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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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{\an8}And will, to the best of my ability,
uphold the standards and traditions
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{\an8}of the Springfield Elementary
Parent-Teacher Association.
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{\an8}Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson.
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{\an8}I'm sure your tenure as our new
PTA president will be a rousing success.
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{\an8}Also, the state is closing this school forever.
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{\an8}Yes, well, that is well-gasped,
because Comptroller Atkins has decided
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{\an8}that one school must be
closed at the end of the year,
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{\an8}and Springfield Elementary
is the obvious candidate
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{\an8}due to its staggeringly low test
scores and persistent infestation of owls.
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{\an8}This is terrible.
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{\an8}The teachers and myself will all
be scattered to different schools.
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{\an8}Now, rest assured that will not happen.
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{\an8}You'll all be fired.
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{\an8}Bombardment.
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{\an8}This means Martin would have to
go to West Springfield Elementary.
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{\an8}It's a 15-minute longer bus ride.
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{\an8}That's three more wedgies!
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{\an8}Five, if the lights are against him.
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{\an8}Okay, people, okay. Let's
not panic. We still have time.
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{\an8}If we put our heads together,
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{\an8}maybe we can find a way to prove
our school is worthy of being spared.
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{\an8}Vote the fascist out.
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Oh, we're going to need a
miracle to save the school.
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Maybe we could impress the state school board
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by sending them pencils printed with quotations
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from history's most brilliant thinkers.
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Oh, sweetie, that's just the
type of thing you would pitch.
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Thank you?
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We can do this.
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All our school has to do is suck a
little bit less than the next suckiest one.
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We don't say "suck" in
this family. We say "sudge."
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But our school sudges so sudging hard.
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It sudges monkey nudge!
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Homer, do you have any ideas?
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Unlock ball return.
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A thousand more pins, and
I upgrade my lane arrows.
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Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
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Oh, you're so checked out
playing that stupid game.
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It helps me relax after a long day of work.
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D'oh!
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Ball jam? This is the last thing I sudging need!
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Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
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{\an8}I got two of the circle ones.
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See, when I say the students should
do a Squid Game to save the school,
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everyone assumes I mean
it should be to the death,
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but it don't have to be.
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Necessarily.
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- Ahem. Excuse me--
- I say we move the school to a galleon
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and have those overpaid teachers
work for jolly limes and hardtack.
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Excuse me.
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I propose a Shakespeare festival,
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but not the obvious fan pleasers.
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I give you Timon of Athens.
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I said excuse me!
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I have the answer.
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Now, who here's heard of the classic
children's book The Plucky Little Goat?
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- Oh, my goodness.
- Yar.
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Ooh, I love that book! Homer
and I used to read it to the kids.
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The Plucky Little Goat taught me
that despite humanity's rough edges,
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we all have an innate
goodness that can't be denied.
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Oh, sweetie, that's just the
kind of review you would give.
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Are you mad at me?
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I like when the goat says,
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"There's no problem that can't
be solved with a good headbutt."
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Oh, yeah!
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Well, the woman who wrote and
illustrated it, Constance Clavinger,
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{\an8}hasn't been seen for 30 years.
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{\an8}They say she's ungettable.
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{\an8}Well, guess again.
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{\an8}My Geoffrey knows someone
in England who knows her.
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{\an8}I called in a favor from a very old friend.
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- Let me tell it!
- It's my story.
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I tell it better! I tell it!
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Constance Clavinger has agreed to come
from England to our upcoming bookfair
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and read for the first time ever
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her long-awaited sequel
to The Plucky Little Goat.
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There's a sequel?
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We'll get covered by the
local news, national news,
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and every reporter I carry in my
pocket like so many nickels and dimes.
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With this once-in-a-lifetime literary triumph,
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the state won't dare close us down.
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We'll be saved.
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Okay, I'm off to pick up
Constance Clavinger at the airport.
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I'll see you at the fair.
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Go for Marge.
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{\an8}Now, we need you down here ASAP.
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{\an8}Helen Lovejoy is rounding
up all the books that, quote,
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{\an8}"Glorify the seven deadly sins."
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"The Very Hungry Caterpillar?" Gluttony defined.
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Uh, you'll have to handle it.
Constance Clavinger lands in an hour.
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But only you can talk Helen down.
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What's that little engine trying
to get up the hill for anyway?
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Steam-powered fornication?
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Okay, I'll be right there.
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I just have to find someone
who can pick up Ms. Clavinger.
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- Marge! Marge!
- You'll do it?
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I already did it. I unlocked
the claw machine in the arcade.
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That's a mini game with its own currency.
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Claw, claw, claw, claw, claw.
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Homer, I need you to go to the
airport and pick up Ms. Clavinger.
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You have to be focused.
You cannot be checked out.
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Claw?
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If you don't get her to the bookfair,
the kids will have to go to a new school,
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and you'll have to meet new parents!
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{\an8}Flight 72 from London is now arriving.
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Welcome to the United States of America.
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Your ICE agent will greet you at baggage claim.
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I suppose you're waiting for me.
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{\an8}Homer Simpson, your American driver.
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{\an8}My car is illegally parked
just outside the Brexit.
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Brilliant to meet you, Homer.
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If you don't mind, I just
need a moment to freshen up.
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British people are so classy.
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Maybe I should start saying
freshen up instead of take a dump.
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Okay, I'll just wait here, me and my thoughts.
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Alone with my thoughts.
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Pin, pin, pin.
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♪ Those magnificent men
In their flying machines ♪
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♪ They go up Tiddley up, up ♪
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♪ They go down Tiddley down, down ♪
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What the hell are you doing?
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I'm singing the greatest song of all time.
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Look, British goat lady, we
all agree that song's a banger,
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but I have to get you to the bookfair
so my wife can save the school.
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I'll drive.
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Eat my tires, Bridget Jones.
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This pepper pot is off her trolley!
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Look, lady, if you really wanna drink,
get hammered after you save the school.
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But right now, you gotta
sober up for the bookfair.
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Here, drink this coffee. Pretend it's tea.
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A gentleman doesn't push
things into a lady's face.
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I can handle my liquor.
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Ugh.
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Oh, lovely. Oh, good as new.
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No, that was the first of many.
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I think I may need to stop off at a boutique,
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where I can purchase a new vomit-free… …blouse.
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Okay. Hurry up. We gotta
get you to that bookfair.
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Oh, don't fret, Schlomo.
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I'll be back with a new
outfit in an Old York minute.
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Whoops. Uh.
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♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
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Accent lady? Nanny McPhee? Where are you?
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I'm ever so over here!
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Oh, be a lamb and help me with these.
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How much clothes do you
need for one book reading?
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Stop that shoplifter and her portly pally!
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Constance Clavinger does not shoplift.
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I have a charge account at Harrods.
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Is this Harrods?
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Well, isn't this a fine kettle of fish?
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It's a terrible kettle of fish!
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And this is coming from a
guy who loves fish kettles.
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Why aren't you classy, like my
favorite British person, Prince Andrew?
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Yo, show this woman a little respect.
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Ms. Clavinger, I am honored
to share an outlet mall jail cell
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with the creator of the goat
who taught me right from wrong.
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I chose wrong.
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Oh, well, aren't you a naughty crumpet?
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It's Marge!
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Okay, I let Helen burn a couple
of kids' books by Colin Jost.
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That seemed to get it out of her system.
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Burn, whoever you are.
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But you should be here
with Ms. Clavinger by now.
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I just vacuumed the red
carpet. Is everything okay?
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No, everything's not okay.
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Clavinger's plastered, and we're
trapped in an outlet mall jail.
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What? What did you do?
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It's all my fault, I'm afraid.
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Marge, your Hagrid is an absolute treasure.
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Now, don't you worry, I will sort this out
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and read to those children
in two shakes of a corgi's tail.
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Aw. Corgis tails do shake fast.
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She's on her way.
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Oh, I'm so sorry, Homer.
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Oh, I've gone and cocked it all up with
my drinking and accidental shoplifting
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and accidental cocaine snorting.
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Well, it's all because I haven't
written anything in 30 years,
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and I'm ever so nervous about
reading my new book in public.
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But now, the children will never hear it.
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Oh, yes, they will. It's like the
Plucky Little Goat always says:
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"Follow your heart and trust in your friends,
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and there is no problem that
can't be solved with a good
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- "headbutt."
- Headbutt!
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Of course. This is an outlet mall,
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so even the jail is made of factory rejects.
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- There's my car.
- I'll drive.
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Toss me the keys.
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Thank you for trusting me, friend.
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Sudge!
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Okay, we can still make it.
We just need to get a cab.
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00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:25,351
But my book is in my shoulder bag,
which is on the back seat of your car.
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Why me, God, you miserable space bastard?
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00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:35,486
Wait a minute. We can find
the car using my tracking app.
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Thank you, you wonderful space bastard!
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There's a tracker in your car?
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00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:43,369
No, there's a sub sandwich in the glove box,
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and I put a tracker on that.
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00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,000
That sub had extra mayo.
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00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,837
Hey, I need to commandeer
your vehicle. Husband emergency!
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00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,422
But I'm on my way to dialysis.
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Quit hogging life, boomer!
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What? Oh.
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Okay, we have to sneak down there
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and get your book out of
my car without them noticing.
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That will be the stickiest
of wickets after they crush it.
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My sandwich!
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I'm coming mayo!
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You risked your life to save my book!
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Oh, I could kiss you, you
wonderful skin snowman.
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Ooh. Oh.
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Oh, oh, oh. Now I dropped my galleys.
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Never fear, milady. I've got them.
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00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,525
Every heartwarming page
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where The Plucky Little Goat
is fed into a sausage grinder?
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You can't read this to children!
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Ooh. But I must read it to
children in a grand public setting.
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It's the only way I'll kill
off that whinging goat
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once and for all!
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But why?
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Do you know what it's like
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being hounded by children and
former children wherever you go,
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forced to perpetuate a fairy tale
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that the world is full of wonderful
people nibbling on crumble cakes,
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and even the ugliest toad has a soul of gold?
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Oh, rubbish!
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People betray you,
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like my husband, when I caught him in
bed with the checkout girl from Tesco!
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And do you know what was tattooed
on her 22-year-old arse cheek?
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The Plucky Little Goat!
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Arse means ass!
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When those wide-eyed innocents
get an earful of goat sausage,
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I'll bring the whole ruddy
thing down in a blaze of glory!
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All bridges burned!
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I'll be free!
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There is no way I am taking
you to that bookfair now.
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00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,287
Then I shall find my own way!
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00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,669
Constance Clavinger? Hop in!
240
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:43,508
Next stop: disillusioned children!
241
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:56,478
All right, Homer, that coked-up
Camilla's gonna break all those kids' brains
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00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,563
unless you stop her.
243
00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:01,734
No time to waste talking to yourself.
You've gotta focus like you've never…
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00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,111
A push notice!
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00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,863
My life's work.
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00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:08,282
My wife's work.
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00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:14,038
No! Sorry, Internet lanes. Find
some other sucker's life to waste.
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My kidneys.
249
00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:30,471
This is Arnie Pye with Pye in the Air.
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00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:33,348
I'm transporting the great Constance Clavinger
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00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,893
to the Springfield Elementary bookfair.
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00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,104
I'm gonna get her there in record time,
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00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:42,149
barring, of course, any breaking traffic news.
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00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:45,444
Breaking traffic news, eh? For the children!
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00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:48,447
Take that, little man's car!
256
00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:52,618
Look at that snarl-up. I
am duty-bound to report it.
257
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,373
No!
258
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:04,172
I must sacrifice that goat! I simply must!
259
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,924
Ah!
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Poppins power activate.
261
00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:14,056
Oh, muffins.
262
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:20,604
You'll never stop me from blowing up my life!
263
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,440
There's still time to kill her.
264
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,323
Hey. Hey!
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Seriously concussed.
266
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:41,959
Slipping into children's book fantasy.
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Hey!
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00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:13,991
Ow!
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00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:17,995
Hmm.
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00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:26,462
Pin. Pin. Pin.
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00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,005
Pin.
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00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,550
Get ready, kiddies.
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No!
274
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,018
Marge, you promised me Constance Clavinger,
275
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:44,062
and instead, you delivered Colin Jost?
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00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:48,233
"'Toot, toot, toot, ' went the
ferry as it splish-splash-sploodled
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away from Staten Island."
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00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,696
Boo!
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00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,782
Clavinger in the house!
280
00:17:58,286 --> 00:18:00,621
She's here! Oh, my God!
281
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:05,167
Well, of course I'm here, and I'm ready to read.
282
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,668
Clavinger, heel!
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00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:10,714
You can't stop me. I need to be free.
284
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:14,968
Constance, I'm sorry being rich
and famous has been so hard for you,
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00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,763
but over the course of today,
I remembered something.
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00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:20,849
I used to read The Plucky
Little Goat to my kids.
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00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:24,394
After all, books are better
parents than I could ever be.
288
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:28,649
But then my kids got older, and
I lost my mind to phone games.
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00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,984
I can't make new memories.
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00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:35,114
So please, don't ruin the only good ones I have.
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00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:41,912
That's the most moving,
genuine, heartfelt speech
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00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:44,498
I've ever decided to ignore.
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00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:45,666
Toodles.
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00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:57,135
"The Further Adventures
of The Plucky Little Goat."
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00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,595
Homie, you did it.
296
00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:02,140
Bart and Lisa will never forget this day.
297
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:03,809
Yeah, they sure won't.
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00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,936
"One dreary morning,
299
00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:10,691
the Plucky Little Goat awoke with
a feeling today would be special,
300
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:15,821
but not in a happy way,
because this was the day that…"
301
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:27,916
The Plucky Little Goat decided today
302
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,378
- would be a different story.
- Huh?
303
00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:35,424
The Plucky Little Goat was
far from her barnyard home,
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00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:39,011
in a strange place with
lots of guns and no vaccines.
305
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:44,099
{\an8}Then at the airport, she met
a great big hippopotamus,
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00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:47,144
{\an8}who smelled like the worst parts of the jungle,
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00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:50,397
{\an8}but who was kindly just the same.
308
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:55,611
And thanks to him, they
had a wonderful adventure.
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00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,198
The smelly hippo showed the goat
310
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:03,619
that there are things
worth saving in this world,
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00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:08,373
like children's innocence and
mayo-drenched sandwiches,
312
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:14,796
and not all people will cheat on you
with a much younger grocery whore.
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00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,382
The end.
314
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,054
{\an8}The wait was worth it.
315
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:31,021
Homie, you weren't checked
out. You were present.
316
00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:35,735
For once in our marriage, I didn't sudge.
317
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:52,417
{\an8}Pretty sexy, huh?
318
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:55,754
{\an8}It's not bad. I like mine better.
319
00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,589
{\an8}Why did we have to come watch this?
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00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,091
{\an8}'Cause it's family day.
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00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,831
Shh!