??[Chorus Singing]
[Bell Ringing]
[ Whistle Blowing]
[ Beeping ]
?? [Jazzy Solo ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
D'oh! [ Screams ]
[ Air Blowing ]
And maywe burn in painful and foul-smelling fire...
forever and ever.
A... Men-nonite minister...
will be giving a guest sermon next Sunday.
Go i n peace.
- A-- [ Coughi ng ] - Don't make me come up there.
- men. - Whoo-hoo!
[ Moe ] Let me outta here. The guy never stops talking.
- [ Stomach Grumbling ] - Oh! I'm starving.
Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get Communion wafers and booze?
No. No one's going Catholic.
Three children is enough, thankyou.
Hang in there, Son. I'm taking us out...
for our traditional Sunday brunch.
- [ Driver] Idiot! - He zinged you, Marge.
- [ Giggling ] - [ Gasps ]
- Brunch is served. - [ Gulping, Chomping ]
I feel guilty coming here everySunday...
and never actually buying anything.
Why? We're following the rules. [ Chomping ]
Ifit has a toothpick in it, it's free.
Hey!
[ Gargling ]
Ah. This is my kind ofaisle.
Soy substitute. "Whizless" cheese.
[ Gasps ] Oven-roasted cud.
It's packed in its own drool.
Gavin, honey, help Mommy pick a cereal.
Oh. How about Alfalfa-Bits?
Those suck! I hate this store!
- But, sweetheart, Mommy-- - I hateyou too!
I wanna live with one of my dads.
Mmm!
So, you say this product is known as "fudge"?
Yes.Just like it was last week.
Ifyou're gonna get snippy, I'll take my business elsewhere.
"Jerry Garcia"? [ Groans ]
"Honey Bono"? "Desmond Tutti-frutti"? Eh!
Lisa, help Daddy find some normal flavors. [ Strains ]
"CandyWarhol." "Xavier Nougat."
Naw. Nothin' made of dead guys.
What's in the back? [ Grunts ]
[ Yelps, Shivering ]
Hurryup. Myhands are getting cold.
- Ah-choo! - Oh, my goodness!
- Homer, get her out of there. - Aw!
[ Teeth Chattering ]
[ Groans ] "Sherbert Hoover"?
We've gotta get you home to a warm blanket and a cold compress.
Ooh. [Jabbering ]
[ Clears Throat ] Those are eight dollars a pound, sport.
Eight dollars a pound times, say, oh, five pounds is, um--
Let's see. How many pounds in a gallon?
Oh, I can't afford that.
[ Gasps ] Unless--
Ah-choo!
[ Chuckling ] I told you. I'm a financial genius.
I buy an eight-dollar lobster...
fatten it into an 80-dollar lobster and eat the profits.
Lobsters needsaltwater.
I'm way ahead ofyou.
[ Murmurs ]
- [Bart] Dad, the fish! - Son, I'm still fine-tuning.
Uh, uh-- Uh-oh.
Uh. Uh. Perfect.
- Ah-choo! - Oh, you don't sound so good.
- We'd better getyou some cold medicine. - No problem.
- I picked some up at the store. - [ Sighs ]
Oh, Homie. You made breakfast.
Nothin's too good for my one and only.
Eat! Eat! You're nothing but skin and bones.
Ah-choo! [ Groans ]
- [ Blows Nose ] - How areyou feeling, sweetie?
Much better. Ah-choo!
Oh, my. You're burning up.
I'm going to tell the school you're staying home.
I'm afraid I can't allow that.
- Lisa! - Mom! No, wait. We can make a deal.
You don't have anything I want.
Oh.
[Man Narrating] The ocean abounds with fearsome creatures...
but none attacks its prey with more fury...
than the seaweed shark.
The struggle is soon over.
Oh, you shouldn't be watchi ng The Learning Channel.
- You need to take it easy. - But I'm hardly learning at all.
Why don't you playwith one of Bart's video games instead?
Hugh Downs says they're the latest craze.
?? [ Game Soundtrack]
- [ Sighs ] - [ Chortling ]
[ Aussie Accent ] Foolish dingo.
You must find and devour the seven crystal babies...
or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo!
I am so scared.
All right. I guessyou're supposed to go through this stupid door.
Hmm. I wonder what's in this glowing barrel.
- [ Shrieking ] - What? Nunchakus? Those aren't even Australian.
?? [ Funeral March ]
Oh, great. So I 'm dead now.
Fine. I 'm sick of this stupid game anyway.
Yes! I amjust fourpower wands away from an antigravitylozenge.
Hope I don't run into that weird little troll.
- Hi, Lisa. - No! Pause! Pause!
I brought your homework. We have to read this.
"The Wind in the Willows"?
It's about a toad and a badger and a mole.
I drawed on mine. [ Chuckles ]
- Is this my house? - No. You live in a different house.
Choo, choo, choo, choo! Woo-wooo!
And I shall rule the "down under-verse!" [ Chortling ]
We'll see about that, mate.
Okay. Together, we weigh 300 pounds.
According to my driver's license, I weigh 1 40 pounds.
That means thatyou weigh, oh-- 1 60 pounds!
Oh! You're doin' great.
No, no. Yes, that's it! Bite! Bite! Bite!
[Knocking] Lisa?
- [ Snoring ] - Oh, sweetie, you look so much better.
- Ready to go back to school? - [ Weakly] Oh, I don't know.
[ Coughs ] I mean, I could risk it, but--
No, no. You just stay put.
Wow. You didn't even feel her forehead.
How do I get that kind of credibility?
- With eightyears of scrupulous honesty. - Eh. It's not worth it.
Oh, I really need one more day, Mom.
I think the germs are regrouping.
Now, for breakfast, I'll have hash browns, coffee and a short stack.
And would it kill you to heat up the syrup?
[ Tires Screech ]
But I-- I might infect the other kids.
That's a risk I'm willing to take.
So long!
Welcome back, Lisa. I trustyou got the homework I assigned.
The Windin the Willows? Oh, yeah. Ralph brought it over.
Perfect. Then I won't need to excuse you from the test.
[ Gulp ] Test?
[ Aussie Accent ] Game over, mate.
[ Sighs ]
Okay, all right.
You can bluffyourway through one test.
Mr. Toad has a red blank. Okay. Skip that one.
Mr. blank needs a blank in order to blank his blank.
Oh, I am in deep blank.
- And the lowest grade in the class-- - She's gonna say my name!
- Lisa Simpson-- zero. - [ Gasps ]
Lisa, thepresident ofHarvard wouldlike a word withyou.
Nasty business that zero.
Naturally, Harvard's doors are now closed to you.
But I'll pass your file along to-- [ Snickers ] Brown.
Mmm. Heck of a school. Weren'tyou at Brown, Otto?
Yep. Almost got tenure too.
[ Gasps ] No! Not Brown!
[ Echoing ] Brown. Brown. Brown.
Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?
Well, actually, I do feel a little feverish.
Aw, don't worry about the test. Just get yourself a nice drink ofwater.
Then come back and finish the test.
[ Gasps ]
I need a miracle. Come on. You owe me.
- 'Sup, Sis? - Bart, shouldn'tyou be in class?
I am. It's a little something I whipped up in shop. Mostly latex.
- What areyou doin' out here? - We've got a test, and I didn't read the book.
I'll get a zero for sure. Bart, what do I do?
- Well, ifit was me, I'd just take the zero. - [ Growls ]
Uh, but that's not for everyone.
There's one other possibility.
Hey! I can't go in there.
Relax. There's nothing hereyou didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.
[Nelson ] Hang on. I'll buzzyou in.
Buzz!
- Teacher and subject. - Miss Hoover. Wind in the Willows.
?? [ Humming ]
Oh. Here we go.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God! These are the answers to the test.
- I don't wanna cheat. - Hey, hey. These are study aids.
They're for novelty purposes only.
If a few bad apples use 'em for cheating, I can't be held responsible.
Forget it. I'd rather get a zero.
Good foryou, lass.
I got me a zero once, and my life turned out just fine.
Ach! Whoa-ho!
That's a nasty clog.
Ooh, you've got yourself a partner, have ya?
- Yah! - Keep the change.
Come here, you slippery rascals.
Good news, my delicious friend.
You're going to be a free-range lobster.
Come on, boy. Dig in.
They'll giveyou a big, strong thorax.
Wh--Whoa!
- Why, you little-- - [ Whimpers ]
Oh, look at him cower. Just like the boy.
I can't stay mad at such a helpless little mammal.
[ Giggles ] I'm gonna getyou for that, you little scamp.
Here! Yeh! Take that, Pinchy.
[ Giggling ]
I gradedthis morning's test overlunch...
and most ofyou did quite well.
I got a "B."
No, Ralph. That's an "F." I must have spilled some Kahl�a.
Perfect, Lisa. And you got all the extra-credit questions...
even the one that got cut offby the copy machine.
Well, I guess I was just on a roll. [ Whimpers ]
Don't be so modest, Lisa.
You earned that A-plus-plus-plus.
Actually there are four pluses.
No. That's Drambuie. Mmm!
Oh, soplump andjuicy.
Mmm! He's gonna boil up nicely. [ Slurps ]
Well, I guess this is it, old pal. This is your big day.
- Water's boiling. Quick. Chuck him in. - Uh--
- Come on. Chuck him in. - Okay.
Let's go. In the pot. In the pot.
- [ Murmurs ] - [ Cooing ]
- But, Marge, look at this little guy. - [ Gasps ]
[ Growling, Hissing ]
Looks like an ordinary-- Ow! Son ofa--
Feel that, Marge? He likes you.
And now for the main course--
steamed Maine cabbages!
[ Clears Throat ] Pardon me for asking...
but where the hell's my stupid lobster?
We're not eating Mr. Pinchy. He's part ofthe family now.
[ Grunts ]
Pinchy, I madeyou some risotto.
- What? You gotta be kidding me! - Dad!
What's your problem, veggie? You don't even eat lobster.
No, but I enjoy the smell.
Lobster or no lobster, this is still a very special dinner.
Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da!
Lisa broke her own record by two whole pluses.
Mom! Where did you get that?
It just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging.
By the way, I oiled the hinge on your diary.
Aren'tyou proud ofyour big sister, Mr. Pinchy? Hmm? Hmm?
Oh! I am sick of everyone being so proud of me!
That's my girl.
[Bart] Cheerup, Lise.
You got a good grade without even reading the book. That's win-win.
Can'tyou see the difference between earning something honestly...
and getting it by fraud?
Hmm. I suppose, maybe, if, uh--
No. No, sorry. I thought I had it there for a sec.
[Bell Rings ]
Psst. Lisa, check it out. Tomorrow's fraction quiz.
I'll giveyou the numerators free...
but the denominators are gonna costya.
I don't want your dirty denominators.
Well, la-di-da, Lady "Cheaterly."
- Can I at least keepyou in my Rolodex? - No.
I never cheated before, and I neverwill again.
Oh, I almost wish I hadn't gotten awaywith it.
[SkinnerOn P.A.] Lisa Simpson, report to the principal's office...
to discuss the results ofyesterday's test.
We never met.
I'vejust received some rather unusual news...
regarding your unprecedented A-triple-plus.
To be honest, I'm surprised and saddened--
N-No. Not "saddened." What's the word?
- Ah, yes. "Delighted." - What?
I'm delighted to report that your grade...
brought the entire school's G.P.A. up to our state's minimum standard.
We now qualify for a basic assistance grant.
It's the greatest honor the school has ever received...
andit's all thanks toyou.
Your devotion to scholarship is a shining beacon to all who--
Stop it! I cheated!
Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated!
Lisa, what are you trying to say?
- I cheated! - [ Gasps ]
[Skinner] You cheated?
Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Why didn't Miss Hoover tell me?
She doesn't know. You're the only one I've told.
Well, then, one could make the argument...
that there really is no problem.
- But what I did was wrong. - Oh, very much so.
But as long as we handle this in a mature and, above all, quiet manner...
we'll still get that grant money.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, you really scared me there.
But we can't accept that money. It's tainted.
Now, now. Leave the money out ofthis.
It's not the money's fault you cheated.
Besides, I've already started spending it. Check out the new scoreboard.
- ?? [ Fanfare ] - [ Crowd ] Charge!
[ Chuckling ] I'm still learning all the buttons.
Well, ifyou're gonna cover this up...
- I'll just have to go overyour head to Super-- - [LoudBuzzer]
- intendant-- - [ Loud Buzzer]
- Chalmers! - [ Incoming Whistle ]
[ Loud Explosion ]
Skinner! I am outraged thatyou've kept this from me.
You were supposed to call as soon as the new scoreboard was in.
Tell me, does it play that song "Charge"?
- Oh, does it ever. - You can't keep this scoreboard.
Because there's not gonna be any grant money.
Because I cheated!
Lisa, let's take a walk.
A little traveling music, Seymour.
?? [ "Charge" Stomp ]
- Uh! Good Lord, what a dump. - [Dog Barking] - [ Cat Screeching]
It's not surprising. This school was once classified...
the most dilapidated in all of Missouri.
- [ Together] Hmm? Huh? - That's why it was shut down and moved here, brick by brick.
Look around, Lisa. That grant money could do a lot of good.
Don'tyou think thoseyoungsters deserve a regulation tetherball?
- Ow! - Ohh!
We can buy real periodic tables...
instead ofthese promotional ones from Oscar Mayer.
Who can tell me the atomic weight of"balonium?"
- Ooh. "Dee-licious"? - Correct.
I would also accept "snack-tacular."
And for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.
[ Typing Slowly]
Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers.
- [ Beeps ] - [ Meow ]
I'm "learnding."
Aw, way to go, Ralph.
Oh, she's a beaut. You can't beat a Coleco.
How many can I putyou down for? A lot?
Please say a lot. I need this.
I don't know. I'm not even sure we can keep this one.
- It's up to Lisa. - What doyou say, Lisa?
Will you keep our little secret for the good ofyour classmates and your school?
And let's not forget old Gil, huh?
The wolf's at old Gil's door.
Oh, I guess I don't have much choice.
Oh, thank God! Now let's talk rustproofing.
These Colecos will rust up on you like that.
Shut up, Gil. Close the deal. Close the deal.
Relax, boy. We're not gonna cookyou.
Enjoyyour day at the beach.
Ooh! Look, here's a little playmate foryou.
[ Yelps, Whimpering ]
Hey, you don't have to take that from no punk-ass crab.
- What's wrong with you? - Arr! It's not his fault he's a sissy.
Someone's been coddling him.
Don't look at me. I wanted to eat him.
Sorry. It's usually the mother.
You know, I run a small academy for lobsters like this one.
We stress tough love-- daily chores and the like.
No. We're notsending the lobsteraway to some snobbyboardingschool.
Arr. I understand. It's hard to let go.
Uh, tell me this then. Do you have any spare change?
And now to present the grant money...
a legendary figure in educational disbursement--
State Comptroller Atkins.
- [Applauding] - Whoo!
[Flashbulbs Popping]
Thankyou. I'm here tonight to honor the girl...
whose unprecedented test score has set a new standard in excellence.
- Lisa. - [Applause, Cheering]
Thankyou. I know this giant check is very important to everyone here...
but what's even more important is the truth.
- What? - Huh? - [ Murmuring ]
Because, after all, education is the search for truth.
No. No, it isn't. Don't listen to her. She's out ofher mind.
And the truth is we don't deserve this grant...
and I don't deserveyour applause.
- I cheated on that test. - [ Gasping, Booing ]
Wait! How dareyou condemn this girl?
Who among you can honestly say you've never cheated?
- On yourwives oryour husbands. - [ All Murmuring ]
What she just did took courage.
And where I come from-- Canada-- we reward courage.
So I hereby decree thatyou keep the grant...
and let's give this brave girl the ovation she deserves.
[ Applauding, Cheering ]
Oh, honey, I'm so proud ofyou.
You got the highest grade in the class.
- But, Mom-- - The highest grade.
Okay. Lisa's gone.
Places, people.
[ Straining ] Man! Acting is tough.
I'll be in my trailer.
Oh, good old predictable Lisa.
I knew her conscience was a ticking time bomb.
Heads up! Here comes the real comptroller.
This grant ensures a lightbulb in every classroom...
and a high-definition TV for the teachers' lounge.
- [Flashbulbs Popping] - [Applause, Cheering]
Now, where's the little girl who made this grant possible?
- Where's Lisa Simpson? - [ Microphone Feedback]
- [ScatteredApplause ] - Come on up here, Lisa.
Well, how about that? Smart and modest.
Well, I should be going now. These giant checks don't hand themselves out.
Okay, people, let's have a round of applause...
for the real comptroller.
- [Applause, Cheering] - Hmm? - Idiot.
I know a liquor store where we can cash this right now.
[ Cheering ]
And so. That's one grade I truly earned.
[ Groans ] Who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor?
Sorry, Marge. Pinchy got all dirty in theyard chasing birds.
But don't worry. I put him in a nice hot bath.
[ Sniffs ] Hey, what smells so good?
Yeah-- Pinchy?
Pinchy? Oh!
Pinchy! [ Whimpering ]
[HomerSobbing]
[ Sobbing Continues ]
Oh, man, that's good.
[ Sobbing ] Oh, pass the butter.
[ Sobbing ]
- [ Chomping, Swallows ] - Areyou gonna eat that all byyourself?
[ Whimpering ] Uh-huh. Pinchywould've wanted it this way.
My dear, sweet Pinchy.
No more pain whereyou are now, boy.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Cracking ]
[ Slurps ] Oh, God! That's tasty.
I wish Pinchywere here to enjoy this.
[ Sobbing ]
[ Chomping]
[Whimpering] Oh, Pinchy.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!