1 00:02:13,324 --> 00:02:18,023 I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant. 2 00:02:18,095 --> 00:02:21,292 It was the Horn & Hardert Cafeteria. 3 00:02:21,365 --> 00:02:24,027 And this beautiful girl walked in... 4 00:02:24,101 --> 00:02:26,865 and I turned to Arthur, and I said... 5 00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:29,429 "Arthur, you see that girl? 6 00:02:29,507 --> 00:02:31,372 I'm going to marry her." 7 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:34,104 And two weeks later, we were married. 8 00:02:34,178 --> 00:02:37,443 And it's over 50 years later... 9 00:02:37,515 --> 00:02:39,449 and we're still married. 10 00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:56,232 - I love you. - I love you. 11 00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,059 Hi, Sally. 12 00:03:32,136 --> 00:03:35,572 Sally, this is Harry Burns. Harry, this is Sally Albright. 13 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,232 Nice to meet you. 14 00:03:37,308 --> 00:03:40,835 - You want to drive the first shift? - You're there already. You can start. 15 00:03:40,912 --> 00:03:42,379 Back's open. 16 00:03:44,115 --> 00:03:47,050 - Call me. - I'll call you as soon as I get there. 17 00:03:47,118 --> 00:03:49,609 Call me from the road. 18 00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:51,382 I'll call you before then. 19 00:03:51,455 --> 00:03:53,423 - I love you. - I love you. 20 00:03:58,596 --> 00:03:59,858 Sorry. 21 00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:03,565 - I miss you already. - I miss you. 22 00:04:03,634 --> 00:04:05,465 - Bye. - Bye. 23 00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:25,588 I have it all figured out. It's an 18-hour trip... 24 00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:28,022 which breaks down into six shifts of three hours each... 25 00:04:28,092 --> 00:04:31,528 or alternatively we could break it down by mileage. 26 00:04:31,596 --> 00:04:35,362 There's a map on the visor... 27 00:04:35,433 --> 00:04:39,460 that I've marked to show the locations where we can change shifts. 28 00:04:39,537 --> 00:04:41,368 Grape? 29 00:04:41,439 --> 00:04:44,431 No. I don't like to eat between meals. 30 00:04:48,446 --> 00:04:50,311 I'll roll down the window. 31 00:04:58,656 --> 00:05:01,420 Why don't you tell me the story of your life. 32 00:05:03,561 --> 00:05:07,759 - The story of my life? - We got 18 hours before we hit New York. 33 00:05:07,832 --> 00:05:10,323 The story of my life isn't even going to get us out of Chicago. 34 00:05:10,401 --> 00:05:13,336 Nothing's happened to me yet. That's why I'm going to New York. 35 00:05:13,404 --> 00:05:16,066 So something'll happen to you? Like what? 36 00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:18,836 I'm going to journalism school to become a reporter. 37 00:05:18,909 --> 00:05:21,810 So you can write about things that happen to other people. 38 00:05:22,813 --> 00:05:25,805 - That's one way to look at it. - Suppose nothing happens? 39 00:05:25,883 --> 00:05:28,909 Suppose you live there your whole life and nothing happens? 40 00:05:28,986 --> 00:05:31,648 You never become anything. Finally you die one of those deaths... 41 00:05:31,722 --> 00:05:35,453 where nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hallway. 42 00:05:37,561 --> 00:05:41,224 - Amanda mentioned you had a dark side. - That's what drew her to me. 43 00:05:41,298 --> 00:05:44,631 - Your dark side? - Sure. Don't you have a dark side? 44 00:05:44,702 --> 00:05:48,661 You're probably one of those cheerful people who dots their "I's" with hearts. 45 00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:51,367 I have just as much of a dark side as the next person. 46 00:05:51,442 --> 00:05:54,639 Really? When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first. 47 00:05:54,712 --> 00:05:57,806 That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. 48 00:05:57,882 --> 00:06:00,373 That, my friend, is a dark side. 49 00:06:00,451 --> 00:06:02,783 That doesn't mean you're deep or anything. 50 00:06:02,853 --> 00:06:05,720 - Yes, basically I'm a happy person. - So am I. 51 00:06:05,790 --> 00:06:07,781 There isn't anything wrong with that. 52 00:06:07,858 --> 00:06:11,157 Of course not. You're too busy being happy. Ever think about death? 53 00:06:11,228 --> 00:06:12,718 - Yes. - Sure you do. 54 00:06:12,797 --> 00:06:15,288 A fleeting thought that drifts in and out of the transom of your mind. 55 00:06:15,366 --> 00:06:17,061 I spend hours... I spend days... 56 00:06:17,134 --> 00:06:19,193 And this makes you a better person? 57 00:06:19,270 --> 00:06:22,899 When the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared, and you're not. 58 00:06:22,973 --> 00:06:26,670 In the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it. 59 00:06:34,585 --> 00:06:36,849 - You're wrong. - I'm not wrong. 60 00:06:36,921 --> 00:06:39,355 He wants her to leave. That's why he puts her on the plane. 61 00:06:39,423 --> 00:06:42,449 - I don't think she wants to stay. - Of course she wants to stay. 62 00:06:42,526 --> 00:06:45,552 Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy? 63 00:06:45,629 --> 00:06:48,689 I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca... 64 00:06:48,766 --> 00:06:51,030 married to a man who runs a bar. 65 00:06:51,102 --> 00:06:53,627 That probably sounds snobbish to you, but I don't. 66 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:55,638 You'd rather be in a passionless marriage? 67 00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:57,970 And be the first lady of Czechoslovakia. 68 00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:00,203 Than live with a man you've had the greatest sex of your life with... 69 00:07:00,277 --> 00:07:03,144 just because he owns a bar and that is all he does? 70 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:06,547 Yes. And so would any woman in her right mind. 71 00:07:06,617 --> 00:07:09,142 Women are very practical, even Ingrid Bergman... 72 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:13,156 which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie. 73 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,390 I understand. 74 00:07:18,462 --> 00:07:20,123 What? What? 75 00:07:20,197 --> 00:07:22,165 - Nothing. - What? 76 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,996 Forget about it. 77 00:07:24,068 --> 00:07:26,002 - Forget about what? - It's not important. 78 00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:28,334 Just tell me. 79 00:07:28,405 --> 00:07:31,602 Obviously you haven't had great sex yet. 80 00:07:31,675 --> 00:07:34,007 - Two, please. - Right over there. 81 00:07:34,078 --> 00:07:36,103 - Yes, I have. - No, you haven't. 82 00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:40,116 It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex. 83 00:07:58,469 --> 00:08:00,562 With whom? 84 00:08:00,638 --> 00:08:02,071 What? 85 00:08:02,139 --> 00:08:04,471 With whom did you have this great sex? 86 00:08:04,542 --> 00:08:06,703 I'm not gonna tell you that. 87 00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,369 Fine. Don't tell me. 88 00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:15,384 Shel Gordon. 89 00:08:16,187 --> 00:08:17,882 Shel? Sheldon? 90 00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:21,482 No. No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon. 91 00:08:21,559 --> 00:08:24,323 - I did too. - No, you didn't. 92 00:08:24,395 --> 00:08:26,556 Sheldon can do your income taxes. 93 00:08:26,630 --> 00:08:29,064 If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man. 94 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:31,226 But humping and pumping is not Sheldon's strong suit. 95 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,361 It's the name. "Do it to me, Sheldon. 96 00:08:33,437 --> 00:08:36,964 You're an animal, Sheldon. Ride me, big Sheldon." 97 00:08:37,041 --> 00:08:39,066 It doesn't work. 98 00:08:40,177 --> 00:08:42,668 - What can I get you? - I'll have a number three. 99 00:08:43,881 --> 00:08:46,441 I'd like the chef's salad, please, with the oil and vinegar on the side... 100 00:08:46,517 --> 00:08:48,007 and the apple pie à la mode. 101 00:08:48,085 --> 00:08:51,577 Chef and apple à la mode. 102 00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:55,182 But I'd like the pie heated, and I want the ice cream on the side. 103 00:08:55,259 --> 00:08:57,659 And I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla, if you have it. 104 00:08:57,728 --> 00:09:00,219 If not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream, but only if it's real. 105 00:09:00,297 --> 00:09:03,095 - If it's out of a can, then nothing. - Not even the pie? 106 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:05,931 No, just the pie, but then not heated. 107 00:09:12,376 --> 00:09:13,400 What? 108 00:09:13,477 --> 00:09:15,342 Nothing, nothing. 109 00:09:17,314 --> 00:09:20,943 - How come you broke up with Sheldon? - How do you know we broke up? 110 00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:23,213 If you didn't break up, you wouldn't be here with me. 111 00:09:23,287 --> 00:09:25,448 You'd be with Sheldon, the Wonder Schlong. 112 00:09:26,690 --> 00:09:29,955 First of all, I am not "with" you. 113 00:09:30,027 --> 00:09:33,554 Second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up. 114 00:09:33,631 --> 00:09:36,122 You're right. I don't want to know. 115 00:09:39,637 --> 00:09:42,333 If you must know, it was because he was jealous... 116 00:09:42,406 --> 00:09:44,465 and I had these "days of the week" underpants. 117 00:09:45,542 --> 00:09:47,806 I'm sorry. I need a judge's ruling on this. 118 00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:49,368 "Days of the week" underpants? 119 00:09:49,446 --> 00:09:52,006 Yes. They had the days of the week on them... 120 00:09:52,082 --> 00:09:54,016 and I thought they were funny. 121 00:09:54,084 --> 00:09:57,520 One day, Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." 122 00:09:57,588 --> 00:10:00,853 He's all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left it? 123 00:10:00,925 --> 00:10:03,120 I told him, and he didn't believe me. 124 00:10:03,193 --> 00:10:06,492 - What? - They don't make Sunday. 125 00:10:06,563 --> 00:10:09,999 - Why not? - Because of God. 126 00:10:14,171 --> 00:10:16,731 So 15 percent of my share... 127 00:10:16,807 --> 00:10:19,207 is 90. 128 00:10:19,276 --> 00:10:21,409 6.90. 129 00:10:24,412 --> 00:10:25,845 Leave seven. 130 00:10:28,850 --> 00:10:30,112 What? 131 00:10:32,087 --> 00:10:34,851 Do I have something on my face? 132 00:10:35,957 --> 00:10:38,152 You're a very attractive person. 133 00:10:40,095 --> 00:10:41,528 Thank you. 134 00:10:41,596 --> 00:10:43,860 Amanda never said how attractive you were. 135 00:10:43,932 --> 00:10:46,332 Maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive. 136 00:10:46,401 --> 00:10:50,462 I don't think it's a matter of opinion. Empirically, you are attractive. 137 00:10:52,407 --> 00:10:55,001 Amanda is my friend. 138 00:10:55,076 --> 00:10:56,600 So? 139 00:10:56,678 --> 00:10:59,442 - So you're going with her. - So? 140 00:10:59,514 --> 00:11:01,812 So you're coming on to me. 141 00:11:01,883 --> 00:11:03,510 No, I wasn't. 142 00:11:04,953 --> 00:11:07,114 What? 143 00:11:07,189 --> 00:11:11,523 Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on? 144 00:11:11,593 --> 00:11:13,117 All right, all right. 145 00:11:13,195 --> 00:11:17,962 Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on. 146 00:11:18,033 --> 00:11:22,026 What do you want me to do about it? I take it back, okay? 147 00:11:22,103 --> 00:11:24,503 - You can't take it back. - Why not? 148 00:11:24,573 --> 00:11:26,404 Because it's already out there. 149 00:11:26,474 --> 00:11:29,966 Geez, what are we supposed to do? Call the cops. It's already out there. 150 00:11:30,045 --> 00:11:32,741 Just let it lie. 151 00:11:34,449 --> 00:11:36,212 Great. Let it lie. 152 00:11:36,284 --> 00:11:38,479 That's my policy. 153 00:11:38,553 --> 00:11:41,317 That's what I always say: Let it lie. 154 00:11:41,389 --> 00:11:45,325 Wanna spend the night in a motel? See what I did? I didn't let it lie. 155 00:11:45,393 --> 00:11:49,159 I said I would, and then I didn't. I went the other way. What? 156 00:11:49,231 --> 00:11:51,927 We are just going to be friends, okay? 157 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,560 Great. Friends. It's the best thing. 158 00:11:55,904 --> 00:11:58,566 You realize that we could never be friends. 159 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,073 Why not? 160 00:12:00,141 --> 00:12:04,578 What I'm saying is... and this is not a come-on in any way... 161 00:12:04,646 --> 00:12:09,583 men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 162 00:12:11,253 --> 00:12:12,686 That's not true. 163 00:12:12,754 --> 00:12:15,723 I have a number of men friends, and there is no sex involved. 164 00:12:15,790 --> 00:12:17,951 - No, you don't. - Yes, I do. 165 00:12:18,026 --> 00:12:19,789 You only think you do. 166 00:12:19,861 --> 00:12:22,295 You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 167 00:12:22,364 --> 00:12:25,390 What I'm saying is, they all want to have sex with you. 168 00:12:25,467 --> 00:12:28,868 - They do not. - Do too. 169 00:12:28,937 --> 00:12:30,370 How do you know? 170 00:12:30,438 --> 00:12:33,373 Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. 171 00:12:33,441 --> 00:12:35,534 He always wants to have sex with her. 172 00:12:36,645 --> 00:12:40,672 So you're saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive. 173 00:12:40,749 --> 00:12:43,877 No. You pretty much want to nail them too. 174 00:12:45,287 --> 00:12:47,619 What if they don't want to have sex with you? 175 00:12:47,689 --> 00:12:50,157 Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there... 176 00:12:50,225 --> 00:12:53,251 so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that's the end of the story. 177 00:12:53,328 --> 00:12:56,820 - I guess we're not gonna be friends. - Guess not. 178 00:12:56,898 --> 00:12:58,923 That's too bad. 179 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,094 You were the only person that I knew in New York. 180 00:13:40,775 --> 00:13:44,438 - Thanks for the ride. - Yeah. It was interesting. 181 00:13:44,512 --> 00:13:46,878 - It was nice knowing you. - Yeah. 182 00:13:56,691 --> 00:13:58,454 Well, have a nice life. 183 00:13:59,194 --> 00:14:00,684 You too. 184 00:14:18,113 --> 00:14:20,138 We fell in love in high school. 185 00:14:20,215 --> 00:14:22,376 Yeah, we were high school sweethearts. 186 00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:25,817 But then after our junior year, his parents moved away. 187 00:14:25,887 --> 00:14:28,151 But I never forgot her. 188 00:14:28,223 --> 00:14:29,986 He never forgot me. 189 00:14:30,058 --> 00:14:33,494 Her face was burned on my brain. 190 00:14:33,561 --> 00:14:37,190 It was 34 years later that I was walking down Broadway... 191 00:14:37,265 --> 00:14:39,699 and I saw her come out of Toffenetti's. 192 00:14:39,768 --> 00:14:41,702 We both looked at each other... 193 00:14:41,770 --> 00:14:46,036 and it was just as though not a single day had gone by. 194 00:14:46,107 --> 00:14:50,043 She was just as beautiful as she was at 16. 195 00:14:50,111 --> 00:14:52,443 He was just the same. 196 00:14:52,514 --> 00:14:54,778 He looked exactly the same. 197 00:15:27,148 --> 00:15:30,311 Joe! I thought it was you. 198 00:15:30,385 --> 00:15:32,478 - Harry Burns. - Harry, how're you doin'? 199 00:15:32,554 --> 00:15:35,717 - Good. How're you doing? - Fine. I'm doing fine. 200 00:15:35,790 --> 00:15:38,384 I thought it was you. And here it is, it's you. 201 00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:41,122 - Yeah, it was. - Still with the D.A.'s office? 202 00:15:41,196 --> 00:15:44,165 No. I switched to the other side. What about you? 203 00:15:44,232 --> 00:15:47,099 I'm working with a small firm. We do political consulting. 204 00:15:47,168 --> 00:15:48,601 Yeah, it's great. 205 00:15:50,038 --> 00:15:53,405 Harry, this is Sally Albright. Harry Burns. 206 00:15:53,475 --> 00:15:55,909 Harry and I lived in the same building. 207 00:16:00,348 --> 00:16:02,714 I got a plane to catch. It was good to see you. 208 00:16:02,784 --> 00:16:04,251 - You too. - Bye. 209 00:16:10,492 --> 00:16:12,426 Thank God he couldn't place me. 210 00:16:12,494 --> 00:16:14,928 I drove from college to New York with him five years ago... 211 00:16:14,996 --> 00:16:17,931 and it was the longest night of my life. 212 00:16:19,033 --> 00:16:20,466 What happened? 213 00:16:20,535 --> 00:16:22,799 He made a pass at me, and when I said no... 214 00:16:22,871 --> 00:16:26,170 He was going with a girlfriend of mine... 215 00:16:26,241 --> 00:16:29,506 Oh, God, I can't remember her name. 216 00:16:29,577 --> 00:16:31,272 Don't get involved with me. 217 00:16:31,346 --> 00:16:34,975 I'm 26, and I can't remember the name of the girl I was good friends with... 218 00:16:35,049 --> 00:16:36,983 I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend. 219 00:16:37,051 --> 00:16:39,144 So what happened? 220 00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:41,984 - When? - When he made a pass at you? 221 00:16:43,358 --> 00:16:45,792 I said we could just be friends. 222 00:16:45,860 --> 00:16:48,294 And this part I remember. He said that men and women... 223 00:16:48,363 --> 00:16:50,297 could never really be friends. 224 00:16:51,666 --> 00:16:53,327 Do you think that's true? 225 00:16:56,070 --> 00:16:58,903 Do you have any women friends? Just friends? 226 00:17:01,209 --> 00:17:04,303 But I will get one if it's important to you. 227 00:17:06,147 --> 00:17:08,240 Amanda Reese. 228 00:17:08,316 --> 00:17:10,750 That was her name. Thank God! 229 00:17:10,818 --> 00:17:12,410 I will miss you. 230 00:17:12,487 --> 00:17:14,421 I love you. 231 00:17:14,489 --> 00:17:16,354 You do? 232 00:17:17,125 --> 00:17:18,490 Yes. 233 00:17:19,727 --> 00:17:21,319 I love you. 234 00:17:45,286 --> 00:17:46,719 What would you like to drink? 235 00:17:46,788 --> 00:17:49,416 - Nothing, thanks. - Do you have any Bloody Mary mix? 236 00:17:49,490 --> 00:17:52,789 - Yes. - No, wait. Here's what I want: 237 00:17:52,860 --> 00:17:55,294 Regular tomato juice filled up about three-quarters. 238 00:17:55,363 --> 00:17:57,957 Then add just a splash of Bloody Mary mix... 239 00:17:58,032 --> 00:18:00,125 and a piece of lime on the side. 240 00:18:00,201 --> 00:18:02,192 The University of Chicago, right? 241 00:18:03,538 --> 00:18:04,800 Yes. 242 00:18:04,872 --> 00:18:07,306 Did you look this good at the University of Chicago? 243 00:18:07,375 --> 00:18:08,865 - No. - Did we ever... 244 00:18:12,714 --> 00:18:16,673 We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation. 245 00:18:16,751 --> 00:18:20,165 - Would you two like to sit together? - Great! Thank you. 246 00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,735 You were a good friend of... 247 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,303 Amanda's. 248 00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,970 I can't believe you can't remember her name. 249 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,570 What do you mean? I can remember. Amanda Rice. 250 00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:38,242 - Reese. - Right. What ever happened to her? 251 00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:41,081 - I have no idea. - You have no idea? 252 00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:44,919 You were really good friends with her. We didn't make it because of that. 253 00:18:44,990 --> 00:18:46,890 - You went with her. - And was it worth it? 254 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,291 The sacrifice for a friend you don't even keep in touch with? 255 00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:51,488 Harry, you might not believe this... 256 00:18:51,563 --> 00:18:55,966 but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice. 257 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:59,027 Fair enough. Fair enough. 258 00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:04,242 - You were going to be a gymnast. - Ajournalist. 259 00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,005 Right. And? 260 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,273 I am a journalist. I work at The News. 261 00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:10,508 Great. And you're with Joe. 262 00:19:10,582 --> 00:19:12,550 Well, that's great. 263 00:19:12,618 --> 00:19:15,519 Great. You're together what, three weeks? 264 00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:19,449 A month. How did you know that? 265 00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:22,460 You take someone to the airport, it's at the beginning of a relationship. 266 00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:24,792 That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport... 267 00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:26,524 at the beginning of a relationship. 268 00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:29,431 - Why? - Because eventually things move on... 269 00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,368 and I never wanted anyone to say to me... 270 00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:35,202 "How come you never take me to the airport anymore?" 271 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,999 It's amazing. You look like a normal person... 272 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,569 but actually you are the Angel of Death. 273 00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:43,581 Are you gonna marry him? 274 00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,911 We have only known each other for a month... 275 00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:49,682 and neither one of us is looking to get married right now. 276 00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:52,246 - I'm getting married. - You are? 277 00:19:53,892 --> 00:19:56,190 - You are? - Yeah. 278 00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,888 Who is she? 279 00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:01,057 Helen Hillson. She's a lawyer. She's keeping her name. 280 00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:04,394 - You're getting married? - Yeah. 281 00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:07,738 What's so funny about that? 282 00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:13,173 It's just so optimistic of you, Harry. 283 00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:16,339 You'd be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you. 284 00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:19,907 It's nice to see you embracing life in this manner. 285 00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:24,046 Plus, you just get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing. 286 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:27,684 - What whole thing? - The "life of a single guy" thing. 287 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,694 You meet someone. You have lunch. 288 00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:32,253 You decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner. 289 00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:35,767 You go dancing. You do the White Man's Overbite. 290 00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:38,530 Go back to her place, have sex, and when you're finished... 291 00:20:38,604 --> 00:20:40,538 you know what goes through your mind? 292 00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:43,803 "How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can go home? 293 00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:45,309 Is 30 seconds enough?" 294 00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:48,941 That's what you're thinking? Is that true? 295 00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:51,482 Sure. All men think that. 296 00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:54,849 How long do you like to be held afterwards? All night, right? 297 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,353 That's the problem. 298 00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:59,391 Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem. 299 00:20:59,458 --> 00:21:01,892 - I don't have a problem. - Yeah, you do. 300 00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:19,702 - Staying over? - Yes. 301 00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:23,270 Would you like to have dinner? Just friends. 302 00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:26,112 I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends. 303 00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:28,745 - When did I say that? - On the ride to New York. 304 00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:31,153 I never said that. 305 00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:33,248 Yes, that's right. 306 00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:35,259 They can't be friends. 307 00:21:35,327 --> 00:21:37,921 Unless both of them are involved with other people. Then they can. 308 00:21:37,996 --> 00:21:39,930 This is an amendment to the earlier rule. 309 00:21:39,998 --> 00:21:41,590 If they're in relationships... 310 00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:45,194 the pressure of possible involvement is lifted. 311 00:21:45,270 --> 00:21:48,034 That doesn't work either, because then the person you're involved with... 312 00:21:48,107 --> 00:21:49,972 can't understand why you need to be friends... 313 00:21:50,042 --> 00:21:51,566 with the person you're just friends with. 314 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:54,737 Like it means something is missing from the relationship. 315 00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:58,078 Then when you say, "Nothing is missing from the relationship"... 316 00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:00,311 the person you're involved with accuses you... 317 00:22:00,385 --> 00:22:02,819 of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with... 318 00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:04,480 which you probably are. 319 00:22:04,556 --> 00:22:06,148 Who are we kidding? 320 00:22:06,225 --> 00:22:08,489 Which brings us back to the rule before the amendment: 321 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,324 Men and women can't be friends. Where does that leave us? 322 00:22:11,396 --> 00:22:12,829 - Harry? - What? 323 00:22:12,898 --> 00:22:14,388 Good-bye. 324 00:22:23,542 --> 00:22:26,511 I'll just stop walking. I'll let you go ahead. 325 00:22:30,215 --> 00:22:32,775 We were married 40 years ago. 326 00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:35,115 We were married three years, we got a divorce. 327 00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:38,179 - Then I married Marjorie. - But first you lived with Barbara. 328 00:22:38,257 --> 00:22:41,954 Right. But I didn't marry Barbara. I married Marjorie. 329 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:45,463 - Then he got a divorce. - Right. Then I married Katie. 330 00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:46,964 Another divorce. 331 00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:49,933 Then a couple of years later at Eddie Collecio's funeral... 332 00:22:50,002 --> 00:22:52,027 I ran into her. 333 00:22:52,104 --> 00:22:55,039 I was with some girl I don't even remember. 334 00:22:55,107 --> 00:22:57,803 - Roberta. - Right. Roberta. 335 00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:00,242 But I couldn't take my eyes off you. 336 00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:03,611 I remember I snuck over to her and I said... 337 00:23:03,682 --> 00:23:05,547 What did I say? 338 00:23:05,617 --> 00:23:07,949 - You said, "What are you doing after?" - Right. 339 00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:11,717 So I ditch Roberta. We go for coffee. A month later, we're married. 340 00:23:11,790 --> 00:23:15,226 Thirty-five years to the day after our first marriage. 341 00:23:18,463 --> 00:23:21,728 - I went through his pockets. - Why do you go through his pockets? 342 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,236 You know what I found? They just bought a dining room table. 343 00:23:25,304 --> 00:23:28,569 He and his wife went out and spent $ 1,600 on a dining room table. 344 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:31,575 - Where? - The point isn't where, Alice. 345 00:23:31,643 --> 00:23:34,009 The point is, he's never gonna leave her. 346 00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:36,377 You've known this for two years. 347 00:23:36,448 --> 00:23:39,042 You're right. You're right. I know you're right. 348 00:23:39,117 --> 00:23:40,914 Why can't you find someone single? 349 00:23:40,986 --> 00:23:44,854 When I was single, I knew lots of nice single men. 350 00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:48,359 - Sally found someone. - Sally got the last good one. 351 00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:49,917 Joe and I broke up. 352 00:23:49,995 --> 00:23:52,020 - When? - Monday. 353 00:23:52,097 --> 00:23:54,622 - You waited three days to tell us? - Joe's available? 354 00:23:54,700 --> 00:23:58,898 Don't you have any feelings about this? She's obviously upset. 355 00:23:58,971 --> 00:24:02,031 I'm not that upset. We've been growing apart for quite a while. 356 00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:05,076 But you guys were a couple. You had someone to go places with. 357 00:24:05,143 --> 00:24:07,441 You had a date on national holidays. 358 00:24:07,512 --> 00:24:11,278 I said to myself, "You deserve more than this. You're 31." 359 00:24:11,350 --> 00:24:15,753 - And the clock is ticking. - It doesn't tick until you're 36. 360 00:24:15,821 --> 00:24:18,221 God, you're in such great shape. 361 00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:22,488 I've had a few days to get used to it, and I feel okay. 362 00:24:22,561 --> 00:24:24,791 Good. Then you're ready. 363 00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,165 - Really, Marie! - How else do you think you do it? 364 00:24:29,234 --> 00:24:30,667 I've got the perfect guy. 365 00:24:30,736 --> 00:24:33,432 I don't happen to find him attractive, but you might. 366 00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:35,496 She doesn't have a problem with chins. 367 00:24:35,574 --> 00:24:39,408 - Marie, I'm not ready yet. - You just said you were over him. 368 00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:42,914 I am over him, but I'm in a mourning period. 369 00:24:45,083 --> 00:24:46,516 Who is it? 370 00:24:46,585 --> 00:24:48,018 Alex Anderson. 371 00:24:49,354 --> 00:24:52,050 You fixed me up with him six years ago. 372 00:24:52,124 --> 00:24:53,614 Sorry. 373 00:24:53,692 --> 00:24:55,956 God. All right. Wait. Here. 374 00:24:56,028 --> 00:24:58,155 Here we go. Ken Darman. 375 00:24:58,230 --> 00:25:00,926 He's been married for over a year. 376 00:25:00,999 --> 00:25:03,024 Really? 377 00:25:03,101 --> 00:25:05,467 Married. 378 00:25:05,537 --> 00:25:07,801 - Oh, wait. Wait. I got one. - Look. 379 00:25:07,873 --> 00:25:10,808 There is no point in my going out with someone I might really like... 380 00:25:10,876 --> 00:25:13,709 if I met him at the right time but who right now has no chance... 381 00:25:13,779 --> 00:25:16,976 of being anything to me but a transitional man. 382 00:25:17,049 --> 00:25:18,914 But don't wait too long. 383 00:25:18,984 --> 00:25:20,952 Remember what happened with David Warsaw? 384 00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:23,852 His wife left him, and everyone said, "Give him some time. 385 00:25:23,922 --> 00:25:25,890 Don't move in too fast." 386 00:25:25,957 --> 00:25:28,391 Six months later, he was dead. 387 00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:32,294 You're saying I should get married right away in case he's about to die? 388 00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:34,491 At least you could say you were married. 389 00:25:34,566 --> 00:25:37,831 I'm saying that the right man for you might be out there right now. 390 00:25:37,903 --> 00:25:40,167 If you don't grab him, someone else will. 391 00:25:40,238 --> 00:25:43,002 You'll spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else... 392 00:25:43,075 --> 00:25:44,906 is married to your husband. 393 00:26:06,031 --> 00:26:07,623 When did this happen? 394 00:26:07,699 --> 00:26:11,157 Friday. Helen comes home from work, and she says... 395 00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:13,898 "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." 396 00:26:13,972 --> 00:26:16,406 Like it's the institution. Like it's nothing personal... 397 00:26:16,475 --> 00:26:19,376 just something she's been thinking about in a casual way. 398 00:26:19,444 --> 00:26:21,207 I'm calm. I say... 399 00:26:21,279 --> 00:26:24,112 "Why don't we take some time and think about it? Don't rush into anything." 400 00:26:24,182 --> 00:26:25,479 Right. 401 00:26:25,550 --> 00:26:28,801 Next day, she says she's thought about it and she wants a trial separation. 402 00:26:28,935 --> 00:26:31,961 She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date. 403 00:26:32,038 --> 00:26:34,029 Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. 404 00:26:34,107 --> 00:26:36,075 I got married so I could stop dating. 405 00:26:36,142 --> 00:26:38,303 I don't see where dating is any incentive... 406 00:26:38,378 --> 00:26:40,642 since the last thing you want to do is date your wife... 407 00:26:40,713 --> 00:26:43,147 who's supposed to love you, which is what I'm saying to her... 408 00:26:43,216 --> 00:26:45,878 when it occurs to me that maybe she doesn't. 409 00:26:45,952 --> 00:26:48,785 So I say to her, "Don't you love me anymore?" 410 00:26:48,855 --> 00:26:51,949 Do you know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you." 411 00:26:52,025 --> 00:26:53,458 That's harsh. 412 00:26:54,794 --> 00:26:57,558 - You don't recover from that right away. - Thanks, Jess. 413 00:26:57,630 --> 00:27:01,327 I'm a writer. I know dialogue. And that's particularly harsh. 414 00:27:01,401 --> 00:27:04,666 Then she tells me that somebody in her office is going to South America... 415 00:27:04,737 --> 00:27:06,398 and she can sublet his apartment. 416 00:27:06,472 --> 00:27:09,168 I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings. 417 00:27:09,242 --> 00:27:11,005 "I can sublet his apartment." 418 00:27:11,077 --> 00:27:14,171 The words are still hanging in the air, like in a balloon attached to a mouth... 419 00:27:14,247 --> 00:27:15,839 - Like in a cartoon. - Right. 420 00:27:15,915 --> 00:27:18,884 So I go to the door, and there are moving men there. 421 00:27:18,952 --> 00:27:20,715 Now I start to get suspicious. 422 00:27:20,787 --> 00:27:23,153 I say, "When did you call these movers?" 423 00:27:23,222 --> 00:27:24,814 She doesn't say anything. 424 00:27:24,891 --> 00:27:27,724 I ask the movers, "When did this woman book you for this gig?" 425 00:27:27,794 --> 00:27:29,887 They're just standing there, three huge guys... 426 00:27:29,963 --> 00:27:32,955 one of them wearing a T-shirt that says, "Don't fuck with Mr. Zero." 427 00:27:33,032 --> 00:27:36,729 So I said, "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?" 428 00:27:36,803 --> 00:27:38,703 She says, "A week ago." 429 00:27:38,771 --> 00:27:41,797 I said, "You've known for a week, and you didn't tell me?" 430 00:27:41,874 --> 00:27:44,570 And she says, "I didn't want to ruin your birthday." 431 00:27:47,814 --> 00:27:51,011 Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did? 432 00:27:51,084 --> 00:27:53,075 - Mr. Zero knew. - I can't believe this. 433 00:27:53,152 --> 00:27:56,679 - I haven't told you the bad part yet. - What's worse than Mr. Zero knowing? 434 00:27:57,523 --> 00:28:00,048 It's all a lie. 435 00:28:00,126 --> 00:28:02,151 She's in love with somebody else. 436 00:28:02,228 --> 00:28:05,686 Some tax attorney. She moved in with him. 437 00:28:05,765 --> 00:28:08,529 How did you find out? 438 00:28:08,601 --> 00:28:11,001 I followed her. I stood outside the building. 439 00:28:11,070 --> 00:28:13,800 - So humiliating. - Tell me about it. 440 00:28:13,873 --> 00:28:15,568 And, you know, I knew. 441 00:28:15,642 --> 00:28:18,543 I knew the whole time that even though we were happy it was just an illusion... 442 00:28:18,611 --> 00:28:21,045 and that one day she would kick the shit out of me. 443 00:28:21,114 --> 00:28:23,878 Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. 444 00:28:23,950 --> 00:28:26,475 It's just a symptom that something else is wrong. 445 00:28:26,552 --> 00:28:29,749 Oh, really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife. 446 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:38,119 So I just happened to see his American Express bill. 447 00:28:38,197 --> 00:28:40,722 What do you mean you "just happened to see it"? 448 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:44,861 He was shaving, and there it was in his briefcase. 449 00:28:44,937 --> 00:28:47,804 What if he came out and saw you looking through his briefcase? 450 00:28:47,874 --> 00:28:50,570 You're missing the point. I'm telling you what I found. 451 00:28:50,643 --> 00:28:55,478 He just spent $ 120 on a new nightgown for his wife. 452 00:28:56,983 --> 00:28:59,076 I don't think he's ever gonna leave her. 453 00:28:59,152 --> 00:29:01,848 No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her. 454 00:29:01,921 --> 00:29:04,549 You're right. You're right. I know you're right. 455 00:29:20,273 --> 00:29:23,538 Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth. 456 00:29:26,446 --> 00:29:27,879 I know him. 457 00:29:27,947 --> 00:29:30,780 You'd like him. He's married. 458 00:29:30,850 --> 00:29:32,283 Who is he? 459 00:29:32,351 --> 00:29:35,013 Harry Burns. He's a political consultant. 460 00:29:35,088 --> 00:29:36,953 He's cute. 461 00:29:37,023 --> 00:29:40,390 - You think he's cute? - How do you know he's married? 462 00:29:40,460 --> 00:29:42,792 'Cause last time I saw him he was getting married. 463 00:29:42,862 --> 00:29:45,797 - When was that? - Six years ago. 464 00:29:45,865 --> 00:29:49,130 So he might not be married anymore. 465 00:29:49,202 --> 00:29:50,692 Also, he's obnoxious. 466 00:29:50,770 --> 00:29:52,795 This is just like in the movies... 467 00:29:52,872 --> 00:29:55,705 in The Lady Vanishes when she says, "You're the most obnoxious man..." 468 00:29:55,775 --> 00:29:58,744 - "The most contemptible." - Then they fall madly in love. 469 00:29:58,811 --> 00:30:01,302 - Also, he never remembers me. - Sally Albright. 470 00:30:04,217 --> 00:30:06,310 - Hi, Harry. - I thought it was you. 471 00:30:06,385 --> 00:30:09,115 It is. This is Marie. 472 00:30:10,623 --> 00:30:13,319 - Was Marie. - How are you? 473 00:30:13,392 --> 00:30:15,986 - Fine. - How's Joe? 474 00:30:16,062 --> 00:30:18,826 Fine. I hear he's fine. 475 00:30:19,899 --> 00:30:21,457 You're not with Joe anymore? 476 00:30:21,534 --> 00:30:23,161 We just broke up. 477 00:30:24,704 --> 00:30:27,002 I'm sorry. That's too bad. 478 00:30:27,974 --> 00:30:30,408 Yeah. Well, you know. 479 00:30:30,476 --> 00:30:32,137 Yeah. 480 00:30:32,211 --> 00:30:35,078 So, what about you? 481 00:30:35,148 --> 00:30:37,514 - I'm fine. - How's married life? 482 00:30:39,519 --> 00:30:42,613 Not so good. I'm getting a divorce. 483 00:30:42,688 --> 00:30:44,781 Oh, I'm sorry. 484 00:30:44,857 --> 00:30:46,620 I'm really sorry. 485 00:30:46,692 --> 00:30:50,025 Yeah. Well, what are you gonna do? 486 00:30:50,096 --> 00:30:51,859 What happened with you guys? 487 00:30:51,931 --> 00:30:55,833 When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. 488 00:30:55,902 --> 00:30:58,735 We wanted to live together but not get married... 489 00:30:58,805 --> 00:31:02,138 because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. 490 00:31:02,208 --> 00:31:04,369 They practically never had sex again. 491 00:31:04,443 --> 00:31:05,876 It's true. 492 00:31:05,945 --> 00:31:08,641 It's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. 493 00:31:08,714 --> 00:31:11,649 I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids... 494 00:31:11,717 --> 00:31:14,413 Actually, my one girlfriend who has kids... Alice. 495 00:31:14,487 --> 00:31:18,583 She would complain how she and Gary never did it anymore. 496 00:31:18,658 --> 00:31:22,150 She didn't even complain about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. 497 00:31:22,228 --> 00:31:25,720 She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time... 498 00:31:25,798 --> 00:31:29,063 the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. 499 00:31:31,304 --> 00:31:34,171 Joe and I used to say we're so lucky. 500 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,174 We have this wonderful relationship. 501 00:31:36,242 --> 00:31:40,474 We can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. 502 00:31:40,546 --> 00:31:44,414 We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. 503 00:31:45,551 --> 00:31:48,918 Then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon... 504 00:31:48,988 --> 00:31:50,922 because I promised to take her to the circus. 505 00:31:50,990 --> 00:31:54,619 And we were in the cab playing "I Spy." 506 00:31:54,694 --> 00:31:57,857 "I spy a mailbox. I spy a lamp post." 507 00:31:57,930 --> 00:32:01,366 And she looked out the window and saw this man and this woman... 508 00:32:01,434 --> 00:32:03,129 with these two little kids... 509 00:32:03,202 --> 00:32:05,966 and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders. 510 00:32:06,038 --> 00:32:09,565 And she said, "I spy a family." 511 00:32:10,710 --> 00:32:12,803 And I started to cry. 512 00:32:12,879 --> 00:32:14,972 You know, I just started crying. 513 00:32:16,482 --> 00:32:18,473 I went home, and I said... 514 00:32:18,551 --> 00:32:22,510 "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice." 515 00:32:22,588 --> 00:32:24,453 And the kitchen floor? 516 00:32:24,523 --> 00:32:26,218 Not once. 517 00:32:26,292 --> 00:32:29,784 It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile. 518 00:32:31,497 --> 00:32:35,160 Anyway, we talked about it for a long time... 519 00:32:35,234 --> 00:32:37,168 and I said, "This is what I want." 520 00:32:37,236 --> 00:32:39,227 And he said, "Well, I don't." 521 00:32:39,305 --> 00:32:43,071 And I said, "Well, I guess it's over." And he left. 522 00:32:45,578 --> 00:32:49,446 And the thing is, I feel really fine. 523 00:32:49,515 --> 00:32:52,712 I am over him. I mean, I really am over him. 524 00:32:52,785 --> 00:32:56,152 That was it for him. That was the most that he could give. 525 00:32:56,222 --> 00:33:00,659 And every time I think about it, I am more convinced I did the right thing. 526 00:33:00,726 --> 00:33:03,251 Boy, you sound really healthy. 527 00:33:03,329 --> 00:33:05,661 Yeah. 528 00:33:05,731 --> 00:33:09,497 - At least I got the apartment. - That's what everybody says to me too. 529 00:33:09,568 --> 00:33:12,128 But, really, what's so hard about finding an apartment? 530 00:33:12,204 --> 00:33:14,638 What you do is you read the obituary column. 531 00:33:14,707 --> 00:33:18,074 You find out who died, go to the building and tip the doorman. 532 00:33:18,144 --> 00:33:20,806 What they could do to make it easier is combine the obituaries... 533 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:22,745 with the real estate section. 534 00:33:22,815 --> 00:33:25,648 Then you have, "Mr. Klein died today, leaving a wife, two children... 535 00:33:25,718 --> 00:33:29,313 and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace." 536 00:33:33,125 --> 00:33:36,151 The first time we met, I really didn't like you that much. 537 00:33:36,228 --> 00:33:38,219 - I didn't like you. - Yeah, you did. 538 00:33:38,297 --> 00:33:41,494 You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now. 539 00:33:41,567 --> 00:33:43,501 I hate that kind of remark. 540 00:33:43,569 --> 00:33:46,003 It sounds like a compliment, but really it's an insult. 541 00:33:46,072 --> 00:33:48,233 Okay, you're still as hard as nails. 542 00:33:48,307 --> 00:33:50,673 I just didn't want to sleep with you, and you had to write it off... 543 00:33:50,743 --> 00:33:53,177 as a character flaw instead of dealing with the possibility... 544 00:33:53,245 --> 00:33:56,180 that it might have something to do with you. 545 00:33:57,416 --> 00:34:00,442 What's the statute of limitations on apologies? 546 00:34:02,088 --> 00:34:05,683 - Ten years. - I can just get it in under the wire. 547 00:34:10,463 --> 00:34:12,914 Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? 548 00:34:13,315 --> 00:34:15,806 Are we becoming friends now? 549 00:34:17,252 --> 00:34:18,685 Well... 550 00:34:20,155 --> 00:34:21,588 yeah. 551 00:34:23,225 --> 00:34:25,591 Great. A woman friend. 552 00:34:26,695 --> 00:34:28,925 You may be the first attractive woman... 553 00:34:28,997 --> 00:34:32,091 I have not wanted to sleep with in my entire life. 554 00:34:32,167 --> 00:34:33,930 That's wonderful, Harry. 555 00:34:35,737 --> 00:34:39,070 - We were both born in the same hospital. - In 1921. 556 00:34:39,141 --> 00:34:41,837 - Seven days apart. - In the same hospital. 557 00:34:41,910 --> 00:34:45,004 - We lived a block away from each other. - We both lived in tenements. 558 00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:47,844 - On the Lower East Side. - On Delancey Street. 559 00:34:47,916 --> 00:34:50,851 My family moved to the Bronx when I was ten. 560 00:34:50,919 --> 00:34:54,355 - Hers moved when she was 11. - I lived on 183rd Street. 561 00:34:54,423 --> 00:34:58,291 - She worked on the 15th floor... - I worked for a prominent neurologist. 562 00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:02,956 As a nurse where I had a practice on the 14th floor of the same building. 563 00:35:03,031 --> 00:35:05,329 - We never met. - Never met. 564 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:06,992 Can you imagine that? 565 00:35:07,069 --> 00:35:08,832 You know where we met? 566 00:35:08,904 --> 00:35:10,838 - In an elevator... - I was visiting family. 567 00:35:10,906 --> 00:35:13,739 - In the Ambassador Hotel in Chicago. - He was on the third floor. 568 00:35:13,809 --> 00:35:15,401 I was on the 12th. 569 00:35:15,477 --> 00:35:18,742 I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her. 570 00:35:18,814 --> 00:35:20,805 Nine extra floors. 571 00:35:31,393 --> 00:35:34,089 - Hello. - You sleeping? 572 00:35:34,162 --> 00:35:35,925 No, I was watching Casablanca. 573 00:35:35,997 --> 00:35:37,521 - Channel, please. - Eleven. 574 00:35:37,599 --> 00:35:39,760 Thank you. Got it. 575 00:35:39,835 --> 00:35:43,931 You're telling me you would be happier with Victor Laszlo than with Bogart? 576 00:35:44,005 --> 00:35:46,269 - When did I say that? - When we drove to New York. 577 00:35:47,342 --> 00:35:49,469 I would never have said that. 578 00:35:49,544 --> 00:35:51,774 All right, fine. Have it your way. 579 00:35:53,615 --> 00:35:55,708 - Have you been sleeping? - Why? 580 00:35:55,784 --> 00:35:57,615 'Cause I haven't been sleeping. 581 00:35:57,686 --> 00:35:59,711 I really miss Helen. 582 00:36:01,123 --> 00:36:03,057 Maybe I'm coming down with something. 583 00:36:03,125 --> 00:36:06,526 Last night I was up at 4... 00 a.m. Watching Leave It To Beaver in Spanish. 584 00:36:10,398 --> 00:36:11,831 I'm not well. 585 00:36:11,900 --> 00:36:15,836 I went to bed at 7... 30 last night. I haven't done that since the 3rd grade. 586 00:36:15,904 --> 00:36:19,169 That's the good thing about depression. You get your rest. 587 00:36:19,241 --> 00:36:22,301 - I'm not depressed. - Okay, fine. 588 00:36:22,377 --> 00:36:25,312 Do you still sleep on the same side of the bed? 589 00:36:25,380 --> 00:36:28,213 I did for a while, but now I'm pretty much using the whole bed. 590 00:36:28,283 --> 00:36:29,978 God, that's great. 591 00:36:30,051 --> 00:36:33,111 I feel weird when just my leg wanders over. 592 00:36:33,955 --> 00:36:36,048 I miss her. 593 00:36:36,124 --> 00:36:39,719 - I don't miss him. I really don't. - Not even a little? 594 00:36:39,795 --> 00:36:41,763 You know what I miss? 595 00:36:41,830 --> 00:36:44,321 I miss the idea of him. 596 00:36:46,001 --> 00:36:49,129 Maybe I only miss the idea of Helen. 597 00:36:49,204 --> 00:36:51,195 No, I miss the whole Helen. 598 00:36:55,110 --> 00:36:56,805 Last scene. 599 00:37:00,015 --> 00:37:03,542 Good-bye, Rick. I will miss you. 600 00:37:03,618 --> 00:37:05,210 Ooh, Ingrid Bergman. 601 00:37:05,287 --> 00:37:07,812 - Now, she's low maintenance. - Low maintenance? 602 00:37:07,889 --> 00:37:11,416 There are two kinds of women... high maintenance and low maintenance. 603 00:37:11,493 --> 00:37:14,053 And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance? 604 00:37:14,129 --> 00:37:15,892 An LM, definitely. 605 00:37:15,964 --> 00:37:18,398 - Which one am I? - You're the worst kind. 606 00:37:18,466 --> 00:37:21,162 You're high maintenance, but you think you're low maintenance. 607 00:37:21,236 --> 00:37:23,670 - I don't see that. - You don't see that? 608 00:37:23,738 --> 00:37:26,639 "Waiter, I'll begin with the house salad but I don't want the regular dressing. 609 00:37:26,708 --> 00:37:29,233 I'll have the Balsamic vinegar and oil but on the side. 610 00:37:29,311 --> 00:37:32,678 And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but the sauce on the side." 611 00:37:32,747 --> 00:37:35,011 "On the side" is a very big thing for you. 612 00:37:35,083 --> 00:37:38,780 - I just want it the way I want it. - I know. High maintenance. 613 00:37:38,854 --> 00:37:42,119 10,000 francs should pay our expenses. 614 00:37:42,190 --> 00:37:44,215 "Our" expenses? 615 00:37:44,292 --> 00:37:48,820 Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 616 00:37:49,998 --> 00:37:53,399 Best last line of a movie ever. 617 00:37:56,238 --> 00:37:58,502 I'm definitely coming down with something. 618 00:37:58,573 --> 00:38:01,007 Probably a 24-hour tumor. They're going around. 619 00:38:01,076 --> 00:38:03,067 - You don't have a tumor. - How do you know? 620 00:38:03,144 --> 00:38:05,442 If you're so worried, see a doctor. 621 00:38:05,513 --> 00:38:08,107 He'll just tell me it's nothing. 622 00:38:08,183 --> 00:38:11,118 - Will you be able to sleep? - If not, I'll be okay. 623 00:38:11,186 --> 00:38:14,349 - What'll you do? - I'll stay up and moan. 624 00:38:14,422 --> 00:38:16,356 Maybe I should practice now. 625 00:38:22,597 --> 00:38:24,189 Good night, Harry. 626 00:38:25,367 --> 00:38:26,891 Good night. 627 00:39:03,104 --> 00:39:07,268 Had my dream again where I'm making love and the Olympic judges are watching. 628 00:39:07,342 --> 00:39:10,106 I'd nailed the compulsories. So this is it, the finals. 629 00:39:10,178 --> 00:39:13,773 I got a 9.8 from the Canadian, a perfect 10 from the American... 630 00:39:13,848 --> 00:39:17,375 and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. 631 00:39:17,452 --> 00:39:19,818 Must have been the dismount. 632 00:39:19,888 --> 00:39:23,221 Basically, it's the same one I've been having since I was 12. 633 00:39:23,291 --> 00:39:26,158 - What happens? - No, it's too embarrassing. 634 00:39:26,227 --> 00:39:28,718 - Don't tell me. - Okay, there's this guy. 635 00:39:28,797 --> 00:39:30,822 - What's he look like? - I don't know. 636 00:39:30,899 --> 00:39:34,164 - He's just kind of faceless. - Faceless guy. Then what? 637 00:39:35,804 --> 00:39:37,965 He rips off my clothes. 638 00:39:38,039 --> 00:39:39,904 Then what happens? 639 00:39:39,975 --> 00:39:41,465 That's it. 640 00:39:42,577 --> 00:39:44,010 That's it? 641 00:39:44,079 --> 00:39:46,047 A faceless guy rips off your clothes... 642 00:39:46,114 --> 00:39:48,742 and that's the sex fantasy you've been having since you were 12? 643 00:39:48,817 --> 00:39:50,250 Exactly the same? 644 00:39:50,318 --> 00:39:53,082 Well, sometimes I vary it a little. 645 00:39:53,154 --> 00:39:55,679 - Which part? - What I'm wearing. 646 00:40:00,862 --> 00:40:02,762 - What? - Nothing. 647 00:40:05,233 --> 00:40:08,430 I have decided that for the rest of the day... 648 00:40:08,503 --> 00:40:11,336 we are going to talk like this. 649 00:40:11,406 --> 00:40:12,839 - Like this? - No. 650 00:40:12,907 --> 00:40:14,898 Please to repeat after me. 651 00:40:14,976 --> 00:40:16,671 Pepper. 652 00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:23,210 Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash. 653 00:40:24,019 --> 00:40:25,953 Waiter, there is too much pepper... 654 00:40:26,021 --> 00:40:28,319 On my paprikash. 655 00:40:28,390 --> 00:40:31,359 But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie. 656 00:40:33,762 --> 00:40:35,525 But I would be proud... 657 00:40:35,597 --> 00:40:37,030 to partake... 658 00:40:37,098 --> 00:40:40,226 of your pecan pie. 659 00:40:40,301 --> 00:40:41,962 Pecan pie. 660 00:40:45,774 --> 00:40:49,369 Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight? 661 00:40:49,444 --> 00:40:51,878 Not to repeat. Please, to answer. 662 00:40:51,946 --> 00:40:55,382 Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight? 663 00:40:57,719 --> 00:40:59,653 I'd love to, but I can't. 664 00:40:59,721 --> 00:41:02,849 What, do you have a hot date? 665 00:41:02,924 --> 00:41:04,858 Well, yeah. Yeah. 666 00:41:04,926 --> 00:41:06,257 Really? 667 00:41:06,327 --> 00:41:09,888 I was going to tell you about it, but I felt strange about it. 668 00:41:09,964 --> 00:41:12,455 - Why? - Because we've been together a lot. 669 00:41:12,534 --> 00:41:14,695 I think it's great you have a date. 670 00:41:14,769 --> 00:41:16,794 - You do? - Yeah. 671 00:41:23,678 --> 00:41:26,112 - Is that what you're gonna wear? - Yeah. 672 00:41:27,115 --> 00:41:30,209 Well, I don't know. Why? 673 00:41:30,285 --> 00:41:34,346 I think you should wear skirts more. You look really good in skirts. 674 00:41:34,422 --> 00:41:37,050 - I do? - Yeah. 675 00:41:38,359 --> 00:41:40,293 I have a theory that hieroglyphics... 676 00:41:40,361 --> 00:41:43,558 are really an ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxy. 677 00:41:43,631 --> 00:41:45,565 You should get out there too. 678 00:41:45,633 --> 00:41:48,397 - Oh, I'm not ready. - You should. 679 00:41:48,470 --> 00:41:51,030 I would not be good for anybody right now. 680 00:41:51,106 --> 00:41:52,903 It's time. 681 00:41:52,974 --> 00:41:56,307 It was the most uncomfortable night of my life. 682 00:41:56,377 --> 00:41:59,471 See, now, it has to go this way. 683 00:41:59,547 --> 00:42:02,573 The first date back is always the toughest. 684 00:42:02,650 --> 00:42:04,515 You only had one date. 685 00:42:04,586 --> 00:42:07,180 How do you know it's not gonna get worse? 686 00:42:07,255 --> 00:42:09,532 How much worse can it get than finishing dinner... 687 00:42:09,666 --> 00:42:13,602 having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it? 688 00:42:13,670 --> 00:42:16,537 We're talking dream date compared to my horror. 689 00:42:16,606 --> 00:42:20,201 It started out fine. She's a very nice person. 690 00:42:20,277 --> 00:42:23,906 We're at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. 691 00:42:23,980 --> 00:42:27,746 I was making jokes like, "I didn't know they had food in Ethiopia. 692 00:42:27,817 --> 00:42:31,514 This'll be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave." 693 00:42:31,588 --> 00:42:33,954 Yeah. Nothing from her, not even a smile. 694 00:42:34,024 --> 00:42:37,016 I downshift into small talk, and I ask her where she went to school. 695 00:42:37,093 --> 00:42:38,856 She says Michigan State... 696 00:42:38,928 --> 00:42:40,862 and this reminds me of Helen. 697 00:42:40,930 --> 00:42:44,024 All of a sudden I'm in the middle of this massive anxiety attack. 698 00:42:44,100 --> 00:42:47,035 My heart's beating like a wild man, and I start sweating like a pig. 699 00:42:47,103 --> 00:42:48,695 Helen went to Michigan State? 700 00:42:48,772 --> 00:42:52,538 No, she went to Northwestern, but they're both Big Ten schools. 701 00:42:52,609 --> 00:42:55,544 I got so upset, I had to leave the restaurant. 702 00:42:57,781 --> 00:43:00,477 I think this takes a long time. 703 00:43:00,550 --> 00:43:04,577 It might be months before we're able to enjoy going out with someone new. 704 00:43:04,654 --> 00:43:05,916 Yeah. 705 00:43:05,989 --> 00:43:09,322 And maybe longer before we're actually able to go to bed with someone new. 706 00:43:09,392 --> 00:43:11,383 Oh, I went to bed with her. 707 00:43:12,896 --> 00:43:15,330 - You went to bed with her? - Sure. 708 00:43:21,738 --> 00:43:23,501 I don't understand this relationship. 709 00:43:23,573 --> 00:43:25,006 What do you mean? 710 00:43:25,075 --> 00:43:27,009 - Do you enjoy being with her? - Yeah. 711 00:43:27,077 --> 00:43:29,011 - Do you find her attractive? - Yeah. 712 00:43:29,079 --> 00:43:31,240 - And you're not sleeping with her? - No. 713 00:43:31,314 --> 00:43:33,612 You're afraid to let yourself be happy. 714 00:43:33,683 --> 00:43:37,175 Why can't you give me credit for this? This is a big thing for me. 715 00:43:37,253 --> 00:43:39,721 I've never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. 716 00:43:39,789 --> 00:43:42,724 - I feel like I'm growing. - Are you finished? 717 00:43:42,792 --> 00:43:45,226 I got a stack of quarters and I was here first. 718 00:43:45,295 --> 00:43:47,559 - Were not! - Was too! 719 00:43:47,630 --> 00:43:49,996 - Big jerk. - Little creep. 720 00:43:50,066 --> 00:43:52,694 - Where was I? - You were growing. 721 00:43:52,769 --> 00:43:54,202 Yeah. 722 00:43:54,270 --> 00:43:55,897 It's very freeing. 723 00:43:55,972 --> 00:43:57,906 I can say anything to her. 724 00:43:57,974 --> 00:44:00,943 You can say things to her you can't say to me? 725 00:44:01,010 --> 00:44:04,377 No, it's just different. It's a whole different perspective. 726 00:44:04,447 --> 00:44:06,881 I get the woman's point of view on things. 727 00:44:06,950 --> 00:44:10,545 She tells me about the men she dates, and I talk to her about the women I see. 728 00:44:10,620 --> 00:44:12,986 - You tell her about other women? - Yeah. 729 00:44:13,056 --> 00:44:16,492 Like the other night, I made love to this woman, and it was so incredible... 730 00:44:16,559 --> 00:44:18,493 I took her to a place that wasn't human. 731 00:44:18,561 --> 00:44:20,324 She actually meowed. 732 00:44:20,397 --> 00:44:22,331 - You made a woman meow? - Yeah. 733 00:44:22,399 --> 00:44:25,163 That's the point. I can say these things to her. 734 00:44:25,235 --> 00:44:27,260 And the great thing is, I don't have to lie... 735 00:44:27,337 --> 00:44:29,601 because I'm not always thinking about how to get her into bed. 736 00:44:29,672 --> 00:44:31,230 I can just be myself. 737 00:44:31,307 --> 00:44:33,935 You made a woman meow? 738 00:44:35,078 --> 00:44:38,047 What do you do with these women? You just get out of bed and leave? 739 00:44:38,114 --> 00:44:41,481 - Sure. - Explain how you do it. What do you say? 740 00:44:41,551 --> 00:44:44,179 I say I have an early meeting, early haircut, early squash game. 741 00:44:44,254 --> 00:44:48,520 - You don't play squash. - They don't know that. They just met me. 742 00:44:48,591 --> 00:44:51,185 - That's disgusting. - I know. I feel terrible. 743 00:44:51,261 --> 00:44:54,128 I'm so glad I never got involved with you. 744 00:44:54,197 --> 00:44:56,165 I would have ended up being some woman... 745 00:44:56,232 --> 00:44:59,998 you had to get out of bed and leave at 3:00 a.m. And clean your andirons. 746 00:45:00,069 --> 00:45:02,902 And you don't even have a fireplace. Not that I would know this. 747 00:45:02,972 --> 00:45:05,406 Why are you getting upset? This is not about you. 748 00:45:05,475 --> 00:45:06,806 Yes, it is. 749 00:45:06,876 --> 00:45:09,743 You are a human affront to all women, and I am a woman. 750 00:45:09,813 --> 00:45:12,680 I don't feel great about this, but I don't hear anyone complaining. 751 00:45:12,749 --> 00:45:15,240 Of course not. You're out the door too fast. 752 00:45:15,318 --> 00:45:17,786 I think they have an okay time. 753 00:45:17,854 --> 00:45:21,449 - How do you know? - What do you mean? I know. 754 00:45:21,524 --> 00:45:23,515 Because they... 755 00:45:23,593 --> 00:45:26,084 Yes, because they... 756 00:45:26,162 --> 00:45:28,653 How do you know that they're really... 757 00:45:28,731 --> 00:45:31,791 What are you saying? That they fake orgasm? 758 00:45:31,868 --> 00:45:34,428 - It's possible. - Get outta here. 759 00:45:34,504 --> 00:45:37,837 Why? Most women, at one time or another, have faked it. 760 00:45:37,907 --> 00:45:41,172 - They haven't faked it with me. - How do you know? 761 00:45:42,345 --> 00:45:43,972 Because I know. 762 00:45:47,016 --> 00:45:48,711 Right. That's right. 763 00:45:48,785 --> 00:45:51,185 I forgot. You're a man. 764 00:45:51,254 --> 00:45:53,552 - What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing. 765 00:45:53,623 --> 00:45:57,218 All men are sure it never happened to them, and most women have done it. 766 00:45:57,293 --> 00:45:58,726 You do the math. 767 00:45:58,795 --> 00:46:01,730 You don't think that I can tell the difference? 768 00:46:03,199 --> 00:46:05,224 Get outta here. 769 00:46:19,282 --> 00:46:21,341 Are you okay? 770 00:46:25,321 --> 00:46:27,312 Oh, God. 771 00:46:28,892 --> 00:46:30,325 Oh, God! 772 00:46:40,236 --> 00:46:42,568 Oh, yeah, right there. 773 00:46:50,513 --> 00:46:51,775 Yes! 774 00:47:24,948 --> 00:47:27,041 I'll have what she's having. 775 00:48:51,067 --> 00:48:53,467 I like you without your beard. You can see your face. 776 00:48:53,536 --> 00:48:55,629 Yeah, it is my face. 777 00:48:55,705 --> 00:48:57,536 I'm dipping you. 778 00:49:01,044 --> 00:49:03,638 I really want to thank you for taking me out tonight. 779 00:49:03,713 --> 00:49:07,308 Don't be silly. Next New Year's Eve, if neither one of us is with anybody... 780 00:49:07,383 --> 00:49:08,816 you got a date. 781 00:49:08,885 --> 00:49:10,375 Deal. 782 00:49:11,721 --> 00:49:13,882 Now we can dance cheek-to-cheek. 783 00:49:40,049 --> 00:49:43,917 Hey, everybody, ten seconds to New Year! 784 00:49:43,986 --> 00:49:46,352 - Ten, nine, eight... - Wanna get some air? 785 00:49:46,422 --> 00:49:48,049 - Yeah. - Seven, six... 786 00:49:48,124 --> 00:49:49,819 five, four... 787 00:49:49,892 --> 00:49:51,883 three, two, one! 788 00:49:51,961 --> 00:49:53,451 Happy New Year! 789 00:50:01,771 --> 00:50:06,435 Should old acquaintance be forgot 790 00:50:06,509 --> 00:50:11,469 And never brought to mind 791 00:50:11,547 --> 00:50:15,347 Should old acquaintance be forgot 792 00:50:15,418 --> 00:50:17,249 Happy New Year. 793 00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:22,155 And days of auld lang syne 794 00:50:24,359 --> 00:50:27,260 Well, he was the head counselor at the boys' camp... 795 00:50:27,328 --> 00:50:30,161 and I was the head counselor at the girls' camp. 796 00:50:30,231 --> 00:50:34,099 They had a social one night, and he walked across the room. 797 00:50:34,169 --> 00:50:37,195 I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine... 798 00:50:37,272 --> 00:50:41,174 'cause people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine. 799 00:50:41,242 --> 00:50:44,109 But he was coming to talk to me, and he said... 800 00:50:44,179 --> 00:50:47,171 "I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls." 801 00:50:47,248 --> 00:50:49,045 At that moment, I knew. 802 00:50:49,117 --> 00:50:51,881 I knew the way you know about a good melon. 803 00:50:53,788 --> 00:50:56,382 You sent flowers to yourself? 804 00:50:56,458 --> 00:50:59,655 Sixty dollars I spent on this big, stupid arrangement of flowers... 805 00:50:59,728 --> 00:51:02,162 and I wrote a card that I planned to leave on the front table... 806 00:51:02,230 --> 00:51:04,494 where Arthur would just happen to see it. 807 00:51:04,566 --> 00:51:07,000 What did the card say? 808 00:51:07,068 --> 00:51:09,730 "Please say yes. Love, Jonathan." 809 00:51:09,804 --> 00:51:12,238 - Did it work? - He never even came over. 810 00:51:12,307 --> 00:51:15,071 He forgot this charity thing that his wife is chairman of. 811 00:51:15,143 --> 00:51:17,577 - He's never gonna leave her! - Of course he isn't. 812 00:51:17,645 --> 00:51:20,910 You're right. I know you're right. Where is this place? 813 00:51:20,982 --> 00:51:23,075 Somewhere in the next block. 814 00:51:23,151 --> 00:51:25,483 I can't believe I'm doing this. 815 00:51:25,553 --> 00:51:29,250 Look, Harry is one of my best friends, and you are one of my best friends. 816 00:51:29,324 --> 00:51:32,589 If by some chance you two hit it off, then we can all still be friends... 817 00:51:32,660 --> 00:51:34,093 instead of drifting apart... 818 00:51:34,162 --> 00:51:36,756 like you do when you get involved with someone who doesn't know your friends. 819 00:51:36,831 --> 00:51:39,766 You and I haven't drifted apart since I started seeing Arthur. 820 00:51:41,102 --> 00:51:44,765 If Arthur ever left his wife and I actually met him... 821 00:51:44,839 --> 00:51:48,275 I am sure that you and I would drift apart. 822 00:51:48,343 --> 00:51:50,436 He's never gonna leave her. 823 00:51:50,512 --> 00:51:52,776 Of course he isn't. 824 00:51:52,847 --> 00:51:55,111 You're right. You're right. I know you're right. 825 00:51:55,183 --> 00:51:57,708 - I don't know about this. - It's just a dinner. 826 00:51:57,786 --> 00:51:59,879 I've finally gotten to a place in my life... 827 00:51:59,954 --> 00:52:02,889 where I'm comfortable with the fact that it's just me and my work. 828 00:52:02,957 --> 00:52:05,050 If she's so great, why aren't you taking her out? 829 00:52:05,126 --> 00:52:07,390 How many times do I have to tell you? We're just friends. 830 00:52:07,462 --> 00:52:10,226 - You're saying she's not attractive? - I told you she is attractive. 831 00:52:10,298 --> 00:52:12,232 You also said she had a good personality. 832 00:52:12,300 --> 00:52:14,234 She has a good personality. 833 00:52:16,304 --> 00:52:17,737 What? 834 00:52:17,806 --> 00:52:19,740 When someone's not that attractive... 835 00:52:19,808 --> 00:52:22,572 they're always described as having a good personality. 836 00:52:22,644 --> 00:52:25,078 If you had asked me, "What does she look like?" and I said... 837 00:52:25,146 --> 00:52:27,910 "She has a good personality," that means she's not attractive. 838 00:52:27,982 --> 00:52:30,746 But just because I happened to mention she has a good personality... 839 00:52:30,819 --> 00:52:32,252 she could be either. 840 00:52:32,320 --> 00:52:33,912 She could be attractive with a good personality... 841 00:52:33,988 --> 00:52:35,853 or not attractive with a good personality. 842 00:52:35,924 --> 00:52:37,915 - So which one is she? - Attractive. 843 00:52:37,992 --> 00:52:39,926 But not beautiful, right? 844 00:52:42,797 --> 00:52:45,163 It's like whenever I read Jimmy Breslin... 845 00:52:45,233 --> 00:52:48,168 it's as if he's leaving a kind of a wake-up call... 846 00:52:48,236 --> 00:52:50,500 for the City of New York. 847 00:52:50,572 --> 00:52:52,870 What do you mean by a wake-up call? 848 00:52:52,941 --> 00:52:55,375 He's saying the people in the city... 849 00:52:57,178 --> 00:53:00,272 - An art director. - Would I have seen any of your windows? 850 00:53:00,348 --> 00:53:04,444 At Barney's a couple of weeks ago I did a thing with hostages. 851 00:53:04,519 --> 00:53:06,612 - The people in blindfolds. - Yeah. 852 00:53:06,688 --> 00:53:09,122 I thought it was like late '80s. 853 00:53:10,358 --> 00:53:12,383 - It's macho. - That's interesting. 854 00:53:12,460 --> 00:53:15,793 Let's just say I'm not a big fan of Jimmy Breslin. 855 00:53:15,864 --> 00:53:19,459 He's the reason I became a writer, but that's not important. 856 00:53:32,981 --> 00:53:36,747 Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey. 857 00:53:36,818 --> 00:53:38,410 - Really? - Where are you from? 858 00:53:38,486 --> 00:53:40,078 - South Orange. - Haddenfield. 859 00:53:47,762 --> 00:53:49,627 So what are we gonna order? 860 00:53:49,697 --> 00:53:52,359 Well, I'm going to start with the grilled radicchio. 861 00:53:52,433 --> 00:53:53,957 Sally is a great orderer. 862 00:53:54,035 --> 00:53:56,003 Not only does she always pick the best thing on the menu... 863 00:53:56,070 --> 00:53:59,164 but she orders it in a way that even the chef didn't know how good it could be. 864 00:53:59,240 --> 00:54:02,676 - Restaurants have become too important. - I agree. 865 00:54:02,744 --> 00:54:04,678 "Restaurants are to people in the '80s... 866 00:54:04,746 --> 00:54:06,976 what theater was to people in the '60s." 867 00:54:07,048 --> 00:54:08,982 I read that in a magazine. 868 00:54:09,050 --> 00:54:11,712 I wrote that. 869 00:54:11,786 --> 00:54:14,653 - Get outta here. - No, I did. I wrote that. 870 00:54:14,722 --> 00:54:17,657 I've never quoted anything from a magazine in my life. 871 00:54:17,725 --> 00:54:20,751 Don't you think that's amazing? And you wrote it? 872 00:54:21,930 --> 00:54:24,524 I also wrote, "Pesto is the quiche of the '80s." 873 00:54:24,599 --> 00:54:27,363 - Get over yourself! - I did! 874 00:54:27,435 --> 00:54:29,665 - Where did I read that? - New York magazine. 875 00:54:29,737 --> 00:54:31,671 Sally writes for New York magazine. 876 00:54:32,740 --> 00:54:36,801 That piece had a real impact on me. I don't know that much about writing... 877 00:54:36,878 --> 00:54:39,711 It spoke to you, and that pleases me. 878 00:54:39,781 --> 00:54:43,148 I mean, you have to admire people who can be that articulate... 879 00:54:43,217 --> 00:54:47,779 Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before. 880 00:54:56,431 --> 00:54:59,423 I've been looking for a red suede pump. 881 00:55:02,170 --> 00:55:04,331 What do you think of Jess? 882 00:55:05,640 --> 00:55:08,632 - Well... - Do you think you could go out with him? 883 00:55:09,844 --> 00:55:13,541 - I don't know. - I feel really comfortable with him. 884 00:55:13,614 --> 00:55:17,106 - You want to go out with Jess. - If it would be all right with you. 885 00:55:17,185 --> 00:55:18,880 Sure, sure. 886 00:55:18,953 --> 00:55:21,547 I'm just worried about Harry. He's very sensitive. 887 00:55:21,622 --> 00:55:25,558 He's going through a rough period. I just don't want you to reject him. 888 00:55:25,626 --> 00:55:27,753 I wouldn't. I totally understand. 889 00:55:27,829 --> 00:55:31,390 If you don't think you're going to call Marie, do you mind if I call her? 890 00:55:31,466 --> 00:55:33,161 - No. - Good, good, good. 891 00:55:33,234 --> 00:55:37,330 But for tonight you shouldn't. Sally's very vulnerable right now. 892 00:55:37,405 --> 00:55:40,340 You can call Marie, but just wait a week or so. 893 00:55:40,408 --> 00:55:42,672 - Don't make any moves tonight. - No problem. 894 00:55:42,744 --> 00:55:44,735 I wasn't even thinking about tonight. 895 00:55:46,047 --> 00:55:49,642 I don't feel much like walking anymore. I think I'll get a cab. 896 00:55:49,717 --> 00:55:51,207 - I'll go with you. - Great! 897 00:55:51,285 --> 00:55:52,809 Taxi! 898 00:56:04,165 --> 00:56:06,861 A man came to me and said... 899 00:56:06,934 --> 00:56:10,097 "I found nice girl for you. 900 00:56:10,171 --> 00:56:14,437 She lives in the next village... 901 00:56:14,509 --> 00:56:17,603 and she is ready for marriage." 902 00:56:19,013 --> 00:56:23,313 We were not supposed to meet until the wedding... 903 00:56:23,384 --> 00:56:25,545 but I wanted to make sure. 904 00:56:25,620 --> 00:56:27,986 So I sneak into her village... 905 00:56:28,056 --> 00:56:30,024 hid behind a tree... 906 00:56:30,091 --> 00:56:33,458 watch her washing the clothes. 907 00:56:33,528 --> 00:56:37,521 I think if I don't like the way she looks... 908 00:56:37,598 --> 00:56:39,532 I don't marry her. 909 00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:42,467 But she looked really nice to me. 910 00:56:42,537 --> 00:56:46,303 So I said, "Okay," to the man. 911 00:56:46,374 --> 00:56:48,069 We get married. 912 00:56:48,142 --> 00:56:52,325 We're married for 55 years. 913 00:56:58,265 --> 00:57:01,723 - I have to get this. - We're here for Jess and Marie. 914 00:57:01,802 --> 00:57:04,327 We'll find them something. There's great stuff here. 915 00:57:04,404 --> 00:57:07,100 - We should've gone to the plant store. - Perfect for them. 916 00:57:07,174 --> 00:57:09,108 What's that? 917 00:57:09,176 --> 00:57:11,701 Battery-operated pith helmet, with fan. 918 00:57:11,778 --> 00:57:14,076 Why is this necessary in life? 919 00:57:14,147 --> 00:57:17,913 I don't know. Look at this. It also makes great fries. 920 00:57:17,984 --> 00:57:22,182 Uh-oh. Call off the dogs. The hunt is over. 921 00:57:22,255 --> 00:57:25,088 Sally, this is the greatest. 922 00:57:25,158 --> 00:57:27,649 Sally, please report to me. 923 00:57:27,727 --> 00:57:30,218 This is the greatest. You're gonna love this. 924 00:57:30,297 --> 00:57:32,857 This is a singing machine. 925 00:57:32,933 --> 00:57:35,993 You sing the lead, and this has the backup and everything. 926 00:57:36,069 --> 00:57:38,037 This is from Oklahoma. Here's the lyrics right here. 927 00:57:38,105 --> 00:57:41,040 - "Surrey With the Fringe on Top." - Yes. Perfect. 928 00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:46,508 Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry 929 00:57:46,580 --> 00:57:49,549 When I take you out in my surrey 930 00:57:52,252 --> 00:57:55,312 With the fringe on top Now you. 931 00:57:55,388 --> 00:57:57,982 Watch that fringe and see how it flutters 932 00:57:58,058 --> 00:58:00,993 When I drive them high-steppin'strutters 933 00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:03,291 Nosy pokes will peek through the shutters 934 00:58:03,363 --> 00:58:05,695 And their eyes will pop 935 00:58:05,765 --> 00:58:08,757 The wheels are yellow the upholstery's brown 936 00:58:08,835 --> 00:58:11,099 The dashboard's genuine leather 937 00:58:11,171 --> 00:58:14,368 With isinglass curtains that will roll... 938 00:58:14,441 --> 00:58:15,931 What? 939 00:58:16,009 --> 00:58:19,467 It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice. 940 00:58:19,546 --> 00:58:22,515 - I know. It's terrible. Joe hated it. - It's Helen. 941 00:58:22,582 --> 00:58:24,812 Helen? 942 00:58:24,885 --> 00:58:26,819 She's coming right towards me. 943 00:58:35,595 --> 00:58:37,119 How are you, Harry? 944 00:58:37,197 --> 00:58:39,961 Fine. I'm fine. 945 00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:42,894 This is Ira Stone. Harry Burns. 946 00:58:49,242 --> 00:58:51,437 I'm sorry. This is Sally Albright. 947 00:58:51,511 --> 00:58:55,003 Helen Hillson and Ira. 948 00:58:57,184 --> 00:58:59,584 - Nice to meet you. - Hi. 949 00:59:02,789 --> 00:59:04,882 Well... 950 00:59:04,958 --> 00:59:06,255 see you. 951 00:59:06,326 --> 00:59:08,590 Yeah. Bye. 952 00:59:09,996 --> 00:59:12,487 Nice to meet you, Ira. 953 00:59:17,637 --> 00:59:19,571 You okay? 954 00:59:20,840 --> 00:59:23,400 Yeah, I'm perfect. 955 00:59:23,476 --> 00:59:25,808 She looked weird, didn't she? She looked really weird. 956 00:59:25,879 --> 00:59:28,074 - She looked very weird. - I've never seen her before. 957 00:59:28,148 --> 00:59:30,616 Trust me. She looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. 958 00:59:30,684 --> 00:59:32,811 Really. She must be retaining water. 959 00:59:32,886 --> 00:59:35,548 Believe me, the woman saved everything. 960 00:59:38,558 --> 00:59:40,583 You sure you're okay? 961 00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:43,891 Oh, I'm fine. Look, it had to happen at some point. 962 00:59:43,964 --> 00:59:46,524 In a city of eight million people, you're bound to run into your ex-wife. 963 00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:49,091 So, boom, it happened. And now I'm fine. 964 00:59:53,340 --> 00:59:56,309 I like it. It works. It says home to me. 965 00:59:56,376 --> 00:59:59,436 All right. We'll let Harry and Sally be the judge. 966 01:00:00,647 --> 01:00:03,047 What do you think? 967 01:00:03,116 --> 01:00:05,050 - It's nice. - Case closed. 968 01:00:05,118 --> 01:00:08,815 Of course he likes it. He's a guy. Sally. 969 01:00:11,057 --> 01:00:12,991 What's so awful about it? 970 01:00:13,059 --> 01:00:17,359 It's so awful, there's no way to begin to explain what's so awful about it. 971 01:00:17,430 --> 01:00:19,625 Honey, I don't object to any of your things. 972 01:00:19,699 --> 01:00:22,065 If we had an extra room, you could put all your things in it... 973 01:00:22,135 --> 01:00:26,868 - including your bar stools... - Wait. You don't like my bar stools? 974 01:00:28,008 --> 01:00:30,806 Harry, come on. Someone has to be on my side. 975 01:00:30,877 --> 01:00:33,903 I'm on your side. I'm just trying to help you have good taste. 976 01:00:33,980 --> 01:00:36,346 I have good taste. 977 01:00:36,416 --> 01:00:39,180 Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor... 978 01:00:39,252 --> 01:00:41,447 but they couldn't possibly all have good taste. 979 01:00:41,521 --> 01:00:45,389 You know, it's funny. We started out like this, Helen and I. 980 01:00:45,458 --> 01:00:48,950 We had blank walls. We hung things. We picked out tiles together. 981 01:00:49,029 --> 01:00:52,021 Then you know what happens? Six years later, you find yourself singing... 982 01:00:52,098 --> 01:00:55,659 "Surrey With a Fringe on Top" in front of Ira! 983 01:00:55,735 --> 01:00:57,669 Do we have to talk about this right now? 984 01:00:57,737 --> 01:01:00,763 Yes, right now actually is the perfect time to talk about this... 985 01:01:00,840 --> 01:01:04,571 because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience. 986 01:01:04,644 --> 01:01:08,273 Right now everything is great. Everyone is happy. Everyone is in love. 987 01:01:08,348 --> 01:01:11,647 And that's wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later... 988 01:01:11,718 --> 01:01:14,949 you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. 989 01:01:15,021 --> 01:01:18,218 This eight-dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls... 990 01:01:18,291 --> 01:01:20,782 to the legal firm of "That's Mine, This is Yours." 991 01:01:20,860 --> 01:01:22,452 Please. 992 01:01:23,830 --> 01:01:25,798 Do me a favor for your own good. 993 01:01:25,865 --> 01:01:27,890 Put your name in your books right now... 994 01:01:27,967 --> 01:01:30,197 before they get mixed up and you don't know whose is whose. 995 01:01:30,270 --> 01:01:32,135 Because someday, believe it or not... 996 01:01:32,205 --> 01:01:35,299 you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. 997 01:01:35,375 --> 01:01:37,969 This stupid, wagon wheel... 998 01:01:38,044 --> 01:01:40,911 Roy Rogers, garage sale coffee table! 999 01:01:42,482 --> 01:01:46,213 - I thought you liked it. - I was being nice! 1000 01:01:50,290 --> 01:01:52,918 He just bumped into Helen. 1001 01:02:00,433 --> 01:02:03,527 I want you to know... 1002 01:02:03,603 --> 01:02:07,630 that I will never want that wagon wheel coffee table. 1003 01:02:16,449 --> 01:02:19,714 I know. I know. I shouldn't have done that. 1004 01:02:19,786 --> 01:02:23,654 Harry, you're gonna have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling... 1005 01:02:23,723 --> 01:02:26,521 that you have every moment that you have them. 1006 01:02:26,593 --> 01:02:29,391 - Oh, really? - Yes. 1007 01:02:29,462 --> 01:02:32,954 There are times and places for things. 1008 01:02:33,032 --> 01:02:36,524 The next time you're giving a lecture series on social graces, let me know... 1009 01:02:36,603 --> 01:02:38,036 'cause I'll sign up. 1010 01:02:38,104 --> 01:02:41,801 Hey! You don't have to take your anger out on me. 1011 01:02:41,875 --> 01:02:44,105 I'm entitled to throw a little anger your way... 1012 01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:48,045 especially when I'm being told how to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners. 1013 01:02:48,114 --> 01:02:51,948 - What's that supposed to mean? - I mean nothing bothers you. 1014 01:02:52,018 --> 01:02:55,784 - You never get upset about anything. - Don't be ridiculous. 1015 01:02:55,855 --> 01:02:58,881 What? You never get upset about Joe. 1016 01:02:58,958 --> 01:03:01,859 I never see that back up on you. How is that possible? 1017 01:03:01,928 --> 01:03:03,953 Don't you experience any feelings of loss? 1018 01:03:04,030 --> 01:03:05,827 I don't have to take this crap from you. 1019 01:03:05,899 --> 01:03:08,800 If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone? 1020 01:03:08,868 --> 01:03:10,802 - I see people! - See people. 1021 01:03:10,870 --> 01:03:13,464 Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe? 1022 01:03:13,540 --> 01:03:16,475 What the hell does that have to do with anything? 1023 01:03:16,543 --> 01:03:20,445 That will prove I'm over Joe because I fuck somebody? 1024 01:03:20,513 --> 01:03:22,845 You'll have to move back to New Jersey... 1025 01:03:22,916 --> 01:03:24,281 because you slept with everybody in New York... 1026 01:03:24,350 --> 01:03:27,581 and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. 1027 01:03:27,654 --> 01:03:31,454 Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love... 1028 01:03:31,524 --> 01:03:34,857 not the way you do it, like you're out for revenge or something. 1029 01:03:35,595 --> 01:03:37,119 Are you finished now? 1030 01:03:38,765 --> 01:03:40,323 Yes. 1031 01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:42,664 Can I say something? 1032 01:03:42,735 --> 01:03:44,168 Yes. 1033 01:03:47,173 --> 01:03:49,698 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 1034 01:04:01,020 --> 01:04:02,954 Don't say a word. 1035 01:04:07,093 --> 01:04:10,028 It's a monkey. Monkey see, monkey do. 1036 01:04:10,096 --> 01:04:12,496 - It's an ape. Going ape. - It's a baby! 1037 01:04:13,766 --> 01:04:16,030 - Planet of the Apes. - She just said it's a baby. 1038 01:04:16,102 --> 01:04:18,297 - How about planet of the dopes? - It doesn't look like a baby. 1039 01:04:18,371 --> 01:04:20,965 Bigmouth baby. Mick Jagger as a baby! 1040 01:04:21,040 --> 01:04:23,873 - Baby ape! Baby ape! - Stop with the apes, would you? 1041 01:04:23,943 --> 01:04:27,106 - Baby's breath! - Rosemary's Baby's mouth. 1042 01:04:27,180 --> 01:04:29,705 - Won't you come home, Bill Baby? - Kiss the baby. 1043 01:04:29,782 --> 01:04:34,378 - Melancholy Baby's mouth. - Baby fish mouth! Baby fish mouth! 1044 01:04:35,121 --> 01:04:37,851 - Fifteen seconds. - Baby Boom! 1045 01:04:37,924 --> 01:04:42,088 - Baby... - Draw something resembling anything. 1046 01:04:42,161 --> 01:04:45,824 - Crying baby. Kiss the baby. - Baby spitting up. Exorcist baby! 1047 01:04:47,200 --> 01:04:49,930 - Yes, sir, that's my baby! - No, sir, don't mean maybe. 1048 01:04:50,003 --> 01:04:52,972 - That's it. Time's up. - Baby talk. 1049 01:04:53,039 --> 01:04:54,386 Baby talk? What's that? That's not a saying. 1050 01:04:54,386 --> 01:04:56,411 Baby talk? What's that? That's not a saying. 1051 01:04:56,489 --> 01:04:59,754 Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation. I hear them talking. 1052 01:05:00,493 --> 01:05:05,123 Final score. Our team, 110. You guys, 60. 1053 01:05:08,434 --> 01:05:09,901 I can't draw. 1054 01:05:09,969 --> 01:05:13,871 No. That's a baby, and it's clearly talking. 1055 01:05:13,939 --> 01:05:15,873 You're wonderful. 1056 01:05:15,941 --> 01:05:17,875 All right, who wants coffee? 1057 01:05:17,943 --> 01:05:19,808 - I do, and I love you. - Do you have any tea? 1058 01:05:19,879 --> 01:05:21,813 - One tea. - Industrial strength. 1059 01:05:21,881 --> 01:05:25,373 - I'll help you. Decaf? - Yeah. 1060 01:05:28,154 --> 01:05:30,850 - Where's the bathroom? - Through that door, down the hall. 1061 01:05:37,897 --> 01:05:40,161 Never looked like a baby to me. 1062 01:05:40,232 --> 01:05:42,427 - Which part? - All of it. 1063 01:05:42,501 --> 01:05:44,560 You were gonna show me the cover off your book. 1064 01:05:44,637 --> 01:05:50,007 It's in the den. Julian, help yourself. Have more wine, whatever you like. 1065 01:05:50,075 --> 01:05:52,202 I like saying, "It's in the den." It's got a nice ring to it. 1066 01:05:52,278 --> 01:05:55,441 Emily is a little young for Harry, don't you think? 1067 01:05:55,514 --> 01:05:58,642 Well, she's young, but look what she's done. 1068 01:05:58,717 --> 01:06:01,015 What has she done? She makes desserts. 1069 01:06:01,086 --> 01:06:03,020 Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you? 1070 01:06:03,088 --> 01:06:05,556 He's a good guy. You should talk to him, get to know him. 1071 01:06:05,624 --> 01:06:07,023 He's too tall to talk to. 1072 01:06:07,092 --> 01:06:10,289 She makes 3,500 chocolate mousse pies a week. 1073 01:06:11,897 --> 01:06:13,990 Emily is "Aunt Emily"? 1074 01:06:14,066 --> 01:06:16,591 He took us all to a Met game last week. It was great. 1075 01:06:16,669 --> 01:06:21,197 - You all went to a Met game together? - Yeah, but it was a last-minute thing. 1076 01:06:21,273 --> 01:06:22,740 But Sally hates baseball. 1077 01:06:22,808 --> 01:06:27,768 - Harry doesn't even like sweets. - Julian is great. 1078 01:06:27,846 --> 01:06:29,905 I know. He's a grown-up. 1079 01:06:29,982 --> 01:06:32,109 - Emily is terrific. - Yeah. 1080 01:06:32,184 --> 01:06:34,618 Of course when I asked her where she was when Kennedy was shot... 1081 01:06:34,687 --> 01:06:37,247 she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?" 1082 01:06:49,301 --> 01:06:51,360 - Hello. - Are you alone? 1083 01:06:51,437 --> 01:06:54,998 - Yeah, I was just finishing a book. - Could you come over? 1084 01:06:55,074 --> 01:06:58,305 - What's the matter? - He's getting married. 1085 01:06:58,377 --> 01:07:01,778 - Who? - Joe. 1086 01:07:01,847 --> 01:07:03,781 I'll be right there. 1087 01:07:09,355 --> 01:07:11,220 Are you all right? 1088 01:07:13,692 --> 01:07:15,626 Come on in. 1089 01:07:18,664 --> 01:07:21,599 - I'm sorry to call you so late. - It's all right. 1090 01:07:23,002 --> 01:07:25,027 - I need a Kleenex. - Okay. 1091 01:07:27,039 --> 01:07:30,406 He just called me up, "wanted to see how you were." 1092 01:07:30,476 --> 01:07:32,876 "Fine. How are you?" "Fine." 1093 01:07:32,945 --> 01:07:36,745 His secretary is on vacation, everything's all backed up... 1094 01:07:36,815 --> 01:07:41,377 he's got a big case in Newark, blah, blah, blah. 1095 01:07:41,453 --> 01:07:44,047 And I'm sitting on the phone thinking... 1096 01:07:44,123 --> 01:07:46,057 "I'm over him. I really am over him. 1097 01:07:46,125 --> 01:07:49,720 I can't believe I was ever remotely interested in any of this." 1098 01:07:51,096 --> 01:07:54,497 And then he said, "I have some news." 1099 01:07:58,404 --> 01:08:02,636 She works in his office. She's a paralegal. Her name is Kimberly. 1100 01:08:04,543 --> 01:08:06,477 He just met her. 1101 01:08:06,545 --> 01:08:09,480 She's supposed to be his transitional person. 1102 01:08:09,548 --> 01:08:12,210 She's not supposed to be the one. 1103 01:08:17,556 --> 01:08:22,323 All this time, I've been saying that he didn't wanna get married. 1104 01:08:23,762 --> 01:08:28,893 But the truth is, he didn't wanna marry me. 1105 01:08:32,304 --> 01:08:34,238 He didn't love me. 1106 01:08:38,510 --> 01:08:41,001 If you could take him back right now, would you? 1107 01:08:45,084 --> 01:08:48,576 But why didn't he wanna marry me? 1108 01:08:48,654 --> 01:08:51,714 - What's the matter with me? - Nothing. 1109 01:08:51,790 --> 01:08:53,985 - I'm difficult. - You're challenging. 1110 01:08:54,059 --> 01:08:56,926 I'm too structured. I'm completely closed off. 1111 01:08:56,995 --> 01:08:58,587 But in a good way. 1112 01:08:58,664 --> 01:09:02,100 No. No, I drove him away. 1113 01:09:04,370 --> 01:09:06,736 And I'm gonna be 40. 1114 01:09:07,806 --> 01:09:09,364 When? 1115 01:09:09,441 --> 01:09:11,705 - Someday. - In eight years. 1116 01:09:11,777 --> 01:09:13,836 But it's there. 1117 01:09:13,912 --> 01:09:18,246 It's just sitting there like this big dead end. 1118 01:09:18,317 --> 01:09:20,945 And it's not the same for men. 1119 01:09:21,019 --> 01:09:23,954 Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73. 1120 01:09:24,022 --> 01:09:26,252 Yeah, but he was too old to pick 'em up. 1121 01:09:32,498 --> 01:09:34,762 Oh, come here. Come here. 1122 01:09:34,833 --> 01:09:36,801 It's gonna be okay. 1123 01:09:36,869 --> 01:09:39,133 It's gonna be fine. You'll see. 1124 01:09:40,539 --> 01:09:42,871 Go ahead. It's not one of my favorites anyway. 1125 01:09:45,544 --> 01:09:47,876 It's gonna be okay. Hmm? 1126 01:10:01,026 --> 01:10:05,053 - I'll make some tea. - Could you hold me a little longer? 1127 01:10:05,130 --> 01:10:07,064 Oh, sure. 1128 01:10:47,172 --> 01:10:50,005 - Are you comfortable? - Sure. 1129 01:10:56,014 --> 01:10:58,244 Do you want something to drink or something? 1130 01:10:58,317 --> 01:10:59,841 No, I'm okay. 1131 01:11:01,019 --> 01:11:04,887 Well, I'm gonna get up for some water, so it's really no trouble. 1132 01:11:04,957 --> 01:11:07,050 Okay, water. 1133 01:12:01,980 --> 01:12:05,916 You have all your videotapes alphabetized and on index cards? 1134 01:12:07,519 --> 01:12:10,613 - Thank you. - Do you wanna watch something? 1135 01:12:10,689 --> 01:12:15,092 - No, not unless you do. - No. That's okay. 1136 01:12:29,274 --> 01:12:31,606 Do you wanna go to sleep? 1137 01:12:31,677 --> 01:12:33,110 Okay. 1138 01:13:06,727 --> 01:13:09,321 Where are you going? 1139 01:13:09,396 --> 01:13:11,660 I gotta go. 1140 01:13:12,733 --> 01:13:16,100 I gotta go home, change my clothes and go to work. And so do you. 1141 01:13:16,170 --> 01:13:18,365 But after work I'd like to take you out to dinner if you're free. 1142 01:13:18,438 --> 01:13:21,134 - Are you free? - Yes. 1143 01:13:21,208 --> 01:13:22,675 Fine. I'll call you later. 1144 01:13:22,743 --> 01:13:26,372 - Fine. - Fine. 1145 01:13:44,565 --> 01:13:46,499 Yours. 1146 01:13:46,567 --> 01:13:48,501 - Hello. - I'm sorry to call so early. 1147 01:13:48,569 --> 01:13:50,662 - Are you all right? - No one I know would call at this hour. 1148 01:13:50,737 --> 01:13:52,967 - I did something terrible. - What did you do? 1149 01:13:53,040 --> 01:13:55,008 - No one I know would call at this hour. - It's so awful. 1150 01:13:55,075 --> 01:13:56,542 - I need to talk. - What happened? 1151 01:13:56,610 --> 01:13:58,043 - What's the matter? - Harry came over last night. 1152 01:13:58,111 --> 01:14:00,978 - I went to Sally's last night. - I was upset Joe was getting married. 1153 01:14:01,048 --> 01:14:03,346 - One thing led to another. - Before I knew it we were kissing. 1154 01:14:03,417 --> 01:14:05,385 - To make a long story short, we did it. - We did it. 1155 01:14:05,452 --> 01:14:08,012 - They did it. - That's great, Sally. 1156 01:14:08,088 --> 01:14:10,147 - We've been praying for you. - You should've in the first place. 1157 01:14:10,224 --> 01:14:12,818 - We've been saying you should do it. - You belong together. 1158 01:14:12,893 --> 01:14:16,385 - Like killing two birds with one stone. - It's like two wrongs make a right. 1159 01:14:16,463 --> 01:14:18,124 - How was it? - During was good. 1160 01:14:18,198 --> 01:14:19,790 - I thought it was good. - Then I felt suffocated. 1161 01:14:19,867 --> 01:14:22,233 - Then I guess it wasn't. - Jesus, I'm sorry. 1162 01:14:22,302 --> 01:14:23,826 - I had to get out of there. - He just disappeared. 1163 01:14:23,904 --> 01:14:25,599 - I feel so bad. - I'm so embarrassed. 1164 01:14:25,672 --> 01:14:26,934 - I don't blame you. - That's horrible. 1165 01:14:27,007 --> 01:14:29,100 - I'm coming down with something. - I'm catching a cold. 1166 01:14:29,176 --> 01:14:31,269 It would've been great if it worked out, but it didn't. 1167 01:14:31,345 --> 01:14:32,778 You should never go to bed with anyone... 1168 01:14:32,846 --> 01:14:34,541 when you've found out your last boyfriend is getting married. 1169 01:14:34,615 --> 01:14:35,877 - Who's that talking? - Who? 1170 01:14:35,949 --> 01:14:38,144 - Is that Jess on the phone? - Jane Fonda on the VCR. 1171 01:14:38,218 --> 01:14:40,880 - It's Bryant Gumbel. - You want to come over for breakfast? 1172 01:14:40,954 --> 01:14:43,388 - No, I'm not up to it. - No, I feel too awful. 1173 01:14:43,457 --> 01:14:46,688 - Good. I mean it's so early. - But call me later if you want. 1174 01:14:46,760 --> 01:14:48,728 - I'll call you later, okay? - Okay, bye. 1175 01:14:48,795 --> 01:14:50,524 - Bye. - Bye. 1176 01:14:52,532 --> 01:14:55,228 - God! - I know. 1177 01:14:56,436 --> 01:14:59,599 Tell me I'll never have to be out there again. 1178 01:15:02,776 --> 01:15:05,210 You will never have to be out there again. 1179 01:15:08,982 --> 01:15:11,382 I'll just say we made a mistake. 1180 01:15:12,152 --> 01:15:15,553 Sally, it was a mistake. 1181 01:15:17,291 --> 01:15:19,885 I just hope I get to say it first. 1182 01:15:20,727 --> 01:15:23,389 I hope she says it before I do. 1183 01:15:26,133 --> 01:15:27,623 It was a mistake. 1184 01:15:27,701 --> 01:15:30,135 I am so relieved that you think so too. 1185 01:15:31,705 --> 01:15:33,832 I'm not saying last night wasn't great. 1186 01:15:34,708 --> 01:15:37,768 - It was. - Yes, it was. 1187 01:15:38,812 --> 01:15:42,304 - We just never should have done it. - I couldn't agree more. 1188 01:15:42,382 --> 01:15:46,079 - I'm so relieved. - Great. 1189 01:15:46,153 --> 01:15:47,586 Yeah. 1190 01:15:50,457 --> 01:15:52,391 Two mixed green salads. 1191 01:16:21,989 --> 01:16:26,824 It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk. Hmm? 1192 01:16:30,630 --> 01:16:33,121 It's just like, most of the time, you go to bed with someone... 1193 01:16:33,200 --> 01:16:37,569 and then she tells you all her stories, you tell her your stories. 1194 01:16:37,637 --> 01:16:41,198 With Sally and me, we'd already heard each other's stories. 1195 01:16:41,274 --> 01:16:45,233 So once we went to bed, we didn't know what we were supposed to do. You know? 1196 01:16:45,312 --> 01:16:47,906 Sure, Harry. 1197 01:16:48,648 --> 01:16:50,115 I don't know. 1198 01:16:50,183 --> 01:16:52,117 Maybe you get to a certain point in a relationship... 1199 01:16:52,185 --> 01:16:54,119 where it's just too late to have sex. 1200 01:16:54,187 --> 01:16:55,620 You know? 1201 01:17:05,632 --> 01:17:08,066 Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding? 1202 01:17:08,135 --> 01:17:10,000 I don't think so. 1203 01:17:11,071 --> 01:17:13,005 Is he seeing anyone? 1204 01:17:13,073 --> 01:17:17,100 He was seeing this anthropologist, but... 1205 01:17:18,178 --> 01:17:22,342 - What did she look like? - Thin. Pretty. Big tits. 1206 01:17:22,416 --> 01:17:23,906 Your basic nightmare. 1207 01:17:28,622 --> 01:17:30,055 What do you think? 1208 01:17:31,792 --> 01:17:34,124 Oh, Marie. 1209 01:17:34,861 --> 01:17:36,726 Oh, tell the truth. 1210 01:17:38,265 --> 01:17:40,358 It's just beautiful. 1211 01:18:11,965 --> 01:18:14,024 We are gathered here today... 1212 01:18:14,101 --> 01:18:18,765 to celebrate the marriage of Marie and Jess... 1213 01:18:18,839 --> 01:18:22,036 and to consecrate their vows of matrimony. 1214 01:18:22,109 --> 01:18:25,636 The vows they will take join their lives. 1215 01:18:25,712 --> 01:18:29,978 The wine they will share binds all their hopes together. 1216 01:18:30,984 --> 01:18:35,216 And by the rings they will wear, they will be known to all... 1217 01:18:35,288 --> 01:18:38,519 as husband and wife. 1218 01:18:48,668 --> 01:18:52,604 I've never seen her so happy. She's a totally different person. 1219 01:18:52,672 --> 01:18:57,371 Oh, yeah, she is. It's great, but what are we gonna do about you? 1220 01:18:57,444 --> 01:18:59,776 - Me? - Honey, you wanna dance? 1221 01:18:59,846 --> 01:19:01,609 Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do. 1222 01:19:01,681 --> 01:19:03,114 Excuse us. 1223 01:19:12,425 --> 01:19:15,121 - Nice ceremony. - Beautiful. 1224 01:19:17,764 --> 01:19:20,198 Boy, the holidays are rough. Every year I just try... 1225 01:19:20,267 --> 01:19:23,202 to get from the day before Thanksgiving to the day after New Year's. 1226 01:19:23,270 --> 01:19:25,238 A lot of suicides. 1227 01:19:26,773 --> 01:19:28,764 Would you like a pea pod with a shrimp? 1228 01:19:28,842 --> 01:19:31,174 Thank you. 1229 01:19:31,244 --> 01:19:34,179 - How have you been? - Fine. 1230 01:19:34,247 --> 01:19:36,511 Are you seeing anybody? What? 1231 01:19:36,583 --> 01:19:38,517 - I don't want to talk about this. - Why not? 1232 01:19:38,585 --> 01:19:41,713 I don't want to talk about it. 1233 01:19:41,788 --> 01:19:46,157 Why can't we get past this? Are we gonna carry this thing around forever? 1234 01:19:46,226 --> 01:19:50,663 - Forever? It just happened. - It happened three weeks ago. 1235 01:19:50,730 --> 01:19:53,597 You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog? 1236 01:19:54,734 --> 01:19:56,599 Yes. 1237 01:19:58,471 --> 01:20:01,770 Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario? 1238 01:20:01,841 --> 01:20:04,537 - Yes. - Who is the dog? 1239 01:20:04,611 --> 01:20:06,579 - You are. - I am? 1240 01:20:06,646 --> 01:20:10,275 I am the dog? I am the dog? L... 1241 01:20:16,423 --> 01:20:19,551 I don't see that, Harry. If anybody is the dog, you are the dog. 1242 01:20:19,626 --> 01:20:21,685 You wanna act like what happened didn't mean anything. 1243 01:20:21,761 --> 01:20:24,958 I'm not saying that. I'm saying, why does it have to mean everything? 1244 01:20:25,031 --> 01:20:28,194 Because it does. And you should know that better than anybody... 1245 01:20:28,268 --> 01:20:30,463 because the minute that it happened, you walked right out the door. 1246 01:20:30,537 --> 01:20:33,404 - I didn't walk out. - No. Sprinted is more like it. 1247 01:20:33,473 --> 01:20:37,102 - We both agreed it was a mistake. - The worst mistake I ever made. 1248 01:20:39,045 --> 01:20:41,411 - What do you want from me? - I don't want anything from you! 1249 01:20:41,481 --> 01:20:43,415 Fine. But let's get one thing straight. 1250 01:20:43,483 --> 01:20:46,975 I did not go over there that night to make love to you. 1251 01:20:47,053 --> 01:20:50,045 But you looked up at me with these big, weepy eyes. "Don't go home tonight. 1252 01:20:50,123 --> 01:20:52,557 Hold me a little longer." What was I supposed to do? 1253 01:20:52,626 --> 01:20:55,322 What are you saying? You took pity on me? 1254 01:20:55,395 --> 01:20:57,329 - No, I was... - Fuck you! 1255 01:21:01,434 --> 01:21:04,665 Everybody, could I have your attention, please? 1256 01:21:04,738 --> 01:21:08,936 I'd like to propose a toast to Harry and Sally. 1257 01:21:09,009 --> 01:21:10,943 To Harry and Sally. 1258 01:21:11,011 --> 01:21:15,675 If Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive... 1259 01:21:15,749 --> 01:21:17,683 we would not be here today. 1260 01:22:04,517 --> 01:22:06,007 Hi. It's me. 1261 01:22:06,086 --> 01:22:08,520 It's the holiday season and I thought I'd remind you... 1262 01:22:08,588 --> 01:22:10,783 that this is the season of charity and forgiveness. 1263 01:22:10,857 --> 01:22:13,223 And, although it is not widely known... 1264 01:22:13,293 --> 01:22:15,591 it is also the season of groveling. 1265 01:22:15,662 --> 01:22:18,256 So if you felt like calling me back... 1266 01:22:18,331 --> 01:22:22,563 I'd be more than happy to do the traditional Christmas grovel. 1267 01:22:22,636 --> 01:22:24,570 Give me a call. 1268 01:22:40,453 --> 01:22:43,616 Hi. I'm not home right now. I'll call you right back. 1269 01:22:43,690 --> 01:22:46,625 If you're there, pick up the phone. I really wanna talk to you. 1270 01:22:50,163 --> 01:22:52,927 The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either... 1271 01:22:52,999 --> 01:22:54,933 A... not at home... 1272 01:22:55,001 --> 01:22:57,401 B... home, but don't wanna talk to me... 1273 01:22:57,470 --> 01:23:02,908 or C... home, desperately wanna talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. 1274 01:23:02,976 --> 01:23:05,706 If it's either A or C, please call me back. 1275 01:23:08,581 --> 01:23:12,608 She doesn't wanna talk to me. What do I have to do, be hit over the head? 1276 01:23:12,686 --> 01:23:14,449 She wants to call me, she'll call me. 1277 01:23:14,521 --> 01:23:16,682 I am through making a schmuck out of myself. 1278 01:23:16,756 --> 01:23:20,624 If you're feeling sad and lonely 1279 01:23:20,694 --> 01:23:23,663 There's a service I can render 1280 01:23:23,730 --> 01:23:27,029 Tell the one who digs you only 1281 01:23:27,100 --> 01:23:30,399 I can be so warm and tender 1282 01:23:30,470 --> 01:23:32,267 Call me 1283 01:23:32,339 --> 01:23:35,706 Maybe it's late to just call me 1284 01:23:35,775 --> 01:23:39,176 Don't be afraid to just phone moi 1285 01:23:39,245 --> 01:23:43,341 Call me and I'll be around 1286 01:23:43,416 --> 01:23:45,941 - Give me a call. - Hi, Harry. 1287 01:23:46,019 --> 01:23:50,422 Hello. Hi. I didn't know that you were there. 1288 01:23:50,490 --> 01:23:53,357 - What are you doing? - I was just on my way out. 1289 01:23:53,426 --> 01:23:56,224 Where are you going? 1290 01:23:56,296 --> 01:23:58,958 - What do you want, Harry? - Nothing. Nothing. 1291 01:23:59,032 --> 01:24:02,399 I just called to say I'm sorry. 1292 01:24:04,037 --> 01:24:05,470 Okay. 1293 01:24:12,979 --> 01:24:16,745 - I gotta go. - Wait a second. Wait a second. 1294 01:24:16,816 --> 01:24:19,444 What are you doing for New Year's? Are you going to the Tylers' party? 1295 01:24:19,519 --> 01:24:22,113 'Cause I don't have a date. And if you don't have a date... 1296 01:24:22,188 --> 01:24:24,349 we always said that if neither one of us had a date... 1297 01:24:24,424 --> 01:24:27,484 we could be together for New Year's. 1298 01:24:27,560 --> 01:24:32,224 I can't do this anymore. I am not your consolation prize. Good-bye. 1299 01:24:41,841 --> 01:24:44,275 And here we are, once again... 1300 01:24:44,344 --> 01:24:47,404 the 16th annual New Year's Rockin'Eve... 1301 01:24:47,480 --> 01:24:49,141 coming to you live... 1302 01:24:49,215 --> 01:24:51,183 What's so bad about this? 1303 01:24:51,251 --> 01:24:53,242 You got Dick Clark. That's tradition. 1304 01:24:53,319 --> 01:24:56,015 You got Malomars, the greatest cookie of all time. 1305 01:24:56,089 --> 01:25:00,992 And you're about to give the Knicks their first championship since 1973. 1306 01:25:18,711 --> 01:25:21,236 I don't know why I let you drag me to this. 1307 01:25:25,351 --> 01:25:29,981 This is much better. Fresh air. I have the streets all to myself. 1308 01:25:30,056 --> 01:25:33,924 Who needs to be at a big crowded party pretending to have a good time? 1309 01:25:33,993 --> 01:25:37,793 Plus this is the perfect time to catch up on my window shopping. 1310 01:25:37,864 --> 01:25:39,798 This is good. 1311 01:25:51,511 --> 01:25:54,412 So the guy says, "Read the card." 1312 01:26:04,424 --> 01:26:07,052 - I'm going home. - You'll never get a taxi. 1313 01:26:08,761 --> 01:26:09,819 Oh, God! 1314 01:26:37,657 --> 01:26:39,648 You realize that we could never be friends. 1315 01:26:39,726 --> 01:26:41,557 Why not? 1316 01:26:41,628 --> 01:26:43,562 Men and women can't be friends... 1317 01:26:43,630 --> 01:26:46,531 because the sex part always gets in the way. 1318 01:26:46,599 --> 01:26:48,066 That's not true. 1319 01:26:48,134 --> 01:26:50,568 No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. 1320 01:26:50,637 --> 01:26:52,571 He always wants to have sex with her. 1321 01:26:52,639 --> 01:26:54,834 What if they don't wanna have sex with you? 1322 01:26:54,908 --> 01:26:57,308 Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there... 1323 01:26:57,377 --> 01:27:01,438 so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story. 1324 01:27:01,514 --> 01:27:04,312 - I guess we're not gonna be friends. - Guess not. 1325 01:27:04,384 --> 01:27:09,253 It's too bad, because you were the only person that I knew in New York. 1326 01:27:56,035 --> 01:27:59,095 - I'm going. - It's almost midnight. 1327 01:27:59,172 --> 01:28:03,233 - The thought of not kissing somebody... - I'll kiss you. 1328 01:28:04,410 --> 01:28:06,503 Hey, taxi! Taxi! 1329 01:28:11,818 --> 01:28:13,649 Come on. Stay. Please. 1330 01:28:13,720 --> 01:28:16,450 Thanks, Jess. I just... I have to go. 1331 01:28:16,522 --> 01:28:19,082 - Oh, wait two minutes. - I'll call you tomorrow. 1332 01:28:59,067 --> 01:29:02,195 I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you. 1333 01:29:02,938 --> 01:29:05,702 - What? - I love you. 1334 01:29:05,774 --> 01:29:08,436 How do you expect me to respond to this? 1335 01:29:08,510 --> 01:29:12,412 - How about you love me too? - How about "I'm leaving"? 1336 01:29:12,481 --> 01:29:15,006 Doesn't what I said mean anything to you? 1337 01:29:15,083 --> 01:29:17,847 I'm sorry. I know it's New Year's Eve. 1338 01:29:17,920 --> 01:29:20,946 I know you're feeling lonely, but you can't just show up here... 1339 01:29:21,023 --> 01:29:24,151 tell me you love me and expect that to make everything all right. 1340 01:29:24,226 --> 01:29:26,353 - Three, two, one! - It doesn't work this way. 1341 01:29:26,428 --> 01:29:30,455 - Well, how does it work? - I don't know, but not this way. 1342 01:29:30,532 --> 01:29:32,056 How about this way? 1343 01:29:32,134 --> 01:29:34,762 I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. 1344 01:29:34,837 --> 01:29:37,465 I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. 1345 01:29:37,539 --> 01:29:39,666 I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose... 1346 01:29:39,741 --> 01:29:41,675 when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. 1347 01:29:41,743 --> 01:29:45,201 I love after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on me. 1348 01:29:45,280 --> 01:29:49,842 I love that you are the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep. 1349 01:29:49,918 --> 01:29:53,820 And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. 1350 01:29:53,889 --> 01:29:55,948 I came here tonight, because when you realize... 1351 01:29:56,024 --> 01:29:58,254 you wanna spend the rest of your life with somebody... 1352 01:29:58,327 --> 01:30:01,660 you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. 1353 01:30:05,133 --> 01:30:06,566 You see? 1354 01:30:07,870 --> 01:30:09,861 That is just like you. 1355 01:30:09,938 --> 01:30:14,568 You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you. 1356 01:30:15,611 --> 01:30:18,444 And I hate you, Harry. 1357 01:30:19,281 --> 01:30:21,715 I really hate you. 1358 01:30:25,320 --> 01:30:26,981 I hate you. 1359 01:30:33,929 --> 01:30:41,062 We'll take a cup of kindness yet 1360 01:30:41,136 --> 01:30:44,867 For auld lang syne 1361 01:30:44,940 --> 01:30:48,068 What does this song mean? My whole life I don't know what this song means. 1362 01:30:48,143 --> 01:30:50,270 "Should old acquaintance be forgot." 1363 01:30:50,345 --> 01:30:52,472 Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances... 1364 01:30:52,547 --> 01:30:54,538 or does it mean if we happen to forget them, we should remember them... 1365 01:30:54,616 --> 01:30:56,709 which is not possible because we already forgot 'em. 1366 01:30:56,785 --> 01:31:01,688 Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them. 1367 01:31:04,493 --> 01:31:07,462 Anyway, it's about old friends. 1368 01:31:09,431 --> 01:31:14,391 In days of auld lang syne 1369 01:31:14,469 --> 01:31:16,437 The first time we met, we hated each other. 1370 01:31:16,505 --> 01:31:19,303 No, you didn't hate me. I hated you. 1371 01:31:19,374 --> 01:31:21,740 The second time we met, you didn't even remember me. 1372 01:31:21,810 --> 01:31:24,108 I did too. I remembered you. 1373 01:31:24,179 --> 01:31:27,012 The third time we met, we became friends. 1374 01:31:27,082 --> 01:31:30,449 - We were friends for a long time. - And then we weren't. 1375 01:31:30,519 --> 01:31:32,919 And then we fell in love. 1376 01:31:32,988 --> 01:31:37,049 - Three months later, we got married. - And it only took three months. 1377 01:31:37,125 --> 01:31:41,027 - Twelve years and three months. - We had this really wonderful wedding. 1378 01:31:41,096 --> 01:31:43,496 - It really was a beautiful wedding. - It was great. 1379 01:31:43,565 --> 01:31:45,556 We had this enormous coconut cake. 1380 01:31:45,634 --> 01:31:47,932 Huge coconut cake with the tiers... 1381 01:31:48,003 --> 01:31:51,234 and there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side. 1382 01:31:51,306 --> 01:31:54,764 Right. Not everybody likes it on the cake 'cause it makes it very soggy. 1383 01:31:54,843 --> 01:31:57,209 Particularly the coconut, soaks up a lot of that sauce... 1384 01:31:57,279 --> 01:31:59,611 so it's important to keep it on the side. 1385 01:35:16,278 --> 01:35:19,304 Done by (c) dCd / January 2007