1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,000 ♪ The Simpsons 23x06 ♪ The Book Job Original Air Date on November 20, 2011 2 00:00:04,001 --> 00:00:06,701 == sync, corrected by elderman == 3 00:00:11,330 --> 00:00:14,426 Our journey begins 65 million years ago 4 00:00:14,494 --> 00:00:17,998 when amazing creatures took their first steps. 5 00:00:18,066 --> 00:00:19,902 It's so cute that all these children 6 00:00:19,969 --> 00:00:22,608 are excited to see their favorite dinosaurs. 7 00:00:28,388 --> 00:00:29,588 These aren't dinosaurs! 8 00:00:29,656 --> 00:00:31,622 Dinosaurs sing! 9 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:35,125 I want to go back in Mommy! 10 00:00:37,765 --> 00:00:38,733 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! 11 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:41,135 I paid $800 for five minutes! 12 00:00:41,203 --> 00:00:44,639 The dinosaurs ruled the Earth for millions of years, 13 00:00:44,707 --> 00:00:47,176 until a massive asteroid collided with the Earth, 14 00:00:47,243 --> 00:00:48,978 bringing their reign to an end. 15 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:56,154 Ex-tinct! 16 00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:59,158 So remember, take good care of the Earth, 17 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,430 or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs. 18 00:01:02,498 --> 00:01:04,934 Ooh, kids, did you hear that lesson? 19 00:01:05,002 --> 00:01:06,771 How is that the lesson? 20 00:01:06,839 --> 00:01:08,440 The point of the dinosaurs is, 21 00:01:08,508 --> 00:01:11,811 no matter what we do, an asteroid's gonna wipe us out, 22 00:01:11,878 --> 00:01:15,148 so we should party hard and wreck the place! 23 00:01:15,216 --> 00:01:17,886 Yeah! Why should the asteroid have all the fun! 24 00:01:21,927 --> 00:01:24,196 What? They've got a point. 25 00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:30,504 Gift shop! Gift shop! 26 00:01:32,341 --> 00:01:35,378 All right, you can each have one toy. 27 00:01:36,614 --> 00:01:38,215 Lisa has a big toy. 28 00:01:38,283 --> 00:01:40,817 No fair. That means I get two small toys. 29 00:01:40,885 --> 00:01:42,986 No fair. This isn't big, it's medium! 30 00:01:43,054 --> 00:01:46,057 No fair! Then I get four small toys and Lisa gets 31 00:01:46,082 --> 00:01:47,482 one medium and one small. 32 00:01:47,826 --> 00:01:49,894 What?! He gets four and I only get two? 33 00:01:49,962 --> 00:01:51,095 No fair! 34 00:01:51,163 --> 00:01:52,497 All right, that's it! Forget it! 35 00:01:52,564 --> 00:01:53,531 No toys for anyone! 36 00:01:56,803 --> 00:01:58,270 Okay, Maggie gets a toy. 37 00:01:58,337 --> 00:01:59,605 No fair! No fair! 38 00:01:59,672 --> 00:02:01,474 Choke on fossil poop! 39 00:02:06,548 --> 00:02:08,750 Hey, I know you. 40 00:02:10,052 --> 00:02:11,687 Wait! Wait! Come back! 41 00:02:11,755 --> 00:02:13,923 Dad, follow that dinosaur! 42 00:02:13,991 --> 00:02:16,490 I've waited my whole life to hear that. 43 00:02:22,797 --> 00:02:24,497 Triceratops head... 44 00:02:24,564 --> 00:02:25,765 coming through! 45 00:02:25,832 --> 00:02:27,901 Stegosaurus back plates, used for either defense 46 00:02:27,968 --> 00:02:30,337 or control of body temperature, coming through! 47 00:02:32,540 --> 00:02:33,741 So tired. 48 00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:34,875 Go on without me. 49 00:02:43,018 --> 00:02:44,952 You're T.R. Francis! 50 00:02:45,019 --> 00:02:46,520 You wrote 51 00:02:46,587 --> 00:02:47,921 the Angelica Button books. 52 00:02:47,989 --> 00:02:50,023 They're my favorite fantasy novels. 53 00:02:50,091 --> 00:02:52,192 Um, yes, it's me, 54 00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:55,496 the creator of your beloved magical world, 55 00:02:55,564 --> 00:02:57,532 full of whimsy and, uh... 56 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:58,767 chapters. 57 00:02:58,835 --> 00:03:00,335 Now, off you go. Bye-bye, now. 58 00:03:00,403 --> 00:03:02,639 But why are you working at a dinosaur show? 59 00:03:02,706 --> 00:03:04,507 And why did you run away from me? 60 00:03:04,575 --> 00:03:06,476 And how did Angelica get a new wand 61 00:03:06,544 --> 00:03:09,079 after Baron Mortdeath burned the Wandwood Forest? And... 62 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,015 Look, you seem like a smart kid, 63 00:03:11,083 --> 00:03:12,316 so here's the truth. 64 00:03:12,384 --> 00:03:14,419 T.R. Francis isn't real. 65 00:03:14,487 --> 00:03:16,689 Of course you're real. 66 00:03:16,756 --> 00:03:19,592 Everybody knows you got the idea for this series 67 00:03:19,660 --> 00:03:21,494 after an explosion at a crumpet factory 68 00:03:21,562 --> 00:03:23,663 knocked you off a double-decker bus. 69 00:03:23,730 --> 00:03:25,732 How could that be made up? 70 00:03:25,799 --> 00:03:29,167 I'm just an actress they use for the jacket photo. 71 00:03:29,235 --> 00:03:32,202 That inspirational life story is pure fiction. 72 00:03:32,270 --> 00:03:34,303 Oh, I hate to break it to you, 73 00:03:34,371 --> 00:03:36,572 but all the books you kids love 74 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,674 are conceived in executive boardrooms. 75 00:03:38,742 --> 00:03:41,276 The plots are based on market research, 76 00:03:41,343 --> 00:03:43,110 and the pages are churned out 77 00:03:43,178 --> 00:03:45,979 by a room full of pill-popping lit majors 78 00:03:46,047 --> 00:03:47,512 desperate for work. 79 00:03:49,648 --> 00:03:52,550 Publishers rake in the cash, and unsuspecting kids 80 00:03:52,618 --> 00:03:54,152 get ten books a year 81 00:03:54,220 --> 00:03:56,254 by their favorite "author." 82 00:03:56,322 --> 00:03:59,888 Everything I believed about "young adult" literature 83 00:03:59,956 --> 00:04:00,955 is a lie! 84 00:04:03,421 --> 00:04:06,956 It's not against the law to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head. 85 00:04:07,024 --> 00:04:08,890 Sir, you're inside an Allosaurus. 86 00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:11,758 I demand to speak to my paleontologist! 87 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:18,641 Can I buy Lance Early? 88 00:04:18,708 --> 00:04:20,909 I need to buy some carbon-offset credits 89 00:04:20,977 --> 00:04:23,945 so I can burn all my Angelica Button books. 90 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:26,287 Oh, honey, I'm sorry your book lady turned 91 00:04:26,312 --> 00:04:28,017 out to be a dinosaur. 92 00:04:28,416 --> 00:04:30,249 But you liked the stories when you read them. 93 00:04:30,317 --> 00:04:31,583 So what does it matter? 94 00:04:31,651 --> 00:04:33,451 Doesn't it bother you that Betty Crocker 95 00:04:33,519 --> 00:04:35,853 is an invention of '20s-era ad men? 96 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,187 I know you're hurting, but that's no reason 97 00:04:38,255 --> 00:04:40,355 to lash out at me. 98 00:04:40,423 --> 00:04:42,491 Can you believe publishers would lie to their readers 99 00:04:42,558 --> 00:04:44,326 just to make an easy million bucks? 100 00:04:44,393 --> 00:04:46,327 A million bucks?! 101 00:04:46,395 --> 00:04:48,196 Every book on the "young adult" charts 102 00:04:48,263 --> 00:04:49,897 is written by five idiots 103 00:04:49,964 --> 00:04:52,064 who just want to take advantage of kids. 104 00:04:52,131 --> 00:04:53,932 I know five idiots! 105 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:58,102 And they just cash their checks and get away with it every time. 106 00:04:58,170 --> 00:04:59,537 It's the perfect crime. 107 00:04:59,605 --> 00:05:01,539 As long as you don't mind betraying the trust 108 00:05:01,607 --> 00:05:03,275 of vulnerable young minds. 109 00:05:03,342 --> 00:05:06,144 The perfect crime, eh? 110 00:05:06,211 --> 00:05:08,111 ♪ ♪ 111 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,283 Whatever the job is, I'm not interested. 112 00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:19,686 A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours. 113 00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,588 I like the beat, play me the tune. 114 00:05:21,656 --> 00:05:23,422 We're taking down kids who read. 115 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,956 Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach. 116 00:05:24,957 --> 00:05:25,857 But what's the cream? 117 00:05:25,882 --> 00:05:27,835 I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write. 118 00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:29,562 - Tween-lit gang-write? - Tween-lit gang-write. 119 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,298 But this Babar needs a Zephyr. 120 00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:32,901 A Zephyr? You're the Zephyr. 121 00:05:32,969 --> 00:05:34,537 This better not turn out like Kansas City. 122 00:05:34,605 --> 00:05:36,740 It won't be like Kansas City. 123 00:05:40,545 --> 00:05:42,279 ♪ ♪ 124 00:05:44,115 --> 00:05:47,284 Come on, Skinner, you're the best kid-man in the business. 125 00:05:47,352 --> 00:05:49,218 You've read their notes, searched their lockers-- 126 00:05:49,286 --> 00:05:50,686 you know how tweens think. 127 00:05:50,754 --> 00:05:51,853 Oh, no, thanks, gentlemen, 128 00:05:51,921 --> 00:05:53,488 I've got a nice, quiet life here 129 00:05:53,556 --> 00:05:55,656 and I mean to keep it that way. 130 00:05:55,724 --> 00:05:57,692 Your friends are looking at my bloomers! 131 00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:58,959 Wash 'em again! 132 00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:02,629 With your share of the money, 133 00:06:02,697 --> 00:06:04,864 you could get your own studio apartment. 134 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:08,100 The refrigerator could have my magnets on it. 135 00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,301 I'm in. 136 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:13,237 Come on, beautiful, I can't do the job without you. 137 00:06:13,304 --> 00:06:14,471 So, what do you say... 138 00:06:14,539 --> 00:06:15,472 D'oh! 139 00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:16,507 Ow. 140 00:06:16,574 --> 00:06:18,075 Our crew needs you, Bouvier. 141 00:06:18,142 --> 00:06:19,476 You've read enough fantasy novels 142 00:06:19,544 --> 00:06:21,978 - to choke a hippogriff. - Mm... 143 00:06:22,046 --> 00:06:25,414 It's true. I'm fluent in every imaginary language, 144 00:06:25,482 --> 00:06:27,716 from Dothraki to Parseltongue. 145 00:06:32,054 --> 00:06:34,522 I wouldn't join one of your harebrained schemes 146 00:06:34,590 --> 00:06:37,525 for all the Japanese girlfriend pillows in Kyoto! 147 00:06:37,593 --> 00:06:39,394 We're not here for you, we're here for Lenny. 148 00:06:39,461 --> 00:06:40,562 Sorry, guys. 149 00:06:40,629 --> 00:06:42,397 I just adopted a capuchin monkey, 150 00:06:42,465 --> 00:06:44,733 and I can't leave it alone during the bonding phase. 151 00:06:46,068 --> 00:06:47,468 Wait, wait, wait, I want in! 152 00:06:47,536 --> 00:06:49,469 What does your crew need, a safecracker? 153 00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:50,221 A-A wheel man? 154 00:06:50,246 --> 00:06:51,446 The caper is writing a kids' fantasy novel. 155 00:06:52,838 --> 00:06:55,776 Well, I, uh, I don't like to brag about it, but I did publish 156 00:06:55,914 --> 00:06:58,482 five modestly successful children's books. 157 00:06:58,911 --> 00:07:00,344 Hmm? 158 00:07:00,412 --> 00:07:03,281 All we need now is a computer guy. 159 00:07:03,348 --> 00:07:04,782 Do you have a computer? 160 00:07:04,850 --> 00:07:06,049 Uh, yes. 161 00:07:06,117 --> 00:07:07,517 You're in. In what? 162 00:07:07,585 --> 00:07:09,719 I keep going over the job from every angle, 163 00:07:09,787 --> 00:07:12,655 but I can't shake the feeling that we're missing something. 164 00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:15,991 Relax. With the team we put together, 165 00:07:16,059 --> 00:07:18,760 our book'll fly off the shelves, 166 00:07:18,828 --> 00:07:23,063 and we'll be sipping Mai Tais on a beach in Shelbyville. 167 00:07:23,130 --> 00:07:25,798 You're group-writing a book? 168 00:07:25,866 --> 00:07:28,734 But the only reason anyone would ever do that is... 169 00:07:28,801 --> 00:07:30,169 profit! 170 00:07:30,237 --> 00:07:32,405 Like no one ever writes for money, Lisa. 171 00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:33,901 I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare 172 00:07:33,926 --> 00:07:35,126 missing too many meals. 173 00:07:35,409 --> 00:07:36,843 I'll show you! 174 00:07:36,911 --> 00:07:38,945 I'll write a book myself! 175 00:07:39,013 --> 00:07:41,514 A personal story my readers will connect with. 176 00:07:41,581 --> 00:07:43,448 Wait, you're gonna be all the guys? 177 00:07:43,516 --> 00:07:44,650 How would that work? 178 00:07:48,988 --> 00:07:50,989 This is how real writers do it. 179 00:07:51,057 --> 00:07:53,958 I'll just bang out 2,000 words, and then I'll stop-- 180 00:07:54,026 --> 00:07:55,660 even if I'm on fire. 181 00:07:55,728 --> 00:07:57,562 I got to pace myself. 182 00:07:57,630 --> 00:07:58,964 Chapter one. 183 00:07:59,032 --> 00:08:02,101 Wait. I can't start without music to inspire me. 184 00:08:02,168 --> 00:08:04,402 Why is Bach next to Muddy Waters? 185 00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:07,369 That's my problem-- I got to get these CDs organized. 186 00:08:09,970 --> 00:08:11,270 There. Finished. 187 00:08:11,338 --> 00:08:14,404 Now, if I win just two more games of online Boggle, 188 00:08:14,472 --> 00:08:16,072 I'll be ready to start writing. 189 00:08:16,140 --> 00:08:18,741 Spot, stop, sop, top-tops, 190 00:08:18,809 --> 00:08:21,476 pot-pots, opt-opts... 191 00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:22,711 Post! 192 00:08:22,779 --> 00:08:25,847 ♪ ♪ 193 00:08:25,914 --> 00:08:27,882 Okay, we've cased a lot of tween books. 194 00:08:27,949 --> 00:08:29,316 What's their M.O.? 195 00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:31,852 The heroes are all orphans. 196 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,219 And they're set in a place kids relate to-- 197 00:08:34,286 --> 00:08:35,753 say... a school-- 198 00:08:35,821 --> 00:08:37,755 but it's actually magic. 199 00:08:37,823 --> 00:08:40,023 And the protagonist always discovers 200 00:08:40,091 --> 00:08:42,091 that he is supernatural. 201 00:08:42,158 --> 00:08:44,359 Okay, our book will be about 202 00:08:44,426 --> 00:08:48,462 an orphan who goes to a magical school 203 00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:51,865 where he discovers he's... a vampire! 204 00:08:51,933 --> 00:08:53,467 Vampires... 205 00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:54,935 - like these? - Huh? 206 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:56,269 - Or those? - Huh? 207 00:08:56,337 --> 00:08:58,070 - Or these guys? - Huh?! 208 00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:02,973 So many vampires! With the fangs and the capes 209 00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:05,542 and the medals-- nobody knows how they earned them. 210 00:09:05,610 --> 00:09:06,777 Hey, this job's falling apart. 211 00:09:06,844 --> 00:09:08,112 Everyone head for a different airport, 212 00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:10,382 and we meet in Rio in a year with new faces. 213 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,352 No one's going anywhere. 214 00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:17,021 Okay? The vampire genre is sucked out. 215 00:09:17,089 --> 00:09:20,924 All we got to do is find a new monster to be our hero. 216 00:09:20,992 --> 00:09:22,726 Aah! A troll! 217 00:09:22,794 --> 00:09:24,227 Hey, I ain't a troll. 218 00:09:24,295 --> 00:09:26,762 Look, I bleed red, just like you. 219 00:09:26,830 --> 00:09:29,798 Th-The first part is always green, but it turns red. 220 00:09:29,866 --> 00:09:31,199 A troll! That's it! 221 00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:33,368 Our book could be about an orphan troll! 222 00:09:33,435 --> 00:09:34,969 Trolls live under bridges-- 223 00:09:35,036 --> 00:09:37,271 the school should be under a bridge. 224 00:09:37,338 --> 00:09:38,538 The Brooklyn Bridge! 225 00:09:38,606 --> 00:09:39,906 And the cool kids are elves. 226 00:09:39,974 --> 00:09:41,475 The cheerleaders are pixies. 227 00:09:41,542 --> 00:09:43,376 The stoners are... 228 00:09:43,444 --> 00:09:44,911 gargoyles! 229 00:09:44,978 --> 00:09:46,745 And they play a complicated sport 230 00:09:46,813 --> 00:09:49,048 which makes no sense called Fuzzlepitch! 231 00:09:49,115 --> 00:09:50,549 Oh, yeah, yeah, that's good! 232 00:09:50,617 --> 00:09:51,850 We've cracked it. 233 00:09:51,918 --> 00:09:53,685 We're gonna be rich! 234 00:09:53,753 --> 00:09:54,886 Pardon me, 235 00:09:54,954 --> 00:09:57,188 but are you scheming to coauthor 236 00:09:57,255 --> 00:10:00,091 a successful series of children's fantasy novels? 237 00:10:00,159 --> 00:10:02,626 Okay, Stonehenge, let's see how good you are at eavesdropping 238 00:10:02,694 --> 00:10:04,028 without a throat! 239 00:10:04,095 --> 00:10:06,563 Don't kill him! That's Neil Gaiman. 240 00:10:06,631 --> 00:10:09,331 I don't care if he's the guy who wrote Sandman Volume One: 241 00:10:09,399 --> 00:10:10,600 Preludes and Nocturnes-- 242 00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:13,102 no one spies on us! 243 00:10:13,170 --> 00:10:15,771 Perhaps someone of my experience 244 00:10:15,839 --> 00:10:19,073 would be a valuable addition to your... crew. 245 00:10:19,141 --> 00:10:22,677 The king of fantasy books on our fantasy book-writing team? 246 00:10:22,744 --> 00:10:24,345 Okay, Gaiman, you're in. 247 00:10:24,413 --> 00:10:25,914 Your job is to get lunch. 248 00:10:25,982 --> 00:10:27,549 And lose the British accent. 249 00:10:27,617 --> 00:10:29,617 Cheeseburgers, French fries. 250 00:10:29,685 --> 00:10:31,720 I'm all over that, pal. 251 00:10:33,022 --> 00:10:34,556 Sitting in a coffee shop. 252 00:10:34,624 --> 00:10:37,557 I couldn't feel more like a real writer. 253 00:10:37,625 --> 00:10:41,858 Oh, I better set up my Wi-Fi, in case I need to do some research. 254 00:10:41,925 --> 00:10:44,259 But if I'm gonna use their free Internet, 255 00:10:44,327 --> 00:10:46,361 I really should buy something. 256 00:10:46,429 --> 00:10:48,197 God, I love being a writer! 257 00:10:49,934 --> 00:10:52,436 ♪ ♪ 258 00:10:57,441 --> 00:10:59,275 ♪ ♪ 259 00:11:02,846 --> 00:11:05,046 ♪ ♪ 260 00:11:23,763 --> 00:11:26,631 "And so, Lucinda placed the fifth shard 261 00:11:26,699 --> 00:11:28,767 "in the stained-glass window, which now clearly read, 262 00:11:28,835 --> 00:11:31,904 "'Your parents are alive.' 263 00:11:31,971 --> 00:11:33,605 "Gregor turned to his twin sister, 264 00:11:33,673 --> 00:11:35,506 "and they both understood, 265 00:11:35,574 --> 00:11:37,842 their journey was just beginning." 266 00:11:37,910 --> 00:11:39,443 The end. 267 00:11:41,112 --> 00:11:43,046 It's good. 268 00:11:43,114 --> 00:11:44,980 Weekly Reader Star Selection good. 269 00:11:45,048 --> 00:11:48,946 I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is. 270 00:11:49,014 --> 00:11:51,013 Who wants to see my cover ♪ mock-up?! ♪ 271 00:11:54,816 --> 00:11:58,150 "The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy." 272 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,385 I'm so proud of us. 273 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,320 Oh, you didn't write any of it. 274 00:12:02,387 --> 00:12:04,889 That tuna didn't salad itself. 275 00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,795 I've got it! 276 00:12:08,863 --> 00:12:12,433 A mermaid falls in love with a boy on land. 277 00:12:12,501 --> 00:12:14,737 I'm a genius! 278 00:12:16,372 --> 00:12:18,673 Writing is the hardest thing ever! 279 00:12:18,741 --> 00:12:20,575 Huh? 280 00:12:20,643 --> 00:12:23,678 Hope you don't mind us printing our book in your room, Lis. 281 00:12:23,746 --> 00:12:25,880 Yeah, only your professional-strength 282 00:12:25,948 --> 00:12:28,682 output tray can handle the weight of our manuscript. 283 00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:30,049 Correction. Finished manuscript. 284 00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:31,251 Whoo-hoo! 285 00:12:32,521 --> 00:12:34,456 ♪ ♪ 286 00:12:39,202 --> 00:12:40,802 ♪ ♪ 287 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,162 Trolls in a magical 288 00:12:52,163 --> 00:12:53,963 prep school under the Brooklyn Bridge? 289 00:12:54,031 --> 00:12:56,165 - Interesting. - Whoo! 290 00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:58,801 This is a really good book. 291 00:12:58,868 --> 00:13:00,469 We know. We wrote it. 292 00:13:00,537 --> 00:13:03,538 I laminated the lunch menu and put them ia binder. 293 00:13:03,606 --> 00:13:05,874 But we have a problem here. Where's your fake author? 294 00:13:05,941 --> 00:13:06,975 Fake author? 295 00:13:07,042 --> 00:13:08,543 Fake author! 296 00:13:08,610 --> 00:13:10,210 If you don't have a made-up author 297 00:13:10,278 --> 00:13:12,146 with an inspirational tale, you don't have a book! 298 00:13:12,213 --> 00:13:13,613 Where's your Franklin W. Dixon? 299 00:13:13,681 --> 00:13:14,881 Where's your T.R. Francis? 300 00:13:14,948 --> 00:13:17,083 Where's your Stephen King? 301 00:13:19,419 --> 00:13:21,220 Stupid, stupid, stupid! 302 00:13:21,288 --> 00:13:23,622 We forgot to create a fake author! 303 00:13:23,690 --> 00:13:25,090 That was Gaiman's job. 304 00:13:25,157 --> 00:13:26,557 Let's acid melt him in a bathtub! 305 00:13:26,625 --> 00:13:28,058 Okay, stay frosty. 306 00:13:28,126 --> 00:13:30,060 All we need to do is find some sap 307 00:13:30,127 --> 00:13:31,894 to pretend to be the writer of our book. 308 00:13:31,962 --> 00:13:34,396 So hit the floor and find some pathetic wanna-be author. 309 00:13:36,932 --> 00:13:39,100 ♪ ♪ 310 00:13:41,002 --> 00:13:43,704 Coming to the book fair sure was a great idea. 311 00:13:43,772 --> 00:13:45,473 'Cause you can't write 312 00:13:45,540 --> 00:13:47,474 if you don't know what the competition's up to! 313 00:13:51,112 --> 00:13:53,144 A dog wrote a bestseller?! 314 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,747 All I've done is procrastinate! 315 00:13:56,815 --> 00:13:59,016 Ah, who am I kidding? 316 00:13:59,084 --> 00:14:01,918 There will never be a book with my name on it. 317 00:14:01,986 --> 00:14:04,954 Or... your name could be on a book in ten minutes. 318 00:14:05,022 --> 00:14:06,688 Do I have to do any writing? 319 00:14:06,756 --> 00:14:08,590 No. I'm in. 320 00:14:08,657 --> 00:14:10,958 ♪ ♪ 321 00:14:13,027 --> 00:14:15,261 Ah, a preteen prodigy. 322 00:14:15,329 --> 00:14:17,466 I like the hook. What's the phony back story? 323 00:14:19,202 --> 00:14:21,103 I was raised in a traveling circus. 324 00:14:21,171 --> 00:14:24,206 My mother was a lady ringmaster, and my father was a lion barber. 325 00:14:24,273 --> 00:14:26,207 I wrote my first story with clown lipstick 326 00:14:26,275 --> 00:14:27,608 on a flattened popcorn box. 327 00:14:27,676 --> 00:14:29,243 It was featured in The New Yorker's 328 00:14:29,310 --> 00:14:30,744 "Best Forty Under Four" issue. 329 00:14:30,812 --> 00:14:32,612 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 330 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,381 Is R.L. Stine here, 'cause you just gave me Goosebumps? 331 00:14:35,448 --> 00:14:37,385 Oh, good one, boss. 332 00:14:37,453 --> 00:14:39,021 Congratulations. 333 00:14:39,088 --> 00:14:41,589 You just sold your book for a million dollars. 334 00:14:46,994 --> 00:14:48,929 Gentlemen, 335 00:14:48,996 --> 00:14:51,865 to The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy." 336 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:53,000 Yeah! 337 00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:54,434 So, does this square us 338 00:14:54,502 --> 00:14:55,868 for Kansas City? 339 00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:58,804 Square as Golden Books, Pop. 340 00:14:58,872 --> 00:15:00,272 What happened to me? 341 00:15:00,340 --> 00:15:02,006 In one vulnerable moment, 342 00:15:02,074 --> 00:15:05,743 I became t thing I hated most-- a literary fraud. 343 00:15:05,811 --> 00:15:08,946 But Lis, when this book comes out, you'll be beloved. 344 00:15:09,013 --> 00:15:10,780 Not just by Milhouses. 345 00:15:10,848 --> 00:15:13,350 You'll get attention from Jacksons, Xanders, 346 00:15:13,417 --> 00:15:15,051 even Aidens. 347 00:15:15,119 --> 00:15:16,653 Aw, I've always wanted an Aiden. 348 00:15:18,356 --> 00:15:20,457 Here it is, an advance copy. 349 00:15:22,526 --> 00:15:27,626 "The Vampire Twins Of Transylvania Prep"?! 350 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:29,161 Where's the trolls? 351 00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,532 The trolls are now vampires, 352 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,334 the Brooklyn Bridge is now a castle, 353 00:15:34,402 --> 00:15:36,569 and Fuzzlepitch is now Bloodball. 354 00:15:36,637 --> 00:15:39,071 Oh, weak! Weak and lame! 355 00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,906 How could the publishers change our book? 356 00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:43,508 If they had been in charge of the Sistine Chapel, 357 00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:45,209 the whole thing would be vampires, 358 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,646 instead of the pope's private naked dude mural. 359 00:15:48,714 --> 00:15:50,348 Look, we market-tested the book, 360 00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:52,617 and it really got dinged on the whole trolls thing. 361 00:15:52,684 --> 00:15:54,151 I mean dinged. 362 00:15:54,219 --> 00:15:56,253 So we made some changes. Don't feel bad. 363 00:15:56,321 --> 00:15:58,054 Before we got our hands on Twilight, 364 00:15:58,089 --> 00:16:00,089 it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem. 365 00:16:00,157 --> 00:16:02,024 But teenagers weren't going to spend their allowances 366 00:16:02,092 --> 00:16:03,559 to join Team Schmul. 367 00:16:03,626 --> 00:16:05,327 But the trolls were the best part! 368 00:16:05,395 --> 00:16:08,330 Do the characters still say trolly instead of cool? 369 00:16:08,398 --> 00:16:10,699 - No. - Oh, that is so untrolly! 370 00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:12,102 Hey, if you don't want your words changed, 371 00:16:12,203 --> 00:16:13,903 write a screenplay. 372 00:16:13,971 --> 00:16:16,105 We own your book, so why don't you go and cry 373 00:16:16,173 --> 00:16:17,606 into your million-dollar check? 374 00:16:17,674 --> 00:16:19,975 How could they do this to our book? 375 00:16:20,042 --> 00:16:23,309 It was the singular vision of seven people. 376 00:16:23,377 --> 00:16:25,645 - No way! - What you're feeling is called 377 00:16:25,713 --> 00:16:27,113 pride of authorship. 378 00:16:27,181 --> 00:16:29,013 You thought you only cared about money, 379 00:16:29,081 --> 00:16:32,716 but you actually care more about what you've created together. 380 00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:35,417 British Fonzie is right. 381 00:16:35,485 --> 00:16:39,154 Our story is actually more important than money. 382 00:16:39,222 --> 00:16:41,289 I was gonna buy the apartment next door 383 00:16:41,357 --> 00:16:44,693 and fill it with dolls, but now that just sounds stupid. 384 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,261 They can't do this to us. We've got to fight back! 385 00:16:47,329 --> 00:16:49,029 Yeah, let's get 'em! - Oh, yeah! - He's right. 386 00:16:49,097 --> 00:16:50,430 We got to fight... 387 00:16:50,498 --> 00:16:51,864 Rule number one of book heists-- 388 00:16:51,931 --> 00:16:53,498 never fall in love with the book. 389 00:16:53,566 --> 00:16:55,733 We queer the deal, we lose the money. 390 00:16:55,801 --> 00:16:57,635 Bart, remember the thousand-year war 391 00:16:57,703 --> 00:16:59,436 between the trolls and the ogres? 392 00:16:59,454 --> 00:17:00,392 Yeah? 393 00:17:00,417 --> 00:17:03,492 Now it's a dance contest at the vampire prom. 394 00:17:06,509 --> 00:17:08,110 Let's steal back o ur book. 395 00:17:14,471 --> 00:17:16,304 ♪ ♪ 396 00:17:20,675 --> 00:17:22,439 Somewhere in that building is a computer 397 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,607 with their sucky version of our masterpiece. 398 00:17:24,675 --> 00:17:26,108 The book prints at midnight, 399 00:17:26,176 --> 00:17:28,010 so if we swap in the original version, 400 00:17:28,077 --> 00:17:30,278 they'll print the wrong book-- our book. 401 00:17:30,346 --> 00:17:33,180 And before the publishers can do anything about it, 402 00:17:33,247 --> 00:17:35,715 The Troll Twins Of Underbridge Academy 403 00:17:35,783 --> 00:17:37,951 will be in every bookstore in America! 404 00:17:38,019 --> 00:17:40,053 This is the Fuzzlepitch Finals, 405 00:17:40,121 --> 00:17:42,321 and tonight, we drink from the Wazzle Cup! 406 00:17:42,389 --> 00:17:44,022 Hello. I'm the pizza delivery man. 407 00:17:44,090 --> 00:17:45,556 We didn't order a pizza. 408 00:17:45,624 --> 00:17:47,124 No, of course you didn't. 409 00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:49,626 The establishment I work for delivers pizzas to everyone, 410 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,260 and then gives the customer the option 411 00:17:51,328 --> 00:17:53,195 of accepting or refusing delivery. 412 00:17:53,262 --> 00:17:54,996 That's a terrible business strategy. 413 00:17:55,063 --> 00:17:56,697 No, no, it's quite sound. 414 00:17:56,765 --> 00:17:58,065 Okay, fine. 415 00:17:58,132 --> 00:17:59,266 Where's the pizza? 416 00:17:59,334 --> 00:18:00,033 Pizza? 417 00:18:01,202 --> 00:18:02,969 ♪ ♪ 418 00:18:25,227 --> 00:18:26,894 The central computer's through here. 419 00:18:26,962 --> 00:18:30,262 All we have to do is upload our file and... 420 00:18:33,432 --> 00:18:34,733 Good evening, gentlemen. 421 00:18:34,801 --> 00:18:36,269 Kansas City. 422 00:18:36,336 --> 00:18:38,072 Kansas City. 423 00:18:38,139 --> 00:18:41,342 So, you thought you would un-ruin your book. 424 00:18:41,409 --> 00:18:44,142 If it's y consolation, you never had a chance. 425 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,310 Whoo-hoo! All right! 426 00:18:45,378 --> 00:18:46,778 Someone in your gang 427 00:18:46,846 --> 00:18:48,547 tipped me off to your little caper. 428 00:18:48,615 --> 00:18:50,382 A traitor? 429 00:18:51,984 --> 00:18:53,952 I bet it's the Earl of Marmalade over here. 430 00:18:55,588 --> 00:18:57,222 No, guys. It was me. 431 00:18:57,290 --> 00:18:58,957 - Oh, betrayal! - It can't be! 432 00:18:59,024 --> 00:19:00,525 It's always a dame. 433 00:19:00,593 --> 00:19:01,626 But why? 434 00:19:01,693 --> 00:19:03,059 Because a little girl 435 00:19:03,127 --> 00:19:04,693 wants her dream to come true. 436 00:19:05,929 --> 00:19:08,497 My name is finally on a book! 437 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,568 And they're letting me write the sequel! 438 00:19:10,636 --> 00:19:13,904 A hard deadline is just the kick in the pants I need 439 00:19:13,972 --> 00:19:16,706 to focus and get some serious writing done. 440 00:19:16,774 --> 00:19:20,343 Now to enter the password and to authorize final publication. 441 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,911 My favorite theme of a wall calendar. 442 00:19:24,347 --> 00:19:26,315 Lisa, would you care to do the honors? 443 00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:30,252 I'm sorry. 444 00:19:36,959 --> 00:19:40,761 Oh, by the way, the audio book is only available... abridged. 445 00:19:40,829 --> 00:19:42,596 Abridged! 446 00:19:44,732 --> 00:19:48,601 Well, we may have lost, but we gave the bad guy a laugh. 447 00:19:48,669 --> 00:19:50,636 That's something. 448 00:19:53,907 --> 00:19:55,475 Our book! The real one! 449 00:19:55,543 --> 00:19:56,876 Yes! 450 00:19:56,944 --> 00:19:58,511 ♪ Wonderful words! ♪ 451 00:19:58,579 --> 00:20:00,679 - No need to thank me, boys. - Hey, 452 00:20:00,747 --> 00:20:05,049 you wouldn't say that unless there was a need to thank you. 453 00:20:05,117 --> 00:20:07,651 You could never have printed your version of the book 454 00:20:07,719 --> 00:20:10,153 without the publisher's password, 455 00:20:10,221 --> 00:20:12,888 so I pretended to betray you. 456 00:20:12,956 --> 00:20:14,857 Then after he typed the password, 457 00:20:14,925 --> 00:20:17,993 I secretly switched the flash drives. 458 00:20:18,061 --> 00:20:20,329 You switched the drives? 459 00:20:20,396 --> 00:20:23,531 I got the idea from every movie ever made. 460 00:20:23,599 --> 00:20:25,766 ♪ ♪ 461 00:20:32,441 --> 00:20:34,875 And the best part is, 462 00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:36,709 my face is still on the back flap. 463 00:20:38,510 --> 00:20:39,810 Gaiman! 464 00:20:45,717 --> 00:20:48,952 Poor Lisa. Did it never occur to her that there might be 465 00:20:49,020 --> 00:20:51,021 three flash drives? 466 00:20:51,089 --> 00:20:54,758 I've heisted my way to the bestseller list once again. 467 00:20:54,826 --> 00:20:57,427 And the most brilliant part is, 468 00:20:57,495 --> 00:21:00,329 I don't even know how to read. 469 00:21:00,396 --> 00:21:04,396 == sync, corrected by elderman == 470 00:21:14,444 --> 00:21:18,246 Gaiman, I've been waiting to do this for a long time. 471 00:21:20,783 --> 00:21:22,650 Congratulations, partner. 472 00:21:22,718 --> 00:21:24,952 We did it. 473 00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:27,320 Hey, Neil, how come you watched me drink mine, 474 00:21:27,388 --> 00:21:28,821 but you didn't drink yours? 475 00:21:28,889 --> 00:21:30,323 It's simple, Moe. 476 00:21:30,391 --> 00:21:32,626 I don't like the taste... of poison. 477 00:21:32,694 --> 00:21:35,728 Ah... crap. 478 00:21:52,330 --> 00:21:53,524 Shh!