Ribeiro: Here's a taste of tonight's "AFV."
It's calorie-free but full of laughs.
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
Woman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
♪♪
Welcome to "America's Funniest Home Videos."
And now, here he is, the host of our show...
Alfonso Ribeiro!
Wooo! Come on y'all!
Let's go!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Hello and welcome!
I'm Alfonso Ribeiro and I will be your host.
Or maybe your "AFV" MC... right here on ABC TV.
TMI? LOL!
Now let's get to the videos, ASAP!
When it comes to physical comedy,
this mailman really delivers.
♪♪
Ahh!
[ Dog barks ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
Ribeiro: Man, this guy's lucky.
Not just because she says yes,
but because he didn't drop the ring.
♪♪
Finally!
Man: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Ribeiro: Maybe you should look up before you crank up...
the snow blower.
Ow!
Ow! Ow... Ow... [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Protecting his PB&J from his little brother is no problem.
It's the accomplice he needs to watch out for.
♪♪
Oh.
♪♪
He thought he had a much longer driveway.
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
Her runaway convertible is about to be converted
into an insurance claim.
♪♪
[ Crunches ]
[ Horn blaring ]
♪♪
Dogs add so much to our lives,
and all we have to do is feed them, house them,
pay for their medical bills, play with them,
give them treats, pick up their poo --
Hey, wait a minute...
I'm starting to think that in this relationship,
humans may be getting the short end of the stick --
a stick they're gonna want us to toss so they can go fetch.
Release the hounds!
It's time to go to the Dog Park.
[ Barking ]
That dog is so happy to see him, he is over the moon!
Woman: Dad? Oh!
[ Child laughing ]
♪♪
She's frustrated they haven't cut the cord yet.
[ Clattering ]
What did you pull down?
Oh, my God.
[ Barks ]
Ah! The TV! He knocked down the TV!
[ Squeaking ]
That is one multi-tasking mutt.
[ Squeaks ]
Woman: Get it!
Getting that stick in the house is a tough job.
If only he had a man on the inside.
Man: Can you figure it out?
♪♪
Looks like someone's jealous of Millie's new sweater.
[ Laughs ]
I don't know if this store's customer service is good,
but it is adorable.
♪♪
This was so close to a good idea.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
♪♪
As you may know,
fancy-schmancy hotels have this thing called a "lazy river."
It's really just a big, twisty pool,
but they call it a lazy river
'cause you just sit there and float around it in a tube.
Yawn.
Nature makes way cooler rivers,
and they don't let you be lazy when you're in 'em
or anywhere near 'em.
♪ Feels good, about time
♪ Blue skies ahead of me and behind me ♪
♪ Got the wind in my hair
♪ Got nowhere to go, so I'm already there ♪
♪ Maybe Moab, maybe the Rockies ♪
♪ Maybe the Great Salt Lake or the hills of Kentucky ♪
♪ Maybe north, maybe south
♪ I don't care as long as it's out ♪
♪ So long, four wheels turning
♪ Got a tank full of gas, down the road, I'm burning ♪
♪ Can't say I would and I can't say I wouldn't ♪
♪ If I don't come back, don't come looking ♪
♪♪
♪ So long, four wheels turning
♪ Got a tank full of gas, down the road, I'm burning ♪
♪ Can't say I would and I can't say I wouldn't ♪
♪ If I don't come back, don't come looking ♪
♪ So long, four wheels turning
♪ Got a tank full of gas, down the road, I'm burning ♪ [ Screams ]
♪ Can't say I would and I can't say I wouldn't ♪
♪ If I don't come back, don't come looking ♪
[ Screams ]
Do you have a funny video worth $20,000?
What are you waiting for? Upload it to AFV.com.
♪♪
If today's kids think something is just okay,
they'll say it's "mid."
Like, not great, not bad, just in the middle.
"How was it?" "It was mid."
Well, at "AFV," we screen tons of videos
and filter out anything mid.
The "mid-eos," if you will.
You won't? Okay.
Well, here are some clips that are much more than mid.
Woman: Here we go!
I know you can! You can!
I can! I can! I can! I can!
I can!
[ Crashing ]
She thought she could, and she did. Man: You did it.
You ran over Mom.
Boy: He likes me.
Man: He's trying to do it too.
No, don't take the whole bucket.
Camels are known for lots of things.
Taking direction is not one of them.
No, buddy!
[ Laughing ]
Ahh, dude.
He totally knew what he was doing.
I, too, would have thought that tying your dog to the thing
that looks like it's holding up the house
would have been enough.
[ Barks ] Oh, my God!
Carol, why is there a date on the socks?
You're never too old to learn...
Carol: Let's see. What does this mean?
...that socks come in different sizes.
What's the date for?
It says "Little Me, 12 to 24 months."
Oh! I thought it was a date.
That ain't the date she was born.
I was wondering why there was a date on them.
It's not summer and this isn't the beach,
but he's not gonna let that stop him.
[ Cheering ]
Woman: Oh!
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
If you can't make it to the rodeo, just create your own.
♪♪
America, did you ever get the feeling you're being ripped off?
Not just by scam artists and politicians,
but by a group you've never even suspected.
That's right, I'm talking about...
animals.
That's right. Don't believe me?
Watch and learn as I blow the lid off this thing on...
[Voice distorter] Alfonso's Conspiracy Corner.
[ Warbling ]
♪♪
It started out simple, stealing a wallet or two...
Then a purse here, a handbag there...
Next thing you knew,
they had moved on to stealing smartphones.
Wake up, sheeple.
It's as plain as the beak on an ostrich's face.
Soon, they were stealing fashion accessories,
anything they could hawk on the black market.
This is worldwide, baby.
Sporting equipment,
cleaning supplies.
Then they got really brazen,
taking packages right from your porch.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Soon it spread from the wild to our beloved house pets.
They went from stealing our hearts to stealing our money!
The evidence is there. They're robbing us blind!
So lock up your household appliances.
This won't stop until they drive away with everything you own.
Do your own research!
Don't trust the media.
Alfonso's Conspiracy Corner.
[ Warbling ]
Abraham Lincoln believed in
a government of the people, by the people, for the people.
At "AFV," we make a show featuring kids,
that can be enjoyed by kids,
and is produced by people who behave like kids.
I'm just kid-ding.
♪♪
He's doing an experiment...
to see how much of a mess he can make.
Mommy! Help me!
Can you say the letter "W"?
Double me. No.
"W." Double me.
No. No, no, no.
The letter is called "W." Double me.
No. [ Laughs ]
This banana pudding has her puddin' on her best
"happy dance" moves.
♪♪
You have to be gentle and set it right there.
Football isn't the only game
where you can be penalized for excessive celebration.
Gimme five.
[ Exclaiming ]
Woman: What are you asking?
Does Hulk have man-boobs?
Yeah.
Um, I think they're called "pecs."
No.
What are they called? I don't know.
They're called pecs, muscles.
They're called man-boobs.
Oh.
Sit. Stay.
For you. Sit. Stay.
For you.
And one for you.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks,
but you can teach a young girl dog tricks.
Woman: Going to get back in line on the other side.
Sit down. Stay.
One for you.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, man. Ohh. Woman: Oh.
Sadly, there isn't an app for that.
It's dead? Yeah.
Have to charge it. We have to charge it?
Dead. That's dead.
We have to turn it on. We have to turn it on?
Woman: There. Now she's sitting.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no!
She should be getting mad at whoever
didn't put a seatbelt in this toy.
♪♪
When I turned 30,
I thought about stuff I did in my 20s and thought,
"Boy, was I an idiot."
When I turned 40,
I thought about stuff I did in my 30s and thought,
"Boy, was I an idiot!"
Then I turned 50...
then I realized, I might just be an idiot.
But I'm not the only one.
He thinks he's good enough to aim it
between the slats of the fence.
[ Clangs, glass shatters ]
He is not.
♪♪
[ Laughs ] Oh, my --
♪♪
Whether or not you think soccer is boring,
soccer gender reveals definitely are not.
Ahh!
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Woman: Then we got you this.
She should resist trying to demonstrate
how to use that resistance band.
This would be resistant on my knee.
I'm holding up this part -- [ Snapping ]
Oh, it hit me.
That was right in the lips!
Don't try that.
Oh, my God, I bet you it's on camera.
♪♪
Trying to break up the ice with a pogo stick?
My kinda guy!
♪♪
[ Laughs ] I know you guys saw that.
Ohhh...
Please tell me the cameras are off.
♪♪
To be fair, he was a lot smaller the last time
he got his neighbors' mail.
I'm an idiot.
Oh, boy.
How did I get this in here?
Man: I got it. I got it. I got it.
When you try to jump your buddy on a tube, nobody wins.
♪♪
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.
Woman: I dropped my flour container.
Luna. Leave it alone.
Baking with flour isn't this mom's superpower.
♪♪
[ Sighs, slaps leg ]
Here we go. [ Barks ]
♪♪
There's an old expression that goes,
"If you build a better mousetrap,
the world will beat a path to your door.
But if your mousetrap is that great,
I don't know why they wouldn't just order it online."
The point is, it's good
when someone figures out a better way to do things.
Why you doin' it weird?
There's got to be a better way.
There's got to be a better way
to tell your mom you don't care for her lamp.
♪♪
[ Crashing ]
[ Woman laughs ]
Oh, no.
There's got to be a better way
to keep Linda busy until the conference begins.
Ohhh...
Oh. Oh!
Oh, my Lord.
[ Laughs ]
There's got to be a better way
to work on improving your flexibility.
Oh! Oh!
Woman: Oh, no! No. No.
There's got to be a better way
to welcome customers to your tire shop.
Man: Alright, now.
[ Roaring ]
[ Crashing ]
No way!
That's the end of...
[ Applause ]
I think people forgot how to act in movie theaters.
The last time I went,
the guy in front of me texted the whole movie,
the people behind me wouldn't stop talking,
and this lady's phone rang.
Then she answered it and had a full-on conversation.
Aren't you glad you can watch "AFV"
from the comfort of your couch?
Unless your family's annoying,
in which case, please don't take them to my movie theater.
Woman: Oh, look, how cute. Look at...
Those are some well-behaved goats.
[ Bleats ] Ahh!
Wish I could say the same for the sheep.
The definition of inertia as it relates to snow...
a brother in motion tends to stay in motion
until acted upon by a stationary vehicle.
Woman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh. [ Laughs ]
It's totally dark in that room,
but that camera has night vision.
Mom does not.
♪♪
They said you remind them of an owl.
Who?
Is this a joke?
[ Laughing ] They said you remind them of an owl.
Who?
The question isn't who, the question is how...
does she fall for this?
You remind them of an owl.
Remind who? I don't get it.
They said you remind them of an owl.
Me? Yes.
I look like an owl?
No, they said you remind them of an owl.
What's the difference?!
They said it.
Said... Who?
[ Laughing ]
Oh, my God.
Woman: Are you playing hide and seek with Pop?
Yeah. Any idea where he is?
Yeah?
You have an idea where he is?
Where do you think he is?
♪♪
You're not really sure where he is?
You're going to look in the closet?
Just goes to show that not every kid is a born hide-and-seeker.
Any idea where Pop could be?
He's a good hider, isn't Pop?
If she can't find Grandpa, maybe she should turn on the light.
I don't know where he could be.
[ Laughs ]
Wait a minute.
That's not a light.
Tag, you're it!
♪♪
It was nice of him to pick up lunch for the family.
I don't know if the three large sodas were the best idea.
Whoa!
Ohh...
♪♪
I'm glad time travel doesn't exist.
Not because it could help evil villains take over the world,
which I guess would be bad,
but because it would be too confusing.
Somebody might say,
"Long ago in the distant future,
it will be the last time we spoke since tomorrow past,"
when they really just mean "last Tuesday."
Forget time travel, I just want funny videos.
Not in the past or the future, but right now.
This guy doesn't let anyone near his grill --
not even to help him carry it down a flight of rickety stairs.
Oh.
Ohh!
♪♪
She's trying to get her bed looking perfect
for a photo shoot.
Her husband is more interested in getting a good video.
♪♪
Woman: No! David!
I didn't even get a picture yet.
This kid better start saving up
for the greatest Mother's Day present
the world has ever known.
Papa! Papa!
[ Giggling ]
I am. I really am.
[ Gasps ]
♪♪
Woman: Oh, my God.
Here's a switch --
the one that gets tossed back is the fisherman.
[ Gasps ] Oh!
♪♪
[ Doorbell rings ]
Do not do again. Do not touch it again.
Okay.
Woman: For right now but if you'd like --
Sometimes, to get what you want,
you gotta pound the pavement and do some cold-calling.
Okay! We were just riding our bike.
We just wanted to tell you something.
Yeah. We want somebody to play with us.
Do you have any girls?
Or like, five-years-olds?
Or like a big kid like me? I'm five years old.
And me too.
And here's Ashley over here with me,
and I'm Zoey. And Aria's in home.
Yeah, Aria's at home watching TV.
♪♪
And now, a real do-it-yourself-er
who changes her own oil for the first time...
and possibly the last time.
No, make that definitely the last time.
♪♪
It's going to come out slowly.
Man: You can open it more.
Just hold it, don't let it pop out with your hand,
'cause it will shoot out.
♪♪
I'm stopping it from --
[ Laughs ]
Where's a rag? Ah!
It's spilling, Gene!
Where's a rag? I thought you had a rag.
I can't get it now. I can't get it.
Thought you had all that.
I don't even know if it's --
Is that --
[ Laughs ] [ Laughs ]
Oh, my God! [ Laughs ]
Oh, my...
[ Both laugh ]
Let me get out. Let me...
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, my God, I got that on video.
Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh, look what you did.
Look at you, dear.
[ Laughing ]
That's disg-- [ Spitting ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God.
♪♪
Weddings --
they're supposed to be the perfect day
you've always dreamed of.
That's why when things go wrong,
they're even funnier than when things go wrong on days
that you don't really expect much from.
♪♪
Well, if you can't marry your best friend,
at least have him walk you down the aisle.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
I promise to love you.
And to be faithful to you.
[ Crowd laughs ]
Okay.
Um.
I can't repeat that.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. Not only for today?
And to give up my gaming lifestyle,
only for today.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: Just because it's your wedding day
doesn't mean everything is going to go perfectly --
but sometimes it does.
Oh!
Opa!
[ Crowd clamors ]
♪♪
[ Screams ]
Great.
It's not like they have some seven-foot-tall guy
who could just...
Oh. I stand corrected.
[ Cheering ]
♪♪
He got it!
Officiant: You may kiss your wife, my friend.
Ribeiro: Some say the key to a good marriage is laughter.
So I guess couples with poor balance have the best marriages?
Oh!
♪♪
[ Both laugh ]
♪♪
He's been playing this trick on him for 52 years,
and he still can't figure it out.
One. Two. Three.
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
We all know that guy who likes to say,
"Working hard or hardly working?"
and then he laughs at his own joke because,
well, no one else is going to.
So here is a workplace montage
that someone either worked hard on or hardly worked on.
I don't know, I don't keep tabs on people.
♪♪
Whoa!
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Hut, hut, hut!
♪♪
Got a funny video? Upload it to AFV.com.
♪♪
I love a good surprise.
Not a "finding a fingernail in my mashed potatoes" type
of surprise, but the kind of surprise
where something unexpected happens in a video.
So, be on high alert
because you're about to see stuff come from out of nowhere.
[ Roars ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: Somebody doesn't like
that the elk are getting all the attention.
Man: 'Cause I got a buff-- [ Screams ]
♪♪
[ Barking ]
Happens every garbage day.
♪♪
Riding with the window down after a snow storm?
I'm at "sympathy level zero" on this one.
♪♪
[ Woman screams ]
Oh, my God! No!
Oh, my God. No.
Woman: I'm seriously afraid.
Hmm...
What's that bird whose beak holds more than his belly can?
Ahh!
[ Laughter ]
Dogs love running on snow.
Ooh!
Ice is another story. Aww.
Whoa!
And you thought your upstairs neighbors were annoying.
♪♪
[ Knock on door ]
If they didn't have a doorbell cam,
no one would have believed her.
♪♪
[ Screams ]
♪♪
Ohhh...
♪♪
Children: Hey, Alfonso!
Hey, Alfonso!
We want more dog videos!
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, Dylan and Isla, you want dog videos?
Well, how about giving a big hand to these dogs
with human hands?
We salute...
dogs with human hands.
Man: Murphy.
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Woman: Cereal...
♪♪
Boy: Now, right. Move your hand.
Woman: Can you deal the cards, Tundra?
It's your turn to deal.
Woman: Let's play video games.
♪♪
You know what the world needs now?
Charlie, one piece.
You don't want to knock them all out.
Charlie!
[ Cackling ]
I hope you've enjoyed...
♪♪
Have you ever gotten together with an old friend
you haven't seen in a while,
and they remind you of something funny you said
that you don't even remember?
It's kind of cool, because you end up laughing at something
you did years ago.
Well, here are some other people to make you laugh
who also might not remember doing the funny thing
that they did, but which they did, in fact, do.
The whipped cream challenge is challenging enough
without doing it on a rug.
[ Screams ]
Dinner has a different vibe when Mom goes out for girls' night.
[ Clattering ]
[ Screams ]
♪♪
Hss-ss-ss-ss.
I hope he knows this raccoon and didn't just find him in his bed.
Hss-ss-ss-ss.
♪♪
If my gardener were this jumpy, I'd never stop doing this.
[ Car horn honks ]
♪♪
One, two, three...
everyone say "Caroline's pregnant!"
Caroline's pregnant!
What?
No, she's not. What?
Caroline's pregnant?
No, she's not. Caroline's pregnant.
What? Are you?
Are you? Are you? Are you?
Oh, my God!
Woman: That's a hole in the curtain, Odie.
Come on, get out of there.
Thanks to Odie, it's curtains for these curtains.
Odie...
My least favorite yoga position, downward peeing goat.
Oh, my God! He peed on her!
Ew. Ew!
Ew. Get it off me!
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
50 years ago, if you asked your dog to speak,
all he had to do was bark and he was a good boy.
Nowadays, when we ask our dogs to speak, they speak,
with real words!
Well, talking dogs aren't just amazing and adorable,
they're also tonight's "Assignment America."
Need to see some talking dogs in action?
Yeah, you do.
[ Yowling ] I love you.
Woman: I love you.
[ Yowling ] I love you.
Archer. [ Yowling ] I love you.
[ Whines ]
Woman: Say "mama."
Ma-ma-ma-ma. Ma-ma-ma-ma.
Good dog.
Man: Michelle, where do you live?
Aurora.
Zeus, where does Michelle live?
Au-ro-ro-ra.
[ Laughs ]
And you can see why we want more of those, right?
[ Chuckles ] Jess, tell 'em how it's done.
Thanks, Alfonso!
Do you have a talkative terrier?
A loquacious labradoodle?
Well, we wanna see what they have to say!
Your speaking spaniel could win you $20,000
or even 100 grand.
Just upload the video to AFV.com.
For full contest rules, log on to AFV.com.
If you have a dog with something to say,
send your video in without further delay!
♪♪
We've had a blast, but it's not all fun and games.
Time to see who has earned extra fortune and fame.
Let's meet our finalists...
First up, when the doorbell rings,
it's salesmen I'm fearing,
but when it's little girls looking for friends?
How endearing.
It's "Adorable Door Duo" sent in
by Michelle Krause and Jackie Noel from Medina, Ohio.
[ Applause ]
Do you have any girls?
Or like, five-years-olds?
Or like, a big kid like me?
I'm five years old.
And me too.
And here's Ashley over here with me,
and I'm Zoey.
Joining us are Michelle, Jackie, Zoey, and Ashley.
Now, Michelle, since you don't have children,
why do you think Zoey and Ashley rang your bell?
They've seen children come over every once in a while.
Every once in a while, they've come over
and played with those children.
Alright, well, Zoey and Ashley,
did you end up finding any girls to play with your age?
No. No, not really?
Okay. Well, you know what?
Now you're both TV stars, and all the kids
will want to play with you, okay?
Yeah! Yeah.
Yeah, alright. Good luck, y'all.
[ Chuckles ] Alright.
Next up, grease is the word, the word that you heard,
but when there's this much grimy liquid,
well, that's just absurd.
It's "Oil Change Calamity" sent in by Gene Anzures
from Albuquerque, New Mexico.
I can't get it now. Well, I can't get it.
Thought you had all that.
I don't even know if it's --
Is that --
Oh, my God!
[ Both laugh ]
Joining us are Gene and Sandra.
Now, Sandra, when I saw how much oil you were covered in,
all I could wonder was,
how long did it take to wash it all off?
Oh, my gosh, a long time. A long time.
I had to use Dawn to take it out of my hair.
Okay, alright. Well, you know, got it off, right?
And at least it came off,
and hopefully, you got that oil changed.
I sure did.
Alright. Alright.
Well, good luck. Alright.
And now, the final video in it to win it...
here's something that'll make you say, "Whoa!"
You knock on the door and see stampeding doe.
It's "Deers for Fears," sent in by Shari Hite and Grace Combee
from Prineville, Oregon.
[ Knock on door ]
If they didn't have a doorbell cam,
no one would have believed her.
[ Screams ]
Joining us are Grace, Audrina, Shari, and Brianna.
Now, Audrina, what was going through your mind
when you saw a herd of deer come running by?
I was not ready for Santa Claus to be here yet.
I would have reacted exactly as you did.
I'd have been, "Ahh!"
I might have been a little worse, okay?
Well, you know what? Good luck today, alright?
Thank you.
Okay. Alright.
We're going to find out who takes home the cash
in just a minute, but first,
let's take a look at some of the clips
that didn't make our top three in tonight's honorable mention.
♪♪
[ Barking ]
Ahh!
♪♪
[ Screams ]
Whoa -- whoa!
♪♪
Ahh!
[ Applause ]
Okay, it's time to hand out tonight's prizes.
$20,000 for first, $6,000 for second,
and $4,000 for third.
Here we go.
Our third place, $4,000 winner is...
"Deers for Fears," sent in by Shari Hite and Grace Combee
from Prineville, Oregon.
Thank you.
And the winner of the $20,000
and tonight's funniest home video is...
"Oil Change Calamity" sent in by
Gene Anzures from Albuquerque, New Mexico.
We have Sandra and Gene. Congratulations!
Sandra getting doused in oil
did not come as a complete surprise to you,
because you know a little something about oil pans.
Wanna fill everybody in?
Yes, I knew the truck had seven quarts
and she had a five quart.
So I said, okay. I was just waiting.
I said, "This is an accident waiting to happen."
And sure enough. Sure enough. I said, "I'm recording this.
I'm going to record it."
[ Laughing ]
You know what? Sneaky, sneaky, okay?
But hey, keeping quiet made you both winners!
Okay? Yeah! Right.
So congratulations, you've got $20,000 and a shot at $100,000.
Thank you. Congratulations, guys!
Well, it's time to say goodnight,
which makes really good sense,
because it's been a really good night.
We'll see you next time and don't forget,
if you upload a video and it airs on the show,
we'll send you an "AFV" T-shirt.
So goodnight, everybody, and remember,
send your video to me, you might win 20 Gs.
Goodnight, y'all!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-- Captions by VITAC --
♪♪