This program me contains some strong language.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong.
In the news this week, at a working men's club
in Gillingham, celebrations as one man finally
manages to shift the stubborn blockage in the gents' toilets.
Wow.
Despite a severe lack of funds, Russia goes ahead with testing
the durability of its lead astronaut for the next Soyuz launch.
And with reports that the Coronation will cost an estimated £100 million,
William and Kate reveal how much the royal family
will be contributing.
APPLAUSE
On tan's team tonight is a Sunday Times journalist
who claims she used to attend four or five parties a night,
which is why Boris Johnson still calls her
the lockdown lightweight.
Please welcome Camilla Long!
APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian from Yorkshire who says
it's true that everyone up there is always complaining
about the price of things.
Well, apart from that nice Mr and Mrs Sunak up at the big house.
Please welcome Maisie Adam.
APPLAUSE
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week,
Paul and Maisie, Have a look at this.
OK. Yes.
People celebrating.
I'm going to need a drink to get through this.
Fresher's Week in the care home.
Yeah.
That's the Stone of Scone I think it's called.
Prank calling Meghan again.
Yep.
Oh, there's Prince Andrew.
I think perhaps Prince Andrew, the Bible would have caught fire.
So this is the Coronation, which is going to be happening
soon, I believe.
I'm not sure when, but...
No, really?!
Yeah. Sometime this year.
Oh, they should mention it.
They should.
So it's going to be happening and that's what it is.
Next question.
Well, the Archbishop of Canterbury has asked everyone to make
a gesture during the ceremony...
So that's...
Some people are... Paul's got his ready.
Yeah.
Oh. Is this pledging allegiance?
Mm-hm. We get a line, don't we?
We do.
Would you like me to tell you what it is?
These are the words of the oath we'll be asked to pledge to
Oh, it's nice and jovial, isn't it?
Yeah.
I also think it's very hard to say "So help me God"
and not sound sarcastic.
Yeah.
"So help me God".
Yeah.
It's what your mum says before she absolutely bollocks you
for not doing your homework.
Yeah.
I mean, this is an attempt to extend it to the populace.
Originally, that oath was purely for members of the aristocracy.
You've got all the people who actually owned the land
and had the money to say to you, I won't kill you,
I won't kill your heirs.
Well, I might...
What happens if you do?
He's not going to go. "But you promised!"
Yeah.
Do we get a cue to do this?
Is the archbishop going to go, "All together now!"?
Will you be holding up one of these?
It'll be a little bouncing orb.
Yeah.
One big acapella group. Yeah.
Do you think Charles is sort of aiming for it to sort
of be repeated in classrooms and things like that?
Like they do in America.
I think it's a branding thing.
So yes, now we know what to say to sort of identify ourselves
as British people.
I don't like the idea of that,
like a seven year old showing allegiance.
It's like when you see a kid at a wedding in a trilby hat.
It's not right.
You wait till you see what they're wearing at the Coronation.
The Queen's Coronation in 1953 was about
three and a bit hours long.
It went on and on and on and on. What have they done to...?
Well, they've cut all these aristocrats
pledging their allegiance.
So it's only William.
That's right.
Pledges his allegiance at that moment.
Yes, that's right.
Prince William will be the only person, in fact,
to kneel before the King, pledging to be his father's...
“Liegeman of life and limb...
It's like somebody got hold of a dictionary and just turned
to the letter I.
Yeah.
And they haven't bothered with the rest of it.
Getting your limbs involved.
It's medieval.
It means that you say that you will give both your life and your arms
because there was a sword-based democracy!
Is there an order to that?
Because I'd give you arms first, then your life.
Because you did it the other way round.
Yeah, you're right.
The arms could just be... Anybody could pick them up.
Yeah. You're right.
It's very badly written. Should be limb and life.
Yeah. The homage of the people.
They're policing this, this element of the service.
Yes.
Which was the act of hereditary peers, which would have seen
over 800 individuals kneeling in turn before the monarch
to kiss his right cheek.
LAUGHTER
What has his left cheek done to annoy him?
Now, some people aren't happy about the oath of allegiance.
There's an anti-monarchist group, Republic, for example.
Spokesman said, in a democracy, it's the head of state
that should swear allegiance to us.
This is an offensive and tone-deaf gesture and holds
the people in contempt.
Or as these Celtic fans put it...
APPLAUSE
As part of the BBC impartiality,
do you think they'll have to have that on Songs of Praise?
There is a planned protest by 1600 anti-monarchists.
Yes.
Something might affect them. Do you know what that might be?
The Public Order Act?
Yes, that's right.
New Public Order Act came into force this week,
interfering with key infrastructure such as roads,
railways could now result in up to 12 months in jail.
Yes.
Anyone attaching themselves to an immovable object...
Like a member of the House of Lords.
Yes.
Or the Stone of Scone.
Yes. Because he sits on top of it.
He does stone the Stone of Destiny. We've told you about this already.
Yes.
I'm convinced you lot have gone for a drink before -
"let's see how much Maisie believes."
The first bit's right.
Stone of?
No, we went for a drink before.
It's an ancient stone that used to be used in the crowning
Scottish kings, and so it's brought down from Scotland
where it's been returned.
I think once the Stone of Scone appears,
the Keltic fans are going to change their mind.
They go by "Celtic".
Celtic.
Well, just for balance, I'll say I really like Rah-ngers!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Fixing yourself to an immovable object is called "locking on".
Police have given new powers to search for
"super glue and padlocks".
They'll need another plan to prevent Andrew getting out of the palace.
Why was Jacob Rees-Mogg's show on GB News taken off air?
Because it was rubbish.
Yeah.
Wasn't there some kind of attack on the palace?
There was exactly that.
Did it coincide with that?
He was broadcasting, I don't know why,
from a Portakabin outside Buckingham Palace with former BBC
royal correspondent Michael Cole.
Rees-Mogg was told that there was a security alert
and they were to evacuate. Let's see what happens next.
We're just getting the latest word from the Metropolitan Police,
and I don't know what it is, but we're going to have to evacuate now.
The police are live with us now.
I guess that we've got to evacuate.
I don't see how why we could possibly have to move.
So I'm very sorry to say that it is good evening from me
for the time being, as I think that was probably a controlled
explosion in the background. That's what it sounded like to me.
You can see they waste no money on set design.
It looks like an Am-Dram production of Line of Duty.
Yes.
Where were they meant to go?
Outside, nearer the bomb!
Jacob Rees-Mogg has NOT been invited to Westminster Abbey, but according
to the Times...
Better turn it on now if he wants those valves to warm up!
What did Jacob Rees-Mogg recently describe as "disgusting"?
Northerners?
Yeah.
Oh, the Coronation Coronation Quiche.
That's right.
He said that the Coronation quiche was "not very nice".
I don't think it's at all related to him not being invited
to the Coronation. Nothing to do with that at all.
To complicate the discussion even further,
the dish was chosen by the royal chef,
Mark Flanagan.
So staying with quiche, shall we have a bit of quiche fun?
No, look.
No, no, no. Go on then.
Oh, come on.
We're going to do a quick round-up of other coronation news
with Through the Quiche-hole.
Oh.
Can I withdraw my enthusiasm?!
OK. Here is your first one.
Let's go through the Quiche-hole.
Oh.
BUZZER
Yes, I think it's Princess Anne.
Yeah.
I really should keep up with the news.
I had no idea.
Princess Anne has said this week that she doesn't agree
with Prince Charles that the monarchy should be slimmed down.
Mm-hm.
She must have been bottling this up for years.
And finally, her brother's becoming king.
Yes.
So the first thing you say is, "I'd like a slimmed down monarchy".
"No, no, I don't."
I mean, she is a difficult woman.
She does insist on being surrounded by out of focus people.
Her comments were described by GB News as
"an extraordinary shot across the bowels".
OK.
Fingers on buzzers as once again we go Through the Quiche-hole.
FANFARE
Oh, it's McDonald's!
I think I can probably guess.
McDonald's is trying to piggyback
on the Coronation by producing some tat.
Mm-hm. That's it.
That is not tat, that is beautiful.
Look at that.
Stunning.
McDonald's has launched a limited edition
nine carat gold signet ring.
That doesn't sound very McDonald's.
No.
Signet ring with your plastic toy.
AS KING CHARLES: Ah, very good.
Butlin's is offering a free mini break at a resort of your choice.
But what's the catch?
Charles and Camilla will go with you.
You nearly had it.
You only get one if your name is Charles or Camilla.
Stop it.
No!
Can I just tell you, it was not fun being a Camilla in the 1990s.
My mother chose my name thinking it was the most lovely
and fragrant name in the world.
Literally "slapper"” all through the '90s.
Sorry, don't broadcast that.
It's fine if you just now say "slap consort".
It makes it all better.
This is Saturday's coronation, where Saturday night.
I'm making a note of that.
Towards the end of the ceremony, the Archbishop will invite the public
to recite the oath of allegiance to our new king.
There are a number of TV celebrities on the Coronation guest list,
including Bear Grylls, Jay Blades and Ant and Dec.
Holly and Phil will also be up there at the front,
even though they haven't been invited.
There was drama leading up to the Coronation when there
were reports of a controlled explosion inside Buckingham Palace.
Presumably when Charles got a text from Meghan saying she could make
it after all.
Ian and Camilla,
have a look at this.
Oh, here we are.
Reservoir Dogs remake.
Nope.
Can't hear.
There's Simon Case with his case.
Sue Gray.
So this is trouble in the civil service.
After the removal of the BBC chairman.
No, he resigned in good faith in order to protect the BBC.
He wasn't removed, sacked, fired or dispensed with.
The focus moved on to Simon Case, who's the Cabinet secretary,
and his role in appointing this man because he'd facilitated a loan
for Boris Johnson.
And people said, Well, what's the point of the Cabinet Office
if it just doesn't stop these things happening?
And then they looked at Simon Case's record,
and it's not very good.
He seems to be at the source of quite a lot of stuff.
Yes.
And the reason he's in the news is he's ordered an inquiry
into Sue Gray, who herself, you probably remember,
was doing an inquiry into Boris.
Yes.
So people are saying, hang on, you can't inquire
into her when she's inquired to you.
Don't make any sense.
This is your Desperate Housewives, isn't it?
But yes, this is I mean, most specifically over the row
over the government's attempts to stop the party gate investigator
Sue Gray getting a job with Keir Starmer.
Case was the person who BBC Chairman Richard Sharpe had suggested
was the best man for a wealthy donor to talk
to about lending Boris £800,000.
Who did lend Boris £800,000 to him?
We don't know.
Why did he need £800,0007
Well, that's, you know, go far with that number
of gold wallpaper.
Why would Boris need all this money?
Yes.
I was asking you.
You just had a very funny joke about all the children and walking
over it with some clap.
He would need it for all his children, lan.
The local elections are happening right now as we speak.
Why are the Conservatives predicting they will lose 1000 seats?
Because they're optimists.
APPLAUSE
I think they're trying to let us down gently.
Or themselves.
Yes, then if they lose less than 1000 seats,
they can claim a small victory.
It's a bit like the captain of the Titanic saying New York's not
a very nice place to be.
What's Keir Starmer allegedly calling his gang,
his loyal soldiers?
Oh, the Stormtroopers.
No, that's not right.
Is it?
The St arm troopers.
Yes, of course.
I think he's just surrounded by people telling him that what he does
is absolutely brilliant.
Like picking names like Starmtrooper.
Yeah, great.
Yeah.
You know, absolutely.
We've nailed the anti-Semitism business.
Let's get the St arm troopers in and show them.
Not good.
According to The Spectator, all those standing for Labour's top
100 election targets are being thoroughly vetted
and the strategy is no more piss poor candidates.
What you need as a local politician is to feel that the party bigwigs
are absolutely interested in your area.
Absolutely.
Have you seen Rishi Sunak's video in support of the local football
team in Stockton on Tees?
I've watched nothing else for the last three days.
Let's watch it again.
Look at this inspirational message.
Oh, God.
Your local MP, Matt Vickers, has been telling me about all the action
down at Bishey Road, the exciting semi final play off,
and how Mikey Roberts brought the nail-biting penalty shoot-out
to an end.
I understand you've got some of the best and loudest fans around.
Now Stockton is right behind you, and the town couldn't be prouder.
I just wanted to wish you the very best of luck in today's final.
Good luck The Anchors!
That voice I've only ever heard elsewhere.
Nightclub DJs.
You know when they shout over the track and go shout out to Helen
for her birthday tonight.
First girl to bring a bra up to the D) booth gets a free shot.
It's that.
Shall we have some local election fun?
Oh, please!
Let's do that.
The evening's crying out for it.
OK.
Right, what is wrong with this?
Oh, no, the bottom half of that man isn't there.
Absolutely right.
Yeah.
He photoshopped himself into a meeting, but seems
to have obliterated his arm and both his legs.
Very ironically, you can't see his hands, although there's
loads on the wall behind him.
Those aren't his real hands, are they, that Photoshop
has put on the wall?
No.
Those are limbs that people have pledged.
Oh.
Pledge limbs!
Pledge limbs.
He is known
as
the
godfather
of
Al.
He is known as the godfather of Al. He
He is known as the godfather of Al. He resigned
from
his
job
at
Google
He resigned from his job at Google this
week.
He
said
he
found
the
this week. He said he found the dangers
of
Al
chat
bots
quite
scary,
dangers of Al chat bots quite scary, adding
I'm
not
that
optimistic
adding I'm not that optimistic because
I
don't
know
any
examples
of
because I don't know any examples of more
intelligent
things
being
more intelligent things being controlled
by
less
intelligent
controlled by less intelligent things.
He
should
try
living
in
things. He should try living in Britain!
Yes, this is the inquiry into Sue Gray's move from the civil
service to a key role in the Labour Party.
The Guardian has reported that Sue Gray is looking for a new way
to catapult herself into a top job.
I'd try arranging an £800,000 loan for the Prime Minister.
That seems to work.
Did you say crime minister?
I did, didn't I?
I'm sorry.
It was good.
Why are you sorry, Crime Minister?
Don't do it again.
Just leave it.
Nobody will notice.
This week, Donald Trump made a flying visit to one
of his golf clubs in Scotland.
The disgraced former leader who's currently under police
investigation couldn't meet him as she was in her camper van.
Which means it's now time for the Odd One Out round.
Ian and Camilla, your four are - Ed Sheeran.
Yes.
A Royal Navy cadet.
Rebekah Vardy.
And Liz Truss.
It's good to see her back.
Ed Sheeran has just done a court case in New York, hasn't he,
about plagiarizing something?
Rebekah Vardy is the odd one out because her court case has
been turned into a play.
Well, Rebekah Vardy is the odd one out, but why?
Liz Truss was accused of stealing the entire country's resources.
Didn't she...
She stole bath robes, though, didn't she?
Yes.
It's all to do with stealing.
And I think she stole the slippers as well, which is pathetic.
They've all been accused of nicking stuff apart from Rebekah Vardy,
who took someone else's phrase and trademarked it because she has
trademarked Wagatha Christie.
Yes.
In 2022, Vardy lost a High Court libel case against her fellow
footballer's wife, Coleen Rooney.
But last month she revealed that in order to recoup
the cost of her legal fees, Vardy had trademarked
the phrase Wagatha Christie.
Even though it was someone else's joke.
Yeah.
A comedian, Dan Atkinson, according to The Observer,
tweeted the phrase in October 2019.
He's considered taking legal action just to get Vardy
and Rooney's back in court, which would at least give
the courtroom artist another chance at capturing Wayne's likeness.
You were there, though?
Yes, I was.
Were you in the Wagatha Christie courtroom?
Did you find her convincing?
No.
She was quite entertaining, though.
She was...
It was very amusing watching the barristers having to read out
these unbelievably rude text messages in, you know.
And then she said, That BLEEP can lock off.
What am I doing here?
ITV News reported that Vardy's trademark registration listed
a number of fashion items like T-shirts, but also included
some unexpected objects, like a drinking horn.
What was Ed Sheeran accused of nicking?
Some music.
That's right.
He'd been accused of ripping off Marvin Gaye's song
Let's Get It On with his track Thinking Out Loud.
What did Ed Sheeran try to do to help his case?
Oh, he got on the stand, didn't he?
No.
He wrote a song called Let It Be.
Jury, you had one job.
What did a Royal Navy cadet recently take that they shouldn't have taken?
Submarine.
Torpedo tubes.
It was revealed that documents marked sensitive and which included
details about nuclear submarine HMS Anson were found in
a Wetherspoons toilet.
The Sun stated anyone could have found them.
It was lucky it wasn't a deep cover Russian spy.
Even Russian spies know when somewhere is too dangerous.
What has Liz Truss been accused of nicking?
Bathrobes.
Yes, that's right.
This week the former prime minister was sent a bill
by the Cabinet Office for her summer stay at the state-owned Chevening
estate, which included costs for a missing set
of bathrobes and slippers.
The costs incurred at the house came to £12,000, with the bill mostly
covering hospitality, which happened during preparations
for her premiership.
She prepared.
APPLAUSE.
Paul and Maisie, your four are: Rishi Sunak.
Auric Goldfinger.
Vladimir Putin.
And Choupette, the cat.
Is the cat the clue?
Putin has cats, Rishi Sunak"s got a cat.
Larry the cat.
It's to do with how Choupette likes to get about.
He uses only private jets and so does Goldfinger.
Rishi Sunak goes on private jets.
Putin doesn't go on a private jet because he's scared to.
Yes.
Yes!
Absolutely right.
Yes.
They all love flying on private jets apart from Vladimir Putin,
who will only travel by train around Russia.
I always wonder about that whistle they tell you to blow
when you are in a plane crash, when you crash into the sea, blow
this whistle to attract attention.
As if a jumbo jet flying into the sea...
Nobody will notice that.
But they hear a whistle.
Oh, hello.
According to an interview with a senior Russian security
officer who defected last year, Putin is so paranoid
about his presidential plane being tracked that he now travels
around Russia on a secret railway network.
Oh, I like the sound of that.
According to Russian defector Gleb Karakulov,
the train cannot be tracked on any information resource.
Yes, as we all know from National Rail inquiries.
They had a drone attack on the Kremlin.
Well, exactly.
I mean, that's just this week.
Let's just have a quick look at it.
Putin alleges this is an assassination
attempt by the Ukrainians.
That's a Frisbee.
Sorry.
I mean, it's only an assassination attempt if he's sitting on the roof.
Why has Rishi Sunak got into trouble over use of private jets?
Because he takes loads of them.
Yeah.
At taxpayers cost.
He has been called out for his hypocrisy over his
environmental policy.
After a Cabinet Office document revealed that last year
the Prime Minister spent over £500,000 of taxpayers money
on private jet trips abroad in less than a fortnight.
Could they just pop him into a jiffy bag and post him?
In the Bond film of the same name, Goldfinger is killed when he's
sucked out of the window of his private jet
piloted by Pussy Galore.
That's the way to go.
In the original novel, Pussy Galore was a lesbian trapeze artist.
I say lesbian.
She swung both ways.
Somebody's been saving that joke up since 1964.
Choupette The Cat is a frequent flyer, was formerly
owned by Karl Lagerfeld.
Here is Choupette travelling as she likes to.
What a life!
I know.
Is that a meringue?
It's coronation quiche.
According to Harper's Bazaar, Choupette travels the world
by private jet, accompanied by highly-paid chefs,
bodyguards and maids.
And they will continue to do so for as long as that cat lives.
Or at least one that looks very much like it.
The Met Gala was in honour of Karl Lagerfeld.
One tribute was paid.
Choupette obviously didn't turn up, but an actor decided to come
as her representative, Jared Leto.
Here he is.
Here he is walking down the red carpet.
Although one spectator wasn't all that impressed.
Time now for The Missing Words Round, which features this week
as its guest publication, Chicken and Egg Magazine.
The magazine all about rehoming, commercial laying hens.
And there's a special edition out this month,
Coronation Chicken and Egg Magazine.
And we start with what caused drains in Bradford to overflow.
Discarded puddings.
It is two toupees.
Two toupees.
This is the news that multiple gardens were flooded in Bradford
this week after a resident flushed two full-sized wigs down the loo.
Here are the toupees.
Which raises just one question, who was Michael Fabricant's friend?
Next, contortionist from London says, what?
Can you tell me the best way to turn 'em green?
This puts me in a very difficult position.
Contortionist from London says pet chickens are
great training partners.
Well, are you going to have to explain that one.
This is Pixie from London, training with her chicken companions.
It's nice to see the chickens turning the tables,
taking a leg each.
Police find Boris Johnson what?
Unfortunately.
| was just going to say guilty.
No, that's better.
Police find Boris Johnson is not drunk driver in the Netherlands.
That's not true.
This is the news that a drunk driver in the Netherlands handed over
a fake ID with Boris Johnson's name and picture.
Here it is.
It's quite convincing that, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good.
Can you take that to the voting booth?
Police realised immediately it wasn't Boris Johnson
as the suspect admitted he was in the wrong and apologised.
So the final scores are Paul and Maisie have six,
lan and Camilla have seven.
But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
Paul and Maisie, get that.
Pandas at Chester Zoo attempt to sober up after a morning
of bottomless bamboo.
That one on the left really looks like it's going, and then I said,
if you think my van's dirty, you should see me wife.
Ian and Camilla have this.
You're tired.
On which note we say thank you to our panelists,
lan Hislop and Camilla Long, Paul Merton and Maisie Adam.
APPLAUSE
And I leave you with news that coders at the dating app Tinder
admit they need to make a few more adjustments to their new algorithm.
In preparation for their duet at the Coronation concert,
Ed Sheeran and Boy George get some rehearsing in.
Surely Mick Hucknall.
And world hunger could be a thing of the past after Italian scientists
work out how to 3D print a lasagne.
Good night.