1
00:00:06,787 --> 00:00:09,347
A Fish Called Selma

2
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Movie for a Rained-out Game
returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure...

3
00:00:30,387 --> 00:00:32,947
...and the Muppets in the 1977 film...

4
00:00:35,347 --> 00:00:38,862
Oh, princess fair, wilst thou grant
me thine dainty hoof in marriage?

5
00:00:39,027 --> 00:00:42,906
Oh, Sir Liesalot, I will!

6
00:00:44,187 --> 00:00:46,257
Unhand the swine, you swain.

7
00:00:46,427 --> 00:00:48,702
Come, Piggy, back to Hamelot.

8
00:00:48,907 --> 00:00:51,865
Not now, frog. Me and Iron-Pants
are just getting acquainted.

9
00:00:54,667 --> 00:00:55,941
- Hey!
- Watch it!

10
00:00:56,147 --> 00:00:57,421
Dad, what's a Muppet?

11
00:00:57,627 --> 00:01:00,983
Well, it's not quite a mop,
and it's not quite a puppet...

12
00:01:01,147 --> 00:01:03,217
...but, man...

13
00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:05,938
So to answer your question,
I don't know.

14
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,302
- Parry.
- Why's that Muppet made out of leather?

15
00:01:08,507 --> 00:01:10,862
That's not a leather Muppet.
That's Troy McClure.

16
00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:14,423
Oh, back in the '70s,
he was quite the teen heartthrob.

17
00:01:14,627 --> 00:01:17,061
Who'd have thought he'd
turn out to be such a weirdo?

18
00:01:17,227 --> 00:01:20,936
- What are you talking about?
- You know, his bizarre personal life.

19
00:01:21,107 --> 00:01:23,701
Those weird things they say
he does down at the aquarium.

20
00:01:23,867 --> 00:01:25,141
- Why, I heard...
- Oh, Homer!

21
00:01:25,307 --> 00:01:29,016
That's just an urban legend. People
don't do that type of thing with fish.

22
00:01:29,227 --> 00:01:30,945
Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman...

23
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...like Bing Crosby or J.F.K.

24
00:01:33,547 --> 00:01:36,107
I wonder where Troy is now.

25
00:01:42,947 --> 00:01:44,824
Hey, these guys
are all over the road.

26
00:01:50,747 --> 00:01:54,057
All right, Captain Rush-Rush,
out of the car.

27
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Oh, I'm seeing stars here!

28
00:01:56,947 --> 00:01:58,141
No, just one.

29
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Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may
remember me from such films as...

30
00:02:01,387 --> 00:02:05,175
...The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed and
They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.

31
00:02:06,107 --> 00:02:08,337
Afraid not. License, please.

32
00:02:09,987 --> 00:02:11,943
It says here you need
corrective lenses.

33
00:02:12,107 --> 00:02:14,223
Put those glasses on, mister.

34
00:02:14,427 --> 00:02:17,260
You wouldn't ask a handsome
man like me to wear glasses.

35
00:02:17,427 --> 00:02:19,816
It'd be a crime against nature!

36
00:02:23,027 --> 00:02:25,495
Well, they do kind of
make you look like a nerd.

37
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:28,579
Tell you what. Go to the DMV
tomorrow and pass that eye test.

38
00:02:28,747 --> 00:02:32,740
I'll tear up this ticket, but I'm still
gonna have to ask you for a bribe.

39
00:02:36,267 --> 00:02:38,906
Hello, Marge. Hello, Marge.

40
00:02:39,867 --> 00:02:43,496
How come no Chippendales dancers
ever come in to renew their licenses?

41
00:02:43,707 --> 00:02:47,063
They car-pool. That's the problem.

42
00:02:48,107 --> 00:02:51,497
Hey, I came here to get this revoked.

43
00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:54,578
Troy McClure?
I thought he disappeared...

44
00:02:54,747 --> 00:02:56,499
...after that scandal at the aquarium.

45
00:02:56,667 --> 00:02:58,897
Hey, I thought you said
Troy McClure was dead.

46
00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:02,264
No. What I said was
he sleeps with the fishes.

47
00:03:02,427 --> 00:03:04,065
- You see...
- Fat Tony, please. No.

48
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,457
I just ate a whole plate
of dingamagoo.

49
00:03:09,107 --> 00:03:10,904
Troy McClure!

50
00:03:16,867 --> 00:03:18,937
Hello, beautiful. John Law tells me...

51
00:03:19,107 --> 00:03:23,020
...I might need to wear these glasses.
- You? Nonsense.

52
00:03:23,187 --> 00:03:26,497
You're Troy McClure.
I remember you from such films as...

53
00:03:26,667 --> 00:03:30,296
...Meet Joe Blow
and Give My Remains to Broadway.

54
00:03:30,467 --> 00:03:32,219
Stars like you don't need glasses.

55
00:03:36,227 --> 00:03:37,501
Now, Mr. McClure...

56
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:40,704
...would you like to take off
those glasses and read the top line?

57
00:03:43,587 --> 00:03:46,306
"W, seven...

58
00:03:46,507 --> 00:03:49,180
...star, pound..."

59
00:03:49,787 --> 00:03:51,937
Look, Miss Boo-Veer.

60
00:03:52,147 --> 00:03:55,184
As an actor, I depend
on my remarkable looks.

61
00:03:56,787 --> 00:04:01,338
If you could pass me, I'm sure
I could find some way to repay you.

62
00:04:02,667 --> 00:04:04,897
Say by buying you dinner?

63
00:04:08,627 --> 00:04:10,663
That took a lot of class.

64
00:04:15,347 --> 00:04:17,303
All these celebrities on the walls.

65
00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:20,504
I just know a big star like you
is up there somewhere.

66
00:04:20,707 --> 00:04:22,982
Yes, I'm over there.

67
00:04:32,267 --> 00:04:35,259
So working at the DMV
must be very interesting.

68
00:04:35,467 --> 00:04:38,618
Well, I think I'm getting
repetitive stress disorder...

69
00:04:38,787 --> 00:04:40,425
...from scratching my butt all day.

70
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:45,819
Being a huge movie star
must be good too.

71
00:04:45,987 --> 00:04:47,306
What are you working on now?

72
00:04:47,467 --> 00:04:49,503
I've been reading
a lot of scripts lately.

73
00:04:49,667 --> 00:04:52,500
You know, it's a lot cheaper
than going to the movies.

74
00:04:56,867 --> 00:04:59,381
Well, thanks for holding up
your end of the bargain.

75
00:04:59,547 --> 00:05:01,185
I had a pretty good time.

76
00:05:01,387 --> 00:05:03,378
Yeah, me too.
You need a ride somewhere?

77
00:05:03,547 --> 00:05:06,619
Hey, get a load of this.
Troy McClure on what looks like a date.

78
00:05:09,147 --> 00:05:10,466
Here you go, boys.

79
00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:13,300
A little something for page one.

80
00:05:17,307 --> 00:05:20,583
Hey, Homer, isn't this your sister-in-law
on a date with Troy McClure?

81
00:05:21,107 --> 00:05:23,541
Troy McClure.
He's a washed-up movie star.

82
00:05:23,707 --> 00:05:25,538
He could be dating
washed-up supermodels.

83
00:05:26,667 --> 00:05:29,420
I don't know. Maybe those rumors
about his fish fetish...

84
00:05:29,587 --> 00:05:30,861
...weren't true after all.

85
00:05:31,027 --> 00:05:34,417
This changes everything.
I'd pay to see him in a movie now.

86
00:05:34,587 --> 00:05:35,861
If only that were possible.

87
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:42,817
Troy, my man.
It's MacArthur Parker.

88
00:05:42,987 --> 00:05:44,659
MacArthur Parker, the agent?

89
00:05:44,827 --> 00:05:46,419
MacArthur Parker, my agent?

90
00:05:47,907 --> 00:05:49,818
Just checking in.
How's my favorite client?

91
00:05:50,027 --> 00:05:51,619
We haven't spoken in eight years.

92
00:05:51,787 --> 00:05:54,620
Yes. So I saw the papers today, Troy.

93
00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:57,347
Looking good.
That wholesome stuff really helps...

94
00:05:57,507 --> 00:06:01,136
...when I'm trying to find you work.
- You haven't found me work in 12 years.

95
00:06:01,347 --> 00:06:03,258
Oh, you. Jury duty is work.

96
00:06:03,427 --> 00:06:06,499
And listen, you keep getting seen
in public with human females...

97
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:09,386
...and I can get you work
in the entertainment industry.

98
00:06:16,387 --> 00:06:17,945
Hello, Selma Bouvier?

99
00:06:18,107 --> 00:06:19,381
It's Troy McClure.

100
00:06:19,547 --> 00:06:22,505
You may remember me from such
dates as last night's dinner.

101
00:06:24,547 --> 00:06:26,742
- Troy! Troy!
- That's right, boys.

102
00:06:26,907 --> 00:06:30,104
Troy's back from the gutter, and
he's brought someone with him.

103
00:06:31,467 --> 00:06:32,866
That's too funny!

104
00:06:33,027 --> 00:06:36,224
I can't remember when
I've heard a funnier anecdote.

105
00:06:36,387 --> 00:06:40,175
- Okay, now you tell one.
- Well, not much happens to me.

106
00:06:40,347 --> 00:06:42,907
But I once had dinner
with a movie star.

107
00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:46,377
And it was the most
wonderful night of my life.

108
00:06:46,587 --> 00:06:47,861
Really?

109
00:06:48,027 --> 00:06:50,825
Who was it? George Segal?
I hear he plays the banjo.

110
00:06:57,307 --> 00:06:59,980
Excuse me, I ordered a Zima,
not emphysema.

111
00:07:00,147 --> 00:07:02,217
Please don't smoke in our restaurant.

112
00:07:02,387 --> 00:07:05,823
We don't serve contemporary
California cuisine in your lungs.

113
00:07:08,307 --> 00:07:09,740
Troy...

114
00:07:09,907 --> 00:07:13,536
...I'm sorry I ruined our evening.
I have to go now.

115
00:07:13,747 --> 00:07:15,021
Oh, my God.

116
00:07:18,987 --> 00:07:20,466
Oh, God!

117
00:07:20,627 --> 00:07:23,778
- I'm such a fool.
- Got a light?

118
00:07:35,747 --> 00:07:37,942
Sounds like you're
really falling for him.

119
00:07:38,107 --> 00:07:40,701
What's the matter?
I'm not fun enough for you?

120
00:07:40,867 --> 00:07:42,903
Patty!
Go on, Selma. Tell me more.

121
00:07:43,107 --> 00:07:44,620
I don't wanna jinx it, Marge.

122
00:07:44,787 --> 00:07:47,745
But this could be it.
He asked me out again this Friday.

123
00:07:47,907 --> 00:07:50,501
He's taking me to a special screening
of his latest film.

124
00:07:56,987 --> 00:08:01,344
You know, smoke actually smells good
when it's coming out of you.

125
00:08:01,507 --> 00:08:04,783
- Oh, I'm all out.
- Here. Try one of my cigars.

126
00:08:13,147 --> 00:08:16,696
My God! It's like five cigarettes
at once.

127
00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:19,381
Oh, my head is swimming.

128
00:08:19,587 --> 00:08:22,738
That's not cigars, baby. That's love.

129
00:08:22,947 --> 00:08:25,222
No longer canst I conceal my love...

130
00:08:25,387 --> 00:08:27,105
...my wimpled turtle dove.

131
00:08:28,627 --> 00:08:32,415
Oh, princess fair, wilst thou grant me
thine dainty hoof in marriage?

132
00:08:32,627 --> 00:08:34,458
- Oh, Troy!
- Oh, Sir Liesalot!

133
00:08:34,627 --> 00:08:36,697
- I will.
- I will.

134
00:08:41,827 --> 00:08:43,704
Just a second, baby.

135
00:08:48,507 --> 00:08:51,067
Seventies leading man
Troy McClure has finally met...

136
00:08:51,227 --> 00:08:52,899
...the woman of his dreams.

137
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:54,785
We may remember... Woman?

138
00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:58,466
Okay. We may remember Troy
from such films as...

139
00:08:58,627 --> 00:09:01,266
...The Verdict was Mail Fraud
and Leper in the Backfield.

140
00:09:05,307 --> 00:09:07,104
With his high-profile romance...

141
00:09:07,267 --> 00:09:10,543
...Troy has managed to shake the rumors
that have dogged his career.

142
00:09:10,707 --> 00:09:12,538
And with news of
his upcoming wedding...

143
00:09:12,707 --> 00:09:15,505
...rumor has it he's up for
some very choice roles.

144
00:09:15,707 --> 00:09:20,258
You were wrong when you called him
a washed-up deviant, Laurie. All right.

145
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,583
Make sure my iguana's okay.

146
00:09:25,427 --> 00:09:27,497
Selma, Jub-Jub is fantastic!

147
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:29,658
He's everywhere you wanna be.

148
00:09:29,867 --> 00:09:32,984
Welcome to your new home, baby.
It's fantastic!

149
00:09:36,587 --> 00:09:39,704
Garbage day is Monday. If you
wanna throw out a box, cut it up.

150
00:09:39,907 --> 00:09:44,822
It's so modern. It's ultramodern,
like living in the not-too-distant future.

151
00:09:45,027 --> 00:09:46,665
Now, you make yourself at home here.

152
00:09:46,827 --> 00:09:49,466
I'll be sleeping downstairs
in the visitor's center.

153
00:09:50,227 --> 00:09:52,297
- Okay.
- I'll see you in the morning.

154
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:55,823
And get ready for tennis.
It comes on at 10.

155
00:09:58,507 --> 00:10:01,977
Troy, Mac Parker.
Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?

156
00:10:02,147 --> 00:10:04,183
The movie or the planet?

157
00:10:04,347 --> 00:10:07,305
The brand-new
multimillion-dollar musical.

158
00:10:07,467 --> 00:10:10,982
And you are starring
as the human.

159
00:10:11,187 --> 00:10:13,462
It's the part I was born to play, baby.

160
00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:24,423
Help, the human's about to escape.

161
00:10:24,627 --> 00:10:27,664
Get your paws off me, you dirty ape.

162
00:10:27,827 --> 00:10:29,101
He can talk.

163
00:10:29,267 --> 00:10:32,896
He can talk. He can talk. He can talk.

164
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:36,059
I can sing

165
00:10:36,347 --> 00:10:39,225
Oh, help me, Dr. Zaius.

166
00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:42,658
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

167
00:10:42,827 --> 00:10:45,182
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

168
00:10:45,347 --> 00:10:47,099
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

169
00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:48,905
Oh, Dr. Zaius

170
00:10:49,067 --> 00:10:50,295
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

171
00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:51,741
What's wrong with me?

172
00:10:51,907 --> 00:10:54,262
- I think you're crazy.
- Want a second opinion.

173
00:10:54,427 --> 00:10:55,416
You're also lazy.

174
00:10:55,587 --> 00:10:57,543
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

175
00:10:57,707 --> 00:10:59,982
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

176
00:11:00,147 --> 00:11:01,819
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

177
00:11:01,987 --> 00:11:03,864
Oh, Dr. Zaius

178
00:11:04,067 --> 00:11:05,341
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

179
00:11:05,507 --> 00:11:07,623
Can I play the piano anymore?

180
00:11:07,787 --> 00:11:10,347
- Of course, you can.
- Well, I couldn't before.

181
00:11:15,747 --> 00:11:17,180
This play has everything.

182
00:11:17,347 --> 00:11:20,942
Oh, I love legitimate theater.

183
00:11:21,907 --> 00:11:25,456
I hate every ape I see

184
00:11:25,667 --> 00:11:29,103
From chimpan-A to chimpan-Z

185
00:11:29,267 --> 00:11:34,500
No, you'll never make
A monkey out of me

186
00:11:36,627 --> 00:11:39,937
Oh, my God
I was wrong

187
00:11:40,107 --> 00:11:43,383
It was Earth
All along

188
00:11:43,547 --> 00:11:47,017
You finally made a monkey

189
00:11:47,187 --> 00:11:50,099
Yes, we finally made a monkey

190
00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:52,542
Yes, you finally

191
00:11:52,707 --> 00:11:56,256
Made a monkey

192
00:11:56,427 --> 00:12:02,821
Out of me

193
00:12:04,107 --> 00:12:06,337
I love you, Dr. Zaius.

194
00:12:11,827 --> 00:12:14,057
Thank you. It's great to be back.

195
00:12:14,227 --> 00:12:16,104
I just wanna say, I wouldn't be here...

196
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:18,497
...without the support
of a very special lady...

197
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:21,898
...my always-outrageous fiancée, Selma.
Take a bow, sugar beet.

198
00:12:22,827 --> 00:12:24,545
Oh, well. Thank you.

199
00:12:24,707 --> 00:12:26,106
Down in front!

200
00:12:29,187 --> 00:12:32,577
My good looks paid for that pool.
And my talent filled it with water.

201
00:12:32,747 --> 00:12:35,022
Hi, I'm Troy McClure,
your future uncle.

202
00:12:35,227 --> 00:12:37,661
Hi. I remember you
from such filmstrips as...

203
00:12:37,827 --> 00:12:40,705
...Locker-room Towel Fight:
The Blinding of Larry Driscoll.

204
00:12:40,907 --> 00:12:43,865
You know, I was one of the first
to speak out against horseplay.

205
00:12:44,987 --> 00:12:47,182
Remember when we were kids,
we used to dream...

206
00:12:47,347 --> 00:12:49,417
...about our ideal husbands?

207
00:12:49,587 --> 00:12:51,862
Who knew the dream
would come true...

208
00:12:52,027 --> 00:12:53,858
...for one of us?

209
00:12:54,667 --> 00:12:56,544
Oh, come on. Guess which one.

210
00:12:56,747 --> 00:12:58,100
I know, I know. It's Selma, right?

211
00:13:00,187 --> 00:13:01,745
That's a good idea, Homer.

212
00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:04,626
But they've already made some movies
about World War II.

213
00:13:06,707 --> 00:13:09,380
Hell. Well, what about Dracula?

214
00:13:09,587 --> 00:13:12,306
Homer, I'm really touched
you invited me out on the town.

215
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:15,345
You're gonna
be a four-star brother-in-law.

216
00:13:15,507 --> 00:13:17,975
Troy, buddy, I gotta know.

217
00:13:18,147 --> 00:13:21,776
What's a great guy like you
wanna marry a guy like Selma?

218
00:13:21,947 --> 00:13:23,539
- Come here, Homer.
- Okay.

219
00:13:23,707 --> 00:13:26,141
I'll let you in on a little secret.

220
00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:36,986
And do you,
Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier...

221
00:13:37,187 --> 00:13:38,859
...take the fabulous Troy McClure...

222
00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:41,939
...to be your lawful wedded husband?
- I already told you, yes.

223
00:13:42,107 --> 00:13:43,904
If anyone here knows why this couple...

224
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:46,297
...should not be wed
in holy matrimony...

225
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,219
...let him speak now...

226
00:13:48,387 --> 00:13:50,457
...or forever hold his peace.

227
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,067
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

228
00:14:04,227 --> 00:14:08,061
You may now kiss each other.

229
00:14:13,107 --> 00:14:15,462
This is the best day of my life.

230
00:14:15,627 --> 00:14:17,618
It's a good day for me too, baby.

231
00:14:17,787 --> 00:14:22,303
Now, smile. We're gonna be
on every newsstand in the country.

232
00:14:25,027 --> 00:14:26,301
JUST MARRED

233
00:14:27,907 --> 00:14:29,499
Hey, look what I snagged, Marge.

234
00:14:29,707 --> 00:14:33,256
The candy bride and groom
from the wedding cake.

235
00:14:40,907 --> 00:14:44,263
- Pointy.
- It was a beautiful wedding.

236
00:14:44,427 --> 00:14:46,258
I've never seen Selma happier.

237
00:14:46,467 --> 00:14:49,777
That reminds me. Troy said something
interesting last night at the bar.

238
00:14:49,947 --> 00:14:53,496
He doesn't really love Selma. And the
marriage is a sham to help his career.

239
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:55,942
Well, enough talk, let's snuggle.

240
00:14:56,107 --> 00:14:58,940
What? Oh, my God!

241
00:15:00,387 --> 00:15:02,582
Marge, could you close your eyes.

242
00:15:02,747 --> 00:15:04,863
I'm trying to sleep.

243
00:15:05,027 --> 00:15:06,426
There.

244
00:15:13,027 --> 00:15:16,224
This better be important. It's my
wedding night. I'm trying to sleep.

245
00:15:16,387 --> 00:15:18,981
Sleep is for has-beens.
And you're about to have...

246
00:15:19,147 --> 00:15:20,546
...a very crowded schedule.

247
00:15:20,707 --> 00:15:22,777
This marriage scam
is paying off bigtime.

248
00:15:22,947 --> 00:15:24,824
- Phone for you.
- T. McC.

249
00:15:25,027 --> 00:15:29,418
Troy, darling, come to bed. I wanna
see the Troy McClure I remember...

250
00:15:29,627 --> 00:15:32,425
...from such films as
Make-out King of Montana...

251
00:15:32,587 --> 00:15:34,737
...and The Electric Gigolo.

252
00:15:36,627 --> 00:15:38,857
Yeah. In a minute, darling.

253
00:15:39,027 --> 00:15:42,463
Well, she may be helping my career
but she's starting to cramp my style.

254
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:44,623
Oh, who cares?
The offers are rolling in.

255
00:15:44,787 --> 00:15:46,618
Paramount wants you
for a buddy comedy...

256
00:15:46,787 --> 00:15:48,266
...with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant.

257
00:15:48,467 --> 00:15:51,345
- Those sick freaks?
- Okay. Then get this.

258
00:15:51,547 --> 00:15:54,619
I think they want you
to play McBain's sidekick in...

259
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,982
Brace yourself.
- The new McBain movie.

260
00:15:57,187 --> 00:16:00,577
McBain's sidekick, hot damn!
I'm going to SeaWorld!

261
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:05,101
Selma, about you and Troy...

262
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:08,657
...we're not sure he's all he seems.

263
00:16:08,827 --> 00:16:11,057
Marge is right. He's wrong for you.

264
00:16:11,227 --> 00:16:13,218
Better you find out sooner than later.

265
00:16:13,427 --> 00:16:15,065
Wrong for me? How?

266
00:16:16,027 --> 00:16:18,063
Oh, I get it.

267
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:21,663
My sisters have come down with
a case of the green-eyed gazungas.

268
00:16:21,827 --> 00:16:23,658
I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

269
00:16:23,827 --> 00:16:27,342
You're stuck in a menial job
you'll be doing 10 years after you die.

270
00:16:27,507 --> 00:16:31,216
And you're tied down to a man
who'd have to bathe to be a slob.

271
00:16:31,427 --> 00:16:34,180
Selma, Troy doesn't love you at all.
He's only using you...

272
00:16:34,347 --> 00:16:37,180
...to squelch the rumors
about his bizarre personal life...

273
00:16:37,347 --> 00:16:38,746
...and further his career.

274
00:16:40,627 --> 00:16:42,777
You don't know
what you're talking about.

275
00:16:42,987 --> 00:16:45,501
And I have to go now and see Troy.

276
00:16:54,107 --> 00:16:56,462
Is this a sham marriage?

277
00:16:57,147 --> 00:17:00,139
- Sure, baby. Is that a problema?
- You married me...

278
00:17:00,307 --> 00:17:01,786
...just to help your career?

279
00:17:01,987 --> 00:17:05,297
You make it sound so sordid. Look,
don't we have a good time together?

280
00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:07,901
- Yes, but...
- Don't you have everything?

281
00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:11,298
Money, security,
a big hot, flat rock for Jub-Jub?

282
00:17:11,507 --> 00:17:13,896
But don't you love me?

283
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:17,264
Sure, I do. Like I love Fresca.

284
00:17:17,427 --> 00:17:18,746
Isn't that enough?

285
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,501
The only difference between
our marriage and others is...

286
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:23,339
...we know ours is a sham.

287
00:17:23,827 --> 00:17:25,897
- Are you gay?
- Gay?

288
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:29,343
I wish! If I were gay,
there'd be no problem.

289
00:17:29,547 --> 00:17:32,107
No, what I have is
a romantic abnormality...

290
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:34,622
...one so unbelievable
that it must be hidden...

291
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:36,345
...from the public at all costs.

292
00:17:36,507 --> 00:17:38,065
- You see...
- Stop!

293
00:17:38,227 --> 00:17:40,024
You're asking me to live a lie.

294
00:17:40,707 --> 00:17:42,299
I don't know if I can do that.

295
00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,697
It's remarkably easy.

296
00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:46,266
Just smile for the cameras...

297
00:17:46,427 --> 00:17:50,386
...and enjoy Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.
You'll go to the right parties...

298
00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:53,220
...meet the right people.
Sure, you'll be a sham wife.

299
00:17:53,387 --> 00:17:56,265
But you'll be the envy of
every other sham wife in town.

300
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,822
So, what do you say, baby?

301
00:18:00,707 --> 00:18:04,746
Tell me again about
Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.

302
00:18:11,867 --> 00:18:14,825
One day, my lady Selma's gonna
have a star right next to mine.

303
00:18:14,987 --> 00:18:16,466
So watch out...

304
00:18:16,627 --> 00:18:18,219
...Laszlo Panaflex.

305
00:18:20,187 --> 00:18:22,747
All Hollywood's wondering
who'll be chosen to costar...

306
00:18:22,907 --> 00:18:26,456
...in the big new McBain pic,
McBain IV: Fatal Discharge.

307
00:18:28,387 --> 00:18:30,855
- Oh, you watching?
- Mac, you gotta get me that part.

308
00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:34,144
You gotta do something for me.
Problem is, big parts these days...

309
00:18:34,307 --> 00:18:37,185
...are all going to family men.
- But I already got married!

310
00:18:37,347 --> 00:18:40,896
Yeah, but for a role like this
you gotta pour it on. You and a wife...

311
00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:44,264
...have gotta have a baby.
- A baby, eh? What do I do?

312
00:18:44,427 --> 00:18:47,419
I'll send you over a pamphlet.
You can't buy that kind of P.R.

313
00:18:47,587 --> 00:18:50,897
You can get it for free by having
a baby, which your insurance covers...

314
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:53,376
...save the deductible, which
I'll pay for if you get the part...

315
00:18:53,547 --> 00:18:56,744
...which you will, if you have a baby.
- C'est "Troy" bien.

316
00:18:56,907 --> 00:19:00,297
Okay. Now, listen. Let's talk
baby names. You can't use...

317
00:19:00,467 --> 00:19:03,903
...Montana, Dakota or Florida.
They're taken.

318
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:07,139
- Oregon?
- Oh, Pacific Northwest. Very hot.

319
00:19:09,187 --> 00:19:11,781
Having a child, that's a big step.

320
00:19:11,947 --> 00:19:13,858
You bet it is.
Think what it'll mean.

321
00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:16,666
Not just a McBain movie,
but maybe my own fragrance...

322
00:19:16,827 --> 00:19:18,260
...Smellin' of Troy!

323
00:19:19,307 --> 00:19:22,265
It is probably my last chance
to be a mommy.

324
00:19:22,707 --> 00:19:24,823
- Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?
- You bet.

325
00:19:24,987 --> 00:19:27,547
From now on she's smoking for two.

326
00:19:32,907 --> 00:19:34,818
Come here, tiger.

327
00:19:38,627 --> 00:19:41,346
- Would you like some wine?
- Yes.

328
00:19:48,147 --> 00:19:50,183
Why don't you come over here...

329
00:19:50,347 --> 00:19:53,020
...and make yourself
more comfortable.

330
00:19:53,187 --> 00:19:54,620
No.

331
00:19:54,787 --> 00:19:58,063
Why don't you come over here
and make yourself comfortable?

332
00:19:58,627 --> 00:20:00,902
I'm sorry. This whole concept's
foreign to me.

333
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,058
Who knew a baby would
be so much work?

334
00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:06,625
Having a baby isn't
supposed to be work.

335
00:20:06,787 --> 00:20:09,301
It's supposed to be
an expression of the feelings...

336
00:20:09,467 --> 00:20:11,458
...we're supposed to have
for each other.

337
00:20:12,747 --> 00:20:15,500
Like how we built that snowman
together in that Newport ad?

338
00:20:15,667 --> 00:20:17,976
Remember how alive with pleasure
they said we were?

339
00:20:26,307 --> 00:20:28,775
Look, I'm sorry.
A loveless marriage is one thing.

340
00:20:28,947 --> 00:20:30,539
We're not hurting anybody.

341
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:33,585
But bringing a child
into a loveless family...

342
00:20:33,747 --> 00:20:35,703
...is something I just can't do.

343
00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:38,859
Great. We'll adopt. I'll call my agent.

344
00:20:39,027 --> 00:20:41,257
He'll find some kid who
wants in on the deal.

345
00:20:41,427 --> 00:20:44,419
Goodbye, Troy.
I'll always remember you...

346
00:20:44,587 --> 00:20:47,385
...but not from your films.

347
00:20:55,107 --> 00:20:56,460
Come on, Jub-Jub.

348
00:20:56,627 --> 00:20:59,983
Let's go home, and I'll microwave
you some nice roaches.

349
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:10,306
In a bold move that has stunned
Hollywood insiders...

350
00:21:10,467 --> 00:21:12,662
...newly divorced comeback kid
Troy McClure...

351
00:21:12,827 --> 00:21:15,261
...has turned down
the supporting lead in McBain IV...

352
00:21:15,427 --> 00:21:17,782
...to direct and star
in his own pet project:

353
00:21:21,707 --> 00:21:23,060
Will the gambit pay off?

354
00:21:23,227 --> 00:21:26,344
Twentieth Century Fox is betting it will.

355
00:21:49,627 --> 00:21:51,618
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

356
00:21:51,787 --> 00:21:53,778
[ENGLISH]