This programme contains some strong language
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Richard Ayoade.
In the news this week, following the explosion
of his Space X rocket ship, Elon Musk attempts to reassure
shareholders with this new range of state-of-the-art tumble dryers.
LAUGHTER
PAUL:That would get your clothes dry, wouldn't it?
In Downing Street, suspicions continue to grow that one government
insider may be taking secret bribes from pro-EU groups.
And on a train from Scotland, Keir Starmer realises it's going to be
a wrong journey as he's stuck with a nutter saying how great
things were in the old days.
On Ian's team tonight is a political commentator who says
she is not a massive lefty, which for the BBC counts as balance.
Please welcome Marina Purkiss.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Paul's team tonight is a comedian who recently said
that he hates being forced to take part in standing ovations.
Trust me, if I get one at the end of the evening for what they've
given me to read out, you won't be able to resist.
Please welcome Phil Wang.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
We begin with the bigger new stories of the week.
Ian and Marina, have a look at this.
Ian:Oh, it's a nightclub.
Oh, there's Michael Gove's new friends.
Oh, no, it's a panic, isn't it?
It's the alarm.
So, Marina, it was a security alert.
It was, yes, 3pm on Sunday for some people, not for everyone though.
OK.
Some people got it on Monday at, like, 2:30am.
Why?
Because the government, it was their plan...
Are you suggesting they are not competent?
Apparently only 40% of people received the alarm
at the correct time.
Apparently there is a reason for it and the Express have said
it is Meghan Markle's fault.
Yeah, I think I believe that.
I was disappointed not to hear the alarm but then I don't
have a mobile phone.
OK.
And I'm wondering what this alarm is for.
It's got to be nuclear war, hasn't it?
So I won't know until I see this bright light on the horizon
and a sudden rise in temperature.
Yes, whereas otherwise you could have done something about it.
Drawn the curtains.
Gone underneath the table.
No, that doesn't work, the curtains is enough.
Yes, well, this is the controversial emergency alarm went off at three
o'clock last Sunday, not for everyone.
Three Mobile customers didn't get the alarm.
Not many, is it?
They didn't get it.
Who else was critical of the alarm system?
Well, I think Jacob Rees Mogg because I think he wanted it done
by semaphore from hills.
Yes.
But I think he said...
You will know this because I gather you've had a bit of a...
We didn't talk about this.
Oh, didn't you?
No, we just talked about his complete failure
as a person of government.
Did he bring the subject up or was that you?
Funnily enough, it was me, actually.
But apparently he said it was an example of a nanny state,
which is always funny because he's the only person who
actually has a nanny.
Well, it was other Conservatives as well who were critical,
including Greg Smith, MP for Buckingham, who said...
Do you want to see the official Downing Street video telling people
to expect the alarm?
Yes, please.
You're going to have to guess what happens next.
OK.
It's thrilling.
All right.
Are we led to believe those people are working on a Sunday?
So, what comes next?
Put us out of our misery.
Is that what he says?
We're putting you out of your misery.
"If you can't hear the alarm, you are already dead."
Ta-ta.
Let's see what they actually went for.
It looks a bit like theatre from a distance.
You're getting theatre, "oh, lovely.
"I was looking for something to do."
Who was told to turn off their phone in advance of the test?
Surgeons ideally.
You wouldn't want them to be startled in the operating room.
That's true.
Oh, sorry, Mr Jones - well, Mrs Jones now, sorry about that.
People who were philanderers, who were cheating.
Was there government advice for that?
Well...
Specifically to former prime ministers?
Yes.
People who might want to keep a phone secret.
And fans at football grounds in case...
Who could have done with an alarm this week,
warning of imminent disaster?
Diane Abbott?
Yes, she sent a letter to the Observer in which she wrote
that racism and prejudice were different things and implied
there was a hierarchy of racism, which would be lovely
to thresh out tonight.
That's why they booked me.
Oh.
So we're here to discover who is the most racist person here?
Oh, are we doing it?
Yeah.
I think we're already sitting in our racist order, but you don't
know where it starts from.
She did suggest that certain types of racism should be considered
racism and others should be just merely prejudice.
And that included Irish people, travellers and Jews.
Yeah.
And this is a bit of a problem for the Labour Party putting
the word Jews in again.
And, yes, it was late at night and she was sending a formal
letter to the Observer, so, you know, hey,
we've all done it.
Like any first draft of any letter you write,
there is a hell of a lot of racism in there.
That's what second drafts are for.
Right.
Dear milkman, why is my milk white?
There are so many things that have to go wrong there.
One, you write a racist draft.
Two, you open an e-mail.
Three, you add an attachment.
I don't understand how this has been an error.
She did apologise for her letter.
The explanation was that she has sent...
And she had obviously had a couple of initial drafts.
She tried to say that the errors arose.
She didn't write them down, they just arose like mould.
She just left the window open and some anti-Semitism just kind
of settled on the letter.
There was a wonderful moment where Keir Starmer had
to pretend that this wasn't terrifically good news.
So, it's very, very sad that he had to sack this ghastly
old friend of Jeremy's.
And out she goes, goodbye.
Actually, Diane Abbott has had the whip removed by Keir Starmer.
Yes, she's not been sacked.
She has not been sacked, but Diane Abbott just
had the whip removed.
Yes, that's very different from being sacked.
I'm glad no-one said she had been sacked.
No, she hasn't been sacked, she just had the whip removed.
The whip removed, very different.
Is a very simple procedure.
I mean, it's quite an extraordinary thing to say that redheads have been
through the same thing that Jews.
Can you imagine gingers wandering the desert for 40 years?
They wouldn't last 40 seconds.
The burning bush wasn't even a bush.
It was a redhead who forgot their sunscreen.
Does this answer your racist question?
Yeah, Phil, you've won.
It was going to be a great day for the Tory party.
Unfortunately, they had to suspend one of their MPs for suggesting
that the Covid vaccine roll-out had been the worst thing
since the Holocaust.
Andrew Bridgen, not a great moment for either party.
Rishi Sunak, who did he elbow last week metaphorically?
Raab.
Yes.
It's Raab, Raab was found by a government inquiry to have
bullied and harassed certain civil servants.
The report said he was...
Like a detergent.
He was persistently aggressive.
Yeah.
He undermined, he humiliated.
Striking the table.
And also that he is...
So, they're going through some tables there.
He's just chopping through wood.
According to the Telegraph, he also said someone's work
was utterly useless and woeful.
Is that bullying?
Is that bullying?!
God Almighty, give us a fair warning.
I was waiting for my alarm to go off to tell me that was going to happen.
Imagine being told you are bad at your job by Dominic Raab.
I mean, this is a guy who didn't know that Dover
was important for trade.
Or thought misogyny was a thing that applied to both sexes.
There's nothing worse than a bullying thicko.
And he is the one who didn't come home from a holiday
during a previous emergency because he thought
the sea was close.
That sounds like we're bullying him.
And finally, what's going on here?
This is the police protecting Rishi Sunak.
Police horses retire en masse.
Yeah.
I am right, aren't I?
Yes.
Rishi Sunak is in the middle there and he requires
the entire police force to defend him from protesters.
But there's no protesters there.
Unless they're disguised as police.
It's actually Mrs Rishi bringing her purse back from the cashpoint.
This is the controversial emergency alarm that went off at three o'clock
last Sunday afternoon.
The timing of the alarm warning us of impending national disaster
has been criticised.
Some say it went off a minute too early.
Others claim it should have gone off even earlier,
last September when Liz Truss became Prime Minister.
APPLAUSE
Last week, Dominic Raab quit after two complaints
of bullying were upheld.
Many of the bullying allegations refer to his time at the...
Which is also the name he gives to his fists.
Paul and Phil, take a look at this.
Yes, this is the French, in France, where you would expect
a lot of them to be.
This is a protest in the rise in pensionable age
from 62 to 64, I think.
And it's a place called Ganges I think in France
where they try to sort of stop people banging saucepans by saying
it was against the law because they called them
portable sound systems.
Yes.
"You're not allowed to have a portable sound
system in a public place."
Yes, they're being classified as portable sound devices.
They're being told to put a lid on it.
Over in France, they bash their pots and pans in protest.
Over here, we do it instead of paying our nurses properly.
There must've been some confusion with NHS workers in Paris.
"I appreciate that, I'm on holiday, actually.
You know what I mean."
Yes, this is the news that the French government
are trying to ban the banging of pots and pans which were used
by protesters against government pension reform.
You are completely right, Paul.
After complaints of police officers confiscating saucepans,
the French interior minister was forced to clarify
the government's position.
The French love their retirement because in a way it's
the strike that never ends.
The old racismometer is really high.
Hitting a saucepan with a wooden spoon has been
the French way to express
disapproval since the middle ages, along with the guillotine.
President Macron's pension changes have been pushed
through despite huge public opposition, but what did Macron say
in the Alsace region?
Was Macron annoyed that the French couldn't just be more British?
Shall we see what he actually said?
Here he is.
BANGING POTS AND PANS
It's just a bit of fun.
While the French are protesting about the retirement age going up
to 64, who has absolutely no intention of retiring?
Joe Biden.
That is right, Joe Biden.
Joe Biden, 80 years young.
Yes.
He has confirmed that this will be running for president.
It's always funny when he says that, isn't it?
Because he won't be walking.
And then he says he's going to stand and you think, not even that.
The slogan on the announcement video was Let's Finish This.
And I'm like...
He's so old, Jill puts coins on his eyes every night just in case.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Do you want to see his official launch promo?
Yes!
Freedom.
Personal freedom is fundamental to who we are as Americans.
There's nothing more important, nothing more sacred.
That's been the work of my first term.
To fight for our democracy.
This shouldn't be a red or blue issue.
That's not even slow motion, that's how...
That is speeded up!
Well, he'll be 86 at the end of a second term.
It does seem strange that the most powerful country in the world
can only find a very, very old man and a man
who is going to be in jail to run against each other.
Only 5% of Americans want to see Biden-Trump face-off.
Which well-known figures are keeping themselves in very good trim?
Who is looking hot, do you mean?
Yes, we are going to have a look.
Is that AI-generated?
Yes, it is.
Why have you got metal nipples?
Well, you ought to ask yourself, Paul, because it is you.
What?!
APPLAUSE.
Yeah.
You ought to get a metal detector round those sharpish.
It is an AI-created image of what people would look
like at the peak of physical fitness and that is you at your peak
of physical fitness as fashioned by AI.
I'm speaking to my lawyer about this.
Ian, do you want to get one, Ian?
APPLAUSE.
Blimey!
I...
That expression tells a story, but I'm not sure what it is.
They haven't done me because it would just be the same.
This refers to the demonstrations in France over pensions reform.
According to one historian...
Mixed results.
It wasn't quite enough to keep the Nazis out of Paris.
AUDIENCE GROANS.
It's a topical show.
Got a mock-up of Hitler with no shirt on, have we?
In other news, Joe Biden has announced he will
stand again in 2024.
Launching his bid to be reelected as president,
Joe Biden announced a minimum tax rate for the very wealthy, saying...
Or any of the Village People, for that matter.
1980s pop group, my lord.
Oh, thank you very much.
Donald Trump this week told his supporters...
Donald, you are far too modest.
And so to round two, Strengthometer Of News.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Yes.
This is a rusty pole in Exmouth.
It was removed mysteriously, no-one knows where it went,
no-one knows who took it.
And locals are furious.
They are furious.
It stood on a Exmouth nature reserve since 1909
and according to ITV news, it has been...
Let's have another look at the pole.
On Tripadvisor, there is a suggested visiting duration of...
It is 119 years old.
It's actually just announced
it's running for President of the United States.
Who has been most vocal about its removal?
There is an appreciation society.
The Exmouth Rusty Pole Society has been up in arms.
Co-founder Robyn Trigger-Glover told reporters...
Adding...
Society member Mike Menhenitt is devastated as well.
Here he is...
I remember it from my childhood here from the 1950s, playing with it.
And it is such a shame.
Why has it gone?
It is a landmark.
Perhaps they were not aware of the importance of this pole
to the people of the town.
It has been here since 1909 with the Council deciding
that they ought to have some...
So we would like it reinstated, please.
Why has he pretended to be a vicar?
What have locals done as a tribute?
Have they laid flowers in its place?
Shall we take a look?
Yes.
Well, the group would love to see the pole reinstated,
but they have found a piece of concrete at least, which,
I believe was left behind, maybe as a base for a plaque
in memory of the rusty pole.
Does it say - rust in peace?
APPLAUSE.
Very good, very good.
This is a rusty sewer vent pole in Exmouth that
isn't there any more.
According to one newspaper, the pole...
Well, that is Devon for you.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Just one between you, this week.
Your four are...
Elon Musk.
Donald Trump.
Boris Johnson.
And car parks.
Oh, I don't know where to begin with this.
Maybe you think about what happened to Elon Musk recently.
So, his rocket exploded on launch.
It happens to all of us.
Is it a computing malfunction?
Well, you are in the right area.
They have all had problems with technology.
Apart from car parks which will have problems
with technology in the future.
Why?
How do we know that?
Well...
Why don't we do something about that?!
Nothing to do with driverless cars or electric cars or something?
It is to do with electric cars.
They are heavier.
They are heavier, cars are heavier.
And what does that mean?
Oh!
It means that...
They are going to fall through the multistorey car park.
AUDIENCE GASPS.
Yes!
According to research, multistorey car parks...
There are actual murmurs in the audience.
According to research, multistorey car parks will struggle
with the increased number of electric cars on the road
because they are much heavier than their
fossil fuel-burning counterparts.
That is according to lead scientist...
Mr Whapples confirmed that...
Stop touching cars, Chris.
Let's stick with parking.
Why...
Can we change the title of this programme to - Who Gives A Lock?
APPLAUSE.
Every car park in the world is on the brink of collapse
and there you are in your bubble!
Yeah!
As Teslas fall from the sky!
Yeah!
Why might a car park in China not live up to
some driver's expectations?
Because it is dead!
I don't know, I don't care!
I'm pretending!
Yeah, I know.
But I've been here 33 years, how do you think I feel?
I don't know.
If I had empathy, I would give it a go.
Yeah!
An English teacher...
Yeah!
..based in the Hanjiang...
Yeah!
..Of Yangzhou...
You know that district?
Yeah, absolutely.
..spotted this sign leading to a car park which offered...
OK, and you claim you don't care!
Yeah!
Emergency porking, it is a sign that is directing you to Liz Truss,
who is doing a trade deal.
Now, what technology challenges does Boris Johnson face?
He shouldn't have any challenges, he spent all that money
on Jennifer Arcuri, didn't he?
Yeah, he took IT lessons.
He should be an expert by now.
During his Covid isolation - tough times for Boris -
the former Prime Minister kept accidentally disconnecting from Zoom
and had no idea how to rejoin.
Therefore his aides set up...
So that...
Also his relationship strategy.
APPLAUSE.
What problems did Elon Musk have this week?
Well, Phil mentioned his rocket blowing up.
Yes.
Well, SpaceX did their very best to own the situation
with a spokesperson describing the explosion as...
How has Donald Trump shown he is not great with technology this week?
It is Truth Social, his own personal social media.
Yes.
His own social media channel, which is Truth Social that he set up
after being banned from Twitter has made the former president...
One of Donald Trump's most popular fundraising
vehicles is registered as...
"Inc" presumably standing for - incarcerated.
Time now for the Omitting Words round, which this week features
as its guest publication, Natterchat, the newsletter for
amphibian and reptile enthusiasts.
We start with...
Mars rover too far away to care what is happening
on earth after losing will to live.
And I know how it feels!
Mars rover...
Oh, no, it is not lonely!
It is not lonely...
And it hasn't got a pet rock!
It is on Mars,
it's a rocky planet, get another one!
Mars rover does have a pet rock and it is lonely!
That is a headline.
What happened to the pet rock?
Did it die?!
Have a look.
This is this is the Mars rover and it has lost its unexpected
travelling companion...
LAUGHS.
A small rock...
This is it news!
Don't...
You are talking about pain here, Paul.
I am!
Pain 8 million miles away on a dead planet.
I know how it feels.
Here is the rock.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
No, no!
Who made that noise? Who made that noise?
About a piece of rock on Mars?
Admit it, Paul, now that you have seen it, you are actually moved.
No, he isn't.
I didn't realise the relationship was that close.
Next...
Heavily biased towards Capricorns.
Well, it says...
It says?
Yes!
The goat said...
This is Billy the Psychic Goat.
Here is Billy in action.
Answering the question -
has there been much news round this week?
That's true.
Next...
# You've got to get with my friends #.
Then...
Oh, get a life.
You really are getting...
If you really want to capture...
And it doesn't sound like you really do.
No, I don't.
It is unclear whether you should be on the sponge or the toad
should be on the sponge.
I think you've got to be sitting on the sponge to get
the activity to be of interest.
Finally...
Yeah, finally!
SNP accountant, Nicola Sturgeon and bags of cash...
AUDIENCE GROANS.
That is definitely true.
The answer is...
Here's what the police found in the back of the car.
He is coked up to his eyeballs.
Yeah.
So the final scores are Ian and Marina have four,
Paul and Phil also have four.
Wahey!
APPLAUSE.
But before we go, there is just time for the Caption Competition.
Can you tell me the best way to Cockfosters?
Are you going to the arsenal?
APPLAUSE.
On which note, we say thank you to our panelists -
Ian Hislop and Marina Purkiss, Paul Merton and Phil Wang.
And I leave you with news that in Peterborough,
there is a slight overreaction to the local council
changing its blue lid recycling bin day from Tuesdays to Wednesdays.
An awkward moment at a holiday resort as two guests are forced
to make small talk after recognising each other from work.
And at a maternity ward in Hartlepool,
an urgent investigation is launched
after a baby tried to climb back inside its mother.
Good night.
APPLAUSE.
I would like to apologise here and now if there was anything
I said that I gave the impression I didn't care
about the Mars rover story.