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This programme contains
some strong language
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This programme contains
some strong language
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APPLAUSE
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CHEERING
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CHEERING
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Good evening, welcome
to Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Richard Ayoade.
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In the news this week,
following the explosion
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of his Space X rocket ship,
Elon Musk attempts to reassure
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shareholders with this new range
of state-of-the-art tumble dryers.
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shareholders with this new range
of state-of-the-art tumble dryers.
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LAUGHTER
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LAUGHTER
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PAUL:That would get your
clothes dry, wouldn't it?
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PAUL:That would get your
clothes dry, wouldn't it?
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In Downing Street, suspicions
continue to grow that one government
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insider may be taking secret bribes
from pro-EU groups.
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insider may be taking secret bribes
from pro-EU groups.
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And on a train from Scotland, Keir
Starmer realises it's going to be
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a wrong journey as he's stuck
with a nutter saying how great
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things were in the old days.
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things were in the old days.
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On Ian's team tonight is a political
commentator who says
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she is not a massive lefty,
which for the BBC counts as balance.
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Please welcome Marina Purkiss.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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And on Paul's team tonight
is a comedian who recently said
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that he hates being forced to take
part in standing ovations.
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Trust me, if I get one at the end
of the evening for what they've
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Trust me, if I get one at the end
of the evening for what they've
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given me to read out,
you won't be able to resist.
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Please welcome Phil Wang.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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We begin with the bigger
new stories of the week.
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Ian and Marina, have a look at this.
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Ian:Oh, it's a nightclub.
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Oh, there's Michael
Gove's new friends.
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Oh, no, it's a panic, isn't it?
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It's the alarm.
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It's the alarm.
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So, Marina, it was a security alert.
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It was, yes, 3pm on Sunday for some
people, not for everyone though.
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OK.
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Some people got it
on Monday at, like, 2:30am.
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Why?
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Because the government,
it was their plan...
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Are you suggesting
they are not competent?
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Apparently only 40%
of people received the alarm
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at the correct time.
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Apparently there is a reason for it
and the Express have said
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it is Meghan Markle's fault.
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it is Meghan Markle's fault.
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Yeah, I think I believe that.
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I was disappointed not to hear
the alarm but then I don't
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have a mobile phone.
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OK.
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And I'm wondering
what this alarm is for.
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And I'm wondering
what this alarm is for.
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It's got to be nuclear
war, hasn't it?
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So I won't know until I see this
bright light on the horizon
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and a sudden rise in temperature.
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Yes, whereas otherwise you could
have done something about it.
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Drawn the curtains.
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Gone underneath the table.
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No, that doesn't work,
the curtains is enough.
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No, that doesn't work,
the curtains is enough.
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Yes, well, this is the controversial
emergency alarm went off at three
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o'clock last Sunday,
not for everyone.
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Three Mobile customers
didn't get the alarm.
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Not many, is it?
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They didn't get it.
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Who else was critical
of the alarm system?
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Well, I think Jacob Rees Mogg
because I think he wanted it done
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by semaphore from hills.
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Yes.
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But I think he said...
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You will know this because I gather
you've had a bit of a...
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We didn't talk about this.
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Oh, didn't you?
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No, we just talked
about his complete failure
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as a person of government.
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Did he bring the subject
up or was that you?
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Funnily enough, it was me, actually.
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But apparently he said
it was an example of a nanny state,
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which is always funny because he's
the only person who
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actually has a nanny.
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Well, it was other Conservatives
as well who were critical,
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including Greg Smith,
MP for Buckingham, who said...
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Do you want to see the official
Downing Street video telling people
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to expect the alarm?
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Yes, please.
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You're going to have
to guess what happens next.
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OK.
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It's thrilling.
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All right.
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Are we led to believe those people
are working on a Sunday?
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So, what comes next?
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Put us out of our misery.
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Is that what he says?
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We're putting you out
of your misery.
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"If you can't hear the alarm,
you are already dead."
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Ta-ta.
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Let's see what they
actually went for.
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It looks a bit like
theatre from a distance.
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It looks a bit like
theatre from a distance.
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You're getting theatre, "oh, lovely.
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"I was looking for something to do."
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Who was told to turn off their phone
in advance of the test?
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Surgeons ideally.
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You wouldn't want them to be
startled in the operating room.
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That's true.
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Oh, sorry, Mr Jones - well,
Mrs Jones now, sorry about that.
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People who were philanderers,
who were cheating.
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Was there government
advice for that?
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Well...
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Specifically to former
prime ministers?
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Yes.
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People who might want
to keep a phone secret.
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And fans at football
grounds in case...
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And fans at football
grounds in case...
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Who could have done
with an alarm this week,
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warning of imminent disaster?
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Diane Abbott?
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Yes, she sent a letter
to the Observer in which she wrote
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that racism and prejudice
were different things and implied
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there was a hierarchy of racism,
which would be lovely
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to thresh out tonight.
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That's why they booked me.
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Oh.
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So we're here to discover
who is the most racist person here?
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Oh, are we doing it?
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Yeah.
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I think we're already sitting
in our racist order, but you don't
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know where it starts from.
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She did suggest that certain types
of racism should be considered
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racism and others should be
just merely prejudice.
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And that included Irish people,
travellers and Jews.
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Yeah.
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And this is a bit of a problem
for the Labour Party putting
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the word Jews in again.
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And, yes, it was late at night
and she was sending a formal
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letter to the Observer,
so, you know, hey,
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we've all done it.
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Like any first draft
of any letter you write,
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there is a hell of a lot
of racism in there.
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That's what second drafts are for.
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Right.
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Dear milkman, why is my milk white?
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There are so many things that
have to go wrong there.
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One, you write a racist draft.
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Two, you open an e-mail.
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Three, you add an attachment.
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I don't understand how
this has been an error.
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She did apologise for her letter.
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The explanation was
that she has sent...
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The explanation was
that she has sent...
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And she had obviously had
a couple of initial drafts.
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She tried to say
that the errors arose.
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She didn't write them down,
they just arose like mould.
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She just left the window open
and some anti-Semitism just kind
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of settled on the letter.
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There was a wonderful moment
where Keir Starmer had
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to pretend that this wasn't
terrifically good news.
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So, it's very, very sad that he had
to sack this ghastly
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old friend of Jeremy's.
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And out she goes, goodbye.
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Actually, Diane Abbott has had
the whip removed by Keir Starmer.
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Actually, Diane Abbott has had
the whip removed by Keir Starmer.
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Yes, she's not been sacked.
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She has not been sacked,
but Diane Abbott just
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had the whip removed.
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Yes, that's very different
from being sacked.
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I'm glad no-one said
she had been sacked.
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No, she hasn't been sacked,
she just had the whip removed.
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The whip removed, very different.
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Is a very simple procedure.
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I mean, it's quite an extraordinary
thing to say that redheads have been
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through the same thing that Jews.
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Can you imagine gingers wandering
the desert for 40 years?
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They wouldn't last 40 seconds.
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They wouldn't last 40 seconds.
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The burning bush wasn't even a bush.
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It was a redhead who
forgot their sunscreen.
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Does this answer your
racist question?
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Yeah, Phil, you've won.
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It was going to be a great
day for the Tory party.
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Unfortunately, they had to suspend
one of their MPs for suggesting
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Unfortunately, they had to suspend
one of their MPs for suggesting
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that the Covid vaccine roll-out had
been the worst thing
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since the Holocaust.
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Andrew Bridgen, not a great
moment for either party.
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Rishi Sunak, who did he elbow last
week metaphorically?
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Raab.
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Yes.
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It's Raab, Raab was found
by a government inquiry to have
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bullied and harassed
certain civil servants.
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The report said he was...
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Like a detergent.
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He was persistently aggressive.
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Yeah.
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He undermined, he humiliated.
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Striking the table.
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And also that he is...
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And also that he is...
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So, they're going through
some tables there.
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So, they're going through
some tables there.
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He's just chopping through wood.
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According to the Telegraph,
he also said someone's work
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was utterly useless and woeful.
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Is that bullying?
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Is that bullying?!
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God Almighty, give
us a fair warning.
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I was waiting for my alarm to go off
to tell me that was going to happen.
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Imagine being told you are bad
at your job by Dominic Raab.
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I mean, this is a guy
who didn't know that Dover
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was important for trade.
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was important for trade.
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Or thought misogyny was a thing that
applied to both sexes.
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There's nothing worse
than a bullying thicko.
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And he is the one who didn't
come home from a holiday
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during a previous emergency
because he thought
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the sea was close.
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the sea was close.
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That sounds like we're bullying him.
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And finally, what's going on here?
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This is the police
protecting Rishi Sunak.
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Police horses retire en masse.
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Yeah.
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I am right, aren't I?
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Rishi Sunak is in the middle
there and he requires
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the entire police force
to defend him from protesters.
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But there's no protesters there.
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Unless they're disguised as police.
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It's actually Mrs Rishi bringing her
purse back from the cashpoint.
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It's actually Mrs Rishi bringing her
purse back from the cashpoint.
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This is the controversial emergency
alarm that went off at three o'clock
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last Sunday afternoon.
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The timing of the alarm warning us
of impending national disaster
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has been criticised.
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Some say it went off
a minute too early.
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Others claim it should have
gone off even earlier,
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last September when Liz Truss became
Prime Minister.
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APPLAUSE
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APPLAUSE
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Last week, Dominic Raab quit
after two complaints
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00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:27,000
of bullying were upheld.
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Many of the bullying allegations
refer to his time at the...
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Which is also the name
he gives to his fists.
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Paul and Phil, take a look at this.
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Paul and Phil, take a look at this.
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Yes, this is the French, in France,
where you would expect
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00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,040
a lot of them to be.
255
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,480
This is a protest in
the rise in pensionable age
256
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,680
from 62 to 64, I think.
257
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:59,840
And it's a place called
Ganges I think in France
258
00:11:59,880 --> 00:11:59,960
And it's a place called
Ganges I think in France
259
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,520
where they try to sort of stop
people banging saucepans by saying
260
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,680
it was against the law
because they called them
261
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:07,720
portable sound systems.
262
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:08,720
Yes.
263
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,680
"You're not allowed
to have a portable sound
264
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,280
system in a public place."
265
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,320
Yes, they're being classified
as portable sound devices.
266
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,520
They're being told
to put a lid on it.
267
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,120
Over in France, they bash their pots
and pans in protest.
268
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,240
Over here, we do it instead
of paying our nurses properly.
269
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,600
There must've been some confusion
with NHS workers in Paris.
270
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,240
"I appreciate that, I'm
on holiday, actually.
271
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,240
You know what I mean."
272
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:35,960
Yes, this is the news
that the French government
273
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:36,360
Yes, this is the news
that the French government
274
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,520
are trying to ban the banging
of pots and pans which were used
275
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:43,920
by protesters against
government pension reform.
276
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,520
You are completely right, Paul.
277
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,560
After complaints of police officers
confiscating saucepans,
278
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,440
the French interior minister
was forced to clarify
279
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,200
the government's position.
280
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,720
The French love their retirement
because in a way it's
281
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:59,360
the strike that never ends.
282
00:12:59,400 --> 00:12:59,960
the strike that never ends.
283
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:11,040
The old racismometer is really high.
284
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:11,360
The old racismometer is really high.
285
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,080
Hitting a saucepan with
a wooden spoon has been
286
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,160
the French way to express
287
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,360
disapproval since the middle ages,
along with the guillotine.
288
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,080
President Macron's pension
changes have been pushed
289
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,440
through despite huge public
opposition, but what did Macron say
290
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:25,480
in the Alsace region?
291
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,120
Was Macron annoyed that the French
couldn't just be more British?
292
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,840
Shall we see what he actually said?
293
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,560
Here he is.
294
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:45,800
BANGING POTS AND PANS
295
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,160
It's just a bit of fun.
296
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,880
While the French are protesting
about the retirement age going up
297
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,000
to 64, who has absolutely no
intention of retiring?
298
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,000
Joe Biden.
299
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,240
That is right, Joe Biden.
300
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:55,480
Joe Biden, 80 years young.
301
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:56,520
Yes.
302
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,920
He has confirmed that this will be
running for president.
303
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,080
It's always funny when he
says that, isn't it?
304
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:02,240
Because he won't be walking.
305
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,640
And then he says he's going to stand
and you think, not even that.
306
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:08,000
The slogan on the announcement video
was Let's Finish This.
307
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:12,640
And I'm like...
308
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:13,280
And I'm like...
309
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:21,160
He's so old, Jill puts coins on his
eyes every night just in case.
310
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:21,880
He's so old, Jill puts coins on his
eyes every night just in case.
311
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,440
AUDIENCE: Oh!
312
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,520
Do you want to see his
official launch promo?
313
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:29,640
Yes!
314
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,600
Freedom.
315
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:36,600
Personal freedom is fundamental
to who we are as Americans.
316
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,360
There's nothing more important,
nothing more sacred.
317
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,240
That's been the work
of my first term.
318
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,480
To fight for our democracy.
319
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:47,600
This shouldn't be
a red or blue issue.
320
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:51,960
That's not even slow
motion, that's how...
321
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,080
That's not even slow
motion, that's how...
322
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,000
That is speeded up!
323
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,640
Well, he'll be 86 at
the end of a second term.
324
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,520
It does seem strange that the most
powerful country in the world
325
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,080
can only find a very,
very old man and a man
326
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,040
who is going to be in jail
to run against each other.
327
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:10,040
Only 5% of Americans want to see
Biden-Trump face-off.
328
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:10,280
Only 5% of Americans want to see
Biden-Trump face-off.
329
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,280
Which well-known figures are keeping
themselves in very good trim?
330
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,040
Who is looking hot, do you mean?
331
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,480
Yes, we are going to have a look.
332
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:22,560
Is that AI-generated?
333
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:23,560
Yes, it is.
334
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,080
Why have you got metal nipples?
335
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,720
Well, you ought to ask yourself,
Paul, because it is you.
336
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,760
What?!
337
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,240
APPLAUSE.
338
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,440
Yeah.
339
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:36,960
You ought to get a metal detector
round those sharpish.
340
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,040
It is an AI-created image
of what people would look
341
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,720
like at the peak of physical fitness
and that is you at your peak
342
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:48,280
of physical fitness
as fashioned by AI.
343
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:53,560
I'm speaking to my
lawyer about this.
344
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,840
Ian, do you want to get one, Ian?
345
00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:02,000
APPLAUSE.
346
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,080
Blimey!
347
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,880
I...
348
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:13,800
That expression tells a story,
but I'm not sure what it is.
349
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:14,040
That expression tells a story,
but I'm not sure what it is.
350
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:18,720
They haven't done me because it
would just be the same.
351
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,920
This refers to the demonstrations
in France over pensions reform.
352
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,520
According to one historian...
353
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:27,160
According to one historian...
354
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,800
Mixed results.
355
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,400
It wasn't quite enough to keep
the Nazis out of Paris.
356
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:36,040
AUDIENCE GROANS.
357
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,560
It's a topical show.
358
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:42,720
Got a mock-up of Hitler
with no shirt on, have we?
359
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,880
In other news, Joe Biden
has announced he will
360
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:45,920
stand again in 2024.
361
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,920
Launching his bid to be
reelected as president,
362
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:53,080
Joe Biden announced a minimum tax
rate for the very wealthy, saying...
363
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,240
Or any of the Village
People, for that matter.
364
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:05,840
1980s pop group, my lord.
365
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:06,320
1980s pop group, my lord.
366
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,360
Oh, thank you very much.
367
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:14,280
Donald Trump this week
told his supporters...
368
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,600
Donald, you are far too modest.
369
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:19,360
Donald, you are far too modest.
370
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,400
And so to round two,
Strengthometer Of News.
371
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:27,080
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
372
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:27,640
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
373
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:32,440
Yes.
374
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:36,280
This is a rusty pole in Exmouth.
375
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,480
It was removed mysteriously,
no-one knows where it went,
376
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:39,720
no-one knows who took it.
377
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,840
And locals are furious.
378
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,000
They are furious.
379
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,560
It stood on a Exmouth
nature reserve since 1909
380
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:50,400
and according to ITV news,
it has been...
381
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:54,720
Let's have another look at the pole.
382
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:55,560
Let's have another look at the pole.
383
00:17:55,640 --> 00:18:00,000
On Tripadvisor, there is a suggested
visiting duration of...
384
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:00,720
On Tripadvisor, there is a suggested
visiting duration of...
385
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,640
It is 119 years old.
386
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:08,720
It's actually just announced
387
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:12,320
it's running for President
of the United States.
388
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:15,600
Who has been most vocal
about its removal?
389
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:16,920
There is an appreciation society.
390
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:21,040
The Exmouth Rusty Pole Society
has been up in arms.
391
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:25,520
Co-founder Robyn Trigger-Glover
told reporters...
392
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:26,280
Co-founder Robyn Trigger-Glover
told reporters...
393
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:34,000
Adding...
394
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:34,320
Adding...
395
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,640
Society member Mike Menhenitt
is devastated as well.
396
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,920
Here he is...
397
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,120
I remember it from my childhood here
from the 1950s, playing with it.
398
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,640
And it is such a shame.
399
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,120
Why has it gone?
400
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,000
It is a landmark.
401
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,720
Perhaps they were not aware
of the importance of this pole
402
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,280
to the people of the town.
403
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,640
It has been here since 1909
with the Council deciding
404
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:02,000
that they ought to have some...
405
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,880
So we would like it
reinstated, please.
406
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:10,120
Why has he pretended to be a vicar?
407
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,720
What have locals done as a tribute?
408
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,000
Have they laid flowers in its place?
409
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,160
Shall we take a look?
410
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,440
Yes.
411
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,080
Well, the group would love to see
the pole reinstated,
412
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:23,680
but they have found a piece
of concrete at least, which,
413
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,600
I believe was left behind,
maybe as a base for a plaque
414
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:31,400
in memory of the rusty pole.
415
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:31,800
in memory of the rusty pole.
416
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:37,760
Does it say - rust in peace?
417
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:37,960
Does it say - rust in peace?
418
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:41,720
APPLAUSE.
419
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,280
Very good, very good.
420
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:46,920
Very good, very good.
421
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,640
This is a rusty sewer vent
pole in Exmouth that
422
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:50,600
isn't there any more.
423
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:55,080
According to one
newspaper, the pole...
424
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:59,000
Well, that is Devon for you.
425
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,920
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
426
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,400
Just one between you, this week.
427
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:03,440
Your four are...
428
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,480
Elon Musk.
429
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:05,480
Donald Trump.
430
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:06,520
Boris Johnson.
431
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,600
And car parks.
432
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,800
Oh, I don't know where
to begin with this.
433
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,720
Maybe you think about what happened
to Elon Musk recently.
434
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,200
So, his rocket exploded on launch.
435
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:21,240
It happens to all of us.
436
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,040
Is it a computing malfunction?
437
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:25,240
Well, you are in the right area.
438
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,480
They have all had
problems with technology.
439
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,360
Apart from car parks
which will have problems
440
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,400
with technology in the future.
441
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:33,400
Why?
442
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,640
How do we know that?
443
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:35,920
Well...
444
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,760
Why don't we do
something about that?!
445
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,400
Nothing to do with driverless cars
or electric cars or something?
446
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,120
It is to do with electric cars.
447
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,160
They are heavier.
448
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,360
They are heavier, cars are heavier.
449
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,560
And what does that mean?
450
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,600
Oh!
451
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:49,640
It means that...
452
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,080
They are going to fall
through the multistorey car park.
453
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,040
AUDIENCE GASPS.
454
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:54,120
Yes!
455
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,560
According to research,
multistorey car parks...
456
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,280
There are actual murmurs
in the audience.
457
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,200
According to research,
multistorey car parks will struggle
458
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,560
with the increased number
of electric cars on the road
459
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,240
because they are much
heavier than their
460
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,280
fossil fuel-burning counterparts.
461
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:09,160
That is according
to lead scientist...
462
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:09,560
That is according
to lead scientist...
463
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:15,480
Mr Whapples confirmed that...
464
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:23,640
Stop touching cars, Chris.
465
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,480
Let's stick with parking.
466
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:26,520
Why...
467
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:31,440
Can we change the title of this
programme to - Who Gives A Lock?
468
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:31,800
Can we change the title of this
programme to - Who Gives A Lock?
469
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:35,680
APPLAUSE.
470
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,560
Every car park in the world
is on the brink of collapse
471
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,800
and there you are in your bubble!
472
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,240
Yeah!
473
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,680
As Teslas fall from the sky!
474
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:47,880
Yeah!
475
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,520
Why might a car park
in China not live up to
476
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:51,560
some driver's expectations?
477
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:52,600
Because it is dead!
478
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,480
I don't know, I don't care!
479
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:56,920
I'm pretending!
480
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,440
Yeah, I know.
481
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:03,000
But I've been here 33 years,
how do you think I feel?
482
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:04,040
I don't know.
483
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,440
If I had empathy,
I would give it a go.
484
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:07,880
Yeah!
485
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:09,120
An English teacher...
486
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,720
Yeah!
487
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:13,760
..based in the Hanjiang...
488
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:14,760
Yeah!
489
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:15,840
..Of Yangzhou...
490
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:16,880
You know that district?
491
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:17,920
Yeah, absolutely.
492
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,480
..spotted this sign leading to a
car park which offered...
493
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:23,160
..spotted this sign leading to a
car park which offered...
494
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,200
OK, and you claim you don't care!
495
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,400
Yeah!
496
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,520
Emergency porking, it is a sign
that is directing you to Liz Truss,
497
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:34,160
who is doing a trade deal.
498
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,840
Now, what technology challenges
does Boris Johnson face?
499
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,760
He shouldn't have any challenges,
he spent all that money
500
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:41,200
on Jennifer Arcuri, didn't he?
501
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:42,560
Yeah, he took IT lessons.
502
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:44,520
He should be an expert by now.
503
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,440
During his Covid isolation -
tough times for Boris -
504
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,600
the former Prime Minister kept
accidentally disconnecting from Zoom
505
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:54,320
and had no idea how to rejoin.
506
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:54,840
and had no idea how to rejoin.
507
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,640
Therefore his aides set up...
508
00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:01,760
So that...
509
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:01,880
So that...
510
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:06,920
Also his relationship strategy.
511
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:11,280
APPLAUSE.
512
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,440
What problems did Elon
Musk have this week?
513
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,160
Well, Phil mentioned
his rocket blowing up.
514
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,160
Yes.
515
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,560
Well, SpaceX did their very best
to own the situation
516
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:23,000
with a spokesperson describing
the explosion as...
517
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:23,800
with a spokesperson describing
the explosion as...
518
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:28,480
How has Donald Trump shown he is not
great with technology this week?
519
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,840
It is Truth Social,
his own personal social media.
520
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,600
Yes.
521
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:36,000
His own social media channel,
which is Truth Social that he set up
522
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:41,080
after being banned from Twitter has
made the former president...
523
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:41,240
after being banned from Twitter has
made the former president...
524
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:45,560
One of Donald Trump's
most popular fundraising
525
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:50,200
vehicles is registered as...
526
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:54,880
"Inc" presumably standing
for - incarcerated.
527
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:55,200
"Inc" presumably standing
for - incarcerated.
528
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:58,200
Time now for the Omitting Words
round, which this week features
529
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:02,320
as its guest publication,
Natterchat, the newsletter for
530
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:05,040
amphibian and reptile enthusiasts.
531
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:09,760
We start with...
532
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:10,200
We start with...
533
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,280
Mars rover too far away
to care what is happening
534
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:18,280
on earth after losing
will to live.
535
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:18,480
on earth after losing
will to live.
536
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,920
And I know how it feels!
537
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:26,360
Mars rover...
538
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:27,840
Oh, no, it is not lonely!
539
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:29,040
It is not lonely...
540
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:30,760
And it hasn't got a pet rock!
541
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:31,840
It is on Mars,
542
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,760
it's a rocky planet,
get another one!
543
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:37,440
Mars rover does have a pet
rock and it is lonely!
544
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:39,400
That is a headline.
545
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:40,800
What happened to the pet rock?
546
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,240
Did it die?!
547
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,280
Have a look.
548
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,400
This is this is the Mars rover
and it has lost its unexpected
549
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:49,480
travelling companion...
550
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:50,560
LAUGHS.
551
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:51,520
A small rock...
552
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:52,560
This is it news!
553
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:53,640
Don't...
554
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,280
You are talking
about pain here, Paul.
555
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,320
I am!
556
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:58,560
Pain 8 million miles
away on a dead planet.
557
00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,680
I know how it feels.
558
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,840
Here is the rock.
559
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:03,880
AUDIENCE: Aww!
560
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,240
No, no!
561
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,240
Who made that noise?
Who made that noise?
562
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,040
About a piece of rock on Mars?
563
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,200
Admit it, Paul, now that you have
seen it, you are actually moved.
564
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,120
No, he isn't.
565
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,400
I didn't realise the
relationship was that close.
566
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,560
Next...
567
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:26,280
Heavily biased towards Capricorns.
568
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:26,720
Heavily biased towards Capricorns.
569
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:32,640
Well, it says...
570
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:32,840
Well, it says...
571
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:34,880
It says?
572
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,120
Yes!
573
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:40,480
The goat said...
574
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:43,480
This is Billy the Psychic Goat.
575
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,240
Here is Billy in action.
576
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,040
Answering the question -
577
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:53,640
has there been much
news round this week?
578
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:54,680
That's true.
579
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:59,200
Next...
580
00:25:59,240 --> 00:25:59,880
Next...
581
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:05,600
# You've got to get
with my friends #.
582
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:06,440
# You've got to get
with my friends #.
583
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,240
Then...
584
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:09,560
Oh, get a life.
585
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:12,000
You really are getting...
586
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,480
If you really want to capture...
587
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,400
And it doesn't sound
like you really do.
588
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,600
No, I don't.
589
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,240
It is unclear whether you should be
on the sponge or the toad
590
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,480
should be on the sponge.
591
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:31,360
I think you've got to be sitting
on the sponge to get
592
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:32,840
the activity to be of interest.
593
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:33,880
Finally...
594
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:38,520
Yeah, finally!
595
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:39,080
Yeah, finally!
596
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:44,400
SNP accountant, Nicola Sturgeon
and bags of cash...
597
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,040
AUDIENCE GROANS.
598
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:48,960
That is definitely true.
599
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:52,480
The answer is...
600
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:59,400
Here's what the police found
in the back of the car.
601
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,520
He is coked up to his eyeballs.
602
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,400
Yeah.
603
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:09,640
So the final scores are Ian
and Marina have four,
604
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,880
Paul and Phil also have four.
605
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:12,880
Wahey!
606
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:17,400
APPLAUSE.
607
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:21,760
But before we go, there is just time
for the Caption Competition.
608
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:26,040
Can you tell me the best
way to Cockfosters?
609
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:29,840
Are you going to the arsenal?
610
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,600
APPLAUSE.
611
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:35,280
On which note, we say thank
you to our panelists -
612
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,480
Ian Hislop and Marina Purkiss,
Paul Merton and Phil Wang.
613
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,640
And I leave you with news
that in Peterborough,
614
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:42,840
there is a slight overreaction
to the local council
615
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:47,600
changing its blue lid recycling bin
day from Tuesdays to Wednesdays.
616
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:48,000
changing its blue lid recycling bin
day from Tuesdays to Wednesdays.
617
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:54,400
An awkward moment at a holiday
resort as two guests are forced
618
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:59,280
to make small talk after recognising
each other from work.
619
00:27:59,320 --> 00:27:59,640
to make small talk after recognising
each other from work.
620
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:03,880
And at a maternity ward
in Hartlepool,
621
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,040
an urgent investigation is launched
622
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:09,920
after a baby tried to climb
back inside its mother.
623
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:10,240
after a baby tried to climb
back inside its mother.
624
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,160
Good night.
625
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:20,480
APPLAUSE.
626
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,160
I would like to apologise
here and now if there was anything
627
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:56,520
I said that I gave
the impression I didn't care
628
00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:59,000
about the Mars rover story.