♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
Stupid junk mail. "You may have already won."
Yeah. Win this.
"Here's good news for Homer Simpsoy..."
(scoffs) I'll see that he gets it.
How dumb do they think I am?
Huh?! A check?
(gasps)
One million dollars.
I'm rich!
(shuddering)
Mr. Simpson, I can assure you.
This check of yours is non-negotiable.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what makes you so damn sure?
You see where it says "Void, void, void,"
and "This is not a check.
Cash value 1/20th of a cent. Mr. Banker, do not honor."
Shut up.
I had a feeling it was too good to be true.
Every time you get $1 million
something queers the deal.
I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
Well, at least we got a free sample of "Reading Digest."
Marge, I never read a magazine in my life
and I'm not gonna start now.
Hey, a cartoon!
(Homer reading)
(laughs) Ain't it the truth?
No, it's not the truth, Homer.
It's well-documented
that women are safer drivers than men.
Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning.
They're just stupid drawings
that give you a cheap laugh.
Hey Einstein,
put down your reading, it's lunch time.
-Nah, you go ahead. -You don't wanna eat?
What did you do? Get one of them stomach staples?
As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables,
"Give me learning, sir,
and you may keep your black bread."
Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
Homer Simpson, sir.
Simpson, eh? How very strange.
His job description clearly specifies an illiterate.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Troy McClure and Delores Montenegro
in "Preacher With a Shovel."
MAN: But irrigation can save your people,
Chief Smiling Bear.
Marge, look at them staring at that idiot box.
God forbid they would ever read something
and improve their minds.
You've certainly taken a shine to that magazine.
It's not just one magazine, Marge,
they take hundreds of magazines, filter out the crap
and leave you with something
that fits right in your front pocket.
(grunting)
Those kids don't know what they're missing.
Dad!
Hey, what gives, man?
We're all gonna sit down as a family
and listen to an inspiring story of wilderness survival.
"Then I heard the sound
"that all arctic explorers dread--
the pitiless bark of the sea lion."
He'll be killed!
Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
Don't be so--
Oh, you're right.
Homie, put down
your magazine for a minute.
Huh?
Mmm, I thought you might want to snuggle.
That reminds me.
"Seven Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage."
(clearing throat) Marge, "You have a nice body
"and if you'd like to see me in a costume,
you have only to ask."
Thank you, Homie.
Wow! Little meat loaf men!
Where did you get the idea for this, Mom?
Where do you think?
This baby never steers you wrong,
and it was free. Free!
It certainly has enriched our lives.
Wow.
"Win a trip to Washington, D.C.
"All expenses paid.
V.I.P. Tour."
Oh, it's for kids.
Wait, Dad!
Hmm...
an essay contest.
Children under 12, 300 words...
fiercely pro-American.
Sounds interesting.
Bart, maybe this is something you'd like to do too.
Mom, it's a nice thought
but we both know that this is the pony to bet on.
What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today?
He'd say, uh...
think of a better opening.
How's it going, honey?
Not very well.
Well, when I used to get stuck like this,
I'd go for a bike ride.
Do kids go on bike rides anymore?
Yes!
I don't know. I thought maybe bikes
weren't cool anymore.
Do kids still use that word? "Cool?"
Yes, Mom!
Okay, America, inspire me.
Wow, a bald eagle.
Hmm...
Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad.
Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do
for that magazine.
"So burn the flag if you must, but before you do,
"you better burn a few other things.
"You better burn your shirt and your pants.
"Be sure to burn your TV and car.
"Oh, yes, and don't forget to burn your house
"because none of those things
"could exist without six white stripes
seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars."
-(cheering, applause) -Thank you very much.
Yeah! Damn right!
(cheering)
"Recipe for a free country:
"Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice.
"Add one informed electorate.
Baste well with veto power."
"My back is spineless.
"My belly is yellow.
I am the American nonvoter."
"Stir in two cups of checks,
sprinkle liberally with balances."
"Ding, dong.
"The sounds of the Liberty Bell.
"Ding-- freedom.
"Dong-- opportunity.
"Ding-- excellent schools.
Dong-- quality hospitals."
"When America was born on that hot July day in 1776,
"the trees in Springfield forest
"were tiny saplings trembling towards the sun.
"And as they were nourished by mother Earth,
"so too did our fledgling nation find strength
"in the simple ideals of equality and justice.
"Who would have thought such mighty oaks
"or such a powerful nation could grow
out of something so fragile, so pure."
(voice cracking) Thank you.
(applause)
What do you think?
It's good. A little too good for an eight-year-old.
Methinks I detect
the sickly scent of the daddy.
Mr. Simpson, I'd like to ask you
a few questions about your daughter's essay.
Lisa, will you excuse us?
Okay.
"We the purple"?
What the hell was that?
Are you a professional writer?
Mm-mm.
Are you interested in politics or government?
Mmm-mm.
Are you interested in anything?
Mmm-mm.
Could you touch your nose for me?
-Mm. Mm. -Hmm.
Lisa, after meeting your father,
I've decided to award you an additional five points.
Congratulations. You and your family are going to Washington.
Whoo-hoo! Who would have guessed
reading and writing would pay off?
(bell dinging)
Yes, sir, can I get you something?
Playing cards, note pad, aspirin,
sewing kit, pilot's wing pin,
propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask,
and anything else I've got coming to me.
I'll see what I can do.
Hm... hmph.
(laughing)
-Hmph. -(laughing)
Steward!
Little boy, I bet you'd like to visit the cockpit.
Ooh-ooh, baby!
And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle.
Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats?
No, thank you, I'd rather push this button.
No!
(screams) We're all gonna die!
(all screaming)
Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do.
Taxi!
Ooh, look, Homer, the I.R.S.
Boo!
Oh, boo yourself.
MARGE: Here we are, kids.
The Watergate!
(humming)
(soft chuckle)
Hey!
(laughing)
MARGE: Homer, look!
They give you a shower cap and body gel
and bathrobes.
And a welcoming mint on your pillow.
Wow, a shoe horn.
Just like in the movies.
Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
Shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
Hey, I call first bedsies.
Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies.
You just made that up.
Well, okay, which one do you want?
I... want...
that one.
Really? You want that one?
It's all yours. Whatever you say.
Why? What's wrong with it?
Nothing.
Have a good night's sleep, Lisa.
-No really. What? -Nothing.
-What did you do to it? -Nothing.
Mom!
(phone ringing)
D'oh! Stupid welcoming mint!
Hello?
BART: Good morning, this is your wake-up call.
Wake-up call? It's 2:00 a.m.
Sorry, fatso.
(laughing)
HOMER: Free food?
Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley,
Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
Ooh, I love your magazine.
My favorite section is
"How to Increase Your Word Power."
That things is really, really, really... good.
Well good.
Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists.
This is Trong Van Dinh and Maria Dominguez.
-Hello. -Hello.
FAITH: Maria is the National Spelling Bee Champion.
and Trong has won both
the Westinghouse Talent Search,
and the N.F.L. Punt, Pass and Kick Competition.
Have either of you ever run into any problems
because of your superior ability?
-Mmm... -Sure, I guess.
Oh, me too.
These are special V.I.P. badges.
They'll get you into places other tourists never see.
Miss, what does the "I" stand for?
Important.
Ooh... How about the "V"?
Very.
Oh... and miss? Just one more question.
-Person. -Ahh....
What does the "I" stand for again?
Oh!
"On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games."
Yeah, right.
Wow, the President's bathroom.
(gasps) Do you mind?
Barbara Bush!
Oh, you have those damn badges.
Okay.
This tub was installed in 1894...
Mmm... money.
Ahhh.
Hey, watch it, Chief.
Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day.
Oh, and in case you were wondering,
no, we don't give out free samples.
(laughing)
Lousy, cheap country.
(imitating a machine gun)
Bart, get out of the Spirit of St. Louis!
(imitating airplane engine)
(chuckling)
Hey, what's so funny?
(whispers)
Oh, Marge, grow up!
MAN: Congressman, this is Springfield National Forest.
Now, basically, what we want to do is cut her down.
-Uh-huh. -As you can see in our artist's rendition,
it's full of old growth, just aging and festering away.
In comes our logging company to thin out the clutter.
It's all part of nature's, you know, cycle.
Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist
and I'd like to give you a logging permit, I would,
but, uh, this isn't like burying toxic waste.
People are gonna notice those trees are gone.
Congressman, this is where it gets awkward.
I-- I never quite know how to put this.
I just want to--
Offer me a bribe?
-(laughing) -(intercom buzzing)
(sighs) What is it?
WOMAN: It's that little girl from Springfield
who wrote the essay. Could be a good photo-op.
Uh, sure, fine.
So where do we--
Not here. I've got a little place that I use
for these, uh... matters.
Call me tonight.
Well, hi there. You must be Lisa Simpson.
Hello, sir.
Lisa, you're a doer. And who knows?
Maybe someday you'll be a congressman or a senator.
We have quite a few women senators, you know.
Only two. I checked.
(chuckling) You're a sharp one.
Well, how about a few pictures?
Tot shot always plays in the sticks.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Now there is a politician who cares.
If I ever vote, it will be for him.
(burping)
Mom?
(groans) Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours.
I'm too excited to sleep.
Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial?
Who's that?
An early crusader for women's rights.
She led the Floor Mop Rebellion of 1910.
Later she appeared on the highly unpopular
75-cent piece.
(groans)
Okay, but you don't know what you're missing.
Oh.
"I will iron your sheets when you iron out
the inequities in your labor laws."
Amen, sister.
I told you no one ever came here.
(chuckles) So Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest?
Do I get my logging permit?
Let me put it this way, Jerry.
Timber!
(both laughing)
Whoo! What a pooch.
Woof-woof!
(sobbing)
How could I read my essay now?
I don't believe my own words.
LISA: Honest Abe--
he'll show me the way.
Mr. Lincoln--
MAN: Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice.
What can I do to make this a better country?
Is this a good time to buy a house?
I can't get my boy to brush properly.
Would I look good with a moustache?
I tried using turpentine, but that just made it worse.
(indistinct chatter)
(shouting) Mr. Lincoln
My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem!
Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson
and I have a problem.
I know your problem.
The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded.
Sorry, sir, it's just--
No one ever comes to see me.
I don't blame them.
I never did anything important--
just The Declaration of Independence,
the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter--
Uh, maybe I should be going. I caught you at a bad time.
Wait!
Please don't go.
I get so lonely.
(indistinct chatter)
(laughing)
The truth must be told.
(Bart moaning)
Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker.
Your laundry, sir.
There you go.
Buy yourself something nice.
Thank you!
Bart, are you ready to go to--
(screams)
I'll room service you!
Before you kill me, remember, this trip
is all expenses paid.
(both chuckling)
♪ The deficit rag ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, the deficit rag ♪
♪ Those budget gaps can be a 12-digit drag ♪
♪ I'm telling you ♪
♪ That's the deficit ♪
♪ They really made a mess of it ♪
♪ That's the deficit rag ♪
Thank you!
Oh, this guy is awful.
I know, honey, but just sit still.
Welcome, everyone, to the awards luncheon.
I'd like to introduce our distinguished judges
who will select our scholarship winner.
Former Redskins great, Alonzo Flowers,
perennial third party candidate, Wilson DeFarge,
senate page Brad Fletcher,
skin care consultant Rowena,
and wealthy gadabout Chilton Gaines.
Our first essayist will be Lisa Simpson.
Lisa?
(audience gasping)
Oh, there she is.
Lisa Simpson will now read her essay...
I would like to read a different essay, if I may?
Um... okay.
The city of Washington was built
on a stagnant swamp some 200 years ago,
and very little has changed.
It stank then and it stinks now.
Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption
that hangs in the air.
Cool! A ruckus.
Hmm!
LISA: ...and who did I see
taking a bribe
but the "honorable" Bob Arnold.
(gasping)
But don't worry, Congressman.
I'm sure you can buy all the votes you need
with your dirty money
and this will be one nation under the dollar
with liberty and justice for none.
(audience booing)
(gasping)
Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest.
Please, son, I'm very busy.
A little girl is losing faith in democracy.
Good Lord!
Congressman, we want to drill for oil
in Teddy Roosevelt's head.
Well...
Teddy who?
(laughing) Congressman...
you're under arrest.
You work fast.
I work for Uncle Sam.
We will now vote on the House Bill 1022--
The expulsion of Bob Arnold.
Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but...
shouldn't we tack on a pay raise for ourselves?
ALL: No!
Okay, this should make my bosses very happy.
Your bosses?
Yep. All 250 million of them.
When my family arrived in this country four months ago
we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets.
Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel-balancing centers.
Where else but in America-- or possibly Canada--
could our family find such opportunity?
That's why whenever I see the stars and stripes,
I'll always be reminded of that wonderful word, "flag."
(cheering)
There will be a brief recess
while the judges tabulate their votes.
Lisa, what's gotten into you?
Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd pleasing.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I couldn't think of a nice way to say America stinks.
Extra! Extra! Feds nab rotten rep!
Give me one of those.
MARGE: "Imprisoned congressman
becomes born-again Christian."
I can't believe it.
The system works.
♪ The trading gap shuffle ♪
♪ We're in a heap of trouble ♪
♪ Doing the trading gap shuffle, yes, sir ♪
He already sang this song.
No, that was about the budget gap.
This is the trading gap.
(applause)
And now the moment of truth.
Will the winning essay be
"Bubble On, Oh, Melting Pot,"
"Lift High Your Lamp, Green Lady,"
"U.S.A. A-Okay,"
or "Cesspool on the Potomac"?
Cesspool! Cesspool!
Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!
And now the winner is...
"U.S.A. A-Okay"
by Trong Van Dinh.
D'oh!
Miss Crowley, thank you
for this oversized novelty check.
I would like to share this honor
with all of my fellow essayists,
particularly the courageous Lisa Simpson
whose inflammatory rhetoric reminded us
that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
Give her the check!
(laughing)
I was serious.
♪ Say, let me tell you about Lisa S. ♪
♪ She's that little 8-year-old muckrakeress ♪
♪ She caught a crook and really made him pay ♪
♪ She did it all in just one day ♪
♪ That's what I would call being on the ball! ♪
SINGER: Ow!
Bart!
Lis, you taught me to stand up for what I believe in.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.