1
00:00:03,078 --> 00:00:04,378
(bird caws)
2
00:00:06,415 --> 00:00:11,010
SEVERAL MEN:
♪ Happy birthday, dear Carl ♪
3
00:00:11,237 --> 00:00:14,996
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
4
00:00:15,090 --> 00:00:18,183
LENNY:
♪ And Lenny More... ♪
5
00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:21,428
Carl, for your birthday,
I oiled your barstool.
6
00:00:21,597 --> 00:00:23,171
(groans)
7
00:00:23,265 --> 00:00:24,189
-(Carl retches)
-(phone vibrates)
8
00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:26,433
-Y'ello.
-It's me, Homer.
9
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,361
Marge, I'm so sorry
I'm still here.
10
00:00:29,588 --> 00:00:32,197
It's just, it's Carl's birthday.
11
00:00:32,424 --> 00:00:33,866
Right. It's Carl's birthday.
12
00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:35,868
Then it's Lenny's half birthday.
13
00:00:36,095 --> 00:00:37,944
Then it's Canadian Thanksgiving.
14
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:40,873
Don't forget Tu BiShvat,
the Jewish Arbor Day.
15
00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:44,025
(groans) Just don't
drive home drunk, Homer.
16
00:00:44,119 --> 00:00:45,435
I'm serious.
17
00:00:45,604 --> 00:00:46,937
(groaning)
18
00:00:47,030 --> 00:00:49,048
Sometimes there's advantages
to living and dying alone.
19
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:52,292
I could drive off a cliff,
free as a bird.
20
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,720
I'm heading home now.
21
00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:56,963
-Moe, take my keys.
-Yeah, you got it, pal.
22
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,283
I'll keep 'em safe
till you're sober.
23
00:00:59,301 --> 00:01:00,801
Make me two sets of these
24
00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:02,394
and get 'em to me
by closing time.
25
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,063
(chuckles slyly)
26
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,956
(grunting drunkenly)
27
00:01:06,049 --> 00:01:08,984
Homer, Homer,
let-let me call you an Uber.
28
00:01:10,554 --> 00:01:12,296
Are you, uh...
29
00:01:12,389 --> 00:01:13,480
Homer?
30
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,991
Geez, you're better off walking.
31
00:01:18,821 --> 00:01:20,304
Take me to Moe's.
32
00:01:20,397 --> 00:01:21,638
Hey. We're here.
33
00:01:21,807 --> 00:01:23,874
You're good. Five stars.
34
00:01:24,977 --> 00:01:28,087
♪ There's liquor on my brain ♪
35
00:01:28,314 --> 00:01:31,832
♪ I'm peeing in the drain ♪
36
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:35,076
♪ What a glorious feeling ♪
37
00:01:35,170 --> 00:01:38,839
♪ I'm blotto again ♪
38
00:01:39,007 --> 00:01:42,250
♪ I'm talking too loud ♪
39
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:45,495
-♪ Being friendly with Kirk ♪
-(yells)
40
00:01:45,664 --> 00:01:48,590
♪ There's no way in hell ♪
41
00:01:48,684 --> 00:01:51,985
♪ I'll be ready for work. ♪
42
00:01:53,355 --> 00:01:55,489
We have other cops in this town?
43
00:01:58,101 --> 00:02:01,269
Marge, um, you see,
there's a little hitch.
44
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:03,029
I'm in jail...
45
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,124
I knew it.
I knew you'd screw up.
46
00:02:05,351 --> 00:02:07,793
I wasn't driving. I was walking.
47
00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:11,021
I wasn't a danger,
just a disgrace.
48
00:02:11,156 --> 00:02:12,631
Don't come home tonight.
49
00:02:12,858 --> 00:02:14,383
-But...
-Just don't.
50
00:02:15,861 --> 00:02:17,219
(groans)
51
00:02:18,288 --> 00:02:20,472
(sobbing)
52
00:02:20,699 --> 00:02:24,050
I always thought that
rock bottom would feel more fun.
53
00:02:24,203 --> 00:02:26,720
Well, sometimes
when you're at rock bottom,
54
00:02:26,872 --> 00:02:29,890
anywhere you look,
you can see the stars.
55
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:32,151
-Cletus!
-Hiya, friend.
56
00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:34,728
What you said is very wise.
57
00:02:34,897 --> 00:02:36,897
Well, I went to M.I.T.T.
58
00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:39,825
The Mississippi Institute
of Trailer Trash.
59
00:02:40,052 --> 00:02:41,234
Go, Book Burners.
60
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:43,236
-(chuckles)
-What are you in for?
61
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:45,722
Oh, cops don't respect
us hill folk.
62
00:02:45,815 --> 00:02:48,316
Every three months,
they shut down my still
63
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,002
and take the hooch.
64
00:02:51,079 --> 00:02:53,747
Hey, this moonshine
made me go blind!
65
00:02:53,899 --> 00:02:56,082
Oh, wait,
my hat's just over my eyes.
66
00:02:56,251 --> 00:02:57,659
(chuckles)
67
00:02:57,753 --> 00:02:59,419
Oh, wait. I am blind.
68
00:02:59,588 --> 00:03:01,346
At least your wife's
not mad at you.
69
00:03:01,498 --> 00:03:02,681
Aw, well.
70
00:03:02,832 --> 00:03:06,185
Hey, Officer!
This prison got itself a guitar?
71
00:03:06,412 --> 00:03:07,519
Of course.
72
00:03:07,746 --> 00:03:09,938
Yeah, I prefer acoustic.
73
00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:15,510
Well, since neither of us
can be home tonight,
74
00:03:15,604 --> 00:03:17,845
let me bring home to us.
75
00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:23,202
♪ I had all the wealth
that a man could want ♪
76
00:03:23,353 --> 00:03:24,778
♪ A wife and some kids ♪
77
00:03:24,947 --> 00:03:28,373
♪ Who love me ♪
78
00:03:28,525 --> 00:03:30,116
♪ Apple blossoms ♪
79
00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:32,544
♪ And tasty possums ♪
80
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,121
♪ And the good Lord ♪
81
00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:37,090
♪ Up above me ♪
82
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(sobbing)
83
00:03:38,293 --> 00:03:41,795
♪ Fort Knox don't compare ♪
84
00:03:41,964 --> 00:03:44,114
♪ To what we got there ♪
85
00:03:44,207 --> 00:03:47,726
♪ 'Cause our home is where ♪
86
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:52,564
♪ My gold is. ♪
87
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,641
Yes, it is.
88
00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:58,795
Officer Lou, does this jail have
a self-reflection mirror?
89
00:03:58,964 --> 00:04:00,797
Here you go.
90
00:04:00,966 --> 00:04:02,632
I got to be a better man.
91
00:04:02,651 --> 00:04:04,576
For Marge and the kids
and Grampa
92
00:04:04,803 --> 00:04:06,152
and the dog.
93
00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,637
Don't you have a cat?
94
00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:09,164
Screw the cat.
95
00:04:11,977 --> 00:04:13,643
Kids?
96
00:04:13,662 --> 00:04:15,045
Wake up.
97
00:04:16,331 --> 00:04:18,906
I've got
something important to say.
98
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,908
Now, I've got a confession
to make.
99
00:04:21,003 --> 00:04:25,079
Your father spent last night
in the drunk tank.
100
00:04:25,173 --> 00:04:28,416
-Pay up, Lis.
-Oh, why do I keep betting on
101
00:04:28,510 --> 00:04:31,252
"working late to pay
for my college"?
102
00:04:31,346 --> 00:04:33,087
Well, from now on,
put your money on
103
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:35,757
"comes home
and sets a perfect example."
104
00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:37,425
Good morning, Homer.
105
00:04:37,594 --> 00:04:40,094
Young man, stand up
when a lady enters the room.
106
00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:42,096
Especially a fine woman
like your ma.
107
00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:43,431
You still pickled?
108
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,200
On your feet, boy!
109
00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:48,102
Gee, thank you, Homie.
110
00:04:48,196 --> 00:04:49,937
I'm a changed man, Marge.
111
00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:51,939
Now, let us join hands
in prayer.
112
00:04:52,108 --> 00:04:53,941
Are we gonna get food after?
113
00:04:54,110 --> 00:04:55,943
-No.
-Did somebody croak?
114
00:04:56,112 --> 00:04:58,021
-No.
-Did you buy a Powerball ticket?
115
00:04:58,114 --> 00:05:01,008
I just want to say
a lousy prayer, okay?!
116
00:05:02,285 --> 00:05:04,711
Lord, we humbly ask you
to bless this family
117
00:05:04,863 --> 00:05:06,880
and keep us mindful
to care one for the other.
118
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,122
Amen.
119
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:09,699
OTHERS:
Amen.
120
00:05:09,793 --> 00:05:12,035
Sweetie, what's gotten into you?
121
00:05:12,128 --> 00:05:14,554
I'm a new, better man,
thanks to Cletus.
122
00:05:14,706 --> 00:05:16,222
Huh. You know what?
123
00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:17,891
I believe you.
124
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,377
HOMER:
And that was that.
125
00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:22,896
♪ ♪
126
00:05:23,048 --> 00:05:24,898
Whoa, whoa, whoa. We ain't done.
127
00:05:25,050 --> 00:05:26,641
We got two more acts.
128
00:05:26,735 --> 00:05:28,735
And a "whittled by" credit.
129
00:05:28,887 --> 00:05:30,829
(upbeat, melodic whistling)
130
00:05:36,728 --> 00:05:38,728
Hi, Homie. Remember anything
from last night?
131
00:05:38,897 --> 00:05:40,897
I remember I'm a better man.
132
00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:42,732
(gasps)
It stuck!
133
00:05:42,826 --> 00:05:45,752
I don't forget important things.
134
00:05:45,921 --> 00:05:47,161
Where the hell's my car?
135
00:05:47,330 --> 00:05:48,830
(chuckles)
136
00:05:48,924 --> 00:05:52,500
Just once, I wanted to feel
like a man who owned a car.
137
00:05:52,594 --> 00:05:54,811
(laughs)
138
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:02,844
Marge, kids, this is the man
that turned me around.
139
00:06:03,012 --> 00:06:04,512
What, this goober?
140
00:06:04,681 --> 00:06:07,348
No, my wife's family is Goobers.
141
00:06:07,517 --> 00:06:10,351
I come from a long line
of No-Accounts.
142
00:06:10,445 --> 00:06:11,611
(Cletus chuckles)
143
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,279
♪ I woke from my dreamin' ♪
144
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:15,857
♪ With my love, Brandine ♪
145
00:06:15,951 --> 00:06:17,951
-(pig squeals)
-♪ The gal I got pregnant ♪
146
00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:21,788
♪ When we was 16. ♪
147
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:27,127
Aw. No one sweet-talks me
like you, goat lips.
148
00:06:27,295 --> 00:06:29,304
(loud smooching)
149
00:06:31,708 --> 00:06:34,134
Cletus, you changed my life.
150
00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:37,120
How would you like for me
to change yours?
151
00:06:37,213 --> 00:06:39,898
You ain't pitchin' me
on a pyramid scheme, is you?
152
00:06:40,049 --> 00:06:42,459
'Cause if so, I'm in.
153
00:06:42,552 --> 00:06:45,737
No, no, no. The world's got
to hear what you've got to say.
154
00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:48,798
Well, I'll be daggadoobedubbit.
155
00:06:48,892 --> 00:06:50,742
Why'd you bring me
to a parking lot?
156
00:06:50,969 --> 00:06:52,911
Hey, if it's to find baby names,
157
00:06:53,138 --> 00:06:56,990
I already gots Camry,
Festiva, Compact Only
158
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,658
and Denver Boot.
159
00:06:58,827 --> 00:07:00,160
No, no, no.
160
00:07:00,328 --> 00:07:03,964
We're gonna start
your singing career right here.
161
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,968
(bellowing)
162
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:12,338
S-Singing career?
163
00:07:12,507 --> 00:07:14,933
If you can reach an audience
the way you reached me...
164
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,768
Did you ever see A Star Is Born
165
00:07:16,995 --> 00:07:18,770
with Bradley Cooper
and Lady Gaga?
166
00:07:18,997 --> 00:07:22,089
-No.
-How about with Barbra Streisand
and Kris Kristofferson?
167
00:07:22,184 --> 00:07:24,926
-No, sir.
-James Mason and Judy Garland?
168
00:07:25,020 --> 00:07:28,095
Oh, no.
Just What Price Hollywood?
169
00:07:28,190 --> 00:07:30,282
with Constance Bennett
and Lowell Sherman,
170
00:07:30,509 --> 00:07:33,118
upon which A Star Is Born
is based.
171
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:36,529
Whatever. I can make you a star.
172
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,956
My pappy's gon' manage you.
173
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,532
Whoa diggity!
174
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:42,702
Your future's brighter
than a polecat in a henhouse.
175
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,854
Hey, if you're
gonna speak hillbilly,
176
00:07:44,948 --> 00:07:46,873
practice your enuncification.
177
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:50,802
Use your adverbs proper-like,
dad gummitly.
178
00:07:51,029 --> 00:07:53,379
-Yes'm.
-We's powerful sorry.
179
00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:56,049
Well, I do need to find a way
to make a living,
180
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,884
since Wiggum shut me down.
181
00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,812
And I swore I would
never go back to retail--
182
00:08:00,964 --> 00:08:03,464
which means putting tails back
on animals.
183
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:05,709
You got any experience?
184
00:08:05,802 --> 00:08:08,044
(quietly):
I once managed
a beautiful woman
185
00:08:08,137 --> 00:08:10,046
who was not my wife.
186
00:08:10,139 --> 00:08:12,065
It ended the way you'd expect.
187
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,808
12 gold records.
188
00:08:13,902 --> 00:08:15,309
(Marge groans)
189
00:08:15,403 --> 00:08:17,737
But I promise I'll always
shoot straight with you,
190
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,572
unless we're actually using
real guns.
191
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:22,058
In which case I always
blast randomly in a circle.
192
00:08:22,227 --> 00:08:23,502
Do we have a deal?
193
00:08:23,729 --> 00:08:26,246
Whoa, not so fast there.
194
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:28,565
Show business has screwed up
a lot of country folk,
195
00:08:28,658 --> 00:08:30,157
from Elvis to Britney.
196
00:08:30,326 --> 00:08:31,584
And Mister Ed.
197
00:08:31,737 --> 00:08:34,513
Did you know that he was
a heroin addict?
198
00:08:34,740 --> 00:08:36,256
A horse on horse?
199
00:08:36,408 --> 00:08:38,016
Of course, of course.
200
00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:39,851
Look, I'll do the dirty work.
201
00:08:40,078 --> 00:08:41,853
Now, here's
the standard contract.
202
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,855
CLETUS:
Hmm.
203
00:08:44,082 --> 00:08:46,007
Well, let me just give this
a quick gander.
204
00:08:46,101 --> 00:08:47,174
Come here, gander.
205
00:08:47,343 --> 00:08:48,676
-(honking)
-(grunting)
206
00:08:48,845 --> 00:08:50,612
Okay, yeah, all right.
We got a deal.
207
00:08:54,092 --> 00:08:55,349
(upbeat song playing)
208
00:08:55,518 --> 00:08:57,160
(song ends)
209
00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,946
HOMER:
Mm-hmm.
210
00:09:00,098 --> 00:09:02,115
Homie, should our kids be here
this late?
211
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,858
I'm a family man now.
212
00:09:03,952 --> 00:09:06,619
And a family man does things
with his family.
213
00:09:06,788 --> 00:09:08,955
-I have math homework.
-Do it at the bar.
214
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,123
Okay, let's see.
215
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,959
I've got to draw
a perfect circle.
216
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,127
MAN:
There you go.
217
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:15,703
Th-Thank you.
218
00:09:15,797 --> 00:09:17,130
Uh, follow me, boys.
219
00:09:17,299 --> 00:09:18,539
A-one and a-two,
220
00:09:18,633 --> 00:09:20,800
-and a-one and a-two and a...
-(whispers)
221
00:09:20,969 --> 00:09:24,304
Three? When did that happen?
222
00:09:24,472 --> 00:09:26,481
(playing up-tempo beat)
223
00:09:28,384 --> 00:09:29,976
♪ Out in the country ♪
224
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,811
♪ They ain't no nine-to-five ♪
225
00:09:31,980 --> 00:09:33,646
♪ We don't get promoted ♪
226
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,481
♪ It's a fight to stay alive ♪
227
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:38,076
♪ We lean on our family ♪
228
00:09:38,227 --> 00:09:40,078
♪ When times is gettin' hard ♪
229
00:09:40,305 --> 00:09:42,155
♪ We're broke and we're dirty ♪
230
00:09:42,324 --> 00:09:44,082
♪ And we ain't too smart, mm ♪
231
00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:46,142
♪ But hey, hey ♪
232
00:09:46,161 --> 00:09:48,235
♪ Here's what I got to say ♪
233
00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:50,163
♪ You can keep your mansions ♪
234
00:09:50,332 --> 00:09:52,424
♪ And you can keep your yachts ♪
235
00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:55,652
♪ I ain't needin' nothin'
'cept for everything I gots ♪
236
00:09:55,821 --> 00:09:57,078
♪ And I thank the Lord
for that ♪
237
00:09:57,172 --> 00:09:58,655
That's me.
238
00:09:58,673 --> 00:10:01,157
♪ When I count my blessings
every night ♪
239
00:10:01,176 --> 00:10:03,176
♪ Got my wife and my kids
and a belly full of ribs ♪
240
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,936
♪ Lord up above
and a whole lot of love ♪
241
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,272
♪ Wife and my kids
and a belly full of ribs ♪
242
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,274
♪ And I thank the Lord above. ♪
243
00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:10,925
#RisingStar.
244
00:10:11,019 --> 00:10:12,502
#FleetwoodHick.
245
00:10:12,595 --> 00:10:14,762
#KanyeWestVirginia.
246
00:10:14,856 --> 00:10:16,506
#YokelOno.
247
00:10:16,599 --> 00:10:18,508
#OkefenokeeKaraoke.
248
00:10:18,601 --> 00:10:19,993
And send.
249
00:10:23,606 --> 00:10:25,957
(humming a tune)
250
00:10:26,184 --> 00:10:28,701
Ah, Elin,
I thought I'd find you dancing.
251
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,204
Yes, I'm exactly as I seem.
252
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,798
-Well, I--
-Quiet! (sniffs)
253
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,525
Someone's getting clicks.
254
00:10:35,694 --> 00:10:38,619
Our next guest is
from America's heartland.
255
00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,254
Up-bup-bup!
256
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,724
Not on my white furniture,
please.
257
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,147
(cheering, applause)
258
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:51,875
(louder cheering)
259
00:10:52,043 --> 00:10:53,634
Not loud enough!
Not loud enough!
260
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:55,044
Don't make me make you dance!
261
00:10:55,213 --> 00:10:57,230
(murmuring)
262
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,306
Get me a new audience.
263
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,784
(all screaming)
264
00:11:05,891 --> 00:11:07,223
Howdy do, Elin?
265
00:11:07,392 --> 00:11:09,817
You sure do look different
in person than you do
266
00:11:09,911 --> 00:11:11,986
in them Finding Nemo movies.
267
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,230
(laughs) You know, Cletus,
I've heard your fans
268
00:11:14,399 --> 00:11:16,157
will do anything you say.
269
00:11:16,325 --> 00:11:18,234
Oh, that can't be true.
270
00:11:18,327 --> 00:11:20,327
-Try it.
-Nah, go on.
271
00:11:20,496 --> 00:11:22,329
It's my show. Do as I say.
272
00:11:22,424 --> 00:11:26,167
Well, Elin, we got ourselves
a police chief
273
00:11:26,261 --> 00:11:28,169
in our town
by the name of Wiggum.
274
00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:30,763
Now, I ain't got nothing
agin him, mind you,
275
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:34,567
but if you is my fans, here's
what I want you to do to him.
276
00:11:36,421 --> 00:11:38,846
Something is going on here.
277
00:11:39,015 --> 00:11:40,606
Something weird.
278
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:43,184
Okay, help. Police!
279
00:11:43,278 --> 00:11:46,162
(sighs) Never a cop around
when you need one.
280
00:11:51,453 --> 00:11:53,211
Well, I want to thank you,
my friend.
281
00:11:53,362 --> 00:11:54,879
You changed my life.
282
00:11:55,106 --> 00:11:57,364
I was nothing but a zero
when I met you,
283
00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:59,884
but now I'm ten times that.
284
00:12:00,036 --> 00:12:01,368
Come here, you.
285
00:12:01,463 --> 00:12:03,430
(grunting)
286
00:12:06,209 --> 00:12:08,143
Homer, stand up.
287
00:12:09,804 --> 00:12:12,138
I want you to know
that I'm firing you
288
00:12:12,307 --> 00:12:14,715
and I'm replacing you
with a professional.
289
00:12:14,809 --> 00:12:16,901
Aw, nothing ever good happens
when you talk
290
00:12:17,128 --> 00:12:19,279
to the person sitting
next to you on an airplane.
291
00:12:24,227 --> 00:12:25,910
Uh, Homer, this here is a feller
292
00:12:26,062 --> 00:12:28,413
what wants to be my new manager.
293
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,823
-And you're letting him?
-Yeah, I don't know why.
294
00:12:30,992 --> 00:12:33,643
There's just, there's something
about him, you know?
295
00:12:33,812 --> 00:12:36,087
Cletus, Cletus.
296
00:12:36,314 --> 00:12:38,314
Listen to how I say this.
297
00:12:38,407 --> 00:12:40,925
It's something everyone says,
but when I say it,
298
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:45,412
you will never hear it like this
as long as you live.
299
00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:47,414
I make it very special.
300
00:12:47,509 --> 00:12:48,433
How are you?
301
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:50,918
Ooh, I just got goose bumps.
302
00:12:51,012 --> 00:12:52,270
Say it again.
303
00:12:52,497 --> 00:12:54,998
No. Listen to me. I love you.
304
00:12:55,016 --> 00:12:56,775
I am in love with you.
This is real.
305
00:12:57,002 --> 00:12:59,335
Once you sign with me,
you can call me up at 3:00
306
00:12:59,428 --> 00:13:01,112
in the morning-- I won't be mad.
307
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:04,007
I'll say, "What's wrong, boobie?
I love you."
308
00:13:04,025 --> 00:13:07,193
-(whoops)
-I can't believe you're thinking
of signing with him.
309
00:13:07,362 --> 00:13:09,788
The way you changed my life
when we were in jail?
310
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,289
That means nothing to you?
311
00:13:11,516 --> 00:13:14,400
My friend, what happens in jail
stays in jail.
312
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:15,960
Unless it's breaking
out of jail.
313
00:13:16,187 --> 00:13:18,354
Well, all I have to offer
is my friendship
314
00:13:18,447 --> 00:13:20,948
and the fact that you wouldn't
be here if not for me.
315
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,359
That's your closer?
That's pitiful.
316
00:13:23,452 --> 00:13:24,952
I don't love you.
317
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,196
Here's my closer. Spuckman!
318
00:13:27,365 --> 00:13:28,455
Duffman?
319
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,957
Now I'm Spuckman.
320
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:33,202
Because Duff replaced me
with a hard-partying cat.
321
00:13:33,296 --> 00:13:34,962
Me-ow!
322
00:13:35,056 --> 00:13:37,223
Clifford, we're gonna
market your dreck
323
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,209
as "Spuckler Family Moonshine,"
internationally.
324
00:13:40,378 --> 00:13:41,802
We'll say it's made by people
325
00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:45,472
who actually wash their hands
voluntarily,
326
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,308
not 'cause of some sign.
327
00:13:47,402 --> 00:13:50,386
Hey, man, mine's all brewed
from pure mountain water
328
00:13:50,479 --> 00:13:52,738
from out behind
the DuPont factory.
329
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,648
I'm going to assume
that's a joke.
330
00:13:54,742 --> 00:13:56,059
(laughs)
331
00:13:56,227 --> 00:13:57,669
But fun's for another time.
332
00:13:57,896 --> 00:14:00,580
We're gonna make you bigger
than Campbell's Soup.
333
00:14:00,748 --> 00:14:03,324
Not tomato or chicken noodle.
That would be impossible.
334
00:14:03,492 --> 00:14:05,735
But there's one of them
where they put in potatoes.
335
00:14:05,828 --> 00:14:07,253
We'll make you bigger than that.
336
00:14:07,405 --> 00:14:09,663
Now, why don't you pick
one of these Hollywood actresses
337
00:14:09,832 --> 00:14:11,498
to play your wife
in the commercial?
338
00:14:11,709 --> 00:14:13,184
Anyone you want. Just pick.
339
00:14:13,411 --> 00:14:15,502
Oh, I like this one.
340
00:14:15,597 --> 00:14:17,171
Oh, she'll never work with you.
341
00:14:17,340 --> 00:14:18,339
Pick an ugly one.
342
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,191
Well, what about Brandine?
343
00:14:20,418 --> 00:14:22,509
Aw, she'll always be
my first love
344
00:14:22,604 --> 00:14:24,937
and second cousin.
(exhales)
345
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:27,106
Well, this was
a very good meeting.
346
00:14:27,258 --> 00:14:29,108
And welcome to UPM.
347
00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:31,444
Here's a blank page-- sign it.
348
00:14:31,596 --> 00:14:33,187
We'll fill in the rest.
349
00:14:33,281 --> 00:14:35,022
Give me a hug.
350
00:14:35,191 --> 00:14:36,933
No, that's not a hug.
351
00:14:37,026 --> 00:14:38,692
A Hollywood hug.
352
00:14:38,861 --> 00:14:41,528
-Get him off. Get him off!
-(Cletus groans)
353
00:14:41,697 --> 00:14:45,967
And now your picture goes up
on our wall of fame.
354
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,279
Bert and Ernie? I don't even
think they're living.
355
00:14:50,373 --> 00:14:52,782
Hey, IMDb Bert and Ernie,
will you?
356
00:14:52,951 --> 00:14:54,300
Do puppets die?
357
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,227
Hey, why does the Pope have
no merchandise?
358
00:14:56,379 --> 00:14:58,804
Can't we come up with a little
doohickey you put on your desk
359
00:14:58,973 --> 00:15:01,774
that blows a colored smoke when
you're picked for something?
360
00:15:02,810 --> 00:15:05,052
Everything he taught me
was a lie.
361
00:15:05,146 --> 00:15:07,647
Maybe, but think
what you became.
362
00:15:07,815 --> 00:15:09,315
A better husband.
363
00:15:09,484 --> 00:15:10,816
A better father.
364
00:15:10,985 --> 00:15:12,652
You can still be one.
365
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:13,819
Nah.
366
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:16,822
Hmm. Why are my eyes burnin'?
367
00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:18,658
I'm just whippin' up
another batch
368
00:15:18,826 --> 00:15:20,826
of my homemade family brew.
369
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:24,756
Let my longtime corporate
mascot tell you all about it.
370
00:15:24,983 --> 00:15:27,091
Spuckler Family Moonshine.
371
00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:30,077
Lovingly distilled
in the heart of America.
372
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,338
ANNOUNCER:
Spuckler Family Moonshine
is distilled in Finland.
373
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,599
Not a single American
was employed in its manufacture.
374
00:15:34,826 --> 00:15:35,934
(TV clicks off)
375
00:15:36,161 --> 00:15:37,810
(groans)
376
00:15:40,331 --> 00:15:42,682
You have to help him
get back to his family.
377
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,818
Forget it. I'm through with
those slack-jawed, no-account...
378
00:15:46,004 --> 00:15:50,431
examples of America
at its finest.
379
00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:52,433
He was a great man
until you ruint him.
380
00:15:52,527 --> 00:15:54,619
With your promises
of short underwear
381
00:15:54,846 --> 00:15:56,287
and professional haircuts.
382
00:15:56,514 --> 00:15:58,605
You think you can play God,
383
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:00,792
wreck my life,
and then just walk away?
384
00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:03,686
First of all,
I wasn't playing God.
385
00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:05,630
I was doing
an original character.
386
00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:07,966
Don't worry, we'll fix this.
387
00:16:08,193 --> 00:16:10,193
I don't know how, but we will.
388
00:16:10,286 --> 00:16:13,362
Unless Homer decides to
disregard my wishes completely.
389
00:16:13,531 --> 00:16:15,031
Hmm.
390
00:16:15,124 --> 00:16:16,532
Don't take time!
391
00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:18,393
All right.
392
00:16:22,298 --> 00:16:23,773
(doorbell rings)
393
00:16:24,967 --> 00:16:28,044
What the--?
Aw, I thought we was quits.
394
00:16:28,137 --> 00:16:30,213
Listen, pal,
you've ruined your life.
395
00:16:30,381 --> 00:16:33,049
You haven't just watched A Star
Is Born, you're living it.
396
00:16:33,142 --> 00:16:35,718
No, man.
A Star Is Born is about
397
00:16:35,811 --> 00:16:38,054
a star who fades
and then kills hisself.
398
00:16:38,223 --> 00:16:40,389
This here is much more like
399
00:16:40,558 --> 00:16:43,167
a nice guy
who's seduced by power,
400
00:16:43,353 --> 00:16:46,320
as in Elia Kazan's
A Face in the Crowd.
401
00:16:46,414 --> 00:16:48,231
Dang, that's a good'un.
402
00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:50,324
How do you know
so much about movies?
403
00:16:50,493 --> 00:16:52,902
Oh, well,
Brandine and I once squatted
404
00:16:52,995 --> 00:16:55,162
inside an abandoned Blockbuster.
405
00:16:55,331 --> 00:16:59,559
That's where we conceived
our twins: Be Kind and Rewind.
406
00:17:00,836 --> 00:17:03,337
Forget that. You got to go
back home where you belong.
407
00:17:03,506 --> 00:17:05,672
Also, you owe me $27,000.
408
00:17:05,841 --> 00:17:09,009
Yeah, I'm afraid I donated that
to a children's hospital.
409
00:17:09,178 --> 00:17:10,677
You monster!
410
00:17:10,846 --> 00:17:12,938
Look, Cletus, this isn't you.
411
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,681
What about your family?
412
00:17:14,850 --> 00:17:17,109
Well, my family now is
Carrie Underwood,
413
00:17:17,262 --> 00:17:19,945
Taylor Swift
and all of them Mumfords.
414
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:23,690
And everyone in BTS,
except for Jungkook.
415
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:26,860
(chuckles)
He's too pretty for my tastes.
416
00:17:27,029 --> 00:17:29,121
Cletus,
just answer me one thing:
417
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:32,533
after a long day of yokeling,
don't you miss coming home
418
00:17:32,627 --> 00:17:35,869
to a woman who thinks you're
the most important thing on...
419
00:17:35,963 --> 00:17:37,638
God's green Earth?
420
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,434
Well, uh, now that
you mention it.
421
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:50,810
♪ Then sit by my side ♪
422
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:53,404
♪ If you love me... ♪
423
00:17:53,631 --> 00:17:56,574
No, no, no, no, no more singin'!
424
00:17:56,725 --> 00:17:58,576
Not even talk singin'!
425
00:17:58,803 --> 00:18:00,653
Which is hardly singin' at all,
426
00:18:00,822 --> 00:18:03,823
Mr. Lin-Manuel Miranda.
427
00:18:03,991 --> 00:18:06,659
Oh, Gummy Sue...
428
00:18:06,828 --> 00:18:10,329
Jitney, Uber Black,
Normal Head Joe,
429
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,832
Disney Plus, oh, HBO Max,
430
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,908
CBS All Access!
431
00:18:15,002 --> 00:18:18,930
Oh, man, they's all
so beautiful.
432
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:22,325
(sniffles)
I'm goin' back to my family!
433
00:18:22,343 --> 00:18:24,418
Cancel my tour dates!
434
00:18:24,512 --> 00:18:26,270
Burn my masters!
435
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,272
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
let's not get crazy.
436
00:18:28,499 --> 00:18:30,257
You saved my life, Homer.
437
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:33,502
And then you ruined it,
and then you saved it again.
438
00:18:33,596 --> 00:18:36,739
And for that,
I am forever neutral.
439
00:18:38,843 --> 00:18:40,284
AGENT:
Listen to how I say this.
440
00:18:40,511 --> 00:18:42,453
It's something everybody says,
441
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,771
but I say it better
than anybody else.
442
00:18:44,866 --> 00:18:46,273
How are you?
443
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:48,126
-Well, I don't--
-(shushes)
444
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,794
Don't talk. Just listen.
445
00:18:50,021 --> 00:18:52,371
You're gonna be a brand.
446
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:55,207
I want to tell your stories.
Tell me your story.
447
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,026
Not the person they see
on the court.
448
00:18:57,195 --> 00:19:00,120
Well, my family didn't have
much money, and Daddy used to...
449
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,198
That is so relatable.
450
00:19:02,291 --> 00:19:03,699
Not to me. I'm rich.
451
00:19:03,792 --> 00:19:06,369
But, God, I always wanted
to live in poverty.
452
00:19:06,462 --> 00:19:09,538
Now, all I ask is 15%
of your earnings for life.
453
00:19:09,632 --> 00:19:12,041
Not your whole life.
After 80, it's all yours.
454
00:19:12,134 --> 00:19:15,060
And when you retire, you're
gonna get a Netflix special.
455
00:19:15,229 --> 00:19:17,380
Actually, everybody gets
a Netflix special.
456
00:19:17,548 --> 00:19:18,805
Why do they even call them that?
457
00:19:18,933 --> 00:19:20,974
They should call them
Netflix normals.
458
00:19:21,068 --> 00:19:23,644
You want a Netflix normal?
We'll get it for you.
459
00:19:23,738 --> 00:19:26,389
You want the Obamas to produce?
You got it.
460
00:19:26,482 --> 00:19:28,649
Not Barack or Michelle--
that's impossible.
461
00:19:28,743 --> 00:19:31,169
Check on Malia, please!
462
00:19:31,396 --> 00:19:32,986
Malia.
463
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,730
No, it's not a country!
464
00:19:34,823 --> 00:19:37,917
-Can I just say...?
-(shushing)
465
00:19:38,069 --> 00:19:39,735
You don't have to talk.
466
00:19:39,754 --> 00:19:42,755
Not unless you're getting paid
a million dollars a word.
467
00:19:42,907 --> 00:19:45,349
And some of those words
can be "a" or "the."
468
00:19:45,576 --> 00:19:47,852
Listen, never say "won't" again.
469
00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:50,855
Say "will not."
'Cause that's $2 million.
470
00:19:51,082 --> 00:19:52,839
That's a Bentley.
471
00:19:53,008 --> 00:19:55,026
Have you ever been interested
in a roofing company?
472
00:19:55,253 --> 00:19:56,843
You're very tall.
473
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,604
You're much closer to roofs
than most people.
474
00:19:58,756 --> 00:20:00,364
(gasps) How about this?
475
00:20:00,516 --> 00:20:02,533
I can book you as a freak
in a monster movie.
476
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,786
Or a dinosaur. You're as big
as a small dinosaur.
477
00:20:07,098 --> 00:20:09,373
We're trying to develop
an animated musical
478
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,543
about the dinosaurs
that survived the comet.
479
00:20:12,770 --> 00:20:14,286
You could play a small dinosaur.
480
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,880
You jump out from a tree.
481
00:20:16,031 --> 00:20:17,456
You sing a song.
482
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:18,791
We've already got one written.
483
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,718
It's called "I'm Still Here."
484
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,628
Am I, am I reaching you?
485
00:20:22,797 --> 00:20:23,930
Just sign already.
486
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,898
Okay. Looking for the next
musical superstar here.
487
00:20:34,383 --> 00:20:35,549
Uh, Barney,
488
00:20:36,051 --> 00:20:38,961
see what you can do
with this piccolo.
489
00:20:39,054 --> 00:20:40,312
(groans)
490
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:43,632
Lady, you look like
a cellist to me.
491
00:20:43,726 --> 00:20:45,484
(grunting, muttering)
492
00:20:45,653 --> 00:20:47,136
-Forget that.
-(cello crashes)
493
00:20:47,229 --> 00:20:48,637
Jailbird, what about you?
494
00:20:48,731 --> 00:20:51,532
Um, I play the hacksaw.
495
00:20:51,659 --> 00:20:53,251
Hacksaw. Hacksaw.
496
00:20:53,478 --> 00:20:56,587
-Ah, here you go.
-All right!
497
00:20:56,739 --> 00:21:00,758
Uh, my first number is "We've
Gotta Get Out of This Place."
498
00:21:00,985 --> 00:21:04,169
I love it! Let me hear
that sweet, sweet sound.
499
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:06,097
(hacksaw sawing)
500
00:21:06,324 --> 00:21:09,992
Ah, that is some
beautiful hacksawing.
501
00:21:10,011 --> 00:21:11,994
Ah, yeah.
502
00:21:12,013 --> 00:21:13,771
Soothing. Ooh!
503
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,757
Soon, I'm gonna be doing
some sawing myself.
504
00:21:16,851 --> 00:21:18,759
Ah, yeah. (chuckles)
505
00:21:18,853 --> 00:21:20,653
Oh, yeah.
506
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,361
Shh!
507
00:21:29,530 --> 00:21:30,437
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
508
00:21:30,531 --> 00:21:31,622
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
509
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,291
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.