1 00:00:09,235 --> 00:00:10,968 ("Bolero" by Pink Martini playing) 2 00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,958 ♪ 3 00:00:56,873 --> 00:00:58,807 ("O Christmas Tree" playing) 4 00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:08,308 No, sweetie. That's a deadly glass ball 5 00:01:08,385 --> 00:01:10,644 that we hang where babies can get it. 6 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,655 See? Deadly glass ball? 7 00:01:17,602 --> 00:01:19,986 (coughs) 8 00:01:20,063 --> 00:01:21,488 -BART: Oh! -LISA: Oh! 9 00:01:21,565 --> 00:01:23,248 (yowls) 10 00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:28,921 Huh? Todd Flanders? How'd that get on our tree? 11 00:01:28,997 --> 00:01:31,873 Christmas is no time to think about your neighbors. 12 00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:33,667 It's a very interesting story. 13 00:01:33,743 --> 00:01:36,837 A Christmas story of failing and redemption. 14 00:01:36,913 --> 00:01:39,422 Isn't that every Christmas story? 15 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:42,926 A Christmas story of your father's failing and redemption. 16 00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:44,553 Isn't that every Homer story? 17 00:01:44,629 --> 00:01:46,555 This one also has a secret room, 18 00:01:46,631 --> 00:01:48,941 and it's set six years in the past. 19 00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:52,185 Oh, thank God it's not the horrible present. 20 00:01:52,262 --> 00:01:53,520 What year did it happen? 21 00:01:53,597 --> 00:01:55,280 Oh, you know the year. 22 00:01:55,357 --> 00:01:58,233 The Oscar went to an overrated movie that nobody remembers, 23 00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:00,110 Tom Brady won the Super Bowl 24 00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:01,945 and a public figure had to apologize 25 00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,947 for saying something stupid. 26 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,782 -Oh, that one. -That year. 27 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,742 Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Remember it well. 28 00:02:07,819 --> 00:02:09,536 Okay. So, Homer and I 29 00:02:09,613 --> 00:02:12,372 were going to the office Christmas party. 30 00:02:12,449 --> 00:02:15,458 GRAMPA: I had just lost my last adult tooth, 31 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,461 -which they say is worth thousands. -MARGE: Grampa. 32 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,714 -This is my story. -Fine. 33 00:02:20,790 --> 00:02:22,257 We were getting ready... 34 00:02:22,334 --> 00:02:25,093 Listen, before we go, I want to ask you a favor. 35 00:02:25,170 --> 00:02:27,637 Don't drink at the office party. 36 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,265 But then it just becomes a meeting. 37 00:02:30,342 --> 00:02:33,435 I'm serious. I don't want you embarrassing yourself at work. 38 00:02:33,511 --> 00:02:36,229 All right. I'll just drink soda. 39 00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:38,991 -Water is healthier. -Not in this town. 40 00:02:40,068 --> 00:02:43,737 Woo-hoo! Kids, get the hot dogs! 41 00:02:43,813 --> 00:02:46,239 Homer, that's not safe. 42 00:02:46,316 --> 00:02:48,584 (chuckles): Marge, it's natural gas. 43 00:02:52,489 --> 00:02:54,464 -♪ -(indistinct chatter) 44 00:03:00,923 --> 00:03:03,465 Marge. Marge, Marge, Marge, Marge. 45 00:03:03,541 --> 00:03:06,259 -When will you ever settle down? -What the...? 46 00:03:06,336 --> 00:03:09,971 Hey, Marge, want to rub shoulders? 47 00:03:10,048 --> 00:03:12,849 Cover yourself up and quit hitting on my wife. 48 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,027 Oh, so now she's your wife. 49 00:03:15,103 --> 00:03:17,529 I've never been at a party where I'm sober 50 00:03:17,606 --> 00:03:20,032 and everyone else is drunk. This is a nightmare. 51 00:03:20,108 --> 00:03:21,483 I know how you feel, pal. 52 00:03:21,559 --> 00:03:23,318 I haven't had a drink in four years. 53 00:03:23,395 --> 00:03:25,779 You're so boring. 54 00:03:25,855 --> 00:03:28,081 He's right. I am boring. 55 00:03:30,285 --> 00:03:32,377 We should give Homer a little help 56 00:03:32,454 --> 00:03:34,213 -enjoying the party. -Mm-hmm. 57 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,294 So, if you're all partying, who's running the plant? 58 00:03:41,371 --> 00:03:44,631 We got a dog that barks when a light goes red. 59 00:03:44,708 --> 00:03:46,350 (beeping) 60 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:51,104 (yawns) 61 00:04:03,151 --> 00:04:05,869 Ah, it's nice to get close to the workers once a year. 62 00:04:07,564 --> 00:04:10,082 -Are you enjoying your holiday? -I was just watching 63 00:04:10,158 --> 00:04:12,534 this fantastic movie, It's a Wonderful Life. 64 00:04:12,610 --> 00:04:14,253 A tribute to my favorite character: 65 00:04:14,329 --> 00:04:17,497 the conniving, evil banker who ruins Christmas Eve. 66 00:04:17,574 --> 00:04:20,425 I presume it ends with Jimmy Stewart's suicide. 67 00:04:20,502 --> 00:04:22,252 Attention! Attention! 68 00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:25,588 I've arranged for some of the latest hip music to be sung. 69 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:29,342 ♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪ 70 00:04:29,419 --> 00:04:33,179 ♪ Good old Monty is our king ♪ 71 00:04:33,256 --> 00:04:36,891 ♪ He's a mean old crocodile ♪ 72 00:04:36,968 --> 00:04:40,895 ♪ Worse than jock itch by a mile ♪ 73 00:04:40,972 --> 00:04:44,616 ♪ I can't wait till Burnsy dies ♪ 74 00:04:44,693 --> 00:04:48,737 ♪ Watching vultures eat his eyes. ♪ 75 00:04:48,813 --> 00:04:51,531 Not so fast. Release the hounds! 76 00:04:51,608 --> 00:04:55,285 On, Slasher! On, Gasher! On, Mangey and Nips 'Em! 77 00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:58,955 On, Stalker! On, Vicious! On, Rabid and Rips 'Em! 78 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,757 (hounds growl) 79 00:05:07,332 --> 00:05:09,766 Good night, Mr. Burns. 80 00:05:14,172 --> 00:05:16,973 Die! Die! Die! 81 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:19,559 And cool me whiskey. 82 00:05:19,636 --> 00:05:20,968 (people screaming) 83 00:05:21,046 --> 00:05:24,397 ♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out. ♪ 84 00:05:24,474 --> 00:05:26,566 (harmonized scream) 85 00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:28,735 Homer, we've got to go. 86 00:05:28,812 --> 00:05:31,654 Come on, can't I finish filling my pants with shrimp? 87 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,165 Mm. 88 00:05:33,241 --> 00:05:35,450 Ooh. 89 00:05:35,527 --> 00:05:37,294 (siren wailing) 90 00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:40,580 I don't know what happened. 91 00:05:40,657 --> 00:05:43,083 What happened is what happens every time. 92 00:05:43,159 --> 00:05:46,053 You got drunk, and you made a fool of yourself. 93 00:05:47,372 --> 00:05:48,680 (sobs softly) 94 00:05:48,757 --> 00:05:51,016 I don't want you coming home 95 00:05:51,093 --> 00:05:53,393 until I know you've changed. 96 00:05:54,879 --> 00:05:56,638 Good night. 97 00:05:56,714 --> 00:05:59,024 Uh, aren't you gonna get out? 98 00:05:59,101 --> 00:06:02,519 No, just drive me around in circles, please. 99 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:06,323 Oh, sorry. You have to order an Uber Sad for that. 100 00:06:10,278 --> 00:06:13,372 There, there. Prices are always surging at Christmas. 101 00:06:13,448 --> 00:06:16,541 Where do I go? Where do I go? 102 00:06:16,618 --> 00:06:19,702 Hey. You got to bowl or go home. 103 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,122 ♪ ♪ 104 00:06:22,198 --> 00:06:23,548 Skate or go home. 105 00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:28,044 Go home or go home. 106 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,630 Isn't a church supposed to offer sanctuary? 107 00:06:30,707 --> 00:06:33,508 I'll tell you what. Quote one Bible verse, 108 00:06:33,585 --> 00:06:35,677 and I'll let you in. 109 00:06:35,753 --> 00:06:38,346 Um... "There once was a man from Judaea 110 00:06:38,423 --> 00:06:41,057 who said to my wife, 'If I pay ya...'" 111 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,225 And no. 112 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:44,561 Please. I have nowhere to go. 113 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:47,355 Well, there is one person 114 00:06:47,432 --> 00:06:49,858 that takes the homeless, lost dogs, 115 00:06:49,934 --> 00:06:52,953 even grocery bags carried off by the wind. 116 00:06:54,063 --> 00:06:56,739 Oh. I don't know how to put this. 117 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,042 Come on in, my brother. 118 00:07:00,278 --> 00:07:01,920 You, too. 119 00:07:04,666 --> 00:07:07,208 Look, Maude. God blessed us with another mouth 120 00:07:07,285 --> 00:07:09,594 -to feed. -(scoffs) 121 00:07:09,671 --> 00:07:11,254 More like a sinkhole that likes french fries. 122 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:13,598 Oh, now, Maude, Jesus said, "Love your neighbor" 123 00:07:13,675 --> 00:07:16,384 even though he never seemed to live next to anyone. 124 00:07:16,461 --> 00:07:19,429 Please, Ned. I'm due any day. 125 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,441 Maude, when I look in that man's face, I see Jesus. 126 00:07:22,517 --> 00:07:24,651 When you look at everything, you see Jesus. 127 00:07:25,762 --> 00:07:28,021 I bet you're seeing Jesus right now. 128 00:07:28,097 --> 00:07:29,731 I love you so much. 129 00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:31,357 Put him in your man cave. 130 00:07:31,434 --> 00:07:32,525 Man cave? 131 00:07:32,602 --> 00:07:34,619 My Son of Man cave. 132 00:07:34,696 --> 00:07:37,456 The Wi-Fi password is "sinners burn in hell." 133 00:07:37,532 --> 00:07:39,699 The second "S" is a dollar sign. 134 00:07:39,776 --> 00:07:42,368 The first "L" is a one. The "E" in "sinners" is a three, 135 00:07:42,445 --> 00:07:44,787 but the "E" in "hell" is an "E" for "eternity." 136 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,175 (groans) I'll just use my data plan like an animal. 137 00:07:50,378 --> 00:07:52,462 (clattering) 138 00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:54,639 You ate the Christmas ham. 139 00:07:54,716 --> 00:07:56,716 And it wasn't even cooked. 140 00:07:56,793 --> 00:07:58,426 Wait, wait. You were saving that? 141 00:07:58,503 --> 00:08:00,637 (exhales) It was still in the plastic. 142 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,097 That was plastic? Uh-oh. 143 00:08:03,174 --> 00:08:05,475 I know it's tough, Marge, 144 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:06,893 but you're doing the right thing. 145 00:08:06,970 --> 00:08:08,603 Just like I raised him. 146 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,230 Punish, punish, punish. 147 00:08:10,306 --> 00:08:12,690 And after it's much too late, love. 148 00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:14,493 It's not just this one thing. 149 00:08:14,569 --> 00:08:17,487 It's a pattern of constant disappointment. 150 00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:20,949 You must see it. You live with us temporarily. 151 00:08:21,025 --> 00:08:23,168 What do you mean, "temporarily"? 152 00:08:23,245 --> 00:08:25,286 Nothing. Nothing, nothing. 153 00:08:25,363 --> 00:08:26,880 Have a good night. 154 00:08:29,033 --> 00:08:30,675 (quiet whimpers) 155 00:08:32,996 --> 00:08:36,056 Oh, I can't take this place. 156 00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:38,591 Ooh! 157 00:08:38,668 --> 00:08:40,301 Aw. 158 00:08:40,378 --> 00:08:43,647 Even my peripheral vision is betraying me. 159 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,938 (snarls) 160 00:08:52,015 --> 00:08:56,034 So, wife threw you out, eh? 161 00:08:56,111 --> 00:08:59,696 -Yeah. -We've got a nice, warm bed for you 162 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,374 in the lake of eternal flame! 163 00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:05,702 A house by the lake? I could get some writing done. 164 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,495 In the lake. 165 00:09:07,572 --> 00:09:10,373 Oh, thank God. Any excuse not to write. 166 00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,592 (groans) Kill me. 167 00:09:14,412 --> 00:09:15,962 KRUSTY: Hey, hey, kids. 168 00:09:16,039 --> 00:09:17,297 Especially the little ones. 169 00:09:17,373 --> 00:09:19,215 Here's an all-new Itchy & Scratchy. 170 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,059 Parental discretion advised. 171 00:09:21,136 --> 00:09:23,803 But if they were around, you wouldn't be watching. 172 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,605 (laughs) 173 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:27,607 Ah! 174 00:09:28,551 --> 00:09:29,901 Ah! 175 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,063 (screams) 176 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,565 (both scream) 177 00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,650 Where's Daddy? 178 00:09:37,727 --> 00:09:40,745 Um, he-he won't be back for a while. 179 00:09:40,822 --> 00:09:43,072 It's okay. I love Bart. 180 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,326 I love Bart. I love Bart. I love Bart. 181 00:09:46,402 --> 00:09:48,253 And I love Lisa. 182 00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:50,538 BOTH: I love you, I love you, I love you. 183 00:09:50,615 --> 00:09:51,998 Oh, that's wonderful. 184 00:09:52,075 --> 00:09:54,876 We can still have a nice Christmas, 185 00:09:54,952 --> 00:09:56,836 -even without your... -(chuckles) Daddy's back. 186 00:09:56,913 --> 00:09:58,212 Daddy's back. 187 00:09:58,289 --> 00:10:00,715 Look at that hat. He must be a millionaire. 188 00:10:00,792 --> 00:10:02,425 (both scream) 189 00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:04,102 Okay, it's time to go to bed. 190 00:10:04,179 --> 00:10:06,095 We'll have fun tomorrow. 191 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,106 (both scream) 192 00:10:08,183 --> 00:10:10,391 ("Jingle Bells" playing) 193 00:10:10,468 --> 00:10:14,863 See? Even without Daddy, it's Christmas at the mall. 194 00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:18,858 Please give something. 195 00:10:18,935 --> 00:10:21,953 I'm about to be the first person ever dishonorably discharged 196 00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:23,913 by the Salvation Army. 197 00:10:27,485 --> 00:10:30,128 Aw, that was a real beard. 198 00:10:32,448 --> 00:10:34,582 Can I get these for me and Daddy? 199 00:10:34,659 --> 00:10:37,752 I'm not sure Daddy will be back by Christmas. 200 00:10:37,829 --> 00:10:41,214 Ooh, I smell marital problems. 201 00:10:41,290 --> 00:10:42,965 A salesman's dream. 202 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,218 Little boy, if she doesn't buy it, 203 00:10:45,294 --> 00:10:47,220 she doesn't love you. 204 00:10:47,296 --> 00:10:50,390 Really? And do you have a happy homelife? 205 00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:52,567 Why, ye-- No. 206 00:10:55,346 --> 00:10:57,656 Aw, poor fella. I know what'll cheer him up. 207 00:10:57,732 --> 00:10:59,824 Homer, would you like to say grace? 208 00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:01,776 I'd rather just eat. 209 00:11:01,853 --> 00:11:03,403 No grace? 210 00:11:03,479 --> 00:11:05,830 Then I'm gonna let my hair grow natural. 211 00:11:05,907 --> 00:11:06,781 (hair pops) 212 00:11:06,858 --> 00:11:08,241 Homer, please. 213 00:11:08,317 --> 00:11:10,284 Honor the Lord until we're all bored. 214 00:11:10,361 --> 00:11:11,494 (sighs) 215 00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,496 Dear God, how you doing? 216 00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:15,674 I know your son's birthday's coming up. 217 00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:18,167 Oh, with his mother, you say? 218 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,294 Oh, that's too bad. 219 00:11:20,371 --> 00:11:23,506 Now, Homer, in this house, grace is personal, pious, 220 00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:25,133 and at least 500 words. 221 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,467 Fine. 222 00:11:26,544 --> 00:11:28,520 Thank You, O Lord, for my wonderful home, 223 00:11:28,596 --> 00:11:29,804 which I'm not in. 224 00:11:29,881 --> 00:11:32,691 And my beautiful family, which I can't see. 225 00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:35,309 I mean, Flanders is great and all, 226 00:11:35,386 --> 00:11:38,438 but even you must think he's kind of a jackass. 227 00:11:38,514 --> 00:11:40,314 What's a jackass? 228 00:11:40,391 --> 00:11:42,033 It's a silly person, Roddy. 229 00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:44,110 Daddy, you're a jackass. 230 00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:46,204 Sheesh. The mouth on that kid. 231 00:11:46,281 --> 00:11:49,365 Ned, that man has got to go. 232 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,543 Maude, you know we can't turn away someone in need 233 00:11:51,619 --> 00:11:53,286 right before Christmas. 234 00:11:53,362 --> 00:11:55,496 You're right. I forgot my Christian values. 235 00:11:55,573 --> 00:11:58,541 Could you please get our guest some Christmas candy? 236 00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,552 Absotively. 237 00:12:02,464 --> 00:12:03,796 Get the hell out. 238 00:12:03,873 --> 00:12:05,056 (whimpers) 239 00:12:06,801 --> 00:12:08,059 Where'd he go? 240 00:12:08,136 --> 00:12:10,136 Can't be a rapture, I know that. 241 00:12:10,213 --> 00:12:12,063 -HOMER: Yep. -Scram! 242 00:12:13,975 --> 00:12:15,817 I have no luck. 243 00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:24,066 Just keep bringing me drinks 244 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,244 until I pass out under this table. 245 00:12:26,321 --> 00:12:29,038 Also, you have tables? 246 00:12:32,068 --> 00:12:33,910 Why aren't you home with Midge? 247 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,371 I've been kicked out. I have no place to go. 248 00:12:37,448 --> 00:12:38,923 Oh, you poor guy. 249 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,383 Let's take a walk. 250 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,139 Finally. 251 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,439 Aw... 252 00:12:54,516 --> 00:12:56,724 (groans) 253 00:12:56,801 --> 00:12:59,778 If only I could get back in there tonight. 254 00:12:59,854 --> 00:13:01,687 Well, uh, actually, there is a way. 255 00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:04,282 What are you talking about? 256 00:13:04,359 --> 00:13:07,109 There's a tiny little room above your garage 257 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,453 that you've never noticed. 258 00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:11,364 Until Marge forgives you, you can hide out in there. 259 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,908 Have you ever stayed up there? 260 00:13:13,985 --> 00:13:17,703 I haven't, but, uh, I did rent it out to a nice Irish family. 261 00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:19,672 (sad flute melody plays) 262 00:13:21,450 --> 00:13:24,585 Oh, Ma, this is the best place we've ever lived. 263 00:13:24,662 --> 00:13:27,630 We only have to clean Moe's bar for seven years, 264 00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,599 and then we get our passports back. 265 00:13:38,342 --> 00:13:40,568 ("Silent Night" playing) 266 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,702 ♪ 267 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:56,075 LISA: God bless Bart. God bless Mommy. 268 00:13:56,152 --> 00:13:58,503 God bless Santa. Santa bless God. 269 00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:01,956 And especially God bless Daddy. 270 00:14:02,033 --> 00:14:04,166 BART: God, I don't know if you could do this, 271 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,627 but I want a different father. 272 00:14:06,704 --> 00:14:09,097 (sobs) I'm home. 273 00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:17,480 ("Carol of the Bells" playing) 274 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:36,207 (music fades) 275 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:39,201 So cozy. Ooh, cheese! 276 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,703 Rat trap! Ow! 277 00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,204 Ooh, more cheese. 278 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,206 Rat trap! Ow! 279 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,625 Ooh, rat trap! 280 00:14:45,701 --> 00:14:47,919 Cheese! Ow! 281 00:14:47,995 --> 00:14:51,047 At least I haven't seen any spiders. 282 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:55,551 Cool. Now that I'm a bachelor again, my hair is coming back. 283 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,228 Aah! 284 00:15:00,383 --> 00:15:01,399 (phone rings) 285 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,061 Hey, Lenny. 286 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,021 Yeah, I'm doing okay. 287 00:15:07,098 --> 00:15:09,073 You're living the life you always dreamed of: 288 00:15:09,150 --> 00:15:10,983 not being able to stand. 289 00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:14,078 I'm so lonely I made a Marge from insulation. 290 00:15:14,155 --> 00:15:15,154 LISA: Mommy? 291 00:15:15,231 --> 00:15:17,073 Bart and I decided we'll give up 292 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,992 all our toys for Christmas if Daddy can come back. 293 00:15:20,069 --> 00:15:21,494 But I'll need double on my birthday. 294 00:15:21,570 --> 00:15:22,828 Take it or leave it. 295 00:15:22,905 --> 00:15:24,914 What's happened to you? 296 00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:27,258 BART: I'm becoming a jerk because I have no dad. 297 00:15:27,335 --> 00:15:30,211 MARGE: So you'll be better if he comes back? 298 00:15:30,287 --> 00:15:33,097 BART: Maybe not, but you won't get all the blame. 299 00:15:33,174 --> 00:15:35,224 ♪ ♪ 300 00:15:41,590 --> 00:15:43,349 Well, I want him back, too. 301 00:15:43,426 --> 00:15:44,892 BOTH: Yay! 302 00:15:44,969 --> 00:15:47,436 MARGE: I want him back, but I need your father 303 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,355 to do one great thing. 304 00:15:49,432 --> 00:15:50,690 One thing to show 305 00:15:50,766 --> 00:15:53,192 that all the nonsense I put up with has a point. 306 00:15:53,269 --> 00:15:54,944 Now, we're going to go to midnight mass 307 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,737 without your father. 308 00:15:56,814 --> 00:15:59,115 Aw, missing church. 309 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,909 This is the saddest I've ever been happy. 310 00:16:01,986 --> 00:16:03,744 (car departing) 311 00:16:03,821 --> 00:16:05,797 ("O Holy Night" playing) 312 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,806 One thing. One gesture. 313 00:16:14,882 --> 00:16:16,632 (gasps) I know! 314 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:20,428 I'll do the thing that Christmas is really all about! 315 00:16:20,504 --> 00:16:22,605 Make cookies. 316 00:16:23,966 --> 00:16:25,641 Dad made cookies! 317 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,651 Yay! 318 00:16:26,728 --> 00:16:27,935 How many did you eat? 319 00:16:28,012 --> 00:16:30,646 Most but not all. 320 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:33,315 (gasps) Oh, that's wonderful! 321 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,701 Mwah. 322 00:16:36,145 --> 00:16:37,537 (gasping, shouting) 323 00:16:40,858 --> 00:16:43,284 (groans) No forgiveness, no cookies, 324 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:44,744 and I burned the good drapes 325 00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:47,246 so we'll have to get corncob curtains. 326 00:16:47,323 --> 00:16:49,665 (sighs) I need a miracle, 327 00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,834 but those never happen at Christmas. 328 00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,511 (Maude groaning) 329 00:16:53,588 --> 00:16:55,337 MAUDE: Contraction! 330 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,516 Oh, if only that pregnant woman would stop that racket 331 00:16:58,593 --> 00:16:59,851 so I could think. 332 00:16:59,927 --> 00:17:01,635 You could deliver the baby. 333 00:17:01,712 --> 00:17:02,636 Wait, who are you? 334 00:17:02,713 --> 00:17:03,804 I'm your brain. 335 00:17:03,881 --> 00:17:05,264 How come I haven't heard from you before? 336 00:17:05,341 --> 00:17:07,308 Your stomach gets all the bloo. 337 00:17:07,384 --> 00:17:08,642 You shut up about that! 338 00:17:08,719 --> 00:17:10,102 I know where you live. 339 00:17:10,179 --> 00:17:11,854 Oh, the baby's coming. 340 00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:14,315 Oh, wh-where's your father? 341 00:17:14,391 --> 00:17:17,368 He's delivering Christmas turkeys to the poor. 342 00:17:17,445 --> 00:17:19,028 That selfish jerk. 343 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,947 Did somebody order an unlikely hero? 344 00:17:22,024 --> 00:17:24,450 Maude, let's get you to the hospital. 345 00:17:24,527 --> 00:17:25,543 (moans) No. 346 00:17:25,620 --> 00:17:26,952 It's too late. 347 00:17:27,029 --> 00:17:30,039 Then I'll deliver this baby myself. 348 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:32,041 How are you gonna do that? 349 00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,667 The same way I learned 350 00:17:33,744 --> 00:17:36,378 what the top ten bass solos through history are-- 351 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,222 through YouTube. 352 00:17:38,299 --> 00:17:41,559 ("My Generation" bass solo playing) 353 00:17:41,636 --> 00:17:44,345 Oh, there's always a commercial. 354 00:17:44,421 --> 00:17:47,231 There will be a time, mark my words, 355 00:17:47,308 --> 00:17:50,860 where the monkey attempts to eat your face. 356 00:17:54,765 --> 00:17:56,690 If you've done everything correctly, 357 00:17:56,767 --> 00:17:59,527 your mother-to-be is calm and peaceful. 358 00:17:59,603 --> 00:18:00,912 (groans) Shut up. 359 00:18:00,988 --> 00:18:02,655 You know nothing. 360 00:18:02,731 --> 00:18:04,916 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get angry. 361 00:18:04,992 --> 00:18:06,075 That's okay. 362 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,418 Of course it's okay! 363 00:18:07,495 --> 00:18:08,536 (moans) 364 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:09,912 Could you do me a favor? 365 00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:10,871 (grunts) 366 00:18:10,948 --> 00:18:11,914 Anything. 367 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:12,998 Pretend to be Ned. 368 00:18:13,075 --> 00:18:14,667 (huffing) 369 00:18:14,743 --> 00:18:15,927 Okay. 370 00:18:16,003 --> 00:18:17,261 (stammering) 371 00:18:17,338 --> 00:18:18,453 Oodily doodily. 372 00:18:18,455 --> 00:18:20,923 Uh, no clownin', that baby's crownin'. 373 00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,101 You're almost out of labor, neighbor. 374 00:18:23,177 --> 00:18:25,678 No, no. The real Ned. 375 00:18:25,754 --> 00:18:28,097 Um, uh, uh, I'm a left-handed weirdo 376 00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,765 with a cop mustache. 377 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,725 No. No, no, no. (moans) 378 00:18:31,802 --> 00:18:35,604 I mean the quiet, wonderful man I married. 379 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,614 All right. 380 00:18:36,691 --> 00:18:38,023 To help you deliver this baby, 381 00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,067 I'll make the ultimate sacrifice. 382 00:18:40,144 --> 00:18:42,328 I'll act like a weenie. 383 00:18:43,439 --> 00:18:45,239 Maude, I know I'll love heaven 384 00:18:45,316 --> 00:18:47,408 because you've made one for me on Earth. 385 00:18:47,484 --> 00:18:50,670 Let's bring another angel into this world. 386 00:18:52,990 --> 00:18:54,707 Perfectly normal. 387 00:18:54,783 --> 00:18:57,793 Eight fingers and eight toes. 388 00:18:57,828 --> 00:18:58,961 Aw. 389 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,379 How long have you been here? 390 00:19:00,456 --> 00:19:02,965 Long enough to see the man I married 391 00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:05,301 is heroic and wise 392 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,928 and capable and brave 393 00:19:08,005 --> 00:19:09,555 -and... -Give me my baby! 394 00:19:09,632 --> 00:19:11,307 I guess it is mostly yours. 395 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,391 Here. 396 00:19:12,468 --> 00:19:14,977 Homie, you did great. 397 00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:17,029 Mmm! 398 00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:19,315 Oh, Maude. 399 00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:20,482 I'm so sorry. 400 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,492 It's okay, Neddy. 401 00:19:21,569 --> 00:19:23,402 I was in good hands. 402 00:19:23,479 --> 00:19:25,988 I redeemed myself at Christmas, 403 00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,165 like the Grinch, 404 00:19:27,241 --> 00:19:28,741 the Die Hard guy 405 00:19:28,817 --> 00:19:30,251 and Scrooged. 406 00:19:31,245 --> 00:19:32,620 In honor of today, 407 00:19:32,696 --> 00:19:35,080 we're gonna name our son Homer. 408 00:19:35,157 --> 00:19:36,123 -(grunts) -Uh... 409 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,666 Todd Homer Flanders. 410 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,002 Todd's middle name is Homer? 411 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,795 Yep. And for similar reasons, 412 00:19:41,872 --> 00:19:44,098 Maggie's middle name is Lenny. 413 00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:49,178 But that's a story for the next Arbor Day. 414 00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,971 Well, I want to see your secret room. 415 00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:52,765 Oh-oh-oh, not so fast, boy. 416 00:19:52,841 --> 00:19:55,267 First you have to tell me one of your secrets. 417 00:19:55,344 --> 00:19:56,861 Okay. Not saying why, 418 00:19:56,938 --> 00:19:59,230 but you might want to get a new toothbrush. 419 00:19:59,306 --> 00:20:00,981 (chuckles) 420 00:20:01,058 --> 00:20:02,441 You, too, son. 421 00:20:02,518 --> 00:20:03,492 You, too. 422 00:20:08,282 --> 00:20:10,950 And I found out something else about the day you were born. 423 00:20:11,026 --> 00:20:12,451 What? 424 00:20:12,528 --> 00:20:14,662 You were born with a full set of teeth. 425 00:20:14,738 --> 00:20:16,047 And here they are! 426 00:20:16,123 --> 00:20:18,216 (shrieking) 427 00:20:18,292 --> 00:20:19,717 GRAMPA: Where are my dentures?! 428 00:20:19,794 --> 00:20:21,293 I got a hot date tonight, 429 00:20:21,370 --> 00:20:23,304 and I want to show off by eatin' chicken. 430 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,974 What am I doin' up there? 431 00:20:32,306 --> 00:20:33,898 (chuckling) 432 00:20:33,975 --> 00:20:35,900 (moaning) 433 00:20:38,554 --> 00:20:40,062 (chuckles) 434 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,689 You think the kids can hear? 435 00:20:41,765 --> 00:20:44,233 No, no, everything up here is totally soundproof. 436 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:46,077 Well, don't let me stop youse. 437 00:20:46,153 --> 00:20:48,246 What? What are you lookin' at? 438 00:20:48,322 --> 00:20:50,197 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 439 00:20:50,274 --> 00:20:52,083 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 440 00:20:52,159 --> 00:20:54,243 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 441 00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:56,420 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 442 00:20:56,497 --> 00:20:58,464 ("Carol of the Bells" playing) 443 00:21:28,479 --> 00:21:39,621 Shh!