The Simpsons S19E10 - E. Pluribus Wiggum -
Come on, Mr. Burns, keep moving.
We can't leave work till you do.
Aw, no.
He's talking to that mailroom guy.
I hope he's not telling that stupid story
about hang gliding again.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh!
Listen carefully.
I have taken your wife hostage.
If you don't have a wife,
I have kidnapped your brother.
Nod if you understand.
Now back away from Burns
and I will let your dog live.
Good.
Now stop and dance like a happy prospector.
Happier.
Happier!
Homer, we want to get him away from Burns.
Oh, right.
Just leave.
But kick like a Rockette.
- Woo! - Yes!
We're free!
Empty apartment here I come!
Set the table, Marge.
I can already taste
those deep-fried pork chops.
Don't you remember what today is?
When you ask me that
it's never good.
It's the first of the month.
The day you promised to start your new diet.
I'm just really worried about your weight.
Bart says that we got a call from NASA,
and your gravity is pulling
satellites out of their orbits.
Marge, that was a joke.
But it comes from a true place.
Oh!
Well, if I'm going to start a diet,
this is my last chance
to eat all the crap I love.
I think I'll miss you most of all,
Captain Corn Dog Schnitzel Palace.
No tears, Homer.
I'm lost in a crowd
And I'm hungry like the wolf
Straddle the line,
in discord and rhyme
And I'm hungry like the wolf.
Can't let Marge see this.
Thank you!
A drive-up trash can.
This must be how the rich
toss out their gold.
And as long as I'm cleaning out
the family chariot...
Cups...
newspapers...
bottles...
tricycle...
lawn chair...
un-cashed checks.
Hmm, "Dispose of properly."
Aw, this book is too hard.
And now for a victory cigar.
Thank you!
And I'm hungry like the wolf.
The calamity in our Fast-Food District
destroyed 37 restaurants rated
"awful" to "mediocre."
And put these beloved
mascots out on the street.
I told myself
I'd stay strong.
There, there, Cheesy McMayor.
No one likes weepy meat.
I can't stand to see a
grown burger cry.
We must rebuild
Fast Food Boulevard!
I don't know about you,
but I don't want to live in a future
where food is brought by
"waiters..."
where the chairs aren't
attached to the tables...
and where I can't ditch my kids
in a pit of dirty balls.
I say we rebuild the
Fast-Food District
bigger and better than ever!
To raise the money, we'll need a bond issue.
But won't that just shift
the burden to your children?
No, you idiot.
We just pay for it with
another bond issue.
Let her figure out someone to dump it on.
Then it's decided
the bond issue will be part of our next
scheduled election,
the Springfield presidential primary.
But that's not till next June.
In that case, I hereby move
the election up to next Tuesday.
That means the Springfield presidential
primary will be first in the nation.
Even earlier than New Hampshire.
Uh-oh,
they're going to be cheesed.
Providing cheap liquor to Massachusetts teens for 200 years.
As they day of the primary nears,
this race is as wide open as a
hobo's mouthat a pie-flinging contest.
What do you New Hampshirites think
of the current crop of presidential candidates?
Well, Mr. Rather,
the way I see it,
as my father always said,
"The way I look at it..."
Dan, breaking news.
Springfield just moved its primary
a week ahead of New Hampshire's.
Now it's the first one.
Sweet mother of Murrow.
off to Springfield, people.
Come on, folks, move it.
Grandma was slow, but she was old.
You have no excuse.
Into the truck!
To Springfield.
Which Springfield?
The one the Simpsons live in.
Eh, looks like everyone's gone
but the cashier.
Time to make our move.
Nice knitting on these masks, Martha.
Now that you've said my name
I have to kill him.
With Springfield's primary now first in the nation,
our humble city is overrun with candidates,
newshounds, spin doctors, hacks, flacks, Russerts,
Blitzers and even the occasional voter.
Sir, do you have a preference?
Yeah, I like girls, fruit loop.
Are you a registered voter?
I'm a registered...
something.
This election is on every channel.
Come on, Marge.
It's primary fever.
Catch it!
That's what you said about yellow fever,
and that was no fun.
I think it's exciting, Springfield is the
center of the political universe.
I feel like a pundit in a think tank!
Think tank, eh?
Hmm.
Now let's consider World Bank lending
policy towards Micronesia.
What?
I'm not allowed to get one right?
I like you newsies.
You really lap up the sauce.
Do you have Internet access?
Sure thing, mouse pad.
Ten bucks.
Knock yourself out.
This is Jon Stewart reporting from Springfield.
Do I need to say my name?
People know me, right?
Know it's just cable, but...
You know what?
I'm not gonna worry about it.
I gonna just...
Great. Now I'm worried.
Hey, hey,it's Jon Stewart,
everyone's favorite political funnyman!
Hey, Krusty!
Haven't seen you since you bailed on that benefit.
Yeah, well, I really didn't
believe in the cause.
Well, Krusty's Kids sure missed ya.
Yeah, they're great.
A little clingy...
But anyway,
this Springfield primary election
pretty crazy, huh?
Yeah, it sure is.
With many comic elements, such as, uh...?
You know, if you ask me...
there's more hot air here than there is at...
Are you writing this down?
Nah, this is somethin' else.
So, uh,
where is there less hot air than here?
Albuquerque Balloon Festival?
Rush Limbaugh' s sweatpants?
Krusty,
you're obviously fishing for jokes so
you can steal them.
No!
That's ridiculous!
More ridiculous than that place
with all the hot air,
which is...
Well, I'll thank you to keep
my zingers out of your mouth.
I'm gonna try and remember you
the way you used to be.
But I've always been terrible!
With me here to comment on today's
Democratic debate is Andrea Crowney of CNN,
Dumont Evans of Slate.com
and Ron Lehar,
a print journalist
from the Washington Post.
Your medium is dying!
Nelson!
But it is!
There's being right, and there's being nice.
Thank you all for coming to our focus group.
Today we're going to show you commercial
from the Republican candidates.
We'd like your honest opinions.
This punch is too sweet.
your blouse makes you look fat.
Opinions about the ads.
I live in that place!
Who should America elect in 2008?
Former governor Vincent Aleppo
said in the New York Times,
"I will protect the nation from attack."
He's got my vote.
But in that same issue of the New York Times,
they also printed an article about
terrorist leader Nussaf Al Mustaffi.
Dear God, what have I done?
"And you shall judge them
by the company they keep."
Mm, my god!
They're going steady!
Did everyone see that?!
So, what do we think?
Well, I thought every part of it was good,
but overall, I hated it.
I feel exactly the opposite,
but the same.
That was the best milkshake
ad I've ever seen.
It makes me wanna want a milkshake!
The top fifth is consuming
60% of our nation's ressources
while the bottom two-fifths
is consuming one eighth.
Hence my campaign slogan,
"End quintile disparity".
Look, we all care about
quintile disparity,
but the Democrats can't win
with another prissy brainiac.
Thank you, Senator Winnergill.
That's Whiner-girl.
Honey, how many of this signs
do I have to put up?
25 more?!
What did I ever do to you to deserve this?
You're never gonna let that go, are you?
Oh, my god!
That family is undecided!
Undecided!
I wonder who that could be...
Family values!
Vanishing middle class!
Cut and run!
Terrorists win! Terrorists win!
Stop all this pandering!
If you haven't sprung from her
or aren't married to my loins,
get the hell out of this house!
You too, Fred Thompson.
But I was in Die Hard.
Die Hard Two!
Is everyone here as sick of those
stupid politicians as I am?
What about the media?
They're not covering the issues.
They just want to declare a frontrunner
and go back to their mansions.
Who wants to abolish democracy forever?
Show of hands.
I could really go for some
kind of military dictator
like, uh, Juan Peron.
When he disappeared ya,
you stayed disappeared.
Plus his wife was Madonna.
What are we gonna do?
We can't not vote,
nobody does that.
Why don't we all pick the most
ridiculous candidate and write him in?
You mean Dennis Kucinich?
Hey! I'm right here!
Oh, sorry.
No, no. This candidate has to
be unbelievably ridiculous.
Chief Wiggum!
No.
But you're close.
Roll over, Anne Coulter,
and tell James Carville the news:
Springfield voters have
overwhelmingly rejected
the major candidates of both parties
in favor of a write-in:
eight-year-old Ralph Wiggum.
Shockingly, this new face is now favored
by 53% of likely voters.
A new frontrunner has been crowned!
What I did made the TV thing happen.
Live from our nation's capitol,
this is Headbutt with Nash Castor.
Our top story:
President Ralph Wiggum?
Two days ago, this bed-wetter made a splash
in the Springfield Primary.
With the remaining 49 primaries
scheduled for next Tuesday,
can Ralph go from Sesame Street
to Pennsylvania Avenue?
Adriatica Vel Johnson!
Well, Nash,
Ralph Wiggum is a breath of fresh air for
a country hungry for a change of air.
And he's already a master of the sound bite,
from take on immigration reform...
Stranger danger!
...to his disciplined stance on government spending.
I only have this much monies.
Well, um, I'd hate to be the fingernail in this Cobb salad,
but we don't even know if this young man
is a Democrat or Republican.
Before we invite Ralph to the prom,
we should find out if he's
wearing a tux or a tutu.
Mom, they're taking Ralph's candidacy seriously.
This is a disaster!
Speaking of disasters,
have you seen this?
Springfield Dodge bought too much inventory,
and they've only got one weekend
to get rid of all the '07s.
Lisa, I'm sure this Wiggum-arole will blow over.
You have to have faith in
the wisdom of the average voter.
I dig the Wig!
Oh, dear God...
Come on, Lis, hop on the Wiggum Wagon.
Ralph said he'd let me be
Secretary of Indian burns.
Here's my first official act:
Ow!
Ralph can't be president.
He's the dumbest person, in the slowest reading group.
Lisa, being president is easy.
You just point the Army and shoot.
And Ralph is only eight years old.
It says in the Constitution, you have to be 35.
The Constitution?
I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it
to ensure our freedoms.
Oh, the Patriot Act is so terrible!
The government might find out
what library books I take out.
What's next?
Finding out what operas I go to?
So it's agreed:
we cancel the rest of the primaries and offer
the G.O.P. nomination to this knee-high want-wit.
My oil rig is already gushin' for
this Wiggum critter!
Do you have bats in your belfry?
They don't even let him use big-boy scissors!
Sure he's a little green, but, uh,
you know, so was George W. Bush,
and look how great, uh,he-he... um...
But at least he won!
The second time...
assuming they don't find those ballot boxes in Ohio.
Look, the Wiggum boy's better than anyone else we've got.
Hear! Hear!
Well, if you put it that way...
This meeting of the Democratic Party
will come to order, babies.
So if we nominate this Ralph Wiggums,
we will be likean unstoppable choo-choo.
I already got my assless,
sparkle tux cleaned for the inauguration.
I agree with my ex-husband.
With Ralph on the ticket,
I don't know how we will blow it,
but we will.
Because that's what the Democratic Party is all about.
- Yeah. - Yes.
This is Kent Brockman reporting
from the Wiggum compound,
where both parties have gathered to court
the most charismatic child since
Drew Barrymore in Firestarter.
When she got mad, they got burned.
Ralph, both parties want
to offer you their nomination.
Whom do you like?
Go ahead, Ralphie.
You're invited to two parties
one with a donkey and one with an elephant.
Who do you like?
Elmo?
Ah, Admiral Elmo Zumwalt,
Richard Nixon's chief of naval operations.
So Ralph's a Republican!
Not so fast, Kent.
Zumwalt ran for the senatein '76
as a Democrat.
No way, Lou
you're thinking of Admiral Hyman Rickover.
The father of the Nuclear Navy?
As if!
Only one place to settle this :
to the offices of the World Book Encyclopedia!
Ralph!
Ralph, darling, be a Democrat.
We have Alec Baldwin,
they have Stephen Baldwin.
They might as well not even have a Baldwin.
Leave him alone, you vultures!
Who are you?
Ralph and I used to date.
Nice.
Now maybe you can help him pick a party.
Ralph, they have no right to do this to you.
They just want to use you.
Maybe I want to use them.
Maybe you wha...?!
Use them to make this country great again.
When we're mad, we'll just use our words,
then the rest of the world will play nice with us.
And the only boom-booms will be in our pants.
Maybe you wouldn't be such a bad president.
And you can be my first ladle.
I like the sound of that.
Ralph!
Ralph!!
Ralph!!!
The following is a paid political announcement
by the Republican and Democratic parties.
These are all words
Ralph Wiggum doesn't know;
but he doesn't need to know them,
he lives them, every day.
I'm voting Ralph for president.
His easy smile makes me think everything is okay,
even when I know it ain't.
I'm voting for Ralph, too.
But don't tell you-know-who.
On November 4th,
vote for the latest in a long line
of great American leaders.
I want a tricycle,
and a dog who won't chew my Hot Wheels,
and a brighter future for America!
I'm Ralph Wiggum,
and I've been a good boy!