1
00:00:03,066 --> 00:00:04,208
Will, I'm ready.

2
00:00:04,228 --> 00:00:05,291
You said you'd teach me

3
00:00:06,012 --> 00:00:07,215
one of your basketball tricks.

4
00:00:07,234 --> 00:00:11,122
Oh, well, you know, my moves are
kind of like top secret, Nick.

5
00:00:11,142 --> 00:00:15,311
I mean, I could show you,
but then I'd have to kill you.

6
00:00:16,034 --> 00:00:18,158
Okay.

7
00:00:18,178 --> 00:00:19,190
Well, maybe I'll make
an exception

8
00:00:19,210 --> 00:00:20,323
this one time, alright?

9
00:00:21,044 --> 00:00:22,076
Alright. Come on.
D me up, d me up.

10
00:00:22,096 --> 00:00:23,169
[yelping]

11
00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:26,174
Alright, alright, check it out.
Check it out.

12
00:00:26,195 --> 00:00:27,348
Now, this is called
the Will Smith

13
00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:29,272
hoop dream, dunk on hakeem

14
00:00:29,292 --> 00:00:32,098
down the lane,
house of pain pass.

15
00:00:32,118 --> 00:00:33,240
'I assume you wasn't
ready for that one.'

16
00:00:33,259 --> 00:00:35,163
You know back in Philly,
they used to call me

17
00:00:35,183 --> 00:00:37,137
Will "The 747" Smith.

18
00:00:37,157 --> 00:00:39,112
- Wanna know why?
- Why?

19
00:00:39,132 --> 00:00:40,294
[crashes]

20
00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:44,320
Because I'm about to jet.

21
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,389
[theme song]

22
00:00:47,411 --> 00:00:49,190
♪ Now this is a story ♪

23
00:00:49,210 --> 00:00:51,222
♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

24
00:00:51,243 --> 00:00:52,402
♪ Turned upside-down ♪

25
00:00:52,421 --> 00:00:54,474
♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

26
00:00:54,494 --> 00:00:55,582
♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

27
00:00:56,314 --> 00:00:57,544
♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

28
00:01:06,642 --> 00:01:09,519
♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

29
00:01:09,538 --> 00:01:11,744
♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

30
00:01:11,765 --> 00:01:13,788
♪ Chillin' out, maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

31
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:16,724
♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

32
00:01:16,745 --> 00:01:18,879
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

33
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:20,964
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

34
00:01:20,984 --> 00:01:23,871
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

35
00:01:23,891 --> 00:01:24,928
♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

36
00:01:24,948 --> 00:01:26,077
♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

37
00:01:26,809 --> 00:01:28,079
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

38
00:01:28,099 --> 00:01:31,067
♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

39
00:01:31,087 --> 00:01:33,181
♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

40
00:01:33,914 --> 00:01:34,940
♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

41
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:37,187
♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

42
00:01:37,207 --> 00:01:40,266
♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

43
00:01:40,287 --> 00:01:42,096
♪ And I yelled
to the cabbie ♪

44
00:01:42,115 --> 00:01:43,264
♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

45
00:01:43,284 --> 00:01:45,307
♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

46
00:01:45,327 --> 00:01:48,265
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

47
00:02:01,561 --> 00:02:03,513
[instrumental music]

48
00:02:03,533 --> 00:02:06,466
This weekend?
Oh, I'd love to, Thad

49
00:02:06,485 --> 00:02:08,500
but I'm gonna lay low.

50
00:02:08,521 --> 00:02:11,634
Oh, no, it's nothing serious,
just the flu.

51
00:02:11,654 --> 00:02:16,423
Oh, that's so sweet.
Okay, bye.

52
00:02:16,443 --> 00:02:19,515
Thad? I thought
you were dating Kyle.

53
00:02:19,535 --> 00:02:22,379
I am. He's the flu.

54
00:02:22,399 --> 00:02:24,613
- Go, girl.
- You see what I'm saying?

55
00:02:24,632 --> 00:02:27,535
It sounds like it's raining men.

56
00:02:27,555 --> 00:02:29,391
I hope y'all are taking notes.

57
00:02:29,411 --> 00:02:32,514
Hey, hey, hey,
stop being all freaky.

58
00:02:34,570 --> 00:02:37,423
Hi, Will.
What you doing?

59
00:02:37,442 --> 00:02:40,575
Five to ten if you don't
take
your hands off me.

60
00:02:40,595 --> 00:02:42,380
[laughing]

61
00:02:44,396 --> 00:02:45,463
So, hey, Hill, what you think?

62
00:02:45,483 --> 00:02:47,319
You did a pretty good show
today, huh?

63
00:02:47,340 --> 00:02:50,522
Three words,
stink, stank, stunk.

64
00:02:50,541 --> 00:02:52,556
It was the worst show
we have ever done.

65
00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:54,353
We need better guests.

66
00:02:54,372 --> 00:02:56,368
Wait, wait.
Don't be getting all mad at me.

67
00:02:56,388 --> 00:02:58,493
I'm just the assistant
talent coordinator.

68
00:02:58,513 --> 00:03:00,349
If I had some more
responsibility around

69
00:03:00,369 --> 00:03:02,255
maybe we'd have some
better guests.

70
00:03:02,275 --> 00:03:04,350
Okay, then get me someone great
for tomorrow's show.

71
00:03:04,370 --> 00:03:07,343
And if it were my
responsibility, then I'd do it.

72
00:03:07,363 --> 00:03:09,328
Okay, I'm telling you
to do it.

73
00:03:09,348 --> 00:03:13,418
Alright, and if I thought you
meant it, then I'd get it done.

74
00:03:13,438 --> 00:03:17,489
That's right, my baby can
definitely get it done.

75
00:03:17,508 --> 00:03:20,371
Don't make me turn the hose on
you, alright?

76
00:03:22,466 --> 00:03:25,349
Will, bottom line,
I need more stimulating guests.

77
00:03:25,370 --> 00:03:27,256
I need someone
who can hold my attention

78
00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:28,432
for more than three seconds.

79
00:03:28,452 --> 00:03:29,450
Alright. Well,
how about we get--

80
00:03:29,471 --> 00:03:31,406
I gotta go.

81
00:03:34,368 --> 00:03:37,221
Hey. Uncle Phil,
what's going on, man?

82
00:03:37,241 --> 00:03:38,388
[grumbling]

83
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,390
Would you like to buy a vowel?

84
00:03:44,335 --> 00:03:45,413
[sighs]

85
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:48,206
You know, this trial is gonna be
the death of me.

86
00:03:48,225 --> 00:03:49,393
We lost another juror today.

87
00:03:49,414 --> 00:03:53,145
Oh, really? Hey, did you check
under your robe?

88
00:03:56,356 --> 00:03:58,142
You know what? I can see
you're not in the mood

89
00:03:58,162 --> 00:03:59,379
for that right now.
Here. Come on.

90
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,266
Right here. Right here.

91
00:04:01,286 --> 00:04:02,273
So come on, man.
What happened?

92
00:04:02,293 --> 00:04:04,159
Oh! He was writing a book.

93
00:04:04,178 --> 00:04:06,113
The bailiff found him hiding
in the men's room

94
00:04:06,134 --> 00:04:07,261
with his laptop.

95
00:04:09,127 --> 00:04:12,379
You sure he wasn't just
downloading his floppy?

96
00:04:14,115 --> 00:04:16,141
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

97
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,345
Shut up.
Can you hear me?

98
00:04:18,365 --> 00:04:21,258
[instrumental music]

99
00:04:21,277 --> 00:04:24,320
Hi, I'm Carlton Banks, and I
joined Great Introductions

100
00:04:24,340 --> 00:04:26,345
to give you red-hot mamas

101
00:04:27,064 --> 00:04:29,079
a chance to take a walk
on the wild side.

102
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,173
So climb on board.

103
00:04:30,192 --> 00:04:32,087
[imitates train whistle]

104
00:04:34,064 --> 00:04:37,233
Hm. A tad forward.

105
00:04:37,253 --> 00:04:40,221
[speaking in foreign language]

106
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,353
I am tan, I am a tourist

107
00:04:41,374 --> 00:04:45,095
and I'd love to give a lucky
mademoiselle like you

108
00:04:45,114 --> 00:04:46,387
a chance to meet moi.

109
00:04:48,334 --> 00:04:51,192
That felt close.

110
00:04:51,212 --> 00:04:53,267
[laughing]

111
00:04:55,312 --> 00:04:57,247
Do you guys mind?

112
00:04:57,267 --> 00:05:00,296
What is your problem,
Pepe Le Puny?

113
00:05:02,262 --> 00:05:04,378
Hardy har har.

114
00:05:04,398 --> 00:05:06,444
And in a related story judge
Philip Banks

115
00:05:07,165 --> 00:05:10,224
has dismissed yet another juror
in the show-biz madam case.

116
00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:12,309
As cameras are not allowed in
his courtroom

117
00:05:12,330 --> 00:05:14,306
'we have an artist's rendering
of his action.'

118
00:05:14,325 --> 00:05:16,310
'Specific details
are not yet available'

119
00:05:16,331 --> 00:05:19,409
'as to why the juror was
dismissed.'

120
00:05:19,430 --> 00:05:21,366
Wait, I know that guy.

121
00:05:21,385 --> 00:05:25,436
Of course you do.
That's my dad, you
half-life.

122
00:05:25,457 --> 00:05:28,445
- Not him, the other dude.
- Oh, what, you knew him?

123
00:05:28,465 --> 00:05:30,341
He's my barber.

124
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,255
That's the dude that cut that
Jack-o'-lantern

125
00:05:32,276 --> 00:05:34,261
in your head last Halloween?

126
00:05:34,282 --> 00:05:35,365
That's the guy.

127
00:05:35,384 --> 00:05:37,259
It'd have been great if that
candle hadn't burned

128
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:38,513
the roof of my mouth.

129
00:05:41,511 --> 00:05:45,391
Jazz, do you think
he'd do Hilary?

130
00:05:45,412 --> 00:05:48,350
Why not?
She got a nice big head.

131
00:05:48,371 --> 00:05:50,336
[instrumental music]

132
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:55,310
This place is so tiny.

133
00:05:55,330 --> 00:05:58,539
I can't even imagine how small
the facial room must be.

134
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:01,446
Look, Hill, look, why don't you
come on over here and sit down?

135
00:06:01,466 --> 00:06:03,382
Here you go.
Read this "Jet" magazine

136
00:06:03,402 --> 00:06:05,407
and let me handle my business,
alright?

137
00:06:05,428 --> 00:06:09,470
- Okay, you're next.
- Hey. Whoa, hey.

138
00:06:09,490 --> 00:06:11,495
Now, you know I'm gonna have to
charge you extra

139
00:06:11,515 --> 00:06:12,598
for working around these
ears.

140
00:06:12,617 --> 00:06:14,342
[chuckles]

141
00:06:14,362 --> 00:06:15,485
Well, no, hold up, my man.

142
00:06:15,506 --> 00:06:17,642
Actually, I'm not here
to get a haircut.

143
00:06:18,363 --> 00:06:20,600
Well, you in the wrong
place,
fool.

144
00:06:20,620 --> 00:06:24,420
Well, no, a friend of mine sent
me. You know Jazz?

145
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:25,634
The idiot that put the
candle
in his mouth?

146
00:06:25,654 --> 00:06:28,492
- Ha-ha!
- That's him.

147
00:06:28,512 --> 00:06:30,447
Alright, now,
what can I do you for?

148
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:31,550
Well, see, actually,
my cousin and I--

149
00:06:31,571 --> 00:06:33,496
Will, let me handle this.

150
00:06:33,517 --> 00:06:38,450
Hi. As you probably already
know, I'm Hilary Banks.

151
00:06:38,470 --> 00:06:39,553
Who?

152
00:06:39,572 --> 00:06:42,531
Ha-ha! That's very funny.

153
00:06:42,551 --> 00:06:46,672
I would be really honored if you
would be a guest on my show.

154
00:06:46,692 --> 00:06:48,588
What is it with you people?

155
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,564
First, you got Geraldo
coming in here..

156
00:06:50,583 --> 00:06:51,706
You know his head is as
empty

157
00:06:51,726 --> 00:06:54,664
as Al Capone's vault,
then you had Montel.

158
00:06:54,685 --> 00:06:56,511
I told Montel,
"Yeah, I'll do your show

159
00:06:56,530 --> 00:06:59,468
when you grow some hair."

160
00:06:59,488 --> 00:07:01,684
Now, listen, I'm gonna tell you
the same thing I told them.

161
00:07:01,705 --> 00:07:04,583
I'm not interested
in doing tabloid television.

162
00:07:04,603 --> 00:07:06,699
I have my dignity
and I have my self-respect.

163
00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:08,654
- We got cash.
- You got George.

164
00:07:08,674 --> 00:07:09,647
Oh!

165
00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:11,552
[instrumental music]

166
00:07:11,572 --> 00:07:13,667
Carlton, can I use your
car on Saturday?

167
00:07:13,688 --> 00:07:15,714
No can do, Ashley.
I have a date.

168
00:07:15,734 --> 00:07:18,522
[laughing]

169
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,555
You're kidding.
With who?

170
00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:25,561
Well, I haven't worked
that part out yet.

171
00:07:25,582 --> 00:07:27,768
But once this dating-service
thing kicks in

172
00:07:27,788 --> 00:07:30,656
this hombre's dance card
is gonna be pretty full.

173
00:07:30,676 --> 00:07:33,624
[laughing]

174
00:07:33,643 --> 00:07:35,779
Oh, yeah, just yuk it up.

175
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:39,696
He who laughs last..
See, it's started already.

176
00:07:39,715 --> 00:07:42,799
- Master Carlton--
- Not now, Geoffrey.

177
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:44,753
"You're in my thoughts.
Love, Thad."

178
00:07:44,772 --> 00:07:49,659
Thad? That's a pretty
sexy-sounding name.

179
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,823
I'm thinking long legs.

180
00:07:51,844 --> 00:07:54,608
No, these are for me
fromThad.

181
00:07:54,627 --> 00:07:56,630
Now what am I supposed to do?

182
00:07:56,651 --> 00:07:59,645
Please, for carnations and a
little baby's breath?

183
00:07:59,665 --> 00:08:00,757
Nothing.

184
00:08:02,738 --> 00:08:04,832
Hey. Hey, Carlton,
you will never guess

185
00:08:04,853 --> 00:08:06,695
who we got on the show
for tomorrow.

186
00:08:06,715 --> 00:08:12,654
So there's no sense of me
playing, is there?

187
00:08:12,674 --> 00:08:14,837
Hey, hey, Uncle Phil,
about that juror you just--

188
00:08:14,857 --> 00:08:16,810
I'm sorry, Will,
but I can't talk about it.

189
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:17,921
Oh, but daddy, the juror--

190
00:08:18,642 --> 00:08:20,755
How many times do I have to
tell you kids

191
00:08:20,775 --> 00:08:22,818
that I just can't talk about it?

192
00:08:22,838 --> 00:08:26,664
Ugh!

193
00:08:26,685 --> 00:08:28,848
Hey, Nicky, you will never guess
who we got..

194
00:08:28,868 --> 00:08:31,692
How many times do I have to
tell you kids?

195
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:33,855
I just can't talk about it.

196
00:08:33,875 --> 00:08:34,937
Ugh!

197
00:08:35,658 --> 00:08:36,910
[instrumental music]

198
00:08:40,875 --> 00:08:43,760
Excuse me, I'm here
to return this radio.

199
00:08:43,780 --> 00:08:45,843
Back of the line.

200
00:08:45,863 --> 00:08:48,817
Hey, aren't you Judge Banks?

201
00:08:48,836 --> 00:08:51,810
Well, yes, I am.

202
00:08:51,830 --> 00:08:54,825
Hey, everybody, it's Judge Banks
from the television.

203
00:08:54,845 --> 00:08:58,881
Hey. You think that show-biz
madam did it or what, huh?

204
00:08:58,902 --> 00:09:00,985
I'm sorry, but I can't
discuss the case.

205
00:09:01,705 --> 00:09:04,809
Well, then I can't discuss your
radio. Back of the line.

206
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:07,855
[instrumental music]

207
00:09:10,768 --> 00:09:13,752
Alright, George,
why don't you just relax

208
00:09:13,773 --> 00:09:14,954
cool out a little bit?
Hilary will be out soon.

209
00:09:14,974 --> 00:09:17,718
You know, how you feeling?
What are you a little
nervous?

210
00:09:17,738 --> 00:09:19,761
Why should I be nervous?
I'm all liquored up.

211
00:09:19,781 --> 00:09:22,736
[laughing]

212
00:09:22,756 --> 00:09:23,907
[laughing]

213
00:09:23,928 --> 00:09:26,823
You are hilarious, man.
Hey, have a seat. Have a
seat.

214
00:09:26,843 --> 00:09:28,936
Ah, listen, you know, I just
wanna let you that, you know

215
00:09:28,956 --> 00:09:31,910
any point during the show
you feel like you might wanna..

216
00:09:31,930 --> 00:09:33,783
I don't know, toss my name
in,
"Will Smith"

217
00:09:33,802 --> 00:09:35,955
you know, it's cool.

218
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:37,929
- Okay. Ready, George?
- Of course, I'm ready.

219
00:09:37,949 --> 00:09:41,905
I've been waiting around
for an hour. Where's my
money?

220
00:09:41,924 --> 00:09:43,947
Hey, look. Alright.
I'm gonna be right over here.

221
00:09:43,968 --> 00:09:46,812
Remember, Will Smith.
Will Smith.

222
00:09:46,832 --> 00:09:48,765
Alright, everybody,
have a great show.

223
00:09:48,784 --> 00:09:50,837
Okay.

224
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,871
Now, just relax, be yourself

225
00:09:52,891 --> 00:09:54,814
and remember to keep your
answers short.

226
00:09:54,833 --> 00:09:55,994
The audience didn't come to hear
the guest babble

227
00:09:56,015 --> 00:09:57,848
on and on.

228
00:09:59,059 --> 00:10:02,874
In five, four, three, two..

229
00:10:02,895 --> 00:10:04,858
[applause]

230
00:10:04,878 --> 00:10:06,961
Hello and welcome to
Hilary.

231
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,024
We're very excited today
to have as our guest

232
00:10:09,044 --> 00:10:12,069
recently dismissed juror
from the show-biz madam
trial

233
00:10:12,088 --> 00:10:13,961
George Howlings.

234
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,863
[applause]

235
00:10:15,885 --> 00:10:18,809
- Welcome.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.

236
00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:20,941
Well, I guess what we're all
dying to know is

237
00:10:20,961 --> 00:10:22,834
why you were dismissed.

238
00:10:22,854 --> 00:10:25,037
You know, they told the press
I was writing a book

239
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,841
but that's not it.

240
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,001
Oh?

241
00:10:28,022 --> 00:10:31,027
Tell us what it really was.

242
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:34,892
Well, they said I was crazy,
but I'm not crazy.

243
00:10:34,912 --> 00:10:36,965
But you wanna know who is crazy?

244
00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,847
Maybe I shouldn't
say this on TV.

245
00:10:38,867 --> 00:10:42,973
Oh, come on, George.
Just between you and me..

246
00:10:42,993 --> 00:10:45,026
Who was crazy?

247
00:10:45,047 --> 00:10:48,923
That lard-butt of a judge.

248
00:10:48,943 --> 00:10:51,927
That man is crazy as they come.

249
00:10:51,947 --> 00:10:54,131
(George on TV)
'What does it take to become
a judge these days?'

250
00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:58,025
Now, if you ask me,
that man was very incompetent.

251
00:10:58,045 --> 00:11:00,108
Couldn't judge a beauty pageant.

252
00:11:00,128 --> 00:11:05,015
About as useless as a no-mouthed
dog at a frisbee contest.

253
00:11:05,036 --> 00:11:08,020
'If I ever see him, I'll lower
him like a cheap carpet.'

254
00:11:11,906 --> 00:11:13,117
(George on TV)
And it looked to me, he dozed
off every now and then.

255
00:11:13,138 --> 00:11:15,081
(Hilary on TV)
Uh, George..

256
00:11:15,101 --> 00:11:18,917
(George)
Probably dreaming about that
bony-legged prosecutor.

257
00:11:18,936 --> 00:11:21,099
I think they got something
going on.

258
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,925
Ain't that right, Will Smith?

259
00:11:29,061 --> 00:11:31,074
[instrumental music]

260
00:11:34,009 --> 00:11:36,002
[instrumental music]

261
00:11:36,022 --> 00:11:39,156
Hill. Hill. Hold up.
He's gonna kill us.

262
00:11:39,177 --> 00:11:41,019
Will, it's not like
it was our fault.

263
00:11:41,039 --> 00:11:43,022
We can't control
what someone says.

264
00:11:43,042 --> 00:11:45,936
Daddy will understand that.

265
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,097
Well, I hope so.

266
00:11:47,117 --> 00:11:51,063
And if not, I'll just blame
the whole thing on you.

267
00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:53,176
Oops. Did I say that out loud?

268
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,051
Is he in there?

269
00:11:57,071 --> 00:11:59,953
No, the coast is clear!

270
00:12:03,176 --> 00:12:06,138
Hi, daddy.
You look so handsome.

271
00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:09,960
Oh, not bad
for a lard butt, huh?

272
00:12:11,171 --> 00:12:13,013
I guess there's no reason to ask

273
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,104
whether or not you saw
the show today.

274
00:12:15,123 --> 00:12:17,245
Oh, I saw the show.

275
00:12:17,975 --> 00:12:20,217
- We all saw the show.
- We all saw the show.

276
00:12:20,237 --> 00:12:22,078
Wait, wait, hold up, Uncle Phil.

277
00:12:22,098 --> 00:12:24,059
Now, before you get started

278
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,092
I just wanna let you know
that
finger pointing

279
00:12:26,111 --> 00:12:28,162
isn't gonna get us nowhere.

280
00:12:28,183 --> 00:12:31,235
And also that it's not
called
the Will Show.

281
00:12:33,197 --> 00:12:37,250
Oh, please. You're the one
that introduced me to that nut.

282
00:12:37,269 --> 00:12:41,192
Daddy, punish him.
He needs tough love.

283
00:12:41,213 --> 00:12:43,174
That is enough.

284
00:12:43,194 --> 00:12:46,136
I have never been so embarrassed
in my entire life.

285
00:12:46,155 --> 00:12:48,257
And to think the two people
responsible

286
00:12:48,277 --> 00:12:51,038
for it are my own family.

287
00:12:51,059 --> 00:12:53,221
My own flesh and blood.

288
00:12:53,241 --> 00:12:56,103
Um, technically, Uncle Phil

289
00:12:56,122 --> 00:13:00,015
I'm not really your
flesh and blood.

290
00:13:00,035 --> 00:13:04,118
See, my mom and Aunt Viv,
they..

291
00:13:04,138 --> 00:13:07,220
I see where you going
with this though.

292
00:13:07,241 --> 00:13:09,062
- Do you?
- Oh, yeah, I can see.

293
00:13:09,082 --> 00:13:11,164
Pssh-pssh!

294
00:13:11,183 --> 00:13:15,276
Then tell me, what is it?
Haven't I done enough for you?

295
00:13:15,296 --> 00:13:19,208
Taking you into my home, huh?
Treated you with respect.

296
00:13:19,229 --> 00:13:22,242
Maybe I did something to hurt
you, is that it?

297
00:13:22,262 --> 00:13:26,034
No. Come on, Uncle Phil.
No. No, that's not it.

298
00:13:26,053 --> 00:13:28,255
- Then why?
- I don't-I don't know.

299
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:31,027
And you..

300
00:13:31,047 --> 00:13:32,248
...my own daughter.

301
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,200
My first-born.

302
00:13:35,261 --> 00:13:37,102
[sighs]

303
00:13:37,122 --> 00:13:40,194
I don't know if there's a knife
that could cut as deeply.

304
00:13:40,214 --> 00:13:43,246
We tried to tell you yesterday.

305
00:13:43,266 --> 00:13:45,298
That's your excuse?

306
00:13:45,317 --> 00:13:47,198
You didn't have the sense to
know that that man

307
00:13:47,219 --> 00:13:49,171
would be angry with me
for dismissing him?

308
00:13:49,190 --> 00:13:52,142
You didn't have the common sense
to know that?

309
00:13:52,162 --> 00:13:55,314
I don't have any common sense.

310
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:05,191
You two have profoundly hurt
and disappointed me.

311
00:14:07,143 --> 00:14:10,095
Unc-uncle-uncle Ph..
Unc..

312
00:14:11,246 --> 00:14:15,049
You should be ashamed of
yourselves.

313
00:14:15,068 --> 00:14:18,090
Aunt-aunt-aunt, aunt..

314
00:14:18,110 --> 00:14:21,322
- A-a, Ashley.
- You understand, don't you?

315
00:14:25,056 --> 00:14:27,267
Nicky. Come on.. Ow, man!

316
00:14:29,279 --> 00:14:31,160
Hill, you know what
you gonna say?

317
00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:33,162
Don't worry, I'm just gonna
speak from the heart.

318
00:14:33,182 --> 00:14:35,313
Hey, now just remember,
this is from both of us.

319
00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:37,214
Don't be out there taking
all the credit.

320
00:14:37,234 --> 00:14:39,185
- Have a good show.
- Here we go.

321
00:14:39,205 --> 00:14:43,218
In five seconds,
four, three, two..

322
00:14:43,238 --> 00:14:45,069
[applauding]

323
00:14:45,089 --> 00:14:47,221
Hello and welcome to Hilary.

324
00:14:47,241 --> 00:14:51,163
Today's show is a very special
tribute to fathers.

325
00:14:51,184 --> 00:14:53,156
But before we get to our guests

326
00:14:53,176 --> 00:14:54,327
I'd like to say something
special

327
00:14:54,346 --> 00:14:57,188
about a very important man
in my life.

328
00:14:57,208 --> 00:15:01,090
My father, Judge Philip Banks.

329
00:15:01,110 --> 00:15:02,311
[applauding]

330
00:15:05,353 --> 00:15:08,295
Yesterday, a dismissed juror
in the show-biz madam trial

331
00:15:08,317 --> 00:15:12,359
came on the show and said some
really icky things about him.

332
00:15:14,171 --> 00:15:18,384
My cousin Will and I were,
well, to say the least, shocked.

333
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:23,127
And now daddy won't
even talk to us.

334
00:15:23,146 --> 00:15:24,347
(Will)
He won't say nothing.

335
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:27,389
(Hilary)
And we feel like strangers in
our own house.

336
00:15:28,109 --> 00:15:32,312
Please, daddy, forgive us.
Please.

337
00:15:32,333 --> 00:15:35,316
You should be ashamed
of yourself.

338
00:15:35,336 --> 00:15:37,177
Ow!

339
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,340
And we don't know
what we supposed to do.

340
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,341
[instrumental music]

341
00:15:47,293 --> 00:15:50,235
[knocking]

342
00:15:50,255 --> 00:15:53,177
I'm sorry, no one answered
the front door.

343
00:15:53,198 --> 00:15:56,130
I have a package for
a Carlton Banks.

344
00:15:56,149 --> 00:15:57,380
That's me.

345
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,132
Oh, no, not another rejection.

346
00:16:00,152 --> 00:16:01,233
Bad news?

347
00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:03,374
I sent this to last chance
video dating.

348
00:16:03,394 --> 00:16:06,286
You know,
"We guarantee you a date"

349
00:16:06,306 --> 00:16:09,389
except if your name is
Carlton Banks.

350
00:16:09,409 --> 00:16:11,250
Trust me. It doesn't work

351
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:13,291
if your name is
Michelle Williams either.

352
00:16:13,311 --> 00:16:16,304
- You tried this?
- I tried them all.

353
00:16:16,325 --> 00:16:17,355
Wow.

354
00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:20,197
I wouldn't expect someone
like

355
00:16:20,217 --> 00:16:22,169
you to have trouble
meeting people.

356
00:16:22,188 --> 00:16:25,350
The only people I meet
are dogs and shut-ins.

357
00:16:27,191 --> 00:16:28,262
Why can't it be easier?

358
00:16:28,282 --> 00:16:29,433
I mean, why can't
you just open the door

359
00:16:30,153 --> 00:16:32,195
and meet someone nice?

360
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,388
Well, bye.

361
00:16:37,339 --> 00:16:39,191
Wait a minute.

362
00:16:40,441 --> 00:16:42,242
Would you?

363
00:16:42,263 --> 00:16:44,364
Uh.. Uh..

364
00:16:44,384 --> 00:16:47,306
Like to go out Saturday night?

365
00:16:47,325 --> 00:16:48,426
Yeah.

366
00:16:48,446 --> 00:16:52,349
- Hey, I'm not..
- Coming on too strong?

367
00:16:52,370 --> 00:16:54,301
Not at all.

368
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,162
Bye.

369
00:16:59,314 --> 00:17:03,217
Sweet mother of God,
that's a firm handshake.

370
00:17:05,228 --> 00:17:07,360
Trust me, if daddy saw the show
this afternoon

371
00:17:07,381 --> 00:17:09,322
everything will be fine.

372
00:17:09,342 --> 00:17:12,364
And if he didn't,
we'll show it to him.

373
00:17:12,384 --> 00:17:15,346
Now, do you know how to work
one of these things?

374
00:17:15,366 --> 00:17:16,407
What are you two doing?

375
00:17:16,427 --> 00:17:18,228
[screaming]

376
00:17:18,247 --> 00:17:21,209
Hey, man.

377
00:17:21,229 --> 00:17:24,422
Did you see anything,
I don't know, good on TV today?

378
00:17:24,442 --> 00:17:27,194
- No.
- So you didn't see the show?

379
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:29,205
Oh, I saw the show.

380
00:17:29,225 --> 00:17:33,248
And now thanks to you, not only
am I an incompetent judge

381
00:17:33,268 --> 00:17:35,279
but an unfit parent.

382
00:17:35,299 --> 00:17:37,321
Tell me, what do you have
planned for tomorrow?

383
00:17:37,342 --> 00:17:39,393
Perhaps snapshots of me
in the bathtub, huh?

384
00:17:39,413 --> 00:17:44,207
Or a video of me chasing
stray dogs in my car.

385
00:17:44,226 --> 00:17:47,388
Daddy, you don't do that,
do you?

386
00:17:47,409 --> 00:17:50,281
You two are the most
irresponsible--

387
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:52,405
Alright, I've heard enough.

388
00:17:52,426 --> 00:17:55,238
Now, I did see something good
on TV today.

389
00:17:55,257 --> 00:17:57,342
I saw two people
begging for forgiveness

390
00:17:57,363 --> 00:18:00,225
and feeling very badly for
hurting someone that they love.

391
00:18:00,244 --> 00:18:04,284
Oh, please, Vivian.
Don't buy into the propaganda.

392
00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:07,357
That's enough.

393
00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:10,339
Now, what I wanna hear now
is an apology

394
00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:14,150
and the acceptance
of the apology.

395
00:18:15,287 --> 00:18:16,394
Go ahead.

396
00:18:16,413 --> 00:18:19,186
- We sorry. We sorry, man.
- We're sorry.

397
00:18:19,206 --> 00:18:21,230
- Man, we sorry. Man, we sorry.
- Really sorry, daddy.

398
00:18:21,251 --> 00:18:22,408
Man, we, man..

399
00:18:23,125 --> 00:18:24,292
Okay, now you.

400
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,293
I accept your apology.

401
00:18:31,226 --> 00:18:32,333
Philip.

402
00:18:34,088 --> 00:18:35,305
[sighs]

403
00:18:35,325 --> 00:18:37,240
I accept your apology.

404
00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:39,175
(Vivian)
'Okay.'

405
00:18:39,194 --> 00:18:42,216
- Now hug. Come on.
- Ohh.

406
00:18:47,104 --> 00:18:48,341
[grunts]

407
00:18:56,071 --> 00:18:57,278
Hold up. Hold up.

408
00:19:15,143 --> 00:19:17,137
[instrumental music]

409
00:19:19,102 --> 00:19:23,142
This is the way it's supposed to
be. One big happy family.

410
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,985
Hey, look, Uncle Phil, man, I
just wanna say again how sorry--

411
00:19:26,004 --> 00:19:28,018
Enough, enough said, Will.
Enough.

412
00:19:28,038 --> 00:19:30,223
Let's just put it all behind us.
What's done is done.

413
00:19:30,951 --> 00:19:34,222
I just wanna sit here
and watch a little TV.

414
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:36,147
(Leno on TV)
'Anybody see "The Hilary Show"
the other day?'

415
00:19:36,168 --> 00:19:39,061
They had a dismissed juror
from the show-biz madam case

416
00:19:39,081 --> 00:19:43,140
insulting judge Banks, who just
happens to be Hilary's father.

417
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:45,085
'Boy, here's a family
that really puts the "Fun"'

418
00:19:45,105 --> 00:19:47,030
back in dysfunctional,
isn't it?

419
00:19:47,050 --> 00:19:48,896
[audience laughing]

420
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,122
And speaking of Judge Banks,
we have a special

421
00:19:54,141 --> 00:19:55,947
tribute to him tonight.

422
00:19:55,966 --> 00:19:57,074
'Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome'

423
00:19:57,095 --> 00:19:59,040
'The Dancing Phil's.'

424
00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:01,004
[instrumental music]

425
00:20:04,125 --> 00:20:07,098
- That's it! I've had enough!
- But, wait..

426
00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:09,043
No, no. Just go.
Just go. Please.

427
00:20:09,064 --> 00:20:11,926
- Ohh!
- 'Go!'

428
00:20:11,945 --> 00:20:15,825
Wait, wait a minute. Now, you
wait one minute, Uncle Phil.

429
00:20:15,845 --> 00:20:17,880
Now, I didn't
wanna have to do this..

430
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,965
...but you brought
this on yourself.

431
00:20:23,815 --> 00:20:25,909
[instrumental music]

432
00:20:27,955 --> 00:20:32,015
♪ And I am telling you ♪

433
00:20:32,035 --> 00:20:35,825
♪ And I'm not going ♪

434
00:20:35,844 --> 00:20:39,873
♪ Even though the rough times
are showing ♪

435
00:20:39,894 --> 00:20:42,757
♪ There's just no way ♪

436
00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:45,010
♪ There's no way ♪

437
00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:47,993
♪ Tear down the mountains
yell scream and shout ♪

438
00:20:48,012 --> 00:20:52,880
♪ You can say what you want
I'm not walking out ♪

439
00:20:52,901 --> 00:20:55,973
♪ Stop all the rivers
push strike and kill ♪

440
00:20:55,992 --> 00:20:57,987
♪ I'm not gonna leave you ♪

441
00:20:58,007 --> 00:20:59,752
♪ There's no way ♪

442
00:20:59,772 --> 00:21:02,974
♪ I will ♪

443
00:21:05,727 --> 00:21:09,936
♪ And I am ♪

444
00:21:09,956 --> 00:21:12,878
♪ Telling you ♪

445
00:21:12,899 --> 00:21:17,936
♪ I'm not going ♪

446
00:21:17,955 --> 00:21:21,905
♪ You're the best man
I'll ever know ♪

447
00:21:21,925 --> 00:21:25,835
♪ There's no way I can ever
ever go ♪

448
00:21:25,856 --> 00:21:28,659
♪ No no no no way ♪

449
00:21:28,678 --> 00:21:32,807
♪ No no no no way
I'm living without you ♪

450
00:21:32,828 --> 00:21:38,763
♪ Oh I'm not living without you
not living without you ♪

451
00:21:38,783 --> 00:21:42,613
♪ I don't wanna be free ♪

452
00:21:42,632 --> 00:21:43,819
♪ I'm staying ♪

453
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:45,785
♪ I'm staying ♪

454
00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:49,665
♪ And you and you and you ♪

455
00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:53,773
♪ You're gonna love me ♪

456
00:21:57,593 --> 00:22:00,616
♪ You're gonna love me ♪

457
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:03,688
[instrumental music]

458
00:22:04,756 --> 00:22:06,631
♪ Yeah ♪

459
00:22:09,642 --> 00:22:11,537
♪ Yeah ♪

460
00:22:13,802 --> 00:22:15,717
♪ Yeah ♪

461
00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:20,615
♪ Yeah ♪

462
00:22:23,537 --> 00:22:24,753
♪ Yeah ♪

463
00:22:27,737 --> 00:22:29,652
♪ Yeah ♪♪