[upbeat music]
- Ready, set, go nowhere.
"AFV" is on.
♪
[laughter]
- [grunts] - [laughs]
- Ready? - Yeah.
- Welcome to "America's Funniest Home Videos."
And now here he is, the host of our show,
Alfonso Ribeiro.
- Let's do this, y'all.
[cheers and applause]
All right, hi.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yes.
Welcome to the show.
Tonight's episode is a real barn burner.
Well, that makes it sound like
we'll be burning barns, which we're not,
so let's just say it's a real humdinger.
But actually-- actually, we won't be
dinging any hums either.
You know, how about this?
Tonight's show is all that and a bag of chips,
as long as you provide the chips, OK?
Because first prize is 20 grand now.
We can't be paying for snacks too, OK?
- Easy on the turn, though.
Hold! Hold!
[both screaming]
- Someone wishes this was a one-cat house.
[cat screeches] [laughter]
- Hello.
I need directions here.
Yes.
Caldeiras, is it this way?
This way? [bell dings]
Oh, that way? OK. Thank you very much.
- What's the matter?
- I want more pancakes.
- Calvin, they're all gone.
- No!
Come on!
I just--quiet.
You stop it.
Stop. Stop.
I want more pancakes.
- They're all gone.
- I want more pancakes.
- You ate them all.
- Oh!
Come on, guys.
- She was too cheap to spring for the two-ply.
- [laughing]
- Last jump, everyone.
- All right. Rosie, let's jump.
Jump, jump, jump. - Rosie's going way out there.
- Hey!
- Yes.
Oh, my God. I busted mine, so--
- What a fancy-looking cocktail.
Be a shame if something happened to it.
- Ooh, Adrianne.
[laughs] - [screams]
- Wendy, were you in the bathroom earlier?
- Yeah, I doing my hair.
- Were you messing with my hair products in the bathroom?
- Uh-huh.
- OK.
Well, it looks like you did a real good job there.
[cheers and applause]
- Get ready to boop some snoots.
We're going to the dog park.
[dogs barking]
- You're getting very sleepy.
Sleepy.
Want to go for a walk?
You're getting very sleepy.
Feel your eyes getting heavier.
Heavier.
But then you go for a walk.
♪
- He'll be taking that pizza to go.
Well, this was a poorly-waged counterattack.
There's no way he can get that through the doggy door.
Unless he calls his branch manager.
- Oh, he closed it. Oh, sort of!
[laughs]
[laughter, applause]
- What flavor is that biscuit, Jurassic pork?
- Oh, my God.
Which one of you guys did this?
- Who got in the flour?
- Was it you?
Or was it you? [laughs]
- Yogi, what did you do?
Come on.
- OK, so this is DD's chew toy.
So you can see, she doesn't chew anything else
but this arm right here, like,
as if wanting to take it off.
I don't understand why.
DD, can you please explain that to me?
Ooh.
[laughter, applause]
- It's time for ladies' night on "AFV."
OK, not really ladies' night,
but it is nothing but ladies, ladies, ladies
for the next minute or so.
- ♪ It's a lovely day today
♪ So whatever you've got to do ♪
♪ You've got a lovely day to do it in ♪
♪ That's true
♪ And I hope whatever you've got to do ♪
♪ Is something that can be done by two ♪
♪ For I'd really like to stay ♪
♪ It's a lovely day today
- [screams]
- ♪ And whatever you've got to do ♪
♪ I'd be so happy to be doing it with you ♪
♪ But if you've got something that must be done ♪
♪ And it can only be done by one ♪
♪ There is nothing more to say ♪
♪ Except it's a lovely day for saying ♪
♪ It's a lovely day
♪
♪ Except it's a lovely day for saying ♪
♪ It's a lovely day
♪ Except it's a lovely day for saying ♪
♪ It's a lovely day
[cheers and applause]
- Do you have a funny video worth $20,000?
What are you waiting for?
Upload it to AFV.com.
[upbeat music]
- They say, if you can't spot the sucker
in the first half hour at the poker table,
then you're the sucker.
Well, in this next bonehead package,
if you can't spot the bonehead within the first ten seconds,
then you just gonna have to look harder, OK?
Because I'm not gonna call you a bonehead,
unless you send a video that proves you are.
Then I'm more than happy to. [laughter]
- All right, let's go, Richard.
- The ball is gonna go nice and straight.
- Oh!
- But he hooked the club.
- There goes the club.
The club--the club went out.
- Dad knows a lot about T-ball,
except where to stand.
- Oh!
- Ow.
- Sorry.
♪
- Half a ramp?
That's not enough to get the car down.
However, it will be enough to get his buddy down.
- [laughs] - Oh, Bill, will you ever win?
- Oh, Bill!
- Ow. - What the hell?
[dance music playing]
- That backup dancer should back up.
[dog barking]
[laughter]
Being tall is good,
except when it's not.
[upbeat music]
♪
- The sweaty guys. - The first round.
Oh, no.
[glass shattering] [laughter]
- He's taking out the trash when it's 10 degrees outside.
This makes way more sense than pants and a jacket.
- It's cold!
Ah, yeah.
I tripped.
[laughs]
I can't...
[groaning] - Seriously?
Are you OK? - Yeah.
- Just gonna stand here forever.
- They're trying to piggyback,
but it's not his back he needs to worry about.
- [grunts] - [laughing]
- What happened?
- She's hoping making videos like this
will help open some doors.
- Ah!
- It's time for Versus.
Join us as old folks on transports
with wheels that go spinny take on tiny little mammals
that are long, cute, and skinny.
[bell dings]
Tonight on Versus, Seniors on Scooters
versus Meerkats Being Weird.
The seniors are up first,
and this one gets snubbed by the pub.
The meerkats are next,
and they're ready to rock and roll.
I can't promise a runaway victory,
but I can promise a runaway scooter.
Run, scooter, run.
This meerkat refuses to be left alone,
so he pokes you in the phone.
Grandpa rides a scooter like a champ,
but he's got a little too much speed for that ramp.
This fluffy guy acts like a boss.
One wrong move, and he's down the crevasse.
Out in the hall is where geezers will fall.
Meerkats can be pushy when they show you their tushy.
Ooh, the seniors are going for the "Supermarket Sweep."
Is it enough?
And the winner is...
[bell dinging]
Seniors On Scooters.
Join us next time when the Rolling Fogies take on...
Cowboys in Port-a-Potties, on Versus.
- Where's Papa?
- Oh, there he is.
- There's nothing funny about gas prices.
Oddly enough, that's exactly what makes
this practical joke played by a daughter
on her father so very funny.
[line ringing]
- Something's wrong with my car.
- I don't know, I just put gas in it,
and it's, like, making weird noises,
and I don't know what's wrong with it.
I got the new Christmas edition gas.
It was, like, $7 a gallon.
Huh?
- I got gas-- why are you talking like that?
I got gas, and now my--
- It's the new Christmas edition gas,
the green nozzle.
- The green nozzle
that the gas stations have for Christmas.
- No, it's not.
- OK, well, I guess I put diesel in my car then,
and my car's messed up right now.
How can I fix it?
- Are you serious?
- OK, well, there's, like, smoke coming out of my exhaust.
- Well, where am I supposed to go?
- All right, I'm pulling over at the movies.
- I'm not joking.
- I didn't know it was diesel. I thought it was for--
I didn't know it was diesel.
I thought it was the new Christmas gas.
[laughter]
- It's green.
I'm getting off here. You done pissed me off.
[upbeat music]
♪
[upbeat music]
- Do you ever feel like you caused something to happen
by saying the exact opposite thing
is about to occur?
Now, I'm not saying there's such a thing as a jinx,
but the universe seems to be in payback mode
more often than you thinks.
Listen up.
It's time for Can I Quote You On That?
- Look, I know how to spin.
- No, no, no, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- No, no, no, I like this. I like this.
This feels good.
- No, stop!
You're gonna fall!
- Get off.
Look.
- Hit it.
[shattering]
- Oh, my gosh.
Oh, no.
[game ticking]
[laughter]
- Oh, this--oh, never mind.
- Oh. [llama spits]
[both scream]
- He did. Baby, that was perfect.
I'm OK.
- Ooh.
Yeah.
- Go.
- Ow! [laughter]
- Pets, we love those little bundles of fur,
but sometimes, let's face it,
they can be real pains in the tush.
So join us for something we call
When Pets Become Pests.
[quirky music]
- Thinking about it.
You're thinking about it, huh?
- What did you do to Daddy's pillow?
Huh?
Let's see. Let's go over here.
I'm going to turn the light on.
Hmm.
- She's happier than a pig
in a giant mess she just created.
- Was that you?
[pig snorting]
- Oh, really?
- He's a parrot and a stool pigeon.
[parrot squawks]
- Oh, and you told him to go away?
[squawks]
Oh, OK.
[squawks]
Oh, the other bird was being bad?
- Oh, I see. OK.
- Follow after me
- Those chickens belong in the coop.
And what rhymes with coop?
- Oh, eww!
- Bruno knows he's not supposed to be on the couch.
Mom didn't say anything about not eating the couch.
- Bruno.
Bruno!
Stop.
Stop it now.
Stop.
- Stop it.
Come on.
Oh, I gotta play. It's time to play.
Let me go seven.
- Cats are keen hunters.
- All right. - And sore losers.
- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6--ahh!
7.
- Being a social media influencer
can be extremely lucrative.
Just know that you're competing against hundreds of thousands
of other talented influencers,
so the odds are stacked against you.
But if you just, you know, want to get on TV,
you're not that great, yeah, I like your chances.
I really do.
- I'm going to be-- what's up, guys?
I'm going to be making banana bread.
So first, you're going to need a smasher
and bananas and a bowl.
So let's get mashing.
A little hard because...
I think I was supposed to take the skin out.
- My name is Jackson. [laughter]
- So... [goose honks]
As you can see... [goose honking]
I can't get a word in. [goose honking]
- It's hard to be an influencer
when your goose won't let you get a word in edgewise.
[goose honking]
- This is--this is--
this is my life, see? [goose honks]
- Hello.
- Here's why you don't do your vlog
right after you've eaten a burrito.
[farting repeatedly]
[laughter and applause]
The weather in my head right now is partly genius
with a chance of brainstorms.
Time to drink in exactly what I'm thinking.
It's Here's A Thought.
[mysterious music]
Here's a thought.
When your wife is using her foot to open a door,
get off your butt and help.
Parenting advice-- if you're thinking
of drinking a milkshake without sharing, don't.
[baby cooing]
- [chuckles]
- Life pro tip--learn to enjoy your burger without condiments
so the rest of us can have some.
[indistinct chatter]
- [laughs] Are you videoing her?
- Yeah.
Lesson I've learned-- if your crazy uncle Harvey
asks to borrow your Styrofoam glider, say no.
- Yes!
Yes! Yes!
[upbeat music]
♪
- These days, there are so many shows on so many channels
and streaming services that "AFV" is one of the few
so-called watercooler shows we have left.
Of course, knowing "AFV" fans, there's a good chance
someone will accidentally knock over the watercooler
and completely soak everyone in the kitchen.
[laughter]
Why am I saying that like it's a bad thing?
What am I, new?
Whatever virtual world he's in doesn't have little kids.
- Oh! [laughter]
- It's him! I found him!
- The great thing about being obsessed with the garbage man
is you can get excited every garbage day.
- Here he comes. Here he comes.
There he is!
Garbage man right there!
He's doing it today!
The lid opened!
Yay!
He's doing it!
[dog barks]
- The only way this egg is going to stare--
stay on each other's head is by your thought to him, OK,
and your thought to her.
Concentrate. Ready?
- Stare at that egg, Kate,
and say, "Don't fall, don't fall."
- Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't fall.
- In your head. - No, you don't say it.
Ready? Ready?
This egg will not fall off your head.
Do you believe it?
- Yeah.
- Good. [laughter]
[dog bellowing]
- If only the string were a little bit longer
or he was a little better at geometry.
[dog bellowing]
- Are you ready to get out of the pool?
- No. - Is it cold?
- No. Avery, is it cold?
- Uh-uh.
- Is it warm? - Yeah.
I just chatter my teeth.
And my lips are blue 'cause I just--
- I touchdown! - Your lips--
- Because I watch today.
- Oh. So your lips are blue
because you did something else today?
- Yeah. - Auntie. My mermaid Gracie.
- [laughs] Is it cold?
- Uh-uh. - No.
- Then why are you guys shaking?
- Because you're excited. [laughs]
- Yeah. - Oh.
OK, Josie, are you excited?
[laughs]
- No! No! No! No! No!
- Oh, just give him the bucket.
- No! - Drive!
[shrieks]
- Hey, Alfonso!
both: Hey, Alfonso, we want more videos
of people falling down.
[mock screaming]
- OK, Gia and Livi, you want more falling videos?
Sure.
Yeah, I was--I was going to do a whole, like, thing
where I did, like, a big pratfall
and hit the floor and--
but then I thought, yeah, I'm in a really nice suit.
And I'm 50--plus.
Honey, I've got dinner.
- [gasps]
[child giggling]
- I did, like, a belly flop.
Ow.
- I'm not saying stuff like this has an age limit,
but I might as well.
- There goes Papa. - Ooh.
- Oh, my God, Papa!
[laughs]
- I'm not sure what he's trying to do,
but I'm pretty sure it wasn't this.
[clanging]
Dad stands up, dog moves Dad's chair.
- Ah!
- Does this count as falling up or falling down?
- [groaning] - You OK?
- Yeah, I'm OK. Thank you.
[quirky music]
- Let's play a little game called Klutz Roulette.
Who do you think is going down?
- We're leaving.
- Close.
- Oh, God, no! [grunting]
- We have a winner!
- [laughs]
- Or a loser.
The other day, my wife said, "That person is not
the brightest tool in the shed,"
instead of sharpest tool in the shed.
You know what I said to her?
Nothing. OK?
Because I've been married for a while
and I know when to keep my big mouth shut, OK?
So here are some people.
Some are bright, some are sharp,
but none of them are in a shed.
[upbeat music]
♪
She does not want you snacking between meals.
- Oh, my gosh.
- What was that?
Why'd you do that?
- [laughs] Oh, my gosh.
I was aiming for your legs.
Oh, my gosh.
- He bought that thing.
He can do whatever he wants with it.
- Grayson, will you pour some tea before you go, please?
- Nope.
[laughter]
- Go. Go get it.
[chuckles]
This way, Beau. Over here.
I know you can't see. Wrong way.
Wrong way, Beau. [laughs]
Beau, this way. Over here.
- It's a frisbee and a blindfold.
[laughter]
- He can't see.
Beau, over here.
Over here, Beau.
- Hands up here.
And then when I-- [laughs]
- Did you know men and women have
a different center of gravity?
[chuckles] She did.
- Now both at the same time. - Same time?
- Yeah. One...
[laughter]
[children shrieking]
- [roars]
- This is a party these kids will never forget,
even after 20 years of therapy.
[shrieking continues]
[child laughing]
- The game ends when somebody falls.
- [laughs] - We'll call it a tie.
There's a great prank where you wake someone up,
tell them they have a phone call,
and then hand them something they think is a phone.
It's like the "AFV" version of call waiting
because the victim keeps waiting
for the object to turn into something
they can actually take a call on.
[laughs] It's my shoe.
- It's your mom. Here's the phone.
- Mom?
What do you want?
- Telephone.
- Hello?
Hello?
- Hey, your dad's calling.
Your dad's calling. Here.
Say, hello.
- Dad?
- Dad--Dad, phone's for you.
Phone. - Hello? Hello?
- Nana, say, hello.
- Huh? - Hello.
- Hello.
- Answer it.
Logan's on the phone.
- Hey.
- Oh.
[laughter]
- No, that's not why. - Huh?
- Look at your phone.
[laughter]
[applause]
- Got a funny video?
Upload it to AFV.com.
[applause]
[upbeat music]
- Those amazing face filters on your phone
can turn you into a potato, a taco, an old man,
a piece of pizza, or a corn flake.
The fact that I used food for the examples
means I must be hungry.
The fact that I listed old man as one of those foods
means I'm dangerously hungry.
Yo, crafty!
[laughter]
- Meh, I'm a president
on the cash.
- Do you know Benjamin Franklin's
not really a president?
- What? [laughter]
- [shrieking]
- [laughing]
- Arf, arf.
Arf. Arf, arf, arf.
Bar, bar, bar.
- So today, it's a good day.
Other than my clothes not fitting right,
I woke up with a whole dollar bill under my pillow
because I'm missing my teeth.
That's so cool.
I got money.
Hey, Michael, did you get any money for missing your hair?
- My hair is gone?
- Oh, my gosh, is that a toilet?
- [laughs]
- [laughing] Shelly.
Shelly, look.
Shelly?
[laughter]
Ooh!
[exciting music]
- You know what the world needs now?
A kitten doing squats.
[swing music]
♪
I hope you've enjoyed a kitten doing squats.
[applause]
Oh, look.
I ran out of soap in the shower,
so I borrowed my wife's body wash
and now I smell like cinnamon and vanilla.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No big deal.
But every time a crew member
gets within 10 feet of me, they go--
[sniffs]
"Are those cinnamon raisin cookies?"
Nope, just me, good old cookie scented me.
So watch this while I run a quick errand,
because if I don't get this crew some cookies,
they gonna riot.
- Uh-oh, I left the drawers open.
[upbeat music]
I left the drawers open.
- He's not wearing drawers,
but he sure knows how to close 'em.
- Here.
Over here. I left these open.
Here.
All right.
[both retching]
- If this is their impression of pregnancy,
something tells me Mom is not having the easiest trimester.
- What are you guys doing?
- Throwing up because-- - Why?
- Because we have babies.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
That's not fun.
- For pretend though.
- Oh.
- Blah!
- He's got a mouse in the house,
but at least he handles it well.
- [shrieking]
- All right, Bailey. - You've got this.
- Great bowlers come in all shapes and sizes...
- All right. All right. Looking good.
- Eventually.
- Oh. Oh. Oh.
- Little more.
- Oh, Bailey.
- Keep going.
- What? Ah!
- Nice!
- [laughs] You got a strike.
- Sea-Doo you later.
Some kids you have to drag to the store.
This kid you have to drag at the store.
- Ah!
Ow.
Darn it.
- Oh, wow.
That's upsetting.
There's only one thing you can do now.
Take it all out on an inanimate object.
[fan motor whirring]
Hours of setup...
- Oh, my perfection, Lacy.
- Skill, engineering.
They planned on everything,
except how Whiskers would react.
- No! - No! No!
- No! - No!
- No. Wait. Wait. No way! No way!
- Yeah, boy!
[all yelling]
- Nearly every great magician has a lovely assistant.
Well, when it comes to getting great magic videos,
I have over 300 million lovely assistants right here
in the good old U. S. of "Hey, how'd you do that?"
That's why mind-blowing magic is
tonight's Assignment America.
Need some examples?
Well, abracadabra, here they are.
- And we all gotta close our eyes.
Abra...
cadabra.
[gasps]
[mysterious music]
♪
- How did you do that?
- Here we go.
Ready? [sniffs]
- Look, Maddie. - Maddie?
Achoo!
- [laughs]
- You'll get it this time.
- I hope so. - All right.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
[clattering]
[laughter]
- Well, there's nothing up my sleeve,
but I am wearing this sweet sports coat,
so you'll just have to trust me on that.
Jess, tell them more.
- Whether it's an incredible trick
that fills them with wonder or a botched illusion
that becomes a hilarious blunder,
we want your magic videos.
Your wizardry might even make $20,000 or $100,000
magically appear in your bank account.
Just upload the video to AFV.com.
For full contest rules, log on to AFV.com.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, we'll have magic videos
sent in by you.
[upbeat music]
- This show was so good it deserves a sequel,
but first, let's praise some videos that have no equal.
So let's meet our finalists.
First up, breakfast is over.
It must have been yummy, because this little guy
is demanding more food for his tummy.
It's Aches for Pancakes sent in by Mallory Schmitz
from Westfield, Indiana.
[applause]
- I want more pancakes.
- Calvin, they're all gone.
- No!
Come on.
I want more pancakes.
- They're all gone.
- I want more pancakes.
- You ate 'em all.
- Oh!
Come on.
- Joining us are Mallory, Paul, Calvin, and Benjamin.
Now, this video was shot a few years ago,
and Calvin, you're a little older now.
Now here's the question.
How do you feel about pancakes now?
- I think I feel like I really want more, like--
- You want more pancakes?
Well, I love me some pancakes, so I feel you.
Listen, I get grumpy when I don't have anything
to pour my maple syrup on, OK?
- Thank you. both: Thank you.
- Good luck.
Next, when a cute little doggy has one leg too few,
she remakes all her toys so they're three-legged too.
It's Twin Tripods sent in by Rita Torres
from Odessa, Texas.
[applause]
- OK, so this is DD's chew toy.
- You don't have to stop.
- As you can see, she doesn't chew anything else
but this arm right here, like, as if wanting to take it off.
I don't understand why.
DD, can you please explain that to me?
Ooh.
[applause]
- Joining us are Rita, Lewis, Anthony, and DD.
Now, Rita, was this a one-time occurrence
or does DD de-leg all of her toys?
- She does all of her toys the same.
- I love that.
Like, she has such self-awareness.
It's beautiful. - Yes.
- That's adorable.
Good luck, guys.
- Thank you. - All right.
And finally, car trouble's expensive,
and that's just one reason to pull this practical joke
during Christmas season.
It's Daddy-Daughter Diesel Prank,
sent in by Madison Boswell from Ronceverte, West Virginia.
- I got gas and now my--
- [laughs] It's the new Christmas edition gas,
the green nozzle.
- The green nozzle that the gas stations have for Christmas.
- Joining us are Madison, Joey, Taylor, and Roxana.
Now, Joey, when you found out this was a joke
and Madison did not really put diesel into her car,
how did you react?
- I didn't speak with her for a few hours.
- Well, you know, I get that too.
That is awesome.
I love the fact that Joe didn't talk about it.
And, Madison, listen-- just so you know--
if you're thinking about putting 4th of July gas
in your car this summer, don't, OK?
[laughter]
All right, guys. Good luck. Good luck.
All right, we're going to find out who takes home
the cash in just a minute.
But first, let's take a look at some
of the clips that didn't make our top three
in tonight's Honorable Mention.
[epic music]
♪
[laughter]
- [yelping]
[explosion]
- [yelping]
[applause]
[upbeat music]
OK, it's time to hand out tonight's prizes--
$20,000 for first, $6,000 for second,
and $4,000 for third.
Here we go.
Our third place, $4,000 winner is
Twin Tripod,
sent in by Rita Torres from Odessa, Texas.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
And the winner of the $20,000,
and tonight's Funniest Home Video is
Daddy-Daughter Diesel Prank,
sent in by Madison Boswell from Ronceverte, West Virginia.
We've got Madison, Joey, Taylor, and Roxana.
Wow, congratulations!
Now, the thing the audience didn't see
is that we had to cut out a lot of Joey's profanity, OK?
Now, Madison, what was going through your mind
when your dad started cussing at you,
thinking you had ruined the car?
- Well, he cusses, but not normally that much.
That's why I asked him why he was talking the way he was.
- Dad, you don't talk like that all the time?
You good with the mouth?
You don't really curse that much, right?
- That's right. [laughter]
- That's your story and you're sticking to it.
- Amen. [laughter]
- Well, you won $20,000, which is probably almost enough
to fill a car with diesel these days.
Yeah.
Congratulations.
You got $20,000 and a shot at $100,000.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
Well, that's our show. What'd you think?
Suggestions are welcome but never read.
We'll see you next time, and don't forget,
if you upload a video and it airs on the show,
we'll send you an "AFV" T-shirt.
So good night, everybody, and remember,
send your video to me, you might win 20 G's.
[cheers and applause]
♪