??[Chorus Singing]
[Bell Ringing]
[ Whistle Blowing]
[ Beeping ]
?? [Jazzy Solo ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
D'oh! [ Screams ]
[ All Gasp ]
You promised to stop watching that telly and take me on holiday.
Shut up-a your mouth!
[ Announcer] Ethnic Mismatch Comedy#644...
has been canceled.
While we scramble to find new programming...
please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's funeral.
[ Groans ] I was really starting to enjoy...
Ethnic Mismatch Comedy#644!
I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds.
Shut up-a your mouth!
[Announcer]Attention, Springfield! How low willyou go--
[ Gasps ]
to win a trip to Hawaii?
This Saturday, ourjudges will select the lowest, most disgusting nitwit in town...
and send him straight to Maui.
Sponsored by Grandma Plopwell's...
the low fat pudding that's approved for sale...
- by the government. - ?? [ Patriotic ]
Al I ri ght! A gross-out contest!
Grandma Plopwell, you've done it again!
- Care for a free sample? - Thankyou.
Mmm. For low fat, this pudding's pretty good.
Mmm. Mmm. I can feel the pounds just melting off.
Our new hyper sugar gives you 300% of your minimum daily sweetness requirement.
- [ Panting ] - Hmm. Doyou suffer from diabetes?
[ Shivering ] No.
Well, you do now.
We are here live in the K.B.B.L. parking lot to see...
how low will you go.
Our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip to Hartford, Connecticut.
- I thought it was Hawaii. - No one said Hawaii.
Now let's get stupid with our first contestant...
- the human garbage disposal! - [Applause ]
Ladles and jelly spoons, I will now take going low to new heights.
I will swallow anything-- and I mean anything--
you people throw.
- Here, take this! - [All Shouting]
[ Coughs ] Please, no more spark plugs.
Lisa, would you like a penny to throw at your brother?
Unbelievable. We're rewarding people for acting like buffoons.
Young lady, this may be the high point of Bart's life.
Cut him some slack.
- [ Belches ] - [ All Cheering ]
No, wait. That wasn't a trick.
I was gonna juggle chickens.
- [Moans ] - [ Clucking ]
[Deejay#2 ] Next up, Homer andhis amazing RedenbacherDreamcoat...
with a numberhe calls "Kernel Knowledge."
?? [ Singing ]
[ Popcorn Popping ]
Four? [ Screaming ]
Oh, no! [ Screams ]
Oh, this is so embarrassing!
- Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? - You.
Hmm. Well, no one's forcing you to stay.
- Okay, I'm leaving. - Hup. You're not going anywhere, missy.
[ Crowd Booing]
But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit.
Moe with a lolly. [ Chuckles ]
It's so out of character. Ain't that worth nothin'?
- [Booing] - [Woman ] Come on. Next.
All right,judges, who is ourwinner?
The winner is...
me for being seen with you freaks.
Judges can't win the contest! Boo!
You have robbed us of our dignity.
Well, you-- [ Gasps ] A urinal cake!
You, sir, have crossed the line.
Oy!
[ CrowdShouting]
People, stop, stop! We're not animals!
[ Ape Calls ]
Take that!
[ All Cheering ]
[ Groans, Gasps ]
[ Moans, Gasps ]
An open letter to the people of Springfield.
Today, our town lost what remained ofits fragile civility...
drowned in a sea oflow fat pudding.
- Look, I got runner-up prize. - You won second place?
No, but I got it.
Stealing is wrong.
"Free boudoir photography."
Sweet!
Hmm.
[ Mutters, Gasps ]
Oh, right.
We are a town oflowbrows, no brows and ignorami.
We have eight malls, but no symphony.
Thirty-two bars, but no alternative theater.
Thirteen stores that begin with "Le Sex."
I write this letter not to nag orwhine, but to prod.
We can better ourselves.
- [ Pig Squealing ] - Yeehaw!
Well, most of us.
Dad, did you see anything provocative in today's paper?
Yes, there's a real think piece here about a bra sale.
Dad, stop kidding around. Look. They printed my letter.
Hey, that is wonderful, sweetie. I'm gonna read it...
just as soon as I finish what I'm doing here.
Well, I'm sure someone had the time to read it.
I envy them.
Hi, Mr. Flanders.
I seeyou're reading the newspaper.
[ Chuckles ] Everything but the opinion page.
I don't need to be told what to think... by anyone living.
ChiefWiggum.
Oh, you sure got a lot of copies ofthe paper.
Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog.
Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals.
Daddy says I'm this close to living in theyard.
[ Groans ] Doesn't anybody in this town read?
Oh, hello, Lisa.
Can you recommend any books for my mobile?
Oh, absolutely. Well, you know, anything byJane Austen.
Jane Austen. Thanks, Lisa. I'll get right on it.
[ Gasps ]
"We read your letter with great interest.
"Ifyou wish to learn more, go to 1 3 Euclid street.
Tell no one. And bring a dessert."
- Oooh. - [Bart] Hey, Lise.
- [ Squealing ] - Whoa! Whoa!
- [Bell Chiming] - [Male Voice, Deep ] Lisa Simpson...
areyou readyto go on a voyage ofintellectual self-discovery?
I think so.
Is that a pie or a quiche?
- A pie. - [ Voices Chattering]
You may enter.
- [ Gasps ] - Welcome to Mensa, Lisa!
It's the organization for people with high I.Q.'s.
I know that. It's also a constellation visible only from the southern hemisphere.
She's good. She's very good.
[ Laughs ] And she brought a cream pie.
You want me to join Mensa?
Oh, that's wonderful. But don't I have to take some sort ofl.Q. test?
No, Lisa, you're more than qualified.
I shared all your standardized test scores with the other members.
- Aren't those supposed to be confidential? - Welcome to Mensa!
You've joined such luminaries as cartoonist, Mel Lazarus...
Geena Davis and Parade magazine's Marilyn vos Savant.
Each the tops in his or her field...
uh, except for Mel Lazarus.
Wow. I'm so honored you wanted me.
Well, it was your delightfully condescending letter that putyou over the top.
- Lindsay Neagle, Advanced Capital Ventures. - Oh, what doyou produce?
Synergy, and books on how to cheat at bridge.
Lisa, I thinkyou'll really enjoy it here.
Now, let's get down to business. Any new palindromes?
[ Clears Throat ] Rise to vote, sir.
Now, you know the agenda. Palindromes, anagrams, eat Lisa's pie, then voting.
But "rise to vote, sir" is a palindrome.
- Good glavin. She's right. - Told you.
Lisa, I thinkyou're gonna fit in just fine around here.
Wow. Me, fit in.
Hello. I have a certificate for a free erotic photo session.
- Oh, yes. Your name? - Uh, Geraldo Simpson.
- All right, Mr. Simpson-- - [ Screams ] Who told you?
Don't worry. These photos are perfectly legal.
Many husbands use them as a romantic gift for theirwives.
Uh, you're not gonna ask me to pose nude, areyou?
Well, yes, unless you have some issues with revealing your body.
Well, I don't, but the block association seems to.
Theywanted a "traditional" Santa Claus.
??[Classical]
I can't believe how they're dumbing down the Springfield Library.
They've gotten rid ofthe English literature section...
and replaced it with a make-your-own-sundae bar.
I heard they got rid ofthe reference desk to make room for an air hockey table.
- Even the microfilm? - Even the microfiche.
- [ All Moan ] - My family never talks about library standards.
And every time I try to steer the conversation that way...
they make me feel like a nerd.
We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
[Lisa Reading]
Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.
Oh, Dad, I just spent the day with the most wonderful people.
Oh, that's great, honey. You tell me everything you can before the commercial's over.
- For the first time in my life, I feel that someone understand-- - Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Areyou ready in there, Mr. Simpson?
Areyousureyou're a fullyaccredited andbondedpornographer?
J ust come out.
- Please be kind. - You look fantastic.
Let me just adjust my lens here.
Now you're sure this will save my marriage?
Try not to speak. It's making your body ripple.
Hmm. [ Grunts, Groans ]
- [ Shudders ] - ??[Humming]
- [Bart] Dad? Dad, areyou home? - [Knocking]
[ Gasps, Grunts ]
[ Grunts, Groans ]
Fine! I don't care whatyou're doing!
[ Sighs, Screams ]
Don't look! Don't look! Don't look!
Okay, I think he's gone.
Let's reschedule.
This is so cool. I feel like I'm back in the Renaissance.
Please stay in character, gentle wench.
Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the sun...
and not t'otherway around.
Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus.
Forsooth. Mine eyes doth rove oftheir own accord.
Zounds! Someone took our gazebo!
No, no, that's impossible. We reserved it months ago.
Someone should stand up to them.
- Oh, dear. - Hmm.
I'll do it.
Excuse me, gentlemen. Might I take a peak atyour gazebo reservation form?
- Beat it! - [ Chuckles ] Yes, well, we each have a good case.
What part of"beat it" didn'tyou understand?
Hmm, I guess it would be the "it."
I'm not exactly sure to what that refers. It's-- Ow!
Oh, it's hopeless. There are some she-males in gazebo three...
a nasty looking spider in gazebo six...
and the less said about gazebo eight, the better.
Ah, Chief, thank God you're here.
We reserved gazebo seven, and look.
Geez. How many gazebos do you she-males need?
Beer me, boys.
Why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power...
and the stupidest run everything?
- Maybe I should just move back to Alabama. - No.
We should fix things here. Ifwe put our minds to it, there's no limit to what we can accomplish.
- I think the girl's right. - Good point.
- Thejig is up, Quimby. - Oh, God!
When you seewhat's in this report, things are going to change in this town.
- I earned that lotto money. I swear. - [ Buzzing ]
- Hyah! - [ Horse Neighs ]
Faster, you moron.
[ Neighs ]
Oh. Well, that was unexpected.
- [ Guns Cocking ] - What's going on? Where's the mayor?
- He skipped town. - Really?
So, who's in charge?
Well, that's a good question. Let's, uh, take a quick look at the town charter.
- [ All ] Done. - Finished.
According to the charter, "should the mayor abdicate...
a council oflearned citizens may rule in his stead."
Well, there's no one more learned than us.
So, I guess... we're in charge.
What! Let me see that.
Let's see here. "We the people," "cruel and unusual," blah, blah, blah.
"Ritual circumcision," yak, yak, yak.
Ah, geez, I'll takeyourword for it.
- I guess you are in charge. - [ Cheering ]
With our superior intellects...
we could rebuild this city on a foundation of reason and enlightenment.
We could turn Springfield into a utopia.
- A new Athens. - OrWalden Two.
Yeah, a real Candy Land!
Ofthe mind. The mind.
I'll just go now. Bunch of dorks.
This is Kent Brockman at CityHall...
where the intellectual junta known as the "Bright Pack"...
has been running this town for the better part of three days.
[ Chattering ]
So, Lisa, what doyou and your fellow eggheads have planned for the city?
- Business as usual? - No, Kent.
We're gonna use the power of good ideas to change things for the better.
Well, excuse this jaded reporter ifhe says he's heard that before.
- Oh, well, we really mean it. - [ Gasps ] You do?
Yes. For example, no one was showing up forjury duty.
So we made the experience more exciting...
by synergizing it with his comic book collection.
"You have been chosen to join theJustice Squadron...
8:00 a.m. Monday at the Municipal Fortress ofVengeance."
Oh, I am so there.
We studied traffic patterns and found that...
drivers move the fastest through yellow lights.
So now, we just have the red and yellow lights. [ Chuckles ]
Come on. Stayyellow. Stayyellow!
Man, I'm making record time, if only I had someplace to be.
And we've really elevated the level of discourse at the dog track.
We replaced the fanfare with classical music.
And instead ofchasing a rabbit, the dogs chase a diploma.
[ Barki ng ]
The world has al ready taken note of our accom pl ishments.
Springfield has moved up to number 299...
on the list of America's 300 most livable cities.
Take that, East St. Louis.
Gee. You said you were gonna make me look sexier, but it's awfully dark in here.
Light is notyour friend. All right, let's do this thing.
- ??[Dance Rock] - It's time to get Homer-erotic!
- [ Shudders ] - [Camera ShutterClicking]
Okay, next item ofbusiness is our weeklyprogress report.
Principal Skinner, how's your transportation project coming?
Oh, excellent. Not only are the trains now running on time...
they're running on metric time.
Remember this moment, people-- 80 past 2:00 on April 47th.
It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield.
Excellent. Now, next week is our state ofthe city address.
Has everyone finalized their proposals?
Well, first of all, I have a plan to eliminate obesity... in females.
Oh, please. For a nickel a person tax increase...
we could build a theater for shadow puppets.
- Balinese orThai? - Why not both? Then everybody's happy.
Oh, yeah. Everyone's real happy then!
Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
Are you kidding me? This baby is offthe charts. [ Chuckles ]
- Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a real useful invention. - [Beeping Rapidly]
[ All Arguing ]
[Homer] Marge. Oh, Marge.
I've got something foryou.
- Oh, Homie. - Houston, we have a problem.
A sexy problem.
Homie. Well, look at you.
[ Growling] I'm gonna maulyou.
Homer, I've never seen this side ofyou.
But I like it.
Whoo, whoa. Look at those silk pillows.
It's like the set of some high-class porno film.
No, no. It's just our basement.
[ Groans ] Hold on! Wait.
That's our basement?
Yeah. So? Come on. More kissing.
It looks so elegant. And all it takes are some lace curtains and a beaded lampshade.
You've got to show me exactlywhatyou did.
- But I was gonna score. - No, you weren't.
Welcome, everyone! Today, we embark...
on a new era of intelligent governance.
[ Chanting ] Governance! Governance!
- Governance! - [ Microphone Feeds Back]
[ Clears Throat ] We have some new rules and regulations...
that you're gonna just go ape poopy over.
- Professor Frink. - [ Clears Throat ] Well, first of all...
we're going to ban such barbaric sports as bullfighting and cockfighting.
[ Cheering ]
Also, boxing, both kick and the kind with the gloves.
- [ Woman ] Good! - And hockey, football, push-ups...
and anything in general whereyou have to take offyour shirt, which is embarrassing.
- [ All Murmuring Disagreement ] - I don't remember discussing that.
Inspired bythe most logical race in the galaxy, theVulcans...
breeding will be permitted once every seven years.
- [ All Gasp ] - Formanyofyou, this will mean much less breeding.
For me, much, much more.
Ya cannot do that, sir! Ya don't have the power!
Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize.
This man does not speak for the Council of Alphas.
We hold you subomeguloids in the highest regard.
When are we gonna get to my broccoli juice program?
Quit butting in, please. Your I.Q. is a mere 1 55...
while mine is a muscular 1 70.
[ Singsongy] I am smart.
Much smarterthan you, Hibbert!
You should all dowhat I say. My I.Q. is 1 99, for crying out glavin.
[ Groans ] 1 98. 1 97.
[Computerized Voice ] Big deal. Myl.Q. is 280.
[ All Gasp ]
[ Together] Stephen Hawking!
- The world's smartest man! - What are you doing here?
[ Computerized Voice ] I wanted to see your utopia.
But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.
- I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- - Silence.
I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box.
You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame!
Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!
[ All Shouting Agreement ]
I don't know which is a bigger disappointment--
myfailure to formulate a unifiedfield theory, oryou.
I don't like your tone.
Ifyou are looking for trouble, you found it.
Yeah, just try me, you-- [ Screams ]
- [ All Cheering ] - Now's our opening!
Come on, you idiots! We're taking back this town!
Yeah! Let's make litter out ofthese literati!
That's too clever. You're one ofthem!
[ All Shouting ]
Please stay calm everyone.
[ Screams ]
Time for this Hawk to fly.
Wrong button.
[ Lisa ] Help!
Lisa, thank God you're okay.
- Did you have fun with your robot buddy? - Dad!
Oh, Dr. Hawking, we had such a beautiful dream. What went wrong?
Don't feel bad, Lisa.
Sometimes the smartest of us can be the most childish.
- Even you? - No, not me. Never.
I guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world.
Wow, Mom, that's very profound.
Hey, you read that off my screen.
- Who's up for some beers? - I am!
That's the smartest thing I've heard all day.
Your theory of a doughnut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer.
I may have to steal it.
Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of...
is hanging out with a guy like me.
All right, it's closing time. Who's paying the tab?
- [Homer, Monotone ] I am. - I didn't say that.
Yes, I did. D'oh.
- Shh! - [Homer] LarryFlynt is right! You guys stink!