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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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{\an8}And will, to the best of my ability,
uphold the standards and traditions
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{\an8}of the Springfield Elementary
Parent-Teacher Association.
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{\an8}Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson.
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{\an8}I'm sure your tenure as our new
PTA president will be a rousing success.
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{\an8}Also, the state is closing
this school forever.
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{\an8}[all gasp]
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{\an8}Yes, well, that is well-gasped,
because Comptroller Atkins has decided
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{\an8}that one school must be closed
at the end of the year,
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{\an8}and Springfield Elementary
is the obvious candidate
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{\an8}due to its staggeringly low test scores
and persistent infestation of owls.
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{\an8}[hooting]
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{\an8}[all whisper]
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{\an8}This is terrible.
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{\an8}The teachers and myself will all
be scattered to different schools.
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{\an8}Now, rest assured that will not happen.
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{\an8}You'll all be fired.
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{\an8}Bombardment.
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{\an8}This means Martin would have
to go to West Springfield Elementary.
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{\an8}It's a 15-minute longer bus ride.
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{\an8}[gasps] That's three more wedgies!
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{\an8}[scoffs] Five,
if the lights are against him.
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{\an8}[clamoring]
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{\an8}Okay, people, okay. Let's not panic.
We still have time.
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{\an8}If we put our heads together,
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{\an8}maybe we can find a way to prove
our school is worthy of being spared.
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{\an8}Vote the fascist out.
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{\an8}[clamoring]
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[groans]
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Oh, we're going to need a miracle
to save the school.
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Maybe we could impress
the state school board
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by sending them pencils
printed with quotations
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from history's most brilliant thinkers.
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Oh, sweetie, that's just the type
of thing you would pitch.
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Thank you?
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We can do this.
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All our school has to do is suck a little
bit less than the next suckiest one.
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We don't say "suck" in this family.
We say "sudge."
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[groans] But our school
sudges so sudging hard.
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It sudges monkey nudge!
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Homer, do you have any ideas?
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[phone game beeps]
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[Homer] Unlock ball return.
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A thousand more pins,
and I upgrade my lane arrows.
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Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
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Oh, you're so checked out
playing that stupid game.
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It helps me relax
after a long day of work.
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-[sad trombone plays on phone]
-D'oh!
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Ball jam?
This is the last thing I sudging need!
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Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
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{\an8}I got two of the circle ones.
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See, when I say the students should
do a Squid Game to save the school,
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everyone assumes I mean
it should be to the death,
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but it don't have to be.
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Necessarily.
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-Ahem. Excuse me--
-I say we move the school to a galleon
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and have those overpaid teachers
work for jolly limes and hardtack.
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Excuse me.
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I propose a Shakespeare festival,
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but not the obvious fan pleasers.
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I give you Timon of Athens.
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-I said excuse me!
-[Sideshow Mel grunts]
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I have the answer. [sighs]
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Now, who here's heard of the classic
children's book The Plucky Little Goat?
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-[crowd person] Oh, my goodness.
-[Horatio] Yar.
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Ooh, I love that book!
Homer and I used to read it to the kids.
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The Plucky Little Goat taught me
that despite humanity's rough edges,
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we all have an innate goodness
that can't be denied.
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Oh, sweetie, that's just
the kind of review you would give.
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Are you mad at me?
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I like when the goat says,
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"There's no problem that can't be
solved with a good headbutt."
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[both grunt]
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-Oh, yeah!
-[all agreeing]
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Well, the woman who wrote
and illustrated it, Constance Clavinger,
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{\an8}hasn't been seen for 30 years.
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{\an8}They say she's ungettable.
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{\an8}Well, guess again.
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{\an8}My Geoffrey knows someone
in England who knows her.
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{\an8}I called in a favor
from a very old friend.
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-Let me tell it!
-It's my story.
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I tell it better! I tell it!
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[groans]
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Constance Clavinger has agreed to come
from England to our upcoming bookfair
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and read for the first time ever
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her long-awaited sequel
to The Plucky Little Goat.
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There's a sequel? [screams]
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We'll get covered by the local news,
national news,
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and every reporter I carry in my pocket
like so many nickels and dimes.
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With this once-in-a-lifetime
literary triumph,
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the state won't dare close us down.
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-We'll be saved.
-[cheering]
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Okay, I'm off to pick up
Constance Clavinger at the airport.
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-I'll see you at the fair.
-[phone rings]
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Go for Marge.
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{\an8}[whispering] Now,
we need you down here ASAP.
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{\an8}Helen Lovejoy is rounding up
all the books that, quote,
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{\an8}"Glorify the seven deadly sins."
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"The Very Hungry Caterpillar?"
Gluttony defined.
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Uh, you'll have to handle it.
Constance Clavinger lands in an hour.
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[Bernice]
But only you can talk Helen down.
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What's that little engine
trying to get up the hill for anyway?
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Steam-powered fornication?
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[sighs] Okay, I'll be right there.
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I just have to find someone
who can pick up Ms. Clavinger.
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-Marge! Marge!
-You'll do it?
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I already did it.
I unlocked the claw machine in the arcade.
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That's a mini game with its own currency.
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Claw, claw, claw, claw, claw.
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Homer, I need you to go
to the airport and pick up Ms. Clavinger.
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You have to be focused.
You cannot be checked out.
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Claw?
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If you don't get her to the bookfair,
the kids will have to go to a new school,
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and you'll have to meet new parents!
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[shrieks]
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[tires squeal]
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{\an8}[airport announcer on PA]
Flight 72 from London is now arriving.
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Welcome to the United States of America.
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Your ICE agent will greet you
at baggage claim.
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I suppose you're waiting for me.
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{\an8}Homer Simpson, your American driver.
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{\an8}My car is illegally parked
just outside the Brexit.
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Brilliant to meet you, Homer.
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If you don't mind,
I just need a moment to freshen up.
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[thinking] British people are so classy.
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Maybe I should start saying
freshen up instead of take a dump.
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Okay, I'll just wait here,
me and my thoughts.
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Alone with my thoughts.
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Pin, pin, pin.
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Pin, pin, pin.
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[Clavinger laughing]
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[inhales sharply]
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♪ Those magnificent men
In their flying machines ♪
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♪ They go up
Tiddley up, up ♪
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♪ They go down
Tiddley down, down ♪
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[piano glissando]
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What the hell are you doing?
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[chuckles]
I'm singing the greatest song of all time.
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Look, British goat lady,
we all agree that song's a banger,
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but I have to get you to the bookfair
so my wife can save the school.
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I'll drive.
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[vocalizes, laughs]
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[tires screech]
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Eat my tires, Bridget Jones. [laughing]
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This pepper pot is off her trolley!
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[tires squeal]
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Look, lady, if you really wanna drink,
get hammered after you save the school.
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But right now,
you gotta sober up for the bookfair.
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Here, drink this coffee. Pretend it's tea.
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A gentleman doesn't push things
into a lady's face.
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[scoffs] I can handle my liquor.
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[retches] Ugh.
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Oh, lovely. Oh, good as new.
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No, that was the first of many. [retching]
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I think I may need to stop off
at a boutique,
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where I can purchase
a new vomit-free… [retching] …blouse.
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[coughs]
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Okay. Hurry up.
We gotta get you to that bookfair.
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Oh, don't fret, Schlomo.
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I'll be back with a new outfit
in an Old York minute.
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-Whoops. Uh.
-[tires screech]
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♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
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Accent lady? Nanny McPhee? Where are you?
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I'm ever so over here!
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Oh, be a lamb and help me with these.
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How much clothes do you need
for one book reading?
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Stop that shoplifter and her portly pally!
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[gasps]
Constance Clavinger does not shoplift.
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I have a charge account at Harrods.
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Is this Harrods?
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Well, isn't this a fine kettle of fish?
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It's a terrible kettle of fish!
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And this is coming
from a guy who loves fish kettles.
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Why aren't you classy, like my favorite
British person, Prince Andrew?
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[Snake]
Yo, show this woman a little respect.
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Ms. Clavinger, I am honored
to share an outlet mall jail cell
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with the creator of the goat
who taught me right from wrong.
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I chose wrong.
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Oh, well, aren't you a naughty crumpet?
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-[groans]
-[phone rings]
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[shrieks] It's Marge!
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Okay, I let Helen burn a couple
of kids' books by Colin Jost.
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That seemed to get it out of her system.
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Burn, whoever you are.
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But you should be here
with Ms. Clavinger by now.
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I just vacuumed the red carpet.
Is everything okay?
187
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No, everything's not okay.
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Clavinger's plastered,
and we're trapped in an outlet mall jail.
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What? What did you do?
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It's all my fault, I'm afraid.
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Marge, your Hagrid
is an absolute treasure.
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Now, don't you worry, I will sort this out
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and read to those children
in two shakes of a corgi's tail.
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00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:09,609
Aw. Corgis tails do shake fast.
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She's on her way. [chuckles]
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[all exclaim]
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00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:17,909
Oh, I'm so sorry, Homer.
198
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:22,664
Oh, I've gone and cocked it all up with
my drinking and accidental shoplifting
199
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:25,125
and accidental cocaine snorting.
200
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Well, it's all because
I haven't written anything in 30 years,
201
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and I'm ever so nervous
about reading my new book in public.
202
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But now, the children will never hear it.
203
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[sobbing]
204
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Oh, yes, they will. It's like
the Plucky Little Goat always says:
205
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"Follow your heart
and trust in your friends,
206
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:53,653
and there is no problem
that can't be solved with a good
207
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,405
-headbutt."
-Headbutt!
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00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,656
[both grunt]
209
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:59,742
Of course. This is an outlet mall,
210
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,413
so even the jail is made
of factory rejects. [grunts]
211
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,957
-There's my car.
-I'll drive.
212
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,458
Toss me the keys.
213
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:14,841
Thank you for trusting me, friend.
214
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,509
Sudge!
215
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,762
Okay, we can still make it.
We just need to get a cab.
216
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:25,351
But my book is in my shoulder bag,
which is on the back seat of your car.
217
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[yelling] Why me, God,
you miserable space bastard?
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00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:35,486
[gasps] Wait a minute.
We can find the car using my tracking app.
219
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:38,072
[yelling] Thank you,
you wonderful space bastard!
220
00:11:38,156 --> 00:11:40,700
[gasps] There's a tracker in your car?
221
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:43,369
No, there's a sub sandwich
in the glove box,
222
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,038
and I put a tracker on that.
223
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,000
That sub had extra mayo.
224
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,837
Hey, I need to commandeer your vehicle.
Husband emergency!
225
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,423
But I'm on my way to dialysis.
226
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:56,841
Quit hogging life, boomer!
227
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:57,926
-What? Oh.
-[Homer grunts]
228
00:11:58,009 --> 00:11:59,177
[tires squeal]
229
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,431
[whispering]
Okay, we have to sneak down there
230
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:07,018
and get your book
out of my car without them noticing.
231
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:11,356
That will be the stickiest
of wickets after they crush it.
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00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,364
[both scream]
233
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:20,782
[grunting]
234
00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:26,412
[gasping]
235
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:28,831
[grunts]
236
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,042
My sandwich!
237
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,879
I'm coming mayo!
238
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,509
[grunts]
239
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:43,513
You risked your life to save my book!
240
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:48,434
Oh, I could kiss you,
you wonderful skin snowman.
241
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:49,519
Ooh. Oh.
242
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,272
Oh, oh, oh. Now I dropped my galleys.
243
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:55,024
Never fear, milady. I've got them.
244
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,526
Every heartwarming page
245
00:12:56,609 --> 00:13:00,947
where The Plucky Little Goat is fed
into a sausage grinder?
246
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,991
{\an8}[reading]
247
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,042
You can't read this to children!
248
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:18,131
Ooh. But I must read it
to children in a grand public setting.
249
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:24,095
It's the only way I'll kill off
that whinging goat
250
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:26,681
once and for all!
251
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,349
But why?
252
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:30,977
Do you know what it's like
253
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:35,982
being hounded by children
and former children wherever you go,
254
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,484
forced to perpetuate a fairy tale
255
00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:43,906
that the world is full of wonderful
people nibbling on crumble cakes,
256
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:48,036
and even the ugliest toad
has a soul of gold?
257
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,704
Oh, rubbish!
258
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,914
People betray you,
259
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:57,378
like my husband, when I caught him in bed
with the checkout girl from Tesco!
260
00:13:57,462 --> 00:14:03,301
And do you know what was tattooed
on her 22-year-old arse cheek?
261
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:07,722
[inhales sharply] The Plucky Little Goat!
262
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,141
Arse means ass!
263
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:14,979
When those wide-eyed innocents
get an earful of goat sausage,
264
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:19,108
I'll bring the whole ruddy thing down
in a blaze of glory!
265
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,944
[inhales] All bridges burned!
266
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,447
I'll be free!
267
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:28,117
There is no way
I am taking you to that bookfair now.
268
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,287
Then I shall find my own way!
269
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,669
Constance Clavinger? Hop in!
270
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:43,508
Next stop: disillusioned children!
271
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,593
[maniacal laughter]
272
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,014
[laughing continues]
273
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:56,479
All right, Homer, that coked-up Camilla's
gonna break all those kids' brains
274
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,563
unless you stop her.
275
00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:01,734
No time to waste talking to yourself.
You've gotta focus like you've never…
276
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,112
-[phone beeps]
-[gasps] A push notice!
277
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,863
My life's work.
278
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:08,282
My wife's work.
279
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:14,038
No! Sorry, Internet lanes.
Find some other sucker's life to waste.
280
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,963
My kidneys. [groans]
281
00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:30,471
[on radio]
This is Arnie Pye with Pye in the Air.
282
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:33,349
I'm transporting
the great Constance Clavinger
283
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,893
to the Springfield Elementary bookfair.
284
00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,105
I'm gonna get her there in record time,
285
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:42,150
barring, of course,
any breaking traffic news.
286
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:45,444
Breaking traffic news, eh?
For the children!
287
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:48,447
[grunting] Take that, little man's car!
288
00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:52,618
Look at that snarl-up.
I am duty-bound to report it.
289
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,373
No!
290
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:04,172
I must sacrifice that goat! I simply must!
291
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,924
[snorts] Ah!
292
00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:09,051
Poppins power activate.
293
00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:14,056
Oh, muffins. [screams, grunting]
294
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:20,605
You'll never stop me
from blowing up my life!
295
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,440
There's still time to kill her.
296
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:23,941
[engine revs]
297
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:26,944
[Homer grunting, groaning]
298
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,323
Hey. Hey!
299
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:35,995
[groans] Seriously concussed.
300
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:41,959
Slipping into children's book fantasy.
301
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,588
[♪ "Won't You Be My Neighbor" playing]
302
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,132
[Homer grunting]
303
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,264
[music continues]
304
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,567
[both grunting]
305
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,072
[Moe] Hey!
306
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,198
[Ms. Hoover groans]
307
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:13,991
[Skinner] Ow!
308
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:17,995
Hmm.
309
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,121
[caterpillar screams]
310
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,251
[grunting]
311
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,377
[music stops]
312
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:26,462
Pin. Pin. Pin.
313
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,005
Pin.
314
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,173
[sputters]
315
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,551
[Clavinger] Get ready, kiddies.
316
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,052
No!
317
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,018
Marge, you promised me
Constance Clavinger,
318
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:44,063
and instead, you delivered Colin Jost?
319
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:48,234
[reading] "'Toot, toot, toot,' went
the ferry as it splish-splash-sploodled
320
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:50,069
away from Staten Island."
321
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,696
[all] Boo!
322
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,782
Clavinger in the house!
323
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:57,702
-[cheering]
-[Colin Jost grunts]
324
00:17:58,286 --> 00:18:00,621
She's here! Oh, my God!
325
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:05,167
Well, of course I'm here,
and I'm ready to read.
326
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,669
Clavinger, heel!
327
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:10,715
You can't stop me. I need to be free.
328
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:14,969
Constance, I'm sorry being rich
and famous has been so hard for you,
329
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,763
but over the course of today,
I remembered something.
330
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:20,850
I used to read The Plucky Little Goat
to my kids.
331
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:24,395
After all, books are better parents
than I could ever be.
332
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:28,649
But then my kids got older,
and I lost my mind to phone games.
333
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,985
I can't make new memories.
334
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:35,114
So please,
don't ruin the only good ones I have.
335
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:41,912
That's the most moving, genuine,
heartfelt speech
336
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:44,498
I've ever decided to ignore.
337
00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:45,666
Toodles.
338
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,466
[clears throat]
339
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:57,136
[reading] "The Further Adventures
of The Plucky Little Goat."
340
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,596
Homie, you did it.
341
00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:02,141
Bart and Lisa will never forget this day.
342
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:03,809
Yeah, they sure won't.
343
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,936
"One dreary morning,
344
00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:10,691
the Plucky Little Goat awoke
with a feeling today would be special,
345
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:15,821
but not in a happy way,
because this was the day that…"
346
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:27,917
The Plucky Little Goat decided today
347
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,379
-would be a different story.
-Huh?
348
00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:35,424
The Plucky Little Goat
was far from her barnyard home,
349
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:39,011
in a strange place
with lots of guns and no vaccines.
350
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:44,100
{\an8}Then at the airport,
she met a great big hippopotamus,
351
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:47,144
{\an8}who smelled like
the worst parts of the jungle,
352
00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:50,398
{\an8}but who was kindly just the same.
353
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:55,611
And thanks to him,
they had a wonderful adventure.
354
00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,199
The smelly hippo showed the goat
355
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:03,619
that there are things worth saving
in this world,
356
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:08,374
like children's innocence
and mayo-drenched sandwiches,
357
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:14,797
and not all people will cheat on you
with a much younger grocery whore.
358
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,382
The end.
359
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,054
{\an8}The wait was worth it.
360
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:31,021
Homie, you weren't checked out.
You were present.
361
00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:35,735
For once in our marriage, I didn't sudge.
362
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:52,418
{\an8}Pretty sexy, huh?
363
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:55,755
{\an8}It's not bad. I like mine better.
364
00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,590
{\an8}Why did we have to come watch this?
365
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,091
{\an8}'Cause it's family day.
366
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:02,386
[♪ "Those Magnificent Men
in Their Flying Machines" playing]
367
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,831
Shh!