1 00:00:32,451 --> 00:00:34,028 We now return to the 1971 film... 2 00:00:35,454 --> 00:00:38,491 ...Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great Frisco FreakOut... 3 00:00:38,665 --> 00:00:40,160 "starring Troy McClure. 4 00:00:43,419 --> 00:00:46,171 Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds... 5 00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:48,663 ...then what happened to the bag with our stash? 6 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,248 There's more than one way to get high, baby. 7 00:01:00,558 --> 00:01:03,393 Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber... 8 00:01:03,561 --> 00:01:06,265 -...on late night TV? -Is there something wrong, Homie? 9 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,889 It's just that I've only seen this twice before... 10 00:01:09,066 --> 00:01:11,687 ...and I've seen you every night for the last 11 ye-- 11 00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:14,564 What I meant to say is, we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. 12 00:01:14,737 --> 00:01:16,196 I promise. 13 00:01:22,911 --> 00:01:24,785 Enchiladas. 14 00:01:32,669 --> 00:01:33,785 Mom! Dad! 15 00:01:34,004 --> 00:01:35,961 Don't turn on the light! 16 00:01:36,172 --> 00:01:39,209 There's a UFO outside my window. Seriously. 17 00:01:39,425 --> 00:01:43,210 Oh, Bart, it's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree. 18 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,432 Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? 19 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,017 -No. -Can I sit on the roof... 20 00:01:49,183 --> 00:01:50,891 ...with a baseball bat in case a UFO comes? 21 00:01:51,102 --> 00:01:52,644 Yes, that's fine. Good, good. 22 00:01:55,856 --> 00:01:58,430 I hope you kept the Homie fires burning. 23 00:02:00,193 --> 00:02:03,526 -Homer! Homer, wake up. Wake up. -What? 24 00:02:03,738 --> 00:02:08,363 We need to talk about the marital difficulties we've been having lately. 25 00:02:08,575 --> 00:02:10,402 Marge, there's just too much pressure. 26 00:02:10,577 --> 00:02:12,700 What with my job, the kids, traffic snarls... 27 00:02:12,870 --> 00:02:14,745 ...political strife at home and abroad. 28 00:02:14,914 --> 00:02:20,157 But I promise you the second all those things go away, we'll have sex. 29 00:02:20,335 --> 00:02:23,834 I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help. 30 00:02:24,005 --> 00:02:26,129 -How about a book? -Okay. 31 00:02:26,340 --> 00:02:27,835 A tasteful book. 32 00:02:28,050 --> 00:02:29,877 Oh, all right. 33 00:02:44,523 --> 00:02:46,812 Hey, Marge, this guy looks like Apu! 34 00:02:47,317 --> 00:02:50,104 I don't want people to see us looking at these books. 35 00:02:51,445 --> 00:02:52,726 What you looking at? 36 00:02:53,572 --> 00:02:55,149 I'm just reading up on artillery. 37 00:02:56,574 --> 00:02:58,899 Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in-- 38 00:03:00,453 --> 00:03:02,577 This one's a good choice and it's not smutty. 39 00:03:02,746 --> 00:03:04,454 It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey. 40 00:03:04,623 --> 00:03:08,289 That Midwestern man on the radio who's like a pleasant version of Grampa. 41 00:03:08,501 --> 00:03:12,416 Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American. 42 00:03:12,630 --> 00:03:13,958 Mom, Dad, look! 43 00:03:14,131 --> 00:03:16,752 This biography of Peter Uebberoth is only 99 cents. 44 00:03:16,925 --> 00:03:21,220 -And I found the new Al Gore book. -Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow. 45 00:03:21,387 --> 00:03:23,463 I hope it's as exciting as his other book: 46 00:03:23,639 --> 00:03:25,514 Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future. 47 00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:27,141 I'm getting this book on UFOs. 48 00:03:28,519 --> 00:03:29,847 Did you know they're real? 49 00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:31,930 But there's a conspiracy to cover it up. 50 00:03:32,105 --> 00:03:35,391 Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy. 51 00:03:54,708 --> 00:03:57,910 Mr. Vice President, someone finally bought a copy of your book. 52 00:03:58,127 --> 00:04:00,618 Well, this calls for a celebration. 53 00:04:02,297 --> 00:04:04,918 Celebrate good times Come on! 54 00:04:05,133 --> 00:04:06,924 WI... 55 00:04:08,761 --> 00:04:11,051 Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here. 56 00:04:11,389 --> 00:04:15,932 Did you know every good American is at hear! an erotic American? 57 00:04:16,101 --> 00:04:17,726 R's true. 58 00:04:17,894 --> 00:04:19,222 A famous couple- 59 00:04:19,395 --> 00:04:22,432 I don't need to tell you it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower. 60 00:04:22,607 --> 00:04:24,647 "offered this advice: 61 00:04:24,858 --> 00:04:26,934 "Double your pleasure with a bath... 62 00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:28,143 . . together." 63 00:04:31,489 --> 00:04:34,526 Homie, I can't quite fit. 64 00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:37,155 The faucet's jammed into my back. 65 00:04:37,327 --> 00:04:38,656 I'm stuck. 66 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,741 So am I. 67 00:04:47,253 --> 00:04:48,960 -Kids? -Kids? 68 00:04:49,129 --> 00:04:50,755 -Kids? -Kids? 69 00:04:51,798 --> 00:04:54,586 A romantic vacation can provide titillation. 70 00:04:54,801 --> 00:04:58,336 Sensual, sanitary seclusion awaits you at any of America's fine... 71 00:04:58,512 --> 00:05:01,265 ...AAA-approved motor lodges. 72 00:05:06,269 --> 00:05:08,013 The Arabian Nights Room looks nice. 73 00:05:08,396 --> 00:05:11,397 The Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus. 74 00:05:11,565 --> 00:05:14,649 Sorry there, Fred and Ethel. Should have made a reservation. 75 00:05:14,818 --> 00:05:17,107 We only got one room left. 76 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:20,072 The toilet is overflowing in the Caveman Room. 77 00:05:23,951 --> 00:05:28,577 Oh, here we are. The Utility Room. 78 00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:34,208 This isn't very erotic. I think it's an actual utility room. 79 00:05:34,376 --> 00:05:40,746 No, honey. It's a romantic fantasy. I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're... 80 00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:45,758 ...the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room. 81 00:05:50,348 --> 00:05:53,966 Don't mind me, folks. Just need to get the old wet-dry vac. 82 00:05:57,438 --> 00:06:00,640 By now, your new improved love life should have you flinging woo... 83 00:06:00,816 --> 00:06:02,523 ...like nobody's business. 84 00:06:02,692 --> 00:06:07,271 So to you, Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American, 1 bid... 85 00:06:07,446 --> 00:06:09,522 ...good day. 86 00:06:15,912 --> 00:06:18,747 Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. 87 00:06:18,956 --> 00:06:21,826 -What's wrong with your wife? -You wouldn't understand. 88 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,033 -Flu? 89 00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:24,586 -Protein deficiency? -No. 90 00:06:24,753 --> 00:06:28,252 Pneumonoultramicroscopic- silicovolcanoconiosis? 91 00:06:28,423 --> 00:06:30,498 -No. -Unsatisfying sex life? 92 00:06:30,675 --> 00:06:34,423 N-- Yes! But please, don't you say that word. 93 00:06:34,636 --> 00:06:37,127 What? Sex? 94 00:06:37,305 --> 00:06:40,093 What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father... 95 00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,678 ...talk about sex? 96 00:06:41,851 --> 00:06:44,639 I had sex. 97 00:06:49,858 --> 00:06:53,025 You're home safe. See you the next time we need your signature. 98 00:06:53,236 --> 00:06:55,477 Oh, you never wanna spend any time with me. 99 00:06:55,654 --> 00:06:58,407 But I can help you with your loving problem. 100 00:06:58,573 --> 00:07:02,903 I got a home remedy that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers. 101 00:07:07,414 --> 00:07:11,281 Legend has it my great grandpappy stumbled upon this recipe... 102 00:07:11,459 --> 00:07:15,789 ...when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water. 103 00:07:19,842 --> 00:07:22,926 Here you g-- Hey! 104 00:07:23,887 --> 00:07:25,215 Here you go, you ingrate! 105 00:07:25,388 --> 00:07:28,840 Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life. 106 00:07:30,434 --> 00:07:32,178 Drink it! 107 00:07:42,486 --> 00:07:45,440 Here's $50. Go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunt's. 108 00:07:45,614 --> 00:07:47,654 Stay there. Call you later. Now, now, now. 109 00:07:48,825 --> 00:07:52,158 -Homie, what's--? -Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards. 110 00:08:01,711 --> 00:08:03,668 What do you think Mom and Dad are doing? 111 00:08:03,838 --> 00:08:05,166 I don't know. 112 00:08:15,014 --> 00:08:19,593 Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. 113 00:08:21,353 --> 00:08:23,060 That tonic really works. 114 00:08:23,229 --> 00:08:26,183 You and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together. 115 00:08:26,399 --> 00:08:28,474 You want me to spend more time with Dad? 116 00:08:28,651 --> 00:08:30,525 What about my New Year's resolution? 117 00:08:30,736 --> 00:08:32,443 You can make a lot of money. 118 00:08:32,654 --> 00:08:34,896 Yeah. Where are my pants? 119 00:08:35,073 --> 00:08:36,650 You threw them out the window. 120 00:08:36,824 --> 00:08:38,781 You said you'd never need them again. 121 00:08:38,993 --> 00:08:41,282 Oh, hurry, Neddie. They're awful. 122 00:08:41,745 --> 00:08:43,951 You just be ready with that garbage bag. 123 00:08:46,916 --> 00:08:48,198 Oh, mama! 124 00:08:48,418 --> 00:08:50,043 This is finally really happening. 125 00:08:50,211 --> 00:08:53,330 After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes... 126 00:08:53,505 --> 00:08:55,830 ...I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme. 127 00:08:56,007 --> 00:08:57,086 And quick. 128 00:09:01,512 --> 00:09:03,422 Sir? Hello, sir. Yes. 129 00:09:03,597 --> 00:09:07,263 You look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. 50-- 130 00:09:08,685 --> 00:09:11,971 I guess people have some sort of moral objection to our sex drug. 131 00:09:12,146 --> 00:09:13,854 Let me sell it, you idiot. 132 00:09:15,816 --> 00:09:19,149 Step right up and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle... 133 00:09:19,319 --> 00:09:23,779 ...of Simpson & Son's patented Revitalizing Tonic! 134 00:09:23,990 --> 00:09:27,192 Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing... 135 00:09:27,409 --> 00:09:34,289 ...tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising. "her-prising,' revitalizing tonic! 136 00:09:38,877 --> 00:09:43,788 I doubt very highly that one elixir can boast so many fantastic properties. 137 00:09:45,675 --> 00:09:48,961 What say we amscray out of here and have a wild wingding... 138 00:09:49,136 --> 00:09:50,548 ...at the cyclotron, doctor. 139 00:09:50,721 --> 00:09:53,888 Anything you say, professor. 140 00:09:56,142 --> 00:09:58,716 Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together. 141 00:09:58,895 --> 00:10:02,726 And I found something for Milhouse down at the mall too. A pup tent. 142 00:10:02,898 --> 00:10:05,852 Oh, buy! New I can sleep out in the yard! 143 00:10:06,067 --> 00:10:07,775 Yeah! Every single night. 144 00:10:10,530 --> 00:10:12,985 I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect... 145 00:10:13,157 --> 00:10:15,149 ...is actually a mild form of poisoning. 146 00:10:15,325 --> 00:10:17,650 No doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions... 147 00:10:17,827 --> 00:10:19,453 ...in Grampa Simpson's bathtub. 148 00:10:19,621 --> 00:10:21,495 Nonetheless... 149 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,205 What's going on? Where are all the grownups? 150 00:10:33,382 --> 00:10:38,092 Who cares? With no adults around, I run this city. 151 00:10:40,430 --> 00:10:42,589 Carry on. 152 00:10:42,807 --> 00:10:44,966 Listen to this. "Unexplainable behavior. 153 00:10:45,142 --> 00:10:47,598 Individuals acting in a secretive fashion... 154 00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:52,479 ...are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena... 155 00:10:52,649 --> 00:10:54,808 ...e.g. telephone explosions." 156 00:10:55,026 --> 00:10:58,312 Jeez! If it's in a book, it's gotta be true. 157 00:10:58,529 --> 00:11:02,656 Scary, no? And this guy is head of the Spaceology Department... 158 00:11:02,866 --> 00:11:05,108 ...at the Correspondence College of Tampa. 159 00:11:05,285 --> 00:11:07,277 Will you cook my dinner for me? 160 00:11:07,453 --> 00:11:11,404 My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove. 161 00:11:12,958 --> 00:11:17,003 Hurry up. We got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit. 162 00:11:17,212 --> 00:11:20,628 Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid. 163 00:11:20,798 --> 00:11:24,464 Great. I'm gonna be stuck in a car all weekend with that wheezy windbag. 164 00:11:26,636 --> 00:11:28,095 And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation. 165 00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:29,805 Now as for your generation... 166 00:11:31,933 --> 00:11:34,056 And for the minimal outlay of one dollar... 167 00:11:34,226 --> 00:11:36,717 ...you can take home a bottle of liquid Lothario... 168 00:11:36,895 --> 00:11:40,940 ...distilled Don Juan, catalytically carbonated Casanova. 169 00:11:41,149 --> 00:11:44,897 Lock old Rover in the shed, because man has a new best friend... 170 00:11:45,069 --> 00:11:48,022 ...in Simpson & Son's Revitalizing Tonic. 171 00:11:48,238 --> 00:11:51,441 I'm not convinced. I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs. 172 00:11:51,658 --> 00:11:55,323 All questions will be answered, all fears will be allayed... 173 00:11:55,494 --> 00:11:57,903 ...with one incontrovertible demonstration. 174 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,749 May I have a volunteer from the audience? 175 00:12:00,957 --> 00:12:02,950 Yes, you, sir. 176 00:12:03,376 --> 00:12:05,618 You've never seen me before, is that correct? 177 00:12:05,795 --> 00:12:07,123 That is correct. 178 00:12:07,296 --> 00:12:10,049 Well, then how came his face is on the bottle? 179 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:20,968 You're the worst shill ever! 180 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,431 You're a disgrace to the medicine show business. 181 00:12:23,602 --> 00:12:26,805 They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music. 182 00:12:44,453 --> 00:12:47,074 Okay. It's now painfully clear. 183 00:12:47,247 --> 00:12:51,791 The adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people. 184 00:12:52,001 --> 00:12:55,370 You feel. Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? 185 00:12:55,588 --> 00:12:58,541 Or have they gotten to you too? 186 00:13:00,258 --> 00:13:02,797 Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! 187 00:13:02,969 --> 00:13:05,638 Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? 188 00:13:05,846 --> 00:13:07,721 Haven't you ever heard of Ockham's razor? 189 00:13:07,890 --> 00:13:10,594 The simplest explanation is probably the correct one. 190 00:13:10,809 --> 00:13:13,383 -So, what's the simplest explanation? -I don't know. 191 00:13:13,561 --> 00:13:17,476 Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark. 192 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:24,570 -Reverse vampires! -Vampires! The undead! 193 00:13:24,988 --> 00:13:28,903 Hey, wait a minute. That's Amos Pierson's moose farm. 194 00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:30,819 Make a right here. 195 00:13:35,705 --> 00:13:37,496 Why are we stopping at this dump? 196 00:13:37,707 --> 00:13:41,040 That's the house you grew up in, sun. 197 00:13:43,420 --> 00:13:45,828 Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted. 198 00:13:46,047 --> 00:13:50,045 Yeah, we lived here till the bank foreclosed in '63. 199 00:13:50,259 --> 00:13:54,007 Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. 200 00:13:54,179 --> 00:13:57,678 Something must've spooked them good. 201 00:13:58,642 --> 00:14:00,386 Stupid cows! 202 00:14:10,694 --> 00:14:15,319 Oh, memories. If this old place could talk, it'd say-- 203 00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:29,834 There she is. The old Radiation King. 204 00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:35,121 You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end. 205 00:14:37,884 --> 00:14:40,671 If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question... 206 00:14:40,844 --> 00:14:43,549 ...with yet another flip remark. 207 00:14:48,643 --> 00:14:53,056 Look at me, Mom. I am President Kennedy. 208 00:14:53,230 --> 00:14:56,931 Oh, Abe, maybe our Homer could grow up to be president someday. 209 00:14:58,318 --> 00:15:01,686 You, president? This is the greatest country in the world. 210 00:15:01,862 --> 00:15:04,353 We've got a system set up to keep people like you... 211 00:15:04,531 --> 00:15:06,073 ...from ever becoming president. 212 00:15:06,491 --> 00:15:08,401 Quit your daydreaming, melonhead. 213 00:15:09,828 --> 00:15:12,236 Quit your daydreaming, melonhead. 214 00:15:12,413 --> 00:15:15,616 Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? 215 00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:18,495 Maybe I could've been something more than I am. 216 00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,038 Like a travel agent... 217 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,670 ...to a great scientist. 218 00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:24,791 Or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. 219 00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:27,586 Who are you to complain? You lock me up in a home... 220 00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:31,170 ...and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas. 221 00:15:33,723 --> 00:15:35,265 Your whole life, you never said one nice thing to me. 222 00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:37,592 That's because you're a screwup. 223 00:15:37,810 --> 00:15:40,811 -You're the screwup! -Why, you little... 224 00:15:41,730 --> 00:15:43,058 All right. 225 00:15:43,231 --> 00:15:45,521 All right, that's it. We're going home. 226 00:15:45,692 --> 00:15:47,684 I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic. 227 00:15:47,860 --> 00:15:50,315 If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago... 228 00:15:50,487 --> 00:15:53,061 ...you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. 229 00:15:53,281 --> 00:15:55,073 You were an accident! 230 00:15:57,410 --> 00:15:58,738 Get out. 231 00:15:58,911 --> 00:16:01,402 -I'm sorry I said that. -Out. 232 00:16:01,580 --> 00:16:03,786 I'm gonna get out of the car. 233 00:16:03,957 --> 00:16:07,539 And I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awe-- 234 00:16:09,629 --> 00:16:15,666 Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my Army training. 235 00:16:16,718 --> 00:16:18,842 Dang. 236 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,924 I'm sorry. 237 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,390 Hi? 238 00:16:33,483 --> 00:16:36,851 Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life? 239 00:16:37,027 --> 00:16:39,862 Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. 240 00:16:40,030 --> 00:16:42,520 He said I was an accident. He didn't wanna have me. 241 00:16:42,699 --> 00:16:44,027 You didn't wanna have Bart. 242 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,192 You're never supposed to tell the child. 243 00:16:46,410 --> 00:16:48,237 You tell Bart all the time. 244 00:16:48,454 --> 00:16:50,161 But when I do it, it's cute. 245 00:16:50,539 --> 00:16:54,750 So finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults. 246 00:16:54,918 --> 00:16:58,453 -Milhouse. -Okay, here's what we've got. 247 00:16:58,671 --> 00:17:00,213 The Rand Corporation... 248 00:17:00,381 --> 00:17:03,879 -...in conjunction with the saucer people... -Thank you. 249 00:17:04,050 --> 00:17:06,210 ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires... 250 00:17:08,888 --> 00:17:11,177 ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early... 251 00:17:11,348 --> 00:17:14,765 ...in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner. 252 00:17:15,352 --> 00:17:18,270 We're through the looking glass here, people. 253 00:17:18,479 --> 00:17:22,227 Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky... 254 00:17:22,399 --> 00:17:27,274 ...nutty, chewy, chocolatey-- Put it away, boy! --situation. 255 00:17:27,445 --> 00:17:30,280 And your daddy has realized something very important. 256 00:17:30,490 --> 00:17:33,609 A father should always make his kids feel wanted. 257 00:17:33,826 --> 00:17:36,364 Starting now, I promise to spend more time with you... 258 00:17:36,537 --> 00:17:39,407 ...and give you the attention you deserve. 259 00:17:40,165 --> 00:17:42,324 I can't breathe. 260 00:17:43,334 --> 00:17:45,873 And feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial... 261 00:17:46,045 --> 00:17:47,871 ...from my own flesh and blood. 262 00:17:48,046 --> 00:17:51,083 The son who puts the fun in Simpson & Son... 263 00:17:51,257 --> 00:17:53,748 ...my son, Barney. 264 00:17:53,968 --> 00:17:58,381 I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. 265 00:17:58,597 --> 00:18:01,716 That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas. 266 00:18:01,933 --> 00:18:07,011 I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem. 267 00:18:13,068 --> 00:18:15,606 It just ain't the same without Homer. 268 00:18:16,446 --> 00:18:18,153 He knew how to drive a car. 269 00:18:21,825 --> 00:18:24,399 Son. My dear son. 270 00:18:24,578 --> 00:18:27,496 From now on, I'm going to be a good and attentive father. 271 00:18:27,705 --> 00:18:31,074 And for starters, your old man is gonna teach you how to ride... 272 00:18:31,250 --> 00:18:34,168 ...your very first bike. 273 00:18:39,882 --> 00:18:42,503 Dad, number one: I know how to ride a bike. 274 00:18:42,677 --> 00:18:47,552 Number two: I already own a bike. And number three: That is a girl's bike. 275 00:18:47,722 --> 00:18:52,847 You're no girl, you're a boy. A good boy. You can be president. 276 00:18:53,019 --> 00:18:55,723 -Scratch that. You will be president! -Dad! 277 00:18:56,271 --> 00:18:59,770 I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing. 278 00:19:00,483 --> 00:19:03,022 No, Dad. I wanna get down. 279 00:19:03,236 --> 00:19:06,652 This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me. 280 00:19:06,864 --> 00:19:09,734 No! No! 281 00:19:09,950 --> 00:19:13,283 No offense, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun... 282 00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,410 ...than your haw-asset! over-parenting. 283 00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:17,448 But I'm using my whole ass. 284 00:19:17,665 --> 00:19:21,200 Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... 285 00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:23,122 ...scary. 286 00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:28,214 Someday you'll thank me for all this scary love. 287 00:19:29,467 --> 00:19:32,385 But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking. 288 00:19:34,763 --> 00:19:39,009 -I'm sure he meant to say "drinking." -That's what I assumed. 289 00:19:42,394 --> 00:19:45,015 Here's where it all started to go wrong. 290 00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:49,227 How am I supposed to be a good dad when I never had one myself? 291 00:19:51,194 --> 00:19:53,684 Oh, Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning... 292 00:19:53,862 --> 00:19:56,615 ...when I actually got to meet Santa Claus. 293 00:19:56,782 --> 00:19:58,822 Some father. 294 00:19:58,992 --> 00:20:00,320 Wait a minute... 295 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:02,696 Dad! 296 00:20:04,121 --> 00:20:06,245 This photo is a blessing. 297 00:20:06,415 --> 00:20:08,241 It eases my pain. 298 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:19,926 This tonic's caused me nothing but trouble. 299 00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:23,130 You've done all the damage you're gonna do. 300 00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:26,422 Oh, nuts! 301 00:20:33,063 --> 00:20:35,020 -Dad! -Son! 302 00:20:35,231 --> 00:20:38,399 I'm a screwup. I burned down our house. 303 00:20:38,609 --> 00:20:42,191 No. I'm a screwup. I burned down our house. 304 00:20:42,404 --> 00:20:44,361 -You know what? -What? 305 00:20:44,573 --> 00:20:47,775 -We're both screwups. -It doesn't matter. 306 00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:50,952 What matters is you were right when you told me... 307 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:54,738 ...I never said anything nice about you. 308 00:20:54,956 --> 00:20:58,373 So are you gonna say something nice new? 309 00:20:58,585 --> 00:21:00,292 I hadn't thought that far ahead. 310 00:21:01,712 --> 00:21:04,547 Okay, here it goes. 311 00:21:04,715 --> 00:21:08,463 I'm not sorry I had you, son. 312 00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:12,171 And I was always proud... 313 00:21:12,346 --> 00:21:14,837 ...that you weren't a short man. 314 00:21:15,015 --> 00:21:16,474 Oh, Dad. 315 00:21:21,187 --> 00:21:23,346 What do you say we roll on the grass, son? 316 00:21:23,523 --> 00:21:26,061 I'm with you, Dad.