1
00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,340
♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,008
{\an8}Children, you've been extra good,
3
00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,928
{\an8}so you've earned
a very special field trip.
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:15,932
{\an8}Get ready for the best day
of your lives at the Waterpark...
5
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,934
{\an8}[Students cheering]
6
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:22,856
{\an8}- ...Museum of Late Victorian Textiles.
- [Students groaning]
7
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,108
{\an8}[groans]
8
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,445
I saw the word "waterpark"
and got too excited to read the rest.
9
00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:30,614
{\an8}[Grunts]
10
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:35,368
{\an8}The entrance hall carpet
is a reproduction of an original
11
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:39,038
{\an8}that Mr. Waterpark saw
on a trip to Utrecht.
12
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:41,207
{\an8}Any guesses as to its ornamentation?
13
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,709
{\an8}[Grunts]
14
00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:43,793
{\an8}Anyone?
15
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,712
{\an8}Wilton. It's a Wilton pattern.
16
00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:49,132
{\an8}You're the first person
that's ever gotten that.
17
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:52,635
{\an8}And a docent never forgets her first.
18
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,054
{\an8}[Chuckles]
19
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,764
{\an8}[students] Ew.
20
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:59,184
{\an8}Kids, you've seen the foyer.
21
00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:02,979
{\an8}Now let's visit the demi-foyer.
22
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,815
{\an8}[Students groan]
23
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,652
{\an8}Well, there's only one cure
for this type of boredom.
24
00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:12,030
{\an8}A Gilded Age home invasion.
25
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:13,573
{\an8}[Laughs]
26
00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:15,742
{\an8}Nope. Nope.
27
00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:16,826
{\an8}Nope.
28
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,330
{\an8}Ugh. There's gotta be something fun
in this dust dungeon.
29
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,082
Hmm?
30
00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:26,461
- Whoa.
- [♪ Dramatic music plays]
31
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,798
{\an8}Something.
32
00:01:30,882 --> 00:01:36,346
Don't be afraid to feel the perforations
on this Edwardian sable felt.
33
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,265
I'm not afraid.
34
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:41,601
Psst.
35
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:43,895
[♪ Dramatic music plays]
36
00:01:43,979 --> 00:01:46,857
[all] Something.
37
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:52,195
[Students giggling, cheering]
38
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:56,908
I'm making it snow
over the lighthouse in St. Augustine.
39
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,705
Snow globe fight!
40
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:06,209
[Students laughing, screaming]
41
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,794
Hmm, this brocade.
42
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,838
I've never felt such a luxurious warp.
43
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:11,839
Twiddle the weft.
44
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:14,050
- [Glass shattering]
- [Bart] Eat globe!
45
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,468
[Gasps] My charges.
46
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:18,096
[Students clamoring]
47
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:19,514
[yelps]
48
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,227
[groaning]
49
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,479
This horseplay stops now.
50
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,064
Globes down.
51
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,816
- Heads-up.
- Raise my head?
52
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,401
Heard and understood.
53
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,237
[Glass shatters]
54
00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:39,158
[Skinner]
Oh, these past weeks have been difficult.
55
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:42,036
Five eyeball surgeries. Two lid grafts.
56
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,497
Now I have rods, but no cones.
57
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:45,957
But I have a purpose.
58
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:50,753
Even though it's the last day
before spring break, I had to come back
59
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:54,882
so I could say the words
every principal dreams of saying.
60
00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:56,968
You are garbage parents.
61
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,553
Garbage parents?
62
00:02:58,637 --> 00:02:59,887
Even me?
63
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,474
Yes, both of you spawned
that snow-globe-hurling monster.
64
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,143
[Both groan]
65
00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:06,978
He said, "Heads-up."
66
00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:08,980
And I raised my head accordingly.
67
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,025
[Both gasp]
68
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,235
Please, Principal Skinner.
69
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,030
Bart's not a bad kid.
70
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:20,783
If only you could see
my special little guy the way I do.
71
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:23,328
Come on, Marge.
Bart's the devil, and you know it.
72
00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:26,372
Anyway, it's your fault for taking
an amped-up psycho like that
73
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:27,540
to a water park.
74
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,667
It wasn't a water park.
75
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:33,880
Oh, I didn't read past the first word
on the permission slip.
76
00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:35,506
All you parents are the same.
77
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,760
Take credit when your kids succeed
and make excuses when they fail.
78
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:39,969
It's disgusting.
79
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,471
It's because of parents like you that...
80
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,516
[Over PA] ...I hate children!
81
00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:48,019
[Sobs]
82
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:51,106
[clears throat]
Disregard. Have a nice spring break.
83
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:54,109
Mother, I'm home.
84
00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:56,819
[Agnes] Dear Seymour,
85
00:03:56,903 --> 00:04:00,239
I'm sorry I didn't visit you
in the hospital.
86
00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:03,535
Oh. No mother wants to see her son...
87
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:05,036
Period.
88
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,288
I'm going to Atlantic City with Jasper.
89
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:12,210
It'll be a month of nonstop poker,
and we might get some card playing in too.
90
00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:13,544
[Chuckles] Wink, wink.
91
00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:14,545
Ha!
92
00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,798
Must be nice to be able to wink. [sighs]
93
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:17,882
Just as well.
94
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:20,802
I have a whole spring break
to do what I wanna do.
95
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,303
[Crickets chirping]
96
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:26,974
Ah. Textbook requisition forms
and room temperature Mr. Pibb.
97
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,726
This is the high life.
98
00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:30,186
- [Loud clattering]
- [stammers]
99
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,270
Who goes there?
100
00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:32,355
[Clattering continues]
101
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:33,356
[skittering]
102
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,024
That's no who.
103
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,359
It's a what.
104
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:42,073
[Willie]
Go away. I'm about to score with my wife.
105
00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:44,117
But there's a creature loose
in the school.
106
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,202
Why didn't you say so, man?
107
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,956
Our Scottish Scrabble game can wait.
108
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,457
[♪ Bagpipe music plays]
109
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,960
Now go kill a frightened,
defenseless animal
110
00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:56,421
that stumbled into the world of man.
111
00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:01,676
[♪ Dramatic music plays]
112
00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:05,764
[thudding]
113
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:13,020
The creature.
114
00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:16,274
[♪ Dramatic music continues]
115
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:28,995
I'm a ghost of a kid who died long ago
116
00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:33,249
when kids used to die all the time.
117
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,625
A specter!
118
00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:37,670
Those weren't dog bones
I found in the sandbox!
119
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:41,007
You're no apparition.
You've been living in my library.
120
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,009
Living in a library?
121
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:46,512
[Scoffs] That's sick, man.
How can you say that to a little kid?
122
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,431
Now get off my lawn.
123
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,933
A student holing up in the school.
124
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,935
How can I live this down?
125
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:56,731
A blemish like this
on my permanent record.
126
00:05:56,815 --> 00:06:00,193
[Laughing] What the hell is coming out
of your eyes, you freak?
127
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:01,987
It's whimsical snow.
128
00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:07,992
{\an8}I recognize you. Your name is Hub.
129
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,118
{\an8}You're a student here.
130
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:12,997
{\an8}This blatant infraction
is going directly into your file.
131
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:16,250
Well, good luck with that,
sparkle tears. I'm not in there.
132
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:18,461
You're not enrolled? But I've seen you.
133
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,171
You're in Ms. Peyton's class.
134
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,631
{\an8}One of those kids that sits in the back
135
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:25,176
{\an8}between Eyeglasses Girl
and Bucktooth Boy and never speaks.
136
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,887
Good Lord. You've been pretending
to be a student
137
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,597
so you could live at the school.
138
00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,557
[Mocking] So you could live at the school.
139
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,059
Live at the school.
140
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:37,438
[Garbled mocking] ...school.
141
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,689
Where are your parents?
142
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:39,941
Where are your parents?
143
00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,859
My mother's with Jasper,
144
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:45,446
and my father's ashes are in a bag
in the upstairs sewing room.
145
00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:46,531
Now come clean.
146
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,825
Seymour, what the devil is going on?
147
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,243
Look out! It's your pimp.
148
00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,744
He's not my pimp.
149
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,539
I've got this, sir.
I'm calling Child Services.
150
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,707
You do, and I will cut you like a bitch.
151
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:57,875
[Gasps]
152
00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:01,963
If the state learns a runaway child
has been squatting here,
153
00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:06,092
they'll turn this school
into a Spirit Halloween store, okay?
154
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:08,427
You keep this child under your supervision
155
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,347
until you locate his family
and return him to them.
156
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,183
I'm going back to bed.
157
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,978
The next time I see you,
you better have my money...
158
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:20,690
Requisition forms
for next year's textbooks.
159
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,568
You can tell he really values you.
160
00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:27,071
Don't get comfortable.
You're only here till I find your parents.
161
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:31,158
Look, Principal Skinner, you're not going
to find them. They're dead.
162
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:33,661
Oh, my Lord. I'm so sorry.
163
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:34,745
It was horrible.
164
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:37,957
Their hot-air balloon drifted over
North Korea on Kim Jong-Un's birthday
165
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:40,293
and was hit by a celebratory ICBM.
166
00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,587
- [Muffled laughter]
- Outright fibbery!
167
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,631
Oh, my God. You are so dumb.
168
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:47,842
How did you live this long?
169
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:50,386
You don't give me respect,
then you don't get any.
170
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,306
You are not leaving
Mother's sewing room until...
171
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:55,934
[Gasps, grunts]
172
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:58,269
Give me strength, Papa.
173
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:00,938
Get back in here.
174
00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:03,733
Aw. But I was gonna go out
and find America.
175
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,277
[Groans]
176
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:09,030
This was fun, but I gotta go.
You've been a great host.
177
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,615
Five stars.
178
00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:12,283
[Sighs]
179
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:15,703
It's time to swallow
my pride and ask for help.
180
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:16,788
[Doorbell rings]
181
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:20,333
Marge, a man is here.
182
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,459
Principal Skinner?
183
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,711
Did you come to yell at us again?
184
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,505
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson.
185
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,966
I come to you hat in hand.
186
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,843
I've never had to deal with a child
187
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:34,139
outside the hours of 8:10 to 2:45.
188
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:38,560
I need your advice.
How do I handle this handful?
189
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:41,395
[Both laughing]
190
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:44,023
You're asking us? The garbage parents?
191
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:47,151
[Cackles] But we spawned a monster.
192
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:50,571
[Simpsons cackling]
193
00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:53,324
One day with a kid,
and he's already broken.
194
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:57,412
And now he needs our help.
195
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,585
Please. I'm desperate.
196
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,254
Oh, my God. Oh, that's so sweet.
197
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:10,424
Okay, okay. [chuckles]
Where's the kid now?
198
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:13,094
In my house. I hired Nelson to sit.
199
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:15,888
I'm cold. Can you turn the heat up?
200
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:16,973
You're the client.
201
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,183
[Farts]
202
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:22,853
Please. I'm at my wits' end.
I need your help with Hub.
203
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:25,064
Okay, because you begged nicely,
204
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:28,776
we'll share a couple
of nuggets of parental wisdom.
205
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:32,488
Sometimes, challenging kids
just wanna be recognized.
206
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:36,492
Find what the little miracle
is interested in and encourage it.
207
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,371
Be a hard-ass. Every day should be
like his first day in prison,
208
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:43,207
and he's all alone
in the yard without a shiv.
209
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,709
Flood him with hugs.
210
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:45,960
Crush his spirit.
211
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,878
Give him a shoulder to cry on.
212
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,296
Quit your crying!
213
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:51,007
[Marge] Tell him he's loved.
214
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,218
- [Homer] Tell him he's lucky to be alive.
- [Marge] Nourish his creativity.
215
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,096
[Homer] Lock him in a dog crate.
216
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:01,225
Good Lord.
Someone could slip on this watery plastic.
217
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:02,977
Or worse, slide.
218
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,645
Wet orphan coming through.
219
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,272
[Both] Whoa, whoa!
220
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,441
Whoa, whoa!
221
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:14,030
Oh. Uh-oh. We meet again, Darth Tedious.
222
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,489
[Laughs]
223
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:20,328
Give this kid a break.
His parents died on the Titanic.
224
00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:24,582
[♪ Muzak playing over speakers]
225
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:26,500
Good afternoon, Seymour.
226
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,253
Here for your usual?
227
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,964
Oh, no, thank you, Phillip.
228
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:35,593
We need to get this ragamuffin
some respectable schoolboy clothes.
229
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:41,766
Hmm. Perhaps a poplin pullover
and corduroy perma-crease slacks.
230
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,688
[Groans]
231
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:52,359
[Hub] ♪ The world's most boring loser
Is making me dress just like him ♪
232
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,695
♪ His house smells like old lady pee ♪
233
00:10:54,779 --> 00:11:00,242
♪ But he's so used to the smell
That he can't smell it ♪
234
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,536
Will you get on with it?
235
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:05,706
By Doug Henning's mustache. He's escaped.
236
00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:07,166
[Screams, grunts]
237
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,626
[panting]
238
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:11,588
Hub!
239
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,221
- There you are.
- [Gasps]
240
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,516
- Come out of there right now.
- Make me.
241
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,395
[Gasping]
My greasy fingers won't let me... [grunts]
242
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,982
There's no lifeguard. Hang on, boy.
243
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:45,454
[Coughs]
244
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,915
[gasping]
245
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,960
[coughs] You saved me.
246
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:54,255
All I've done is
say mean stuff to you, run away
247
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,800
and scratch up all your records
where dogs bark Christmas carols.
248
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,469
It's fine.
Those dogs are long dead anyway.
249
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,805
It's not like I can
go see them in concert again.
250
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,307
But of course I saved you.
You were in danger.
251
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:06,517
Thanks, Seymour.
252
00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:10,604
In all my years as a principal,
I've... I've never been hugged.
253
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:13,190
I feel like I'm floating on air.
254
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,276
[Table fan blowing]
255
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:22,241
[♪ Barking "Jingle Bells"]
256
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,785
Well, that's marvelous.
You're very talented.
257
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,370
Look out, Perry Como.
258
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:29,039
Oh. I like how you know people
I've never heard of.
259
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:32,042
Ah, spoken like a young Mort Sahl.
260
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:35,630
[♪ "Room 222 - Theme" playing]
261
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:55,399
Well, so ends the first spring break
where I actually had fun.
262
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,736
[Sighs] Well, I suppose I must
resume the hunt for your parents.
263
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,738
Oh, well, good luck with that.
264
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:02,781
They were on a Japanese game show
265
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:05,492
and they drowned in a giant toilet
full of salmon roe.
266
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:06,827
[Chuckles]
267
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:09,663
You and your fantastical falsehoods.
268
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:13,626
[Sighs] Well, catch you later.
Time to lone-wolf it again.
269
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,003
Returning to the background.
270
00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:18,089
[Students chattering]
271
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,927
Nourish his creativity.
272
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:26,138
Nope. No talent. Tone deaf.
273
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:29,892
Dance, ten. Looks, three.
Ooh, Principal Skinner.
274
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:33,062
Dewey, you've got one more auditionee.
275
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,940
I don't wanna be
in some stupid bunny musical.
276
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:39,068
I thought we were cool.
I went to see Laser Beethoven with you.
277
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:42,864
The weird smoke there made me fall asleep.
Don't make me do this.
278
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,658
Be a hard-ass. Make him do it.
279
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:48,244
If you don't, I will.
280
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,579
I'm not giving you the choice.
281
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,831
You're a talented kid
with untapped potential.
282
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,292
Now get up there and audition.
283
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,047
Why did I make Hub audition?
284
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,257
He's probably dying
of embarrassment in there.
285
00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:04,009
Seymour, you're a fool.
286
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:08,389
You have a master's degree in education,
but the parenting skills of a basketball.
287
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:14,603
- I'm sorry, Hub.
- Okay, I tried out like you said.
288
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,688
They hated me.
289
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,399
For being so awesome.
290
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:21,151
I'm playing Farmer McGregor.
I'm in three scenes.
291
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:22,361
One with Peter Rabbit.
292
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,363
[Gasps] Aw!
293
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:27,366
I did it. I'm parenting,
and I'm good at it.
294
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:31,913
How do you like me now,
Spalding Dirk Nowitzki autograph special?
295
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:39,878
Okay, daffodils, daffodils.
Spring has sprung.
296
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:41,297
Peter Rabbit comes out.
297
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,049
And cue Farmer McGregor.
298
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,677
[In Southern accent]
Who's been eating my carrots?
299
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,178
Exit McGregor.
300
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:51,974
Peter Rabbit launches into his big number,
"I've Been Eating the Carrots."
301
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,143
That's it? That's all you got for Hub?
302
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,227
It's not all.
303
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,688
He sweeps up the bandannas
after the hoedown scene.
304
00:14:57,772 --> 00:15:00,357
Dewey, I'm starting
to think you lack the vision
305
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,067
to make these characters come to life.
306
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:05,654
And you could do better?
Fine. Here's the headset.
307
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,532
You want it? Take it, take it.
Just-- Just take it.
308
00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:10,659
[Muttering angrily]
309
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,580
Well, cast, um,
who's ready to go on a ride with me
310
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,833
as we explore the depths
of our new protagonist,
311
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,585
- Farmer McGregor?
- [♪ Piano riff plays]
312
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,213
Okay, so, the thing you guys don't get
about Farmer McGregor
313
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:27,426
is he's the best actor in the world,
and you're just a bunch of dumb animals.
314
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:28,761
Now, let's have fun with this.
315
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,804
What the hell is this [bleep]?
316
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:32,973
Farmer McGregor only has three lines
317
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:36,643
and two of them are,
"Here comes Peter Rabbit." Me.
318
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,728
We're gonna fix that.
319
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:41,982
Lisa Simpson,
I need a rewrite by third period tomorrow.
320
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:45,527
Beef up the McGregor character.
Explore his inner world.
321
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,780
Give Hub something worthy of his talents.
322
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,281
Fix the script.
323
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:52,034
I get to be
every eight-year-old girl's hero:
324
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,953
Steven Zaillian.
325
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:58,791
Milhouse is a joy to have in the room.
326
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:03,879
He just needs to stop practicing
his kissing on female lunch box images.
327
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:06,007
You hear that, Luann? Female.
328
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:12,221
These thin-skinned parents unable
to handle the slightest feedback
329
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,307
about their perfect children.
[Sighs] Who's next?
330
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:19,812
That would be Hub, but his parents
didn't sign up for the conference, so...
331
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,230
I'll stand in for them.
332
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,983
Okay, well,
I-I can get to Hub's strengths in a sec,
333
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,569
but I'll start with some of his stretches.
334
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,655
[Scoffs] Well, that won't take long.
335
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:34,118
Yes, he used to be
so quiet and unassuming,
336
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:39,457
but now that he's starring in the play,
he's become a bit of a show-off.
337
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:42,251
You're fired.
338
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:45,295
But I... No, no,
I-I'm merely pointing out that Hub--
339
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,506
Is coming into his own.
340
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,633
He's talented. He's a supernova.
341
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,719
What are you? A fourth-grade teacher
in a failing school?
342
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:54,930
And this boy is an orphan.
343
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:59,351
His parents both had Benjamin Button
disease and died as 85-year-old babies.
344
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:00,769
Hmm. That's another thing.
345
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,980
Hub has a tendency to...
346
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,023
Lie.
347
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,275
He's an actor.
348
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,485
Actors lie for a living. That's their art.
349
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,113
Don't you dare say
another harsh word about my...
350
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:15,033
- Hub.
- Seymour, you are his principal,
351
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,869
not his father.
352
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:19,705
[Sighs] Of course. You're right.
353
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:22,041
You've given me a lot to think about.
354
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:31,133
Excellent, Willie. Forty down, 360 to go.
355
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:34,470
Ooh. Look who's coming to town. Hub.
356
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,644
Well, this is your big night.
357
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,730
They're all here to see you.
358
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:47,274
And I'm ready to bring the thunder.
359
00:17:47,358 --> 00:17:49,652
Look out, theatergoers, here comes...
360
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:53,030
Holy crud.
361
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,156
Butterflies, eh?
362
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,867
From Brando to Balki,
all the great ones get 'em.
363
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,580
Break a leg, son.
364
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:09,505
[♪ Dramatic music plays]
365
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:13,467
Peter Rabbit is dead.
366
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,552
Who will save the farm?
367
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:19,015
- [♪ Drum roll]
- [all chanting] McGregor. McGregor.
368
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:22,434
- [♪ Music fizzles out]
- [audience murmuring]
369
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,187
That's your cue, Olivier.
370
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:27,523
Hub!
371
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,526
The adoption.
372
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,985
I spooked him.
373
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:33,863
Hub, wait. Come back.
374
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,032
Dad!
375
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:39,827
He called me Dad.
He wants me to adopt him.
376
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,788
Son, you just made me the happiest...
377
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,122
What are you doing here?
378
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:46,083
We're your parents. That's what.
379
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:50,045
Ha-ha! You thought he was running to you.
380
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,672
Your mother dances for coupons,
381
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:54,758
and your father has a second family
he loves more than you.
382
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,510
[Whimpers]
383
00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:57,803
How did you find me?
384
00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:02,015
Your face is on every light pole
from here to Ogdenville.
385
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:04,560
[Sighs] I... I don't understand.
386
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,644
We don't either.
387
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:08,855
You've got some explaining to do,
Alexander Hubley.
388
00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:10,023
[Groans]
389
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,025
Mom and Dad dumped me at boarding school
390
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:15,320
with a bunch of other snooty jerks
with rich parents who don't give a crap.
391
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:19,324
I couldn't take it, so I bailed
and came to Springfield. I liked it here.
392
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,202
And now we've found you.
393
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:24,329
Yeah, well,
it only took you like five months.
394
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,583
We're sorry, son. Come on. Let's go home.
395
00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,129
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh,
396
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:35,966
due to an administrator getting
his heart broken into a million pieces,
397
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,010
we are canceling the play.
398
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,345
[Audience cheering]
399
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,514
Yeah,
I hear your cheers of disappointment,
400
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,684
but, unfortunately,
we have lost our Farmer McGregor.
401
00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:47,561
No, you haven't.
402
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:49,522
[Audience groaning]
403
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,858
A farmer rises with the sun,
404
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,651
coaxing life out of the earth
405
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:57,488
and nourishing the beasts
under his dominion.
406
00:19:57,988 --> 00:20:00,991
But I wanna talk about
one particular creature on my farm.
407
00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:04,703
A wayward mouse who had been
abandoned by his rich mouse parents
408
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,163
at an elite boarding farm.
409
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:09,416
Wait, I didn't write
any of this mouse junk.
410
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:12,502
You didn't write anything.
You just ran the room.
411
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,756
Picking good stuff is just
as hard as creating good stuff.
412
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,843
The mouse ran away and hid in the barn,
blending in with the other animals,
413
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:22,262
afraid to call attention to himself.
414
00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:24,139
Then, a kind old mouse found him.
415
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,600
He shared with him
the cheese of encouragement.
416
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:29,603
And with that, the mouse spread his wings
417
00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:33,357
and became a magnificent
Mr. Pibb-drinking butterfly.
418
00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:34,941
[Cooing]
419
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:37,444
But now, the little mouse has to leave,
420
00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:41,156
and he'll never forget the kind
older mouse who believed in him,
421
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,285
allowing him to see more.
422
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,788
[Audience exclaiming and applauding]
423
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:54,419
Your son is terrific.
424
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:55,504
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
425
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,674
That's not my boy.
426
00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:10,186
{\an8}[♪ Theme music playing]
427
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:18,360
{\an8}Okay, guys, let's focus.
428
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:21,989
{\an8}Again, how does McGregor lose the farm
at the end of the first act?
429
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,908
{\an8}Anyone? Anything!
430
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,493
{\an8}How about this?
431
00:21:26,577 --> 00:21:30,664
{\an8}McGregor comes home, house gone,
rabbits everywhere,
432
00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,791
{\an8}and he says...
433
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,460
{\an8}Don't start a sentence
if you don't know where it's going!
434
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:39,423
{\an8}[Groans] Okay, guess what.
Now we're staying late.
435
00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:41,174
{\an8}What do you guys want for dinner?
436
00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:43,176
{\an8}- Corn dogs!
- Dino nuggets!
437
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:44,845
{\an8}- Noodles with butter!
- Tuna fish!
438
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:48,057
{\an8}- Pepperoni!
- Now you've got pitches?