[SinisterLaughter]
[Bell Ringing]
[ Tires Screeching ]
- [ Groans ] - D'oh!
- [ Screams ] - [ Screams ]
- [ Beeping ] - [ Groans ]
I don't get it. They should be here by now.
Ah, what are you gonna do?
Hmm. Good lines, nice balance.
Let's see how she handles.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah. Tame it, baby.
Yo, ring her up, dude.
- [ Dings ] - [ Gasps ] You cannot smoke in here.
Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.
[ Coughs ]
Oh, God. You smokers disgust me.
Hey, 'Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?
Hands up, scuzbag!
No, notyou. The smoking scuzbag.
Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.
Not this time, you won't. This is yourthird strike.
First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.
Hey, that was self-defense.
Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns whereyou're going, pal--
Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, you'll never make it stick, dude.
Will too, 'cause this place is full ofwitnesses.
Apu, thatscuzbag Mo.
- I'm not going to forget this, dudes. - [ Gasps ]
I'm going to totally kill both ofyou.
And don't forget Bart Simpson.
- He's a witness too. Right, Barty? - Oh.
Oh, you are so dead, little dude.
- Thanks a lot, Chief. - [ Laughs ] You kids crack me up.
Hi. I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox...
from the producers of When Skirts Fall Off and Secrets ofNational SecurityRevealed...
it's World's Deadliest Executions.
- [ Cheering, Applause ] - Maki ng his fi rst appearance on our show...
he-e-ere's Snake!
[ Booing, Heckling ]
Thankyou, chickie-pies.
The chair? Aw.
How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps?
[Man ] Snake playedlacrosse at Ball State University.
So long, Snake. You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke.
- [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Groaning ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Groaning ]
Dude.
- Hey-oh! - [ Cheering ]
All right! Now let's get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs.
- Dibs on the liver! - [ Rings ]
Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor.
I'm saved.
Boy, you're getting this transplant just in time, Homer.
This is genuine human hair.
This is legal, right?
Yeah, sure. Whatever. These drugs will make the operation...
- seem like a beautiful dream. - [ Gasps ]
- [ Groans ] - Ahh.
Hi, everybody.
?? [ Humming ]
Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?
- [ Gasps ] - Whoa!
- [Lisa ] Oh, Dad! - [Bart] Whoa.
Wow. Ifyour flyweren't open, you'd lookjust like Roger Moore.
[ Owl Hooting]
- [ Muttering ] - [ Snoring ]
[ Snake's Voice ] Later, chickie-pie.
[Electronic Bell Rings ]
Whoo! Ooh, la, la, Simpson.
Huh. What can I do foryou and your new do?
[ Snake's Voice ] You sent me to the chair.
[ Gasps ] Snake? But you're dead.
I know you are, but what am I?
No. No. No!
And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night.
On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
- [ Gasping ] - Oh, my God!
That's horrible. Who will run the Kwik-E-Mart?
[ Slurping ]
I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Ah, geez, Lou. How long wereyou gonna let me keep drinking this thing?
[ Slurping ]
Who'd do such a thing?
Ah, mornin', Homer.
Ah, you're looking unusually focused this morning.
[ Snake's Voice ] Shutyour squeal-hole, booze jockey.
I'm gonna, like, totallywasteyou.
Ah, somebody's a Grumpy Gus.
- What--[Groans ] - Oh!
- [ Corkscrew Twisting] - Oh.
- Yoink. - Ah, for cryin' out loud.
[ Groans ]
Another ofSpringfield's beloved citizens was murdered today.
Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
It's almost as ifhe's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don'tyou get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!
[ Normal Voice ] Don't worry. I'll protectyou--
[ Snake's Voice ] Little dude.
[ Banging ]
[ Normal Voice ] There. Now no murderers can get in.
[ Snake's Voice ] Or out.
- Dad? - You are so dead.
No!
Come here, you little--
[ Goofy Laugh ] Stop it. You're killing me!
[ Screams ]
- My school picture. - Daddywould like a word with you, Barty.
[ Gasps ]
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!
It's hammer time, snitchy.
That's Snake's voice.
Of course. The transplant.
Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling--
Oh, please, Lisa. Everyone's already figured that out.
[ Whimpering ]
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
[ Normal Voice ] But I look soyouthful and hunky.
[ Snake's Voice ] The kid's gotta die.
[ Normal Voice ] But I love my son.
[ Snake's Voice ] More than a lush head ofhair?
[ Normal Voice ] Don't make me choose!
[ Snake's Voice Laughing ]
[ Normal Voice ] No!
[ Screaming ]
- I loveyou, Son. - I loveyou too, Dad.
[ Screams ]
- [ Muffled ] Get off!. Get it off!. - [ Gasping ]
I'll showyou, hair!
- [ Grunting ] - Ow! Ow!
Ow! That's my face, you idiot!
Idiot? Whyyou little--
- [ Choking ] - Don'tyou--
- I'll kill you. - Homer Simpson, you're under arrest...
for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa-- pasa--
Ah,just Moe.Just Moe.
It wasn't me. It was the hair.
Freeze, hair ball!
Now that's what I call a bad hair day.
[ Laughing ]
May I remind you that two people are dead?
Oh. Wait. I just got it. [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughing ] - It is funny.
Bad hair day.
- [Audience Oohing] - [ Shouts ] Hey, hey!
Tonight I'm going to suck...
your blood.
Okay. Get ready for the violentest, disembowelingest...
vomit-inducingest ItchyandScratchy Halloween special ever!
- Hey. - What the--
Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons...
I'd be a pretty lousy mother.
[ Groaning ]
Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me?
Nah, it's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.
[ Groans ] Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?
Going where? [ Chomping ]
Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy.
- Aw! - I'd better take these batteries just to be sure.
- [ Gasps ] - Mm-hmm.
- [DoorCloses ] - ?? [Harmonica: Blues ]
?? [ Singing ]
?? [ Ends ]
There's gotta be some batteries in here somewhere.
- [ Buzzing ] - Hmm.
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable!
[ Grunting ]
Don'tyou ever get tired ofbeing wrong?
- [ Crackling ] - [ Shouts ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Trick or treat!
- What's wrong with the TV? - [ Buzzing ]
- Color's screwed up. - [ Crackling ]
Whoa! Cool.
Bart, quit it! [ Grunting ]
Hey. [ Muttering ]
Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon.
- How humiliating. - [ Gasps ] Look.
[ Laughing ]
[Laughing]
Why areyou laughing?
Hey. They're laughing atyour pain.
That's mean.
Let's teach 'em a lesson.
A cartoon ax. I love it.
- [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ]
[ Screaming ]
- Help! Police! - [Siren Wailing]
[ Sighing ]
"To protect and sever"?
- [ Screaming ] - [ Revving ]
- ?? [ Humming ] Hmm. - ?? [ Orchestral ]
- Hmm? - [ Screaming ]
Ooh! How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out ofthis one?
- Sorry. - It happens.
Hey, hey! Wiggedy, wiggedy. Poochie's in the house.
- [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Groaning ]
[ Gasps ] We're done for, Bart!
Not if I know cartoons.
Whoa!
- Whew. That was close. - Uh, Bart?
Not now, Lise. I'm trying to relax.
[Wind Whistling]
[ Electricity Crackling ]
[ Screaming ]
Boring.
[ Slurps ] I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing!
Reg, there's no cilantro in it.
- [ Screaming ] - Oh, God!
- Man alive. This soup is out of control! - Oh.
- Hey! - [ Screams ]
My-- My eyes. My beautiful eyes!
Oh, that's it. I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself!.
[ Crackling ]
- Oh, Itchy's house. This is where we came in. - Look!
Dad, you gotta get us out ofhere! Use the remote!
Huh? Oh, okay.
Let's see. Pause. Uh, three. No. FF--
Come on!
[ Cranking, Squeaking ]
Hurry, Homer!
[ Buzzing ]
- [ Screaming ] - [ Chomping ]
Ooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.
Dad, push "exit."
Hmm.
- Hey. - Aaah!
Lisa, look out! A skeleton!
Aah!
- [ Sighing ] - [Banging]
[ Laughing ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Growling ]
[ Giggles ] Look how cute they are.
[ Squeaking ]
[ Laughs ] Look at him go.
[ Purring ]
- [ Heart Beating ] - You're beautiful.
Aw, somebody's in love.
That means you'll have to be neutered.
No!
Here comes the flying saucer.
[ Crying ]
- What's wrong with Stinky? - She's teething.
- Look. Hervery first baby tooth. - [Homer]Aw--
- Ew! - [Bart] Disgusting.
- Ugh. I just lost my appetite. - Me too.
Wait. Mine came back. [ Chomping ]
- [ Fussing ] - I know how to cheeryou up.
This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart.
This little piggywent nuts.
This little piggywent surfing.
And this little piggywent-- [ Gasps ] Oh!
Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs.
Oh, my God.
[ Gasping ]
Homer, do something.
The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby.
[ Sighs ] All right, I got it.
[ Muttering ] Come on. Get offthe--
[ Hissing ]
[ Shouting ]
Bad baby!
Oh. She's entering the terrible twos, all right.
It's probably nothing, but we just wanted to be sure.
- Aah! - Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Fire, and lots ofit.
Oh, that's your cure for everything.
[ Rattles ]
- [ Squeaks ] - Poor, Maggie.
If onlyyou could tell us what's happening toyou.
Commander Kang, receiving transmission from Infant Pod 1 3.
Holy flirking shnit. What's the message?
"Larval stage completed.
"Standing by for orders.
Experiencing terrible rash. Over."
Ensign Kodos, set coordinates...
for the obscure T-shirt-producing planet known as Earth.
It's time I paid a visit to...
- my daughter. - [ Gulps ]
- We'll return with How Dracula Got His Groove Back. - [Doorbell Rings ]
Hello-- Oh, great. Mormons.
Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
And we've come to see...
- my daughter. - [ Squeaks ]
[ Groans ] Oh, Lord.
I was hoping this day would never come.
Huh? What areyou talking about?
You mean you never told him?
Oh, I guess I've been in denial.
Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
[ Gasps ] You intergalactic hussy!
How could you? [ Sobbing ]
- Was he better than me? - It all happened about twoyears ago.
There I was having a great time in the backyard...
when without warning, I was abducted by aliens.
[ Kang] Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted.
H uh?
[ Groans ]
Congratulations. You have been selected for our crossbreeding program.
To put you at ease, we have re-created...
the most common spawning locations ofyour species.
You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro...
an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding...
orthe alleybehind a porno theater.
I absolutely refuse to go along with this.
But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.
I nitiate fertilization procedure.
[ Yawns ]
Oh, you look lovely this evening.
- Haveyou decreased in mass? - [Marge Narrating] I tried to resist...
but theyappliedpowerful mind-confusion techniques.
Look! Behind you!
- I nsemination complete. - Really? That seemed awfully quick.
- What are you implying? - Nothing. Nothing.
Whoa. Wow. Look at the time.
I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow.
You're a super girl though. I'll call you sometime.
[ Shouts ]
Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie.
And now she must return home to Rigel VII...
where shewill be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life.
Well, we can't compete with that, but--
- But nothing. Getyour slime-less hands offher. - [ Grunting ]
People! People! Space monsters. This is going nowhere.
There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.
- ??[Pop] - [Audience Chanting]Jerry!Jerry!Jerry!
Okay, we're back. Homer, how did it feel to learn...
yourbaby was fathered by a drooling space octopus?
It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired.
Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier...
because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage...
in a soundproofbooth where he can't hear us.
I hear all.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.
- [Audience Cheering] - Hey! Yeah!
- Mmm. - Whoo!
One-eyed, two-timing-- [ Bleeping ] I'm gonna-- [ Bleeping ]
Oh, yeah? Well-- [ Bleeping ] hyperbolic paraboloid-- [ Bleeping ] your mama.
Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
- Homer. - Nah, the green dude.
Ifyou're that baby's daddy, whereyou been at?
- [AudienceAffirming] - [ Groans ]
You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility.
- [Audience ] Yeah! - [ Screams ]
Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.
[ Screaming ]
And now for my final thought.
Nobodywins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.
Let's hope theyput their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.
- [ Hissing ] - Ow! What the-- [ Bleeps ]
Get the-- [ Bleeps ] baby off. [ Bleeps ] Son of a-- [ Bleeps ]
[ Groaning ]
?? [ Pop ]
I 'm so-- [ Bleeps ] embarrassed.
?? [Ends ]
I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
- And now he's dead. - Anyhoo, this is your last chance.
Turn over the baby now.
Orwe will destroy all your leaders in Washington.
Oh, you couldn't destroy every politician.
Just watch us.
[ Laughing ]
[ Bart ] Don't forget Ken Starr!
Suckers.
Come on, Maggie. Let's go home.
- [ Alien Voice ] Verywell. I'll drive. - [ All Gasping ]
[ Maniacal Laughter]
I needblood.
[Regis ] Myeyes! Mybeautiful eyes!