♪ The Simpsons ♪
[stomping]
[roars]
[all] Yay!
[narrator] The age of dinosaurs was over.
- [all] Aw. - [child] Fiddlesticks.
[narrator] 20,000 years ago,
Ice Age humans lived under constant threat from deadly predators...
[animal roars]
...freezing temperatures
and smells.
- [all] Whoa. - Primordial.
[narrator] For our ancestors, survival required constant vigilance.
Even the slightest distraction could prove deadly.
What do you mean I have to take the toys off our lawn?
I didn't even know we had a homeowner's association.
[narrator] In our modern world, true danger is rare.
Yet our Ice Age instincts remain ever on high alert.
Fine. I'll pick up the toys when you take your Christmas decorations down,
i.e., never!
Marge, the children are trying to learn facts about the Ice Age.
Sorry, sorry.
As if the distant past has anything to do with us.
D'oh!
[speaks caveman language]
- [stomach growls] - [Bart groans]
[hisses]
[growls]
There is literally nothing to eat here.
You know, there are some children in this world who don't have enough--
Bored.
Bart, incredible news!
You know how my dad got a job at the sports arena?
They were changing the floor,
and he got trapped between the hockey ice and the basketball court for two days.
That's a double dribble. I felt it.
When he agreed not to sue,
they gave him four tickets to see Violencia Gigante in concert!
Oh, my God. Do you think they'll do one of their songs about drugs?
Hey, as long as they do the one about drowning guys in prison toilets.
"Baño muerte"!
So, can I go to the concert?
I don't know. You're awfully young. What if you get jostled?
Yes, I'm young, but I'm responsible.
Really?
[Bart grunts]
Bart, save yourself.
Okay.
You gotta let me go to the show. They rap in Spanish. It's educational!
Say, Mom, to inform your parenting choices,
why don't you listen to one of their songs?
Great idea, Sis.
[Spanish rapping on phone]
Well, it can't be that offensive. He barely says anything.
Ha! He's playing the clean version.
Here's the original and the translation of the lyrics.
She doesn't need to hear and see that.
- [music plays through earphones] - Oh, my.
Oh, my God.
[exclaims in Spanish]
There's no way you're going to that concert. I forbid it.
Why did you sell me out?
Great question.
Why'd I do it, mutilated Malibu Stacy with melted-on dog toy for head?
[phone buzzes]
Van Houten residence. Breadwinner speaking.
Luann, just the young woman I wanted to talk to.
I was really hoping you could convince my mom
that it's okay for me to go to this concert with Milhouse.
Oh, I'm sorry, Bart.
There must have been a misunderstanding. You're not invited.
But Milhouse said I was.
That was before you coerced my son into misbehaving on his field trip.
But you don't understand. I really wanna go.
My parenting group workshopped the most compassionate way for me to phrase this:
Bart, you're a bad friend and you're beyond hope. Be well.
[scoffs, groans]
[animal growls]
[growls]
[Ice Age Bart screams]
[Ice Age Bart whimpers]
[Ice Age Marge grunting, panting]
- [Ice Age Marge growling] - [wolf yelps]
[whimpers]
Luann said what to you?
That I'm a bad friend and I'm beyond hope.
[Marge growls, pants]
How dare she! After all the times we've let her--
I'm just gonna say it-- dweeb of a son dweeb it up in our house.
Always making me watch him moonwalk,
and if I don't clap, he hides in the bathroom.
No one "uninvites" my son to the concert he's not allowed to go to.
Get up. You and I are gonna go have a little chat with the Van Houtens.
Ask your father to come watch the kids.
[stomachs growl]
[Ice Age Grampa sings in caveman language]
[knocking on door]
Took you long enough. What did you do, crawl here?
I had to walk in the rain. Ooh.
Yeah, yeah. You're a real hero.
Did you think for one second how your words would make Bart feel?
Everything I said was true, Marge.
Oh, boy.
Was it?
Oh, here we go.
You know how Bart is.
No, I don't. Why don't you tell me how my son is?
Oh, man.
It is so on.
Bart and Milhouse have had their issues in the past,
but we all thought Bart would get better.
He's getting worse, Marge. It's just a fact.
Did you hear that, Homer? Our son is getting worse.
That's so good to know.
Um, if I could just turn the heat down a little bit here,
I think what Luann is trying to say, Marge,
is that nobody thinks that you're a bad mother.
"Bad mother"?
Marge is the greatest mother on Earth.
She mothers circles around you, freaky attachment parenting,
co-sleeping, co-bathing psychos!
Let's go.
It's clear these people have an all-consuming vendetta against our son.
[Luann gasps]
I need you to buy Bart four concert tickets.
On the floor. First ten rows. I don't care how much they cost.
I-- I thought you didn't want Bart to go.
If that woman wants a fight, she's gonna get one.
[wolf howls]
[growls]
Nothing. Still nothing.
Nope.
Nada.
Y-- Nope.
- Did you find amazing seats for Bart? - Not yet.
And I'm checking Stub Dork, Seat Dweeb,
Ticket Chump, Venue Idiot.
Don't give up, or our son dies socially amongst his peers.
[grunting]
Row 30, not good enough.
Nothing. Still nothing.
Finger cramping.
Pain moderate, but worth mentioning.
[panting]
[grunts]
[cheers]
- [phone beeps] - [Homer cheering over phone]
You got the tickets!
It's a VIP package with admission to The Front Row Club.
Look, here's a video of the Beckham kids throwing up in it.
Oh, Homer, you actually did it. Bart is saved!
So I figured before the concert we'll pregame at my pad.
Take some edibles: Goldfish, pretzel nubs.
- All right! - Fire!
So dope.
Looking forward to the big show, guys? Good for you.
Hey, if I can see your seats from where I'm sitting--
The Front Row Club-- I'll shoot you a wave.
The Front Row Club?
That's a perk usually reserved for industry insiders.
I wanted to ask you three to come with but I'm sure you'd say no.
You're doing the right thing, sticking with your buddy Milhouse.
It's hard but that's how you build character.
No! You guys can't bail just 'cause he has way better seats.
Milhouse, don't feel bad about the bailing.
Just feel happy that, for a few days, I pretended to like you for your tickets.
I'll take my "ha ha" now.
[humming]
Mom, are you okay?
I'm better than okay.
I spent money we don't have to show who's the better mother.
Love it.
Why don't you do something for me?
Take a deep breath in.
[growls]
Oh, boy. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Mom, your primitive brain is running the show right now.
One of your cubs, if you will, has been threatened,
but in a 21st-century sort of way.
In response, your body has entered a state of arousal called "fight-or-flight."
I'm not in a state.
These are my calm veins.
Remember, you have access to higher brain function.
So, breathe in the expensive candle, exhale the tension.
There is no threat.
Your cubs are safe.
Smell the "Fresh Morning Airport"?
Ew.
There's no threat.
Bart is okay.
That's right.
No need to fight or flee.
No threat.
[Lisa shrieks]
No threat at all.
[chuckles]
We have a motion from a concerned parent
to ban all books about fallen women from the library.
So, motion denied.
I'm pulling my boy from this school.
It didn't have to go down like this.
[growls]
I move to dismiss Marge Simpson from this board for bullying my son.
[crowd gasps]
[growls, pants]
[wolf growls]
[children whimper]
Bullying? You wanna talk about bullying?
She went out of her way to make my son feel excluded, less than and othered.
[crowd gasps]
That's the worst thing there be.
[wolf roars, whimpers]
[both growl]
Look at what her son did to the third grade production of West Side Story.
- [crowd exclaims] - [person] Butts!
That's the kind of behavior you learn in the home.
[growls]
You're criticizing my home?
You ever been to her dusty house?
You think nature abhors a vacuum.
[Ice Age Marge grunts]
Look up the word "no", Marge.
Trust me, it can do wonders with children.
- [wolf growls] - [Ice Age Marge grunts]
Well, you could learn how to say "yes" to a lice comb.
She grocery shops at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Swedish Fish are not a protein.
At least Bart likes my lunches.
Milhouse is the most frequent lunch trader in the cafeteria.
[wolf whimpers, growls]
That is a lie.
I pack an extra lunch for Milhouse because I feel sorry for him.
[Ice Age Homer grunts, growls]
[both grunt]
Okay, a lot of big feelings.
I do love mess.
This isn't over.
Not by a long shot, sister.
[horns honking]
Oh, my God. Look who Milhouse had to bring.
Kindergartners.
[kindergartner cries]
You said we were going to see CoComelon.
Evening, ma'am. What brings you here?
Parking, I bet.
We're in The Front Row Club.
I believe parking is included.
Oh, we don't accept paper tickets.
You have to use the app.
What app?
The app it says you're required to use.
Right here on this piece of paper that is not a ticket.
Homer, the mustache man who has every job
says we need the app you used to buy the tickets.
Oh, I deleted that app the second I printed them out.
Can I download the app?
Well, you'll need his password.
Oh, it's in my password wallet.
But I deleted that too.
Why do you keep deleting apps?
I like the way they jiggle in fear right before you drop the hammer.
[Kirk] Come on, homeslice.
It's your pick.
Are you with Kirk?
Um, well, it's our fantasy football draft.
After everything those people have done to Bart?
[gasps] Traitor.
You are dead to me.
[wolf growls]
[Ice Age Homer screams]
[groans]
[shouts]
Pull forward and turn your car around.
Pally.
Aw, you can't get in?
Well, don't worry, we'll post pics so Bart can see all the fun he's missing.
[wolf growls]
[both growl]
[children scream]
Have you lost your mind?
I'm going to save you.
How is this saving me?
[grunts]
[children scream]
Follow me!
[strains]
- [children yelp] - Wait!
Tickets, please.
Some of these people are carrying outside food.
Outside food! Outside food!
[patron screams]
We're either leaving here in $50 T-shirts or handcuffs.
Perhaps a third course of action will present itself-- [screams]
[children] Whoa!
Look, guys, we made it.
The Front Row Club!
Maybe you should take us home.
I don't think anybody's that psyched for the concert anymore.
Go home?
And let Luann win?
Why don't you ask that lady what she thinks?
[groans]
Now you know what we're all thinking.
Not me. I'm cool with you.
Oh, sweetie. I'm so, so sorry.
I've just been feeling a whole range of emotions:
anger, rage, fury, even miffed.
But I swear it was all because I never want anything bad to ever happen to you.
I can handle bad.
I can't handle losing the one good parent I've got.
[growling]
[wolf whimpering]
[shouts, strains]
Why couldn't you just let me invite Bart?
Oh, honey, but think of how jealous and miserable he must be right now.
Isn't that satisfying?
Mostly isn't.
I know Bart's a bad influence, but he's the only kid who wants to influence me.
He's all I got.
The Front Row Club won't be much fun without Bart's best friend.
[wolf whining]
[wolf panting]
Shh!