha!
I, Groundskeeper Willie, take you, Booze-maker Maisie--
- Stop the wedding! Stop the wedding! - [crowd gasps]
What are you doing, boy? Why don't you want Willie to be happy?
[grunts] I do. This girl doesn't love you.
Her family only brought you here for your peat sniffing.
Pa, Hamish, Owen, can this be true?
Of course it's true.
You're just a nose to us.
We've got to compete with all these celebrity booze brands.
From your tall, dark Clooneys to your wee Danny DeVitos.
There's no room for a passable entry-level scotch.
William, I didn't know about any of this. I swear.
I'd love you even if you never sniffed another bog as long as you lived.
I wish I could believe you.
I'll prove it.
- [shouts] - [Willie grunts]
[crowd gasps]
[groans] You broke my sniffer.
You do love me.
Forever and a day. [shouts]
[grunts] I'll never smell nothing again.
[all] Aw.
I think I get it, Lisa. I understand love now.
[Maisie shouts]
♪ Willie was a lonely guy ♪
♪ Cleaning out toilets And sawdust and puke ♪
♪ Watching as his life went by ♪
♪ His only friend was a 10-year-old boy ♪
♪ Maisie was a Scottish lass ♪
♪ Thinking that her love Was killed by a sheep ♪
♪ Twenty long, long years did pass ♪
♪ Then she saw him On a Chinese social media app ♪
♪ Willie raced to Scotland Simpsons had to follow ♪
♪ Destination wedding Homer full of sorrow ♪
♪ Bart was total raging Marge got mad at Homer ♪
♪ Marge got really steaming Got up at the wedding ♪
♪ Made a drunken toast ♪
♪ Lisa loved the festival And you just saw it in this show ♪
♪ And we all love the musical ♪
♪ The wedding day turned out triumphant ♪
♪ This love song is redundant ♪
♪ Remember how we used to be When our love was young ♪
♪ Many golden memories ♪
♪ Thanks mainly to the Internet We can reconnect ♪
♪ We can love like 21 again ♪
♪ That unrequited crush at school ♪
♪ You can track them on the Internet ♪
♪ And while you're at it You can buy dog food ♪
♪ So convenient It's the Internet ♪
♪ It all started on the mini golf When the love was young ♪
♪ Many golden memories ♪
♪ It all started in an old peat bog With a dirty snog ♪
♪ Will and Maisie on their way ♪
♪ But the family wasn't having it And then Willie split for the USA ♪
♪ Bart posted on the Internet 'Cause the world is small ♪
♪ Willie raced to Scotland Simpsons had to follow ♪
♪ Destination wedding Homer full of sorrow ♪
♪ Bart was total raging Marge got mad at Homer ♪
♪ Marge got really steaming ♪
♪ Got up at the wedding Made a drunken toast ♪
♪ Lisa loved the festival And you just saw it in this show ♪
♪ And we all love the musical ♪
♪ The wedding day turned out triumphant This love song is redundant ♪
♪ Remember how we used to be When our love was young ♪
♪ Many golden memories ♪
♪ Thanks mainly to the Internet ♪
♪ We can reconnect We can love like 21 again ♪
♪ That unrequited crush at school You can track them on the Internet ♪
♪ And while you're at it You can buy dog food ♪
♪ So convenient It's the ♪
♪ So convenient ♪
Shh!