Subtitles & Sync By FridayToker
Morning.
Good morning.
Morning.
Get your fingers out of the icing.
Tommy Lee, get your fingers out of the frosting.
[Bang]
Wave those flags, son.
Get out of there!
Yeah! Hit them again!
Get out of here!
Get out of them trees, damn it!
Aah!
[Bang Bang]
Yeah! Get 'em! Migrate south, will you?
Mama.
Mama!
Three more radios for you, Shelby.
Not now, Tommy.
Mama, this nail polish is drying way too dark.
Practically paint my foot. Looks like a stuck pig bled all over my hands.
I'm sure I have something that will do.
Oh, no.
It has to be delicate.
If I don't have something,
I will send your brothers
to get delicate pink nail polish.
Mama, there's...
just a minute.
Great idea, Mama. I'd love to see what the boys would pick out.
Delivery man!
Someone stop that truck! Stop that...
Aah!
Don't put ice down my back!
You should have drowned them at birth.
Shelby.
See if you can get this.
Mama, my nails are wet.
Shelby.
Ma'am.
Would you look at those, please?
Myrtle, hi.
[Bang]
Hold on, please.
I'm going to get you right now!
[Bang]
Drum, sweetheart, I'm on the phone!
[Bang]
Stop that now! I can't hear myself think!
[Bang]
Myrtle, the champagne glasses, they're all broken.
Help.
Spud!
[Television Plays]
Spud, turn off that stupid television.
Get in here and finish dyeing these Easter eggs.
I ran out of stuff.
That's why God invented the A&P.
I got to work on the truck.
No. You got to get the lead out.
Yes, ma'am. I live to serve
if those eggs are not at the church by noon,
they don't get hidden.
[Door Slams]
Are you listening to me, Spud?
Mrs.Jones?
Are you Annelle?
Oh, you sweet thing. Come on in.
Excuse me.
And pick up my green dress at the cleaners!
Am I interrupting something?
No. I'm just screaming at my husband.
I can do that any time.
Please, call me Truvy.
Truvy. Thank you.
Mama, look at this.
This was in the hall closet.
What is it?
Rubbers.
Tommy says Jonathan's planning
to cover the honeymoon getaway car with these.
Please stop him!
Keep your voice down.
Keep your voice- Jonathan!
Boys, I want to talk to you.
Tommy.Jonathan!
Tommy!
Jonathan, don't you decorate your sister's car with condoms!
It's tacky!
It's like talking to a brick wall.
[Bang]
If he's trying to drive me crazy
it's too late.
There must be a better way to get rid of those birds.
We could cut down all our trees
or change the migratory patterns
of North American birds.
You told him to get rid of them.
I had no idea he would alienate the entire neighbourhood.
The neighbourhood would be more alienated
if they got covered in bird shit
at my reception.
Pretty talk. You have to be so crude?
[Coughing]
Okay.
Oops. I see a hole.
Yeah. I was hoping you'd catch that.
It's a little bit pouffier than I would normally do,
but I'm nervous.
Oh, I'm not worried about that.
I usually wrap my entire head in toilet paper
when I go to bed,
so it gets pretty smooched down
in that process, anyway.
In my class at the trade school,
I was number one in frosting and streaking.
I did my own.
Really?
That's good.
And I can usually spot a bottle job
at 20 paces.
Your technique is really good.
Thanks.
I think your form and content will improve with time.
So, best I can tell, young lady,
you've just landed yourself a job.
Oh! Great! Oh, thank you!
Oh, thank you, Miss Truvy.
No time for thanks this morning.
We'll be busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Here. Let me help you.
I got it.
You got hairs and fuzzies all over you.
There's so much static electricity in this room,
I pick up everything but boys and money.
Louie!
Louie, hold up.
I want you to meet Annelle.
Hi.
She's taking Judy's place.
Swell.
Louie, take out the garbage!
Can't!
Late.
What did you hire her for?
Our son.
We're so proud of him.
Annelle, honey, what do you say we talk some trash?
Okay.
I am so excited.
I can't believe it's happening.
I'm a beautician.
Ah-ah-ah. Glamour technician.
And I'll have you know you are working
in the most successful shop in this town.
I have a strict philosophy
that I have stuck to for 15 years...
There is no such thing as natural beauty.
You remember that, or we're all out of a job.
Look at me. It takes some effort to look like this.
Oh, I can see that.
How long have you been in town?
A few weeks.
New in town.
It must be exciting being in a new place.
I wouldn't know. I've lived here all my life.
Well, tell me things about yourself.
There's nothing to tell.
I live here. I've got a job now.
That's it.
Can I borrow these back issues of Southern Hair?
Sure. Take them.
It is essential
to stay abreast of the latest styles.
I'm glad to see your interest.
Well, you must live close by.
At least in walking distance.
I didn't see a car.
I don't have a car.
I've been staying across the river
at Robeline's boarding house.
That's quite a walk.
Ruth Robeline.
Now there is a stow for you.
She is a troubled, twisted soul.
Her whole life has been an experiment in terror.
Her husband got killed in World War ll.
Then her son got killed in Vietnam.
When it comes to suffering,
she is right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.
I had no idea.
[Horn Honks]
Hello, Clairee!
Good morning.
Annelle, I'd like to introduce you
to the former first lady of Chinquapin...
Mrs. Belcher.
Clairee, I'd like you to meet Annelle.
I'm a little embarrassed. I'm windblown.
I've just been to the dedication of the new children's park.
Yeah. How did that go?
Beautifully,
except Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball.
It was fabulous.
Was she hurt?
I doubt it. She got hit in the head.
Janice Van Meter's the current mayor's wife.
We hate her.
They named the new park after Clairee's late husband.
This town is so proud of her.
That's nice.
What's your family name, dear?
Well, my married name is Dupuy,
and I'm originally from Zwolle.
How nice.
Annelle, honey, there's some towels in the dryer.
Would you fold them and bring them in?
Sure.
Thank you.
Sweet gal. Where did you find her?
Yesterday, when Judy quit,
I called the trade school
and told them to send me a warm body.
Annelle was the valedictorian of the hairdo class.
And I think there's a story there.
What makes you say that?
Well, for starters, she's married,
but she's living over at Ruth Robeline's.
Alone.
I'd get to the bottom of this if I were you...
if you have silverware you'd like to keep.
I'm not worried. She's as sweet as she can be.
Besides, I kind of like the idea of hiring somebody with a past.
She can't be more than 18.
She hasn't had time to have a past.
Get with it, Clairee.
This is the '80s.
If you achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.
[Bang Bang]
Whoa!
That man!
I swear, I don't know
how M'Lynn puts up with that.
Go on! Get out of here!
Jackson, please.
I'm going to talk some sense into you.
It's bad luck to see me before the wedding.
So you are going to many me.
Jackson...
We can work this out, Shelby, please.
You want to go through with this.
I don't want to give back all the wedding presents.
That VCR alone is worth getting married for,
and I love you.
[Bang Bang]
If Daddy catches you in here,
whether or not I can carry your children
will not matter.
He will cut your thing off.
Say you're going to many me.
I hate suspense.
Okay. Okay.
You meet me at 2:00. Presbyterian church.
I'll be the one in the veil down front.
Oh.
I'm going to make you very happy.
We'll see.
Boy, give me the sports.
Boys, we're off to Truvy's.
Jonathan, keep your eye on your brother Tommy.
Am I my brother's keeper?
Your brother's warden is what you are.
That horrible woman is coming by
to deliver the groom's cake in about an...
Where's your father?
His coffee kicked in.
Shelby, let's go.
Okay, Mama. I said I'd be right there.
Shelby, you're going to be late for your own wedding.
I'm wearing my hair down 'cause Jackson likes it down.
The veil would be prettier with your hair up.
Get over it, Mama.
Whoops.
[ Woof Woof]
Come here! Stop it, Rhett!
Oh, shit!
It's Miss Ouiser.
Back door.
[Woof Woof Woof]
Drum!
Rhett!
M'Lynn!
Open the door! I know you're in there!
Drum!
I think there's somebody at the door.
I think it's for Daddy.
I know you're in there!
[Pounding On Door]
That is all she wrote!
Say please.
Thank you.
Get over here, Rhett!
Stop pulling!
Sit. Oh, Rhett!
Sit! Sit.
Ouiser, you look like hammered shit.
Don't talk to me like that!
I'm sorry You look like regular shit.
I have such a bone to pick with you.
Woof! Aah!
Stop egging him on.
Come here.
Listen, I have just come from the vet.
Come here, Rhett.
Whitey Black says
that all this noise
that you've been making around here
for the last few days
has been causing a nervous condition in my dog.
Look at this. All his hair's falling out.
[ Woof Woof]
I got to give this animal tranquillizers.
Whitey Black is a moron.
I'm not even sure he has opposable thumbs.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have work out in the backyard.
Hi, Miss Ouiser.
Ecch. Leave me alone.
Now you listen to me.
I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I heard you got so screwed up
you cut your dog out of your will
and had an ungrateful nephew put to sleep.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Well, tie a noose in it and slip it over your head.
Oh, damn it, Ouiser.
I don't want to have to kill you.
Boys! Bring me my gun!
Don't you threaten me, Drum Eatenton,
or I will call the police.
I got to scare away about five zillion birds
this afternoon before Shelby's reception.
If I don't, I'll have to deal with my wife,
and I make it a point never to deal with my wife.
But that dog is on his last legs.
What am I going to do with that poor animal?
Serve him on toast.
You get those magnolias out of my tree?
The judge has not decided whose tree that is exactly.
It is mine.
I will speak to M'Lynn about this.
Now, are these chocolate chips semisweet or milk?
They're milk.
Is the Karo syrup light or dark?
It's a matter of taste.
Where's the other one
you were talking about...
A cuppa-cuppa-cup?
That's simple. You don't need to write that down.
A cup of flour, a cup of sugar
a cup of fruit cocktail with the juice,
and you mix and bake at 350
to a golden bubbly.
Sounds awfully rich.
It is. So I serve it over ice cream to cut the sweetness.
I'll be right back, honey.
Well, M'Lynn, looks like you're ready to roll.
I think we can trust Annelle to do that.
Honey, her coiffure card's in a box on the counter.
Oh, I don't know.
Today is a very special day,
and my work tends to be too pouffe when I'm nervous.
You stop that. You're a professional now,
so get over there and bang some hair.
Does your dress have to go over your head?
No.
Oh, good.
I'm sorry.
Relax.
You can't screw up her hair.
Just make it look like a brown football helmet.
I must have missed the passage in Emily Post
that said all abuse is heaped on the mother of the bride.
Oh, hush, girls.
Shelby, your mama never tells us much.
What's Jackson like?
He's really cute.
I thought he was a pest at first,
but he kind of grew on me and now I love him.
You made a very good catch, Shelby.
Louisiana lawyers do well, whether they want to or not.
I don't really care.
Don't get me wrong.
The money's real nice and all,
but I just like the idea of growing old with somebody.
My dream is to get old
and sit on the back porch covered with grandchildren
and say “no” and “stop that.”.
Are you going to quit your nursing job?
Never. I love it.
I love being around all those babies.
Drum and I both feel
she should not work after she gets married.
I'm so anxious to discuss this topic
for the 900th time this week.
You should not be on your feet all day long.
You should be kinder to your circulatory system.
You know what you need in here, Truvy?
You need a radio.
Music is a wonderful thing to have in the background.
It takes the pressure off everybody feeling they have to talk so much.
I used to have one,
but I slammed it against the wall
when I couldn't figure out where the batteries went.
Of course I know now
I was suffering from premenstrual syndrome.
Radio- What did I just...
Oh, yes.
The Antilley family is selling KPPD.
I wonder how much radio stations sell for.
Miss Clairee, you should buy KPPD.
You got plenty of money.
What would I do with a radio station?
Business never interested me
Lloyd took care of all that stuff.
I hope you and Jackson will be as happy
as Lloyd and I were.
We had such a good time...
until November.
At least he hung on through the state play-offs.
Miss Clairee, there are still good times to be had.
Well, I really do love football,
but it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live.
What are your colours, Shelby?
They're Blush and Bashful.
Ooh!
Her colours are pink and pink.
My colours are Blush and Bashful, Mama.
How precious is this wedding going to get?
My colours are Blush and Bashful.
I have chosen two shades of pink.
One is much deeper than the other.
But the bridesmaids' dresses, they are really beautiful.
The ceremony will be, too.
The walls are banked with sprays of flowers
in my two shades of Blush and Bashful,
pink carpet specially laid out for my service
and pink silk bunting
draped over anything that would stand still.
That sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.
I like pink. Pink is my signature colour.
How many bridesmaids?
Nine.
Nine? Good lord.
Exactly.
Mama made me have my cousins and Margie St. Maurice.
Let's not go into this now.
There was no way around it.
It will be pretentious.
And Daddy always says,
“An ounce of pretension's worth a pound of manure.”.
The poet laureate of Dogwood Lane.
Mama, I wish you'd get off Daddy's back.
Shelby, look. I don't...
Fill us in on the reception.
My reception, my reception...
Ferns, dancing, tons of people,
every pink flower west of the Mississippi,
wedding cake in the dining room,
and the groom's cake hidden in the carport.
Shelby and I, we agree on one thing...
The groom's cake. The groom's cake.
It's awful.
It's in the shape of a giant armadillo.
An armadillo?
You're joking, right?
Jackson wanted a cake in the shape of an armadillo.
His aunt makes them.
It's unusual.
It's repulsive.
It's got Grey icing
I can't even begin to think how you make Grey icing.
Worse, the cake part is red velvet cake...
Blood red.
People are going to be hacking into this poor animal.
It looks like it's bleeding to death.
The rehearsal supper was a real experience.
Mama, it wasn't that bad.
It was at Jackson's uncle's place on the river.
Jackson's from a good ol' Southern family
with good ol' Southern values...
Either shoot it, stuff it, or marry it.
They're simply outdoorsy, that's all.
Did y'all do anything especially romantic?
We drove down to Frenchman's Point
and went parking.
Ooh.
Oh, Shelby, really.
Oh, M'Lynn, leave her alone.
This is my favourite part.
This is the romantic part.
Now, see, that's what really melts my butter.
Well, then, we went skinny-dipping,
and we did things that frightened the fish.
It's been a long time since we've had a youngster in this place.
And we talked and talked and talked.
I love those kind of talks...
In the arms of the man you love.
Actually, we fought most of the time.
You fought?
'Cause I told him I wouldn't many him.
What?
Why did you do a thing like that?
Oh, it's okay now. We worked it all out.
Oh, it was probably one of those last-minute jitter things.
No, but the wedding's still on.
Well, thank goodness,
because this is going in the hairdo hall of fame.
Shelby, you scared us.
That wasn't a nice thing to do to your mama.
Never say a thing like that to a woman who's marinating 50 pounds of crab claws.
Oh, but the making up can be so romantic.
I miss romance so much.
Oh, Truvy. It can't be that bad.
Oh, really, now?
The last romantic thing my husband did for me
was back in 1972.
He enclosed this carport so I could support him.
I think I have something that could cheer you up.
Drum and I have been planning
on talking to your husband
about building a room onto our house.
If you'll give Spud a job, I'll give you hot oil treatments for the rest of your life.
Annelle, this looks pretty good.
I think you know what you're doing.
[Annelle] Thank you.
Mrs. Eatenton, you have great hair.
Your scalp's as clean as a whistle.
[M'Lynn] I try.
[Truvy] It must run in the family.
The young 'un's got the prettiest hair I ever had my hands in.
Just because I'm bragging on you, don't get lazy.
Hold your head up.
Stop it.
Shelby?
Shelby.
M'Lynn!
I'll get some juice.
Truvy, there's some candy in my purse.
I have some right here.
Shelby, Shelby, hold on.
Clairee's getting you some juice.
Shelby, Shelby, Shelby.
Should I get her a cookie?
No. Juice is better.
Here's the juice.
Shelby. Shelby, you need some juice.
You need some juice.
Stop it, Mama.
Drink the juice.
Please.
No! Stop it, Mama! I have some candy in my purse.
You didn't bring your purse, sweetheart. You didn't bring your purse.
No, you didn't. Here you go.
There you go. Drink some of this.
It's not any wonder,
with all this running around and wedding nonsense.
Excuse me. Should I call the doctor or something?
No, no.
She's a diabetic.
She just has a little too much insulin, that's all.
A little more in her, she'll be all right.
If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to leave.
I'd love to see you try.
Cooperate, please.
Honey, drink, please.
Come on now. That a girl.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
There you go, there you go.
There, there, there. That's a start.
This one hit her fast.
She's been so upset lately.
Dr. Mitchell told her on her last appointment...
children aren't possible.
Don't talk about me like I'm not here.
Oh, oh, oh. She's making some sense now.
Yes, she is.
This one was not bad at all. It was not bad at all.
Now I think we need a little more juice.
Could I do something to help?
No. She'll be fine. Don't fuss over her.
Normality is very important to Shelby.
Here, M'Lynn. Thanks.
I am really sorry about the children part, M'Lynn.
I know.
Shelby's afraid that Jackson will be throwing away
his chance to have children.
Jackson said...
“Shelby, don't be stupid.
There's plenty of kids out there need good homes.”.
Drink some.
“We'll adopt 10 of them.
We'll buy them if we have to.”
Jackson sounds like good people to me.
Oh, Mama, I'm sorry.
That's all right, honey. Oh, it's all right.
It's all over now. It's over.
You hold your juice.
Okay.
It's all over. Hold your juice.
All right.
Okay.
You all right?
Oh, Truvy, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'll fix it.
We'll fix it.
Okay.
What did I do with my gun? Where did you leave it?
How the hell do I know?
Well, come on. We have work to do.
Daylight's burning.
We're going to get rid of some birds.
Whoo! Got the arrows, Daddy.
All right, all right.
Hey! Hey! Lookee here, lool<ee here.
Dad, I got the target.
No. We're not going target shooting. Forget it.
Miss Clairee, what cute shoes.
You think so?
I'm not so sure myself.
They seem a little too racy for me.
I'll probably give them away.
They're just too cha-cha for words.
I'll buy them from you.
What size you wear?
I wear a size 6,
but a 7 feels so good I buy a size 8.
They're 81/2.
Perfect.
Lord, give us strength.
Come here, Rhett!
That is one ugly dog.
What kind of dog is that?
If it had hair, a Saint Bernard.
This is it. I've found it. I am in hell.
Good morning, Ouiser.
Don't try to get on my good side.
I no longer have one.
You're a little early, ain't you?
That is precisely why I'm here...
to talk to M'Lynn about her husband.
He is a boil on the butt of humanity.
I'm sorry, Ouiser. This whole thing has gotten out of hand.
It's not your fault. I used to think you were crazy for marrying that man.
Then I thought you were a glutton for punishment.
Now I realize you must be on some mission from God.
Miss Ouiser, Daddy isn't trying to drive you crazy.
He's just trying to make my reception nice.
His heart's in the right place.
Ouiser, I know for a fact
there will be no more gunshots.
He was going to fire a gun at me.
They're blanks.
Drum would never point a gun at a ady.
He's a real gentleman.
I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.
Who the hell are you?
Uh... Annelle.
This is my new...
Fine.
Now I know everybody in this town.
And I don't recall having seen you before.
I just moved into town not too long ago.
With your family?
I don't have any family to speak of.
Your husband?
My husband?
Yes.
Well, that's kind of hard to say.
I, uh...
I don't know.
You don't know?
Well, I'm not sure.
You're not sure?
I'm intrigued. Are you married or not?
These are not difficult questions.
Well... we're...
I can't talk about it.
Of course you can.
Well, I'm not sure if I'm married or not.
He's gone.
Men are the most horrible creatures, honey.
They will ruin your life, mark my words.
Everything is horrible.
Bunky- that's my husband- He just vanished last week.
He took all the money, my jewellery, the car.
Most of my clothes were in the trunk.
He's in big trouble with the law.
Mm-hmm.
Drugs or something.
The police keep questioning me, but I don't know anything.
They say that our marriage may not be legal.
Well, I wish you'd have said something.
I was scared to.
I need a job in the worst way.
I didn't know if you would hire someone who may or may not be married
to someone who might be a dangerous criminal.
But, Miss Truvy, I swear to you,
my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.
Of course it won't.
I really don't think things could get any worse.
Of course they can.
We are awful.
We are all hateful, awful people.
Here all we've been talking about
is weddings and psychotic animals.
What can we do to help?
I know one thing.
Drop by this afternoon.
You're going to have some bleeding armadillo groom's cake.
[M'Lynn] Oh, yes, you must.
Oh, no, I couldn't. I still get real emotional sometimes.
Not today you won't.
It's going to be a great party.
Well, I don't have anything to wear.
I'll bet I have something that will do.
I'll call the house.
Uh, thanks.
All right. Load me up.
Ready? All right.
We're ready.
All right.
Are you read)I?
Stand back. Here we go.
Whoa!
Aah! Aah!
[ Woof Woof]
What the hell is that?
You got them real nice, Dad!
You nailed them!
Yeah! Yeah!
I hope no one was hurt.
Shelby, get my things.
Rhett!
Miss Ouiser, that dog will eat Daddy alive.
Ohh, no!
Ouiser, talk to him! He'll listen to you!
Please! It's my wedding day. Say something!
Kill, Rhett! Kill!
Daddy, we're coming!
Bite him in the balls!
[Organ Plays “Because” ]
♪ Because God made thee mine ♪
♪ I'll cherish thee ♪
♪ Through light and darkness ♪
♪ Through all time we'll be ♪
♪ And pray his love ♪
♪ Will make our love divine, v.
Sorry.
♪ Because God ♪
♪ Made thee mine 4;?
I'm sorry.
[Playing The “Wedding March”]
Now.
Shelby.
Shelby, it's time.
Daddy, it's time.
It's time.
It's time!
Grrr.
Who gives this woman in marriage?
Her mother and I do!
[Guests Laughing]
Dearly beloved...
♪ I know a barber shop way across town ♪
♪ Down on North Walker street ♪
♪ It's the loneliest place on a Saturday night ♪
This has been the happiest day of my life, Daddy.
Oh, I'm glad, sugar.
I'm not talking too loud, am I?
No, you're fine.
Shelby loves you very much.
I hope so.
It cost me 60 bucks to rent this sucker.
L-I'm being serious.
So am I.
I got the receipt right here.
Could I say this, please?
Shelby is so happy.
I know when you're young
it seems like everything will always be perfect.
Maybe it will be.
Promise me you'll think about it
before you make any big decisions about family.
I know what you're saying.
Good.
♪ Never won't' come, come, come ♪
♪ If you don't 7-11, dice ♪
♪ I'm done, done, done ♪
♪ Now if I see the police before he sees me ♪
♪ I'm gonna run, run, run ♪
♪ Cause I'm the leader of society ♪
♪ Since I got mine... ♪ ♪
What can I get you?
Nothing. No, thanks.
You sure? It's free.
Oh?
Come on. What will it be?
A cherry Coke.
Sure.
So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
Neither. Sh-Shelby invited me.
I don't know why I'm here.
I'm Sammy.
And this here's the best cherry Coke in the history of the world.
Can I help you, sir?
That Jackson, he is one big hangin' man.
Yes, I know.
Nancy Beth, come along.
Calories, calories.
I don't like Belle Marmillion.
I don't trust anybody that does their own hair. I don't think it's normal.
She's the best volunteer we have at the mental guidance centre.
She's so good with troubled children.
Wish I'd have taken Louie there and got him straightened out.
Even his imaginary playmates wouldn't play with him.
Oh, Truvy, your boy grew up fine. He's just a little scary.
I just think it'd be fun to have access to all that secret personal information.
Oh, come on, M'Lynn.
Tell me some of your most bizarre cases,
and let me see if I can figure out who they are.
No.
There's some pretty sick tickets in this town.
I will do no such thing. Cut that out.
You old fuddy-duddy.
["Rock And Roll" Plays]
I'm not speaking to you.
Oh, what a shame.
I mean it, Drum.
Can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?
Thanks, Ouiser.
Nothing like a good piece of ass.
Clairee, you know I'd rather walk on my lips than to criticize anybody.
But... Janice van Meter
I know.
I bet money she's paid $500 for that dress
and don't even bother to wear a girdle.
Looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket.
I haven't left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was 14.
You were brought up right.
Congratulations, Drum.
Big day, isn't it?
Grrr.
Ouiser? Ouiser, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
That looks like an autopsy.
This is Jackson's Aunt Fern Thornton.
From Alexandria.
She made the cake.
You did this?
Guilty.
Well, it's very simple, really.
It just takes patience.
You only do armadillos?
No. I can do anything- except snakes.
I don't have the counter space.
♪ Son of a gun, we're gonna have big fun ♪
♪ On the bayou ♪
♪ Whoa, jambalaya and a crawfish pie ♪
♪ And a fillet gumbo ♪
♪ Cause tonight I'm gonna see my cher a mio ♪
♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar ♪
♪ And be gay-o ♪
♪ Son of a gun, gonna have some fun ♪
♪ On the bayou ♪
♪ Thilbodaux, Fontaineaux ♪
♪ This place is buzzin' ♪
♪ Kinfolk come to see Yvonne by the dozen ♪
♪ Dress in style, go hog wild, me oh my oh ♪
♪ Son of a gun, gonna have big fun ♪
♪ On the bayou ♪
♪ oh, jambalaya and a crawfish pie ♪
♪ And fillet gumbo ♪
J 'Cause tonight I'm gonna see my cher a mio ♪
♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar ♪
♪ And be gay-o ♪
♪ Son of a gun ♪
♪ Gonna have big fun on the bayou ♪
♪ Jambalaya and a crawfish pie ♪
♪ A fillet gumbo ♪
J 'Cause tonight I'm gonna see my cher a mio ♪
♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar ♪
♪ And be gay-o ♪
♪ Son of a gun ♪
♪ Gonna have big fun on the bayou ♪ ♪
Mama... help me.
Well, this is it. You're finally rid of me.
Oh, I think you'll be back every now and then.
Corsages are pretty stupid
when you think about it, aren't they?
You make Jackson Latcherie take good care of you.
Mama, Jackson will take care of me.
And I'll take care of him.
And I'm not stupid.
I'll get my bags.
[Guests Cheering] [Horn Honking]
[Gunshots]
Well, the boys just brought the car around.
What did they do to it?
Let me put it this way...
if you and Jackson want to practice safe sex, you're all set.
Truvy, are you leavin g so early?
Yeah. But I'll have sweet dreams with this under my pillow.
I hope your husband feels better.
He's going to be fine.
Say hello to Spud. I'll do it.
I'm sure he's sorry he missed all this.
Such a beautiful wedding. Thanks, Truvy.
You're leaving so soon?
Hi.
Hello.
Would you like a ride?
I have new shoes.
Have to break them in.
Well, good night. It was a lovely day.
Stop it.
Walk me home, Clairee.
You just live over there.
I don't want to walk in that house by myself.
You watch the news.
You know what kind of world we're living in.
Walk me home.
Who's going to walk me home?
You've got the flash-light.
My car's parked over there.
This is ridiculous.
You're only a few feet away.
Will you follow me? Follow me.
You're acting like a child.
The older you get the sillier you get.
The older you get the uglier you get.
And last, but never least,
Santa's most beautiful helper,
this year's Miss Merry Christmas
Nancy Beth Marmillion!
Get it while the getting's good!
Best food in Louisiana!
Blood, sweat, and tears go in every little bowlful.
Right, boys?
That's right, Truvy.
1, 2, 3, 4...
Shelby!
Well, get your little country butt over here.
Were you trying to sneak by us without buying some of our jumbo shrimp?
They're hot and spicy, just like Annelle.
Truvy, stop.
You should try one.
We've already pulled their heads off.
No, I'm just killing time.
Jackson's found a firearm. We may never see him again.
How about a glass of iced tea? It's the house wine of the South.
Perfect.
Oh, coming up.
Bet your mama's happy
you got home in time for the festival.
I wouldn't miss the festival. How's your family?
Oh, fine. Spud's as outgoing as ever.
Louie brought his girlfriend home,
and the nicest thing I can say about her
is all her tattoos are spelled correctly.
Oh, Truvy.
Get your money away.
Thanks.
Well, my hair's not the only thing that's changed.
So much has happened.
After they finally put Bunky Dupuy behind bars
and I was rid of him
I went wild.
I was running around drinking, smoking.
Jezebel.
Truvy helped me see the error of my ways.
She gave me a place to live.
Now I go to church.
I've done guest lectures on beauty at the trade school.
Annelle's become one of the hottest tickets in town.
Oh, Truvy, hush. It's true.
Well, I am enjoying the city more,
and I'm so excited about this Christmas festival.
There's a Messiah sing-along tomorrow. Oh, no!
What's the matter?
Oh, nobody move! My contact! Oh, no!
Stay back!
Wait, don't move! Can you back up, please?
Hello, darlings. When did you get into town?
This afternoon. Here, merry Christmas.
Thank you.
I've been trying to show Jackson everything. He's never been to the festival.
Listen to the football game tonight.
Sure. What are we listening for?
Me. Didn't your mama tell you?
Mama never tells anyone anything.
I'm the colour announcer for the Devils. I'm fabulous.
I'm just too colourful for words.
Nice of them to let you talk on the radio.
Nice, nothing. I own the radio station.
You bought it!
Yes. KPPD, the station of choice in Chinquapin Parish.
Mrs. Belcher, we got to go! The kick-off! Bye!
[ Radio: Announcer] This has been an extremely hard-fought football game,
considering the fact that the Dry Prong lines
don't seem to have the kind' of depth that Chinquapin has.
[ TV Continues ]
Well?
Nope.
Rolly Bassett got the contract.
His bid was 6,000 under mine.
6,000.
Well, he owns all his own equipment, and I don't.
It's hell to be poor and hired out.
Well, I have got some fried chicken here, prepared by Christian women,
a bottle of cheap wine,
and I've arranged for some pretty incredible fireworks.
Oh, come on, Spud.
I don't want to miss
the nativity made entirely out of sparklers.
I don't feel much like it.
Well, you will once we get there.
I'm happy where I am.
Spud.
We always watch the fireworks.
Whoa. Thst's the ball game. Final score...
This is KPPD Radio,
station of choice in Chinquapin Parish,
coming to you live from the Devils' locker room.
This is Bark Boone with colour announcer Clairee Belcher.
Thank you, Bark.
You know, Bark, it's a shame our listeners can't be here
to see the gorgeous new Devil uniforms.
Uh... they're lovely.
I would never have chosen those white pants.
They're filthy. I would have gone with a darker colour.
White shows everything. Just look at those grass stains.
Impossible to get out.
It's hard to keep white clean when you're tackled.
But I love the tops, such a vibrant purple.
Would you call this colour grape or aubergine?
Shut up.
What?
You're making a fool out of yourself, Clairee.
I am not.
This is football.
All the people want to hear about is touchdowns and injuries.
They don't give a damn about that grape shit.
We have this new psychiatrist that comes in two days a week.
Of course, I pick her name out of the grab bag.
I got to get her something. Put that on the list.
I have no idea what to get your father.
What's Jackson giving you? Do you know?
Furniture.
Furniture? Well, my.
Must be nice to be married to a rich lawyer.
What's it for, the living room?
No. For the nursery.
We wanted to tell you
when you and Daddy were together, but you're never together,
so... it's every man for himself.
I'm pregnant.
I realize that.
Well, is that it?
Is that all you're going to say?
What do you want me to say?
Well, something along the lines of“congratulations.”.
Congratulations.
Would it be too much to ask...
for a little excitement?
Not too much. I wouldn't want you to break a sweat or anything.
It's in July.
Oh, Mama.
You have to help me plan.
We're going to get a new house.
Jackson and I are going house hunting next week.
Jackson loves to hunt for anything.
What does Jackson say about all this?
He's so excited.
He says he doesn't care whether it's a boy or a girl,
but I know he really wants a son so bad he can taste it.
He's really cute about the whole thing. It's all he talks about- Jackson Latcherie, jr.
Does he ever listen?
I mean, when doctors and specialists give you advice,
does he listen?
I know you never do. Does he?
Huh?
What?
Well, I guess since he doesn't have to carry the baby,
it really isn't any of his concern.
Mama.
I want a child.
What about adoption? You filled out all the applications.
Mama, no judge is going to give a baby
to someone with my medical record.
Jackson even put out feelers about buying one.
People do it all the time.
Listen to me.
I want a child of my own.
I think it would help things a lot.
I see.
Mama, you worry too much.
In fact, I never worry, 'cause I always know you're worrying enough for both of us
Jackson and I have given this a lot of thought.
Has he really? There's a first time for everything.
Don't start on Jackson Mama.
Your poor body has been through so much.
Why deliberately do this to yourself?
Diabetics have healthy babies all the time.
You are special, Shelby.
There are limits to what you can do.
I'm going to be...
very, very careful.
Nobody's going to be hurt
or disappointed or even inconvenienced.
Least of all Jackson, I'm sure.
You're jealous
because you no longer have a say-so in what I do,
and that drives you up the wall.
You're ready to spit nails because you can't call the shots.
I did not raise my daughter to talk to me like this.
Yes, you did. Oh, no, I didn't.
Whenever any of us asked you what you wanted for us when we grew up, what did you say?
I'm not in the mood to play games.
Just tell me what you said.
The only thing I have ever said to you is that I want you to be happy.
Okay. The one thing that would make me happy
is to have a baby.
If I could adopt one, I would, but I can't.
I'm going to have a baby,
and I wish you'd be happy, too.
I'll tell you what I wish.
I don't know what I wish.
Mama, I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult.
I look at having this baby as the opportunity of a lifetime.
Sure, there may be risk involved,
but that's true for anybody.
But you get through it, and life goes on.
When it's all said and done, there'll be a little piece of immortality
with Jackson's good looks and my sense of style, I hope.
Please.
I need your support.
I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful
than a lifetime of nothing special.
Okay. All right. I'm going to hand it to you.
I don't want to hit you upside the head.
I got one hole left. Right.
Put the cords behind the pole.
If they show, it'll look tacky.
You told me about 40 times.
Annelle, did you do all this?
Guilty.
Truvy just turned over the decoration responsibility to me.
Look. I went to the fire sale
at the Baptist book store in Shreveport last week.
They had mismatched manger scenes at incredibly low prices.
I cleaned them out of baby jesuses,
which I made into ornaments.
She's ready to roll.
Would you do the honers?
Yeah. Here you are, Mrs. Latcherie.
Thanks, Sammy.
Ready?
♪ Down in Louisiana ♪
♪ We have a Cajun Christmas... ♪ ♪
Annelle, it's wonderful.
It works!
How cute.
I think your elves have gone berserk.
Well, Shelby,
I wasn't expecting to see you.
What can I do for you?
I'm running a special called a Christmas quickie.
I'm beyond help.
Last week I discovered the early stages of crow's feet.
Honey, time marches on.
Eventually you realize it's marching across your face.
Oh, no.
It's Miss Ouiser.
I'm supposed to give her a pedicure today.
I hate working on her feet.
It could have been worse.
She could have wanted a bikini waxing.
Let's not get graphic.
Why not?
Miss Ouiser, I met an old friend of yours.
Oh?
Owen Jenkins.
Oh.
Owen. Now, there's a blast from the past.
Do you remember him?
He remembers you.
He had the longest nose hair in the free world.
Now he hardly has any hair anywhere.
Owen's been gone from Chinquapin Parish since God was a boy.
I'd forgotten he'd existed.
He lives in Monroe and goes to First Presbyterian.
He asked if I knew you.
He used to live in Ohio somewhere.
His wife just died, and he's moved back down here.
Does this story have a point?
No, not really. He just remembers you fondly, I think.
I can't imagine why.
He was not a bad fellow, but I managed to run him off
and marry the first of two total deadbeats.
Maybe sometime I could arrange
for us all to get together.
Maybe not.
Why not?
Shelby, I managed in a few decades
to marry the two most worthless men in the universe
and then proceeded to have the three most ungrateful children ever conceived.
The only reason people are nice to me
is because I have more money than God.
I'm not about to open a new can of worms.
Ouiser.
What?
If this is how you feel, it isn't healthy.
Maybe you should come to the guidance centre
and talk to someone. We're there to help.
I'm not crazy, M'Lynn.
I've just been
in a very bad mood for 40 years.
[Doorbell Rings]
Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, look at you.
Is that new?
I made the dress with my own two hands.
I just threw the rest together.
The only thing that separates us from the animals
is our ability to accessorize.
Oh.
Annelle, why are you so late?
Did you and Sammy get tangled up in the tinsel?
Truvy. You kill me.
Merry Christmas.
Oh! Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, darling.
I have to tell you your nephew Marshall
is a little piece of heaven on earth.
They're family, and I love them,
but they do look carved out of cream cheese.
Clairee, I'm surprised at you
talking about your kin that way.
Well, as somebody always said,
if you can't say anything nice about anybody,
come sit by me.
That's a good one.
Miss Ouiser.
What?
There's somebody that wants to see you.
Who?
I've opened the can of worms for you.
What?
Hell.
Owen Jenkins.
Hello, Louisa. Remember me?
My God, you look different. Have you shrunk?
You look terrific.
You've hardly changed at all.
I'm not as sweet as I used to be.
♪ Jesus Lord, at thy birth... ♪ ♪
I cannot believe Shelby did that.
Owen...
After all these years.
I'm not sure I can be gracious under pressure.
Shelby does a lot of things I can't believe.
M'Lynn, what's wrong with you these days?
You got a reindeer up your butt?
Everybody! Tommy, get all these people outside.
Come on, everybody.
My dad's going to say something.
I just want a moment of your time, folks, now.
Today my daughter...
told me a big secret.
Daddy.
Don't worry. I'm not going to tell them you're pregnant.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I'm just going to tell them I'm going to be a granddaddy.
Oh. That's wonderful.
Oh, Grandma!
Congratulations.
Well, ain't you excited?
Smile. It increases your face value.
And the doctor said Shelby couldn't have children.
Yeah. What do they know? She showed them.
They said she shouldn't' have children.
There's a big difference.
This baby is not exactly great news.
Jackson and Shelby.
[Cheering]
Oh, M'Lynn, I really wish
I had some words of wisdom, but I don't.
Why don't we focus on the joy of the situation?
It'll be fine.
Absolutely.
You know what they say...
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Nothing pleases Shelby more than proving me wrong.
Oh, and to my new grand-baby...
May he be as good-looking as I am.
♪ Born on the third of July ♪
♪ He's a Yankee Doodle sweetheart ♪
♪ He's a Yankee Doodle boy ♪
♪ Yankee Doodle went to London ♪
♪ Just to ride the ponies ♪
♪ He is a Yankee Doodle boy ♪ ♪
Whoo!
Go ahead. Blow it out, buddy.
This is boring as hell.
You only have your first birthday once.
Little buddy's making a wish.
I wish he'd just blow out the candle
I can't stand this.
Don't you dare.
Come on. Look. Look.
Here we go.
1... 2... 3...
Yay. Yay.
Happy birthday.
I'll be back from Truvy's in about an hour.
Anything you want?
I think I'll come with you
I want to get my hair cut.
Short. And I want Truvy to do it.
It's easier to take care of.
I'd love to be able to run my fingers through it and go.
I think that would be precious.
I feel the need to make things as simple as possible.
Let me go tell Jackson.
Shelby.
Shelby, I just can't seem to find the wipes.
They're in my bag. Is he wet?
He's muddy.
Miss Clairee, finish about your nephew.
Get to the good stuff.
Well, I have to admit,
Marshall did go about it the wrong way.
He marched in,
and without so much as a hello, he said,
“Mama and Daddy, I have something to tell you.
“L have a brain tumour.
I have three months to live.”.
Well, naturally, Drew and Belle became hysterical.
Then he said, “Hey, folks, I'm only kidding.
I'm just gay.
That was his idea of breaking the news gently?
Marshall was always very theatrical.
I wonder what Drew and Belle must be feeling about this.
I don't know.
They have considered themselves a model family for so long.
First Nancy Beth dethroned
from her Miss Merry Christmas title
because of that unfortunate motel thing.
What motel thing? I don't live here any more. Remember?
Nancy Beth was discovered in a local motel
with a high political official.
They were both high.
They'd been smoking everything but their shoes.
She's the first Miss Merry Christmas in history
to be caught with her tinsel down around her knees.
Well, speaking of drawers, hang on to yours.
Ta-da!
Oh, gosh.
Oh, you don't like it.
I did what you asked me, didn't I?
Yes, Truvy, you did a beautiful job.
Well, it's just that...
Oh, sweetheart, don't.
Please don't cry, or I will, too.
I have a strict policy
that nobody cries alone in my presence.
I love it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, now, Truvy, let's do my nails.
This is a treat.
Nobody around here ever wants a manicure.
I don't think I would even know what to charge for a full day's beauty.
I'll need one, too.
I'm going to paint my front door red
and change my name to Elizabeth Arden.
Amen.
Annelle, I'm going to need more cuticle oil.
Is it still next...
Second shelf.
Was she praying?
Yes.
Why?
Got me. Maybe she was praying for Marshall and Drew and Belle.
Maybe for us 'cause we were gossiping.
Maybe because the elastics shot in her panty hose.
She's prays at the drop of a hat these days.
How long has she been this way?
Since Mardi Gras.
She had her choice of going to a Bible weekend
or to New Orleans with me and two other sinners.
What does her boyfriend say?
Sammy's so confused, he don't know whether
to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
He says he could deal with another man,
but he's having trouble with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
Ahem.
Oh, well, does Marshall have, you know, friends?
Well, we discussed that.
I asked him how he... met people.
In my day you could tell
by a man's carriage and demeanour
which side his bread was buttered on,
but in this day and age, who knows?
I asked Marshall, “How can you tell?”.
And he said, “AII gay men have track lighting
“and all gay men
are named Mark, Rick or Steve.”.
Be a soft-spoken dog.
Morning.
What's so funny in there?
Clairee's just been telling us this true story of track lighting.
Oh, I love mine.
Highlights my new artwork.
Since when do you have track lighting?
About three weeks.
It's in the foyer up the staircase.
My grandson's idea.
I haven't seen him in ages.
How is he?
Steve's fine.
Shelby.
Oh, God. Your hair is so short.
Why are you in such a good mood?
Did you run over a small child or something?
Tomatoes.
Don't give all these to me.
Somebody's got to take them.
I try not to eat healthy food if I can possibly help it.
The sooner my body gives out, the better off I'll be.
I can't get enough grease into my diet.
Why do you grow them?
Because I'm an old Southern woman.
We're supposed to wear funny-looking hats and ugly clothes and grow vegetables in the dirt.
Don't ask me those questions.
I don't know why. I don't make the rules.
[Burp]
Oh, now, that's attractive, Ouiser.
Hmm. Shelby.
Oh, honey, what have you done to yourself?
It doesn't hurt.
M'Lynn, have you seen this?
Yes, I have.
The doctor's just trying to strengthen my veins.
They're in terrible shape.
My God.
It looks like you've been driving nails up your arms.
What is going on?
Shall we tell them, Mama?
Well, I guess we can't keep it a secret any longer.
Shelby has been driving nails up her arm.
It's my dialysis.
It's no big thing.
Don't look at me like that.
Having Jack, jr. Put too much strain on my kidneys.
Now they're kaput, that's all.
The doctor said this would probably happen.
That's all?
That's all, she says.
Do you do this dialysis forever?
Well, I could, I suppose,
but it's not real convenient when you're trying to keep up with Jack, Jr.,
so I'll have a kidney transplant, I'll be fine.
Is it that easy? Sure.
They do three or four a week in Shreveport.
They do. Our Sunday school class was just praying for one the other day.
The hard part's finding the kidney, isn't it?
I saw something about it on TV- very dramatic.
These medical teams ﬂy all over the place,
taking hearts, kidneys, and who knows what else.
What impressed me most
was they carry those organs in beer coolers.
Stop it.
Those doctors take out their six-packs,
throw in dry ice and a heart, and get on a plane.
How long do you have to wait for one?
There are people on dialysis that have been waiting for years.
That must be agony.
Well, I suppose, but I'm lucky.
I don't have to wait any more.
Mama's going to give me one of her kidneys.
When?
We check in tomorrow morning.
So you better get going on my nails.
Annelle, I'm dripping.
Sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
Said what?
Back at Truvy's.
When I said I'd be better off when my body wears out.
I shouldn't have said that in front of Shelby.
I didn't mean that.
Ouiser, nobody pays any attention to you.
But I feel bad, Clairee.
I'm a terrible person.
No, you're not.
You'd give your dog a kidney if he needed one.
Yes.
Clairee, this is just a gesture.
We're not feeding Drum till the end of time.
Drum loves pork and beans. He eats them with everything.
That explains a lot.
You're supposed to soak the red beans overnight.
But we don't have overnight.
I wanted to take it to them before they leave for the hospital.
Let's cook something else.
I bought all the stuff.
It's in the “Freezes Beautifully” section of my cookbook.
I want to take something that freezes beautifully.
Then we'll make red beans and rice.
Sammy Dwayne DeSoto, what is this in my Frigidaire?
Beer.
I don't care what you do in your refrigerator,
but you will not keep liquor in mine.
Oh, Annelle, for Christ's sakes.
Who?
Christ.
Who did you say?
Christ, Christ, Christ.
Are you speaking of Our Lord?
Is that whose name you're taking in vain?
That's the one.
Well, I am sorry, Sammy
but I'm not about spend the next 50 years of my life
with someone who I'm not gonna run into in the hereafter.
Annelle, god damn it!
I think we should pray.
Oh, I'd rather eat dirt.
Shelby says her half of the operation's easy.
I guess M'Lynn's is terrible.
They basically have to saw her in half
to get the kidney out.
Well, they always do it on Circus of the Stars.
Don't joke about it, Spud
I feel awful for 'em.
Yeah, well.
I guess the Eatentons are lucky.
They all know how much they mean to each other.
Maybe I'm jealous.
Hand me that socket wrench, would you?
Which one's a socket wrench?
The socket wrench, the socket wrench.
This funny-looking thing?
Thank you.
That's not funny.
Okay, no more transplant jokes.
Daddy doesn't like them.
Whose turn is it?
Oh, Mama.
Oh, yes?
Give me all your...
internal organs.
Oh, I mean aces.
Gosh, Dad, I-I'm sorry.
Yeah.
It just slipped out.
Go fish.
I'm going to put this little one to bed.
Mama, I'll do it.
No, no, no. Let me.
After tomorrow it'll be a long time before I can pick him up again.
So much for the card game.
Movie! Movie!
It's old, in black and white.
Nothing dirty there.
I got it, a classic...
A Tale of Two Kidneys.
That's funny.
You think that's funny?
Yes.
That's not funny.
Oh.
I overslept 'cause I was up late cooking.
I've got to get these beans to the Eatentons,
and it's my Sunday to count the offering.
I just know I'm gonna miss church.
Cool down. I'll have to turn the hose on you.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Well, I know what you're gonna do. You are gonna get in this car.
We're going to drop those beans off at the Eatenton house.
Then you are going to church with me.
Oh, I don't know.
God don't care which church you go to,
long as you show up.
♪ Abide with me ♪
♪ Fast falls the eventide ♪
♪ The darkness deepens ♪
♪ Lord, with me abide ♪
♪ When other helpers ♪
♪ Fail and comforts flee ♪
♪ Help of the helpless, Lord... ♪
Ouiser, what brings you here?
Shut up.
I was wondering how things were with you and Owen.
I can report that the Sherwood Florist delivery truck.
Stops by her house twice a week.
He knows I like fresh flowers.
And I can report that a strange car
is parked in her garage once a week.
There.
My secret is out.
I am having an affair with a Mercedes-Benz.
We are in the house of the Lord.
Oh, a lot she cares.
Ouiser never done a religious thing in her life.
Now, that is not true.
When I was in school, my friends and I would dress up as nuns
and go bar-hopping.
Uh, Ouiser, forgive me, but I just been dying to ask you this.
Have you and Owen, you know, um...
Wait. I have to get a mental picture of this.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Well?
Not that this is any of anyone else's business,
but no, we're friends.
He would like more, and I'm dealing with that.
I'm old and set in my ways.
You are playing hard to get.
At her age, she should be playing Beat the Clock.
Miss DeLore, is 240 on Telemetry?
Yes, he is.
Thank you.
May I help you?
I need somebody to fix my I.V., please.
Someone will be there in a minute.
Wendy, can you check 240's I.V.?
Sure.
[ Woman On P.A. ] Rodriguez, dial 7-4. Dr. Rodriguez, dial 7-4,, please.
I really do. I think that despite everything
we have a very good result.
Looks good.
Looks real, real good.
Thanks.
[Thunder]
Surprise!
Oh, Truvy, I can't believe this!
I have always wanted to give a wedding shower
with a monster motif.
That's what you get for getting married on Halloween.
My heart!
Let's open the gifts.
You're welcome. Next.
'M'Lynn, appliqué.
With some little fringe on them.
Fringe, yes.
Quiet down. Quiet down.
It says, “Better late than never.”.
Whoo!
Look out, Sammy!
Who's that from?
It's not signed. Let me see.
Ouiser.
What?
I'd recognize this penmanship anywhere.
You have the handwriting of a serial killer.
I thought Sammy wouldn't mind you reading the Bible in bed,
as long as you were wearing something inspirational.
Yuk, yuk, yuk.
Put down “split crotch.”.
This is from Shelby.
That's disgusting.
She's sorry she couldn't be here. She's on duty.
How is she?
Fine.
I fed Baby Renz but not Alex, okay?
Oh, okay.
Gotta get home now for Halloween.
Have a good evening.
Shelby, this is too cute.
Where did you find this?
Aunt Fern made it.
I can't wait to get home and try it on Jack.
I taught him to say “trick or treat” or something...
something kind of like it.
Could you hand me that bag, Pam?
Thanks. Good night.
Here you go.
Thank you. And if this don't work on my husband maybe you can come back later.
See you.
Hmm. Looks like somebody's husband's coming home tonight.
When you work a seven-day stretch on an offshore oil rig
all you wanna do on your day off is sleep
I'll do everything I can to keep him up
Anne Boleyn had six fingers.
Who's Anne Berlin?
Anne Boleyn. She was one of the six wives of Henry VIII.
Oh, well, I never watch public television.
She had six fingers.
What happened to the other four?
She had 11 total.
[Flush]
Are you trying to confuse me, Clairee?
No.
I just want to expose us to more culture.
That's not easy to come by in this neck of the woods.
Ouiser, how about taking a theatre trip to New York?
I don't want to expose myself to anything.
You should broaden your horizons.
You broaden your horizons your way,
I'll broaden my horizons mine.
I'm going to support the arts in this area.
[Ouiser] I'll write a check. I support art. I just don't have to see it.
It wouldn't harelip you.
Clairee, can I get one thing straight with you?
I do not see plays
because I can nap at home for free.
I don't see movies because they're trash and they got nothing but naked people in them.
I don't read books 'cause the good ones are made into miniseries.
You know,
you would be a much more contented, pleasant person
if you would find ways to occupy your time.
I am pleasant!
I saw Drum Eatenton this morning at the Piggly Wiggly
and I smiled at the son of a bitch before I could help myself.
OW!
Shit.
Sony, Miss- Sorry, Miss Ouiser.
Annelle, you take your Bible and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
[Laughing]
Put it in Mommy's pocket.
There we go.
We'll zip you up,
and we'll go trick-or-treating right after dinner.
Let's go and make some spaghetti.
Oh!
Jack.
[Panting]
Oh.
Okay.
[Babbling]
Yeah.
Yes.
Let's go- Let's go call D-Daddy, okay?
[Baby Crying]
Shelby!
Darling, I'm home.
Shelby!
What's the matter, pal?
What?
What's the matter?
Shelby!
Okay, buddy. Okay, okay.
All right.
Shelby!
Oh, my God.
Okay, baby, just put you right here. One minute.
Shelby? Baby?
Shelby?
[ Doctor Speaking, indistinct]
Rejection of the kidney.
The coma may be irreversible.
[Humming “Hush, Little Baby”]
Good morning.
Morning, Gladys.
We're doing our Jane Fonda.
Yeah, exercises are good for her.
Here's the one where you're holding him.
You're looking at him and he's looking at you,
and then you all looked over at me. Remember?
Open your eyes, Shelby.
Open your eyes. Open your eyes. Look at him.
He wants you to open your eyes, Shelby.
He wants you to open- open your eyes.
The patient's pulse is unchanged.
Some fluttering in the A.V. fistula.
It's weak.
The radial pulse is weaker.
The renal pulse is unchanged.
“Lesson three.
“Never be afraid to try a brave new look.
“Now, that can mean wearing...
“daring to wear, um...
a sexy slip of a dress that bares...”.
Honey, it'll do you good to get out for a while.
Eat a real dinner.
What if she wakes up for two minutes and I'm not here?
“For example,
we know where you can get a top-of-the-line hairstyle.”
[ Kiss]
Call Clairee.
Call Connolly's Funeral Home.
That's the nicest.
Jackson.
You're going to have to get her pink suit,
the one with the little red cherries on the lapel?
Where's Jack, Jr.?
Aunt Fern's.
Here's your grandma.
There you go.
Pumpkin.
Jackson.
Does this tie go?
Yeah.
You look real nice.
I'll come with you to the funeral if you don't mind.
I don't mind.
I feel sorry for them, you know?
I mean, especially Jackson...
losing Shelby like that.
If something like that ever happened to me, I don't know...
I don't know what I'd do.
A thing like this just doesn't make any sense.
No sense at all.
I just keep thinking about what Annelle says.
“The Lord works in mysterious ways.”.
What the hell is this for?
It makes you pretty.
Hey.
Come on home, honey.
How you holding up, honey?
I'm fine.
It was a beautiful service.
The flowers were the most beautiful flowers
I have ever seen.
They were beautiful.
Miss M'Lynn?
It should make you feel a lot better
that Shelby is with her king.
Yes, Annelle, I guess it should.
We should all be rejoicing.
You go on ahead.
I'm sorry if I don't feel like it.
I guess I'm a little selfish.
I'd rather have her here.
Miss M'Lynn...
I don't mean to upset you by saying that.
It's just that...
when something like this happens,
I pray very hard
to make heads or tails of it, and...
and I think that in Shelby's case,
she just wanted to take care of that little baby
and of you, of everybody she knew.
And her poor little body was just worn out.
It just wouldn't let her do all the things she wanted to.
So she went on to a place
where she could be a guardian angel.
She will always be young,
she will always be beautiful.
And I personally feel much safer knowing she's up there on my side.
It may sound real simple and stupid,
and maybe I am,
but that's how I get through things like this.
Thank you, Annelle.
I appreciate that.
And it's a real good idea.
Shelby wouldn't want us to get mired down and wallow in this.
We should handle it the best way we know how
and get on with it.
That's what my mind says.
I wish somebody would explain it to my heart.
Drum says you never left her side for a second.
No...
I couldn't leave my Shelby.
I just sat there and kept on pushing
the way I always have where Shelby was concerned.
I was hoping she'd sit up and argue with me.
And finally we realized there was no hope.
We turned off the machines.
Drum left. He couldn't take it.
Jackson left.
I find it amusing.
Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something.
But I just sat there.
I just held Shelby's hand.
There was no noise...
no tremble...
just... peace.
Oh, God.
I realize, as a woman, how lucky I am.
I was there
when that wonderful creature drifted into my life,
and I was there when she drifted out.
It was the most precious moment of my life.
I got to get back.
Does anybody got a mirror?
Does anybody have a mirror?
I don't know how you're doing on the inside, honey,
but your hair is just holding up beautiful.
Oh... Shelby was right.
This is a brown football helmet.
Honey, are you okay?
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine!
I can jog all the way to Texas and back,
but my daughter can't.
She never could.
God! I'm so mad, I don't know what to do.
I want to know why.
I want to know why Shelby's life is over.
I want to know how that baby will ever know
how wonderful his mother was.
Will he ever know what she went through for him?
Oh, God, I want to know why!
Why?
Lord, I wish I could understand.
No! No! No!
It's not supposed to happen this way.
I'm supposed to go first.
I've always been ready to go first.
I don't think I can take this. I don't think I can take this.
I just want to hit somebody till they feel as bad as I do.
I just want to hit something! I want to hit it hard!
Here!
Hit this!
Go ahead, M'Lynn. Slap her!
Are you crazy?
Hit her!
Are you high, Clairee?
Have you lost your mind?
We'll sell T-shirts saying, “I slapped Ouiser Bordeaux.”.
Hit her!
Miss Clairee, enough.
Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man.
Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
Let go of me!
You missed your chance.
Half of Chinquapin Parish would give their eye-teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!
[All Laughing]
Oh.
You are a pig from hell!
Ouiser, don't leave!
Ouiser, Ouiser, I was just kidding. Come back. Oh.
Not a very Christian thing to do.
Oh. Annelle, you got to lighten up.
Go away.
Okay, all right, hit me then I deserve it.
You are evil, and you must be destroyed.
Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.
Things were getting entirely too serious for a moment. We needed to laugh.
I bet Lloyd got a kick out of it.
Lloyd got a great deal of enjoyment at my expense when he was alive.
Ouiser, you know I love you more than my luggage.
All right.
This is my bench!
Get off my bench!
Get off my- Good.
You are too twisted for colour TV, Clairee.
Have your roots done.
I shouldn't have gone on the way I did.
I made everybody cry. Sony.
Don't be silly.
Laughter through tears is my favourite emotion.
Maybe I should have an emotional outburst more often.
Maybe I should start having them at home.
Drum would be so pleased.
I'm glad to see the two of you made up.
Ouiser could never stay mad at me.
She worships the quicksand I walk on.
M'Lynn... you're in my prayers, honey.
Yes, Annelle, I pray.
Well, I do. There, I said it.
I hope you're satisfied.
I suspected this all along.
Don't you expect me to come to one of your churches,
those tent revivals with all those Bible beaters doing God only knows what.
They'd probably make me eat a live chicken.
Not on your first visit.
Very good, Annelle.
Spoken like a true smart ass.
Oh, what are you doing?
Are you eating my picture?
Let's play on the swing.
Get our feet's in.
There we go.
Hold on.
Ahh.
Hold on.
Miss M'Lynn, I don't know if this is the right time or place,
but I wanted to tell you that Sammy and I have decided
that if this baby's a girl,
we'd like to name it Shelby,
since she was the reason we met in the first place.
If you don't mind.
Shelby would love that.
I'm tickled pink.
Pink.
What are you going to name it if it happens to be a boy?
Shelby, I guess.
That's how it should be.
Life goes on.
I've never been so uncomfortable in all my life.
We'll talk about uncomfortable when you're nine months pregnant, okay?
Keep those eyes closed, woman, or I'm going to staple them shut.
They're closed. What is it?
Okay. Now?
Ready?
Yeah.
Keep them shut.
Okay. Open them up.
All right.
I don't believe it!
I'm a chain! Oh, Spud, oh!
Jesus.
Oh, lighten up.
Now, you just burst through those bushes
and hop over to where the kids are.
What bushes? I can't see shit.
Over there.
I'm an adult, I'm not a five-year-old.
On your mark, get set, go!
Come on.
Okay, Jack, jr., I'm going to tell you a story.
Once upon a time,
there was a beautiful young gal named Shelby.
And Shelby had a lovely,
kind and wonderful good fairy named Clairee.
But there was also a horrible, evil,
ugly witch named Ouiser.
I hate these stupid neighbourhood things.
No one's twisting your arm to keep you here.
Well, I have to be sociable.
Hey, Rhett's here!
Let's connect the bald spots.
Drum?
Hmm?
Eat shit and die.
Hello, M'Lynn.
Ouiser. Owen.
Good to see you, too, Ouiser, Owen.
[Woof Woof Woof]
Come on, Rhett. Kill! Kill!
Quit it, Drum! Stop egging him on.
Arrr!
And everyone lived happily ever after.
And the nasty, wicked, evil, wretched,
horrible, mean Ouiser
was never heard from again.
Now, it's almost time for the Easter Bunny.
Run on down, hmm?
Here!
Shh.
Ha ha ha!
Hi, Jack. You remember me?
It's your old pal Ouiser.
[Jack Crying]
Aah! Jack!
This isn't like Jackson
Jack, come here.
Oh, Jack.
Is he all right?
Oh, yes, he's all right.
Ohh.
Oh, Truvy!
Oh, honey. It's okay, it's okay.
Women have babies every day. M'Lynn.
Jonathan, quick.
Get that Easter Bunny over here now!
Hey, Tommy, where's Sammy?
Over there.
Why? What's going on?
What's- Oh, my God!
She's going to have a baby!
Go get a doctor.
A doc- Help!
This way! This way!
This way. Come on.
Through here. Come on. Get her in.
It's all right, honey. We'll get Sammy.
Easy, easy.
Bye-bye.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
Come on, Sammy!
Get your tail hopping!