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"Gone Maggie Gone"
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For centuries, man has been
ruled by science and industry,
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but that era is drawing to a close.
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We stand on the cusp of a new epoch.
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One of prophecy, puzzles,
and signs in the sky.
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And that epoch begins today.
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Our top story: Today, Springfield will
experience a rare total eclipse of the sun.
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A solar eclipse is like a woman
breast-feeding in a restaurant.
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It's free, it's beautiful, but under
no circumstances should you look at it.
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We recommend using
a home-made camera-obscurer
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fashioned from an ordinary
shoebox and paper towel tube.
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This was supposed to be pre-made.
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Fine, I'll do it myself.
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Where is the end of the friggin' tape?
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Forget it! We'll do it next week!
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The eclipse is today.
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There's an eclipse
when I say there's an eclipse!
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Okay, people. We've hit penumbra.
Brace yourself for umbra!
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I'm gonna see it first!
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No! I'm gonna see it first!
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Hit the road, you big load!
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My space toy!
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It's okay, Homie. You can have my viewer.
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But Mom, you'll miss the eclipse!
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There'll be another one
in North Yemen in 2027.
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We have totality, people!
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Wow.
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We'll be talking about this
together for years.
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For years.
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I finally feel like part of a family.
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I can't miss out!
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Just one little peek. It's beautiful.
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Now, Marge, your eyes must stay
completely covered for two full weeks.
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Don't worry, honey.
I'll be your seeing-eye Homer.
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We're in some kind of doctor room,
bunch of stuff on the walls.
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It's kinda hard to describe.
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I'm gonna take my break now.
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Now Simpsons, I must warn you.
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Any stress could increase
the blood pressure in Marge's eyeballs,
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leading to what we call Tex Avery Syndrome.
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Wolves are taking all our women!
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You guys have treated me like a princess!
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Everyday's been like
the first ten minutes of Mother's Day.
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You just rest those rods
and coddle those cones.
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Everything's taken care of.
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Dad, come in the kitchen quick.
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Is there any other way to enter a kitchen?
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Rats in the kitchen! Just like that
delightful movie I taped in the theatre.
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He's controlling me with my hair!
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Using me to cook a delicious
sole meunière with a celery root purée,
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And carrots vichy.
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This is good.
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Good, but not great.
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I'll go get some rat poison.
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Here you go. This'll kill those
dirty rats, and the clean ones, too.
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That's not candy, sweetheart.
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What is it with kids
and candy-colored poison, huh?
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No, you stupid dog! That's Maggie's bunny!
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Not in front of the poison man.
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Whoever is biting me, stop it!
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Why did I bring the baby
and the dog to the poison store?
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How am I gonna get us all across this river?
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A boat!
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We're too heavy.
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Let's see. I need to get the baby,
the dog and the poison across the river,
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but I can only take one thing at a time.
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I can't leave
the baby alone with the poison,
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and I can't leave
the dog alone with the baby.
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Can't someone help me with this puzzle?
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Professor Frink, help me figure this out!
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Yo, over here!
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Great time to nap, Einstein!
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Okay. Maggie, dog, poison.
You're all involved, so listen up.
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First, I row Maggie over,
leaving the dog and the poison.
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Then I row back alone,
take the poison over, and bring Maggie back.
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Then I take the dog over,
come back, get Maggie,
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row across, and before I know it,
I'm back at home.
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Were you listening at all?
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Sir, I'd be obliged to you if you'd help me
puzzle out my fox, duck and corn situation.
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Well, the puzzle done puzzled itself out.
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Now I need to leave you
where you'll be safe.
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Under the watchful eyes of God.
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And I'll be watching you too in case God's
busy making tornadoes or not existing.
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I see you!
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I see you!
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I see--
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Look at that.
One of God's discarded miracles.
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Catholics!
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Give me my baby back!
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Sir, our mission is quite clear!
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"Any child left here will be
cared for by the sisters of St. Teresa."
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Why would you leave such
a beautiful baby on our doorstep?
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'Cos she was fighting my dog,
and stealing my poison.
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Now give her back so I can
take her home to my rat-infested house!
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No! The poor dear is right
where she belongs!
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Come on, lady. Have a heart!
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I'm sure your husband
does stupid things sometimes.
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I'm married to Jesus!
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Yeah, right.
And I'm married to Wonder Woman!
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Kids, I have to tell your mom I lost Maggie.
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But Dr. Hibbert said not to stress her out.
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Wait, I have an idea.
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One of us can go undercover
as a nun, and infiltrate the convent.
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Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
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There is no way Homer Simpson's
gonna put on a dress, and act like a nun.
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Told you there was no way I would do it.
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Are you sure you don't want me to do it?
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'Cos I can do it.
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I got the outfit right here.
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Dad, leave so I can get into character.
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Hello. I'm a poor little sinner
who's lost her way.
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May I join your order?
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How do you feel about kneeling?
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Can't get enough.
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You're in.
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Finally, you must wear
your habit modestly at all times.
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Not like Sister Marilyn.
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The nursery.
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If you're happy and you know it
That's a sin
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If you're happy and you know it
That's a sin
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Where's Maggie?
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Mother Superior, are those
all the babies in our orphanage?
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Looking for more unwanted babies, are you?
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Well next week's nine months after the prom.
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They'll be stacked up to the ceiling.
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No, I was just thinking you might have
some in the back you haven't put out yet.
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Oh, a Doubting Thomas, are you?
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Well, more of a Curious George.
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Well, little monkey,
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it's time for you to spend some time
with the man in the yellow hat.
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Why would Mother Superior
lie to me about not having Maggie?
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What is going on?
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A jewel. Why would nuns want a jewel?
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Find the jewel. Find what you desire.
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The jewel'll lead me to my baby sister?
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Why are you telling me this?
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Because I'm sick of that Mother Superior.
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Whenever we play football,
she has to be quarterback.
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00:09:09,353 --> 00:09:12,994
Now, you must solve a series of clues.
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You mean an increasingly difficult series
of challenges to my intellect?
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That's so cool.
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Plus, you'll find your sister.
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Oh, sure.
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Your first clue.
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And before you decide to become
a nun, consider this: I am only 23!
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"Quaerite deum in corde et anima."
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That's Latin!
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Deum is God. And of course
quaerite means seek.
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"Seek God with heart and soul."
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Heart and Soul!
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I fell in love with you heart and soul
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Homie, I haven't held Maggie all day.
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Can you hand her to me?
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No problem, sweetie.
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Mommy's little baby
is getting big and chubby.
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Who's a chubby baby?
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But that doesn't mean
you can't have a little dinner.
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You're not usually this greedy.
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Cool it, she's getting suspicious.
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You cool it! I'm hungry!
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Cryptic message.
Maybe this will lead me to the gem.
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What if I read every other word?
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"One more time. Your hopeless.
Try again. Numb skull!"
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That's not very nice.
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I will try again,
but not because the wall told me to.
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"Turn around.
Seek Springfield's biggest man-made ring."
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Big ring. Big ring.
168
00:11:47,271 --> 00:11:51,836
So many rings. But which one
is the key to finding the gem?
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00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,411
Well? Did you get it?
170
00:11:59,446 --> 00:12:03,267
No. I'm not a smart nerd.
I'm just a weak nerd.
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00:12:03,302 --> 00:12:09,632
The biggest ring in Springfield comes
from the bell in the Springfield Bell Tower.
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Good night, Bart. I'll be right in, Lisa.
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Good night, Lisa.
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Good night!
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Jazz!
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Keep going, and I'll...
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00:12:59,156 --> 00:13:01,544
Principal Skinner? Comic Book Guy?
178
00:13:01,579 --> 00:13:02,493
What are you doing here?
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Following you.
We seek the gem of St. Teresa.
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Well I seek it so I can find my sister.
181
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How do you know about the gem?
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00:13:10,797 --> 00:13:13,333
We are an ancient order of mystery buffs
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who hide in shadow, and call
ourselves the Brethren of the Quest.
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00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:20,845
Because we do our sleuthing
in Mother's Nissan Quest minivan.
185
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,723
Tell me all you know about the gem.
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Never.
187
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Does your mother know
you're using her minivan?
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00:13:25,937 --> 00:13:27,830
You see, legend has it that on her deathbed,
189
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St. Teresa of Avila had a vision of a jewel
190
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that would usher in
an era of peace and harmony.
191
00:13:34,072 --> 00:13:38,492
She dispatched a team of nuns
to the new world to seek this fabulous gem.
192
00:13:50,470 --> 00:13:52,573
They landed at what is now Philadelphia.
193
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And used the timbers of their ship
to construct a convent.
194
00:14:02,985 --> 00:14:06,534
The order flourished,
never forgetting its sacred mission.
195
00:14:06,793 --> 00:14:08,801
But word about the gem got out.
196
00:14:09,750 --> 00:14:12,332
And a group of
high-ranking freemasons led by
197
00:14:12,367 --> 00:14:15,303
Benjamin Franklin, George Washington
and King George III
198
00:14:15,338 --> 00:14:20,077
staged a phoney War of Independence
to cover their search for the gem.
199
00:14:31,145 --> 00:14:34,356
Fleeing the violence,
the nuns of St. Teresa's left the colonies,
200
00:14:34,391 --> 00:14:36,194
and settled here in Springfield.
201
00:14:37,388 --> 00:14:40,613
Legend and Wikipedia have it
that the gem will be revealed
202
00:14:40,648 --> 00:14:43,756
during the first full moon
after a solar eclipse.
203
00:14:43,791 --> 00:14:44,861
That's tonight!
204
00:14:46,287 --> 00:14:50,145
One question remains: Why did you come here?
205
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:55,725
Because I cleverly deduce the answer
to Springfield's biggest ring. Voilà!
206
00:14:56,117 --> 00:15:01,194
Well, it gives me no pleasure to say,
your deduction was faulty!
207
00:15:03,927 --> 00:15:06,508
This is a fake papier-mâché bell.
208
00:15:06,543 --> 00:15:10,784
The real bell was melted down in
World War II to make Civil War chess sets.
209
00:15:10,819 --> 00:15:11,960
Four of which I own.
210
00:15:13,467 --> 00:15:17,476
Oh, my God! I know what
the biggest ring in Springfield is!
211
00:15:17,511 --> 00:15:19,946
It's been right in front of us
the whole time!
212
00:15:19,981 --> 00:15:21,764
Ah, yes, I see it.
213
00:15:22,316 --> 00:15:28,752
I see it too. Let's head that way.
We'll walk or drive to the obvious solution.
214
00:15:34,036 --> 00:15:35,677
Oh, the word ring.
215
00:15:43,369 --> 00:15:47,270
Well, well. If it isn't
the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.
216
00:15:47,305 --> 00:15:49,771
Mr. Burns? What are you doing here?
217
00:15:50,288 --> 00:15:52,180
I've known about the gem for years.
218
00:15:52,215 --> 00:15:56,069
You see, my dear girl, I joined
the freemasons before it was trendy.
219
00:15:56,104 --> 00:15:58,214
That's my eyeball on the dollar bill.
220
00:15:58,249 --> 00:15:59,431
That's also my pyramid.
221
00:15:59,466 --> 00:16:03,585
Hence I trailed you on your quest
accompanied by my faithful albino.
222
00:16:03,620 --> 00:16:06,493
I keep telling you I'm not an albino!
223
00:16:06,528 --> 00:16:08,321
I just use a lot of sun block.
224
00:16:08,356 --> 00:16:10,680
Then why do I give you
all the albino holidays off?
225
00:16:12,061 --> 00:16:14,159
Look! There's writing on the R!
226
00:16:14,194 --> 00:16:16,386
Oh, everything is writing
to you young people.
227
00:16:16,421 --> 00:16:17,980
From this angle, they're words!
228
00:16:18,706 --> 00:16:25,385
"Great crimes kill holy sage!"
229
00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:28,234
"Great crimes kill holy sage?"
The puzzle is solved.
230
00:16:28,269 --> 00:16:30,112
We must warn the holy sage at once.
231
00:16:30,147 --> 00:16:31,676
No, that's not it.
232
00:16:31,711 --> 00:16:35,472
A secret message this awkwardly
worded is always an anagram.
233
00:16:35,507 --> 00:16:40,338
Fine. Then you unscramble those letters
to spell out the location of the gem
234
00:16:40,373 --> 00:16:43,818
while you two dig your own graves.
235
00:16:48,018 --> 00:16:50,440
Superman, I have believed in you for years.
236
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:55,003
If you can hear me now, please come
help me dig this giant grave.
237
00:17:01,073 --> 00:17:05,703
So, the anagram spells,
"Regally, the rock gem is..."
238
00:17:08,082 --> 00:17:08,970
"Lisa?"
239
00:17:09,005 --> 00:17:11,990
So, the gem is inside you?
240
00:17:12,756 --> 00:17:14,849
Sir, stop! She is the gem.
241
00:17:15,581 --> 00:17:18,462
Of course. St. Teresa wouldn't be
interested in a mere bauble.
242
00:17:18,497 --> 00:17:20,931
Her greatest treasure
would be a pure young girl.
243
00:17:20,966 --> 00:17:22,963
You are pure, aren't you?
244
00:17:22,998 --> 00:17:24,414
Does kissing Milhouse count?
245
00:17:24,449 --> 00:17:25,850
No.
246
00:17:25,885 --> 00:17:30,237
It all adds up. I am the gem
that will bring world peace.
247
00:17:30,272 --> 00:17:34,911
How brilliant of God to remove
my scepticism by making me his chosen one!
248
00:17:34,946 --> 00:17:38,817
According to legend, the gem must be
brought to the convent by sunrise.
249
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,790
We could make it if we
took Mr. Burns' helicopter.
250
00:17:42,934 --> 00:17:44,607
I don't really want you people inside,
251
00:17:44,642 --> 00:17:46,220
but you could dangle from the skids.
252
00:17:46,255 --> 00:17:46,842
Deal.
253
00:17:48,177 --> 00:17:49,948
Feels good to help someone, doesn't it, sir?
254
00:17:49,983 --> 00:17:52,612
No, it feels weird.
255
00:17:56,521 --> 00:18:00,918
O Fortuna
256
00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:02,550
Look who's here!
257
00:18:04,770 --> 00:18:09,312
Velut luna
258
00:18:09,347 --> 00:18:11,641
Oh, fine, fine. Finish your song.
259
00:18:11,676 --> 00:18:15,116
I can be patient.
After all, I am the gem child.
260
00:18:15,236 --> 00:18:17,736
Hush, you foolish girl.
The gem is over there!
261
00:18:20,754 --> 00:18:26,062
Maggie? No, no, no. The solution was,
"Regally, the rock gem is Lisa."
262
00:18:26,097 --> 00:18:30,022
Oh, please. How many sentences
start with the word regally?
263
00:18:30,663 --> 00:18:31,340
This one?
264
00:18:31,375 --> 00:18:32,803
Oh, give me that.
265
00:18:36,952 --> 00:18:40,082
"It's really Maggie, Sherlock."
266
00:18:40,117 --> 00:18:41,552
You know, I have to point out that
267
00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:44,407
this only makes sense
if I get the wrong answer first.
268
00:18:44,442 --> 00:18:45,767
I said, hush!
269
00:18:49,124 --> 00:18:53,659
Now begins a new era of
peace and prosperity for Springfield.
270
00:19:10,072 --> 00:19:12,463
Come on, man!
That's the fifth call you've missed today!
271
00:19:12,498 --> 00:19:13,772
That's it! You're outta...
272
00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:20,707
Just set it to "massage".
273
00:19:24,092 --> 00:19:28,913
Something tells me the gem of St. Teresa
has been returned to its throne.
274
00:19:30,933 --> 00:19:35,103
Maggie, it's true. You are the gem child!
275
00:19:35,138 --> 00:19:39,242
Four centuries of patient sacrifice
has finally paid off.
276
00:19:39,362 --> 00:19:41,208
All is peace and harmony.
277
00:19:41,777 --> 00:19:43,861
Give me my baby back!
278
00:19:43,896 --> 00:19:46,250
Mom! How did you know Maggie was here?
279
00:19:46,285 --> 00:19:47,876
A mother knows.
280
00:19:50,552 --> 00:19:53,481
Maggie, you're coming home with me.
281
00:19:53,516 --> 00:19:56,064
Mom, wait! Maggie is the gem child.
282
00:19:56,099 --> 00:19:57,933
She's brought peace to our town,
283
00:19:57,968 --> 00:20:00,748
and reports of less road rage
in Shelbyville.
284
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:02,518
She has to stay here.
285
00:20:02,553 --> 00:20:08,018
Well, it would be nice if the
first thing I saw was a world at peace.
286
00:20:14,612 --> 00:20:18,016
You're even more beautiful
than I remembered.
287
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:21,762
I'm sorry, but I know God
would never ask a mother
288
00:20:21,797 --> 00:20:24,920
to sacrifice her child
for the good of the world.
289
00:20:26,196 --> 00:20:27,085
Again.
290
00:20:30,134 --> 00:20:32,911
Maybe I'm just being selfish. I don't know.
291
00:20:33,147 --> 00:20:36,138
No, Marge. You're the most
giving person I know.
292
00:20:36,181 --> 00:20:41,501
Besides, I gave them another gem child
to sit on their precious throne.
293
00:20:41,536 --> 00:20:44,531
Step aside, ladies. I'm bringing the peace.
294
00:20:58,328 --> 00:21:01,076
I'm so staying up pass my bedtime.