1 00:00:06,014 --> 00:00:08,539 The Simpsons S19E10 - E. Pluribus Wiggum - 2 00:01:54,666 --> 00:01:56,713 Come on, Mr. Burns, keep moving. 3 00:01:56,714 --> 00:01:59,240 We can't leave work till you do. 4 00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,135 Aw, no. 5 00:02:02,136 --> 00:02:04,606 He's talking to that mailroom guy. 6 00:02:04,607 --> 00:02:06,072 I hope he's not telling that stupid story 7 00:02:06,073 --> 00:02:07,883 about hang gliding again. 8 00:02:10,673 --> 00:02:12,048 - Oh! - Oh! Oh! 9 00:02:17,877 --> 00:02:18,946 Listen carefully. 10 00:02:18,948 --> 00:02:20,590 I have taken your wife hostage. 11 00:02:20,623 --> 00:02:21,732 If you don't have a wife, 12 00:02:21,739 --> 00:02:23,151 I have kidnapped your brother. 13 00:02:23,162 --> 00:02:24,579 Nod if you understand. 14 00:02:25,699 --> 00:02:27,500 Now back away from Burns 15 00:02:27,507 --> 00:02:29,502 and I will let your dog live. 16 00:02:31,956 --> 00:02:32,722 Good. 17 00:02:32,728 --> 00:02:35,872 Now stop and dance like a happy prospector. 18 00:02:37,025 --> 00:02:38,271 Happier. 19 00:02:39,566 --> 00:02:40,551 Happier! 20 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:43,760 Happier! 21 00:02:46,795 --> 00:02:49,073 Homer, we want to get him away from Burns. 22 00:02:49,075 --> 00:02:49,871 Oh, right. 23 00:02:49,976 --> 00:02:50,680 Just leave. 24 00:02:50,747 --> 00:02:51,892 But kick like a Rockette. 25 00:03:01,358 --> 00:03:02,261 - Woo! - Yes! 26 00:03:02,298 --> 00:03:03,223 We're free! 27 00:03:03,228 --> 00:03:05,180 Empty apartment here I come! 28 00:03:05,635 --> 00:03:06,812 Set the table, Marge. 29 00:03:06,818 --> 00:03:07,891 I can already taste 30 00:03:07,898 --> 00:03:09,543 those deep-fried pork chops. 31 00:03:09,687 --> 00:03:11,502 Don't you remember what today is? 32 00:03:11,517 --> 00:03:13,251 When you ask me that 33 00:03:13,257 --> 00:03:14,562 it's never good. 34 00:03:14,568 --> 00:03:16,092 It's the first of the month. 35 00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,551 The day you promised to start your new diet. 36 00:03:19,475 --> 00:03:21,870 I'm just really worried about your weight. 37 00:03:22,066 --> 00:03:24,312 Bart says that we got a call from NASA, 38 00:03:24,387 --> 00:03:26,063 and your gravity is pulling 39 00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:27,931 satellites out of their orbits. 40 00:03:27,935 --> 00:03:29,621 Marge, that was a joke. 41 00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,283 But it comes from a true place. 42 00:03:32,298 --> 00:03:33,092 Oh! 43 00:03:33,328 --> 00:03:35,343 Well, if I'm going to start a diet, 44 00:03:35,347 --> 00:03:36,763 this is my last chance 45 00:03:36,768 --> 00:03:38,920 to eat all the crap I love. 46 00:03:44,945 --> 00:03:47,153 I think I'll miss you most of all, 47 00:03:47,158 --> 00:03:49,480 Captain Corn Dog Schnitzel Palace. 48 00:03:49,536 --> 00:03:51,081 No tears, Homer. 49 00:03:52,457 --> 00:03:54,210 I'm lost in a crowd 50 00:03:54,386 --> 00:03:58,050 And I'm hungry like the wolf 51 00:03:58,178 --> 00:03:59,831 Straddle the line, 52 00:03:59,885 --> 00:04:01,920 in discord and rhyme 53 00:04:01,927 --> 00:04:06,293 And I'm hungry like the wolf. 54 00:04:10,435 --> 00:04:12,003 Can't let Marge see this. 55 00:04:12,438 --> 00:04:13,390 Thank you! 56 00:04:13,997 --> 00:04:16,561 A drive-up trash can. 57 00:04:16,597 --> 00:04:18,383 This must be how the rich 58 00:04:18,388 --> 00:04:20,090 toss out their gold. 59 00:04:20,136 --> 00:04:21,560 And as long as I'm cleaning out 60 00:04:21,566 --> 00:04:22,923 the family chariot... 61 00:04:23,457 --> 00:04:24,463 Cups... 62 00:04:24,837 --> 00:04:26,012 newspapers... 63 00:04:26,636 --> 00:04:27,602 bottles... 64 00:04:28,325 --> 00:04:29,433 tricycle... 65 00:04:29,896 --> 00:04:31,391 lawn chair... 66 00:04:31,957 --> 00:04:33,451 un-cashed checks. 67 00:04:36,227 --> 00:04:38,842 Hmm, "Dispose of properly." 68 00:04:38,847 --> 00:04:40,611 Aw, this book is too hard. 69 00:04:46,716 --> 00:04:48,641 And now for a victory cigar. 70 00:04:53,975 --> 00:04:54,873 Thank you! 71 00:05:01,628 --> 00:05:06,313 And I'm hungry like the wolf. 72 00:05:13,978 --> 00:05:15,991 The calamity in our Fast-Food District 73 00:05:15,995 --> 00:05:17,871 destroyed 37 restaurants rated 74 00:05:17,876 --> 00:05:19,191 "awful" to "mediocre." 75 00:05:19,198 --> 00:05:20,320 And put these beloved 76 00:05:20,327 --> 00:05:22,091 mascots out on the street. 77 00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:24,810 I told myself 78 00:05:24,815 --> 00:05:26,370 I'd stay strong. 79 00:05:28,347 --> 00:05:30,643 There, there, Cheesy McMayor. 80 00:05:30,648 --> 00:05:32,450 No one likes weepy meat. 81 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:33,903 I can't stand to see a 82 00:05:33,907 --> 00:05:35,303 grown burger cry. 83 00:05:35,318 --> 00:05:36,560 We must rebuild 84 00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:38,320 Fast Food Boulevard! 85 00:05:39,668 --> 00:05:41,162 I don't know about you, 86 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,740 but I don't want to live in a future 87 00:05:42,756 --> 00:05:44,551 where food is brought by 88 00:05:44,687 --> 00:05:45,922 "waiters..." 89 00:05:45,927 --> 00:05:47,071 where the chairs aren't 90 00:05:47,076 --> 00:05:48,590 attached to the tables... 91 00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,480 and where I can't ditch my kids 92 00:05:50,488 --> 00:05:52,441 in a pit of dirty balls. 93 00:05:52,456 --> 00:05:54,333 I say we rebuild the 94 00:05:54,346 --> 00:05:55,541 Fast-Food District 95 00:05:55,547 --> 00:05:57,731 bigger and better than ever! 96 00:05:59,665 --> 00:06:01,530 To raise the money, we'll need a bond issue. 97 00:06:01,537 --> 00:06:02,610 But won't that just shift 98 00:06:02,618 --> 00:06:04,240 the burden to your children? 99 00:06:04,257 --> 00:06:05,413 No, you idiot. 100 00:06:05,428 --> 00:06:06,412 We just pay for it with 101 00:06:06,415 --> 00:06:07,811 another bond issue. 102 00:06:07,818 --> 00:06:10,163 Let her figure out someone to dump it on. 103 00:06:11,485 --> 00:06:12,921 Then it's decided 104 00:06:12,927 --> 00:06:14,930 the bond issue will be part of our next 105 00:06:14,935 --> 00:06:15,943 scheduled election, 106 00:06:15,948 --> 00:06:18,250 the Springfield presidential primary. 107 00:06:18,256 --> 00:06:19,782 But that's not till next June. 108 00:06:19,785 --> 00:06:21,751 In that case, I hereby move 109 00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,063 the election up to next Tuesday. 110 00:06:25,618 --> 00:06:27,732 That means the Springfield presidential 111 00:06:27,746 --> 00:06:29,751 primary will be first in the nation. 112 00:06:29,755 --> 00:06:31,592 Even earlier than New Hampshire. 113 00:06:31,596 --> 00:06:32,321 Uh-oh, 114 00:06:32,326 --> 00:06:34,431 they're going to be cheesed. 115 00:06:36,448 --> 00:06:38,651 Providing cheap liquor to Massachusetts teens for 200 years. 116 00:06:41,186 --> 00:06:43,020 As they day of the primary nears, 117 00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:45,032 this race is as wide open as a 118 00:06:45,035 --> 00:06:47,290 hobo's mouthat a pie-flinging contest. 119 00:06:47,295 --> 00:06:48,793 What do you New Hampshirites think 120 00:06:48,797 --> 00:06:51,021 of the current crop of presidential candidates? 121 00:06:51,028 --> 00:06:52,872 Well, Mr. Rather, 122 00:06:52,876 --> 00:06:54,131 the way I see it, 123 00:06:54,136 --> 00:06:56,281 as my father always said, 124 00:06:56,296 --> 00:06:57,531 "The way I look at it..." 125 00:06:57,537 --> 00:06:58,662 Dan, breaking news. 126 00:06:58,665 --> 00:06:59,843 Springfield just moved its primary 127 00:06:59,848 --> 00:07:01,193 a week ahead of New Hampshire's. 128 00:07:01,198 --> 00:07:02,392 Now it's the first one. 129 00:07:02,395 --> 00:07:03,730 Sweet mother of Murrow. 130 00:07:03,805 --> 00:07:05,761 off to Springfield, people. 131 00:07:05,766 --> 00:07:06,981 Come on, folks, move it. 132 00:07:06,998 --> 00:07:08,953 Grandma was slow, but she was old. 133 00:07:08,957 --> 00:07:10,153 You have no excuse. 134 00:07:10,158 --> 00:07:11,022 Into the truck! 135 00:07:16,606 --> 00:07:18,163 To Springfield. 136 00:07:18,166 --> 00:07:19,311 Which Springfield? 137 00:07:19,317 --> 00:07:20,613 The one the Simpsons live in. 138 00:07:20,937 --> 00:07:23,303 Eh, looks like everyone's gone 139 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:24,640 but the cashier. 140 00:07:24,647 --> 00:07:26,483 Time to make our move. 141 00:07:29,045 --> 00:07:31,283 Nice knitting on these masks, Martha. 142 00:07:31,408 --> 00:07:33,093 Now that you've said my name 143 00:07:33,098 --> 00:07:34,480 I have to kill him. 144 00:07:59,633 --> 00:08:02,222 With Springfield's primary now first in the nation, 145 00:08:02,239 --> 00:08:04,501 our humble city is overrun with candidates, 146 00:08:04,502 --> 00:08:07,259 newshounds, spin doctors, hacks, flacks, Russerts, 147 00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:09,812 Blitzers and even the occasional voter. 148 00:08:09,816 --> 00:08:11,002 Sir, do you have a preference? 149 00:08:11,006 --> 00:08:12,490 Yeah, I like girls, fruit loop. 150 00:08:12,995 --> 00:08:14,692 Are you a registered voter? 151 00:08:14,737 --> 00:08:15,782 I'm a registered... 152 00:08:16,176 --> 00:08:17,512 something. 153 00:08:17,817 --> 00:08:20,160 This election is on every channel. 154 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:20,961 Come on, Marge. 155 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,400 It's primary fever. 156 00:08:22,406 --> 00:08:23,021 Catch it! 157 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,761 That's what you said about yellow fever, 158 00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:26,002 and that was no fun. 159 00:08:26,008 --> 00:08:27,933 I think it's exciting, Springfield is the 160 00:08:27,936 --> 00:08:29,691 center of the political universe. 161 00:08:29,696 --> 00:08:31,771 I feel like a pundit in a think tank! 162 00:08:31,776 --> 00:08:33,471 Think tank, eh? 163 00:08:33,476 --> 00:08:34,503 Hmm. 164 00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:37,831 Now let's consider World Bank lending 165 00:08:37,836 --> 00:08:39,603 policy towards Micronesia. 166 00:08:42,888 --> 00:08:43,303 What? 167 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,942 I'm not allowed to get one right? 168 00:08:48,665 --> 00:08:50,083 I like you newsies. 169 00:08:50,085 --> 00:08:52,150 You really lap up the sauce. 170 00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,113 Do you have Internet access? 171 00:08:54,128 --> 00:08:55,461 Sure thing, mouse pad. 172 00:08:55,478 --> 00:08:56,391 Ten bucks. 173 00:09:03,248 --> 00:09:04,423 Knock yourself out. 174 00:09:06,908 --> 00:09:09,272 This is Jon Stewart reporting from Springfield. 175 00:09:09,335 --> 00:09:10,670 Do I need to say my name? 176 00:09:10,795 --> 00:09:11,862 People know me, right? 177 00:09:12,155 --> 00:09:13,183 Know it's just cable, but... 178 00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:14,132 You know what? 179 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,111 I'm not gonna worry about it. 180 00:09:15,115 --> 00:09:15,831 I gonna just... 181 00:09:18,046 --> 00:09:18,831 Great. Now I'm worried. 182 00:09:18,835 --> 00:09:21,101 Hey, hey,it's Jon Stewart, 183 00:09:21,105 --> 00:09:23,870 everyone's favorite political funnyman! 184 00:09:23,878 --> 00:09:25,292 Hey, Krusty! 185 00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,371 Haven't seen you since you bailed on that benefit. 186 00:09:27,376 --> 00:09:29,323 Yeah, well, I really didn't 187 00:09:29,326 --> 00:09:30,933 believe in the cause. 188 00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:33,361 Well, Krusty's Kids sure missed ya. 189 00:09:33,386 --> 00:09:35,793 Yeah, they're great. 190 00:09:35,807 --> 00:09:36,843 A little clingy... 191 00:09:36,846 --> 00:09:37,491 But anyway, 192 00:09:37,498 --> 00:09:39,743 this Springfield primary election 193 00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:41,340 pretty crazy, huh? 194 00:09:41,346 --> 00:09:42,452 Yeah, it sure is. 195 00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:46,081 With many comic elements, such as, uh...? 196 00:09:46,467 --> 00:09:47,761 You know, if you ask me... 197 00:09:47,766 --> 00:09:50,840 there's more hot air here than there is at... 198 00:09:51,587 --> 00:09:52,830 Are you writing this down? 199 00:09:52,837 --> 00:09:54,262 Nah, this is somethin' else. 200 00:09:54,296 --> 00:09:55,092 So, uh, 201 00:09:55,097 --> 00:09:58,133 where is there less hot air than here? 202 00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,450 Albuquerque Balloon Festival? 203 00:10:01,458 --> 00:10:02,973 Rush Limbaugh' s sweatpants? 204 00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:03,620 Krusty, 205 00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:05,353 you're obviously fishing for jokes so 206 00:10:05,358 --> 00:10:06,563 you can steal them. 207 00:10:06,566 --> 00:10:07,290 No! 208 00:10:07,438 --> 00:10:09,440 That's ridiculous! 209 00:10:09,446 --> 00:10:11,313 More ridiculous than that place 210 00:10:11,318 --> 00:10:13,081 with all the hot air, 211 00:10:13,148 --> 00:10:14,020 which is... 212 00:10:14,296 --> 00:10:15,722 Well, I'll thank you to keep 213 00:10:15,726 --> 00:10:17,801 my zingers out of your mouth. 214 00:10:17,806 --> 00:10:18,861 I'm gonna try and remember you 215 00:10:18,867 --> 00:10:20,651 the way you used to be. 216 00:10:21,148 --> 00:10:23,111 But I've always been terrible! 217 00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,821 With me here to comment on today's 218 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:29,423 Democratic debate is Andrea Crowney of CNN, 219 00:10:29,425 --> 00:10:31,810 Dumont Evans of Slate.com 220 00:10:31,828 --> 00:10:32,963 and Ron Lehar, 221 00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:34,430 a print journalist 222 00:10:34,435 --> 00:10:36,152 from the Washington Post. 223 00:10:37,355 --> 00:10:39,441 Your medium is dying! 224 00:10:39,447 --> 00:10:40,172 Nelson! 225 00:10:40,178 --> 00:10:41,342 But it is! 226 00:10:41,345 --> 00:10:43,500 There's being right, and there's being nice. 227 00:10:48,286 --> 00:10:51,191 Thank you all for coming to our focus group. 228 00:10:51,197 --> 00:10:53,182 Today we're going to show you commercial 229 00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:54,963 from the Republican candidates. 230 00:10:54,968 --> 00:10:56,853 We'd like your honest opinions. 231 00:10:56,855 --> 00:10:58,511 This punch is too sweet. 232 00:10:58,515 --> 00:11:00,242 your blouse makes you look fat. 233 00:11:00,246 --> 00:11:02,053 Opinions about the ads. 234 00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:04,382 I live in that place! 235 00:11:05,217 --> 00:11:08,441 Who should America elect in 2008? 236 00:11:08,697 --> 00:11:10,642 Former governor Vincent Aleppo 237 00:11:10,647 --> 00:11:11,991 said in the New York Times, 238 00:11:11,998 --> 00:11:14,283 "I will protect the nation from attack." 239 00:11:14,288 --> 00:11:15,493 He's got my vote. 240 00:11:15,496 --> 00:11:18,623 But in that same issue of the New York Times, 241 00:11:18,628 --> 00:11:20,742 they also printed an article about 242 00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:23,782 terrorist leader Nussaf Al Mustaffi. 243 00:11:23,786 --> 00:11:25,601 Dear God, what have I done? 244 00:11:25,605 --> 00:11:27,081 "And you shall judge them 245 00:11:27,088 --> 00:11:29,153 by the company they keep." 246 00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:38,612 Mm, my god! 247 00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:39,942 They're going steady! 248 00:11:39,946 --> 00:11:41,450 Did everyone see that?! 249 00:11:42,948 --> 00:11:44,700 So, what do we think? 250 00:11:44,706 --> 00:11:46,472 Well, I thought every part of it was good, 251 00:11:46,478 --> 00:11:47,551 but overall, I hated it. 252 00:11:47,556 --> 00:11:49,211 I feel exactly the opposite, 253 00:11:49,217 --> 00:11:49,943 but the same. 254 00:11:49,946 --> 00:11:51,502 That was the best milkshake 255 00:11:51,508 --> 00:11:52,873 ad I've ever seen. 256 00:11:52,875 --> 00:11:54,262 It makes me wanna want a milkshake! 257 00:11:57,568 --> 00:11:59,783 The top fifth is consuming 258 00:11:59,788 --> 00:12:02,322 60% of our nation's ressources 259 00:12:02,328 --> 00:12:04,351 while the bottom two-fifths 260 00:12:04,368 --> 00:12:06,253 is consuming one eighth. 261 00:12:06,255 --> 00:12:08,163 Hence my campaign slogan, 262 00:12:08,168 --> 00:12:10,523 "End quintile disparity". 263 00:12:10,526 --> 00:12:12,122 Look, we all care about 264 00:12:12,128 --> 00:12:13,630 quintile disparity, 265 00:12:13,638 --> 00:12:15,370 but the Democrats can't win 266 00:12:15,376 --> 00:12:17,090 with another prissy brainiac. 267 00:12:17,096 --> 00:12:18,851 Thank you, Senator Winnergill. 268 00:12:19,266 --> 00:12:21,350 That's Whiner-girl. 269 00:12:31,097 --> 00:12:33,052 Honey, how many of this signs 270 00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:34,402 do I have to put up? 271 00:12:35,906 --> 00:12:37,252 25 more?! 272 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,303 What did I ever do to you to deserve this? 273 00:12:42,876 --> 00:12:44,823 You're never gonna let that go, are you? 274 00:12:45,937 --> 00:12:46,913 Oh, my god! 275 00:12:46,918 --> 00:12:48,431 That family is undecided! 276 00:12:48,437 --> 00:12:50,693 Undecided! 277 00:13:07,206 --> 00:13:10,251 I wonder who that could be... 278 00:13:15,636 --> 00:13:17,031 Family values! 279 00:13:17,035 --> 00:13:18,223 Vanishing middle class! 280 00:13:18,228 --> 00:13:18,993 Cut and run! 281 00:13:18,997 --> 00:13:21,392 Terrorists win! Terrorists win! 282 00:13:21,395 --> 00:13:23,251 Stop all this pandering! 283 00:13:23,258 --> 00:13:24,743 If you haven't sprung from her 284 00:13:24,745 --> 00:13:26,251 or aren't married to my loins, 285 00:13:26,258 --> 00:13:28,033 get the hell out of this house! 286 00:13:33,408 --> 00:13:35,333 You too, Fred Thompson. 287 00:13:35,337 --> 00:13:36,963 But I was in Die Hard. 288 00:13:37,596 --> 00:13:39,183 Die Hard Two! 289 00:13:44,988 --> 00:13:46,643 Is everyone here as sick of those 290 00:13:46,648 --> 00:13:48,430 stupid politicians as I am? 291 00:13:49,505 --> 00:13:50,662 What about the media? 292 00:13:50,668 --> 00:13:51,992 They're not covering the issues. 293 00:13:51,995 --> 00:13:53,692 They just want to declare a frontrunner 294 00:13:53,697 --> 00:13:55,152 and go back to their mansions. 295 00:13:56,508 --> 00:13:58,451 Who wants to abolish democracy forever? 296 00:13:58,455 --> 00:13:59,282 Show of hands. 297 00:13:59,337 --> 00:14:00,530 I could really go for some 298 00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:01,883 kind of military dictator 299 00:14:01,887 --> 00:14:03,381 like, uh, Juan Peron. 300 00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:04,501 When he disappeared ya, 301 00:14:04,518 --> 00:14:05,850 you stayed disappeared. 302 00:14:05,856 --> 00:14:07,232 Plus his wife was Madonna. 303 00:14:07,236 --> 00:14:08,570 What are we gonna do? 304 00:14:08,575 --> 00:14:09,932 We can't not vote, 305 00:14:09,938 --> 00:14:11,282 nobody does that. 306 00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:13,040 Why don't we all pick the most 307 00:14:13,048 --> 00:14:15,543 ridiculous candidate and write him in? 308 00:14:15,545 --> 00:14:17,123 You mean Dennis Kucinich? 309 00:14:17,128 --> 00:14:19,060 Hey! I'm right here! 310 00:14:19,065 --> 00:14:19,952 Oh, sorry. 311 00:14:19,958 --> 00:14:22,073 No, no. This candidate has to 312 00:14:22,077 --> 00:14:23,743 be unbelievably ridiculous. 313 00:14:23,746 --> 00:14:24,741 Chief Wiggum! 314 00:14:25,158 --> 00:14:25,840 No. 315 00:14:25,958 --> 00:14:27,592 But you're close. 316 00:14:27,796 --> 00:14:29,350 Roll over, Anne Coulter, 317 00:14:29,355 --> 00:14:31,520 and tell James Carville the news: 318 00:14:31,526 --> 00:14:32,691 Springfield voters have 319 00:14:32,695 --> 00:14:33,852 overwhelmingly rejected 320 00:14:33,856 --> 00:14:35,502 the major candidates of both parties 321 00:14:35,505 --> 00:14:36,971 in favor of a write-in: 322 00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:39,182 eight-year-old Ralph Wiggum. 323 00:14:39,185 --> 00:14:41,273 Shockingly, this new face is now favored 324 00:14:41,278 --> 00:14:43,671 by 53% of likely voters. 325 00:14:43,677 --> 00:14:46,031 A new frontrunner has been crowned! 326 00:14:47,248 --> 00:14:50,643 What I did made the TV thing happen. 327 00:14:55,918 --> 00:14:58,031 Live from our nation's capitol, 328 00:14:58,036 --> 00:15:00,733 this is Headbutt with Nash Castor. 329 00:15:07,188 --> 00:15:08,543 Our top story: 330 00:15:08,546 --> 00:15:10,353 President Ralph Wiggum? 331 00:15:10,356 --> 00:15:12,730 Two days ago, this bed-wetter made a splash 332 00:15:12,736 --> 00:15:14,870 in the Springfield Primary. 333 00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:16,863 With the remaining 49 primaries 334 00:15:16,905 --> 00:15:18,321 scheduled for next Tuesday, 335 00:15:18,327 --> 00:15:20,722 can Ralph go from Sesame Street 336 00:15:20,725 --> 00:15:22,333 to Pennsylvania Avenue? 337 00:15:22,337 --> 00:15:24,200 Adriatica Vel Johnson! 338 00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:25,281 Well, Nash, 339 00:15:25,288 --> 00:15:27,553 Ralph Wiggum is a breath of fresh air for 340 00:15:27,558 --> 00:15:29,641 a country hungry for a change of air. 341 00:15:29,648 --> 00:15:31,991 And he's already a master of the sound bite, 342 00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,220 from take on immigration reform... 343 00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:35,500 Stranger danger! 344 00:15:35,516 --> 00:15:38,152 ...to his disciplined stance on government spending. 345 00:15:38,155 --> 00:15:40,371 I only have this much monies. 346 00:15:40,377 --> 00:15:44,873 Well, um, I'd hate to be the fingernail in this Cobb salad, 347 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:46,681 but we don't even know if this young man 348 00:15:46,686 --> 00:15:48,390 is a Democrat or Republican. 349 00:15:48,395 --> 00:15:50,993 Before we invite Ralph to the prom, 350 00:15:50,996 --> 00:15:52,290 we should find out if he's 351 00:15:52,297 --> 00:15:54,723 wearing a tux or a tutu. 352 00:15:55,548 --> 00:15:59,042 Mom, they're taking Ralph's candidacy seriously. 353 00:15:59,046 --> 00:16:00,511 This is a disaster! 354 00:16:00,528 --> 00:16:02,171 Speaking of disasters, 355 00:16:02,177 --> 00:16:03,582 have you seen this? 356 00:16:03,586 --> 00:16:06,681 Springfield Dodge bought too much inventory, 357 00:16:06,688 --> 00:16:08,221 and they've only got one weekend 358 00:16:08,226 --> 00:16:10,570 to get rid of all the '07s. 359 00:16:13,045 --> 00:16:16,343 Lisa, I'm sure this Wiggum-arole will blow over. 360 00:16:16,345 --> 00:16:17,673 You have to have faith in 361 00:16:17,688 --> 00:16:19,513 the wisdom of the average voter. 362 00:16:19,516 --> 00:16:20,682 I dig the Wig! 363 00:16:20,687 --> 00:16:21,940 I dig the Wig! 364 00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:23,291 Oh, dear God... 365 00:16:23,296 --> 00:16:25,771 Come on, Lis, hop on the Wiggum Wagon. 366 00:16:25,778 --> 00:16:26,872 Ralph said he'd let me be 367 00:16:26,876 --> 00:16:28,091 Secretary of Indian burns. 368 00:16:28,098 --> 00:16:29,681 Here's my first official act: 369 00:16:30,146 --> 00:16:31,161 Ow! 370 00:16:31,427 --> 00:16:33,181 Ralph can't be president. 371 00:16:33,266 --> 00:16:36,192 He's the dumbest person, in the slowest reading group. 372 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,632 Lisa, being president is easy. 373 00:16:38,647 --> 00:16:40,883 You just point the Army and shoot. 374 00:16:40,888 --> 00:16:42,321 And Ralph is only eight years old. 375 00:16:42,325 --> 00:16:45,030 It says in the Constitution, you have to be 35. 376 00:16:45,057 --> 00:16:46,392 The Constitution? 377 00:16:46,425 --> 00:16:48,591 I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it 378 00:16:48,596 --> 00:16:49,780 to ensure our freedoms. 379 00:16:49,787 --> 00:16:52,282 Oh, the Patriot Act is so terrible! 380 00:16:52,287 --> 00:16:53,531 The government might find out 381 00:16:53,535 --> 00:16:55,713 what library books I take out. 382 00:16:55,718 --> 00:16:56,330 What's next? 383 00:16:56,337 --> 00:16:58,423 Finding out what operas I go to? 384 00:17:00,125 --> 00:17:01,052 So it's agreed: 385 00:17:01,056 --> 00:17:02,962 we cancel the rest of the primaries and offer 386 00:17:02,975 --> 00:17:05,960 the G.O.P. nomination to this knee-high want-wit. 387 00:17:05,965 --> 00:17:08,173 My oil rig is already gushin' for 388 00:17:08,177 --> 00:17:09,513 this Wiggum critter! 389 00:17:09,518 --> 00:17:11,460 Do you have bats in your belfry? 390 00:17:11,466 --> 00:17:14,120 They don't even let him use big-boy scissors! 391 00:17:14,137 --> 00:17:15,982 Sure he's a little green, but, uh, 392 00:17:15,988 --> 00:17:17,462 you know, so was George W. Bush, 393 00:17:17,468 --> 00:17:20,012 and look how great, uh,he-he... um... 394 00:17:20,018 --> 00:17:21,992 But at least he won! 395 00:17:21,996 --> 00:17:23,050 The second time... 396 00:17:23,058 --> 00:17:26,592 assuming they don't find those ballot boxes in Ohio. 397 00:17:27,306 --> 00:17:30,051 Look, the Wiggum boy's better than anyone else we've got. 398 00:17:30,058 --> 00:17:30,912 Hear! Hear! 399 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:34,192 Well, if you put it that way... 400 00:17:37,118 --> 00:17:39,823 This meeting of the Democratic Party 401 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,592 will come to order, babies. 402 00:17:41,596 --> 00:17:44,161 So if we nominate this Ralph Wiggums, 403 00:17:44,168 --> 00:17:47,080 we will be likean unstoppable choo-choo. 404 00:17:47,638 --> 00:17:49,213 I already got my assless, 405 00:17:49,217 --> 00:17:51,662 sparkle tux cleaned for the inauguration. 406 00:17:51,665 --> 00:17:53,661 I agree with my ex-husband. 407 00:17:53,666 --> 00:17:54,952 With Ralph on the ticket, 408 00:17:54,958 --> 00:17:56,833 I don't know how we will blow it, 409 00:17:56,835 --> 00:17:57,903 but we will. 410 00:17:57,907 --> 00:18:00,862 Because that's what the Democratic Party is all about. 411 00:18:00,867 --> 00:18:01,752 - Yeah. - Yes. 412 00:18:04,696 --> 00:18:05,881 This is Kent Brockman reporting 413 00:18:05,886 --> 00:18:06,841 from the Wiggum compound, 414 00:18:06,845 --> 00:18:08,691 where both parties have gathered to court 415 00:18:08,698 --> 00:18:10,510 the most charismatic child since 416 00:18:10,517 --> 00:18:12,412 Drew Barrymore in Firestarter. 417 00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:14,903 When she got mad, they got burned. 418 00:18:18,717 --> 00:18:19,800 Ralph, both parties want 419 00:18:19,815 --> 00:18:21,173 to offer you their nomination. 420 00:18:21,177 --> 00:18:22,031 Whom do you like? 421 00:18:23,595 --> 00:18:24,662 Go ahead, Ralphie. 422 00:18:24,677 --> 00:18:26,211 You're invited to two parties 423 00:18:26,218 --> 00:18:28,343 one with a donkey and one with an elephant. 424 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:29,250 Who do you like? 425 00:18:30,918 --> 00:18:31,852 Elmo? 426 00:18:31,858 --> 00:18:33,742 Ah, Admiral Elmo Zumwalt, 427 00:18:33,747 --> 00:18:35,502 Richard Nixon's chief of naval operations. 428 00:18:35,508 --> 00:18:37,291 So Ralph's a Republican! 429 00:18:37,295 --> 00:18:38,441 Not so fast, Kent. 430 00:18:38,446 --> 00:18:40,601 Zumwalt ran for the senatein '76 431 00:18:40,605 --> 00:18:41,522 as a Democrat. 432 00:18:41,525 --> 00:18:42,950 No way, Lou 433 00:18:42,957 --> 00:18:44,991 you're thinking of Admiral Hyman Rickover. 434 00:18:45,117 --> 00:18:46,691 The father of the Nuclear Navy? 435 00:18:46,698 --> 00:18:47,700 As if! 436 00:18:47,708 --> 00:18:49,443 Only one place to settle this : 437 00:18:49,447 --> 00:18:51,933 to the offices of the World Book Encyclopedia! 438 00:18:55,945 --> 00:18:56,673 Ralph! 439 00:18:56,726 --> 00:18:57,441 Ralph! 440 00:18:57,495 --> 00:18:58,153 Ralph! 441 00:19:04,327 --> 00:19:06,620 Ralph, darling, be a Democrat. 442 00:19:06,625 --> 00:19:08,112 We have Alec Baldwin, 443 00:19:08,118 --> 00:19:09,871 they have Stephen Baldwin. 444 00:19:09,878 --> 00:19:12,292 They might as well not even have a Baldwin. 445 00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:14,591 Leave him alone, you vultures! 446 00:19:14,637 --> 00:19:15,582 Who are you? 447 00:19:16,428 --> 00:19:18,050 Ralph and I used to date. 448 00:19:19,465 --> 00:19:20,021 Nice. 449 00:19:20,088 --> 00:19:22,133 Now maybe you can help him pick a party. 450 00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:26,200 Ralph, they have no right to do this to you. 451 00:19:26,205 --> 00:19:27,770 They just want to use you. 452 00:19:27,775 --> 00:19:29,721 Maybe I want to use them. 453 00:19:29,748 --> 00:19:31,862 Maybe you wha...?! 454 00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:34,352 Use them to make this country great again. 455 00:19:34,356 --> 00:19:36,871 When we're mad, we'll just use our words, 456 00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:39,570 then the rest of the world will play nice with us. 457 00:19:39,577 --> 00:19:42,451 And the only boom-booms will be in our pants. 458 00:19:42,955 --> 00:19:45,341 Maybe you wouldn't be such a bad president. 459 00:19:45,348 --> 00:19:47,710 And you can be my first ladle. 460 00:19:47,716 --> 00:19:49,140 I like the sound of that. 461 00:19:49,177 --> 00:19:49,762 Ralph! 462 00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:50,653 Ralph! 463 00:19:50,675 --> 00:19:51,342 Ralph! 464 00:19:51,845 --> 00:19:52,592 Ralph!! 465 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:53,373 Ralph!!! 466 00:19:53,388 --> 00:19:54,153 Ralph!!! 467 00:19:54,185 --> 00:19:55,793 The following is a paid political announcement 468 00:19:55,796 --> 00:19:57,210 by the Republican and Democratic parties. 469 00:20:05,157 --> 00:20:06,552 These are all words 470 00:20:06,555 --> 00:20:08,471 Ralph Wiggum doesn't know; 471 00:20:08,478 --> 00:20:10,312 but he doesn't need to know them, 472 00:20:10,318 --> 00:20:12,580 he lives them, every day. 473 00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:13,990 I'm voting Ralph for president. 474 00:20:13,996 --> 00:20:16,561 His easy smile makes me think everything is okay, 475 00:20:16,565 --> 00:20:17,780 even when I know it ain't. 476 00:20:17,785 --> 00:20:19,341 I'm voting for Ralph, too. 477 00:20:19,348 --> 00:20:21,150 But don't tell you-know-who. 478 00:20:22,435 --> 00:20:23,500 On November 4th, 479 00:20:23,508 --> 00:20:25,762 vote for the latest in a long line 480 00:20:25,765 --> 00:20:28,051 of great American leaders. 481 00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:30,300 I want a tricycle, 482 00:20:30,306 --> 00:20:32,983 and a dog who won't chew my Hot Wheels, 483 00:20:32,987 --> 00:20:35,300 and a brighter future for America! 484 00:20:35,308 --> 00:20:36,453 I'm Ralph Wiggum, 485 00:20:36,466 --> 00:20:38,223 and I've been a good boy!