Nothing beats taking a family drive with our new satellite radio.
Which of the 25 easy-listening stations should we listen to?
I say "Cool Waves."
"Neon Breeze!"
"Chill Thunder!" "Chill Thunder!"
You're all idiots.
I'm putting it on "Chill Thunder Lite."
Oh, now that's smooth.
Out of my way, you seat belt-wearin' cowards!
Hey! Nobody cuts me off!
Homer, no!
Revenge never solves anything.
Then what's America doing in Iraq?
Well, let me tell you a story
about a time revenge brought
only unhappiness and misery.
It happened many years ago in Paris.
Texas?
No, France.
There was a happy young family.
Papa, may we have chocolat?
Papa, may we have petit fours?
May we? May we?
Mais oui!
Oh, Mon Cher,
I am the luckiest wife in the entire
16th arrondissement!
Let us kiss with the tongues.
I hate that Homer jerk
with his beautiful wife
and loving family,
when all I got is this doorway.
Well, enjoy your sensual
tongue-play while you can
'cause I've got a plan to take everything you got!
Monsieur Simpson.
You're under arrest for treason.
Treason? But I love France.
The way all our words are either a girl or a guy.
Oh, that's the best.
Tell it to Le baton!
I don't want the kids
to see me this way.
Don't worry!
They're still drunk from school.
Uh... deux... trois.
Listen to this letter he wrote.
"Dear England,
"how I love your
moors and heaths.
"For you, I'd do
whatever it takes,
especially treason."
I didn't write that!
Even if I did love England,
I'd play it cool.
Wait for it to come to me.
I sentence you to life.
You moron! I'm already alive.
In prison.
I'm gonna stop now.
I shouldn't be here.
I was framed.
You think you got problems?
The man in the iron mask over there
is the rightful King of France.
Hey, wait, did you guys hear that?
He just admitted it. Guys?
Oh, man, this place is so unfair.
Are you going to torture me?
We can't tell you.
Not knowing is
the worst torture of all.
Well, that and the rat helmet.
Now get some sleep.
You've got a 9:00 a.m. rat helmet.
Oh, 9:00 a.m.
I swear revenge on Meaux!
Even if it takes me
the rest of my life!
Can you loosen my arms
so I can shake my fists?
You're the traitor.
Revenge!
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, little mouse.
You are the only thing
that keeps me sane.
Now I have nothing.
Perhaps
I may be of help.
Where did you come from?
I'm your cell mate.
You never noticed me because frankly,
you're extremely self-centered.
Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening.
I was checking out my reflection
in this yellow water.
Ho-ho-ho-ho, looking good.
Young man, I have the answer
to your problems.
I spent 30 years digging this tunnel,
but now I can't use it.
I'm simply too old.
And decrepit.
But you can escape
and use this map to retrieve
my buried treasure.
With it you can have your revenge.
Ooh, the-the!
But why are you helping me?
Well, because before
my wretched life
comes to a close,
I want to know that
I had one friend.
Also, because while you slept,
I violated you repeatedly.
So this map leads to a treasure, huh?
I wonder how long this tunnel
...iiiiiiiis!
D'oh!
Damn it!
How's it going?
D'oh!
Uh-huh. Hmm.
Mon Dieu!
Whoo-hoo-hee!
Ew! Silver.
Ooh, a penny.
This is my lucky day!
FrÃšre Jacques, FrÃšre Jacques,
Dormez-vous, dormez-vous
Oh, I love today's music.
FrÃšre this, and Jacques that.
Out of sight.
"The Count of Monte Cristo
invites you to a formal gala."
Ooh, the Count of Monte Cristo!
Can we go?
We haven't been
to any parties
since that soirie
at the Bastille.
Ah...
summer nights.
When will we meet the count?
Do you think he'll like us?
I've heard rumors he's mysterious.
Madame, you have the shapely,
hairless knuckles of a queen.
Oh. Well.
Monsieur Meaux,
I would be honored
if you would be the first
to enjoy the evening's entertainment.
Here it is:
the harmless chair
of relaxation.
I heard about these things.
They're good for doing the wife, right?
Oh!
Little do you know
that the Count of Monte Cristo
is in fact
an old acquaintance of yours.
Ma?
I have returned!
I don't get it.
Oh, hold on.
It's him!
Monsieur Simpson!
Homer, you're back!
Oui, oui! And I have spent
the last five years plotting the most
exquisite revenge!
Okay, lesson learned.
Friends again?
CrÃªpes?
Suzette!
Homer?
Yes, my love?
You killed my husband.
No!
Papa Meaux!
You guys liked him?
We were together for five years.
Now who's going to take care of the triplets?
But Marge,
I did it all for you.
For me, huh?
What took you so long?
It takes time
to make a revenge machine
this awesome.
Plus, in the middle,
I had to take revenge
on some of my contractors.
You spent so much time
plotting your revenge,
you lost everything
that really mattered.
Come on, kids.
So you see, Homer,
revenge only leads to misery.
Weren't you listening?
I just told you a whole story
about revenge.
Oh right.
Revenge!
I'm gonna get my revenge, and if I get caught,
I'm pinning it on the baby like the time I shot Mr. Burns.
Dad, wait.
I've got a story about why revenge is wrong.
Is it The Count of Monte Cristo? 'Cause I love that story.
No.
I call it Revenge of the Geeks.
I'm so sick of those bullies.
We got to figure out some way to stop 'em.
Perhaps we could tell the principal.
Tell me what?
Behold the Get-back-inator.
We're gonna beat those bullies with a glove?
This is far more than a mere glove.
This is the turning point in the eternal battle of brain v. brawn.
All it requires is a small amount of coordination.
I can handle the glove. I took juggling at camp.
Good morning, dinguses.
What are you doing, touching each other's butts?
Oh, you are so dead you're alive.
What is this place?
Ah, what a pleasant surprise.
It seems that now the shoe is on the other...
Revenge!
My fun bags!
Please, have mercy!
I always thought you were the coolest dork.
Stop hitting yourself.
Why are you hitting yourself?
Milhouse, thanks to you, the nerds can breathe easy.
Except the ones with asthma, which is all of them.
But still, it's great.
Yup, having a weapon at school has really made things awesome.
Pardon my birdie.
I misjudged the prevailing winds.
You embarrassed me in front of Lisa!
Milhouse, what's gotten into you?
Over the years, a lot of people have hurt me.
Good thing I kept this list.
Oh, no, you've already got your revenge!
You wouldn't give me Chinese cuts in the lunch line.
You laughed when I threw up on the glass-blowing tour.
Girls like you better.
Your parents are married!
Ay caramba!
That's the only line I get in your stupid story?!
There are no small parts, just small actors.
This is my first day at this school.
I haven't done anything to you!
You will. This is prevenge.
Why, look, it's Milhouse.
What's the power glove for?
Opening the cup on your weirdo pills?
Willie, clean up this mess.
All right.
Milhouse, don't you see?
You're addicted to revenge.
You'll learn to love it when you're my queen.
I see.
While it would be an honor to be your queen...
Go on.
...I feel it would be best if we just stay friends.
Nobody spares my feelings!
I can't do it.
I can't hurt you, Lisa.
You forgot about me 'cause I had the mumps.
That had what I really like in a story:
an ending.
The point, Dad, is that when you take revenge,
you become just as bad as the person you harm.
No, sweetie, the lesson is: never put down your weapon.
Revenge!
Look at that view.
It reminds me of how insignificant we are in the world.
Yeehaw!
This is it.
It's taken all day.
We've missed our flight to Hawaii, but finally I'll get my revenge.
Dad, wait!
- You haven't heard my story. - You?
You're too dumb to tell a story.
No, seriously, you're great. Let's hear it. Oh, geez.
My story takes place in a time I call the past.
That stunk worse than boiled cabbage.
You should feel lucky.
Not many boys have parents who can afford
to take them to the opera every night.
Parents who are still alive, I might add.
Hmm, well, this alley looks dangerous.
I better turn my ring around.
Oh, boy.
Hand over your wallet.
You don't frighten me!
Or my wife!
- Or my... - Shut up.
Avenge me.
In flamboyant, impractical fashion.
I want to avenge you, but I don't know how.
- With my help. - Grandpa?
In my younger days, I was an ace crime fighter.
The "Crimson Cockatoo."
Now let's get you in shape in an old-timey way.
Holy Hannah!
I've got more muscles than a New England clam bank.
Now all I need is a superhero name.
You can be the Crimson Cockaboy.
- Hmm? - I'll keep thinking.
Help! Somebody help!
That thief stole all my Heralds, Tribunes, and Herald-Tribunes.
- A k-k-k-kid! - I'm Bart-Man.
Thank you, masked vigilante.
Your overzealous homicide has saved me 80 cents.
Now, if you're not going to buy anything, please move along.
Tonight, the Springfield...
I mean Gotham underworld is trembling
while solid citizens sleep snug as a bug.
Why? Because Bart-Man is knocking down bad guys
like Howard Hughes knocks up young starlets!
Bad guys like The Toker...
The Diddler...
Mr. Mole...
Sugar and Spice.
And Poison Lenny.
No snake tattoo.
When will I find the man who murdered my parents?
When?
Attention, Bart-Man.
This is The Serpent, saying "fangs a lot"
for getting rid of the competish.
More stuff for me to steal!
No villain is safe from me, Serpent!
But I'm not a villain. I'm a transvestite.
Explain that to your maker.
I'll take it from here, Bart-Man.
No sign of the Serpent, Chief.
Everything's work with you. Lighten up.
That music-- it's so hypnotic.
My bone has a mind of its own.
I'll be snaking those jewels and venom gonna go.
Sorry I didn't asp your permission.
Hope that's cobracetic.
Hey, jerk, puns are lazy writing.
D'oh!
Party's over, Serpent!
No kidding because you're standing in the dip.
You!
You're the man who killed my parents!
I did it.
I finally got my revenge.
But it didn't bring your parents back.
Tell me, big boy, was it really worth it?
Well, I do feel a little better.
Plus, I got zillions of dollars and no parents to tell me what to do.
Bart-Man, don't you want to join us?
Don't talk to me when I'm vibrating.
So you see, revenge is great, and there's three ways
to talk about it.
Although two of the ways were kind of the same way,
and even the third one might have worked better as a Halloween story.
That's okay, boy.
The two of us got to talking.
Yeah, turns out we have a lot in common.
We're both from Connecticut.
Look at all them stars.
How many do you think there are?
- Two. - What the...
Two? You think there are two...
Well, I never. How could you...?
Why do you think it is that mankind
is so inclined towards hating one another?
I don't know.
Let's just lay here till we figure it out.