??[Chorus Singing]
[Bell Ringing]
[ Whistle Blowing]
[ Beeping ]
?? [Jazzy Solo ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
D'oh! [ Screams ]
This is Kent Brockman, live at the Monty Burns Casino.
Moments from now, "the house that social security checks built"...
will be demolished to make way for a casino-themed family hotel.
This must be heartbreaking foryou, sir.
I'm just thinking of my employees--
All the cardsharps, bottom dealers and shills.
- Where will they go? - They're managing your chain ofnursing homes, sir.
Excellent.
Gone are such headliners as LittleTimmy and the Shebangs...
the Shebangs, and the New Shebangs, featuring Big Timmy.
Remember how excited we were when this place opened?
Then a week later we just forgot about it.
I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town.
Oh, I can explain that. You see--
Five, four, three, two--
All right! Here comes the implosion.
"Implosion"? But I thought you said--
[ Crowd Clamoring ]
- Hockey puck! - [ Chuckling ]
Don Rickles zinged you, Marge.
Dust!
Eat my dust, dust. Oops.
- [Crash ] - [Man Screams ]
[Lisa ] Dad, we hit Don Rickles.
[Man ] I'm okay, but the Puerto Rican guy's trying to stealyour hubcaps.
[ Chuckles ] Just kiddin'. I'm a nice guy.
We'd better stop and get the car washed.
Aw, what's the rush? Might rain next week.
Hey, Homer, your car's kind of dirty.
Really? You think I should get it washed?
- Yeah, maybe. - [ Tires Squealing ]
You listen toyour friends, butyou never listen to me.
Hey, that's great.
All right, young 'uns, bath time.
Cover upyour eyes and dropyour britches. Who wants wax?
- [ Children ] Me! - [ Howls ]
I insistyou take special care with my collection...
ofvaluable and humorous bumper stickers--
Particularly this one...
which was given to me by a Harrison Ford look-alike.
No hablo ingles, seņor.
[Machinery Whirring]
Oh.
?? [Muzak On P.A. ]
Wow. You can't find this stuff anywhere.
Seals and Crofts? Pablo Cruise? Air Supply?
Whoa, ho. Loggins and Oates.
And it's free.
I've never heard ofthese bands, Mom.
- What kind of music do they play? - Crap-Rock?
- No. - Wuss-Rock?
- That's it. - [ Bell Dings ]
Ten dollars? What is this, a carwash for millionaires?
- Throw hot wax on him, Dad. - Howdy, Homer.
Five dollars, please.
Hey, how did "Churchy LaFemme" get half price?
- Senior citizens' discount. - [ Scoffs ] "Senior citizen"? Flanders?
Well, we'll see about that.
?? [ Organ ]
And once again, tithing is 1 0% offthe top.
That's gross income, not net.
- Please, people, don't force us to audit. - [ Murmuring ]
Now, I'm going to pass this around a second time.
Brother Ned, ifyou'll do the honors--
I wouldn't do that, Reverend.
You see, "Saint Flanders" is as crooked as you or me.
[ Murmuring ]
That's right.
It's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a carwash.
How, you ask? With a phony senior-discount card.
- [ Murmuring ] - Well, that's not quite true.
Did you or did you not use a senior citizen discount card at said carwash?
- Well, I did, but-- - Now, I'm not a fancy, big-city lawyer--
- [ All Gasp ] - But it seems to me that a senior citizen...
has to be over 55.
- Isn't that so? - Well, yes.
- And you are how old? - [ Sighs ]
I suppose, ifyou must know, I'm--Well, I'm-- I'm 60.
- [Lenny] God, he looks so good. - [Moe ] He looks unbelievable.
What's your secret, Flanders? Goat placenta? Monkey sweat?
- Some kind of electric hat? - Holy water? It's holy water, right?
Aah! It burns!
Listen, folks. There's no magic formula.
I just follow the three C's--
Clean living, chewing thoroughly...
and a daily dose ofvitamin church.
- [ Groaning ] - And, of course, I resist all the major urges.
- All ofthem? - You mean you've never splurged...
and, say, eaten an entire birthday cake...
- then blamed it on the dog? - Oh?
You've never licked maple syrup offyour lover's stomach?
- [ Skinner Groans ] - You've never snuck out of church to break into cars?
No, no and double no.
I haven't done any ofthose things, folks.
You name it, I haven't done it.
Geez, Flanders, you're 60 years old...
and you haven't lived a day in your life.
Yeah, even the boy in the bubble had a deck of cards.
- [ Chattering ] - Hmm.
Can you believe it?
It almost seemed like those folks were making fun of old Steady Neddie.
Well, you may be a bit cautious, but what's wrong with that?
Some people like chunky peanut butter, some like smooth.
Mm-hmm, and some people just steer clear ofthat whole hornets' nest.
I'll stickwith just plain white bread, thankyou very much, maybewith a--
[Together] Glass ofwater on the side for dippin'.
- [ Brakes Squeal ] - Gosh darn it.
Am I that pre-diddly-ictable?
[ Sighs ] I'vewasted mywhole dang-diddly life.
- ??[Rock On Radio] - Hey there!
Look at that. Everyone's livin' it up except Ned.
Help! We're being carjacked.
Don't get clever, old man.
Now take us to Dress Barn.
[Maude ] Where haveyou been, Neddie?
In the bathroom-- not trimmin' my mustache.
What do you think?
Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby?
- No, you remind me of silly billy Ned Flanders. - [ Laughing ]
- Would a silly billy sit like this? - [ Snap]
- Ooh! - Rod, Call Dr. Stein.
Allright, Bart-- Fire in the hole.
[ Chuckles ] Okay, no more gasoline.
- Hmm. - ?? [ Humming ]
Full power.
Never a dull moment, huh, Homer?
You got that right. Throw on the mesquite, Bart.
Mesquite it is.
You know, this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer...
but I was wondering ifyou could show me how to have some fun.
Well, well, well.
So Flawless Flanders needs help...
from Stinky Pants Simpson.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah, I guess I do.
Welly, welly, welly.
-Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus Magee. -How about it, Homer?
Will you teach me the secret ofyour intoxicating lust for life?
- Wellity, wellity, wellity. - Stop that!
Will you help me or not?
- [Can Clanks ] - Let's do it.
- [ Groans ] - So what about all this meat?
Aw, the missus will clean that up.
Now it's Marge's time to shine.
First of all, I get five dollars a day, plus expenses.
- Seems fair. - And I'll need your signature...
here, here...
and initial here.
[ Chuckles ] You're not really giving my father...
- power of attorney, areyou? - Of course I--
[ Gasps ] Oh, my stars. I can't do that.
Well, that's unfortunate. Really is.
[ Sighs ] All right.
Congratulations.
Welcome to the Homer Simpson Program.
So what happens next?
One day soon I will come foryou...
and then the game will begin.
Could be in the middle ofthe night.
It could bewhen you least expect it.
Orwhatever's good foryou. I don't care.
Okay, Homer, I'm ready to learn.
What's the first lesson? Just gimme the topic sentence.
Gimme that! That's your problem.
You're livin' up here.
You gotta live down here, in the impulse zone.
Ifyou wanna be like me, you gotta make snap decisions--
- Like this! - [ Tires Squealing ]
We're going to break the bank...
at the Monty Burns Casino.
Homer, they blew that upyesterday.
- [Homer] Oh,yeah, right. - [Ned Whimpers ]
Then we're goin' to Las Vegas--
- Which is actually back in that direction. - [ Tires Squeal ]
?? [ Ad-libs Song ]
That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas.
Eh, too many kids.
Ooh. It's goin' on 8:30.
I better call Maude and tell herwhere I am.
Relax. I called her from the gas station.
- Thanks, buddy. - [ Snickers ] Sucker.
Gee, Homer, this all looks so garish.
- [MonkeyChattering] - [Elephant Trumpeting]
Oh! The lights, the noise, the letter "X."
It's-It's all designed to inflame the senses.
I'm overstimulated. I gotta get out ofthis town.
I don't think so.
I thinkyou'll find escape is quite impossible.
No, I got it.
Oh! Would you like to be in the audience for my infomercial?
[ Screams ]
- Help me! - [ Screams ]
My daughter's not talented. [ Groans ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
[Crowd Cheering]
Hey-- Lance Murdock.
[ Revving ]
Ifhe's not careful, his scooter could roll right down that ramp.
He's a daredevil, Ned. He laughs at death.
Whoa. When I wanna laugh, I'll take Bob Saget, thankyou very much.
Andnow, the indestructible Lance Murdock willjump his "SuiCycle"..
over an audience member--
And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe...
on his head.
Any vol unteers?
- Ooh, ooh, ooh! Pick him. Pick him. - Homer, no.
I wanna do something exciting...
but I can't just go from zero to 30 like that.
- I-I could be killed. - Fine. I'll do it.
- Where doyou want me? - On the "X."
You mean the one with the red paint?
Uh, yeah, paint.
Now, it's of critical importance thatyou don't--
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll figure it out. This isn't rocket science.
Well, actually, there are several rockets mounted to the--
- Boring. - [ Crowd Cheering]
[ Revving ]
[Announcer] Okay, he's cleared the ring offire...
passed the ring ofice, over the dog do stick.
- He's cracked the safe. - Hey, Flanders, don't spill my beer.
Oh, God! Lay down. Lay down.
[ Screaming ]
- Clear! - [ Electrical Crackling ]
He's all right, folks.
[ Cheering ]
Okeydoke. Let's hit the tables.
My God, Homer, watching you riskyour life...
turned my beat box all the way up to "rumba."
I was praying you'd be safe...
but t-to be honest, part of me wanted to see you get splattered.
- Oh, I think someone just had his first taste ofbloodlust. - Hmm.
- [ Clicking,Jingling ] - Let's see. What's Marge's birthday?
Barney's is July 1 5, same as Lassie's...
so Marge must be 50-- Oh, forget it.
- Flanders, what's your birthday? - Oh, leave me out ofthis, Homer.
Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7.
Seven, eh?
- [Man ]Seven a winner. - Way to go, Flanders.
The Bible's finally pulling its weight.
Got any more holy numbers?
Oh, I've got a bunch, Homer, but--
I just don't feel right.
Oh, Lord, what should I do?
- [Man With Deep Voice ] Keep Gaming. - What?
- It means gambling. Keep gambling. - Oh. Right-eo.
- One betting disk, please. - "One betting disk, please."
Watch and learn.
- And 1 4 black. - Well, thereyou go.
- Now, how about a drink? - [ Stammers ]
How doyou do it, Homer?
How doyou silence that little voice that says, "Think."
- You mean Lisa? - Oh, no. I mean common sense.
Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol.
You might want to write that down. Where the hell's your notebook?
- You threw it out the-- - Never mind.Just pay attention.
- Slave girl? Oh, slave girl. - [ Ice Cubes Tinkling ]
- More libations, my imperial conquerors? - What?
- More booze? - Oh, yeah. Two more ofthese, please.
- [ Beeping ] - And foryou, Ned?
I'll have a Shirley-- No, a virgin--
No, make it a children's--
Oh, what the heck. You only live once.
Give me a white wine spritzer.
[Echoing] Spritzer--
[LoudSnoring]
- [ Groans ] - [ Snoring Continues ]
Oh, my goodness, Homer.
- Wake up. - [ Mumbling ]
Oh, look at this place.
Hoo. We must have really painted the town last night.
I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit...
and I don't remember a thing.
Welcome to myworld.
Oh, I did it!
I conquered my fears and I made up for a lot oflost living.
- And I owe it all to the HomerSimpson Program. -Thewhat, now?
[Woman] Well, it's about timeyou two woke up.
Well, of course. It-- [ Screams ]
- Who areyou? - Who am I?
I'm Mrs. Ned Flanders.
- G'ah! - [ Laughs ]
Hey, smooth move, Flanders.
And I'm Mrs. HomerSimpson.
[ Screams ]
- Here comes that vomit again. - Eww.
[Homer] Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Okay, you're saying that Ned and me married you two.
- Oh, yeah. We're hitched, all right. - Till death do us part.
- Mm-hmm. I'm working on that. - Ned, no!
Think ofyourwives.
Wait a minute. This could be some kind ofscam.
Or possibly "scam-ola."
We would remember ifwe got married.
Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, "Homeo."
- Take a look at this. - [Homer]Aw. "Precious Memories."
I okilly-dokilly, "schmokilly" do.
And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met...
to be your lawfullywedded wife?
- What did you call me? - [ Groans ]
Doyou want to get married? Married.
Sure. Sock it to me, baby.
By the powervested in me by the Chicago outfit...
I now pronounce you husbands and wives.
?? [Synthesizer]
We are so dead.
Ladies, we want to do the honorable thing, so breakfast is on us--
with full waffle bar privileges.
But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news.
[ Sighs ] The waffle bar is closed.
- I'm sorry. I'm so very-- - Homer!
The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives.
Well, you can't be very happy with them ifyou married us.
You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had--
And we're not giving you up without a fight.
But, Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.
- Ginger's mywife. - Areyou sure? Oh, rats.
No offense, sweetie.
Homer, why don't we...
go make the girls some custom omelets?
Geez. I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast. [ Imitates Whipcrack]
[ Whimpers ]
What are we gonna do, Homer? My kids are gonna be traumatized.
- And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude! - I don't know, Flanders.
Having two wives could have its advantages.
Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig.
You know, Homey, there's so much more...
two wives could do foryou.
I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping.
- [ Buzzing ] - Ooh! A friendly bee. [ Screams ]
Ow. That sting hurts so much.
- We gotta get out ofthis, Ned. - Well, do something.
This is all your fault-- You and your stupid program.
Blame me ifyou must, but don't ever speak ill ofthe program.
The program is rock solid. The program is sound.
- Yoo-hoo! - Oh, those awful women want their omelets.
Oh, how are we gonna get out ofthis mess in an honorable and decent--
Oh, nuts!
I don't know. Omelets have a lot offat in them.
Forget it. You're married. Letyourself go.
- [ Grunting ] - They're running away.
?? [Man Singing Rock]
Aah!
?? [ Continues ]
Aah!
[ Grunts, Thuds ]
- [ Both Groaning ] - ?? [Ends ]
How could a fat guy run so fast? Hey!
Aw--
Come on, baby, show Gil a four.
- Craps. - Oh, no.
Why did I bet the company payroll?
Oh, Gil's in a lot oftrouble.
- [ Nervous Laugh ] - Somebody help!
Our husbands are trying to ditch us.
Someone dishonoring their marriage vows? Not in Las Vegas.
Attention, all employees. We've got two runaways. Stop them.
- [ Whimpering ] - [ Panting ] Oh, no!
- [ Roars ] - [ Screams ] A lion.
DrederickTatum.
Your behavior is-- It's unconscionable.
[ Whimpers, Screams ] The Moody Blues!
Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife...
while ancient Ned runs for his life.
Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide which--
Can the poems. It's ass-whooping time.
- I want fatty. - [ Screams ]
- Get him! Get him! - Let's get him.
What ifwe switched wives? Would that help?
- For the last time, no. - Hello! Our ticket to freedom.
- [ Car Starts ] - So long, suck--
- [ Clamoring ] - [ Roaring ]
- [ Homer, Ned Whimpering ] - Get out and stay out.
Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners.
Takeyour money and go someplace else.
- [ Crowd ] Yeah! - I really disrespect them.
And don'tyou ever try to marry us again.
We found some guys who know how to treat a woman.
- [ Nervous Laugh ] - [ Grunts ]
- But, Amber, I can change. - Will you shut up?
- We were out buying them fabulous gifts-- - What's the occasion?
Because we love them,jackass.
Anyhoo, we came out ofWal-Mart, when suddenly, 1 00 spaceships--
- Homer! - You're right, you're right.
Fifty spaceships beamed us aboard.
They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention...
that blew their heads up and saved America.
Uh, do I have to be gang-probed?
Would you rather tell Maude the truth?
- What did the aliens look like? - Well, I onlysaw them from the back...
'cause they were so busy gang-probing you.
- Well, hello, little birdies. - [ Both Scream ]
- Not the eyes! - My eyes! Coveryour eyes!
?? [ Man Singing Rock ]
?? [ Continues ]
?? [ Ends ]
- [ Murm uri ng ] - Shh!