The Simpsons S19E12 - Love, Springfieldian Style -
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
Sweet on you
Release the hounds
E is even more than anyone that you adore
I can't wait to see my Valentine's Day surprise.
Good, 'cause I'm parking at it right now.
A carnival?
What's so romantic about this?
- Bye! - See you later!
For the next two hours, we'll be kid-free.
It'll be just like the time we lost them at the mall.
That was the best Christmas ever.
Ah, the Tunnel of Love.
Nothing gets a woman in your arms faster
than scary robots and simulated privacy.
Marge! Look over there!
Mom and Dad are in there.
Want to ruin their fun?
Bart, no, it's Valentine's Day.
Okay...
but if Dad kisses Mom too much,
a stork will lay an angel egg in her tummy,
and the next thing you know,
we find a baby brother in the cabbage patch!
Here's a thumbnail sketch:
In the first place, you...
Do whatever you want.
I'm getting a candy apple.
Due to a classic Jell-O prank,
this ride has been disabled.
Please remain in your boats.
You will be charged for the extra time.
This is a terrible Valentine's Day.
What if I told you some of the greatest
love stories of all time?
"Romeo and Juliet"?
"Arthur and Guinevere"?
Brangelina?
Even better, a tale of...
One moment.
A tale of two young outlaws in love.
They were the Bonnie and Clyde of their day.
Their names were Bonnie and Clyde.
Miss Bonnie,
might I escort you to the picture show?
I swear I won't misbehave.
Then no, thank you.
This is Texas,
future home of Akeem Olajuwon!
And I've got dreams as big as he will be.
I want action!
Action, eh?
Clyde Barrow,
local bad boy.
Bonnie Parker.
Say, if you're so bad,
you could go stick up that feed store over yonder.
Hmm.
Unless...
you're chicken.
No one calls me "chicken" without
goading me into doing something stupid!
Ya idjit!
You could've had anything you want for free!
You're a co-owner!
I'll see you at Thanksgiving!
Oats!
Texas caviar!
Good times.
Finally. Some excitement.
Wow, I guess violence is her only turn-on.
Well, there might be others,
but I'm too lazy to figure out what they are.
So violence it is!
Oh, there's somethin' this kissin' is missin'.
Oh, Clyde, you know just what a girl likes.
Why are you shooting at us?
We cooperated fully!
It's a sex thing!
Say no more!
Hey, can I give you folks a lift?
Yes, to a series of banks, up and down the state.
Banks?
Well, deposit yourselves in a seat
because you've earned my interest!
Dateline: Texas.
A nation, crippled by unemployment and bored by Seabiscuit,
embraces two unlikely folk heroes.
Bonnie and Clyde souvenirs are flying off the shelves,
and the Dust Bowl duo has inspired their own radio show.
Uh, Bonnie, where did you put the money we stole?
I filed it under "G."
Under "G"?
Why would you file it under "G"?
Because gee, it's swell to have all that money.
I see.
Their notoriety has reached the highest levels of government
To deal with the menace of Bonnie and Clyde,
I am recalling all our air defense forces from Pearl Harbor.
Somebody please remind me to move them back.
I would be honored to perform that duty.
They're outlaws?!
I've been played like a pair of spoons!
Well, who am I to judge?
It's the Depression, money's tight...
Anyone who sees this unmarried couple should...
Unmarried?!
That's it. I'm turning them in.
Hey, keep it down, will ya?
The part where all my men get killed is coming up.
Listen, Sheriff, I can help you take down Bonnie and Clyde.
After the racially insensitive cartoon.
One taco coming up.
Even I'm offended by this,
and I'm a fat Southern sheriff.
Um...
the battery seems to be dead.
I'll get some help by hiding in that bush.
Come on, shoot! Shoot!
Oh! Not me!
Bonnie, I love you.
Will you marry me?
I don't know.
I guess I'm just looking for a little more excitement.
Okay, but if you change your mind, you know where I'm at.
Mm, I think we should see other people.
Say, Officer,
I like how you handle that gun.
Thanks.
I like the way you take a bullet.
Hey, back off! She's my girl!
Damn, just my luck!
Cool. Now we're shooting the birds
that are pecking at the bodies.
So that's the end of the story, huh?
You'd think so, but...
We want to hear a story.
A story suitable for children.
All right.
This is a story of two dogs with a love so strong,
no hose could separate them.
I call it Shady and the Vamp.
She's so beautiful.
Imagine what she looks like with her collar off.
A mutt like you could never get a fancy dame like that.
Even her fleas have more class than you.
Lady Bitington, will you be summering in the hindquarters again this year?
Oh, no!
Chompy and I have taken a cottage in West Leg.
It's where all the fleas are fleeing.
Watch and learn.
You know, heaven must have left its doggie door open
because you are one...
Oh, you poor thing!
Is there anything I can do?
You can have dinner with me.
All right.
But keep your nose where I can see it.
Can you bring a friend for me?
I like those chicks with them head cones
when they start talking, you can drop below the horizon.
Oh, Shady, you on a date, huh?
How's it-a goin'?
You say it's goin' kinda-a rough?
That is precisely what I'm saying.
Sit down. Sit down.
I bring-a you a nice-a bowl of Chianti.
Let go! Let go!
No. You let go of the spaghetti!
You're pretty feisty for an upper-class bitch.
Oh, I like that you use the technical termfor a female dog.
Run, run!
The health inspector man, he's-a here!
Why didn't I listen to Mama?
"Serve-a food to humans!"
I have to admit, that was exciting.
And I am in heat.
That's the safe time, right?
Oh, the safest.
That was the most...
wonderful night of my life.
That's odd.
I'm never sickin the morning.
What could it be?
Oh, uh...
Is that a foxhunt I hear?
Shady!
I haven't seen Shady in weeks.
Any minute now
He'll scamper through that doggie door
Any minute now
I'll be the dog she's lookin' for
Any minute now
You'll be stuck with her brood
Any minute now
This pooch will know she's screwed
My heart tells me to trust him
But your head knows he's a hound
I want to do the right thing
Come on, with all this high-class tail around?
Any minute now
Our girl will make a brand-new start
Yesss!
Any minute now
I won't care that he broke my heart
Any minute now.
- Where's our dad? - We need Daddy!
- I want to go find Daddy! - Where's Daddy?!
I don't wanna hear another word about your father.
We gotta find our daddy.
Yeah, he's gotta teach me how to lick my...
Oh, I figured it out.
You go ahead.
Come on!
- Oh, Shady! - Oh, Shady!
- Shady! - Shady!
- Daddy! - Daddy!
- We need you, Daddy! - Daddy!
Ah, got ya!
You strays are going straight to the pound
where you're put to sleep...
by my boring stories.
And then you'll be killed!
Ah, looks like that problem solved it self.
Now, uh, how 'bout you and me sniff each other's butts?
I'm just kiddin'.
Unless you want to.
Well, Looks like it's just you and me again tonight.
Gawrsh, you can't kill me.
I'm half-human!
Look, I wear clothes!
I speak English!
I'm speaking it right now!
Sure you are.
You two are next.
Here's your last meal.
It's Cycle 5,
specially formulated for dogs with five minutes to live.
Don't bite the hand that kills ye!
Yay, Dad!
I knew you'd come save us!
You two are going home,
and I'm coming with ya!
This place is no picnic,
but it sure beats working for Disney.
Look who we found!
Can I keep him? Can we keep him?
Well, that depends.
Does he want to stay?
I want to stay, sit, roll over and beg!
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please...!
All right, we can be a family.
All four of us.
Uh... you know,
there are nine other puppies.
Even love is boring when you're stuck in a tunnel of it.
Well, I've got a Valentine's Day story!
It's about musicians from a simpler time.
The era of The Brady Bunch, Donny and Marie and...
Smash the flag
Burn the queen
Kick the sky
Antichrist!
Nancy, what are the odds?
You sign up for a semester at U. of London;
then I immediately do the same.
Yeah, I'm really lucky you saved me
from meeting other people and having new experiences.
What is that raw, primo sound?
You can't go in there.
Our guide book says not to!
Hitler and her majesty
Sittin' in a tree
B-O-R-R-I-N-G!
You rule, Sid Vicious!
You sicken me!
Why am I hittin' myself?
He's so uncompromising.
He'd never go for an uncool spelling bee champion like me.
I've spelled "unrequited."
Now I know what it means.
Yo. I got Duds, Chunks, Twix,
Cadbury's, any way you want to go.
Chocolate?
Nancy's too smart to put that in her body.
It's only for losers, like musicians and...
Musicians?!
That's my girlfriend.
Then I guess you'll be paying for her chocolate.
Uh, okay.
Gotcha!
That's nice work, Officer Otto.
Happy to be of service, old bean.
...cannon, neat, neat, neat
She can't afford a gun at all Neat, neat, neat.
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y
Night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y
Night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y
Night!
Look, an American nerd bird.
Nerd bird?
Would a nerd bird have chocolate, huh?
Would a nerd bird?
Stop saying "nerd bird!"
Chocolate is boring.
Maybe I'll have a piece.
You know, just to see how boring it is.
Oh, you're offering me some?
Um... I guess I could.
I mean, I do it all the time!
- Oh! - Oh!
Yup, it's boring all right.
How much more you got?
Lots.
Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with?
I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame
What a shame
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with?
We're gonna go out and play our songs
like we've never played them before: competently!
Where's Sid?
Sidney Sheldon Vicious!
Where you been, chompin' Wonka?
When I hired a guy named Sid Vicious,
I assumed it would be a 30-year business relationship.
I told you to hire Tom Responsible.
Slag off.
Here they are, all the way from outside of Texas:
the Sex Pistols.
Education's bollocks!
Bollocks! America is bollocks!
Bollocks! Politeness is bollocks!
Bollocks! Bollocks!
Can't reach me bass.
Me back is front ward!
Dang it, I wanted to hear what else was bollocks!
You gobbed up our gig, you git!
You leave Sid alone! He doesn't need you!
He's quitting the band!
I'm doing what now?
You're quitting the band.
He's going solo, and I'm gonna write his songs!
Yeah!
Hey, you guys want to be in my new band?
Ho!! Just stop talking
and bang your head against the wall!
I'm doing this 'cause I want to,
not 'cause she told me to.
Bang harder!
Yes, pet.
'Cause love is the elixir
The potion of emotion
The world-saving fixer
The lotion of devotion.
This song doesn't make me feel angry at all.
If anything, it makes my anger ebb!
Your music violates everything punk stands for,
which is nothing!
You are no longer welcome at CBGB's...
Comic Book Guy's Bar
Oh, forget those jerks.
Let's go back to the hotel and get Snicker-faced.
Oh, I love you, my Hershey hero.
And I love you, Tootsie Roll.
Happy Valentine's Day
and shut your gob.