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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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{\an8}Today, I'm proud to celebrate the opening
of a thing I'd never heard of:
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{\an8}a freeway wildlife crossing.
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{\an8}Now here is a little girl
whose pestering has made this,
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{\an8}whatever this is, a reality, Lisa Simpson.
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{\an8}This land bridge will allow animals
to migrate safely and end the collisions
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{\an8}that have turned our freeways
into a carcass-ridden hellscape.
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{\an8}
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{\an8}-
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{\an8}
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{\an8}That's it, furry friends.
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{\an8}Migrate wherever your little paws,
hooves and trotters wish to take you.
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{\an8}
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{\an8}They're headed towards
the pharmaceutical factory.
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{\an8}
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{\an8}-
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{\an8}♪ Bobcats on drugs ♪
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{\an8}♪ Frogs on drugs ♪
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{\an8}♪ Coyotes on drugs ♪
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{\an8}♪ Deer on drugs ♪
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{\an8}-
This is your crane on drugs.
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{\an8}The wildlife of Springfield has gone
on a bad trip,
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{\an8}gobbling up several tons
of psychiatric medication.
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{\an8}Snakes on antipsychotics
are befriending rats on Zoloft.
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{\an8}Beavers on beta blockers are building dams
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{\an8}without their usual performance anxiety.
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{\an8}Turtles tweaking on Adderall
are racing past
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{\an8}chilled-out rabbits on Klonopin.
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{\an8}Look at those turtles go.
America's back, baby.
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{\an8}Dad, watch the road.
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{\an8}Oh, right, driving.
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{\an8}Okay, boy, you know the drill.
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{\an8}I can't get sucked into a conversation
with Milhouse's loser dad,
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so you need to bail out of the car
without me coming to a full stop.
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Don't push me. I'm trying to time my jump.
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Love you, bud.
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Hey, buddy. Come check out
this new sprinkler I bought.
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360 rotation, ma friend.
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Stuck at 90.
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It was doing it this morning, I swear.
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Get in here, or you'll be trampled.
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Trampled, eh?
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Death or Kirk?
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Death or Kirk?
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Death, it is.
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{\an8}Due to this tragic
and not-at-all-my-fault stampede
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{\an8}- of hopped-up wildlife…
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{\an8}…all citizens are required
to shelter in place.
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{\an8}At least until the badgers
come down from the Ritalin.
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Looks like we're having a sleepover.
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Boys' night!
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Yay!
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Nay.
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Hope everyone's hungry for spaghetti!
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Mmm!
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And to wash it down, the pasta water.
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Ooh.
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You drink the water
you boil the noodles in?
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Doesn't everyone?
It's got all the nutrients.
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I love my "noody" juice.
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This family sucks.
Everything they do is different and wrong.
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May I be excused to go to the bathroom?
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Do you need to winkle or make?
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Ew.
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Today,
I show you how to restore full rotation
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on the sprinkler head.
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Step one, remove splash plate.
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Why aren't you sleeping in your bedroom?
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Oh, Luann won't let me sleep in our bed
'cause of my night sweats
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and night farting and also something I'm
too embarrassed to talk about.
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Uh-huh. Can I get one of those saltines?
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Have a whole sleeve.
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I get a 5% employee discount
at the cracker factory.
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I took that in lieu
of the pension.
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Marge won't let me
eat crackers in bed
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because it makes the bed all crumby.
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Oh, man. That's how it starts.
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Next thing you know, you can't even
take your socks off in your own house.
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Kirk, socks!
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Well, it's been really great
having you guys.
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We'll finish the jigsaw puzzle next time.
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We got the corners! That's the hard part!
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Well, great. Now it does a full rotation.
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And they say "winkle" instead of "whiz."
Who says "winkle"?
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We should. I think it's cute.
Winkle.
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Oh, no, it's him. I'm not here.
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Oh, hi, Kirk. Are you okay?
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You're not looking your most,
uh, sheveled.
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Yeah, that's because I haven't slept
in a week.
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I couldn't stop thinking about
how cracker crumbs
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are destroying your marital bed.
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Who told you that?
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- Not me.
- Oh, hey, buddy.
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I kept wondering about how I could
save your sexless marriage,
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and then some teens dropped
candy apples on my car from an overpass.
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They weren't all teens.
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I mean, tell us more.
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When the apples hit my windshield,
the glass cracked like a spiderweb
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but didn't spray any shards.
And that is when I had an epiphany.
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I could use that same technology
to make a crumbless cracker.
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A crumbless cracker? That's madness.
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All I had to do was create a new
edible polymer and a mouth-safe adhesive.
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And after working on that
for 96 hours straight,
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I came up with this.
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Take a bite, buddy.
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It broke clean.
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Kirk Van Houten,
you did something incredible.
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No, Homer, we did something incredible.
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This is big, man.
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It's just hard to wrap my head
around the idea of a cracker
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that doesn't crumb
and a you that doesn't suck.
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Oh, yeah, I-I used to suck pretty hard,
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yeah, but you brought me out of it
with your brilliant insight.
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And now…
now I need you to take a leap of faith.
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I do like faith.
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It is the best way to get out
of thinking about stuff.
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Quit your job and partner with me
in a new, cutting-edge cracker company.
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Homer? A cracker bro?
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Let's take a walk.
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Picture something for me.
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Imagine this street is your whole life.
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Whoa.
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For a while,
your existence was pretty good,
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but then things got hard
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and life's crackers began to shower you
with their crumbs.
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The job.
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The boy.
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The hair.
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All those crumbs you endured were worth it
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because they led you to a different path.
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And after we walk it,
you're gonna be a hero
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to your family…
…and to the world.
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I wanna share this journey with you
because you're a good man.
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I love you.
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I love you too.
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Tell me, do you dare wipe away
these starchy particles of shame?
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Homer, will you join me
down this unknown road?
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I just have one question.
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If there's no crumbs,
what's that on your shirt?
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Dandruff.
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I'm in.
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{\an8}Excuse me, sir, would you like to taste
the future of bland food?
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{\an8}Mmm.
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{\an8}Not bad. And no crumbs.
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{\an8}Tonight, I'm gonna have the cleanest beard
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{\an8}at the botched meth handoff.
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Sisters, you gotta try these.
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- Mmm. And no crumbs.
- Mmm.
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It's a crispy habit
that won't mess up your habit.
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It's a miracle.
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Listen up, toilet paper hoarders
and hot dog cheapskates.
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The cracker revolution is here.
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Yums, not crumbs. Yums, not crumbs.
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Yums, not crumbs!
Yums, not crumbs!
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It's happening!
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- Ooh.
- Oh, my God.
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Um, Kirk, as your doctor,
I am deeply concerned by your behavior.
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I left you a message
regarding your--
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Not now, Doc. I've gotta change the world.
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And no crumbs.
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{\an8}
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Good news.
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Delta Air Lines just ordered
cracker sleeves for their entire fleet.
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Going crumbless is gonna save them
$1.5 million a day in cleaning costs.
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All right, Dad.
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Uh, Garçon, how much is
your most expensive bottle of wine?
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Forty bucks. Snoopy's on the bottle.
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Aw, it's not good enough for my friends,
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which is why I bought
this $15,000 bottle at auction.
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Uh, sweetheart,
isn't that a little pricey?
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Honey, if there's one thing I know,
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it's that there will always be
enough money for everything forever.
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We are eternity.
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Nothing goes away.
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Dad, you're being a little weird.
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Oh, Milhouse, you're so wise.
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And, Luann, you're just so freaking hot.
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I wish I was that lobster bib,
just so damp and all over you.
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Does Kirk seem a little bejazzled?
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We're missing
his brilliant insights.
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Oh, I just love the feeling of your sweat
touching my sweat.
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Oh… Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
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Oh, let me get a better look at you, baby.
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Come here, come here.
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- Be careful!
- Honey, please.
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Oh, come on, baby.
Shake your Milhouse maker.
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I wanna bang the whole world!
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Sixteen, 17, 18, 19…
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Amazing.
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I don't know what's happening
with Mr. Van Houten.
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It's like he's on something.
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More like he's off something.
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You see,
Kirk suffers from bipolar disorder,
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and he ran out of his meds
during the pharmaceutical shortage
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caused by that horribly ill-advised
wildlife crossing.
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And when the drug supply returned,
Kirk refused to go back on his meds
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because he felt like, quote,
"Superman surfing a hurricane."
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I'm afraid your friend is now
well into a manic phase.
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Um, Dr. Hibbert,
should you be telling us all this?
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Probably not, but I just had
five mac-and-cheeseball martinis.
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00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:11,045
I guess doctor-patient confidentiality
doesn't stand a chance
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00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,589
against deep-fried gin.
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00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,550
I feel terrible.
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00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:20,513
He needs to get back on his medication.
Kirk has a serious illness.
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00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:24,350
Marge, you just had
a $3,000 glass of wine.
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00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,102
How is that an illness?
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00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,729
Yeah, Kirk rules.
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00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:30,982
He's like the Joker in those awesome
Batman movies where there's no Batman.
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00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,901
According to the DSM-5,
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"Bipolar disorder type one
causes periods of up, elated behavior
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00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:40,241
followed by down periods
of despair and hopelessness."
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00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,326
Guys, wait up!
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00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,036
I-I need to tell you something.
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00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,999
Thank you for coming, buddy.
Really appreciate it.
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00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:52,170
I don't even live
in this direction!
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00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:01,638
Hi, Luann. I wanted to talk
about Kirk's behavior last night.
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00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:05,058
It seemed a little, uh, unmedicated?
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00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,268
Oh, right. Kirk's "disorder."
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00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,938
It turns out there's a cure: money.
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00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,523
That'll be all, Cashington.
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00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:14,400
But aren't you worried that--
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00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:18,279
That I won't be able to keep him
sexually satisfied? Of course I am.
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00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,657
We've made love four times today.
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00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:24,202
Five if you count the time he took me
at Panera Bread.
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00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:26,120
Why wouldn't you count that one?
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00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:30,166
Listen, Marge, I know you're only here
because you wanna sleep with Kirk.
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00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,918
I do not.
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00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:33,002
Really?
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00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,506
He just became a minority owner
of the Calgary Flames.
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00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,633
Oh, they haven't been good for years.
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00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:42,512
Aren't you at least worried
about how this could affect Milhouse?
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00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:45,598
Look at me. I'm Daddy.
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That's going to be
the boarding school's problem.
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00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,438
{\an8}You're watching CNBC:
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{\an8}The Crackers,
Nothing but Crackers Network.
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00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,901
{\an8}I'm Harper Poppyseed,
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00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,279
{\an8}- and this is Crunch Time: Live.
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00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:03,241
{\an8}Today, we talk with the genius behind
the crumbless cracker, Kirk Van Houten,
239
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,285
{\an8}and his cofounder, Homer Simpson.
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00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:09,539
{\an8}Your Kirkers brand now controls 6%
of the national saltine market.
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00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,207
{\an8}What are your plans for expansion?
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00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,959
{\an8}We don't have a plan for expansion.
243
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,669
{\an8}We have a plan for domination.
244
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,587
{\an8}I eat skyscrapers.
245
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:19,465
{\an8}Um, what my colleague is saying
is that we have a plan
246
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,592
{\an8}for measured steady growth.
247
00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:23,720
{\an8}What is this thing? I hate it.
248
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,305
{\an8}Do you mean the stock ticker?
249
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,598
{\an8}Oh, look, it's Cheez-Its.
250
00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:31,561
{\an8}Oh, those cheddar chumps turned me down
for a job seven years ago.
251
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,314
{\an8}Hey, Zits, tell me how ma butt tastes.
252
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:36,899
{\an8}Well, that's all the time we have.
Thanks for joining us.
253
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:40,903
{\an8}Mr. Van Houten, your competitors say
your product is not all it's crack--
254
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,697
{\an8}We really gonna talk about crackers
255
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:45,033
{\an8}when humanity is on the verge
of extinction…
256
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,827
{\an8}…and I am the only one
who can save us?
257
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,328
{\an8}Excuse me?
258
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:51,873
{\an8}Once temperatures on the Earth's surface
become lethal,
259
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,751
{\an8}we need to transport citizens
to the ocean floor
260
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,753
{\an8}using a high-speed aquatic rocket.
261
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,504
{\an8}Ooh. Oh, my God.
262
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:03,593
Mr. Van Houten, your stock has plummeted
over 60% since the start of our interview.
263
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:08,473
And humanity needs to plummet
2,000 fathoms to the ocean floor.
264
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,975
Fund the aqua rocket now.
265
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,478
Oh… It's no longer safe for me to be here.
266
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,064
Ow.
267
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:17,982
It's not a real city.
268
00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,359
Homer, I don't feel so good.
269
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:29,660
Hey, buddy. What you doing?
270
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,162
Checking the weather.
271
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:34,082
"Gray and cloudy." Refresh.
272
00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:37,001
"Gray and cloudy." Refresh.
273
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:41,839
You know how some people think
you're something called "bipolar"?
274
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:45,426
Not me, but this might be the other pole.
275
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:48,679
I think I'm gonna stop brushing my teeth.
276
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:52,100
This is the FBI. We have a warrant.
277
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,772
Why is the FBI here?
278
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:00,983
Uh, because I stole money
from the cracker company
279
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,485
to fund the aqua rocket,
280
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:06,114
and now we're being investigated
by the SEC.
281
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,783
The Salty Edibles Commission?
282
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,827
No. No, no, no!
283
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,204
Mmm, my hand smells like cheese.
284
00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,623
What the hell is happening?
285
00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:18,167
Well, Kirk has been stealing money
from the company
286
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,003
to fund an underwater super boat
that doesn't exist.
287
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,005
Well, everyone is terrified.
288
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:26,467
As soon as the FBI came in,
Bart ran upstairs.
289
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:28,511
Not the feds, not the feds.
290
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:34,183
You know how I was warning you
about how Kirk was bipolar?
291
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:37,687
I was the one…
You-You didn't…
292
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,690
It's okay. It's okay. I forgive you.
293
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,817
I have a plan to make everything right.
294
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,652
What could you possibly do?
295
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,988
I've gotta take the fall
for Kirk's crimes.
296
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:49,824
Our family's in ruins!
297
00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:53,828
No, no. Look, if Kirk goes to jail,
the cracker company is worthless.
298
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:57,832
But if I confess, our shares
in the business will make us rich.
299
00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,959
No amount of money can fix this.
300
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:01,669
Not even this much?
301
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:04,046
Not even th…
302
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,424
I-I-I still don't think you should do it.
303
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:09,135
Oh, there's another zero.
304
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:12,847
It doesn't matter. Promise me
you won't take the fall for Kirk.
305
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:16,934
Okay, I promise.
I'll think of another way.
306
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:21,063
Dearest Marge,
I couldn't think of another way.
307
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,357
Please try not to gasp.
308
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:26,485
I'll be okay.
They'll send me to a white-collar prison
309
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:29,780
that probably has lots of DVDs
in their DVD library.
310
00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:34,202
Kiss Lisa and Maggie
and strangle the boy for me. Love, Homer.
311
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,831
♪ When your day is long ♪
312
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,752
♪ And at night ♪
313
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:46,839
♪ At night, you snack alone ♪
314
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:54,972
♪ When you're sure your hunger's gone ♪
315
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,226
♪ For this life ♪
316
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,355
♪ Well, hang on ♪
317
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:10,321
♪ Don't let yourself choke ♪
318
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:18,496
♪ Just because your mouth is dry ♪
319
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:25,962
♪ Everybody Kirks ♪
320
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:30,132
♪ Crumb times ♪
321
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:37,598
♪ Well, everybody Kirks ♪
322
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,643
♪ At crumb times ♪
323
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:44,689
♪ When crackers taste like lies ♪
324
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:52,905
♪ Everybody Kirks ♪
325
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:56,742
♪ So munch on ♪
326
00:17:57,827 --> 00:18:00,329
♪ Munch on ♪
327
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:05,251
♪ Everybody Kirks ♪
328
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,545
Munch on, Kirk.
329
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,800
I need to talk to your husband now.
330
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:16,053
Oh, look. Kitty needs her ball of yarn.
331
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,222
I see you wore your sluttiest dress.
332
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,433
Whatever. Where is he?
333
00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:26,272
Oh, Kirk, I know you're not to blame
for this depression, and I'm sorry.
334
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:31,027
But Homer is… Stop eating turkey!
335
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,445
Blech.
336
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:34,280
Wake up.
337
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:39,827
Kirk, you're only supposed
to use the pool shower.
338
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,414
Sad, Marge. Just sad.
339
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:47,043
Homer is on his way
to confess to your crimes.
340
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,879
You have to go to the FBI
and tell them the truth.
341
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,381
Milhouse is crying on me.
342
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:56,969
Dr. Hibbert gave me your pills.
God love him, but he's so unethical.
343
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,388
If you take these, you'll feel better.
344
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,141
But no one likes me when I'm regular Kirk.
345
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:05,645
When I stopped taking my meds,
everyone liked me.
346
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:06,771
I didn't.
347
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:11,484
But if you ever cared about
your friendship with Homer, take this.
348
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,448
Homer's been gone for so long.
349
00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,033
There's no time to catch up to him
350
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:21,952
before he confesses
and my family is destroyed.
351
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:25,873
Whoa. Yes, there is. The-The aqua rocket.
352
00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:31,921
There is no aqua rocket. It only exists
in your manic, psychotic mind.
353
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,141
This is incredible.
354
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:46,185
Oh, I couldn't even get the color right.
355
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:49,605
The missiles don't even work.
I'm so stupid.
356
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:57,905
Is this what being manic feels like?
357
00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,073
Yeah.
358
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:01,075
Now I get it.
359
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,330
Aqua rocket?
360
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:14,171
But I can't let you go to jail.
The world needs you. I need you.
361
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:18,259
The person you need is Manic Kirk,
and he's gone.
362
00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:22,263
But we were going to walk down
the unknown road together.
363
00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:26,308
Hey, hey. We'll always have
Cracker Con Cleveland.
364
00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:35,860
Kirk, never forget. You are the best dude.
365
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:51,584
♪ I am, I am, I am Superman ♪
366
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:55,171
♪ And I know what's happening ♪
367
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:03,512
{\an8}♪ If you go a million miles away ♪
368
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:07,349
{\an8}♪ I'll track you down, girl ♪
369
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,810
{\an8}♪ Trust me when I say ♪
370
00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:13,898
{\an8}♪ I know the pathway to your heart ♪
371
00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:18,736
{\an8}♪ I am, I am, I am Superman ♪
372
00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:22,531
{\an8}♪ And I know what's happening ♪
373
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:29,205
{\an8}♪ I am, I am, I am Superman ♪
374
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:33,000
{\an8}♪ And I can do anything ♪
375
00:21:37,213 --> 00:21:39,048
{\an8}