1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,916 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:14,968 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,393 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,526 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,909 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,420 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,458 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,178 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,641 --> 00:00:59,891 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,271 (tires screech) 11 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482 D'oh! 12 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,725 -Aah! -(tires screech) 13 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:29,416 {\an8}Forgot there was a physical today, huh? 14 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,176 {\an8}Yeah. 15 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,508 {\an8}Hey, Homer, can I borrow your underwear? 16 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,434 {\an8}Nah. 17 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,012 {\an8}This can't be right. 18 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,967 {\an8}This man has 104% body fat. 19 00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:40,267 {\an8}Hey, no eating in the tank. 20 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,140 {\an8}Go to hell. 21 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,147 {\an8}How was your day at work, dear? 22 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,559 {\an8}Oh, the usual-- Stand in front of this. 23 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:48,818 {\an8}Open that. Pull down this. 24 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,740 {\an8}Bend over. Spread apart that. 25 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,569 {\an8}Turn your head that way. Cough. 26 00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:53,954 {\an8}SMITHERS: Sir, I'm afraid 27 00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:55,490 {\an8}Homer Simpson is sterile. 28 00:01:55,573 --> 00:01:57,913 {\an8}-Who? -One of your cabbageheads from sector 7-G. 29 00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,502 {\an8}Take a look at this sperm sample from his recent physical. 30 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,248 {\an8}(snoring) 31 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,172 BURNS: Eww. 32 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,461 SMITHERS: Now, compare this with a normal sperm sample. 33 00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:12,415 BURNS: Hmm... Oh, yes. 34 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,087 I'm afraid radiation from the plant 35 00:02:14,175 --> 00:02:15,545 is the reason he's shooting blanks. 36 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:17,215 He could sue us for millions. 37 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,723 Mother of pearl. Call my lawyers! 38 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,476 BURNS: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. 39 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,229 I want your legal advice. 40 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:25,400 I even pay for it, 41 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,108 but to me, you're all vipers. 42 00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:29,358 You live on personal injury, you live on divorces. 43 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:32,440 You live on pain and misery! 44 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,067 But I'm rambling. 45 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,574 Anybody want any coffee? 46 00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:36,905 I'll have some coffee. 47 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,490 Want it black, don't you? 48 00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:39,905 Black like your heart. 49 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,413 It's so hard for me to listen to you. 50 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,584 I hate you all so much! 51 00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:46,334 I'm sorry. It's my problem. 52 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,166 I'll deal with it. Please continue. 53 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,841 If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum-- Say a couple thou, 54 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,840 he'll be so dazzled, 55 00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:54,922 he'll sign anything you shove under his nose. 56 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,798 Oh, brilliant. A cash settlement. 57 00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:00,846 I could have figured that out, you button-down maggot! 58 00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:02,470 -Do you have any cream? -Oh, yes, of course. 59 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:03,467 Where are my manners? 60 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,484 {\an8}MAN: Yeah, I used to be rich. 61 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:11,073 I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors. 62 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:13,819 Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down. 63 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,742 I said, "Look, I'll change the logo, 64 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,570 put Mickey's pants back on." 65 00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:19,905 (scoffs) Some guys you just can't reason with. 66 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:22,241 Well, I used to own a successful car company. 67 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:25,617 My strategy was giving them Japanese names. 68 00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:28,075 You guys ever drive a Tempura hatchback? 69 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,166 -Oh, yeah. -Sure. 70 00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,090 Yeah, I got hit by one of those. 71 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:34,799 Yeah, life was sweet. 72 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,971 Then I found out I had a long-lost half brother. 73 00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:42,102 -Homer? -Herb? 74 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,640 HERB: I let him design a car that would 75 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,563 make or break my company. 76 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,153 ANNOUNCER: Presenting the Homer. 77 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,019 (crowd gasping) 78 00:03:51,105 --> 00:03:52,015 (gulping) 79 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,030 I'm ruined! 80 00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:57,950 HERB: Forbes magazine called it: 81 00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:01,197 Little overblown, don't you think? 82 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:02,702 What about New Coke? 83 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:04,704 Hey! I invented that. 84 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:07,286 Yeah, but all that's in the past 85 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:10,712 because this is America, and in America, 86 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:14,132 you're never finished as long as you've got a brain in your head, 87 00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:17,302 because all a man really needs is an idea. 88 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:19,052 -Well, I'm licked. -Me too. 89 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:20,643 BART: And now, the next event 90 00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:21,928 in our living room olympics, 91 00:04:22,011 --> 00:04:24,351 the always controversial couch vault. 92 00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:26,390 I do this for Stainmaster Carpets, 93 00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:28,604 proud sponsor of the living room olympics. 94 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,691 What the hell are you two-- 95 00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:37,566 (screaming) 96 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:38,862 Oh, my couch! 97 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,735 The arms, the seat... 98 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,622 the dream is over. 99 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,079 All right, who did this? 100 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:45,868 We were just sitting on the couch quietly chatting 101 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,872 when we heard a creaking noise. 102 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,334 We leapt off just in time to see it collapse. 103 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:51,415 There, there, 104 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:54,039 you're safe now, little sister. 105 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:57,047 Well, why did this have to happen now during prime time 106 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,470 when TV's brightest stars come out to shine? 107 00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:02,889 Oh, good-bye, old girl. 108 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,719 We've had a lot of great memories. 109 00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,425 WOMAN: That's right. I shot J.R. 110 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,176 (gasping) 111 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,598 ANNOUNCER: Except for huge gaps in the western states, 112 00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:15,517 Hands Across America was a complete success. 113 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:21,356 ALL: ♪ Hands across America... ♪ 114 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,196 MAN: Well, I never thought I'd see it. 115 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,911 They're dancing on the Berlin Wall. 116 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:29,162 These live and lively lovers of liberation... 117 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:30,955 Boring. 118 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:34,039 MAN #1: Sorry I ruined your date, Sergeant Carter. 119 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:35,205 MAN #2: Pyle! 120 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,593 (chuckling) 121 00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:41,169 Well, friend, you're going back where you came from, 122 00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:43,427 the curb in front of Flanders's house. 123 00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:45,089 Now, let's see. 124 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,548 I need an idea. 125 00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:49,307 Idea... idea! 126 00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:51,100 What's the matter with me? 127 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,984 I used to have hundreds of ideas. 128 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,191 (baby crying) 129 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:55,980 WOMAN: What do you want? 130 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,694 I just changed your diaper. 131 00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:58,904 Are you hungry? 132 00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:00,193 Are you cold? 133 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:02,106 Do you want to go home? 134 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,525 Lady, you just gave me 135 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,953 the idea of a lifetime. 136 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:07,992 -How do I thank you? -Please don't hurt me. 137 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,116 Consider it done. 138 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,622 Hey, pal, I heard about the couch. 139 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,544 Yeah, you gonna be okay? 140 00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:16,923 Yeah. You know, my life just can't get any worse. 141 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,670 That's right. 142 00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:26,718 There's no way my life could possibly get any worse. 143 00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:31,681 SMITHERS: Simpson, report to Mr. Burns's office at once. 144 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:32,846 D'oh! 145 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:35,524 Is this the one with the lazy sperm? 146 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:36,813 Mm-hmm. 147 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,896 Ah, Simpson, you big, virile son of a gun, 148 00:06:39,982 --> 00:06:42,192 how would you like a check for $2,000? 149 00:06:42,276 --> 00:06:43,856 -Would I! -All you have to do 150 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:45,355 is sign this form. 151 00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:46,606 Wait a minute. 152 00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:49,367 I'm not signing anything until I read it 153 00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,540 or somebody gives me the gist of it. 154 00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:52,949 Ooh. All right. 155 00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:55,577 Well, it just explains that you've... 156 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,165 won-- Yes, that's it-- 157 00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,000 Won the first annual... 158 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,086 Montgomery Burns... 159 00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:05,051 uh... Award for... 160 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:09,183 Outstanding Achievement in the Field of... 161 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,562 Excellence. 162 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:13,218 Don't I get some kind of trophy? 163 00:07:13,307 --> 00:07:14,887 And a big award ceremony? 164 00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:21,476 {\an8}CHORUS: ♪ It's the First Annual Montgomery Burns ♪ 165 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:22,936 ♪ Award for... ♪ 166 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:27,414 ♪ Outstanding Achievement in... ♪ 167 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,872 ♪ The Field of... ♪ 168 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:34,500 ♪ Excellence ♪ 169 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,286 Yes. That was Bonita Dewolf 170 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:42,455 from the Springfield Nuclear Plant Soft-Shoe Society. 171 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:45,045 This award is the biggest farce I ever saw. 172 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,051 What about the Emmys? 173 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,592 I stand corrected. 174 00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:49,795 And now, to present the award 175 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:51,506 here's former heavyweight champion 176 00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,306 Smokin' Joe Frazier. 177 00:07:57,143 --> 00:08:00,063 Webster's Dictionary defines excellence 178 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:03,816 as "The quality or condition of being excellent." 179 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,230 And now the winner 180 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:08,648 of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award 181 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:12,408 for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. 182 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,452 Please, please, please, please... 183 00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:14,834 Dad, you know you won. 184 00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:15,871 Don't jinx it. 185 00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,873 The winner: Homer Simpson. 186 00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:20,746 Oh, my God! 187 00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,043 Woo-hoo! I win! 188 00:08:22,126 --> 00:08:23,536 (laughing) 189 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:26,633 Hey! 190 00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:28,424 MWah, mwah, mwah-- 191 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,678 (screaming) 192 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:30,639 (loud thump) 193 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:37,306 Keep those pickled eggs coming, Moe. 194 00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:39,601 You cleaned me out, Smokin' Joe. 195 00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:40,935 What's the matter, Homer? 196 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:41,940 Cummerbund too tight? 197 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,941 I miss my couch. 198 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,113 I know how you feel. You lost the couch. 199 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,112 I lost the heavyweight championship. 200 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,284 (scoffs) Heavyweight championship. 201 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,493 There's like three of those. 202 00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:53,532 That couch was one of a kind. 203 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,406 Homer, I know things are tough now, 204 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:56,993 but one day, you'll be walking along 205 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,828 and you'll see a piece of furniture 206 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,083 you can love just as much. 207 00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:02,745 Hey, Frazier, shut up! 208 00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:05,463 Barney, you been riding my back all night. 209 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,005 Oh, yeah? Care to step outside? 210 00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:08,969 Let's do it. 211 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:14,797 (punching and Barney screaming) 212 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:16,887 I think I'm going to take a walk. 213 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:21,273 All right! A peanut. (crunching) 214 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:24,482 I'm telling you, all a man needs is an idea, 215 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,324 and I've got an idea. 216 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,109 Then how come you're still a bum? 217 00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:30,242 All right. A man needs two things: 218 00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:33,609 An idea and money to get it off the ground. 219 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:36,078 Hello, what's this? 220 00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:39,078 (reading headline aloud) 221 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,371 Hmm. 222 00:09:43,457 --> 00:09:44,747 Any of you guys know 223 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,344 which freight goes to Springfield? 224 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:47,299 (train approaching) 225 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,625 Uh-uh. 226 00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:53,007 No. 227 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,262 No. 228 00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:55,553 That's the one! 229 00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:03,637 I feel so empty, so alone, so couchless. 230 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,268 (gasping) 231 00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:09,614 Wow! The Spinemelter 2000. 232 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,242 (loud vibrating) 233 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,320 Give me full power. 234 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:14,494 -But, sir... -Damn it! 235 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,412 I said full power. 236 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:21,575 (vibrations getting louder) 237 00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:24,922 (eerie, out-of-body music playing) 238 00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:41,136 LISA: Dad? Dad? 239 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,483 (voice quavering) I'll take it. 240 00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:48,061 This chair is $2,000. 241 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,897 We can buy a whole living room set for that. 242 00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:53,402 Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. 243 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,396 I tried to fill it with family, religion 244 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,028 community service, but those were dead ends. 245 00:10:58,115 --> 00:11:00,655 I think this chair is the answer. 246 00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,123 This money was a blessing. 247 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,753 We can't just spend it on some creature comfort. 248 00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:06,290 All right, we won't get the chair. 249 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:09,424 Now excuse me while I kiss the sky. 250 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,252 (loud vibrating) 251 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:13,087 Ahh... 252 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,391 Hmm... 253 00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:23,971 (chimes ringing melodically) 254 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,478 Yes? 255 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:27,809 Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong house. 256 00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,725 Oh-ho, that's where you're wrong, friend. 257 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,324 Aren't we in luck? Today's our tithe day, 258 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,980 and we've got ourselves a transient. 259 00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:37,358 Come in, my friend. Let us feed and bathe you. 260 00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:38,656 Hey, wait a minute. 261 00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:40,869 Dad, can I anoint the sores on his feet? 262 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,410 I think it's Mom's turn, son. 263 00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:43,993 Oh, no fair. 264 00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:45,748 Thanks for the suit. 265 00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:47,500 Well, if you ever want to spend the night, 266 00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,711 Maude and I can sleep on card tables. 267 00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,802 ♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪ 268 00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:56,168 ALL: ♪ Marching as to war... ♪ 269 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,127 (moans) They're singing again. 270 00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,507 Lousy neighbors. Wish I was deaf. 271 00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,854 (doorbell ringing) 272 00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:04,310 What am I gonna say? 273 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,680 This is the guy who ruined me. 274 00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:09,187 But on the other hand, he's family. 275 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:12,860 So many conflicting emotions. How to express them? 276 00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:14,320 Herb? 277 00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,779 BOTH: Uncky herb! 278 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:21,865 Bart! Lisa! 279 00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:23,949 I'm so glad to see you. 280 00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,704 You weren't so glad to see me. 281 00:12:25,786 --> 00:12:28,456 I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. 282 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:31,789 Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face. 283 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,126 Well, while you're a guest in my home, 284 00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:34,840 could you just kick me in the butt? 285 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,420 I'll try, but I'm not making any promises. 286 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:40,046 (gasps) Herb! How have you been? 287 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,804 I've been living in a cardboard box, 288 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:45,176 sleeping on grates, eating out of dumpsters. You? 289 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,644 Mmm, can't complain. 290 00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:48,484 Herb, let me give you the grand tour. 291 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,599 This is one of our many light switches. 292 00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:53,356 It functions in both the on and off mode. 293 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,649 On, off. On, off. 294 00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,363 Homer, he knows how to work a light switch. 295 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,243 Oh, yeah, right. 296 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,820 I don't know what's this switch does. 297 00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,695 (playing "Deck the Halls") 298 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,453 Mmm. This is really good, Marge. 299 00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:08,544 I got the recipe from the Utility Grade Beef Council. 300 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,161 They do good work. 301 00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:12,827 Uncky Herb, what advice would you give to a boy 302 00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:16,297 who will most likely become a bum like yourself? 303 00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:17,878 Discarded pizza boxes 304 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:20,303 are an inexpensive source of cheese. 305 00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:22,802 Lisa, aren't you happy to see me? 306 00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,635 Why didn't you write, Unky Herb? 307 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,390 Hey, if I wrote to you what was I supposed to say? 308 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,062 "Dear Lisa, last night 309 00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:30,060 I used a rat for a pillow thanks to your pop"? 310 00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:31,982 I see your point. 311 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:35,521 ♪ Whether you're driving near or far ♪ 312 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:38,026 ♪ Powell makes a pow-pow-powerful car ♪ 313 00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:39,778 (chuckles) 314 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:43,740 Maggie, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. 315 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,333 You're gonna make me rich again. 316 00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:50,038 Yes, you are. Yes, you are. 317 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,504 One, two, three... Ventnor Avenue. 318 00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,132 And while on Ventnor Avenue 319 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:57,919 you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel Lisa. 320 00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:58,963 A valet will be around shortly 321 00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:00,876 to park your thimble. 322 00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,715 Of course, there is the unpleasant matter of the bill. 323 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,051 Get to the point. 324 00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:07,045 1150 bones. 325 00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:09,307 (groaning) That's all I got. 326 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,350 Broke again, eh, Herb? Just like in real life. 327 00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:14,895 I guess you're just not much of a businessman. 328 00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,063 Oh... 329 00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:18,767 Maybe we should play another game. 330 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,278 {\an8}Why are we playing games when we got two grand in the bank? 331 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,820 {\an8}Remember when Dad won the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award 332 00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:26,704 {\an8}For Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence? 333 00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:28,412 Well, I think we should invest 334 00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:31,042 in a set of the "Great Books of Western Civilization." 335 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,040 Look at this ad from New Republic for Kids. 336 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:36,832 "Each month, a new classic will be delivered to our door." 337 00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:38,837 "'Paradise Regained,' Martin Chuzzlewit 338 00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:42,009 or Herman Melville's twin classics, 'Omoo" and 'Typee.'" 339 00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:44,969 Wait, Marge, didn't you want to spend that money on a vibrating chair? 340 00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:46,760 That was your idea. 341 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,764 I think we should get a machine gun. 342 00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:50,966 We could use it to hunt game, spell out things, 343 00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:52,266 or ring in the new year. 344 00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:53,559 Well, I really think 345 00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:55,692 we need to replace the washer and dryer. 346 00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:56,809 (loud rumbling) 347 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,266 (screeching meow) 348 00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:01,896 How would you like to spend $2,000 349 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:04,244 to give a broken man a second chance? 350 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,030 -Nah. -Hmm, wait, Herb, 351 00:15:06,113 --> 00:15:07,283 what are you talking about? 352 00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:08,374 Buh, buh, buh, buh-- Not here. 353 00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:10,029 Come into the dining room. 354 00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:12,447 I wanna give you a 20-minute presentation 355 00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,116 that will change the world. 356 00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:16,624 20 minutes? Oh... 357 00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:19,667 Okay, now before I tell you about my idea, 358 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,502 I'd like to show you this. 359 00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:29,392 It's drinking the water! 360 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:30,510 Take it easy, Homer. 361 00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:31,926 Now, this is an example 362 00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:35,144 of how one little idea, carefully marketed-- 363 00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,975 This is the greatest invention in the world. 364 00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,982 You'll make a million dollars. 365 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,694 No, Homer, that invention is out already. 366 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,685 I'm just using it as an example. 367 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:48,107 (chuckles) It's going back for more. 368 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,657 Oh... 369 00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,450 Homer, this is my invention. 370 00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,204 Now of course, with these blueprints, 371 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,786 you'll have to use your imagination. 372 00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:59,081 HOMER: Hmm? What the... 373 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:03,000 Hmm... 374 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,587 (laughing) 375 00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,223 It's a baby translator. 376 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:08,799 It measures the pitch, 377 00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:12,144 the frequency, and the urgency of a baby's cries. 378 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,971 Then it tells whoever's around, in plain English, 379 00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,887 exactly what the baby is trying to say. 380 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,687 Everything from "change me" 381 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:22,060 to "turn off that damn Raffi record." 382 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,647 Ooh! That's a very clever idea. 383 00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,863 All I need is a couple of thousand dollars 384 00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,154 to build a prototype. 385 00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:29,857 You'll have your money back 386 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,317 in 30 days, I swear. 387 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,987 I think we owe a debt to Uncky Herb. 388 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,655 He took us in to his home and Dad destroyed him. 389 00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:38,664 Dad, you know some shyster's gonna bilk you out of your money. 390 00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:40,367 It may as well be your brother. 391 00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:43,087 All right, Herb, I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks, 392 00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:46,088 but you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother. 393 00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:47,461 -No. -Okay, then 394 00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:48,838 just give me the drinking bird. 395 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,010 (Maggie babbling) 396 00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:54,845 Let's see, what could you be trying to say? 397 00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:58,060 -(baby talk) -Nothing downstairs. 398 00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,982 You just took a nap. 399 00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:01,230 (sucking) 400 00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:03,021 "I want to suck your nose." 401 00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:05,694 Hooga-booga, hooga-booga, hooga-booga. 402 00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:07,944 (baby talk) 403 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,237 "I'm scared." 404 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:10,319 Hmm... 405 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:12,074 the amplitude of the sine wave 406 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:13,866 is insufficient for "burp me," 407 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:16,699 {\an8}and this sawtooth formation is something I've nev-- 408 00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:17,695 {\an8}Blah! 409 00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:19,286 {\an8}Eureka. 410 00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,831 Now, I bet you're all wondering 411 00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:22,584 what lies under this sheet. 412 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,336 Not really. We peeked inside while you were in the john. 413 00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:26,379 Oh. 414 00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:28,632 Well, here it is again... 415 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,514 my baby translator. 416 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:34,683 Ooh! 417 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,102 Marge, you don't have to humor me. 418 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,510 Well, it's pretty ingrained. 419 00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,138 What do you think, Homer? 420 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,894 Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. 421 00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:44,767 I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it, 422 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,895 when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks. 423 00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:49,993 Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass? 424 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,199 I try, but I can't. 425 00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:53,819 (baby talk) 426 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,656 Lavish attention on me and entertain me. 427 00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,832 Oh, Maggie, you talked! 428 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,661 You see? It tells you exactly 429 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,326 what's on the baby's mind. 430 00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,254 Maggie. Maggie. 431 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,463 (baby talk) 432 00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:06,542 Where did you go? 433 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:07,537 Peek-a-boo! 434 00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:08,708 (baby talk) 435 00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:11,336 Oh, there you are. Very amusing. 436 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:13,053 Well, Homer, now what do you think? 437 00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:14,383 I don't know, Herb. 438 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,218 People are afraid of new things. 439 00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:17,893 You should have taken an existing product 440 00:18:17,971 --> 00:18:19,721 and put a clock in it or something. 441 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,227 Homer, every mother in the country 442 00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,018 is going to want one of these. 443 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,102 (baby talk) 444 00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:28,317 I have soiled myself. How embarrassing. 445 00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:32,358 I gave Herb all the money I had in the world, 446 00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:35,914 and he still treats me like something he dug out of his ear. 447 00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:38,579 Don't worry, he can't stay mad at you forever. 448 00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:39,739 He is your brother. 449 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,997 But when is he going to act like it? 450 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,470 This radio-controlled plane 451 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,430 gives your baby the chance to fly, 452 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,350 just like my son here. 453 00:18:58,428 --> 00:19:02,428 He can execute the barrel roll, the loop-de-loop, 454 00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:06,016 then bring it in for the perfect landing. Uh! 455 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,023 (crowd gasping) 456 00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:08,024 Oh, dear. 457 00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:09,725 My wife is going to kill me. 458 00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:14,362 (baby talk) 459 00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,284 I only want to eat candy. 460 00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,163 Then that's all you'll get. 461 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,830 (baby talk) 462 00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:21,288 This leash demeans us both. 463 00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:23,368 -I'll take two! -I'll take a dozen! 464 00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:25,623 I represent the Precious Baby discount stores. 465 00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,326 I'll take 50,000! 466 00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:28,916 I'm rich again! 467 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,421 U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 468 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:32,843 U.S.A.! 469 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,761 Homer, here's a check for $2,000. 470 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,682 But I also wanted to give you each a little something 471 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,350 for believing in me. 472 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,639 Lisa, this is the first volume 473 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,813 of "The Great Books of Western Civilization." 474 00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:46,522 You'll receive a new one every month, 475 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,942 from "Beowulf" to "Less than Zero". 476 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:52,151 Finally a copy of "Ethan Frome" to call my own. 477 00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,032 Now Bart, I know you're too young 478 00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,739 for that machine gun you wanted, 479 00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:57,069 but I'm gonna give you something 480 00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:58,664 that will make sure when you're old enough, 481 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,199 you can still buy one... 482 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,702 a membership in the National Rifle Association. 483 00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:05,504 Wow! The N.R.A.! 484 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:08,329 Can I get armor-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets too? 485 00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,375 It's in the Constitution, son. 486 00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:13,049 Maggie, who brought me my fortune, 487 00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:16,508 I'll give you anything you want in this world. 488 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:17,760 (baby talk) 489 00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:19,841 I want what the dog's eating. 490 00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:21,427 -D'oh! -I'll get you something nice. 491 00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:22,971 Now, Marge-- 492 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,595 Herb, I appreciate your generosity, 493 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:26,391 but I don't need any gift from you. 494 00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:27,725 You're too late, Marge. 495 00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:30,099 I got you a new washer and dryer, 496 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:32,147 and I sold the old ones for 50 bucks. 497 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,071 -(shouting and cheering) -Go, go go! 498 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:36,279 -(loud rumbling) -Come on, washer! 499 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,150 (cheering) 500 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,407 Oh, you stupid dryer! 501 00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,119 Herb, I don't think 502 00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:44,909 there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me. 503 00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:46,913 Homer, walk me to my car. 504 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,617 What do I get? What do I get? 505 00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:51,166 It's not another punch in the face, is it? 506 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,750 Because if it is, I don't want it. 507 00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,254 This is what you get, Homer. 508 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:55,956 I forgive you. 509 00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:58,376 You can call me brother, and I can do the same. 510 00:20:58,465 --> 00:21:01,295 -That's it? -That's it. 511 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,845 I see your point... brother. 512 00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:05,809 Give me a hug... brother. 513 00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:07,019 All right... 514 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,429 but I never really hugged a man before. 515 00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:14,653 (both chuckling) 516 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:16,781 Homer, I bought you the damn chair. 517 00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:19,068 (loud smacking) 518 00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:20,322 Come on, come on, come on. 519 00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:21,534 Go on, go on, that's enough. 520 00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:22,743 All right, get out of here. 521 00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:25,623 (loud vibrating) 522 00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:33,131 ♪♪ 523 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:35,939 Shh! 524 00:22:39,232 --> 00:22:41,942 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.