The Simpsons 20x01 Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes
Timing/Texts NnS08
Whoo-hoo. St. Patrick's Day. I love how they made the river green.
Actually my nuclear plant did that.
And now, that you know, your life is in danger.
Greetings fellow Irishman, and lady Irishman.
I, Joseph Fitzgerald, O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donald The Edge Quimby.
Welcome you to Springfield's first booze-free St. Patrick's Day.
Come on people.
Your drunken Shenanigans destroy the town every year.
And Ireland is so much more than the imbibing of spirits -
The Irish gave the world the paddywagon, the shamrock shake,
And folk dancing, where you don't move your arms.
Where is the IRA, when you need them?
We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb.
In the old days we would've been all over that.
Oh no. The Northern Irish are also having a parade.
Two kinds of Irish people?
What are they fighting over? Who gets to sleep in the bathtub?
Actually those prots and caths these have hated each others for centuries.
It always comes down to transubstantiation versus consubstantiation.
Stop it! Both of you!
You have a common land, a literature, and the sweetest songs on earth.
* Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral *
* hush my little baby, hush now, don't you cry! *
Oh no! Without the booze these guys all remember
how much they hate each other.
This was such a pleasent St. Patrick's Day till the Irish people showed up.
They took my cupcakes.
All right you unwanted miracles.
Give back the ladies cupcakes, you don't have the teeth for it.
Oy, but we could gum the frosting.
Well if it's good gummin' you're after,
why don't you rather have this lovely cabbage?
Here you go, ma'am.
Thank you so much, mister...
Patrick Fairley, at your service.
Marge Simpson. Well, Mr. Fairley,
the least I could do is offer you a cupcake.
Light, moist, and such a marvelous shape retention.
Marge, I own a small bakery.
Will you bake for me?
Me? A professional baker's employee?
Imagine how different my life would be!
Here we are at school, kids.
Hey what are those boxes in the back?
- Cakes. - See you.
- I'll do it. - Bless your heart you won't regret it.
I already don't. Homer! I've got great news.
I'll use my one phone call to find out all about it.
Mulk requests change of venue.
Green monster cannot get fair trial in downtown Springfield.
Granted.
Homer Simpson. You're a repeat offender.
Threepeat.
Bail is set at 25.000 dollars.
I make that in a year.
I suggest you see a bail bondsman.
Ok, Simpson. All your information checks out.
I called your boss to verify your employment
and he says you're fired for getting arrested.
You'd be amazed, how offen that happens.
We'll put up your bail money
just pay us 10% and show up for your court date.
And if I don't show up?
Then you gotta deal with me.
The name's Wolf and I'm a bounty hunter.
If someone skips bail, I track 'em down, and bring 'em back.
I also take a tooth, make a plastic cast, put it on this necklace
then replace the tooth at my expense.
Well, time to go back to my world of sleezy bars, tattoo parlors and greasy spoons.
What a great job! And I could use a job right now.
Whoa. Not just anyone can be a bounty hunter!
You have to pass an online exam. No wait, I got rid of that.
There is a 10 dollars filing fee, but you can get around it.
Congratulations, you're now a bounty hunter.
Ok, I've set my trap.
Now to scatter my cheese cubes, and the rats will come.
Condos! Affordable condos! Bailjumpers welcome!
Bailjumpers welcome?
That's refreshing after the cold shoulder we got at the townhomes at sterling point.
Let's not get too excited till we find out if it's in a good school district.
So wait, are we telling people now?
Stop! In the name of a private citizen
with no connection to the law!
Now, are you gonna come quietly, or do I have to...
Now let's take about this:
If you shoot me I won't be able to stop you
and you'll be free to go.
But someone may come after you.
Probably not, given your reputation for shooting people who come after you.
What I'm trying to say is not shooting me now
would be the biggest mistake of your life.
- Bulletproof glass. - Flanders?
Yep, I'm just replacing the front window at my store,
which was broken in the riot.
Young man, what would your mother say,
if she knew you are shooting nice people in the brain?
She'd say that year off from Princeton was the worst decision, I've ever made.
Well, son if you take responsibility for you actions,
this could be the start of a better life for you.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should...
This case is in the bag.
- Homer you could've killed him. - I sure could've, thanks to you.
Now I can clearly see potential customers
walk right past my store.
Enjoy you shopping elsewhere!
Hey Ned, I've brought you something.
What the...?
It's you share of the money for bringing in that bailjumper.
And I never thought I'd say this, but
we make a great team.
Us? A team?
As the salad said to the soup: I'm all mixed up.
We should be bounty hunters together.
You're kind and smart, I'm cruel and strong.
Together, we're nothing.
But together we're the perfect bounty hunter.
Well I could use money.
You have to promise me something, Homer.
Sure. What is it?
We have to do everything by the book.
And you have to promise no didleys or doodleys.
My friend, you have a deal-aroney.
D'oh!
Oh, Marge!
Your talent with cakes is a rare and precious thing.
Well, thanks. But I've been wondering.
Why do you only have me make spheres, rods and half-moon shapes
Well, Marge, I'll tell you...
...right after I talked to these customers.
We're going to a bachelorette party for a really naughty girl.
Yeah. We need something tasty and tasteless.
I've got just the thing. Courtesy of my newest baker.
Freshly frosted ass-cake.
Oh my god! This is an erotic bakery.
Delicious.
Now, what do you have in the way of a suggestive cannoli?
We have quite a selection.
- Oh boy. - I'll leave you with the book.
How could you not tell me? This is an erotic bakery?
Marge, calm down!
For as long as there's been baking, there's been erotic baking.
It fills a need, and harms no one.
Harms no one? Explain that to...
Well what about... I think you forgot about...
My Nr.1 customers are married couples.
Your friends and neighbors.
I just made a custom order for the Hibberts.
It's an exact replica of the good doctors...
- I don't wanna know! - It's not what you think it is.
Good.
It's his penis.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Marge, this is a valuable public service.
Without your baking, people like me would be
forced into backalleys repurposing ding dongs.
You have a great gift. Don't let it go to waste!
Well, okay.
This taser is awesome. Finally a practical use for electricity.
Dear Lord, thank you for creating
so many evil criminals for us to bring in.
And also thank you for my partner, Homer, who...
Did you just taser my coffee?
Just warming it up.
Now I'll melt the cheese in this croissant.
And get rid of a little extra earwax.
And smoke a relaxing cigar.
Homer, could we take it easy on the taser?
No problem.
- Our first bailjumper. - Let's roll.
Homer, take the taser out of your pants!
No, it looks cool.
- Who's there? - Bible salesman.
Daddy's home!
I brought you kids some stuff from work!
There you go, son. Shell casings!
Wow! There's still bullets in some of these.
Point them away from your sisters, when you hammer them.
Yes, sir!
What'd you get for me?
Something for the sweetest little scientist in the world.
A new chemistry set!
- Dad, is this from a meth lab? - The biggest one in town!
- This is evidence. - Evidence, that I love my little girl.
Marge, I brought you some flowers. A full dozen this time, no tricks.
Oh, Homie. I got you something too.
A sterling silver picture frame with pictures of our kids in it.
Yes, for now.
I guess things are working out pretty good at your bakery job.
Maybe with could order one of your cakes for Lisa's birthday.
How dare you!
What'd you do that for?
Sorry, sorry! Muscle spasm.
I'm not convinced. Still on the fence.
Now, I believe you.
He'll be here sooner or later.
So how about a little stakeout music?
Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.
- Well, I like ACDC. - I like the christian cover band ADBC.
* Kindly deeds done for free. *
- I've never seen anyone eat pizza like that. - You gotta try it.
This way the pepperoni stay intact till they reach you stomach.
And, bam!
Man, that's harder to swallow than evolution.
You've gotta roll it from the point. Here, let me show you.
- Not bad. - Let it unfurl in your stomach.
There he is!
Oh, kitten whiskers!
There's one thing he didn't count on. My reckless indifference to human life.
Lord in your mercy, could you give my friend a stroke?
Seimour, those string beans were cooked to perfection.
After twenty years, I'm finally starting to like you.
Just wait for desert Sir, I made it with you on mind.
Outstanding. I'll just shut my eyes, and let you place it before me.
Seimour, what's going on? I'm coming down there!
Quick, we'll have to eat from each end.
We'll know we're safe, when our lips meet in the middle.
Homer, you can't drive a car onto a subway, you need a special sticker just to bring a bike.
- Have you no respect for the law? - Hey it worked, didn't it?
Ok, smart guy, you're going in the bag.
Wait, I left a sandwich in there.
Homer, no! You promised, everything was supposed to be by the book.
You know what your problem is? You haven't become as bad as the people we chase.
- This partnership is over! - I'll tell you, what's over!
This partnership!
You know, if you take your foot off the accelerator going downhill
you wouldn't use so much gas.
I can't take another word out of you.
I can't believe Flanders dumped me.
Marge do we have any more of your extra long twinkies?
Oh no! Those were for Mr. Smithers' commitment ceremony.
Marge, what's going on?
Homie, I've got a confession to make.
I'm an erotic baker.
I hid it all in the one place, you'd never look.
Marge I could see you withholding sex or withholding cake.
But withholding sexy cake?
I know, we have to move past this, but I don't see how.
Homie, what do you say, we go to bad?
You, me, and the cake.
First, why don't you and I and the cake, take a shower?
I'm out of the bounty hunting business.
Not so fast, Ned.
I've got one more bailjumper for you to pick up.
Forget it! I'm turning in my... Well, I don't have anything to turn in, so...
That's that. I suggest you call Homer Simpson.
This is one jumper, that Homer can't catch.
Homer?
Seems he never showed up in court in the St. Patrick' Day arrest.
Not interested.
All right, if you don't want the job, I'll just give it to one of these guys.
I'm sure they're all competent professionals, but...
...you best leave it to me.
Hello, hello, anybody home?
You jumped bail, Homer.
I've gotta bring you in.
What have you done to my family?
I figured a good time to pick you up was when they are at Lisa's recital.
And how did you know I wouldn't be there?
Lucky guess.
Well, you'll never take me alive!
Forgot my keys.
I loved you, man.
For the last few weeks, but most of the time
I've known you, you've treated me like dirt.
You hang on to recentment like a good federate widow.
I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
Yeah, but you hold on to the big things.
The point is, the more I got to know you, the more I got to like you.
I like you too. But you broke the law. So I gotta bring you in.
So it's gonna be like that, eh?
I've got you my friend!
Thanks, but what are you holding onto?
I...
Now all we have to do is get up, before the concrete hardens.
Oh, damn it!
"Lest I come and smite the earth with a curse."
Thus ends the book of Malachi.
I guess I did know the whole Old Testament by heart.
Out with the old, in with the new!
Testament that is.
Matthew 1, The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ,
the son of David, the son of Abraham. Abraham became the father of Isaac.
Isaac became the father of Jacob. Jacob became the father of Judah and his brothers.
Judah became the father of Perez and Zerah by Tamar,...
Simpson, we're gonna put you away for a long long time.
Make it life and you've got a deal.
Don't feel too bad, Homie. You'll be free tomorrow.
And I used all my new baking skills to make a special cake to remind you of me.
Oh, baby.
Thanks, Marge.
Timing/Texts NnS08