Ribeiro: Tonight on "AFV's" season premiere...
Man: Look out! Hey, hey, hey!
[ Screams ]
[ Meows ]
A one, a two, a three, four, five!
♪♪
Welcome to "America's Funniest Home Videos.
And now here he is,
the host of our show,
Alfonso Ribeiro.
Let's go.
♪♪
Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hello, and welcome to our first show of season 35.
Yes.
Now, I trust all of you completed your
"how I spent my summer vacation" essays
and are ready to hand them in. -Yes.
No, no, no, no. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
But you can e-mail them to me. I'm kidding.
The only homework we'll ever give you
is to send in your videos like these people did.
Moms have a million things on their minds.
They can't remember every little detail
when they're driving their kids to school.
♪♪
Like the kid they're driving to school.
He keeps talking about that electric fence.
But someone's tired of the talk.
-...One. -No, no, no!
[ Kids laughing ]
This is a job for scooter woman.
♪♪
Woman: Who was the first president of the United States?
Man: George...
George Costanza.
Ribeiro: If that were true, we'd all have off for Festivus.
Even the golf ball wants him to quit.
Man: I got that. [ Laughter ]
I got that on video.
I got that.
Ribeiro: Don't bother pulling the SUV out
of the garage to fully extend that ladder
before you go up in the attic or nothing.
That would have taken 20 whole seconds.
♪♪
Okay. I feel so bad.
Look at what my poor mother did.
She just cooked this beautiful meal
that's like Tuscan chicken
and this amazing sauce with a new olive oil
that she ordered from online.
This pure Greek olive oil that she had ordered online.
This delicious meal that she spent forever on.
And only after she finished did we discover
that it's shower gel.
She just had to leave the room because she's so angry.
Ribeiro: Well, at least the pan will be easy to clean.
The chicken tastes like straight-up soap.
How do you feel right now?
Like I want to hit someone.
I want to physically hurt someone
and hit something really hard.
Mama!
Woman: What?
Hi.
How's this for the stars aligning in just about
the coolest way possible?
As "AFV" celebrates our 35th season,
the Disneyland Resort is getting ready
to celebrate its 70th anniversary starting next year,
so it's pretty much going to be one big party.
At the end of the season,
"AFV's" grand prize winner will experience the ultimate vacation
for eight people with a magical five-night stay
at the Disneyland Resort in California,
complete with a one-day VIP tour, character dining,
and a World of Color dessert party.
Now, we'll see which video victor gets to go on
this magical vacation later in the season.
But for now, let's all head to a place
where there's plenty of party going on right now.
That's right, I'm talking about the "Dog Park."
Release the hounds.
It's time to go to the "Dog Park."
Woman: What do we do when there's gophers?
Goodness. What about a squirrel?
Gopher.
Have you ever seen a squirrel?
Ribeiro: Once this video airs,
squirrels won't go anywhere near this house.
Woman: I wake up, my dog was in his cage,
so I closed the door.
You know, it was late.
I don't know, I didn't see. It was dark.
I can't -- I can't believe it.
Bad dog.
Woman: Oaks, are you excited to eat some food?
Ribeiro: Pug puppies -- 10 out of 10 for cuteness.
Zero out of 10 for coordination.
♪♪
Woman: Oops.
-Go! [ Cheering ]
Ribeiro: They could win if they just had a helping hand...
or a helping paw.
♪♪
Honey surprised herself that she could fit.
But I'm not sure that cat wanted a roommate.
♪♪
She hasn't forgotten the time you grilled those rib-eyes
and didn't give her one.
Woman: What happened?
[ Laughter and applause ]
We live in a world
where everybody wants to be an influencer.
I don't know about you,
but the only thing the influencers in this next montage
would influence me to do is to get off the Internet.
♪ I'm feeling the love ♪
♪ I'm feeling the vibes ♪
♪ Yeah, it's a good day to be alive ♪
♪ 'Cause it's all good when we're all together ♪
♪ This is gonna be the best day ever ♪
♪ When we get together ♪
♪ It's like we change the weather ♪
♪ Everything gets better ♪
♪ This is gonna be the best day ever ♪
♪♪
[ Screams ]
♪ I know you got swag, I know you got style ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you something that'll make you smile ♪
♪ When we get together ♪
♪ It's like we change the weather ♪
♪ Everything gets better ♪
♪ This is gonna be the best day ever ♪
[ Dog barks ]
Aaah!
[ Chickens cluck ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, want to see your funny video on TV?
Just upload it to afv.com.
♪ This is gonna be the best day ever ♪
♪♪
Snow. It's wet, it's cold,
and it seems like it would be fun to play in
until you remember that it's so, so wet and oh so cold.
So here are some videos from people who don't live
in the parts of the country that avoid
that icy cold nuisance that falls from the sky.
Can you tell who's not a fan?
[ Laughter ]
Dear nature, I'd like a metaphor for the futility of modern life.
Thank you.
-I give up. I'm done. -That was so mean.
-I'm done. -Oh, my gosh.
Ribeiro: Sometimes snow has perfect comic timing.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, I think we got that on the Ring.
We're going sledding.
Sleds optional.
That seems like an after you shovel the walk kind of job.
♪♪
Man: Coming in hot. Get him, get him, get him.
You should never pick up hitchhikers.
Especially if they don't ask you to.
Hey, hey, hey!
Everybody all right?
Even with booties on, Enzo only wants to get half his paws cold.
Man: I guess snow is heavier than it looks, huh?
Dad, I'm sliding.
It takes a special kind of clumsy
to lose a snowball fight with yourself.
♪♪
The kids had a great day.
Even if Mitchell didn't get to see a thing.
♪♪
Mitchell, look here.
I can't see, Mom. Mitchell.
[ Laughter ]
Zen masters are so tuned into their surroundings
that they could sense a sparrow in a tree 100 feet away.
However, watching a Zen master sense sparrows in trees
would be the biggest snooze-fest in television history.
So here are some people who are so oblivious
they couldn't sense a herd of water buffalo
buffaloing their way through their living room.
Enjoy.
♪♪
She may not have won the lottery,
but she won the lottery of becoming a grandma,
which is much less lucrative.
-What'd you win? -What'd you get?
We're having a baby?
What does that mean?
Man: I don't know, what do you think it means?
Ah! [ No audio ]
I want to see.
Woman: Where's the candy? Where is it?
The candy's here. Oh, it's right there?
He's right there and he goes in a bag.
Oh, he does?
But I can't find the bag.
You can't find the bag, huh?
Oh.
Ribeiro: When you forget to attach the hose to the vacuum,
the suction tends to suck.
Woman: And we have all the ducks.
Everybody's here. We even have a herd of pigeons.
Everybody's here.
Yep. There they are.
All the animals.
Oh, look. There goes a pigeon.
And here's my dog. Staring at nothing.
Ribeiro: Maybe he's just not as into bird watching as you.
You ever think of that?
Man: Last one.
Wonder where it is. Maybe it's at the window, huh?
Is it at the window?
Ribeiro: I say if she goes this long without finding it,
It's your candy now, dad.
Man: Maybe it's at the window.
Window. Window.
Come on, honey. Please, please get this.
Look over there.
Ribeiro: Is she hot? Is she cold?
Or is she just not that into Easter?
Candy!
Man: Oh, gosh. Never mind.
It's just over there.
Oh, my gosh.
Yay!
Ribeiro: Mom gives one child all of her attention
and gives her other child something
to make her feel guilty about for the rest of her life.
Levi!
♪♪
Sometimes y'all do something so insane it makes
me question my sanity.
How bonkers is that?
Maybe good decisions have gone out of style.
Or "Maybe I'm Nuts."
Maybe I'm nuts, but I thought rolling luggage was supposed
to make your life easier.
[ Car alarm beeping ]
♪♪
I'm no gymnastics guru,
but I'm pretty sure you won't become the next Simone Biles
with a precariously perched plank.
♪♪
Call me crazy,
but it'll take more than a hard hat
to keep questionable ideas from entering Dave's brain.
Man: Okay, water boy.
[ Growls ]
[ Laughs ]
Label me a cynic, but I think "learn the art of paragliding
in one easy lesson" sounds too good to be true.
Man: There's Tom doing downwind landing.
And face plant.
Maybe I'm a lawn snob,
but I wouldn't want this guy watering my grass.
♪♪
This has been "Maybe I'm Nuts."
It's time to show some butts.
The butts of practical jokes, that is,
not the tushy kind of butts.
We are a family show. Want to see some pranks?
Oui, oui. But of course.
Look at your hands.
Make sure -- Make sure you're balancing.
Here, I'm going to make sure you've got it.
Dad told him it was a test of balance,
but it's really a test of gullibility.
You ready? Try to balance it.
Look at it.
Three, two...
[ Woman laughs ]
♪♪
She thinks she's cracking his neck,
but the only thing getting cracked is the uncooked pasta
he has in his mouth.
[ Cracking ] Oh, aah!
Woman: Oh, my God. That was such a loud crack.
Holy -- What did you just do?
Oh, my God! Alex, what did you just do?
Oh, can you move your neck?
What did you just do?
[ Laughs ]
Man: Sadie, sit.
Girl: Sit. Sadie, sit.
Sit. Sit.
[ Whoopee cushion farts ]
Most dogs can do this without a whoopee cushion.
They should have been a little suspicious when dad asked them
to pose in front of the tractor after it rained.
[ Screams ]
Hawaii is still strict and we need to do COVID tests
to show to get on the plane.
Yeah. You've gotta be kidding me.
Yeah. So I got these two because they're very specific.
But we have to submit on, like --
How can they do this?
So do your test.
I'm gonna do it right now because I don't want it --
because it has to be, like, two weeks out.
So...
I don't even know how to do it anymore.
I know we're all trying to forget about COVID,
but did he really forget how big a Q-Tip was?
So I have to put this in both my nostrils?
...that they sent something like this.
I have other test kits. I know they're not like this.
Are you ready? Yeah.
This guy is testing positive for being easy to fool.
This thing doesn't even fit.
How far up?
Kate.
He's gonna have to quarantine after this
just out of embarrassment.
[ Laughter and applause ]
We've been going strong for 35 years,
so this year we want to take the time
to thank all the things that brought us here.
If "AFV" categories had a championship,
the belt would surely go to
people getting hit below the belt.
♪♪
-Oh! -Oh!
Ow! Hey!
♪♪
[ Screams ]
♪♪
[ Goose honks ] [ Screams ]
♪♪
-He's gonna bite you. -[ Screams ]
♪♪
Ow!
Oh, my God, there's a bee in my veil!
♪♪
Oh! Aah!
♪♪
Missing "AFV" during the week?
Check out our Facebook page for more videos like this one.
♪♪
Every once in a while, you meet someone
who didn't do well in school,
but their excuse is that they didn't test well.
And I think to myself,
"Maybe you didn't 'test well' because you didn't 'learn well'
because you 'aren't exactly a genius.'"
That is, after all, what the test tests.
Anyway, here are some boneheads
who test well for being hilarious.
He's doing a promposal.
I hope he has better moves on the dance floor
than he does on the porch.
There are so many factors involved in a good golf swing.
Like proper bucket placement.
Woman: Hey, give me a second. Does it hurt?
Let me see.
Oh, my gosh, girl.
[ Laughter ]
I call bull.
Woman: Did you get that?
Woman #2: I got it. I got it.
Please send it to me.
♪♪
Here, give me your coat.
When trying to break into your own house,
try not to break your own house.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
The box said hammock for one.
But Jonas don't listen to no stinking boxes.
♪♪
There's the fountain of youth,
and then there's the pool of instant karma.
[ Applause ]
Both: Hey, Alfonso, we want to see more chicken videos.
Okay, Louise and Samuel and little Star and Wendy.
You want to see more chicken videos?
Well, you're in cluck. I mean, you're in luck.
Man: Y'all requested a look at my chicken and water feeder.
It has these little cups that they eat out of.
[ Chicken clucking ] Ouch, Denise.
Gosh. You got my finger.
That's not food. Come on, girl.
Ribeiro: If you think Denise is annoying,
wait till you see Denephew.
Man: ...from the bottom but it kind of sinks
and, um, they're able to get fresh water.
Gosh, Denise. This chick is crazy.
Ribeiro: Raising chickens is a total pain in the butt.
Woman: Oh, that was not good.
Oh, baby.
[ Screaming ]
Ribeiro: I expect this reaction from city folk.
But I don't think this is their first rodeo.
Woman: How do you feel about KFC?
[ Clucks ]
What about Lee's Chicken?
[ Cluck ]
Ribeiro: At least she's honest.
Yet another reason most people stick with dogs and cats.
Ow!
Get down!
Chickens, get out.
Okay, now, time...
Huh.
Help!
Ribeiro: He may have locked himself in the coop,
but he has a plan to get out.
It's a terrible plan, but hey, he's 6.
Man: See if the chicken's ready.
That's it, Hilly.
Just climb on in the grill.
Just climb on in.
I won't hurt you.
Oh, you're my friend.
Oh, what are those charcoal things in there?
I don't know how those got in there, I promise.
No, it's not a lighter. It's just --
Just come here. Just -- Just -- Just for a minute.
Ribeiro: There is no plucking way he's falling for this.
Man: Oh, well, worth a try.
No chicken tonight.
♪♪
Every once in a while,
I point out that dogs are better than cats.
And cat people get mad. You know who doesn't get mad?
Cats. Because they don't care.
They don't care about you. They don't care about me.
They don't even care
that they're the star of this montage.
They only care about eating, sleeping,
and pushing stuff off of tables.
Respect.
♪♪
Get ready to celebrate
the 70th anniversary of the Disneyland Resort
happening next year in Anaheim, California.
This season, "AFV's" grand prize winner will experience
the ultimate vacation for eight
with a magical five-night stay at the Disneyland Resort,
complete with a one-day VIP tour,
character dining, and World of Color dessert party.
Join us next year for a limited-time celebration
where you'll experience timeless classics
and modern thrills during the 70th anniversary celebration.
Drop on in to the newly reimagined
Tiana's Bayou Adventure
and live out your very own Star Wars story
at Star Wars Galaxy's Edge at Disneyland Park.
Then suit up with superheroes at Avengers Campus
in Disney California Adventure Park.
Disneyland Resort will roll out the red carpet for your family
on your customizable VIP tour,
with convenience that enables you to focus
on creating unforgettable memories.
We look forward to welcoming you
to the happiest place on Earth.
Send your video to "AFV"
to enter for your chance to win this magical vacation.
♪♪
Raising a child is like a really hard lower-body workout.
A kid can bring tears, aches,
and the occasional pain in the gluteus maximus,
but also like a good lower-body workout,
you'll be glad you did it,
even if you curse yourself for having done it
in the first place.
♪♪
Lack of light and lack of sleep make a great combo.
[ Gasps ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ] We'll never do it again.
Yeah, we'll never do it again.
Yeah, that's right. Unless a hair dresser.
Yeah, 'cause we are very rude.
Cutest apology ever.
Man: Let's see the back of yours, Ruby.
Who cut it for you?
M-E!
Ribeiro: Worst haircuts ever,
but cutest apology ever.
Man: Let's go see the bathroom and the scissors that you used.
There's hair all over the bathroom here.
And some hair in the garbage.
Yeah.
Yeah!
Mnh-mnh.
Woman: You know what your shirt says?
It says "Only child" and it's crossed out.
And then it says "Big brother."
What?!
Ribeiro: Sorry, kid. T-shirts are legally binding.
I am trying to clean up my pantry.
And somebody snatched a little something right off the counter.
Gel food coloring.
Hey, Eliana, look at me.
Ribeiro: I don't watch a lot of crime shows,
but I think it might have been the toddler.
Woman: Ellie, show me your hands.
Yeah, everywhere.
And then not only did she do this...
Hi. Yeah.
Ribeiro: It's food coloring, so at least it's edible.
Woman: [ Laughs ] I'm gonna --
I'm gonna lose it.
Man: Hey. Did you go pee-pee in the dog food?
Mm-hmm.
Ribeiro: The kid in the Batman shirt
has a somewhat yucky origin story.
Asher, tell me the truth.
Did you go pee-pee in the dog food?
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
You know what the world needs now?
A duo of dueling duffels.
[ Dogs barking ]
I hope you've enjoyed a duo of dueling duffels.
Ah, the first show of the season is almost over,
and it seems like just 45 minutes ago I was saying hello
and now it's almost time to say goodbye.
I mean, it kind of makes you realize just
how fleeting life is and how we all
need to embrace the now before it's too late.
And -- And -- And wow, that took a dark turn.
Anyway, embrace the now of these videos.
Now, before it's too late.
I got a big one!
[ Screams ]
You stepped on Jameson's hand,
but he'll get his revenge.
Can you guys stop it?
I can tell you're taking a picture of me.
My mouth is all wet.
Woman: That don't matter.
Nothing can fix -- Nothing can fix this?
No.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
What's worse?
Cake batter in your hair or hair in your cake batter?
[ Shouting ]
Man: She shoved a whole cracker,
the entire cracker in her mouth.
Didn't you?
What goes well with crackers?
Cheese.
[ Laughter ]
That hammock doesn't take kindly
to dad criticizing his kid's arm.
[ Groans ]
And you thought ants were the most annoying thing at a picnic.
Are you okay?
So go ahead and you just look in the camera
and you say as many cuss words as you can get out,
but this is the only time you're ever allowed to say them.
All right?
Look at the camera and say your cuss words.
I'm going in here. I'll be right back.
Okay. Cuss words.
Cuss words. Cuss words.
Cuss words, cuss words.
That is so cuss-wording adorable.
Cuss words.
Are you done?
Um, I think so.
Because regular ice cream headache isn't bad enough...
One, a one, a two, a three, four, five!
-Whoa! You okay? -Oh, honey. You okay?
♪♪
This year, we're introducing something
we'll be doing all season long called "Ask a Kid,"
where we present you parents with some fun
and simple questions to ask your kid to see
if you can get some answers that are hilarious.
Our first "Ask a Kid" ask
is to ask your kid what they want to be when they grow up.
Here are some adorable responses.
Woman: What happens if we have five and we take away five?
Then we have zero.
Very good. What are you going to be someday?
A math...
Math --
A math potato.
No, not math potato.
A mathematician.
Man: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Um, a ninja engineer paleontologist
that also, um, studies science and also teaches at school.
And what do you want to be when you grow up?
A candy cane. A candy cane?
You know your task.
Now all you have to do is ask.
Jess, tell them more.
Just ask your kid what they want to be when they grow up.
If their answer is funny,
the first stop on their date with destiny
might win them $20,000 or even $100,000.
Just upload their funny response to afv.com.
For full contest rules, log on to afv.com.
Ask your kids what they want to be when they're grown.
Upload the video to us on your phone.
♪♪
It's been a great night, so say me,
but now we're going to hand out the dough-ray-me.
Let's meet our finalists.
First up, your niece learning to climb a step ladder
is quite the big day, but it would have been better
if the food coloring had been put away.
It's "Dye-Yi-Yi!"
sent in by Gwendolyn Rahr from the Hampton Roads, Virginia.
Rahr: Show me your hands. Yeah, everywhere.
And then not only did she do this...
Hi. Yeah.
Ribeiro: It's food coloring, so at least it's edible.
Rahr: [ Laughs ] I'm gonna --
I'm gonna lose it.
Joining us are Gwendolyn, Ellie, and Elora.
Now, Gwendolyn, how did you end up discovering
the mess that Ellie made?
Well, I was sitting on the floor
trying to sort through everything through the pantry,
and I just felt a figure come behind me,
and I felt like somebody was staring at me
in the back of the room,
and I turned around and there she was, covered in black.
What did you think when you saw the food coloring everywhere?
Um, so we've had incidents in the past with Eliana
getting into something,
and then I saw the, uh, the food coloring,
and that's when I just broke down hysterically laughing.
Perfect. Well, I love it. And good luck.
All right? Thank you.
All right.
Next up, a video where our censors could sleep,
because even when she said bad words,
they won't need to bleep.
It's "Cute as Cuss,"
sent in by Michelle Gibson from Union, Missouri.
So you go ahead and you just look in the camera
and you say as many cuss words as you can get out,
but this is the only time you're ever allowed to say them.
Cuss words. Cuss words.
Cuss words, cuss words.
Cuss words.
Are you done?
Um, I think so.
Joining us are Michelle, Katie, and Reagan.
Now, Katie, you set this up because you wanted to see
if Reagan even knew what cuss words were.
What prompted you to set up this experiment?
I had seen something online of a -- of another --
uh, a challenge, pretty much.
And some other kids were saying a slew of curse words,
and I just, uh, I had heard her say one,
and I wanted to see
if she understood what a curse word was.
And then she just said -- she just kept saying "Cuss word."
So I was like, "Oh my goodness, look at how innocent."
Like she doesn't even realize what a cuss word is.
Oh, I love it, I love it.
Well, Reagan proved that she is as innocent as bleep.
So good luck, y'all. All right.
And finally, dad was a good sport.
He never got hostile,
even when they gave him a tester
that was larger than his nostril.
It's "Cotton Swab Too Big for the Job,"
sent in by Kaitlyn Dzienis from Long Beach, California.
So I have to put this in both my nostrils?
Dzienis: Yeah.
...that they sent something like this.
This thing doesn't even fit.
How far up?
Joining us via technology is the star, Steve.
But joining us in person is Kaitlyn, who lives locally.
Right on. Come on in, Kaitlyn. All right.
Now, her dad,
Steve, couldn't be here because Kaitlyn told him
that he had to take a test to fly out
that required sticking the entire test tube up his nose.
And I'm joking, of course.
But also, Kaitlyn, tell us,
how did you get the idea to prank your dad?
Well, I'm always thinking of pranks,
even months in advance.
So I was shopping and I saw these huge cotton swabs,
and it just went off in my brain.
"I'm going to do this months later
when he flies out for our Hawaii trip."
Oh, that's brilliant, that's brilliant.
And, Steve,
how long did it take you to realize you were being punked?
Well, when I started putting a cotton tube up my nose
and I know it didn't fit,
so I knew right then, and especially with her laughing.
Well, hey, listen, you spent a few bucks on giant swabs,
and you might win 20 grand.
Looks like it's a pretty good return on investment.
Good luck. Thank you.
All right, all right.
All right, we're going to find out who takes home the cash
in just a minute.
But first let's take a look at some of the clips
that didn't make our top three in tonight's honorable mention.
♪♪
Okay, it's time to hand out tonight's prizes.
$20,000 for first, $6,000 for second, and $4,000 for third.
Here we go. Our third place $4,000 winner is...
"Dye-Yi-Yi!" sent in by Gwendolyn Rahr
from the Hampton Roads, Virginia.
Yay!
Thank you. And the winner of the $20,000
and tonight's funniest home video is...
"Cute as Cuss,"
sent in by Michele Gibson from Union, Missouri.
We have Reagan, Michelle, and Katie.
Oh, well, congratulations, you won.
Now, Michelle, what made you think to send the video
of your granddaughter to us?
Who win, Mommy?
When Katie sent it to me, I was expecting...
Mommy. Mommy.
...to hear my granddaughter say a bad word.
And when she didn't and she kept going "cuss words,"
I was just like -- Let me go.
Died laughing. It was just absolutely adorable.
Well, I think it was adorable. So congratulations.
You got $20,000 and a shot at $100,000.
Congratulations.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, we've come to the end of the show,
so it's time to say goodnight.
Which they keep insisting I say
instead of top of the morning for some weird reason.
Well, we'll see you next time.
And don't forget,
if you upload a video and it airs on the show,
we'll send you an "AFV" T-shirt.
So good night, everybody.
And remember, send your video to me,
Good night, y'all.
♪♪
-- Captions by VITAC --
♪♪