The Simpsons.
D-oh!
Stupid heater!
Don't make me come in there.
Why do you always wait until Christmas Eve
to do your shopping?
The crowds are just beastly.
You know me, Marge.
I crave the hustle and bustle.
Homer, look at this mob.
The good toys are probably all gone.
Oh, Santa's got a little trick up his sleeve.
Attention, shoppers.
Register nine is now open for your shopping convenience.
Sorry. These are for display only.
This has been recalled.
Ooh! Bart would like this. We're out of these.
Out? But I just...
Register nine is now closed.
Hey, kids,
I made your favorite cookies.
Christmas trees for the girls,
and bloody spearheads for Bart.
Ah, thanks, Mom.
This year's tree is just perfect.
That old aluminum one was so fake.
I couldn't agree more.
From now on, it's plastic all the way.
Bart, did you hear that?
Could it be?
Come on, kids, let's try the lights.
It's crap-tacular.
Moo!
Hocus-pocus, mucus-pukus.
My powers of deduction tell me
you're getting a handmade sweater...
Possibly... Yellow.
Mom, make him stop!
Bart, put down that yellow sweater.
Nobody's going near their presents
until 7:00 tomorrow morning.
7:00 a.m.
No earlier.
And you can't set your alarm clocks
'cause I've got them.
For once, we're gonna celebrate Christmas as a family.
Hello! Anybody home?
Twelve glasses of water.
That'll wake me up nice and early
and I'll have a big head start on opening presents.
Pure genius.
You didn't invent that, Bart.
The Indians used to drink water
to wake up early for their attacks.
It's always about the Indians, isn't it, Lis?
Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff,
I promise not to do anything bad
between now and when I wake up.
Amen.
Ow! Ooh! I'll kill you!
Go, go, go!
We're number one!
Give me a "P!"
"P!" go! Go! Go!
"P"! "P"! "P"!
Worked like a charm.
How sweet it is!
Oh! Aunt Selma.
Always good for a fin.
Who-ho-ho!
Here we go.
The inferno buster 3000!
Ho-ho! I knew Santa wouldn't have time
to check that list twice.
Oh, yeah!
Cool!
Eep.
Who designed this house?
Homer? Homer, I think I heard a noise.
Knock it off!
Snow covers all.
Pure, white snow.
I got to get back to bed.
What happened?
Where's Christmas?
Lisa, where's Christmas?
Bart, what were you doing outside?
I don't know how to tell you this,
but I came down a little early
and... um... well...
Uh... I saw a burglar and he was... he took...
He got all our stuff!
Including the tree.
We were robbed?
How could somebody...
I know!
Can... we... skip... church?
Now, um...
What did this, uh, Christmas thief look like?
Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg...
Um, a big scar on his cheek...
Anything unusual?
Hooks for hands.
Um, oh, he was wearing a striped convict shirt
and he was carrying a big sack with a dollar sign on it.
Classic burglar.
Ah, cheer up.
We'll catch this guy.
Uh, chief...
What? You can't rule it out.
Well, there's no easy way to say it, kids.
God hates us.
Hey, since when is Christmas
just about the presents?
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day...
The birth of Santa?
Bart's absolutely right.
This is the one day
that shouldn't be about material things.
Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's
and cheer up the old folks?
That'll make us feel better.
OK, but they'll have
to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy.
Looks like the Flanders' are having a nice Christmas.
Oh, yeah? We'll show them.
Come on, kids.
Pretend we got new cross-country skis.
Merry Christmas, Simpson!
That's not as fun as it looks.
Nothing could be as fun as that looks.
Hey, look what I got, Bart!
A "tickle me krusty."
Hey, kid, get your finger out of there.
Homer!
Jingle bell, jingle bell...
Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable.
What the hell's going on?
Oh, the pharmaceutical man come by
and he shot us full of Christmas cheer.
I can't feel nothing below my chin.
Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer.
You know what I blame this on the breakdown of?
Society.
Yeah.
You're right, Moe.
You're always Moe.
Homer, look! Your house is on TV.
You take that back, Barney.
Nah, he's right, Homer.
Stay out of this, old man.
Dateline, Kent Brockman.
I'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary
where a creature was stirring last night
and what he was stirring was "up trouble."
Is your husband or lover here, ma'am?
No. My husband is... at church.
Ah, that's my girl.
I love you, Marjorie.
Yeah, she's quite a gal.
You shut up.
So, when you realized Christmas was ruined,
how did you feel?
How do you think I felt?
Absolutely devastated.
"Absolutely devastated."
The words of a heartbroken mother.
For there will be no fire truck for little Bart,
no sweater for little Lisa,
no cajun sausage for little Homer.
So while you're home today
eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey,
I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.
Lousy doormat.
Homer, you won't believe what's happened.
It's a miracle.
Oh, Marge, I don't want to hear anymore
about that silver polish.
Surprise!
People saw our story on the news
and they've opened their hearts to us.
Arrgh. We just gave what we could.
Does anyone have change for a button?
Wow. This really restores your faith in...
Lisa, do you have to practice that stupid song now?
Sorry, Daddy.
Hey, heard some no-goodnik stole your tree.
Well, we got a 30-footer
so you can have the top of ours.
Thanks, Ted.
Bart, this is Patches.
And what was your name?
Poor Violet.
Hmm. I don't like where this is going.
Your story made everyone at the orphanage so sad.
We want you to have this dollar we were saving.
Please, I don't deserve this.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
The Simpsons are the best friends I ever had.
So I'm giving them the tip jar from the bar.
My goodness.
There is over $15,000 here.
15,000 missoulians!
Holy Schlamola!
What are you going to do with all that Kablingie?
Well, if you mean the money,
I suppose we'll just replace the items
the burglar took from...
Boring! Spend it on something fun.
Go wild. Ha!
Right, Seymour?
Yes. Something wild.
Yeah, enjoy, huh?
Get something fun.
Something stupid.
You only live once.
Hey, speak for yourself.
Marge, kids,
let's go buy some happiness.
God bless you, Bart Simpson.
I'd kiss you, but doctor says I'm sick.
Is this car $15,000?
Yeah, it is now.
And because of your loss, folks
I'll throw in the undercoating for...
200... No...
490 bucks.
What a deal.
I'd be a sucker not to get it.
I don't know about this, Dad.
Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some... Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I jabbed you with my pen.
- Ow! You're still doing it. - Yeah, I know.
Here comes Santa Claus.
Right down Santa Claus lane.
Vixen and Blitzen and all the reindeer.
Pulling at the reins...
Will this Christmas never end?
Out of my way, snow-poke.
Slow down, Homer.
Don't worry, Honey.
I know exactly what I'm...
Oopsie.
Tap the brakes. Tap the brakes.
- Turn into the skid. - No, away from the skid.
Hit the brakes! Stop!
To the left!
Shut up! One at a time!
- Lisa? - Bail out!
Huh. That was close.
Oh, I knew this would happen.
Well, at least the burglar's having a Merry Christmas.
Bart, you're up early.
I couldn't sleep.
What's wrong?
There was no burglar.
What does he mean, no burglar?
I accidentally burned up the tree,
and the presents.
I'm really sorry.
Why, you little...
Lisa, no!
Your hands are too weak.
Bart, you little...
- I'm going to kill you! - Stop that!
- I'm killing him first. - Stop that!
Kent Brockman here for a follow-up
with Springfield's favorite hard luck family,
The Simpsons.
Folks, any words for the Christmas thief
if he's watching?
Uh... Yes, Kent.
Uh, hello, jerk.
We may never find you
and we should probably all stop looking.
But one thing's for sure...
You do exist.
Strong words.
Strong, bewildering words.
Also, we want to thank the whole town
for their generosity.
Hey, look!
It's little Bart's fire truck.
Little Lisa's sweater.
Little Homer's sausage.
What in the name of holy hell is going on here?
Oh, it's true.
We weren't robbed.
That part we made up, but the rest is true.
Wait. He's just covering for me.
I destroyed the presents, then I buried the evidence
and I acted alone.
So the family never knew about any of this?
Well the boy told us
but that was after we filed aphony police report.
And after we spent all the townspeople's money.
So you can see why my husband had to lie to you a moment ago.
So this was all a scam.
And on Christmas.
Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave.
We gave them our vitamin money.
Hey, hey, shoo, you lousy freeloaders!
Come back when you get some parents!
In my long career,
I've seen some pretty shabby things,
but this putrid fraud outstinks them all.
And... cut.
I just want to thank you folks so much.
This has turned out to be a great, great story for me.
I think they're running out of tomatoes.
Yeah, but they still got
plenty of pumpkins.
Oh, Homie, I'm so ashamed.
Relax, Marge.
This will all blow over.
Oh, no. Look at the line.
Oh, there they are.
Ah, it's the swindlers.
The Simpsons.
Ah, them stinkir liars.
Well, there goes Christmas dinner.
Oh, head of the line.
A family could get used to being shunned, huh?
Hey, look, sean.
It's that family everybody hates.
Whatever.
Um, Miss Hoover...
Miss Hoover.
Forget it, Lisa.
I'm not teaching you anything
until I get my money back.
Now turn your desk around and stop learning.
All the way.
Hi, liar.
Run for your lives, everyone! This is not a drill!
Oh, right. Yeah.
Then while we're gone, you take our snacks
just like you took our money.
You tell him, Lenny.
"You'll all get yours in hell
you lying, thieving..."
"Blanking blankers.
Sincerely, Moe."
Oh, great.
Now we have to send him a card.
I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.
There's only one way out.
We've got to give this greedy town
its money back.
But we don't have $15,000.
Unless...
Aren't we forgetting something, Marge?
You were down $5,200 hundred dollars.
But Mr. Trebek...
I asked you before the game if you knew the rules
and you said you did.
Judges.
Run, Mom!
She ain't getting the home version.
Guess we better get used
to being pariahs.
There's no shame in being a pariah.
Oh, no. There's that angry mob again.
Hey look who's here everbody.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Oh my! They've forgiven us.
It's a miracle.
You know deep down people are pretty...
Hey. Wait a minute.
They're taking our stuff!
Good Lord!
Hot, hot, hot.
If your heading for the medicine cabinet.
Iv'e already been there.
What the hell's going on?
Well, we hated being mad at you, Homer,
so we've decided to make things right.
Consider your debt repaid neighbor.
And then some.
Look, I know this has been a stressful holiday,
but in a way having nothing
reminds us how lucky we really are.
What?
We still have each other
and isn't that the best gift of all.
But we would have had each other anyway.
Yeah, plus lots of other stuff.
Maybe so.
But there is one thing they forgot
to take away from us.
This washcloth.
Hey! That's my washcloth.
The hell it is!
Hey, give me that!
Give me that wash cloth.
Stop this this madness!
It's just a wash cloth.
Besides it's mine. Yoink.
Hey, she's getting away the washcloth.
Cut her off at the stairs.
Hooray, hooray.
Oh hear the merry sleigh.
Yes, Dad.
Ding a ling ding a ling ding a ling ding a ling.
- Santa's on his way. - Oh, Santa.
Be good be good.
The way you know you should.
He's got some toys for girls and boys.
Who promise to be good.
Got a bike for Billy and a doll for Jane.
Got a dress for Mary and a sewing game.
A plane for Johnny and cowboy gun.
He's got something for everyone.
Hooray hooray.
Hooray!
Oh hear the merry sleigh.
Ding a ling ding a ling ding a ling ding a ling.
Santa's on his way.
Captioned by Visual Data Media Service