??[Chorus Singing]
[Bell Ringing]
[ Whistle Blowing]
[ Beeping ]
?? [Jazzy Solo ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
D'oh! [ Screams ]
- [ All Gasp ] - [ Channel Changes ]
[ Snoring ]
[ Chattering ]
Hey, hey. Settle down, children.
Now, who's everwondered how the post office works?
- No one? - I did until we came here lastyear.
Ah, yes, lastyear. Anyway, look.
Here comes our guide for the day, Postmaster Bill.
[ Chuckling ] Howdy, partners.
Welcome toyour post office.
Wow! It's ours?
- [Skinner] Bart! - Be with you in a minute.
This is the lobby where customers come...
for all their "postalistic" needs.
"Legends of comedy," my tuchus!
What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done?
This machine reads zip codes.
These five digits tell us where to direct your mail.
But it's nine digits now. What's the point ofthese other four numbers?
Those are citizen relocation codes.
With any luck, we'll never need 'em.
- She's onto us. Should I flood the chamber? - Notyet. Let's get some lunch.
Well, children, any questions for Postmaster Bill?
You ever gone on a killing spree?
No, no. The day ofthe gun-toting, disgruntled postman...
shooting up the place went out with the Macarena.
Well, I'm just glad I work at an elementary school.
And this is where our employees gather to unwind...
after a hard day ofserving the public.
Bingo! Birthday card!
- Graduation! - Ding-ding-ding! Wedding!
[ All Cheering ]
[ Chuckling, Moans ]
I'm sureyou all heard ofthe dead letter office.
Well, as a souvenir ofyourvisit...
you can each helpyourself to one piece ofundeliverable mail.
- [ Cheering ] - I'll takeyou.
- [ Growling ] - I got some dog food!
I got my letterto Santa.
A coupon book? What am I gonna do with this piece ofjunk?
- Happy birthday, Dad. - Wow!
A Val-U-Qual coupon book!
Let's see. Ten percent off carpet cleaning. Ten!
[ Gasps ] Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's!
- Doughy's has terrible pizza. - Yeah, but there's two!
Oh, free foot pain analysis.
Oh, Marge. That's just a trick to get you in there, so they can cure your foot pain.
I guess. [ Moaning ]
Seeya, kids. Me and myVal-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red...
with savings!
I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentarytango lesson.
And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
- Um, Dad? - ?? [ Singing Upbeat Song ]
??[Continues]
Now, this wheel balancing is free, right?
Oh, you betcha. Absolutely.
Uh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
These tires won't take a balance.
- Theywon't? - Nah, no. You hear that clunk?
- No. - That tells meyou need four new tires.
- Really? - Yeah. Legally, I can't even letyou drive out ofhere.
Oh, please, can'tyou let me slide this time?
Gee, I'd really like to, but if my boss found out--
What's going on over here? You gonna let this man drive out ofhere on unsafe tires?
- No, boss, I swear. - That's it. You're fired!
No, wait. This is all my fault.
Oh, ifl could only turn back the clock and buy four new tires.
??[Instrumental EasyListening]
[ Moans ]
Ooh, I know that look. You came in for the free wheel balance...
and now it's costing you 500 simoleons.
- Six with the tip. - Hey, you got off easy.
I just came in to use the phone, and they got me for the whole Road King package--
alignment, shocks, Armor All, stem lube.
[ Laughing ] Stem lube.
Even I didn't fall for that, although winter is coming.
Man, we are a couple of grade-A suckers.
- Wally Kogen. - Hey, I knowyou.
We were in the same pyramid scheme.
Oh, don't remind me. Friends helping friends, my ass!
Say, you wanna grab a beer while we're waiting?
Yeah. I'm getting tired ofthem pointing and laughing at us.
[ Man ] The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless.
- I mean, when you think about it. - Football's so great.
But now the two conference champs must survive...
a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys.
Bye weeks! Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks.
And now he's dead. Well, maybe they're a good thing.
Yeah, how 'bout that Super Bowl. You going this year?
Me? Nah. [ Gasps ]
Unless there's a coupon for it. Nah.
Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency.
We've got a charterbus going down to the game.
You help us fill it, you can ride for free.
Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl?
Dang! That was my last quarterback.
Now what am I gonna do? You!
- Me? - Yeah, you. Getyour hand off mywife's leg.
Sorry.
It's a deal. Hey, Moe, you wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl?
Oh, absolutely. My favorite team's in it.
The Atlanta Falcons.
Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons.
Yeah, they're good, but I wouldn't count out the Denver Broncos.
Yeah, I hear that President Clinton...
is gonna be watching with his wife, Hillary.
Come on, Lenny. I need four more guys to fill my Super Bowl bus.
- What doyou say? - Nah.
- Come on! - Nah.
- Oh, come on! - Ah--
Yes! Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino.
I'm so happyyou're going to the big game.
My dream has always been to see the Bolshoi Ballet.
Yeah, yeah. Do we have any pencils that work?
Wow. You've signed up quite a few people, Dad--
the Sea Captain, Bumblebee Man, Comic Book Guy, the Squeaky-voiced Teen.
I gotta hand it toyou, Homer. It's really a good group.
Yeah, not a dame in sight.
Oh, thank God. Now we can stop holding it in.
[ All Sighing ]
All aboard for Miami.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Barney] I don't know ifl can last that long.
Super Bowl, please, and step on it.
- [ All Cheering ] - Hey, wait up!
Aw, crap. It's that pip-squeak Rudy.
- What is it, Rudy? - Can I come too?
Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl.
But what I lack in size I make up for in...
obnoxiousness.
[ All Cheering ]
?? [Upbeat Song]
Well, sports fans, I seeyou've located the beer supply.
So, let's all enjoy it in moderation.
- [Man ] Boo! - Hey, don't make me come back there.
Seriously now, ifyou have any questions...
just ask our team leader, Homer Simpson.
?? [ Drunkenly Humming ]
Or me. Better ask me.
[ Sighs ] It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
- Yeah, I'm bored too. - Mm-hmm.
Hey, why don't we do one ofthose craft kits Aunt Patty always gives us.
Hmm. Oh! How 'bout paint by numbers?
- It's so rigid and uncreative. - Okay.
- Oh, leather craft. - Oh, those poor, helpless cows!
Mm-hmm. What about clay? You got any problem with clay?
Hey, what's this?
"Vincent Price's Egg Magic."
Wow. What are we waiting for?
[ All Laughing ]
Now lookwhatyou've done.
All right, all right. You guys have had way too much booze.
- Last call. - [ Excited Chattering ]
Come on, come on. Gimme an excuse.
Pro Player Stadium. Super Bowl.
- [ All Cheering ] - [ Gunshots ]
Hey, all right!
[ Bleating ]
[ Chuckles ] I'm sorry.
- The guys made kind ofa mess in your bathroom. - What bathroom?
Uh, okay, fellas. Enjoy the pregame fun.
I don't wanna be a Panicky Pete...
but it's Sunday and I haven't been to church yet.
No problem. The N.F.L.'s gotyou covered.
And that the wandering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home.
Lord, hear our prayer. Can I get an amen to that?
[ All ] Amen!
Cool! The N.F.L.'s oldest surviving player.
- I'm 53 years young. - [ Shuddering ]
Whoo!
Hey, Troy Aikman!
So, Ned, you like dune buggies?
Well, not my cup of--
Sureyou do. Everyone likes dune buggies.
Great spiral, Daniel!
Man, that hurts.
Excuse me. Coming through. Friends of Dan Marino.
Okay, Dan, fire away!
I'm Dan's manager. This is Dan.
- Go long, son. - Yes, sir.
[ Whimpering ]
I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino. This is the greatest moment of my--
Whoo-hoo! HomerSimpson with a pick!
- Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron. - [ Growling ]
- Uh-oh. Lateral to Bart. - [ Growling Continues ]
- D'oh! My spine. - [Bone Snaps ]
Oh, honey, that is egg-ceptional.
Okay, now we just have to stick the feet on.
Right.
Hmm. Lisa, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm not finding any.
But it clearly says "feet included." They have to be here.
No. Nothing.
I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product.
- Now what do we do? - Let's call the company.
Mom, this was made in 1 967. They're probably out ofbusiness.
Well, we'll just see.
Murray Hill 5-9232.
[ Line Ringing ]
Hello. This is Vincent Price.
[ Gasps ] It's Vincent Price! I thought hewas dead.
You should know the grave could never tame me. [ Sinister Laughter]
Oh, Mr. Price. I loved you in TheAbominable Doc--
Ifyou are calling about the missing feet, leaveyour address...
and the replacement feet will be rushed toyou by my grandson Jody.
Andnow I must return to the sweet embrace ofthe crypt.
But I'll be back. [Sinister Laughter]
So, is he alive or not?
- [ Machine Beeps ] - 7 42 Evergreen Terrace.
Springfield-- "Oh, hiya," Maude.
Come on in.
Who needs tickets? Tickets, right here. How 'boutyou, slick?
Scalping tickets to the Super Bowl.
Haveyou no shame, sir? I should giveyou a royal caning.
[ All Shouting Agreement ]
Hey, I'm just trying to make an honest buck.
Ah, get lost, you bloodsucking parasite.
Wally and I have all the tickets we need.
Uh, sorry, fellas, but these tickets are counterfeit.
- What? - Counterfeit?
Yeah, see, the hologram's missing...
and there's no such team as the Spungos...
and finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker.
Stop eating our tickets!
Oh, how could I fall for fake tickets?
Gee, the fellas are gonna be crestfallen.
Yes, ifby "crestfallen" you mean "kill us".
Listen, let me talk to them. Maybe I can smooth this over.
My friends--
- They don't have the tickets! - Kill 'em!
My friends-- Ow! All right, I'll getyou into the game!
Excuse me, uh, Mr. Scalper, sir.
Have I told you that I loveyou?
Forget it. You'll just hurt me like all the others.
Okay, Moe, I believe you had me by the throat.
Reverend Lovejoy was working the body.
Wait. Dad, look!
Hello. Gentlemen, I have an idea.
- Run! - [ All Cheering ]
- Get back here! - We can still make the kickoff!.
- Here comes the kick. - [ Cheer Building Up ]
- Ow! - [ All ] Yea!
As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough.
But as a football fan--
- [ Cheer Building Up ] - [ Screams ]
[Wind Gusting]
[ Honking ]
?? [Rock]
[Man Over TV] The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.
These Super Bowl commercials are weird.
[Man ]Just about ready for the second quarter here in Miami.
I tell you, Pat, that wild first quarter blew out my Telestrator.
- And now the fans are screaming for more. - [ Screaming ]
- Let us out of here! - Relax, Simpson. Relax.
A little-known fact about jail cells...
is they always have one phony bar for, like, emergencies.
Real. Real. Real. Real. Real.
So by the process of elimination, this one is the fake.
[ Groaning ] That's painful.
[Crowd Cheering On TV]
Ah, nuts. That sounds like a touchdown.
- [All Moaning] - No, no, no. I know my roars.
And that was most definitely a safety.
- [ All Moaning ] - Oh, man!
Gosh, fellas, to see you all stuck in here when...
even guys in China can watch all the action from theirtown squares or what haveyou...
well, I just feel pretty doggone bad.
If they were electing a president of Dumbville, I'd have to nominate me.
- You got myvote. - We're never gonna get out of--
Psst, cleaning lady. Would you let us out ofhere?
- Me? I'm Dolly Parton. - I didn't ask foryour life story. Just give me the key.
Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say "please."
And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump.
- Dolly, wait! - Wally?
You know Dolly Parton?
Yeah. I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood.
- That's in Alabama. - Wally Kogen!
What areyou doing in Super Bowl jail?
- Ask her ifshe'll go out with me. - We had a little ticket snafu.
Doyou thinkyou can bust old Wally and his pals outta the pokey?
Well, I do have some ofmy extra-strength makeup remover.
Shieldyour eyes.
[ Excited Murmuring ]
- Thanks, Miss Parton. - [ Barney] Way to go, Dolly.
- [ Bart ] Thanks, babe. - Will you go out with me?
Oh, look at the time. I better scoot to that halftime show.
Seey'all!
Man, that's gonna be some show.
Who's ready for some football?
Football!
?? [Upbeat Rock]
Hey, Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour.
- Where the hell's the game? - [ All Murmuring Agreement ]
You guys are following me? I was following Flanders.
Hey, lookwhat I found.
- Whoa! - [ Excited Murmuring ]
- Hey! - [Crowd Cheering]
- Hey, somebodyjust scored. - [ Homer] Coming in a minute.
- [ Chattering ] - [ Belches ]
[ Homer] Hey, it's the beer copter!
- What the bloody hell? - Hit the road, gramps.
This is a private skybox.
I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. And this is my skybox.
Ifyou're Rupert Murdoch, prove it.
- [ Whispering ] - [ Whispering ]
- ?? [Fanfare ] - [ Crowd ] Hi, Rupert!
- [ All ] Uh-oh. - Well, I'm convinced.
Tell you what, Mr. Murdoch. Let's just split the difference.
The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks--
Silence!
- Seize them! - [ Gasping ]
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
[Crowd Cheering]
The game! We're so close. Follow me, boys.
We're finally going to the Super-- [ Screams ]
- [ Player] We did it! We're number one! - We're rich!
- How does it feel? - Did you ever stop believing?
Does this suit make me look fat?
- Players and V.I.P.s only. - [ All Moan ]
I can't believe it. We're actually in the winning locker room.
Whoo! I'm going to Disneyland!
Really? 'Cause I'm a travel agent and I've heard nothing but bad things.
- [ All Grunting ] - Let go!
- [ Ringing ] - Y'ello?
- Hello. This is President Clinton. - Hey, howyou doing?
Your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration.
- Thewhole country is proud ofyou. -Well, it's about time!
And on behalf ofAmerica, I'd like to--
Ow!
All right, Lovejoy! You're gonna get it.
Hello? Hello? I command you to answer me! Hello?
Al, doyou have to do that right now?
What areyou gonna do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl?
I'll probably give it to mywife. It's our anniversary today.
[ All Sighing ]
Dad, that doesn't belong toyou.
But this might be my last chance towin one.
We sure put together a heck ofa trip, Homer. Ever thought about being a travel agent?
Wally, I'd be lying ifl said I hadn't.
'Causeyou can really "go places" in the travel business.
- Huh? Feel free to use that one. - What one?
Well,John, what did you think oftonight's episode?
I loved it. The last-minute addition ofWally Kogen to the lineup...
was a bit ofa gamble, but it really paid off.
Marge and Lisa painting eggs-- did thatwork foryou?
Oh, big-time! They came offthe bench with a huge effort...
that allowed Homer and Bart to make some significant gains.
Did it strikeyou as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton...
we didn't see any football or singing?
I hadn't thought about it, Pat. But in retrospect, it was kind ofa rip-off.
What a way to treat the loyal fans...
who've put up with so much nonsense from this franchise.
- Any final thoughts? - Nah, I'm too mad. Let's get the heck out ofhere.
All aboard, boys. I've been waiting foryou.
Now, I'll tell you-- that doesn't make a lick ofsense!
I know. Just get on the bus.
- [ Gears Grinding] - [Price ] Where's that infernal clutch?
- Wait, wait. I'll get it. - [Boy] Give it some gas, Grandpa.
Oh, quiet,Jody. You're not helping.
?? [ Rock ]
?? [ Instrumental Easy Listening ]
[ Rupert Murdoch ] Silence!