1 00:00:03,820 --> 00:00:04,962 (screeches) 2 00:00:08,658 --> 00:00:10,658 D'oh! 3 00:00:10,753 --> 00:00:12,302 (grunts) 4 00:00:15,908 --> 00:00:17,999 (gasps) Where's your helmet? 5 00:00:18,168 --> 00:00:19,893 D'oh! 6 00:00:26,752 --> 00:00:28,360 ♪ 7 00:00:37,596 --> 00:00:42,190 ♪ This woman's gonna get what she wants today ♪ 8 00:00:42,284 --> 00:00:46,378 ♪ Barney's gonna buy a new sconce today ♪ 9 00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:50,883 ♪ Gonna buy a broom to play quidditch today ♪ 10 00:00:51,034 --> 00:00:55,387 ♪ Waylon's gonna get some kitsch today ♪ 11 00:00:55,539 --> 00:00:57,556 ♪ ♪ 12 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,565 ♪ I'm gonna buy some figurines today ♪ 13 00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:09,810 ♪ Some lovely pastoral scenes today ♪ 14 00:01:09,962 --> 00:01:12,738 ♪ I've finally found the rare girl with goat ♪ 15 00:01:12,889 --> 00:01:15,574 ♪ I'll stash them all in my NPR tote ♪ 16 00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:16,909 ♪ Today ♪ 17 00:01:18,304 --> 00:01:21,638 ♪ The shoppers always haggle, low price ♪ 18 00:01:21,731 --> 00:01:25,375 ♪ And Flanders always gives in, too nice ♪ 19 00:01:26,812 --> 00:01:29,146 ♪ Too nice, too nice ♪ 20 00:01:29,164 --> 00:01:31,998 ♪ I'll sell these fuzzy dice ♪ 21 00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:37,412 ♪ Maude bought them as a joke I did not get ♪ 22 00:01:37,506 --> 00:01:40,657 ♪ Today, today ♪ 23 00:01:40,676 --> 00:01:43,936 ♪ We'll sell our toys, we pray ♪ 24 00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:49,274 ♪ 'Cause playing is a sin that we regret ♪ 25 00:01:49,501 --> 00:01:50,500 BOTH: Yay! 26 00:01:50,594 --> 00:01:52,336 (cartoon scrambling sound effect) 27 00:01:52,429 --> 00:01:54,404 ♪ ♪ 28 00:01:57,693 --> 00:01:59,201 (trumpets) 29 00:02:01,847 --> 00:02:05,015 ♪ Criterion Collection: Meryl Streep ♪ 30 00:02:05,108 --> 00:02:07,793 ♪ A box of Easter candy, all Peeps ♪ 31 00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:10,295 ♪ Today, today ♪ 32 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:14,024 ♪ I'll undersell eBay ♪ 33 00:02:14,117 --> 00:02:19,179 ♪ We'll get some useless crap today! ♪ 34 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,549 See, Marge? We skip one rehearsal, 35 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,125 and we're totally lost. 36 00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:26,395 ♪ Today! ♪ 37 00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,706 Wow, Mr. Flanders. 38 00:02:29,875 --> 00:02:32,133 You're selling your used birthday candles? 39 00:02:32,227 --> 00:02:33,877 Hmm, they relight themselves. 40 00:02:34,046 --> 00:02:36,304 I won't have voodoo in the house. 41 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,231 I'm one. I'm two. 42 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:41,218 I'm three. I'm dizzy. 43 00:02:41,311 --> 00:02:42,977 (groans, thud) 44 00:02:43,071 --> 00:02:44,997 Oh. 45 00:02:45,224 --> 00:02:47,574 Do you really want to sell these precious memories? 46 00:02:47,726 --> 00:02:49,317 (chuckles) 47 00:02:49,411 --> 00:02:51,170 They're just earthly possessions, Marge. 48 00:02:51,397 --> 00:02:54,989 All I need is God in my heart, the good book in my hand, and... 49 00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:56,842 (gasps) What are you heathens doing 50 00:02:57,069 --> 00:02:58,677 to my Norman Rockwell commemorative plates?! 51 00:02:58,904 --> 00:03:00,921 (grunting) 52 00:03:01,073 --> 00:03:02,848 We bought 'em, we smash 'em. 53 00:03:03,075 --> 00:03:04,666 Take that, Freedom from Want. 54 00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:06,185 (grunts) 55 00:03:06,412 --> 00:03:07,669 -(boys laugh) -(Flanders groans) 56 00:03:07,763 --> 00:03:09,521 Look at me! I'm Mr. Rogers. 57 00:03:09,748 --> 00:03:12,632 Yeah. And I'm Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. 58 00:03:12,784 --> 00:03:14,193 I'll have what he's having. 59 00:03:14,420 --> 00:03:16,920 -We're having a ball! -Of yarn. 60 00:03:17,089 --> 00:03:18,346 (both laughing) 61 00:03:18,515 --> 00:03:19,948 (groans) 62 00:03:22,761 --> 00:03:24,928 Oh, all this humiliation for... 63 00:03:25,097 --> 00:03:26,788 (scoffs) $21? 64 00:03:27,933 --> 00:03:29,875 Get out before I turn on the hose! 65 00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:33,069 Thank you. 66 00:03:33,121 --> 00:03:35,863 Okay, fine. I'm not selling one more precious tchotchke 67 00:03:36,032 --> 00:03:38,967 unless it's going to a decent, respectful home. 68 00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:42,888 (inhales) 69 00:03:44,132 --> 00:03:46,725 (sighs) Damaged corner. 70 00:03:46,876 --> 00:03:48,894 Excuse me, sir? I understand how you feel. 71 00:03:49,045 --> 00:03:51,621 Bart Simpson. Longtime neighbor, first time reader. 72 00:03:51,715 --> 00:03:53,515 May I buy these books? 73 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,459 There's no bad words in these 74 00:03:55,552 --> 00:03:56,810 if that's what you're looking for. 75 00:03:56,979 --> 00:03:58,445 I cut 'em all out. 76 00:03:59,556 --> 00:04:00,647 Mm. 77 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,407 Thank you... 78 00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:04,243 Adultery Ass. 79 00:04:04,394 --> 00:04:06,912 This is why I always carry a fan. 80 00:04:07,063 --> 00:04:08,247 Don't worry, sir. 81 00:04:08,474 --> 00:04:10,582 We're boys who have made our share of mistakes, 82 00:04:10,809 --> 00:04:13,418 but these books will fire up our imaginations. 83 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,259 ♪ 84 00:04:22,746 --> 00:04:24,763 My greatest moment! 85 00:04:28,494 --> 00:04:30,510 Oh, Bart. 86 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,329 I was filming the wrong way. 87 00:04:32,347 --> 00:04:33,939 It's all me! 88 00:04:34,166 --> 00:04:36,666 This angle makes my nose look big. 89 00:04:36,685 --> 00:04:38,568 Oh! 90 00:04:39,671 --> 00:04:41,338 (groans) 91 00:04:41,356 --> 00:04:42,406 Hmm. 92 00:04:44,693 --> 00:04:46,601 Bart, that's clearly personal. 93 00:04:46,695 --> 00:04:49,179 You have to give it back to Mr. Flanders. 94 00:04:49,197 --> 00:04:53,441 You don't have a single little boy bone in your body, do you? 95 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:56,019 Hey! I did take karate. 96 00:04:56,038 --> 00:04:59,256 Till I had an allergic reaction to my gi. 97 00:05:00,450 --> 00:05:02,950 -(bee buzzing) -There's a bee in here! 98 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,053 (grunting) 99 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,264 (groans) 100 00:05:08,492 --> 00:05:09,725 "My Journal." 101 00:05:10,794 --> 00:05:12,536 Wait a minute. 102 00:05:12,629 --> 00:05:16,297 I've seen that red ink before, especially the D's and F's. 103 00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:19,192 -(thunder crashing) -♪ ♪ 104 00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:24,639 It's Mrs. Krabappel's diary! 105 00:05:24,733 --> 00:05:27,734 (sniffs) Parliament Lights 100. 106 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,811 That was her brand. 107 00:05:29,905 --> 00:05:33,056 EDNA: Remember: if you can teach one kid one thing, 108 00:05:33,149 --> 00:05:35,149 then today will be a success... 109 00:05:35,243 --> 00:05:38,003 Oh. I forgot Flanders married Krabappel. 110 00:05:38,230 --> 00:05:41,548 I do not need to see the dark side of another marriage. 111 00:05:42,659 --> 00:05:45,068 Let the oceans have it, Bart. 112 00:05:45,161 --> 00:05:47,512 They're big enough to hide any sin. 113 00:05:47,739 --> 00:05:49,831 You would think so, but no. 114 00:05:49,999 --> 00:05:52,517 Why are corpses so buoyant? 115 00:05:52,744 --> 00:05:54,394 'Cause I ain't dead yet! 116 00:05:55,931 --> 00:05:58,023 The boss ain't gonna like this. 117 00:05:58,250 --> 00:05:59,173 I'm the boss! 118 00:05:59,342 --> 00:06:01,434 -Do you like it? -No! 119 00:06:01,587 --> 00:06:02,677 LOUIE: Shouldn't we stop those kids? 120 00:06:02,846 --> 00:06:04,363 FAT TONY: We don't kill children. 121 00:06:04,590 --> 00:06:06,365 We'll wait till they're 18. 122 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,183 This is your fault, Krabappel. 123 00:06:09,352 --> 00:06:10,869 You taught me to read. 124 00:06:11,096 --> 00:06:13,446 If you read this diary, you'll regret it. 125 00:06:13,599 --> 00:06:15,022 Maybe not today... 126 00:06:15,191 --> 00:06:17,292 -Okay, good enough. -(groans) 127 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,030 What's it say?! What's it say?! 128 00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:25,717 Does she write about how well I cleaned the gerbil cage?! 129 00:06:25,869 --> 00:06:28,053 If not, it might be a fake. 130 00:06:28,204 --> 00:06:30,705 It's in there. And a lot more. 131 00:06:30,799 --> 00:06:32,557 She says Chalmers hides his car keys 132 00:06:32,709 --> 00:06:35,560 on the top of his sun visor. 133 00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,230 ♪ 134 00:06:39,883 --> 00:06:41,141 (tires squealing) 135 00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:44,236 I just became the most powerful kid in school. 136 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,241 Slimmer! 137 00:06:49,392 --> 00:06:51,410 -(tires squealing) -Uh... What the...? 138 00:06:51,561 --> 00:06:54,137 ♪ ♪ 139 00:06:54,230 --> 00:06:57,323 He's got a free yogurt at the car wash. 140 00:06:57,418 --> 00:06:59,400 Let's drop the car off at the car wash, 141 00:06:59,494 --> 00:07:01,253 get the yogurt, and never come back. 142 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,630 The perfect crime! 143 00:07:06,818 --> 00:07:09,319 There they are! Go get 'em! 144 00:07:09,337 --> 00:07:11,504 Yeah, don't worry. We'll get your car, but, uh, 145 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:14,841 all I can think of now is we should do that, Lou. 146 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,827 Go for a drive just because. 147 00:07:17,846 --> 00:07:20,588 -(grunting happily) -♪ ♪ 148 00:07:20,682 --> 00:07:21,815 Ugh! 149 00:07:27,522 --> 00:07:29,614 Finally, thanks to Mrs. K, 150 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:33,160 I'll know what goes on in the teachers' lounge. 151 00:07:34,196 --> 00:07:36,012 No, this is not a sales call. 152 00:07:36,031 --> 00:07:39,365 It's an opportunity to improve your life with gutter guards. 153 00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:42,035 Ma'am, are you sure your family will be taken care of 154 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,687 in case of a sinkhole? 155 00:07:43,855 --> 00:07:46,965 And with this cruise package, you're guaranteed a deck chair 156 00:07:47,192 --> 00:07:48,858 for one full hour a day. 157 00:07:48,877 --> 00:07:51,528 So can I...? Hello? Hello? 158 00:07:51,621 --> 00:07:53,196 BART: So, working your night school jobs 159 00:07:53,289 --> 00:07:54,698 during school hours, eh? 160 00:07:54,866 --> 00:07:56,216 (laughs) 161 00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:58,368 Oh, you are still there. You're just very quiet. 162 00:07:58,461 --> 00:08:00,036 I'll wait as long as it takes. 163 00:08:00,129 --> 00:08:02,372 (bell tolling) 164 00:08:02,465 --> 00:08:06,133 Reading someone else's diary in a church? 165 00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:08,970 That's the worst thing you can do in a church! 166 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,697 (Irish accent): No, not really. 167 00:08:12,884 --> 00:08:14,901 Oh, my God. I'm in this. 168 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,553 What did she say? 169 00:08:16,646 --> 00:08:18,622 (angelic choir singing) 170 00:08:20,892 --> 00:08:22,559 "I had a wonderful time 171 00:08:22,652 --> 00:08:25,228 "with my spikey-haired after-school buddy. 172 00:08:25,321 --> 00:08:29,007 "Sometimes I have to be tough on him so his behavior gets better, 173 00:08:29,234 --> 00:08:30,992 "but he's smart as a whip. 174 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,677 "When he grows up, 175 00:08:32,904 --> 00:08:35,830 I bet there's no door he won't be able to open." 176 00:08:35,924 --> 00:08:37,257 What does that mean? 177 00:08:37,409 --> 00:08:39,500 She's saying you have potential. 178 00:08:39,594 --> 00:08:41,002 Oh, my God. 179 00:08:41,096 --> 00:08:43,170 I thought she hated me after I glued her to her chair. 180 00:08:43,265 --> 00:08:45,172 And yet she says I have potential. 181 00:08:45,341 --> 00:08:48,268 I have a future. The sky's the limit! 182 00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,695 ("Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing) 183 00:08:53,275 --> 00:08:55,659 ("Hail to the Chief" playing) 184 00:08:57,186 --> 00:08:59,112 I got rid of the squeak in your chair, sir. 185 00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:01,114 Good man. 186 00:09:01,266 --> 00:09:03,917 When do I get paid? It's been three weeks. 187 00:09:05,453 --> 00:09:07,712 BART: Wow. Presidential chair tester. 188 00:09:07,864 --> 00:09:09,530 Can't do better than that. 189 00:09:09,624 --> 00:09:11,441 (sighs) This changes everything. 190 00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:12,884 All this time I was showing my butt, 191 00:09:13,036 --> 00:09:14,368 I was actually showing promise. 192 00:09:14,462 --> 00:09:16,446 I'm gonna live up to that potential. 193 00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:19,724 ♪ I used to march down the windy, windy sidewalks ♪ 194 00:09:19,951 --> 00:09:21,634 ♪ Slapping my leg with a riding crop ♪ 195 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,970 ♪ Thinking it made me come off so tough ♪ 196 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:27,307 ♪ I didn't smile because a smile always seemed rehearsed ♪ 197 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,292 ♪ I wasn't afraid of the bullies ♪ 198 00:09:29,385 --> 00:09:31,987 ♪ And that just made the bullies worse. ♪ 199 00:09:34,390 --> 00:09:36,057 Pop art quiz! 200 00:09:36,151 --> 00:09:40,136 Is that a "pop" art quiz, or a "pop art" quiz? 201 00:09:40,229 --> 00:09:42,581 It's a "shut up and fill in the bubbles" quiz. 202 00:09:42,808 --> 00:09:44,808 Okay, how am I gonna blow this off? 203 00:09:44,826 --> 00:09:47,811 Maybe fill in all the bubbles to make a skull. 204 00:09:47,904 --> 00:09:50,422 Now, hold on, Bart. You have potential. 205 00:09:50,649 --> 00:09:52,982 Why not really try and do it? 206 00:09:53,001 --> 00:09:55,635 -You think? -(chuckles) Yes. 207 00:09:56,671 --> 00:09:57,654 (gasps) 208 00:09:57,672 --> 00:09:58,930 I know this one. It's "B." 209 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,658 And after "B," the next answer's usually "C." 210 00:10:01,676 --> 00:10:03,893 And the next one I can get from Martin. 211 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,998 ♪ 212 00:10:09,017 --> 00:10:10,942 This cake is for Bart. 213 00:10:11,169 --> 00:10:13,169 He got an "A" on his test. 214 00:10:13,188 --> 00:10:14,112 Mm-hmm. 215 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,764 What's a matter? Wondering how I cheated? 216 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:19,843 You know, all my thoughts aren't about you. 217 00:10:19,936 --> 00:10:22,512 LISA: How did he do it? I must find out. 218 00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:26,791 (gasps) Oh, God. All my thoughts are about him. 219 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,460 Think pony. Think pony. 220 00:10:28,687 --> 00:10:30,687 -(pony brays) -(yells) 221 00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:33,114 How'd you do it, Bart? How'd you do it? 222 00:10:33,208 --> 00:10:35,449 We're just gonna be very happy about this grade 223 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,861 and not ask questions. 224 00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:39,879 How did he do it? How did he do it? 225 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,365 Do I have two high-achieving kids? 226 00:10:42,458 --> 00:10:44,367 Oh, be realistic, Marge. 227 00:10:44,536 --> 00:10:46,703 He must be hiding something. 228 00:10:46,796 --> 00:10:48,730 ♪ ♪ 229 00:10:54,562 --> 00:10:56,303 Ah, he's clean. 230 00:10:56,398 --> 00:10:57,989 And so is his room. 231 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,307 I see you couldn't find out how he did it. 232 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,477 No offense, Mom, but mind if I take a whack? 233 00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:05,980 Help yourself. 234 00:11:06,074 --> 00:11:08,124 How, Maggie? How? 235 00:11:09,227 --> 00:11:11,411 Oh, the treehouse, right. 236 00:11:11,563 --> 00:11:13,630 The answer's in the treehouse. 237 00:11:17,827 --> 00:11:19,678 Ay Krabappel! 238 00:11:19,905 --> 00:11:22,255 This is a new low, even for you. 239 00:11:22,407 --> 00:11:23,256 Thanks. 240 00:11:23,408 --> 00:11:24,516 Okay, spill it. 241 00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:26,351 What dirt did you find? 242 00:11:26,502 --> 00:11:29,521 I'm only on page 35, but it's so clear she thought I was great. 243 00:11:29,748 --> 00:11:31,172 She really liked me. 244 00:11:31,266 --> 00:11:33,174 Even when I brought in a dead bird from outside, 245 00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:34,693 which I've actually forgotten. 246 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:36,027 What? 247 00:11:36,254 --> 00:11:38,421 LISA: Poor, deluded Bart. 248 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,606 She was writing that about her cat. 249 00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:43,350 She loved how much I love tuna. 250 00:11:43,445 --> 00:11:45,686 I don't remember that either, but it was meaningful to her. 251 00:11:45,855 --> 00:11:47,280 Listen, Bart... 252 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,933 And she said I was too adorable to be sterilized. 253 00:11:50,026 --> 00:11:51,617 Oh, her words, not mine. 254 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,044 -Bart... -She believed in me. 255 00:11:53,196 --> 00:11:55,213 And now I believe in myself. 256 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,623 And I'll tell you something crazy: I loved getting that "A." 257 00:11:57,718 --> 00:11:59,959 Which means, you know what? Suddenly, I get you. 258 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,961 You don't suck. 259 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,297 You not only don't suck, you believe in my potential, too. 260 00:12:04,466 --> 00:12:05,390 Don't you? 261 00:12:05,541 --> 00:12:07,559 (groans) 262 00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:09,302 We're just two smart kids. 263 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,970 I... I... I... 264 00:12:11,122 --> 00:12:12,397 (groans) Okay. 265 00:12:12,548 --> 00:12:14,065 I believe in you, too. 266 00:12:14,217 --> 00:12:17,736 And I have nothing more to say except... (grunts) 267 00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:19,887 Nothing but... (groans) 268 00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:22,240 Which is worse, to be cruel or to lie? 269 00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:24,150 They're both great, just like us. 270 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,818 Two smart kids. 271 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,487 And you know what I'm gonna do now? 272 00:12:27,639 --> 00:12:30,248 I'm gonna change someone else's life for the better. 273 00:12:30,475 --> 00:12:31,657 (cash register dings) 274 00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,476 BART: Willie? 275 00:12:33,495 --> 00:12:34,827 I heard-- can't say where-- 276 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,570 that you're actually pretty lonely. 277 00:12:36,664 --> 00:12:38,498 So I got you this little guy. 278 00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,483 A Scotsman lonely? 279 00:12:40,502 --> 00:12:41,760 Bannocks to that! 280 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,988 But I will take your wee coney... 281 00:12:45,006 --> 00:12:46,973 for me evening stew! 282 00:12:50,662 --> 00:12:52,419 Do you like your stew? 283 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:55,999 It's got lots of extra carrots for a growing bunny. 284 00:12:56,092 --> 00:12:58,109 And when you grow fat enough, 285 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,095 I'll stick you in a bubbling pot of water... 286 00:13:01,189 --> 00:13:03,448 for your Saturday bath. 287 00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:04,949 Oh, I love you. 288 00:13:05,101 --> 00:13:08,344 (groans) This lie has made Bart a new man. 289 00:13:08,363 --> 00:13:11,014 And it's giving me anxiety attacks. 290 00:13:11,107 --> 00:13:12,698 (hyperventilating) 291 00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,775 Relax. Relax. 292 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:17,444 Ugh, so anxious. (screams) 293 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:20,039 -What's this? -You've got bumpies! 294 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,801 Let me give you some lotion. 295 00:13:24,954 --> 00:13:26,137 I'll be fine. 296 00:13:26,364 --> 00:13:28,881 I just need a calming bath and a good night's sleep. 297 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,643 (gentle music playing) 298 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,966 (chanting): Om... om... 299 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,968 Oh, my God! 300 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,321 I'm helping him live a lie that may ruin him! 301 00:13:44,899 --> 00:13:49,052 Hmm. Sometimes tension hives are the result of inner stress. 302 00:13:49,145 --> 00:13:51,387 Is anything bothering you, young lady? 303 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,498 Just the usual-- global disasters, 304 00:13:53,649 --> 00:13:55,834 artificial intelligence taking over, 305 00:13:56,061 --> 00:13:58,578 the cold, dead eyes of Mike Pence. 306 00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:01,840 Hmm. Well, I could refer you to psychological counseling, 307 00:14:01,991 --> 00:14:03,490 but why fix what you can numb? 308 00:14:03,659 --> 00:14:06,493 So I'm gonna prescribe some Sleepy and Dopey's 309 00:14:06,662 --> 00:14:08,513 children's chewable Xanax. 310 00:14:08,740 --> 00:14:10,348 (laughs) 311 00:14:10,499 --> 00:14:12,684 I don't want my daughter on meds. 312 00:14:12,911 --> 00:14:14,577 You seem upset, Marge. 313 00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:16,187 Talk to your doctor about Troxodone. 314 00:14:16,414 --> 00:14:17,730 You are my doctor. 315 00:14:17,916 --> 00:14:20,007 Well, well, well. Fancy that. 316 00:14:20,176 --> 00:14:21,175 (laughs) 317 00:14:21,344 --> 00:14:22,694 This is gonna turn your life 318 00:14:22,921 --> 00:14:25,104 into an oasis of peaceful zombitude. 319 00:14:25,256 --> 00:14:27,014 Side effects may include bleeding out your ears, 320 00:14:27,183 --> 00:14:28,533 Portuguese insolence, wandering eyebrow, 321 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,593 intense longing for death, and seeing yourself 322 00:14:30,612 --> 00:14:32,579 as others see you. (laughs) 323 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:36,690 When the last student finishes using the lice comb, 324 00:14:36,784 --> 00:14:38,251 please pass it back up. 325 00:14:41,864 --> 00:14:43,882 Now our major award of the day. 326 00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:45,291 For me? 327 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:49,295 But my shelves are already groaning with kudos. 328 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,963 -Not for you. -Aw. 329 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,798 For the only student who's shown dramatic improvement 330 00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:55,118 in the history of this school: Bart Simpson! 331 00:14:55,136 --> 00:14:56,969 -Let's hear it for him. -(student coughs) 332 00:14:57,138 --> 00:14:59,956 I'll take names if I don't hear cheers. 333 00:15:00,049 --> 00:15:03,142 STUDENTS (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 334 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:06,237 I just want to say thank you, Mrs. K. 335 00:15:06,389 --> 00:15:08,489 You wrote the book on teaching. 336 00:15:09,725 --> 00:15:12,059 And now, his sister, Lisa Simpson, 337 00:15:12,228 --> 00:15:15,079 will lead us in a round of "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow." 338 00:15:15,265 --> 00:15:16,664 What? 339 00:15:17,825 --> 00:15:20,143 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪ 340 00:15:20,236 --> 00:15:23,713 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... ♪ 341 00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,315 To the laser tag water park! 342 00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:27,717 (students cheering) 343 00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:33,640 Take the freeway! It's quicker! 344 00:15:35,994 --> 00:15:37,936 ♪ All of it's based on a lie ♪ 345 00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,163 ♪ All of it's based on a lie ♪ 346 00:15:40,331 --> 00:15:42,273 ♪ For he's a jolly big phony ♪ 347 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,776 ♪ And only I know why. ♪ 348 00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:47,278 (clears throat) Assembly item number two: 349 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,930 -don't take drugs. -I don't! 350 00:15:50,024 --> 00:15:51,991 Our most successful assembly ever. 351 00:15:56,772 --> 00:15:58,272 Thanks to Mrs. K, I fear nothing. Not even long division. 352 00:15:58,366 --> 00:15:59,307 Hmm. 353 00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:00,533 What if there's a remainder? 354 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,794 Still a little scary. 355 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:05,354 You wanted to do well, but you're not even studying. 356 00:16:05,448 --> 00:16:07,340 You don't have to study when you're on a roll. 357 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,041 You heard them cheering me. 358 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,377 STUDENTS (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! Not Lisa! 359 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,362 I wish you hadn't had them do that. 360 00:16:13,531 --> 00:16:14,880 You know what I'm gonna do now? 361 00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,141 I'm gonna enter the spelling bee. 362 00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,961 Um, really? Just like that? 363 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,872 How about a little reality check? 364 00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:24,724 Spell "pneumatic." 365 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:25,942 No problem. 366 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,303 You're gonna start it with an "N," aren't you? 367 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,230 I'll know when the spotlight hits me. 368 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,973 Two smart kids. 369 00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:35,994 Bart, spelling bees are very public. 370 00:16:36,254 --> 00:16:39,555 So if, by some fluke, you don't do well, 371 00:16:39,724 --> 00:16:42,575 you'll be embarrassed in front of the whole school. 372 00:16:42,727 --> 00:16:46,562 Worse than the time you sat on the peanut butter cup. 373 00:16:46,731 --> 00:16:48,080 People knew what it was. 374 00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:49,674 No, they didn't. 375 00:16:51,402 --> 00:16:54,237 LISA: Let him learn his lesson. Let him gain from it. 376 00:16:54,330 --> 00:16:55,847 It's not up to you to save him. 377 00:16:56,074 --> 00:16:57,573 (gasps) 378 00:16:57,666 --> 00:16:59,500 The first contestant is our most-improved student, 379 00:16:59,668 --> 00:17:02,854 Bart Simpson, and the word is "interlude." 380 00:17:03,081 --> 00:17:05,672 Um, can you use it in a sentence? 381 00:17:05,841 --> 00:17:07,767 I need an interlude with my brother! 382 00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,344 I have to explain something. 383 00:17:10,513 --> 00:17:12,196 Obsolescence-- O-B... 384 00:17:12,423 --> 00:17:14,440 You don't have to explain. It's totally understandable. 385 00:17:14,592 --> 00:17:17,276 You're just jealous. I used to be a mixed-up kid like you. 386 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,537 You're just not reading the right diaries. 387 00:17:19,764 --> 00:17:21,113 MILHOUSE: Obsequious... 388 00:17:21,266 --> 00:17:24,024 Bart, there's a page in the diary you didn't read yet. 389 00:17:24,118 --> 00:17:26,193 (inhales) I'm sorry. 390 00:17:26,362 --> 00:17:27,603 I'm so sorry. 391 00:17:27,696 --> 00:17:29,255 I just don't want you hurt. 392 00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:33,959 "My special little guy has the fluffiest tail"? 393 00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,203 Still think she's talking about you? 394 00:17:36,297 --> 00:17:38,389 Could be. I played a reindeer in the school play. 395 00:17:38,616 --> 00:17:40,466 Which was weird, because it wasn't a Christmas play. 396 00:17:40,635 --> 00:17:41,634 Keep reading. 397 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,469 "Purring when I pet him"? 398 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:44,970 "Scratching at the bell on his collar"? 399 00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,790 "Always using his litter box appropriately"? 400 00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:50,217 Oh, it wasn't me who had potential. 401 00:17:50,386 --> 00:17:52,653 It's a frickin' cat! 402 00:17:54,299 --> 00:17:56,824 (whimpering) 403 00:17:57,893 --> 00:17:58,968 (gasps) 404 00:17:59,061 --> 00:18:01,487 (whimpering) 405 00:18:01,656 --> 00:18:03,664 Oh. No bumps. 406 00:18:04,826 --> 00:18:07,234 -I brought you dinner. -Don't want it. 407 00:18:07,328 --> 00:18:09,587 I'm just a loser kid, and that's all I will ever be. 408 00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:11,163 Oh, honey... 409 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,590 Mom, I'm gonna go over the edge 410 00:18:12,817 --> 00:18:14,500 if you try to make me feel better right now. 411 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,302 Hmm... 412 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,341 So, I understand 413 00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:24,936 you've been reading Edna's diary. 414 00:18:25,163 --> 00:18:26,771 Yeah, I'm sorry. 415 00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:29,273 I sure hope there's something in the Bible about forgiveness. 416 00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:31,425 Son, I'm not here to judge you. 417 00:18:31,519 --> 00:18:33,336 Curiosity is one of the devil's sharpest tools. 418 00:18:33,354 --> 00:18:35,688 That's why I don't even look down in the shower. 419 00:18:35,857 --> 00:18:38,116 Eyes always up into God's scalding water. 420 00:18:38,343 --> 00:18:40,025 (chuckles) 421 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,011 Okay, I'll get to the point. I'm here to tell you 422 00:18:42,029 --> 00:18:43,770 something that might make you feel better. 423 00:18:43,865 --> 00:18:45,289 Did you know Edna and I once 424 00:18:45,516 --> 00:18:47,441 were thinking of leaving Springfield? 425 00:18:47,535 --> 00:18:48,960 Oh, I feel so much better. 426 00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:51,704 How does he do it? I don't know! 427 00:18:51,856 --> 00:18:53,372 But the fact is we didn't move. 428 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,799 We had a family meeting. 429 00:18:55,059 --> 00:18:56,692 It was Todd's turn at the gavel. 430 00:18:56,861 --> 00:18:58,785 TODD: Order! Order! 431 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,973 Now, we can't leave Springfield unless it's unanimous. Todd? 432 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,033 TODD: I vote "yes." I can finally get away 433 00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:05,868 from that ladybug that scares me. 434 00:19:06,037 --> 00:19:09,872 I'm tired of Mr. Simpson peeing in our bird bath. 435 00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:13,225 Well, that's one, two, three, and... 436 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,060 I have to stay here in Springfield, 437 00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:17,137 because boys like Bart Simpson need me. 438 00:19:17,231 --> 00:19:19,548 Sweet, misunderstood boys, 439 00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:22,309 who just need someone to recognize the basic goodness 440 00:19:22,403 --> 00:19:24,144 that's trapped inside them 441 00:19:24,238 --> 00:19:26,980 and is desperately trying to get out. 442 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,315 (sneezes) 443 00:19:28,409 --> 00:19:30,168 She was allergic to the cat, but, uh, 444 00:19:30,395 --> 00:19:32,244 you were nothing to sneeze at, son. 445 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,580 Well, did that help? 446 00:19:34,732 --> 00:19:35,915 Yeah! 447 00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,658 Now let us give thanks. 448 00:19:37,826 --> 00:19:40,069 If only people stopped when they made their point. 449 00:19:40,162 --> 00:19:41,345 But thanks. 450 00:19:41,572 --> 00:19:43,422 And this belongs to you. 451 00:19:43,574 --> 00:19:44,998 You might want to read it. 452 00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:46,517 You come off pretty well. 453 00:19:46,744 --> 00:19:49,187 No sirree, Bob. Those are Edna's private thoughts, 454 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,480 and they're gonna stay private. 455 00:19:52,583 --> 00:19:53,840 Did you fix Bart? 456 00:19:54,009 --> 00:19:55,008 Yep. 457 00:19:55,177 --> 00:19:56,435 What's in your hand? 458 00:19:56,587 --> 00:19:58,771 Uh, uh, nothing. 459 00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,348 ♪ ♪ 460 00:20:01,442 --> 00:20:03,275 "Now that I've been with Ned a year, 461 00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,444 he's made my life a living..." 462 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,331 I'll think of a penance. 463 00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:11,709 "Dream come true." 464 00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:14,453 Oh. (sniffles) Now I got to clean my specs. 465 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:15,963 Thanks, Edna. 466 00:20:20,795 --> 00:20:24,797 ♪ I found her diary underneath a tree ♪ 467 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:29,185 ♪ And started reading about me ♪ 468 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:35,432 ♪ The words she'd written took me by surprise ♪ 469 00:20:35,585 --> 00:20:39,478 ♪ You'd never read them in her eyes ♪ 470 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:45,409 ♪ All the sweet things they can find. ♪ 471 00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:50,289 ♪ 472 00:20:58,316 --> 00:21:00,258 (singers vocalizing) 473 00:21:22,673 --> 00:21:25,098 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 474 00:21:25,192 --> 00:21:27,009 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 475 00:21:27,102 --> 00:21:28,935 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 476 00:21:29,030 --> 00:21:30,496 Shh! 477 00:21:32,941 --> 00:21:35,876 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org