♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
ANNOUNCER: Live from Springfield Harbor,
where the sewage meets the sand...
(coughing and snorting)
It's "The Springfield Squares."
Now, Jacqueline, I believe it's your turn.
I'll take Rainier Wolfcastle to block.
Oh, Rainier Wolfcastle, star of "McBain"
and the upcoming film "Help, My Son is Nerd."
My son returns from a fancy east coast college
and I'm horrified to find he's a nerd.
Ha ha ha! I'm laughing already.
-It's not a comedy. -Oh.
Attention. This is the coast guard.
A 50-foot tidal wave is heading this way.
All game shows off the beach.
(yelling)
(screaming)
Everybody up here to my square.
It's safe and it's sexy. Oh, baby.
Hurry, Charlie.
There is not much time.
I ain't going nowhere.
I been in this square purt' near 30 seasons
and I ain't a-leaving now.
Aah!
He's dead now.
(laughing)
Did you see that?
-Yeah. -What's Gabbo?
I figure it's some guy's name.
Some guy named Gabbo.
Hmm.
I don't think they're giving you
enough information, Dad.
I'll figure it out.
I'm going to use all the power of my brain.
(flies buzzing)
Look, Smithers. Gah-bo is coming.
Ah, yes, sir.
Everyone is saying Gabbo this and Gabbo that,
but no one is saying worship this and Jericho that.
What's this about Gabbo?
I can't believe it--
Our first glimpse of Gabbo.
He'll tell us what to do.
(drum roll)
Hello. I'm Gabbo.
And I'm Arthur Crandall.
That's easy for you to say.
You don't have a hand up your tuchus.
Oy! Hey!
Oh, Gabbo, you'll say anything.
And you can watch us every afternoon at 4:00.
(gasps) That's the same time as Krusty the clown.
Uh-oh. That cute little character
could take America by storm.
All he needs is a hook.
I'm a bad wittle boy.
Ay, caramba!
(upbeat music plays)
♪ You're gonna like me ♪
♪ You're gonna love me ♪
♪ 'Cause I can do most anything ♪
♪ I can do the hully gully ♪
♪ I can imitate Vin Scully ♪
(imitating Vin Scully) Let's take time out from this triple play
to talk about Farmer Dan's pure pork sausages. Mm-mmm.
♪ I'll give out shiny dimes ♪
♪ I'll travel back in time ♪
♪ You're gonna like him ♪
♪ You're gonna love him ♪
♪ It's the greatest show ♪
♪ In town ♪
ALL: Gabbo!
Eh, that dummy doesn't scare me.
I've had plenty of guys come after me,
and I've buried them all--
Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop.
Don't forget the Special Olympics.
Oh, yeah.
I slaughtered the Special Olympics.
(chuckling)
Are those our ratings?
Let me see.
I lost to Channel Ocho?
What the hell is that?
Dos huevos, por favor.
Ai!
Oh, que lastima.
(laughs) I got to steal that bit.
This is boring.
I wonder what would happen
if you put your train on there.
BART & MILHOUSE: Cool.
Now let's throw some crud on it.
Hey, it's 4:00.
(fanfare plays)
So, you want ventriloquism, do you?
All right, watch this.
Hello, Alphonse. I've got a riddle for you.
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
I don't know. Why is a...
(screaming)
Hey, the dummy can't hurt you.
He's not even alive.
He's dead.
(screaming)
Oh.
All right. Here's the deal.
Every time you watch my show, I will send you $40.
MAN: Checks will not be honored.
QUIMBY: I admit I used the city treasury
to fund the murder of my enemies,
but as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad wittle boy."
(crowd cheering)
Well, kids,
this is where you would watch "Itchy & Scratchy,"
except they're on "The Gabbo Show" now.
So here's eastern Europe's favorite cat-and-mouse team--
"Worker and Parasite."
(goofy laughing)
(speaking European language)
What the hell was that?
Well, that's it.
We've been canceled.
I think we can be proud that we never did a bad show.
Except for that week
Ray Jay Johnson was my co-host.
♪ You can call me Ray ♪
♪ And you can call me Jay... ♪
Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds.
But the important thing is we're like a family.
-Krusty, I-- -Shut your hole!
(doorbell playing "Theme from the Tonight Show")
Krusty, how you holding up?
Well, I'm kind of worried about the future.
How do you deal with it?
Well, you've been on TV longer than I have.
I'm sure you've saved up quite a nest egg.
Uh, yeah.
Do they still buy human hair
down at the wig shop?
(grunting)
Krusty, you want to stay for dinner?
Nah, sorry.
Oh, that's too bad,
'cause tonight my guests will be Dr. Carl Sagan,
and from the San Diego Zoo, Joan Embree.
(drum roll)
Oh, Kyle, I just don't think
I fit in here at Melrose Place.
From now on, I'll be doing the thinking for both of us.
-(horn blows) -MAN: Next!
("Call to the Post" playing)
Come on, you stupid horse!
I got my last ten bucks on you.
No, don't look at me.
Run!
No, don't come over here.
(groans) Oh, boy.
And now it's time for another patented
Gabbo Crank Call.
Oh, I love these.
I can't believe it.
He stole this bit from Krusty.
Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
Oh, everything's stolen nowadays.
Why, the fax machine is nothing
but a waffle iron with a phone attached.
It's ringing.
Hello. Is this Krusty the clown?
KRUSTY: Is this the callback for that porno film?
Look, I was a little nervous that day, but I'm all man.
I can assure you.
No, I represent a Japanese camera company.
We'd like to pay you two million dollars
to do a camera commercial.
KRUSTY: Whoa! Me rikie vely much.
Oh, I hope I didn't offend you.
I need this bad.
Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone?
KRUSTY: Oh, you got it.
(Krusty yells)
Ooh, blood.
(laughter)
KRUSTY: What the-- Oh.
If this is anyone but Steve Allen,
you're stealing my bit.
Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career
the way he ruined Krusty's.
Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart.
-Yes, they do. -No, they don't.
-Yes, they do. -Dad!
Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.
Ah, Rex Morgan, M.D.
You have the prescription for the daily blues.
We'll be back after this commercial
for Gabbo Airlines.
And... cut.
That ought to hold the little S.O.B.s.
Gabbo, quiet.
Oh, I wouldn't want to offend the little S.O.B.s.
I wish you'd stop saying that.
Hmm.
(chuckling)
Hey, boy-o. What's so funny?
Well, it's--
Nah, you wouldn't be interested.
It's too low-brow.
No, I'm quite low-brow.
Well, somebody just wrote a bawdy limerick
on the men's room wall.
This I got to see!
All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.s.
Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV,
and that's my two cents.
That ought to hold those S.O.B.s.
What the--
(gasps)
Oh, no.
Krusty, are you making any money?
Nah. That guy's giving it away for free.
♪ The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be ♪
♪ Ain't what she used to be ♪
♪ Ain't what she used to be... ♪
(groans) 35 years in show business,
and already no one remembers me, just like...
what's his name and whoozits,
and, you know, that guy... always wore a shirt.
-Ed Sullivan? -Yeah.
I didn't know you knew Luke Perry.
Know him? He's my worthless half-brother.
He's a big TV star.
Yeah, on Fox.
Elizabeth Taylor.
Bette Midler.
Bette and I owned a racehorse together--
Krudler.
Hey, Bart, if we get all these big stars
to appear on a special with Krusty,
it might get his career going again.
Here's my address book.
Go get those stars.
It won't be easy,
but I'm going to claw my way back onto TV.
♪ The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be ♪
♪ Ain't what she used to be ♪
♪ Ain't what she used to be... ♪
ANNOUNCER: And now, the crazy old man singers.
CHORUS: ♪ The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be ♪
♪ Ain't what she used to be... ♪
Miss Midler, I can't believe
you do this all by yourself.
We're Americans. We deserve clean highways.
You pigs!
Oh, no.
Bette Midler.
(grunts)
(tires screeching)
(loud crash)
Now where were we?
We were asking you to appear
on Krusty's comeback special.
Okay. Tell Krusty he can count me in.
It's time to take out the trash.
MAN: I'll get you for this, Midler!
MAN: And off to your left
is Hugh Hefner's Shelbyville pad.
A lot of people know about the grotto
-and the game room. -Of course.
But few know about the laboratory-- The biosphere.
The alternative energy research center.
Fascinating.
Desalinization plant?
Yes. The grotto uses so much water.
The bunnies felt we should go this way.
Smart bunnies, Hef.
I can call you Hef, can't I?
No.
You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.
It does. We had 30,000 here last night.
Now play! The audience is getting restless.
We want Chili Willy. We want Chili Willy.
Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers,
would you guys like to appear
on a Krusty the clown special?
Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.
No problemo. Hey Moe, look over there!
What? What am I looking at?
I don't see nothing.
I'm gonna stop looking soon.
What? What, is that it?
Hey, Moe, can I look too?
Sure, but it will cost you.
My wallet's in the car.
He is so stupid.
And now back to the wall.
(humming)
Miss Taylor, a couple of grade school kids
wanted you to be on a Krusty special.
I told them to buzz off.
Good.
(humming)
(banging door)
Krusty, we've got great news.
BOTH: Ahhh!
(groaning)
Krusty, what have you done to yourself?
I thought I'd get into shape
so I've been drinking nothing but milk shakes.
-You mean those diet milkshakes? -Uh-oh.
Now you can stay with us
until you lose that weight.
You can sleep on the sofa.
It folds right out.
(groaning)
(grunting)
Oh, wait. That was the old sofa.
(cat screeching)
Oh, I'll never get my aim back.
You got to keep working on it.
Ahh!
(screaming)
Mmm... delicious.
Oh, why am I bothering?
It's hopeless.
Hi, kids. It's me. Gabbo.
(laughing)
(grunting)
Pork prices rose in early trading today.
(grunting)
But you've got to come back, Mel.
We're a team.
No, Krusty.
You always treated me rather shabbily.
On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants,
and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.
Oh, come on.
Do you want to waste your life
hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
Here's your taco, mister.
Whoops.
It fell in the fryer.
I'll get it out.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Sorry, Krusty, I like it here.
Mr. Johanssen treats me with dignity.
Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
That's all right, Mr. Johanssen.
I'll handle it.
Here's your taco, sir.
I don't want it.
But this comes out of my salary.
If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.
MAN: Okay, Krusty, let's rehearse the balloon bit.
Look, kids!
A horsey!
And what are you making, Sideshow Luke Perry?
A 19th century carousel.
(yelling) Upstage me, will you!
Get the hell out!
Look, there must be something I can do on the show.
Please, for Mom's sake.
Well, maybe we can find something.
(screaming)
(evil laughing)
I don't like it.
He's got Johnny Carson, Bette Midler,
and Hugh Hefner.
What do we got?
Ray Jay Johnson.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Now boys, the network has a problem
with some of your lyrics.
Would you mind changing them for the show?
Forget you, clown.
Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man.
No way.
Well, okay. But here where you say,
"What I got you got to get and put it in you."
How about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you."
Wow. That's much better.
Everyone can enjoy that.
ANNOUNCER: Live from Springfield,
the entertainment capital of this state,
the Krusty Komeback special.
♪ Send in... ♪
♪ The clowns ♪
♪ Those daffy, laughy clowns ♪
♪ Send in those soulful and doleful ♪
♪ Schmaltz-by-the-bowlful clowns ♪
♪ Send in the clowns... ♪
(sobbing)
♪ They're already ♪
♪ Here ♪
(audience applauding)
I love you, Krusty.
Quiet.
(drum roll)
Are you comfortable in there, Luke Perry?
Fire away, Krusty.
(loud blast)
(Luke yelling)
(loud crashing)
LUKE: Ow, my face! My valuable face!
Hmph.
(sighs)
-(explosion) -(Luke yelling)
(chuckling nervously)
Ay...
♪ Give it away, give it away, give it away now ♪
♪ Give it away, give it away give it away now ♪
♪ I can't tell if I'm a kingpin or a pauper ♪
Dancing around in their underwear.
That is so degrading.
30 seconds till your Little Stinker sketch.
Give me a bigger lolly.
Now, Johnny, what do you got for us?
Some jokes? A little magic?
Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987
Buick Skylark over my head.
Hi-yo!
Johnny, that's amazing.
Oh, yeah? Get a load of this.
(singing aria from "Carmen")
(playing music from "Amahl and The Night Visitors")
I've got to fire that agent.
(piano striking up)
♪ Did you ever know that you're my hero? ♪
♪ You're everything I would like to be ♪
♪ You can fly higher than an eagle ♪
-♪ 'Cause you are the wind ♪ -♪ 'Cause I am the wind
-♪ Beneath my wings ♪ -♪ Beneath your wings ♪
(sobbing)
This was a great show, Krusty.
You deserve an Emmy for this.
Forget it.
The academy hates me.
I don't know why.
Bunch of old know-nothing dinosaurs
wouldn't know entertainment if it bit them in the--
Hey, hey!
(people chattering)
(bell clanging)
(buzzing)
Now, Krusty, I just hope you remember
to save your money this time.
Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty.
(crying)
Ay...
-What's up, Moe? -Hey, Moe.
-Hey, Moe!
Hey. You can't come in here dressed like that.
Get with the times, Moe.
Yeah. I say if it feels good, do it.
All right.
(laughing)
Don't snap my undies.
I'm a star again.
I don't know how to thank you, kids.
That's all right, Krusty.
We're getting 50 percent of the t-shirt sales.
What?!
That's the sweetest plum!
You little...
Ahh... what the hell.
You deserve it.
Thanks, kids.
To Krusty--
The greatest entertainer in the world.
Except maybe that guy.
(playing "Good Night, Ladies")
Is this the bus to the civic center?
(playing theme from "The Simpsons")
♪♪
Shh.
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.