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{\pos(192,240)}THE D'OH-GHNUT TEAM
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{\pos(192,210)}Thank you for coming.
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{\pos(192,210)}Let's start with the words
you love to hear:
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{\pos(192,210)}"Welcome to Bible study!"
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{\pos(192,210)}Today, my readin' ribbon's smack-dab
in the middle of Matthew 23.
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{\pos(192,210)}Now let us download
the holy tweet of the Lord.
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{\pos(192,215)}Stop making this relatable.
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{\pos(192,210)}As a youth, if I don't hear
a computer word every sentence,
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{\pos(192,210)}I am outta here.
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Duly noted.
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{\pos(192,210)}But we will make sure
not to dilute the sacred gospel.
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{\pos(192,210)}Mousepad! Double click! Skype!
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{\pos(192,210)}Skype!
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{\pos(192,210)}Matthew 23:
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{\pos(192,210)}"Then spake Jesus to the multitude,
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{\pos(192,210)}and to his disciples, saying..."
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{\pos(192,210)}My bathing suit came off!
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{\pos(192,210)}It floats!
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{\pos(192,210)}I'll handle this.
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Schnell! Schnell!
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{\pos(192,210)}You are the most infuriating,
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{\pos(192,210)}Netflix DVD-burglaring,
barbecue-not-putting-out...
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{\pos(192,210)}... man I ever met!
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{\pos(192,210)}Hold that thought.
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{\pos(192,210)}That man is beyond redemption.
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{\pos(192,210)}That might seem to be true...
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{\pos(192,210)}I sense a "but" coming.
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Here comes the butt!
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{\pos(192,210)}But I think you're up
to the challenge, Ned.
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{\pos(192,210)}I've been working my Bible to the bone
trying to save that man.
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{\pos(192,210)}Ned, God has never given up
on anyone.
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What about Sodom and Gomorrah?
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{\pos(192,210)}He lovingly destroyed them.
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Instead of pushing Homer away,
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{\pos(192,210)}can't you find a way
to reach out and bring him in?
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{\$TIME FOR A GOOD DEED}
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{\pos(192,210)}Our Bible study group is going
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to the Holy Land, next month.
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I'd like you and your family
to come.
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Let me think...
Take my family to a war zone,
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on a bus
filled with religious lame-os,
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in a country with no pork,
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in a desert with no casinos...
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Where do I sign up?
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I can hear your sarcasm
from inside the house.
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And the dishwasher's on!
What's going on here?
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M. Flanders invited us to Israel.
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He wants to get Dad into heaven.
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Great. More hell for me.
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Ned Flanders, you would take us
to the Holy Land
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just to try to make my husband
a better man?
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Yep. I also want to try something
called "pita bread."
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Well, we will take you up
on your offer.
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But we insist on paying our own way.
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And Homer, put on some pants.
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The man hates pants.{\pub}
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L'chaim!
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Homie, tell them
what they want to hear.
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I can't!
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Latkes aren't as good
as American pancakes.
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They're okay with apple sauce.
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True enough.
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A truckload of apple sauce!
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{\$YOUR AMERICAN TAX DOLLARS AT WORK}
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Krusty, I've been meaning to ask.
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What are you doing here?
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I believe that every Jew
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should make a pilgrimage to Israel
before he dies.
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Yes, it is fitting.
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Don't want to end up in hell.
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- Jews don't believe in hell.
- No hell?
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Thank you, kid. You made my day.
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{\$THE WAILING WALDORF}
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You're being paid
to clean the gutters!
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This country's so historic.
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For all we know,
Jesus could have given a talk
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in conference room C.
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Welcome!
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My name is Jacob.
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You may notice I speak the English
with a slight accent.
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This is because,
as you've probably guessed,
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I used to live in London,
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and that is why I sound
like Hugh Grant.
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Come on. Let's go.
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We've got a lot of holy sites to see.
Yallah!
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We finish early,
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we go to jewelry store
owned by my cousins.
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No joke. Is true. Great prices.
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You got to haggle.
Otherwise they don't respect you!
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Let's go!
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Do you have any safety tips?
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What are you talking about?
It's the safest country in the world.
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The only danger here is dehydration.
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Drink water. Don't die.
Looks bad on me.
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Shut your face. Let's go.
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But it says in the brochure...
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Brochure?
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Who wrote your brochure?
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The same schmuck
who wrote the New Testament?
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I can't talk to you.
You talk to my niece, Doreet.
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Doreet, talk to the stupids.
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Shalom, goyem!
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Shalom to you!
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Shalom is the aloha of this place.
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Okay, lady.
You done talking now?
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Who is licensed tour guide here,
you or me?
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Now, everybody,
we have no time to see Masada.
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Everybody died there for nothing.
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Okay, first stop: Old City.
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Let's go.
Shut your face!
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The Old city.
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Where BC turned into AD! Let's go!
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Flanders, that stuff's been
here for thousands of years.
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But the breakfast buffet
at the hotel,
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which is included in our package,
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closes in ten minutes!
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Homer, that's not why we're here.
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We can see the stations
of the cross.
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After we see the stations
of the omelet bar.
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Okay, let's just put it to a vote.
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I can't believe we lost, reverend.
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These blueberry muffins are bigger
than the ones we had at Pechanga.
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Finally, something you like better
than Pechanga.
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Okay, everybody.
Please shut your face. Here we go.
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This sacred spot on Mount Zion
is King David's tomb.
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Also, where your Jesus,
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who was a native-born Israeli,
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sandals, circumcised,
perfect English accent, the whole deal.
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This is where
he had his last supper,
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before they took him away
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and hammered him up on that cross.
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You're not part of the group.
No listening!
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It's Israel. It's free country.
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Okay, that's it.
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Because of him, no Armenian quarter.
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Forget it. It's gone.
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All thanks to Mr. Listen-for-free.
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Lord, please help Homer
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experience the redemptive power
of this sacred land.
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He's going for the record!
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Flanders, you're not supposed
to help him.
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Yeah, thanks a lot, Flanders.
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Do you think you could show
the slightest bit of reverence?
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Ned, I'm an American tourist.
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I'm just here to see some sights,
try goofy new food
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and spread some shekels
with my Carolina Panthers credit card.
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Panthers!
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Could you at least
turn the camera off?
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If you say it like Dracula, I will.
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Please...
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That is going right
on stupidflanders.org.
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You know, you might really benefit
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from opening your heart
to the spirituality of this place.
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Please, neighbor?
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This really means a lot to you, huh?
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Yes, but it means more to you.
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Boy, are you lousy at reading minds.
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For you, I'll try.
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Lord, I think I may have
finally reached him...
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Homer, quit playing that back.
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I'm not. It's my ring tone.
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Yello. This is he.
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I wanted to know,
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do you deliver falafels
to the top of Mount Zion?
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Great. I'd like a large falafel
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with pepperoni, sausage,
and extra cheese.
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Yes, I know what a falafel is.{\pub}
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This...
Everybody, look at me.
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This is the western,
or as you say, wailing wall.
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It is believed that the Lord
will grant the prayers
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that are stuck into the cracks.
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Please, no graffiti,
no making the pishen. Yallah.
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"Dear Lord: Please,
fix the following parking tickets:
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"a647253,
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"sp9,
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"0325,
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Shelbyville 932871..."
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Sad.
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Never gonna happen.
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Maybe if you were Brad Pitt.
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We're supposed to be acting religiousy.
What are you up to?
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Reading prayers and ignoring them,
just like God.
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This one's from you.
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"Dear Lord, don't let Marge find out
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the hotel leaves chocolates
on the pillows at night."
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Why, you little...
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"Give my dad another heart attack?"
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Smite him
like the firstborn of Egypt.
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Dead baby, dead baby, passover,
dead baby, dead baby...
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Why am I running from a girl?
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Call me when you're old enough
for your bat mitzvah.
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I'll bring you an envelope
full of nothin'.
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- Karate!
- Krav maga!
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Krav ma-wha?
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Israeli karate.
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Less "hyah",
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More "hyah"!
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You don't fight like a girl.
Or even a Milhouse.
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I don't know what is "Milhouse".
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I work security for the tour.
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Dealing with American punks like you
counts as my military service.
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And we know all about you.
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Ay, caramba.
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Is that the ark of the covenant?
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Karate!
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Once again, krav maga!
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Quit going for my groin!
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No groin, no krav maga.
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Hello, groin.
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{\$CHURCH OF THE HOLY SEPULCHRE}
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Come on, come on!
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00:11:46,926 --> 00:11:49,374
Everybody finish lemon ice,
not allowed inside.
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00:11:51,106 --> 00:11:53,954
Before us stands the church
of the Holy Sepulcher,
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believed to be the home
of the tomb of your Lord.
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Or as he's known here,
"the man in the underpants".
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Beautiful tachtoonim.
What abs!
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He was a real good-looking one.
Nice hair. Conditioner? I think so.
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00:12:05,965 --> 00:12:09,771
And, Lord, thank you for letting me
see this wonderful place
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00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,064
where the end of the world
will soon begin.
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00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,885
And thank you again for the challenge
of Homer Simpson.
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We've all got our crosses to bear.
Me Homer, you...
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the cross. And now,
let me gaze with reverence
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upon the holy resting place that...
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This is the most sacred spot
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in Christendom,
not your backyard hammock!
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I'm sorry.
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It's just that these tours
are so exhausting.
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You're jet-lagged.
You're walking around all day.
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It's so hard to sleep
knowing Marge and the kids
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are all stuck in one small room,
and...
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It's so nice and cool
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- in the tomb of the unknown savior.
- Unknown?!
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00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,519
This is the tomb of the most famous man
who ever lived!
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- Porky pig?!
- Porky pig's not a man!
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00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:56,711
He's a pig,
and he's not even a real pig!
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But he is buried here, right?
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That's it! I'm losing it!
238
00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:02,669
I'm losing it!
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00:13:02,794 --> 00:13:05,663
You come all the way to Jerusalem,
the happiest place on earth,
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00:13:05,788 --> 00:13:08,912
and all the photos in your camera
are of funny soda pops?!
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00:13:10,150 --> 00:13:12,275
Will you...
You are such a...
242
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Chickpea fizz!
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- Delete. Delete. Delete.
- Whatever. It's your camera.
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Please,
you've got to let me back in.
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00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,227
I sold 6,000 rolls of wrapping paper
to get here.
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00:13:32,491 --> 00:13:34,230
That's your problem.
You, my friend,
247
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:36,565
are banned from ever entering
this church again.
248
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,069
B-banned for life?
249
00:13:40,012 --> 00:13:42,237
Homer,
do you know why I'm a Christian?
250
00:13:42,496 --> 00:13:46,222
- Your parents made you?
- It's because I believe every soul
251
00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:48,514
has the possibility of salvation.
252
00:13:48,639 --> 00:13:50,745
At least I thought so till now.
253
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:54,666
Homer Simpson,
you are not worth saving.
254
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,775
What? But I thought
we'd be neighbors in heaven.
255
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,422
- Goofing on all the new dead people.
- Not...
256
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:02,392
worth... saving!
257
00:14:03,545 --> 00:14:05,093
Ned! Ned, wait up!
258
00:14:11,732 --> 00:14:13,595
Ned's run off into the desert!
259
00:14:15,148 --> 00:14:18,121
A sand horse... car of the desert!
260
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:37,969
Nothing like a tall glass of lukewarm
water to Jekyll down this Hyde.
261
00:14:40,249 --> 00:14:44,049
Looks like a sandstorm's brewing.
I'll just wait it out at a movie.
262
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,662
Orthobot Prime,
the battle begins!
263
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:54,142
Not so fast...
We can't transform on the sabbath!
264
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:58,180
Let us power down
and contemplate the Torah.
265
00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:13,454
Stupid Flanders!
266
00:15:18,938 --> 00:15:20,929
There's sand in my shoe!
267
00:15:28,811 --> 00:15:31,286
Good luck surviving without me!
268
00:15:32,109 --> 00:15:34,086
Thirsty,
269
00:15:34,353 --> 00:15:37,394
I am so thirsty
270
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:41,563
and hungry and horny
271
00:15:41,688 --> 00:15:43,642
but mostly
272
00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:45,796
just thirsty
273
00:15:45,921 --> 00:15:49,155
I am so thirsty
274
00:15:51,662 --> 00:15:52,534
Water!
275
00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:54,870
{\$DEAD SEA}
276
00:15:55,927 --> 00:15:57,235
So salty!
277
00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:00,668
Maybe if I add a little salt.
278
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:30,601
You have been chosen, Homer.
279
00:16:30,726 --> 00:16:33,199
Chosen for what, o mighty gherkin?
280
00:16:33,516 --> 00:16:35,480
Rise and listen, my child.
281
00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:38,609
Yours is a great destiny.
282
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,628
Carrot, tomato, pickle, carrot,
tomato, pickle, carrot, tomato...
283
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,633
Homie, you're alive!
284
00:16:50,688 --> 00:16:52,636
I am more than alive, woman.
285
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,758
I am the chosen one
286
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:57,724
who shall unite all the faiths
of the Holy Land!
287
00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:00,852
I am... the Messiah!
288
00:17:01,224 --> 00:17:03,146
But you still have our passports,
right?
289
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:06,402
Oh, yeah.
Got to keep track of those.
290
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,120
The Messiah...
291
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:10,571
has the passports.
292
00:17:13,657 --> 00:17:16,868
{\pub}- Dad, are you okay?
- I am more than okay!
293
00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:19,871
I am the Messiah,
come to save the world!
294
00:17:20,038 --> 00:17:22,875
- Look upon me and shudder!
- I already do that.
295
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:24,752
Messiah?
296
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:27,879
- {\*Do you mind if}Can I have a word with your wife?
- As you wish.
297
00:17:28,046 --> 00:17:32,009
But look not upon her with lust,
and do not send her friendly e-mails.
298
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:33,684
That's how it begins.
299
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:39,516
Homer is suffering from what's called
"Jerusalem syndrome."
300
00:17:40,746 --> 00:17:42,251
Jerusalem syndrome:
301
00:17:42,418 --> 00:17:45,234
the name given
to religious delusions or psychoses
302
00:17:45,401 --> 00:17:47,399
that occur
when people visit Jerusalem.
303
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:49,484
{\*Have you ever noticed that}Did you notice
Dad always gets the disease
304
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:51,737
they write about
in the in-flight magazine?
305
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,114
Homer's gone!
306
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:57,951
What's he gonna do now?
307
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:02,122
Dad said
he was going to unite all faiths.
308
00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:05,876
{\*And }Only one site is sacred
to Muslims, Christians and Jews.
309
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:08,545
- The Dome of the Rock!
- Dome of the Rock?
310
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:09,713
Messiah away!
311
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,049
{\$CERTIFIED PRE-OWNED
YARMULKES}
312
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,078
This one says "Carolina Panthers"!
313
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:17,295
Messiah says...
314
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,475
Okay, everybody, come on.
315
00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:23,453
This shrine contains the rock
316
00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:26,313
on which Abraham
was going to sacrifice his son.
317
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,482
And Muslims believe something too.
318
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,026
To find out,
hire a Muslim tour guide.
319
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,653
That's a barrel of laughs.
Anyway, shut your face.
320
00:18:33,820 --> 00:18:35,989
Thanks.
You can stop giving the tour now.
321
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,450
You don't want {\*to do }a photo with me?
You can hold my gun.
322
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,203
I used it in Entebbe.
I killed three Ugandans.
323
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:45,301
Before you go in,
you fill out comment card.
324
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:48,794
{\$HUMOROUS, KNOWS THINGS, DOESN'T SPIT}
325
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:52,464
- Don't forget the back.
- You people are so pushy.
326
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,674
What, Israeli people are pushy?
327
00:18:54,841 --> 00:18:58,554
How about you experience {\*a couple of }genocides
and see how laid-back you are?
328
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:01,515
We were purged from Spain!
Throw out of there!
329
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,141
They allow everybody{\* in Spain}, there!
330
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,978
But for us, Jews,
no flamenco, get out!
331
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:07,816
I'm pushy?
Please.
332
00:19:07,983 --> 00:19:09,338
You stay there,
333
00:19:09,505 --> 00:19:12,013
surrounded
by your great enemy, Canada!
334
00:19:12,180 --> 00:19:15,404
Try Syria for two months,
then we'll see who's pushy!
335
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:20,826
Attention,
Christians, Muslims and Jews:
336
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:23,438
I have come to gather you
into a new faith.
337
00:19:23,605 --> 00:19:25,747
From now on, you shall be called...
338
00:19:25,914 --> 00:19:27,374
Chrismujews.
339
00:19:28,236 --> 00:19:29,501
I don't know.
340
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:33,505
Because when you get down to it,
aren't all religions the same?
341
00:19:33,994 --> 00:19:36,759
They tell you what to eat,
when to pray,
342
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,303
how this imperfect clay
that we call man
343
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:42,181
can mold itself
to resemble the divine.
344
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,766
But we can never attain
that ultimate grace
345
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:47,405
while there is hatred in our hearts
for each other.
346
00:19:47,572 --> 00:19:49,563
I did it.
I reached him.
347
00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:51,983
Celebrate your commonality.
348
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:55,611
Some of us don't eat pork.
Some of us don't eat shellfish.
349
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,280
But all of us love chicken.
350
00:19:58,923 --> 00:19:59,948
He's right!
351
00:20:00,198 --> 00:20:03,452
- You can simmer it in a tagine.
- In a soup, you can boil it!
352
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:04,995
Spread the word!
353
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,122
Peace and chicken.
354
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:09,541
Peace and chicken!
355
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:11,751
Don't listen to this fat idiot!
356
00:20:11,918 --> 00:20:13,128
I am your Messiah!
357
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:16,048
Avert your eyes
from my wrinkly arms!
358
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,555
Got another case
of Jerusalem syndrome.
359
00:20:19,722 --> 00:20:21,553
This looks like a job for...
360
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,930
the Messiah!
361
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:26,433
I am the Messiah!
362
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:31,104
- I want the window seat!
- Krav maga!
363
00:20:31,354 --> 00:20:33,023
You can't hurt what's already dead.
364
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:34,566
I guess you can.
365
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,193
Homer, my friend,
of all the false messiahs today,
366
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:39,321
I think you came
closest to the truth.
367
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:40,982
If I made any sense today,
368
00:20:41,149 --> 00:20:44,123
it's because all the stuff
you've told me all these years
369
00:20:44,290 --> 00:20:45,779
has finally seeped in.
370
00:20:45,946 --> 00:20:48,205
Can I buy you a $12 turkey sandwich?
371
00:20:48,546 --> 00:20:49,546
I'd like that.
372
00:20:50,027 --> 00:20:53,013
How about a Greg Norman executive
putter from the Sky Mall?
373
00:20:53,180 --> 00:20:55,295
You'd {\*probably }get a better deal
at a mall back home.
374
00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:57,130
They have malls on land?
375
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:05,451
Why don't you try having your people
being thrown out of Spain?
376
00:21:05,618 --> 00:21:08,807
Spain! No tapas!
I love eating tapas!
377
00:21:08,974 --> 00:21:10,490
I love the tiny portions!
378
00:21:10,657 --> 00:21:14,356
You don't get too full,
but you have a {\*whole }variety of flavors!
379
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:17,393
Not for me!
Every day hummus and pita!
380
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,133
Occasionally, once a week,
a little bit of falafel!