1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,256
The Simpsons.

2
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:24,292
I hope you all are enjoying

3
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:25,752
your ride to and tour

4
00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,754
of the Springfield Shopper newspaper.

5
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:29,672
Groundskeeper Willie
and I will stay behind

6
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,549
to remove
all traces of asbestos

7
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,676
and the word "evolution"
from our school.

8
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,845
Next stop, Margaritaville! Uh-

9
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,931
- Oh, they're still here.
- Yes.

10
00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:40,141
Now I'd like to ask each child
to pair up with

11
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,018
a buddy so no one gets lost.

12
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,770
Come to think of it,
I haven't seen Uter

13
00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:45,146
since the last field trip.

14
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,356
Uter?

15
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:47,607
I don't remember any Uter.

16
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:50,026
Silly name. Uter.

17
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,112
Dad, it's great that
you volunteered to drive.

18
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:53,780
But how did you
get out of work?

19
00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:56,908
Don't worry, sweetie.
Daddy's got it covered.

20
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,369
I work hard for the money.

21
00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:01,412
So hard for the money.

22
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,123
Oh, I something,
something money.

23
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,500
Come on
give me lots of honey.

24
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:07,752
Now, there's an employee, Smithers.

25
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:10,630
A smile on his lips
and a song in his heart.

26
00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:11,714
Promote him.

27
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,219
Turn tape over!

28
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:23,226
Hey, I know
how we can have some fun.

29
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,437
I spy with my little eye...

30
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:29,315
something beginning with "D."

31
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,484
Dingus!

32
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:34,320
God bless you, Nelson Muntz.

33
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:35,697
I'm no hero.

34
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:37,574
I just like to hit people
in the head.

35
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,122
Hey, you!

36
00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:45,331
You cut me off!

37
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,292
Oh, yeah! You!

38
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,170
Dad! That's an ambulance!

39
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,462
Oh, right!

40
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,047
Ambulance!

41
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:56,759
Think you're so big
with your siren

42
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:59,179
and your letters on backwards!

43
00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:04,350
Here we are, kids. The zoo.

44
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,602
Well, that's great, Dad.

45
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:08,438
Except you were supposed
to drive us to the newspaper.

46
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,447
Welcome
to the Springfield Shopper,

47
00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:19,532
established in 1883.

48
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,702
The newspaper was founded
by Johnny Newspaperseed,

49
00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:24,078
a 14-year-old boy

50
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,748
who roamed America
founding newspapers.

51
00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:29,584
If he's so smart,
how come he's dead?

52
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,128
Over the years,
the shopper merged

53
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,380
with the Springfield Times,
Post, Globe, Herald,

54
00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,132
Jewish News
and Hot Sex Weekly

55
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,635
to become Springfield's
number-one newspaper.

56
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:43,181
Wow! A bustling
metropolitan newsroom

57
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:45,642
funneling scoops
from all over the globe.

58
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,185
Hi! Are you interested

59
00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:48,895
in a subscription
to the Shopper?

60
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:50,730
Low introductory rates!

61
00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:52,273
No, please you gotta help ol' Gil.

62
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,068
What's it gonna take
to keep you on the phone?

63
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:57,528
Dance for you?
But you wouldn't even see it.

64
00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,155
Yeah. All right.

65
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,867
I'm dancin'!

66
00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:05,620
And this is our
comic strip department.

67
00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:07,580
Who here reads Mary Worth?

68
00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:09,874
Let's move on.

69
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,088
This is where we store
Ann Landers and Dear Abby

70
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,423
for their 23 hours
of daily sleep.

71
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:21,261
My advice is to free us
or let us die!

72
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,721
Check it out, Dad.
You can print out the headline

73
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:24,973
from the day you were born.

74
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,517
Ooh! Pointless nostalgia!

75
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:33,147
I'd sure hate to be him.

76
00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,191
And to protect Mother Earth,

77
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,820
each copy contains a certain
percentage of recycled paper.

78
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,571
And what percent is that?

79
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,825
Zero! Zero's a percent!

80
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,455
Hey, I smell cake.
Cake that says...

81
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,041
"farewell" and...

82
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,210
..."best wishes!"

83
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,754
Your old man
has an awesome nose.

84
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:59,215
Oh, that's nothing.
He can hear pudding.

85
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:03,720
So, Mimi, this little shindig
is our way of saying farewell

86
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,264
to our favorite food critic.

87
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:10,310
What can I say except thanks
for the predictable champagne,

88
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,562
pizza that's hardly numero uno

89
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,439
and ice-cream cake
which reminds us,

90
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:17,900
why make 31 flavors when
you can't get vanilla right?

91
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,403
I wouldn't want
to be married to her.

92
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:21,654
I mean, again.

93
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:27,452
Who are you, and why are you
ruining my retirement party?

94
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:31,497
I'll have you know,
I wandered off from the tour.

95
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,543
Well, at least
you like the food.

96
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,045
Oh, I like food, all right.

97
00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:40,173
I like pizza, I like bagels

98
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:42,800
I like hot dogs
with mustard and beer

99
00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:44,135
I get the picture.

100
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:45,511
I'll eat eggplant

101
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,764
I could even eat
a baby deer.

102
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,682
La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la la-la.

103
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,351
Who's that baby deer
on the lawn there.

104
00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:53,186
- Enough already!
- Sorry.

105
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,645
Hey, listen.

106
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,230
I just had a thought.

107
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,149
We're looking
for a new food critic,

108
00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:01,944
someone who doesn't immediately
pooh-pooh everything he eats.

109
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,738
No, it usually
takes a few hours.

110
00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,948
Uh, look...

111
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,242
I'd like to give you a tryout.

112
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:10,870
Write a 500-word sample review.

113
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:14,415
If it passes muster,
we'll put you on staff.

114
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,583
Thanks for the chance.

115
00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:18,753
You won't never regret this,
Mr. Editing Guy.

116
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,881
You know, Homie,
the "e" doesn't work

117
00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:23,383
on that typewriter.

118
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,760
We don't need no stinkin' "e."

119
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:28,471
"Restaurant review." No.

120
00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,473
"Eatery evaluation." No.

121
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:33,267
"Food box - Go or no go,

122
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,186
by Homer." No.

123
00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:37,647
Earl... no! Bill Simpson!

124
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,825
Well, what do you think?

125
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,743
This is a joke, right?

126
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,370
I mean,
this is the stupidest thing

127
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:53,454
I've ever read.

128
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:54,956
What's wrong with it?

129
00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:56,541
Well, you keep using words

130
00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:59,669
like "pasghetti"
and "momatoes."

131
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:03,172
You make numerous
threatening references to the U.N.

132
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:07,009
And at the end, you repeat
the words "screw Flanders"

133
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,011
over and over again.

134
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:12,306
Oh, it's so hard
to get to 500 words.

135
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,767
Oh, look, Homer, I'm sorry.

136
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,645
No! You're right! It's a joke!

137
00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:20,523
Everyone laugh
at the funny joke! Ha-ha!

138
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,942
I'll be right back
with the real review.

139
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:29,657
Still not clean.
Stink of failure still on me.

140
00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:34,203
Dad, I'm sorry the editor
didn't like your review.

141
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,830
I'll help you write
a new review

142
00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:38,249
if you'll just let me
use the bathroom!

143
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:41,544
Still not clean.
Still not clean!

144
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,715
Okay, what restaurant
did we review?

145
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:48,009
Well, we went
to Pate Labelle last week.

146
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:49,886
- How about that?
- Great. Now let me think.

147
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,637
The food was...

148
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,765
Mmm... not undelicious.

149
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,517
The food is delicious.

150
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,894
That's brilliant!

151
00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:01,189
Then I had the sweet,
sweet chocolate mousse.

152
00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:03,524
Really,
the only word for it is...

153
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,195
Hmm. What's the English
equivalent for...

154
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:13,075
I'd say "transcendent."

155
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,411
How about
"groin-grabbingly transcendent"?

156
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,829
Er, I don't think so.

157
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,372
We make a good team.

158
00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,416
A groin-grabbingly good team.

159
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,418
Four hundred and ninety seven,

160
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,378
four hundred
and ninety eight words.

161
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:27,590
How about "screw Flanders"?

162
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:28,758
Bon appetit.

163
00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:29,926
Er, both's good.

164
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:35,181
Not bad! Not bad at all!

165
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:38,184
We're gonna run
this on page one...

166
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,061
of section H2.

167
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:42,104
Whoo-hoo! Stop the presses!

168
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,738
Okay, start the presses!

169
00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:53,783
That takes four hours.

170
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,326
Whatever. I'll be at Moe's.

171
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:01,999
This is so exciting, Homie!
Your first restaurant review!

172
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,876
Marge. Shh!

173
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,712
It's important that no one
knows that I'm a food critic.

174
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,798
Hear that, Maude?
Homer's a critic!

175
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,716
Homer's a critic. Pass it on.

176
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,426
Did you hear? Homer's a critic.

177
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,136
Quit changing the subject!

178
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,346
Where is Uter?

179
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:17,640
Oh! We just want closure.

180
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,433
Arr! Here you are.

181
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,519
One critic's special.

182
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,813
Er, if anything appears
to be movin',

183
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:26,023
that's just freshness. Arr.

184
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:27,441
Can you believe it, Marge?

185
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:28,818
This job is the greatest.

186
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,486
They're paying me to eat!

187
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,047
Yeah. Now if you could
just get somebody

188
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,423
to pay you
for scratching your butt,

189
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:34,574
we'll be on easy street.

190
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,909
Why, you little...

191
00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:41,622
Wow! My first published
article, whew,

192
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,250
although someone else's
name is on it.

193
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,919
He-he. Welcome
to the humiliating world

194
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,462
of professional writing.

195
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,631
But this is only the beginning.

196
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,930
Welcome to Planet Springfield!

197
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:00,891
The restaurant owned
by me, Chuck Norris,

198
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:04,854
Johnny Carson's third wife
and the Russian mafia.

199
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:06,731
Each Planet Springfield

200
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:09,609
is filled with priceless
Hollywood gewgaws.

201
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,360
There's the coffee mug

202
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,612
from Heartbeeps!

203
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:13,779
And there's the cane

204
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,489
from Citizen Kane!

205
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,993
Wait a minute.
There was no cane

206
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,786
in Citizen Kane.

207
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,413
And there's that awful script

208
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,706
from The Cable Guy.

209
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,083
Lemme see. Stupid script!

210
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,252
Nearly wrecked
Jim Carrey's career!

211
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,046
You...

212
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,882
I'm gonna... what?

213
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:38,721
The food is exquisite!

214
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:42,683
And the view is... beautiful...

215
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,226
inspirational...

216
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:47,855
nauseating.

217
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,443
Hey, Homer! Great call
on that chicken place!

218
00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:54,278
And on that rib place!

219
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,072
I never knew
everything was so good!

220
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,242
Look, Marge.
I'm making a difference

221
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,702
in people's lives.

222
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,955
Yes, Simpson, your love
of food is contagious.

223
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,957
I've never felt jollier.

224
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,794
There go my shin bones again.

225
00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:16,550
Hey, Homer! Come here.

226
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,552
Are you gonna fire me

227
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,096
for swiping office supplies?

228
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,764
No.

229
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,228
Some of your fellow critics
wanted to meet you.

230
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:30,147
This is Garth Trelawney, TV critic.

231
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:33,359
Why, you... you made them
cancel Platypus Man...

232
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:34,443
Homer!

233
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,070
This is our theater critic,

234
00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:37,780
Daphne Beaumont.

235
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,198
...and the Cosby Mysteries!

236
00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:41,158
That show had
limitless possibilities!

237
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,327
- Homer, please!
- Sorry.

238
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,663
Jamie Killday,
farm supply critic.

239
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:47,665
Just got back from
the Gopher Poison show

240
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,126
in Paris. Let me tell you
something, people.

241
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:53,129
The days of clubbing them
with a baseball bat are over!

242
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,755
For you, perhaps.

243
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,590
Listen, we've been meaning
to have a talk

244
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,008
with you about your reviews.

245
00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,344
Everything's a rave!
Nine thumbs up?

246
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,721
What the hell is that?

247
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,723
I've given out my share
of bad reviews.

248
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,558
Oh! The only bad review
you gave was

249
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,685
to a slice of pizza
you found under the couch.

250
00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:10,146
It lost some points
'cause it had a hot wheel on it.

251
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:11,897
Oh, good Lord, man.
You're a critic!

252
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,566
You don't have to like
everything,

253
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,985
e.g., my latest review.

254
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,695
"We see John Deere has come out

255
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,739
with this year's
line of rototillers.

256
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:22,366
Surprise, surprise,
they're green!

257
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,953
I say it's time to send
John Deere a 'Dear John."'

258
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,124
- Oh, that's classic!
- You don't have to patronize me.

259
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,584
Aaa... okay.

260
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,671
Lord, thy daughters...

261
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:39,008
Goneril, Regan and Cordelia.

262
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:42,136
What is this, merry old England
or petticoat junction?

263
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,142
Hey! Lighten up. It's a comedy.

264
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,227
- No, it's not.
- It's not?

265
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,692
Hmm. This pea soup
is as weak as the acting

266
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,652
and nowhere near as hammy.

267
00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:01,155
Dad! That's so mean!

268
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:02,907
The other critics
told me to be mean,

269
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:05,242
and you should always
give in to peer pressure.

270
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,161
But what if someone bad
tells me to...

271
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,244
Always!

272
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,582
Whoa! This material stinks!

273
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,667
I'm gonna have to punch it up
on the fly.

274
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,961
Oh, I got one!
How do you make a King Lear?

275
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,880
Put the queen in a bikini!

276
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,926
Here's another one.
Knock, knock. Who's there?

277
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,677
"Juliet." "Juliet who?"

278
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:26,180
Juliet so much pasta fazool,

279
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:28,432
Romeo doesn't want her anymore!

280
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:34,814
Whoa, tough crowd!
They're booing Shakespeare!

281
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,071
Uh, not bad...

282
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:45,032
if lasagna is Italian
for "pile of puke"!

283
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:47,701
Aah! I chopp-a you good!

284
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,080
Well, I hope you cut me better

285
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,207
than you did
these string beans.

286
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:57,419
Hmm. I seem to be missing
a piece of my ear. Touché.

287
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,298
Who wants pork chops?

288
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,555
Sorry, Marge.

289
00:14:07,638 --> 00:14:09,348
I'm afraid this gets my lowest

290
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:12,101
rating ever! Seven thumbs up.

291
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,062
You always liked my pork chops.

292
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:17,022
Marge, I'm sorry,
but your cooking's

293
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,649
only got two moves...

294
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,068
shake and bake.

295
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,611
You like shake 'n bake!

296
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,113
You used to put
it in your coffee!

297
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,739
People change, Marge.

298
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,825
My palate has grown
more sophisticated.

299
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:30,160
Oh, yeah? What's a palate?

300
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:33,330
Oh, it's a...

301
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:36,166
special time
in a boy's life when...

302
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,626
Gotta go!

303
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,420
So come to The Legless Frog...

304
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,297
if you want to get sick and die

305
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:43,841
and leave
a big, garlicky corpse!

306
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,175
P.S., parking was ample.

307
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:48,762
Dad, you're being cruel for no reason.
What will people think?

308
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:50,890
People will think
what I tell them to think,

309
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,659
when you tell me
what to tell them to think.

310
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,019
Not anymore.
I don't want to be partners

311
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:57,438
with a man
who thinks like that.

312
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,607
Nobody talks to me that way!
I'm Homer Simpson,

313
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,234
the most powerful food critic in town,

314
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,320
who will never
get his comeuppance!

315
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:07,239
You hear me?
No comeuppance!

316
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,157
We'll be right back.

317
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,038
I don't need Lisa
to write a good review.

318
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:17,249
The food at
The Gilded Truffle really...

319
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,792
uh-what's a good word?

320
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,378
Sucks! That's great!

321
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:25,215
And the bread was really...

322
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:26,592
Come on!
Help me out here!

323
00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:28,218
- Ruff!
- Rough?

324
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:30,721
I don't know. You've been
pitchin' that all night.

325
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,765
- Chewy?
- Chewy!

326
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,475
That's inspired!

327
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:40,230
Homer, what gives
with this review?

328
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,775
You say "the salad
tastes like bark"

329
00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:45,778
and the potatoes
were very "grrrrr!"

330
00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:47,780
This reads like
it was written by a dog.

331
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,366
Are you crazy?
A dog can't type.

332
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:51,575
Unfortunately.

333
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:54,703
Listen, you gotta shape up!
Next week

334
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,122
is the Taste of Springfield festival.

335
00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,000
You'll be reviewing
every restaurant in town.

336
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,670
Remember,
people have certain expectations

337
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,004
about the "Life Ways" section.

338
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,381
Really? Like what?

339
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,383
Oh, I don't know.

340
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:11,762
Astrology, Broom-Hilda,
vacation horror stories,

341
00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:14,223
articles about
chronic fatigue syndrome...

342
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,933
you know, chick crap.

343
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:21,563
Homer, he's outta control.
He gave me a bad review!

344
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,400
So, my friend
put a horse head on his bed.

345
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,777
He ate the head
and gave it a bad review!

346
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:27,861
True story.

347
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,488
Arr, well, I've had it with Homer!

348
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:32,908
His bad reviews
are sinkin' our businesses.

349
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,202
Then, why did you put yours
in the window?

350
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,832
Arr, it covered up the "D"
from the health inspector.

351
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:43,127
Well, I say we ban Homer
from our restaurants.

352
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:45,337
No. That would be impolite.

353
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:46,588
I say we kill him!

354
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:47,923
Now, hold on a minute.

355
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,592
Are we restauranteurs,
or are we murderers?

356
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,636
Does that answer your question?

357
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:58,350
We'll kill him at
The Taste of Springfield festival.

358
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,561
We'll give Homer
all he can eat,

359
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,354
till he can eat no more.

360
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,607
Then, he'll get
his just dessert.

361
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:10,946
This will be Homer Simpson's
last lagniappe.

362
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,115
Come on!
You're gonna kill him with a pastry?

363
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:15,701
I've seen this man
eat a bowl of change.

364
00:17:15,784 --> 00:17:18,787
This eclair has
over one million calories.

365
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:22,249
Twenty-five pounds of butter
per square inch.

366
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,876
Covered with chocolate

367
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:27,296
so dark, light cannot escape
its surface.

368
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,090
No, no, no!

369
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,633
This is just a picture.

370
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,470
But Homer Simpson
will find the real thing

371
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:37,473
both delicious and deadly.

372
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:40,517
Ah, yes! Death by chocolate.

373
00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:44,855
And poison.
I'll stick in some poison.

374
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,823
Homie, my woman's intuition's acting u.

375
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,868
Something bad's going to happen
if you go in there.

376
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:00,245
Oh, Marge, something bad
usually happens to me

377
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,747
when I go in anywhere.

378
00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:08,170
A bat. Now, that's a new one!

379
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,339
So what are you up to,
young lady?

380
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:13,175
I'm reviewing the festival
for our school paper.

381
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:17,054
Oh. Well, I'm glad to see
my ex-partner

382
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:19,348
is doing so well without me.

383
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,537
Pedestrian.

384
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:44,957
Uninspired.

385
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:47,626
I didn't say stop.

386
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,130
Lard ho!

387
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,090
Arr, 'tis a good sign.

388
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:56,093
Homer's unfastened
the top button on his pants.

389
00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:59,429
Uh, no, he's been walking
around like that since Thanksgiving.

390
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,640
I'm surprised
he just doesn't give it up

391
00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:02,933
and go for sweat pants.

392
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:06,228
He says the crotch
wears out too fast.

393
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:10,023
Yarrr! That's gonna replace
the whale in my nightmares!

394
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:11,608
Well, don't worry.

395
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,652
The giant eclair will knock.

396
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:15,696
Homer off the food page

397
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,240
and into the obituaries.

398
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:25,122
Wait a minute.
They're gonna kill Dad!

399
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:41,138
Oh, that's a spicy meat-ball!

400
00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:43,223
So if we don't find Dad,
this crazy French guy

401
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,808
is gonna kill him!

402
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:47,144
Only your father could take
a part-time job

403
00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:49,021
at a small-town paper
and wind up

404
00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:51,565
the target
of international assassins.

405
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:53,442
We can find him faster
by splitting up.

406
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:55,527
You take fried foods,
you take salty snacks,

407
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,154
I'll take desserts. Break!

408
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,451
Ohh! So full.

409
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,286
Belly button moving from

410
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,331
innie to... outie!

411
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:18,300
Ooh, that looks
scrumdiddly-doodly-duddley...

412
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:19,968
- Get lost!
- A rude Frenchman?

413
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,762
Well, I never!

414
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,098
Ooh! Sweet!

415
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:33,690
Dad, no!

416
00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:37,986
It's gonna kill you!

417
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,239
Ehh, I've had a good run.

418
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,450
Don't, uh...

419
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,119
Um, it's low-fat!

420
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,538
No!

421
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,335
Whew! That was close.
Thank God

422
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,045
it landed
in that smoking crater!

423
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,925
Take him into custardy, boys!

424
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:02,386
Hah! Attempted murder one.

425
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,931
Now, boys, what would you say
to some Belgian waffles?

426
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:08,058
Actually, I was in the mood
for some frittatas.

427
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:10,143
Ha! Lou and his frittatas!

428
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,648
Frittatas! Ha-ha!

429
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:15,983
Oh, he likes eggs.

430
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,402
Oh, Lisa, you saved me!

431
00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:21,405
And after all the bad things
I said about you.

432
00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:23,365
What bad things? Why?

433
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:27,661
Oh, Lisa, the important thing is
I didn't get my comeuppance,

434
00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:29,371
and I never will.

435
00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:34,793
Uh, Dad?

436
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:36,044
I know, honey.

437
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,255
The important thing is... run!

438
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,721
I'm finally getting
my comeuppance!

439
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,517
Captioned by
Visual Data Media Services