1 00:00:07,733 --> 00:00:10,551 (humming) 2 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:13,328 -(whirring) -(grunting) 3 00:00:13,330 --> 00:00:14,513 -(clangs) -Ow! 4 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,907 Oh, for the love of absolutely nothing, Toot. 5 00:00:16,909 --> 00:00:18,091 Keep it down! 6 00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:20,352 You're disturbing my customers! 7 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,745 (snoring) 8 00:00:21,747 --> 00:00:23,338 -(squeaks) -Start the board meeting without me. 9 00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:25,190 (snoring) 10 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:26,525 Oops. 11 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:30,529 Is my new Kawabashi Leaf Ninja set in show-off mode? 12 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:34,015 That's 500 CCs just champing at the bit. 13 00:00:34,017 --> 00:00:35,776 -(revs blower) -Ow! 14 00:00:35,778 --> 00:00:38,019 My black-market cochlear implant! 15 00:00:38,021 --> 00:00:40,355 Now let me blow something else. 16 00:00:40,357 --> 00:00:41,615 Your mind. 17 00:00:41,617 --> 00:00:44,209 Ow! My black market LASIK surgery! 18 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:47,695 The youth hockey team that I sponsor and coach 19 00:00:47,697 --> 00:00:49,214 won the championship this year. 20 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:53,610 Trophies are what they give to winners, when they win. 21 00:00:53,612 --> 00:00:55,962 F. Y. I. 22 00:00:55,964 --> 00:00:58,373 Okay, stuff like this is why Gayle left you. 23 00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:00,617 No one knows why Gayle left me, 24 00:01:00,619 --> 00:01:03,136 except for Gayle and my more-handsome brother. 25 00:01:03,138 --> 00:01:05,564 But don't let my success get to you, Moe. 26 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:08,734 Remember, just because something good happens to me, 27 00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:10,718 you're a giant loser. 28 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,906 Anyway, just something for you to stew on. 29 00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:17,725 Right. Sure I am. Me, stew. No way. 30 00:01:17,727 --> 00:01:20,304 Not stew, not me. No stew. 31 00:01:20,306 --> 00:01:21,655 -Hey, Stu. -(chuckles) 32 00:01:21,657 --> 00:01:22,915 Me, stew? 33 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:26,901 I ain't spending one second replaying my failures. 34 00:01:26,903 --> 00:01:28,645 (chuckles) 35 00:01:28,647 --> 00:01:31,148 Like how I don't got no money, I got no education. 36 00:01:31,150 --> 00:01:33,166 My mattress is a pallet of flyers 37 00:01:33,168 --> 00:01:34,409 I was supposed to deliver. 38 00:01:34,411 --> 00:01:36,820 How I was invited to five different dinners 39 00:01:36,822 --> 00:01:38,171 for schmucks in one week. 40 00:01:38,173 --> 00:01:40,081 I only got one lightbulb, 41 00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:42,101 which I got to take from room to room. 42 00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:46,087 How every sex cult I join turns into a suicide cult. 43 00:01:46,089 --> 00:01:48,941 I'm a speck. No, I'm-I'm less than a speck. 44 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:51,426 I'm nothing but, uh... I'm a scuzz. 45 00:01:51,428 --> 00:01:52,760 Moe, what gives? 46 00:01:52,762 --> 00:01:55,614 You've been dwelling on your failures for ten months. 47 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,265 Why didn't you stop me? 48 00:01:57,267 --> 00:01:59,526 'Cause then we'd have to touch your shoulder. 49 00:01:59,528 --> 00:02:00,661 (all shudder) 50 00:02:01,938 --> 00:02:03,864 Soccer season is over. 51 00:02:03,866 --> 00:02:07,108 The conquering participant returns. 52 00:02:07,110 --> 00:02:09,353 Congratulations, sweetie. 53 00:02:09,355 --> 00:02:12,205 I know how hard you strived to participate. 54 00:02:12,207 --> 00:02:15,783 It wasn't easy, but I did the bare minimum. 55 00:02:15,785 --> 00:02:19,045 Thanks for driving me to games every Saturday, Dad. 56 00:02:19,047 --> 00:02:21,047 Well, I knew it wouldn't last forever. 57 00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:23,049 And now, with soccer season over, 58 00:02:23,051 --> 00:02:25,460 sitting season... 59 00:02:25,462 --> 00:02:27,053 begins. 60 00:02:27,055 --> 00:02:28,388 Homer, get up. 61 00:02:28,390 --> 00:02:31,041 Bart's first junior hockey game is today. 62 00:02:31,043 --> 00:02:33,727 But-but kids' sports was over! 63 00:02:33,729 --> 00:02:36,563 It's great father-son bonding. 64 00:02:36,565 --> 00:02:39,549 No. It's me driving while Bart looks at his phone. 65 00:02:39,551 --> 00:02:41,827 Then it's Bart playing while I look at my phone. 66 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,830 Then me driving home while we both look at our phones. 67 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:48,392 That's what kids' sports is. 68 00:02:48,394 --> 00:02:50,727 Can I have some money to bet on the games? 69 00:02:50,729 --> 00:02:52,913 ♪ 70 00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:54,173 (indistinct chatter) 71 00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:56,082 -(whistle blows) -Okay, diapers. 72 00:02:56,084 --> 00:02:57,417 I'm gonna tell you something 73 00:02:57,419 --> 00:03:00,404 no coach ever had the heart to say to his players. 74 00:03:00,406 --> 00:03:04,099 You are only here to fix my emotional problems. 75 00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:06,351 Yeah! 76 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,836 We're 20 games away from me getting a trophy 77 00:03:08,838 --> 00:03:11,765 and six payments away from me owning this whistle. 78 00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:13,767 Now, you all know the game plan. 79 00:03:13,769 --> 00:03:16,010 We suck except Bart, so give him the stupid puck 80 00:03:16,012 --> 00:03:18,513 and then shut our stupid mouths, you stupid pukes. 81 00:03:18,515 --> 00:03:20,941 Yeah, good job, uh, kid who ain't Bart. 82 00:03:20,943 --> 00:03:23,035 Now let's go watch Bart do this! 83 00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,762 (cheering) 84 00:03:25,764 --> 00:03:27,664 ♪ 85 00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:40,552 (scoreboard buzzes) 86 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,596 (cheering) 87 00:03:43,632 --> 00:03:45,615 Oh, you're so done, Toot. 88 00:03:45,617 --> 00:03:47,451 (whoops) 89 00:03:47,453 --> 00:03:49,970 (laughter) 90 00:03:49,972 --> 00:03:52,456 (indistinct chatter) 91 00:03:52,458 --> 00:03:54,233 (whispering) 92 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:57,885 (grunts) 93 00:03:57,887 --> 00:04:02,148 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ouch... 94 00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:05,635 Oops. My biggest guy took out your scorer. 95 00:04:05,637 --> 00:04:09,306 Hey, feel free to retaliate with your biggest kid. 96 00:04:09,308 --> 00:04:11,324 Hmm. 97 00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:14,736 Put me in, Coach. I'll rip him limb from limb. 98 00:04:14,738 --> 00:04:17,163 (grunting) 99 00:04:17,165 --> 00:04:19,007 Let me at him. (grunts) 100 00:04:21,653 --> 00:04:23,553 (grunting) 101 00:04:26,158 --> 00:04:28,583 -The net ate my hockey cookie. -(audience cheering) 102 00:04:28,585 --> 00:04:30,394 (crying) 103 00:04:31,497 --> 00:04:33,830 (buzzes) 104 00:04:33,832 --> 00:04:35,983 (groaning) 105 00:04:43,675 --> 00:04:45,617 Wha... 106 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,035 (gasps) 107 00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,288 (grunts) 108 00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:52,440 Oh, thank heavens. An adult has arrived to help me. 109 00:04:52,442 --> 00:04:54,626 No, no, no. I'm just here to observe. 110 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,019 (grunts) 111 00:04:56,021 --> 00:04:58,188 Uh, how would you like to play hockey? 112 00:04:58,190 --> 00:05:00,206 Haw-haw... key? 113 00:05:00,208 --> 00:05:02,116 It's the most messed-up sport in the world. 114 00:05:02,118 --> 00:05:04,528 It's like a prison riot but with less rules. 115 00:05:04,530 --> 00:05:07,806 And you, you would play the best position of all-- 116 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,382 the goon. 117 00:05:09,384 --> 00:05:10,792 Goon... 118 00:05:10,794 --> 00:05:11,959 Pretty word. 119 00:05:11,961 --> 00:05:13,553 What it mean? 120 00:05:13,555 --> 00:05:17,632 It's that sweet spot between a thug and an enforcer. 121 00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:20,485 Anyone who comes near the best players on the team, 122 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,379 the goon turns their face into mustard. 123 00:05:22,381 --> 00:05:25,231 (chuckles) You're exactly what my team needs. 124 00:05:25,233 --> 00:05:27,400 Team? I don't do teams. 125 00:05:27,402 --> 00:05:28,735 Sorry. 126 00:05:28,737 --> 00:05:30,387 Not my pierogies! 127 00:05:30,389 --> 00:05:33,165 My Oma makes them but once a week. 128 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,892 (groans) I got to deal with this. 129 00:05:35,894 --> 00:05:37,243 Nah, I get it. 130 00:05:37,245 --> 00:05:39,412 People look at scuzzes like us like we got the plague. 131 00:05:39,414 --> 00:05:42,657 Which, when I did, it weren't even bubonic. 132 00:05:42,659 --> 00:05:45,827 Our schedule, in case you change your mind, there. 133 00:05:45,829 --> 00:05:47,161 Maybe we'll both find out 134 00:05:47,163 --> 00:05:49,089 what it feels like to be winners. 135 00:05:49,091 --> 00:05:51,016 -(grunting) -Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. 136 00:05:55,914 --> 00:05:57,689 Full steam ahead, lads. 137 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,082 We make for the goal, 138 00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:01,676 and damn their neutral zone trap. 139 00:06:01,678 --> 00:06:03,195 (laughing) 140 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:06,198 Oh, another weekend murdered by kids' sports. 141 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,091 How come this is the only league in the world 142 00:06:08,093 --> 00:06:09,943 without a labor dispute? 143 00:06:09,945 --> 00:06:11,611 Unionize, cowards! 144 00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:13,263 SEA CAPTAIN: Yarr! 145 00:06:13,265 --> 00:06:16,041 (grunts) I'm getting killed out there! 146 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,118 So you get a little dinged up. 147 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,604 You ever seen the children's wing at the hospital? 148 00:06:20,606 --> 00:06:23,106 They got murals on the walls. You'll love it. 149 00:06:23,108 --> 00:06:26,200 Everywhere you look-- rainbow, rainbow, rainbow. 150 00:06:26,202 --> 00:06:27,961 The whole league knows all they have to do 151 00:06:27,963 --> 00:06:29,554 is beat me up and they win. 152 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,539 Yeah, you're right, it's hopeless. 153 00:06:31,541 --> 00:06:34,117 There ain't nobody who's gonna walk into this rink 154 00:06:34,119 --> 00:06:35,727 and turn me into a winner. 155 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,787 No how, no when. 156 00:06:37,789 --> 00:06:40,732 Did somebody order a psycho? 157 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,883 Oh. 158 00:06:41,885 --> 00:06:43,126 Where do you want me, Crotch? 159 00:06:43,128 --> 00:06:45,295 Uh, it-it's "coach." But just get out there. 160 00:06:45,297 --> 00:06:47,197 Get out there and do your thing. 161 00:06:47,983 --> 00:06:49,482 (grunts) 162 00:06:49,484 --> 00:06:52,369 ♪ 163 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,661 (buzzing) 164 00:07:01,663 --> 00:07:02,979 -We won! -We did it! 165 00:07:02,981 --> 00:07:04,089 -Oh, my gosh! -(cheering) 166 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,483 -My life has meaning! -(blowing whistle) 167 00:07:06,485 --> 00:07:08,818 As I've been screaming for the last 15 minutes, 168 00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:12,155 -all players must be wearing skates. -Oh, come on. 169 00:07:12,157 --> 00:07:13,581 There's no way that that... 170 00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:15,100 Oh, there it is. 171 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,102 Rule number one: "No cafeteria trays." 172 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,512 The Bar Flyers forfeit. The game is over. 173 00:07:19,514 --> 00:07:21,831 ALL: Aw! 174 00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:23,166 You said I'd get to win. 175 00:07:23,168 --> 00:07:26,111 All I did was make everyone else a loser, too. 176 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:30,173 Loser? No, no, you-you were amazing out there. 177 00:07:30,175 --> 00:07:33,285 -I was? -Kid, you are a natural born goon. 178 00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:36,863 A real diamond in the urinal. All you need is some training. 179 00:07:36,865 --> 00:07:40,292 And I'm gonna make sure that you learn from the best. 180 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,129 Welcome to Top Goon. 181 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,446 It's beautiful. 182 00:07:45,448 --> 00:07:48,115 I'm gonna learn so hard, Moe. 183 00:07:48,117 --> 00:07:51,761 -I won't let you down. -I know you won't, kid. 184 00:07:53,456 --> 00:07:56,141 -What was that? -Oh, I just tousled your hair. 185 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,702 Ain't nobody ever done that before? 186 00:07:58,704 --> 00:07:59,886 Uh.. 187 00:07:59,888 --> 00:08:01,387 Keep going. 188 00:08:01,389 --> 00:08:04,298 Yeah, my arm's getting a little tired, here. 189 00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:06,568 -That's your problem. -(sighing): All right. 190 00:08:11,066 --> 00:08:13,233 Welcome to Top Goon. 191 00:08:13,235 --> 00:08:14,493 I'd like to introduce you to your faculty, 192 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:17,070 the most feared men to ever lace 'em up. 193 00:08:17,072 --> 00:08:18,830 Dave "The Hammer" Schultz. 194 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,165 That's just a nickname. 195 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:23,243 My given name is David "The Hammer" Schultz. 196 00:08:23,245 --> 00:08:25,337 Stu "The Grim Reaper" Grimson. 197 00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,747 I look sane, but trust me, I'm not. 198 00:08:27,749 --> 00:08:28,990 You'll see. 199 00:08:28,992 --> 00:08:30,842 (growly): You'll all see. 200 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,326 And Tiger Williams. 201 00:08:32,328 --> 00:08:34,829 Your instructor for Basic Pummeling 202 00:08:34,831 --> 00:08:36,014 and, time permitting, 203 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,350 The American Novel: 1930 to the Present. 204 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:39,576 (growls) 205 00:08:39,578 --> 00:08:42,670 As a goon, you have one job on the ice: 206 00:08:42,672 --> 00:08:44,898 protect your team's best scorer. 207 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,751 We call that person your "primary." 208 00:08:47,753 --> 00:08:51,196 This is the most important person in your life. 209 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,757 Who's the best scorer on your team, Muntz? 210 00:08:53,759 --> 00:08:56,943 -Bart Simpson. -Then Bart Simpson is your primary. 211 00:08:56,945 --> 00:08:58,928 Don't forget it. 212 00:08:58,930 --> 00:09:02,115 -Who do we protect? -ALL: Our primary. 213 00:09:02,117 --> 00:09:04,191 And what do we do for our primary? 214 00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:05,769 ALL: Protect them. 215 00:09:05,771 --> 00:09:07,295 And who do we protect? 216 00:09:08,698 --> 00:09:10,031 Our primary? 217 00:09:10,033 --> 00:09:11,775 This kid's good. 218 00:09:11,777 --> 00:09:14,094 ("The Hockey Song" by Stompin' Tom Connors playing) 219 00:09:16,464 --> 00:09:19,299 ♪ Hello out there, we're on the air ♪ 220 00:09:19,301 --> 00:09:20,967 ♪ It's hockey night tonight ♪ 221 00:09:20,969 --> 00:09:23,544 ♪ Tension grows, the whistle blows ♪ 222 00:09:23,546 --> 00:09:25,713 ♪ And the puck goes down the ice ♪ 223 00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:28,308 ♪ The goalie jumps and the players bump ♪ 224 00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:30,718 ♪ And the fans all go insane ♪ 225 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,129 ♪ Someone roars, "Bobby scores!" ♪ 226 00:09:33,131 --> 00:09:35,131 ♪ At the good ol' hockey game ♪ 227 00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:37,300 ♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪ 228 00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,469 ♪ Is the best game you can name ♪ 229 00:09:39,471 --> 00:09:42,563 ♪ And the best game you can name ♪ 230 00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:44,065 ♪ Is the good ol' hockey game. ♪ 231 00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:46,251 (groans) 232 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,252 Mm... 233 00:09:48,496 --> 00:09:50,680 Aw... 234 00:09:50,682 --> 00:09:52,498 Huh? 235 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,833 Hey, sorry I'm late. 236 00:09:53,835 --> 00:09:55,819 I couldn't unlock the Maps app. 237 00:09:55,821 --> 00:09:59,005 (chuckling): My phone don't recognize my face as a face. 238 00:09:59,007 --> 00:10:01,007 I can't believe you came! 239 00:10:01,009 --> 00:10:03,584 I wouldn't miss this for my own mother's funeral. 240 00:10:03,586 --> 00:10:05,845 I made that choice and I'm good with it. 241 00:10:05,847 --> 00:10:07,997 Hey, Moe. How's it going? 242 00:10:07,999 --> 00:10:09,666 You know these guys? 243 00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:12,426 I used to be the bartender in the penalty box 244 00:10:12,428 --> 00:10:14,187 at the Philadelphia Spectrum. 245 00:10:14,189 --> 00:10:16,506 (chuckles) My tip jar was full of teeth. 246 00:10:16,508 --> 00:10:19,676 I got Phil Esposito's whole mouth somewheres. 247 00:10:19,678 --> 00:10:20,785 ♪ 248 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,513 Muntz, recite the goon code. 249 00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:25,865 I am a goon. I protect my primary. 250 00:10:25,867 --> 00:10:28,109 And... that's pretty much it. 251 00:10:28,111 --> 00:10:32,021 Nelson Muntz, you've out-thugged every gorilla in your class. 252 00:10:32,023 --> 00:10:34,633 You are... Top Goon! 253 00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:36,593 ♪ 254 00:10:39,956 --> 00:10:42,140 I did... not bad? 255 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,683 Hey, you did more than that. 256 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,143 You did not horrible. 257 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,980 Now come on, I got a graduation present lined up for youse. 258 00:10:50,058 --> 00:10:52,633 From up here, the wads look like ants. 259 00:10:52,635 --> 00:10:54,969 Hey, you-you want to drop pickled eggs on them? 260 00:10:54,971 --> 00:10:56,363 Sure! 261 00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,382 Yeah, Duff lets me use their blimp 262 00:10:59,384 --> 00:11:02,402 'cause I buy up all the beer that the employees drown in. 263 00:11:02,404 --> 00:11:05,330 Pretty sweet for a couple of scuzzes. 264 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:08,149 Yeah, it's a big world down there, kid. 265 00:11:08,151 --> 00:11:09,575 And when its back is turned, 266 00:11:09,577 --> 00:11:12,595 you can steal anything you want from it. 267 00:11:12,597 --> 00:11:14,655 Oh, that egg just hit a cop's horse. 268 00:11:14,657 --> 00:11:16,566 Floor it, Jimmy! Floor it! 269 00:11:16,568 --> 00:11:18,677 (revving) 270 00:11:20,071 --> 00:11:22,222 (moaning) 271 00:11:25,911 --> 00:11:27,519 Great. I have to drive 50 miles 272 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:30,263 to spend my entire weekend freezing my ass off. 273 00:11:30,265 --> 00:11:33,858 Stone-cold sober, sitting in seats with no backs, 274 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:37,603 making awkward conversation with dads who share way too much 275 00:11:37,605 --> 00:11:39,105 about their marriages... 276 00:11:39,107 --> 00:11:42,091 I told Sarah when we got married, "I am a foot guy." 277 00:11:42,093 --> 00:11:44,093 Please guess the one part of the body 278 00:11:44,095 --> 00:11:46,187 she just doesn't moisturize? 279 00:11:46,189 --> 00:11:48,039 Seriously, guess. Guess! 280 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:51,126 -Please, just guess. -Oh... 281 00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:59,366 Nelson, could I interest you in a little skate? 282 00:11:59,368 --> 00:12:02,429 (groans) I could stretch my legs. 283 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:05,965 (thudding) 284 00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:08,560 Bart's my primary. I protect my primary. 285 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:12,230 What happened here is a result of your actions. 286 00:12:16,478 --> 00:12:18,311 (scoreboard buzzes) 287 00:12:18,313 --> 00:12:21,147 Wow. Your kid's got real talent. 288 00:12:21,149 --> 00:12:23,299 No-game recognize game, yo. 289 00:12:23,301 --> 00:12:26,486 Shut up! Shut up, all of you! Don't you see? 290 00:12:26,488 --> 00:12:28,747 There's nothing worse than your kid being 291 00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:30,081 so amazing at something 292 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:33,084 you can't blow it off! 293 00:12:33,979 --> 00:12:36,162 So, what's your old lady's 294 00:12:36,164 --> 00:12:37,997 footwear situation at night? 295 00:12:37,999 --> 00:12:39,999 Uh, socks? 296 00:12:40,001 --> 00:12:41,426 No socks? 297 00:12:46,825 --> 00:12:48,825 All right, all right, tomorrow is the finals. 298 00:12:48,827 --> 00:12:51,269 (whoops) Hockey's gonna be over! 299 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,663 -If we win, it's on to the regionals. -D'oh! 300 00:12:53,665 --> 00:12:54,998 -Then states. -D'oh! 301 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,349 -Tri-states. -D'oh! 302 00:12:56,351 --> 00:12:58,668 Quad-states, nationals, and then tri-nationals. 303 00:12:58,670 --> 00:13:00,503 (moaning) 304 00:13:00,505 --> 00:13:02,763 But first, we take on King Toots' team. 305 00:13:02,765 --> 00:13:06,192 The same puck-nuts what humiliated us the last time. 306 00:13:06,194 --> 00:13:08,027 But I know we're gonna win this game, 307 00:13:08,029 --> 00:13:11,380 because we got our little hotshot MVP. 308 00:13:11,382 --> 00:13:14,183 That's right, our Most Violent Puncher. 309 00:13:14,185 --> 00:13:15,752 -Nelson Muntz. -(gasps) -Huh? 310 00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:17,796 (Bart grumbles) 311 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:20,206 (cheering) 312 00:13:20,208 --> 00:13:22,717 I score every goal on this team. 313 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,364 -(phone chimes) -And who the hell is texting me? 314 00:13:28,366 --> 00:13:31,384 "Estee Dionne Malip?" 315 00:13:31,386 --> 00:13:34,053 Uh, does anybody know what this, uh, 316 00:13:34,055 --> 00:13:36,297 "Estee Dionne Malip" is about? 317 00:13:36,299 --> 00:13:38,891 Hey, I'm dealing with an Estee Dionne Malip? 318 00:13:38,893 --> 00:13:42,061 Anybody? I don't even know who the hell I got this from. 319 00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:44,714 (groans) I'm just gonna send it to my junk. 320 00:13:44,716 --> 00:13:46,491 (laughing) 321 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:49,052 What? What is-what is funny about that? 322 00:13:49,054 --> 00:13:51,162 -(laughing) -(grunts) 323 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,164 Show some respect to Coach. 324 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,725 Why? His car is a converted washing machine 325 00:13:55,727 --> 00:13:57,377 and his wallet is a rat trap. 326 00:13:58,913 --> 00:14:01,064 -(snaps) -(groaning) Aah! 327 00:14:01,066 --> 00:14:02,990 (laughing) 328 00:14:02,992 --> 00:14:04,917 Simpson's dead. 329 00:14:04,919 --> 00:14:09,180 Bart Simpson is your primary. Bart Simpson is your primary. 330 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,832 (chuckling): Oh, he is such a scuzz. 331 00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:13,351 So am I. 332 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:16,020 You're not my primary. He is. 333 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:18,931 -(grunts) -Ow! 334 00:14:18,933 --> 00:14:19,932 (gasping) 335 00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:22,527 (panting) 336 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,270 -(groaning) -Doc, is he gonna be all right? 337 00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:28,992 Yes. But I'm afraid his travel hockey season is over. 338 00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:34,780 (muffled grunt) 339 00:14:34,782 --> 00:14:36,541 (Homer whoops) 340 00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:38,918 (moaning) 341 00:14:40,455 --> 00:14:43,940 What... what have you done? Bart was our only chance to win. 342 00:14:43,942 --> 00:14:46,459 You were supposed to protect your primary! 343 00:14:46,461 --> 00:14:48,219 I... I was. 344 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,555 Like hell you was. Why'd I ever believe in you? 345 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:53,057 Y-You're just a fist. Nothing more. 346 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,634 Get off of my team! 347 00:14:54,636 --> 00:14:55,894 (gulps) 348 00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:58,479 Don't look at me. I'm not crying! 349 00:14:59,548 --> 00:15:01,316 (sobbing) 350 00:15:02,477 --> 00:15:03,735 (grunts) 351 00:15:08,149 --> 00:15:12,226 I just feel like "hockey team" is still a smidge too big. 352 00:15:12,228 --> 00:15:14,412 Do you have any smaller letters? 353 00:15:15,323 --> 00:15:18,541 I'm no goon. I'm just a fist. 354 00:15:20,828 --> 00:15:23,496 And this last stop in hell 355 00:15:23,498 --> 00:15:25,214 is where I belong. 356 00:15:26,075 --> 00:15:27,592 (inhales, exhales) 357 00:15:30,338 --> 00:15:32,597 ♪ 358 00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,433 Afternoon there, ma'am. 359 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,993 Uh, I'm Moe Szysl... 360 00:15:36,995 --> 00:15:38,453 Yeah, can you hurry it up? 361 00:15:38,455 --> 00:15:41,439 I got to eat this when it's fresh off the zapper. 362 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,832 It's about your kid. 363 00:15:42,834 --> 00:15:45,001 I was his hockey coach and I yelled some stuff 364 00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:47,094 that might have kicked his heart in the plums. 365 00:15:47,096 --> 00:15:49,113 Oh, so you're Coach Sizzle-slacks, 366 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,507 the guy he calls his primary. 367 00:15:51,509 --> 00:15:54,193 What? Nelson thinks I'm his primary? 368 00:15:54,195 --> 00:15:56,512 -You sure about this? -Yup. 369 00:15:56,514 --> 00:15:59,849 He yelled the whole story at the window dog. 370 00:15:59,851 --> 00:16:01,517 (growling) 371 00:16:01,519 --> 00:16:03,869 Nelson wasn't being a psycho towards Bart. 372 00:16:03,871 --> 00:16:06,205 He was being a goon for me. 373 00:16:06,207 --> 00:16:07,614 Do you know where he went? 374 00:16:07,616 --> 00:16:10,042 He said something about walking the streets. 375 00:16:10,044 --> 00:16:12,695 Coming to a fateful decision or whatnot. 376 00:16:12,697 --> 00:16:14,138 Eh. Kid stuff. 377 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,516 I got to find him before he does something crazy. 378 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:19,978 Nelson Muntz. 379 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,463 Your reputation precedes you. 380 00:16:22,465 --> 00:16:25,132 I hear you're a dingus to be respected. 381 00:16:25,134 --> 00:16:27,151 I'm just a fist with no code. 382 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,895 Figure I'll be working for you sooner or later, 383 00:16:29,897 --> 00:16:32,448 so why not get it over with? 384 00:16:35,386 --> 00:16:38,479 I have a gift for smelling out good henchmen. 385 00:16:38,481 --> 00:16:39,722 (sniffing) 386 00:16:39,724 --> 00:16:42,391 I'm getting hints of barely-suppressed rage 387 00:16:42,393 --> 00:16:44,410 with top notes of "nothing matters" and... 388 00:16:44,412 --> 00:16:45,819 (sniffing) 389 00:16:45,821 --> 00:16:49,398 ...a deep finish of abandonment by a male role model. 390 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,235 Smell all you want. It won't fix anything. 391 00:16:52,237 --> 00:16:53,252 Just tell me who to hurt. 392 00:16:53,254 --> 00:16:55,404 Want me to get him a lead pipe? 393 00:16:55,406 --> 00:16:59,517 Let's start him out easy. PVC. 394 00:17:05,099 --> 00:17:07,525 How you doing, son? Can you move? 395 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,435 A little, but it hurts. 396 00:17:09,437 --> 00:17:10,936 I meant can you move off the couch. 397 00:17:10,938 --> 00:17:14,532 I'm about to enjoy my first hockey-free weekend in months. 398 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,683 Ooh, hockey! 399 00:17:16,685 --> 00:17:18,494 (grunting) 400 00:17:19,764 --> 00:17:22,932 Homer, get up. You and Bart are gonna be late. 401 00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:25,376 What? He's useless. Doc said so. 402 00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:28,028 He can't play any sport that I have to drive him to. 403 00:17:28,030 --> 00:17:30,882 He has physical therapy, and the only place 404 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:34,293 that takes our insurance is three hours away. 405 00:17:34,295 --> 00:17:37,221 If they ask, Bart is a veteran. 406 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,598 Oh... 407 00:17:41,619 --> 00:17:43,710 Mr. Mayor, I believe you know the founder 408 00:17:43,712 --> 00:17:47,732 of this vaguely-purposed yet tax-exempt charity, 409 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,883 my goomar. 410 00:17:49,885 --> 00:17:53,029 Mistresses are the lifeblood of our community. 411 00:17:57,335 --> 00:17:59,535 Private event. No pictures. 412 00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:03,247 Well done, Nelly No-Sleeves. 413 00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,567 If you'll excuse me, 414 00:18:06,569 --> 00:18:09,812 my men and I have some perfectly innocent business 415 00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:12,998 to attend to in the back room. 416 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,301 God bless back rooms. 417 00:18:16,579 --> 00:18:17,762 You know why you're here. 418 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,674 You borrow money from me, I expect to be repaid. 419 00:18:21,676 --> 00:18:24,660 Time to make your bones. 420 00:18:24,662 --> 00:18:26,437 NELSON: Lead. 421 00:18:27,832 --> 00:18:30,015 This is all I am. 422 00:18:30,017 --> 00:18:31,317 MOE: Stop! 423 00:18:32,687 --> 00:18:35,504 Nelson, listen to me before you done did something 424 00:18:35,506 --> 00:18:36,689 you can't done undid. 425 00:18:36,691 --> 00:18:39,024 Whoever's under that hood don't deserve this. 426 00:18:39,026 --> 00:18:41,602 -They're a human being. -Moe! 427 00:18:41,604 --> 00:18:44,622 Aw, thank you, old buddy. (weak chuckle) 428 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,699 Oh, not youse! 429 00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:47,959 You got to help me out. 430 00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:50,035 I only borrowed money from the mafia 431 00:18:50,037 --> 00:18:52,296 to buy fake birth certificates for teenagers 432 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,540 so they could play ten-and-under hockey. 433 00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:57,860 No one deserves a Kansas City knee job more than this guy, 434 00:18:57,862 --> 00:18:59,378 but that don't matter none. 435 00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:02,365 You swing that pipe, that's your soul on the line. 436 00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:04,325 You're wasting your time, "Coach." 437 00:19:04,327 --> 00:19:07,203 You said it yourself: I'm just a fist. 438 00:19:07,205 --> 00:19:09,054 I know, and that's how I saw youse at first. 439 00:19:09,056 --> 00:19:10,464 As a weapon. 440 00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:11,798 I was using you, 441 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,393 because I was obsessed with beating King Toot here. 442 00:19:14,395 --> 00:19:17,229 I knew it. I'm in your head, bro. 443 00:19:17,231 --> 00:19:20,549 Feed him his own mustache! No, wait. Don't, don't. 444 00:19:20,551 --> 00:19:22,326 Listen to me. You're a great kid. 445 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:25,997 You're determined, selfless, a real teammate... 446 00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:29,000 And you did for me what I failed to do for you. 447 00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:31,752 You had my back, scuzz to scuzz. 448 00:19:34,565 --> 00:19:35,822 Aw. (chuckles) 449 00:19:35,824 --> 00:19:37,233 I don't know. 450 00:19:37,235 --> 00:19:40,236 Sometimes, boss, I think you only see me as a knife. 451 00:19:40,238 --> 00:19:41,420 Did you know I got dreams? 452 00:19:41,422 --> 00:19:43,906 I want to open a gourmet mac and cheese place 453 00:19:43,908 --> 00:19:45,332 called Louie's Gooey. 454 00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:47,593 And I'm learning Swedish on a phone app. 455 00:19:47,595 --> 00:19:49,595 But I'm just a gun to you. 456 00:19:49,597 --> 00:19:52,732 Gentlemen, I don't see you as weapons. 457 00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:56,527 (crying) 458 00:19:57,772 --> 00:20:00,514 Freaking millennials. 459 00:20:00,516 --> 00:20:04,017 Hockey's over, but maybe we could still do stuff. 460 00:20:04,019 --> 00:20:06,946 You know, like throw turtles at birds? 461 00:20:06,948 --> 00:20:08,781 Any time you want, kid. 462 00:20:08,783 --> 00:20:10,599 But whatever we do, from now on, 463 00:20:10,601 --> 00:20:13,527 let's leave the violence behind, uh? 464 00:20:13,529 --> 00:20:15,862 (grunts) Aah! 465 00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:18,457 Ah. There you go, kid. 466 00:20:18,459 --> 00:20:20,960 -You earned that. -No, I haven't. 467 00:20:20,962 --> 00:20:23,462 And that's what makes it all the sweeter. 468 00:20:23,464 --> 00:20:25,038 ("Through the Fire" by Larry Greene playing) 469 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,800 ♪ Through the fire ♪ 470 00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:30,061 ♪ To the wire ♪ 471 00:20:31,138 --> 00:20:34,139 ♪ When the night out of control ♪ 472 00:20:34,141 --> 00:20:37,217 ♪ Is breaking your heart ♪ 473 00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:39,795 ♪ Through the fire ♪ 474 00:20:39,797 --> 00:20:41,722 ♪ Through the fire. ♪ 475 00:20:41,724 --> 00:20:42,798 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 476 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:43,799 and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 477 00:20:43,801 --> 00:20:44,700 and TOYOTA. 478 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,474 Slower... 479 00:20:51,476 --> 00:20:53,659 slower... great. 480 00:20:53,661 --> 00:20:57,571 Okay, do another hundred, each one way less fast. 481 00:20:57,573 --> 00:20:58,422 Oh... 482 00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,483 Now, with three sessions a week... 483 00:21:00,485 --> 00:21:03,410 -Oh... -for the next four months... 484 00:21:03,412 --> 00:21:04,487 Oh! 485 00:21:04,489 --> 00:21:06,264 ...we can have you ready just in time 486 00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:09,008 for the start of baseball season. 487 00:21:09,010 --> 00:21:10,476 D'oh. 488 00:21:11,496 --> 00:21:14,105 ♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪ 489 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,665 ♪ Is the best game you can name ♪ 490 00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:19,001 ♪ And the best game you can name ♪ 491 00:21:19,003 --> 00:21:22,613 ♪ Is the good ol' hockey game ♪ 492 00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:26,266 ♪ It's in! ♪ 493 00:21:26,268 --> 00:21:27,526 -♪ He shoots, he scores! ♪ -(cheering) 494 00:21:27,528 --> 00:21:28,769 ♪ Henderson scores for Canada! ♪ 495 00:21:28,771 --> 00:21:30,371 Shh! 496 00:21:32,608 --> 00:21:34,709 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org