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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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{\an8}Children, you've been extra good,
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{\an8}so you've earned a very special field trip.
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{\an8}Get ready for the best day
of your lives at the Waterpark...
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{\an8}...Museum of Late Victorian Textiles.
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I saw the word "waterpark"
and got too excited to read the rest.
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{\an8}The entrance hall carpet
is a reproduction of an original
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{\an8}that Mr. Waterpark saw on a trip to Utrecht.
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{\an8}Any guesses as to its ornamentation?
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{\an8}Anyone?
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{\an8}Wilton. It's a Wilton pattern.
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{\an8}You're the first person
that's ever gotten that.
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{\an8}And a docent never forgets her first.
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{\an8}Ew.
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{\an8}Kids, you've seen the foyer.
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{\an8}Now let's visit the demi-foyer.
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{\an8}Well, there's only one cure
for this type of boredom.
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{\an8}A Gilded Age home invasion.
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{\an8}Nope. Nope.
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{\an8}Nope.
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{\an8}Ugh. There's gotta be something fun
in this dust dungeon.
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Hmm?
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Whoa.
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{\an8}Something.
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Don't be afraid to feel the perforations
on this Edwardian sable felt.
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I'm not afraid.
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Psst.
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Something.
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I'm making it snow
over the lighthouse in St. Augustine.
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Snow globe fight!
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Hmm, this brocade.
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I've never felt such a luxurious warp.
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Twiddle the weft.
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Eat globe!
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My charges.
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This horseplay stops now.
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Globes down.
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- Heads-up.
- Raise my head?
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Heard and understood.
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Oh, these past weeks have been difficult.
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Five eyeball surgeries. Two lid grafts.
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Now I have rods, but no cones.
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But I have a purpose.
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Even though it's the last day
before spring break, I had to come back
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so I could say the words
every principal dreams of saying.
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You are garbage parents.
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Garbage parents?
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Even me?
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Yes, both of you spawned
that snow-globe-hurling monster.
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He said, "Heads-up."
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And I raised my head accordingly.
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Please, Principal Skinner.
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Bart's not a bad kid.
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If only you could see
my special little guy the way I do.
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Come on, Marge.
Bart's the devil, and you know it.
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Anyway, it's your fault for taking
an amped-up psycho like that
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to a water park.
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It wasn't a water park.
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Oh, I didn't read past the first word
on the permission slip.
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All you parents are the same.
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Take credit when your kids succeed
and make excuses when they fail.
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It's disgusting.
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It's because of parents like you that...
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...I hate children!
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Disregard. Have a nice spring break.
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Mother, I'm home.
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Dear Seymour,
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I'm sorry I didn't visit you in the hospital.
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Oh. No mother wants to see her son...
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Period.
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I'm going to Atlantic City with Jasper.
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It'll be a month of nonstop poker,
and we might get some card playing in too.
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Wink, wink.
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Ha!
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Must be nice to be able to wink.
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Just as well.
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I have a whole spring break
to do what I wanna do.
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Ah. Textbook requisition forms
and room temperature Mr. Pibb.
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This is the high life.
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Who goes there?
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That's no who.
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It's a what.
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Go away. I'm about to score with my wife.
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But there's a creature loose in the school.
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Why didn't you say so, man?
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Our Scottish Scrabble game can wait.
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Now go kill a frightened, defenseless animal
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that stumbled into the world of man.
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The creature.
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I'm a ghost of a kid who died long ago
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when kids used to die all the time.
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A specter!
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Those weren't dog bones
I found in the sandbox!
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You're no apparition.
You've been living in my library.
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Living in a library?
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That's sick, man.
How can you say that to a little kid?
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Now get off my lawn.
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A student holing up in the school.
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How can I live this down?
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A blemish like this on my permanent record.
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What the hell is coming out
of your eyes, you freak?
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It's whimsical snow.
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{\an8}I recognize you. Your name is Hub.
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{\an8}You're a student here.
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{\an8}This blatant infraction
is going directly into your file.
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Well, good luck with that,
sparkle tears. I'm not in there.
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You're not enrolled? But I've seen you.
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You're in Ms. Peyton's class.
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{\an8}One of those kids that sits in the back
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{\an8}between Eyeglasses Girl
and Bucktooth Boy and never speaks.
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Good Lord. You've been pretending
to be a student
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so you could live at the school.
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So you could live at the school.
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Live at the school.
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...school.
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Where are your parents?
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Where are your parents?
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My mother's with Jasper,
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and my father's ashes are in a bag
in the upstairs sewing room.
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Now come clean.
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Seymour, what the devil is going on?
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Look out! It's your pimp.
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He's not my pimp.
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I've got this, sir.
I'm calling Child Services.
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You do, and I will cut you like a bitch.
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If the state learns a runaway child
has been squatting here,
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they'll turn this school
into a Spirit Halloween store, okay?
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You keep this child under your supervision
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until you locate his family
and return him to them.
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I'm going back to bed.
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The next time I see you,
you better have my money...
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Requisition forms for next year's textbooks.
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You can tell he really values you.
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Don't get comfortable.
You're only here till I find your parents.
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Look, Principal Skinner, you're not going
to find them. They're dead.
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Oh, my Lord. I'm so sorry.
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It was horrible.
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Their hot-air balloon drifted over
North Korea on Kim Jong-Un's birthday
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and was hit by a celebratory ICBM.
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Outright fibbery!
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Oh, my God. You are so dumb.
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How did you live this long?
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You don't give me respect,
then you don't get any.
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You are not leaving
Mother's sewing room until...
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Give me strength, Papa.
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Get back in here.
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Aw. But I was gonna go out and find America.
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This was fun, but I gotta go.
You've been a great host.
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Five stars.
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It's time to swallow
my pride and ask for help.
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Marge, a man is here.
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Principal Skinner?
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Did you come to yell at us again?
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Mr. and Mrs. Simpson.
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I come to you hat in hand.
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I've never had to deal with a child
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outside the hours of 8:10 to 2:45.
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I need your advice.
How do I handle this handful?
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You're asking us? The garbage parents?
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But we spawned a monster.
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One day with a kid, and he's already broken.
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And now he needs our help.
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Please. I'm desperate.
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Oh, my God. Oh, that's so sweet.
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Okay, okay.
Where's the kid now?
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In my house. I hired Nelson to sit.
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I'm cold. Can you turn the heat up?
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You're the client.
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Please. I'm at my wits' end.
I need your help with Hub.
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Okay, because you begged nicely,
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we'll share a couple
of nuggets of parental wisdom.
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Sometimes, challenging kids
just wanna be recognized.
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Find what the little miracle
is interested in and encourage it.
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Be a hard-ass. Every day should be
like his first day in prison,
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and he's all alone
in the yard without a shiv.
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Flood him with hugs.
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Crush his spirit.
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Give him a shoulder to cry on.
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Quit your crying!
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Tell him he's loved.
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- Tell him he's lucky to be alive.
- Nourish his creativity.
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Lock him in a dog crate.
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Good Lord.
Someone could slip on this watery plastic.
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Or worse, slide.
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Wet orphan coming through.
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Whoa, whoa!
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Whoa, whoa!
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Oh. Uh-oh. We meet again, Darth Tedious.
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Give this kid a break.
His parents died on the Titanic.
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Good afternoon, Seymour.
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Here for your usual?
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Oh, no, thank you, Phillip.
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We need to get this ragamuffin
some respectable schoolboy clothes.
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Hmm. Perhaps a poplin pullover
and corduroy perma-crease slacks.
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♪ The world's most boring loser
Is making me dress just like him ♪
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♪ His house smells like old lady pee ♪
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♪ But he's so used to the smell
That he can't smell it ♪
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Will you get on with it?
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By Doug Henning's mustache. He's escaped.
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Hub!
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There you are.
202
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- Come out of there right now.
- Make me.
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My greasy fingers won't let me...
204
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,982
There's no lifeguard. Hang on, boy.
205
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You saved me.
206
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:54,255
All I've done is
say mean stuff to you, run away
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and scratch up all your records
where dogs bark Christmas carols.
208
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It's fine.
Those dogs are long dead anyway.
209
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It's not like I can
go see them in concert again.
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But of course I saved you.
You were in danger.
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Thanks, Seymour.
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In all my years as a principal,
I've... I've never been hugged.
213
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:13,190
I feel like I'm floating on air.
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Well, that's marvelous.
You're very talented.
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00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,370
Look out, Perry Como.
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00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:29,039
Oh. I like how you know people
I've never heard of.
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Ah, spoken like a young Mort Sahl.
218
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Well, so ends the first spring break
where I actually had fun.
219
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,736
Well, I suppose I must
resume the hunt for your parents.
220
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,738
Oh, well, good luck with that.
221
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:02,781
They were on a Japanese game show
222
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:05,492
and they drowned in a giant toilet
full of salmon roe.
223
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:09,663
You and your fantastical falsehoods.
224
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:13,626
Well, catch you later.
Time to lone-wolf it again.
225
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,003
Returning to the background.
226
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,927
Nourish his creativity.
227
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:26,138
Nope. No talent. Tone deaf.
228
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Dance, ten. Looks, three.
Ooh, Principal Skinner.
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00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:33,062
Dewey, you've got one more auditionee.
230
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,940
I don't wanna be
in some stupid bunny musical.
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00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:39,068
I thought we were cool.
I went to see Laser Beethoven with you.
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00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:42,864
The weird smoke there made me fall asleep.
Don't make me do this.
233
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,658
Be a hard-ass. Make him do it.
234
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:48,244
If you don't, I will.
235
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,579
I'm not giving you the choice.
236
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,831
You're a talented kid
with untapped potential.
237
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,292
Now get up there and audition.
238
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,047
Why did I make Hub audition?
239
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,257
He's probably dying
of embarrassment in there.
240
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Seymour, you're a fool.
241
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:08,389
You have a master's degree in education,
but the parenting skills of a basketball.
242
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:14,603
- I'm sorry, Hub.
- Okay, I tried out like you said.
243
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,688
They hated me.
244
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,399
For being so awesome.
245
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:21,151
I'm playing Farmer McGregor.
I'm in three scenes.
246
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:22,361
One with Peter Rabbit.
247
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,363
Aw!
248
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:27,366
I did it. I'm parenting, and I'm good at it.
249
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:31,913
How do you like me now,
Spalding Dirk Nowitzki autograph special?
250
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:39,878
Okay, daffodils, daffodils.
Spring has sprung.
251
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:41,297
Peter Rabbit comes out.
252
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,049
And cue Farmer McGregor.
253
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,677
Who's been eating my carrots?
254
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,178
Exit McGregor.
255
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:51,974
Peter Rabbit launches into his big number,
"I've Been Eating the Carrots."
256
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,143
That's it? That's all you got for Hub?
257
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,227
It's not all.
258
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,688
He sweeps up the bandannas
after the hoedown scene.
259
00:14:57,772 --> 00:15:00,357
Dewey, I'm starting
to think you lack the vision
260
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,067
to make these characters come to life.
261
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:05,654
And you could do better?
Fine. Here's the headset.
262
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,532
You want it? Take it, take it.
Just-- Just take it.
263
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,580
Well, cast, um,
who's ready to go on a ride with me
264
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,833
as we explore the depths
of our new protagonist,
265
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,585
Farmer McGregor?
266
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,213
Okay, so, the thing you guys don't get
about Farmer McGregor
267
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:27,426
is he's the best actor in the world,
and you're just a bunch of dumb animals.
268
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:28,761
Now, let's have fun with this.
269
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,804
What the hell is this?
270
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:32,973
Farmer McGregor only has three lines
271
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:36,643
and two of them are,
"Here comes Peter Rabbit." Me.
272
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,728
We're gonna fix that.
273
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:41,982
Lisa Simpson,
I need a rewrite by third period tomorrow.
274
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:45,527
Beef up the McGregor character.
Explore his inner world.
275
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,780
Give Hub something worthy of his talents.
276
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,281
Fix the script.
277
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:52,034
I get to be every eight-year-old girl's hero:
278
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,953
Steven Zaillian.
279
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:58,791
Milhouse is a joy to have in the room.
280
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:03,879
He just needs to stop practicing
his kissing on female lunch box images.
281
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:06,007
You hear that, Luann? Female.
282
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:12,221
These thin-skinned parents unable
to handle the slightest feedback
283
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,307
about their perfect children.
Who's next?
284
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:19,812
That would be Hub, but his parents
didn't sign up for the conference, so...
285
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,230
I'll stand in for them.
286
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,983
Okay, well,
I-I can get to Hub's strengths in a sec,
287
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,569
but I'll start with some of his stretches.
288
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,655
Well, that won't take long.
289
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:34,118
Yes, he used to be so quiet and unassuming,
290
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:39,457
but now that he's starring in the play,
he's become a bit of a show-off.
291
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:42,251
You're fired.
292
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:45,295
But I... No, no,
I-I'm merely pointing out that Hub--
293
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,506
Is coming into his own.
294
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,633
He's talented. He's a supernova.
295
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,719
What are you? A fourth-grade teacher
in a failing school?
296
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:54,930
And this boy is an orphan.
297
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:59,351
His parents both had Benjamin Button
disease and died as 85-year-old babies.
298
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:00,769
Hmm. That's another thing.
299
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,980
Hub has a tendency to...
300
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,023
Lie.
301
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,275
He's an actor.
302
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,485
Actors lie for a living. That's their art.
303
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,113
Don't you dare say
another harsh word about my...
304
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:15,033
- Hub.
- Seymour, you are his principal,
305
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,869
not his father.
306
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:19,705
Of course. You're right.
307
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:22,041
You've given me a lot to think about.
308
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:31,133
Excellent, Willie. Forty down, 360 to go.
309
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:34,470
Ooh. Look who's coming to town. Hub.
310
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,644
Well, this is your big night.
311
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,730
They're all here to see you.
312
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:47,274
And I'm ready to bring the thunder.
313
00:17:47,358 --> 00:17:49,652
Look out, theatergoers, here comes...
314
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:53,030
Holy crud.
315
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,156
Butterflies, eh?
316
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,867
From Brando to Balki,
all the great ones get 'em.
317
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,580
Break a leg, son.
318
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:13,467
Peter Rabbit is dead.
319
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,552
Who will save the farm?
320
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:19,015
McGregor. McGregor.
321
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,187
That's your cue, Olivier.
322
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:27,523
Hub!
323
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,526
The adoption.
324
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,985
I spooked him.
325
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:33,863
Hub, wait. Come back.
326
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,032
Dad!
327
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:39,827
He called me Dad.
He wants me to adopt him.
328
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,788
Son, you just made me the happiest...
329
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,122
What are you doing here?
330
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:46,083
We're your parents. That's what.
331
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:50,045
Ha-ha! You thought he was running to you.
332
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,672
Your mother dances for coupons,
333
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:54,758
and your father has a second family
he loves more than you.
334
00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:57,803
How did you find me?
335
00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:02,015
Your face is on every light pole
from here to Ogdenville.
336
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:04,560
I... I don't understand.
337
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,644
We don't either.
338
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:08,855
You've got some explaining to do,
Alexander Hubley.
339
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,025
Mom and Dad dumped me at boarding school
340
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:15,320
with a bunch of other snooty jerks
with rich parents who don't give a crap.
341
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:19,324
I couldn't take it, so I bailed
and came to Springfield. I liked it here.
342
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,202
And now we've found you.
343
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:24,329
Yeah, well,
it only took you like five months.
344
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,583
We're sorry, son. Come on. Let's go home.
345
00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,129
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh,
346
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:35,966
due to an administrator getting
his heart broken into a million pieces,
347
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,010
we are canceling the play.
348
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,514
Yeah,
I hear your cheers of disappointment,
349
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,684
but, unfortunately,
we have lost our Farmer McGregor.
350
00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:47,561
No, you haven't.
351
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,858
A farmer rises with the sun,
352
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,651
coaxing life out of the earth
353
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:57,488
and nourishing the beasts under his dominion.
354
00:19:57,988 --> 00:20:00,991
But I wanna talk about
one particular creature on my farm.
355
00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:04,703
A wayward mouse who had been
abandoned by his rich mouse parents
356
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,163
at an elite boarding farm.
357
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:09,416
Wait, I didn't write any of this mouse junk.
358
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:12,502
You didn't write anything.
You just ran the room.
359
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,756
Picking good stuff is just
as hard as creating good stuff.
360
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,843
The mouse ran away and hid in the barn,
blending in with the other animals,
361
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:22,262
afraid to call attention to himself.
362
00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:24,139
Then, a kind old mouse found him.
363
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,600
He shared with him
the cheese of encouragement.
364
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:29,603
And with that, the mouse spread his wings
365
00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:33,357
and became a magnificent
Mr. Pibb-drinking butterfly.
366
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:37,444
But now, the little mouse has to leave,
367
00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:41,156
and he'll never forget the kind
older mouse who believed in him,
368
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,285
allowing him to see more.
369
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:54,419
Your son is terrific.
370
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:55,504
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
371
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,674
That's not my boy.
372
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:18,360
{\an8}Okay, guys, let's focus.
373
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:21,989
{\an8}Again, how does McGregor lose the farm
at the end of the first act?
374
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,908
{\an8}Anyone? Anything!
375
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,493
{\an8}How about this?
376
00:21:26,577 --> 00:21:30,664
{\an8}McGregor comes home, house gone,
rabbits everywhere,
377
00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,791
{\an8}and he says...
378
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,460
{\an8}Don't start a sentence
if you don't know where it's going!
379
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:39,423
{\an8}Okay, guess what.
Now we're staying late.
380
00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:41,174
{\an8}What do you guys want for dinner?
381
00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:43,176
{\an8}- Corn dogs!
- Dino nuggets!
382
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:44,845
{\an8}- Noodles with butter!
- Tuna fish!
383
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:48,057
{\an8}- Pepperoni!
- Now you've got pitches?