This program me contains very strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Diane Morgan. In the news this week -
whilst receiving an honorary degree in Portsmouth University,
Penny Mordaunt displays once again the measured performance
that won her praise during the Coronation.
At a rally to celebrate Labour's crushing victory
in the local elections,
there's concern that the prospect of a return to power
is going to Ed Miliband's head.
And at a crowded party in Westminster,
there's embarrassment as someone mistakenly reacts
to the shout of "Hey, sexy knickers!"
On tan's team tonight is a political correspondent
whose show on Times Radio includes a segment
where random guests take part in the quiz,
Can You Get To Number Ten?
Which seemed like a fun idea until Liz Truss won.
Please welcome Matt Chorley.
APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
who was born in California, moved to New York City
and now lives in Peckham.
Finally living the dream.
Please welcome Desiree Burch.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Paul and Desiree, take a look at this.
Right, yes, now, don't tell me.
Don't know who that is.
But he could not be happier to get the heck out of there.
Yeah, he's gone and...
Oh, Coachella! Yeah.
Is it the Coronation?
“Is it the Coronation?" We can only hope.
It's hardly Crufts, is it?
Unless it's gone upmarket.
So, yes, this is the, what's it called? The Coronation.
Yes. Did you enjoy it?
What, all seven and a half hours? Every minute of it.
This is the news that six members
of the anti-monarchist group Republic were arrested
and held for 16 hours on the day of the Coronation.
Yes. Oh, yeah.
Why were the protesters surprised at being arrested?
Well, they had liaised with the police, hadn't they?
They'd said, "Oh, we're not going to protest.
"We're just going to stand around saying, 'Not my king"."
And the police arrested them on the morning of the Coronation
and then locked them up for 16 hours
and said, "Oh, sorry. Didn't mean it."
Yeah. Yeah.
I haven't been following the news...
We managed to pass a law, I think it was the day before,
called the Public Order Act, which meant that they could arrest them
overnight and for the purposes of the Coronation, let them go
the next morning with an apology.
And they were worried they might strap themselves to a lamppost,
which obviously would have really upset the King,
as he went past in his gold coach.
He'd have thought, "It's such a lovely day,
"but there's somebody over there tied to a lamppost.”
Andrew, I think!
"Not my brother” on the...
Which items did police officers confiscate from protesters?
Whistles? Not whistles.
Rape alarms?
The Metropolitan Police, given its recent history
with women and violence, thought this was a good time
to confiscate some rape alarms.
Well, there were also...
...which were taken from activists,
as they could scare the horses.
That was very unconvincing, wasn't it?
Because the rest of the commentators were saying,
"These horses are specially trained in combat situations
"to withstand loud noises."
One of them had a man playing a tuba on the back.
Yeah, and one of them had a man playing the drums.
Banging a drum.
But do not blow your whistle!
I mean, are they going to get pulled up for, like, gum
or, you know, like, shoelaces on their shoes,
like, anything that they could possibly lock on with?
Well, according to The Guardian,
one protester said he was arrested for...
So, to the Coronation itself.
All the Armed Forces were present.
Let's see one last-minute inspection.
He was locking on.
What was the main hiccup to proceedings?
He was there early and I believe...
As though I don't know absolutely!
The Prince and Princess of Wales were slightly late,
so Charles was stuck in the gold coach.
Just going round and round the block.
Round and round the block, killing time.
The one he went there in, that's the good one,
which has got air con and electric windows.
And there was all this stuff about the one
he went back to the palace in, which was weird.
And the gold coach, I mean, it really was very basic.
So uncomfortable to be encased in gold.
MATT: Being pulled by horses with a crown.
He should have got on the tube.
Yeah, Charles and Camilla arrived for their Coronation
six minutes early.
Here's what a Sky News lip reader interpreted Charles as saying.
I love the idea of these lip readers.
They'll make up anything!
I mean, in all the different newspapers
and television stations,
all the lip reading is slightly different.
And in that one, I think I read somewhere, he was saying,
"Read the Daily Mail. It's brilliant."
Who stole the show?
Oh, Penny Mordaunt.
Yes. She was carrying the Sword of State.
I interviewed her about it beforehand and she told me
she'd been doing press-ups.
I thought, "That's a lot of fuss, she's not in it very much.”
She was in it more than the King!
Myself, I would have prepared for carrying a sword
by carrying a sword.
She was slightly cheating.
She has got a thing around her neck that the sword was in.
So she's not really carrying it.
There's not, like, a ghost holding it from behind her neck,
she's still carrying it.
That's not a ghost, that's John Major behind her.
She had this costume made specially, which is based on the Privy Council.
No, this is based on the uniform of the Greek Airlines.
Yeah.
Or the Poundland logo.
This has meant that she's going to be the next Prime Minister.
Yes, yes. AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS
Someone cheered!
We can't rule out the possibility that if Liz Truss had done it,
she would have put the sword in her foot...
And then beheaded the King.
And then said she'd done nothing wrong.
Prince Harry didn't stay long,
returning to California for his son's fourth birthday party.
But Harry's had some good news this week.
Oh, er...
Oh, this'll be the Mirror hacking story?
Would that be it? That's right.
Piers Morgan, thankfully, knew nothing about it.
Now, you mustn't laugh at that,
because that's some sort of libel, isn't it,
if the audience laughs? No, you just carry on.
I just carry on?
He had an apology from Mirror Group newspapers for...
...by a private investigator wanting to know
what he was doing in a nightclub in 2004.
You need a private investigator to find that out?
Four shots, couple of Jagerbombs.
How easily that order trips from your lips.
The usual.
"The usual!"
Finally, thanks to a renewed focus on the royals,
who can now charge up to £1,000 an appearance?
Is it a lookalike?
That's right, it is a lookalike.
Here's King Charles.
I thought you said it was a lookalike.
No, it is a lookalike, but they haven't decided who of.
My favourite lookalike is this one.
DESIREE: Who is that?!
This is the Coronation of King Charles lll,
a day of pomp and pageantry which we won't see the like of
for, I don't know, maybe five years.
The Coronation ceremony featured ornaments
from many previous royal eras,
including an orb and sceptre dating back to Charles II,
a gold robe dating back to George V
and the Coronation ring,
which presumably dates back to Prince Albert.
King Charles has been criticised for the opulence of the Coronation
during a cost of living crisis. Here he is.
To be fair, cutbacks have been made.
He is only wearing one glove.
It's the weary expression of a man who's lost control of the cue ball
and now needs the rest if he's going to pot that tricky blue.
The royal family did their best
to make the Coronation a celebration of diversity.
Yes, the family are pretty white,
but many of the jewels that they wore
were stolen from Africa and India.
Here's Rishi Sunak with his wife arriving for the ceremony,
an event she later described
as "small but nice".
Ian and Matt, have a look at this.
Local elections.
Thumbs up - "I've found him!"
And that's a disappointing night.
Well, it didn't go so well for the Conservatives.
It was a triumph for expectation management.
The Conservatives came out and said, "We're going to lose 1,000 seats,"”
and they lost 1,063.
But they over-delivered, didn't they? Yeah.
It's the only thing they have done.
The only thing they have delivered. It's good news for Keir Starmer.
He's now on course for something.
But he wouldn't discuss a coalition with the Lib Dems.
And then the Conservatives got very, very cross and said,
"This is disgraceful.
"How can you run a country in coalition with the Lib Dems?"
It's the Lib Dems' big moment.
I don't know why everyone's not more excited.
Are you excited, Diane? Oh, yeah, look at me.
I'm beside myself.
Why wouldn't you want a coalition with the Lib Dems?
They're so good at visual metaphors, aren't they?
They are - do you have an example of their visual metaphors?
Yes, here's Lib Dem leader Ed Davey,
trying to convey that the Tories are running out of time.
Five, four, three, two, one!
CHEERING
Countdown"s really let itself go.
One of the biggest victories that Labour had was in Medway in Kent.
Do you want to see
the victorious Labour councillor Vince Maple's muted celebrations?
Yes, please.
It's good that they're reviving Bat Out Of Hell, though, isn't it?
What's Keir Starmer been warned to avoid - doing a what?
Doing a Neil Kinnock?
Yes. It's overconfidence.
Would you like to explain, lan,
for the younger viewers in their 50s?
Sheffield. Sheffield. 1992.
Yes, he doesn't want to be Kinnock.
He doesn't want to repeat history and get overconfident
and then lose and end up with another Tory government.
So he's been constrained and responsible and mature.
And really boring.
I feel it's so weird that people get down on him for being boring.
Like, after four years of the last guy we had in America,
I want my politicians to be boring.
You don't want your brain surgeon to be like,
"I'm a bit of a maverick, you know?"
You know what I mean? Like, let him be boring.
Well, I mean, you're doing well with your new President.
Yeah, he's barely conscious, it's perfect.
Back to humiliation for the Conservatives.
What happened in Plymouth?
It's where they cut all the trees down.
Cut down all the trees. And they got thrown out.
They were cut down themselves in turn.
To make way for some development,
the Conservative council had over 100 trees cut down,
which they did at night to avoid protests and negative publicity.
Well, that worked.
Local Conservative MP Johnny Mercer said...
Well, the ones that have chins will.
Do you want to see the official count
trying to explain the electoral disaster?
Yes, yeah.
We've seen that reflected in the results tonight.
But, you know, we take it on the chin
and, you know, we keep going forward...
DROWNED OUT BY CHEERING
...we need to redouble our efforts
and make sure we continue to work hard
for people here in Plymouth.
They held that extra long, just to see if he would cry.
He was so close.
What's Rishi Sunak trying to do with the NHS to appeal to voters?
Pretend he uses it?
Good answer.
He's trying to reduce the scramble for doctor's appointments
and give chemists more powers, what he calls...
Is that common as in plebby?
What kind of ailments will chemists be allowed to deal with?
They'll be able to prescribe antibiotics, won't they?
Well, it's not what I've got here.
No, no, you'll have to take it to another chemist, then.
Is it repeat prescriptions?
A bit Mary Poppins, isn't it, that?
What else will chemists be allowed to do?
Oh, I think you've just got this one.
Could it be anything to do with antibiotics?
Yes, it is. Is it?
It's a repeat prescription!
What has Rishi Sunak been stung by?
Has he been stung by criticism by Jacob Rees-Mogg?
It's criticism.
Is it the Archbishop? I was very keen on the Archbishop.
Is it him?
You were very keen on the Archbishop?
Because he was at Oxford with you, was he?
Oh, the Bish, was the old Bish...
No, theological college.
Theological college.
Did you ever link arms as you wandered across the quadrangle?
We did.
You've been locked on a couple of times.
We've been locked on.
With your mortar board at a coquettish angle.
Waving at the bursar.
It's almost as if you were there.
I was the mascot.
The answer is criticism of his use of private helicopters.
Oh, yes.
He flew to Southampton and back that he could have done in one
hours 15 on a train.
How long did it take in a helicopter?
40 minutes.
35 minutes.
He went the shorter way.
Rishi Sunak has been criticised for taking too many helicopters.
He was at it again on Saturday when his wife did a big shop
and he was given 50p to ride the one outside by the trolleys.
Following the disappointing local election results,
Conservative MP Craig Mackinlay was adamant that there
are still Tory voters out there, saying the problem is not
the Conservative switchers but the Conservative stay-at-homers.
That's according to one of the Conservative
clutching-at-strawers.
And so to round two, the jigsaw of news.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
It's a guy in a sexy bin.
What is this?
That's a sexy bin?
| mean, she's definitely got a, like, hey, partner, what's up?
Hop on!
This is the news that a man in Oxfordshire has built
a wheelie bin you can drive.
This is Kevin Nicks who has built the wheelie bin vehicle.
It has a top speed of eight miles per hour.
Let's have a look at Kevin and his bin in action.
He's doing more than eight miles an hour there.
And he's coming out of the pub.
Presumably he has to keep moving because if he stays still,
a lorry will come along and tip him up.
It's not good for your self-esteem, is it?
The only reason for driving that is to throw yourself away.
I don't know.
It looks like it might be a chick magnet.
I've seen worse cars.
I've gotten into worse cars.
What does Kevin plan to do next?
Get a girlfriend?
He's built cameras into the two front-facing corners of the bin.
So he'll be able to drive around with the lid closed.
That's not a good move.
Kevin says it's just a fun hobby, telling the press...
Have I got a piece of paper from the wife saying,
“I'm leaving you?" Yes.
What other things has Kevin built?
A bread bin that does ten miles an hour around the kitchen.
Tell us.
The world's fastest shed.
According to the Metro, Kevin takes his massive shed
to residents up at care homes.
Just what any care home resident wants to see -
a large wooden box.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
A bit of a giveaway, this one.
I think it's Putin.
Yes.
That's it.
Points, please.
This is a victory parade and it was scaled down
and there was one tank from the Second World War.
That's all he's got left.
One tank and then Kevin's motorised shed.
With a missile in the chimney.
Do you want to see that one tank?
Yes, please.
Is it simultaneously painting the yellow line down
the middle of the street?
He did have some other kit.
What else was part of the procession?
Princess Anne?
Let's have a look.
They're quiet, though, aren't they?
I can see why they're doing well in the Ukraine.
You can't hear them coming.
Oh, there's a missile. That's a big one.
Yeah.
Is that something else that Kevin's built?
The world's biggest pencil case.
What precautions did Putin take during the procession?
He wore a condom?
It wasn't him.
It's a lookalike.
That's right, yes.
£1,000 and he does Prince Charles as well.
But he's very paranoid now because the head
of his mercenary group, the Wagner group, is just
going on television saying he's useless and the war's being lost.
It's quite bad when you lose the mercenaries.
On you side.
Yes, it is bad, isn't it?
This is the victory parade in Moscow.
According to the Express, Putin used a body double
for parts of the parade.
So incredibly, the parade featured more Vladimir Putins than tanks.
Time for the odd one out round.
Just one one between you this week.
Yes.
You're four are King Charles...
...Jeremy Hunt...
...Penny Mordaunt...
...and Paul Daniels.
Right.
Paul Daniels, very popular magician over here.
OK.
Well, I guess the magician would have maybe had a sword
once in a magic act.
Yeah, absolutely.
Sawing somebody in half or cutting their head off or something.
Charles must have had...
There must have been a sword during the ceremony.
Jeremy Hunt's a prick.
Is that related or...?
I didn't know you read The Telegraph.
At the risk of being the Penny Mordaunt correspondent,
she was a magician's assistant.
Oh, you're right.
Penny Mordaunt is the odd one out because she's worked as a magician's
assistant and the other three have done magic themselves as magicians.
There you go.
Correct answer.
Whoa.
Well done.
And when did Penny Mordaunt dabble in magic?
At university.
Freshers' Week.
In her year off.
Er...
In order to pay for her studies, whilst at college she worked
as an assistant to the president of the Portsmouth Magical Society.
Oh, right.
Whose most famously attempted trick was to make Portsmouth appear
slightly more interesting.
What did she learn to do as a magician's assistant?
She made things disappear.
Huge majorities.
Mordaunt told The Bournemouth Echo that during her life she'd been sawn
in half and chopped to bits in several hotel ballrooms.
I missed that bit at the last Tory conference.
Where did Jeremy Hunt learn the skill?
when he was at uni?
What do they teach at British universities?
Don't ask me!
Did he appear at the Edinburgh Fringe, like,
40 years ago or something?
Did he?
No, I'm asking. I don't know.
It's not on here.
No, tell us, where did he?
He was head of his school's magic society.
Oh, yes.
It's here that he learned the art which he said requires
"confidence in presentation."
Especially if you're about to pronounce his surname.
Here is confident presenter Robert Peston making
a reasonable attempt at it.
So that means the hole in the public finances is bigger
than it would have been and Jeremy Cu...Hunt's cuts
will be more painful.
It happens a lot, doesn't it?
I don't know. Why doesn't he change his name?
And then people will call him Jeremy Hunt by mistake.
In 1975, the then Prince Charles was accepted into the Magic Circle
after performing the cup on ball trick.
Yes.
God, I hate magicians. Do you?
Yeah, can't bear them.
You think because they're trying to deceive you?
They're just boring.
I know they've spent a long time doing these tricks, but I just don't
feel anything inside.
No.
Why could Charles be relaxed about his cup and balls performance?
He was allowed to use his own cu...
It was reported that before he even attempted his trick,
the examiners had already signed the certificate to make him a member
of the Magic Circle.
A fix.
Here's Prince Charles performing a magic trick in front
of the signs of the zodiac.
He does look like he's doing a bingo call.
DOES KING CHARLES IMPRESSION All the sixes, 66.
Two fat ladies, 27.
Oh, house!
No, palace!
There's only one non-human member of the Magic Circle.
Does anyone know who it is?
Paddington Bear?
Nope.
Different sort of bear.
It's Sooty.
Ah.
Of course it is.
Who is this?
who is this!? | don't know.
It happens to be our Prime Minister during the Second World War!
We'd all be speaking German if it wasn't for him.
He's trying to do a Nazi salute as it is.
I was a big fan of Sooty when I was younger and I got to be
on the Sooty program me, some time sort of,
like, in the 1990s.
And Matthew Corbett, who had taken over from his father
as the operator, as literally Sooty's right hand man,
he wasn't so keen on the puppets.
So the first thing Matthew Corbett said to me was,
"I locking hate Sooty."
He said, "The kids come up to me and say, 'Where's Sooty?' I say,
'In a locking clinic. Now lock off!""
Paul Daniels was obviously a magician.
In one Halloween special, Paul Daniels recreated a Houdini
trick, but deliberately staged it to give the illusion
that the escape had gone wrong and Daniels had been killed.
He later reappeared, at which point the delighted
audience stopped clapping.
Time now for the missing words round.
And we start with pickled penises once again what?
Pickled penises once again beat the Tories in the local election.
Pickled penises once again on the menu at McDonald's.
McDick.
Presented in a pair of trousers.
Do you want flies with that?
Never went to university.
All self taught.
Pickled penises once again on display at reopened museum.
Oh, yeah.
This is the news that the Hunterian Museum at the Royal College
of Surgeons headquarters reopens next week.
One visitor held the pickled penis in her hand and
said, "It's gruesome."
Well, that's what penises do when you touch them.
Next...
Woman who ate like King Charles for a day says what?
I shouldn't have picked Charles I on the day of his execution.
As I only had a small breakfast.
The answer is woman who ate like King Charles for a day says,
"I never want to see a boiled egg again."
This is The Mirror writer Nia Dalton, who followed
King Charles's diet for one day, which includes a boiled
egg with every meal.
And it's not just Charles.
Rumour has it Diana used to enjoy a couple of soldiers every morning.
Too soon?
And finally...
A town in Yorkshire celebrated the Coronation by having a cow what?
Pay for its own barbecue.
It's not cost us a penny, this!
Cow jump in Rishi Sunak's swimming pool?
Let me put you out of your misery.
A town in Yorkshire celebrated the Coronation by having
a cow pat challenge.
Ah!
Who can pat the most cows in an hour?
What are the metrics upon which the cow pat is judged?
It's about chucking it, isn't it?
Oh.
You need to leave some time before...
Well, I don't know...
To solidify?
That's half the sport.
Stand behind the cow with a tennis racket.
Wallop!
So the final scores are lan and Matt have three.
Paul and Desiree have six.
Oh, well done.
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Today's Wordle.
Dear Jim'll Fix It, you're my last hope.
On which note, we say thank you to our panelists,
lan Hislop and Matt Chorley, Paul Merton and Desiree Burch.
And I leave you with news that at an event in Windsor Park,
Prince William educates his son on the best way to deal
with the paparazzi.
In Kyiv, President Zelensky starts to suspect the UK's commitment
to Ukraine is beginning to wane, as one of the promise fighter
jets comes in to land.
And an aide at Buckingham Palace breathes a sigh of relief
as the hastily arranged royal body double ends up not being needed.
Good night.