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This program me contains
some strong language

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I
Got News For You? I'm Jack Dee.

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In the news this week, on a morning
walkabout in Brighton, Ed Davey

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realises he may have overdone it
with his Lynx Africa.

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There's a good turnout
from the Vatican to celebrate

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the Bishop of Ibiza's 50th birthday.

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And, despite his lead in the polls,
Keir Starmer is keen to check on the

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Labour Party accommodation currently
being provided for Jeremy Corbyn.

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On tan's team tonight is a comedian
who gave up his job of being

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a bouncer to become a
stand-up, which means

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he now has an even harder job
stopping people walking out.

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Please welcome Emmanuel Sonubi.

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APPLAUSE

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On Paul's team tonight is
a Conservative MP who was

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elected in 2019 and was one of
several to be dubbed a Boris baby.

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Nothing to brag about -
there are dozens of them

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all around the country.

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Please welcome Dehenna Davison MP.

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Thank you.

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APPLAUSE

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Well, controversially, this week,
we're going to start with Round 1.

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Ooh! lan and Emmanuel,
have a look at this.

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Ah, he's still Prime Minister.
A round of applause. One year!

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In real years, that's 100.

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And that's the friends he's left.

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That was a hopelessly biased answer
cos we've got a Tory MP here.

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You know, relish it cos
it's going to be a rarity.

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APPLAUSE

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The next election might not be until
December 2024, so are you excited

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by the prospect of being in your job
for the next 12 months, 13 months?

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I think there's nothing people
want more than another Christmas

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election and, actually,
it could run as far as January 2025.

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Usually, you get ticked off
when people knock on the door

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and it's carol singers.

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It's going to be us instead with
our rosettes on, knocking on your

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doors, and I literally cannot think
of a better Christmas gift, can you?

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Er... Yes.

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Um... You mean like anything?

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Who's told Rishi the election
has to be before then, though?

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Is he taking advice from Liz Truss?

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He's not.

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Officials have advised Rishi Sunak
it would be a security risk

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if the UK election was
held at the same time as America

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stages its own shitshow.

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What's the security risk? Exactly.

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I suppose, if everyone is
out of office at one time

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and, you know, we don't know who
the Prime Minister is, we don't

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know who the President is, I can see
that that could cause problems.

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I mean, we've lived with that
problem for several years.

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And what effect has
Prime Minister Sunak

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had on the Conservative Party's
fortunes in the last year?

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So I've been given my official
line from CCHQ for this one.

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It's not a line of cocaine, is it?
I understand it's this.

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It says, "Everything is FINE"
in giant letters, which is

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what I understand we're
instructed to say these days.

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What were Rishi Sunak's
five priorities that he

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wrote down for everyone
to see in January?

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Don't be Liz Truss, don't not be
Liz Truss, don't be Liz Truss,

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don't be Liz Truss.

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That's only four.

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Fix swimming pool.

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Five. That's five.

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APPLAUSE

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They were specifically...

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Well, to quote Mr Meat Loaf,
nought out of five ain't bad.

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Well, coming from you, lan,

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I'm almost touched to hear you
quoting Meat Loaf!

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What's Rishi lost recently?
The will to live?

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I assume this is perhaps a reference
to the two by-elections. Oh, yes.

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This is a week ago and it already
feels like a lifetime, doesn't it?

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I don't know.
Some of us are still enjoying it.

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The correct answer is not that
he's lost two by-elections.

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I don't know why you
had to bring it up.

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I figured it's coming,
get it in early.

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Well, he's lost his privacy -
that's what I was getting at -

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cos his mobile phone number
has been circulated on social media

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by some social media pranksters.

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They're a laugh, aren't they?

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And no-one rang.

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How long has Rishi Sunak
had that mobile number for?

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Two days, 18 years.

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He had it when he was Chancellor

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and he had it all the way through
Covid and yet not one of his

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WhatsApp messages seems to have
survived the Covid Inquiry at all.

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There you go.

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What other evidence will
the Covid Inquiry not be hearing?

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It won't be hearing from Simon Case.
Yes, right. Why is that? He's ill.

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I don't know.
It's this thing that happens

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when you're called in front
of an inquiry - you just think,

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"Oh! I feel terrible."

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"I'll feel even worse when the
evidence comes up.” You're correct.

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He's not going to face the inquiry
due to a medical issue,

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the medical issue being that he
doesn't have a leg to stand on.

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How is Rishi Sunak planning to
improve his personal security?

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Oh, I know this one.
This is building a giant fence.

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Yeah! Around his lovely
North Yorkshire estate.

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Yeah, why's he doing that?

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I think to stop Greenpeace yobbos
getting in and climbing on the roof.

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Greenpeace yobbos!
Greenpeace yobbos.

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It's a 165-foot fence
he's putting up.

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Is that wide or tall?

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What do the Conservatives
really want?

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Less opposition.

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That would help. That would help.
A lot. They want more tax cuts.

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Yes, that's it.
That's what you always say

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when you're losing
just before an election.

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Maybe if we give people free money,
they'll vote for them.

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I think we can give people their own
money back - that's what you mean.

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Oh, of course. I keep forgetting you
supported Liz Truss, didn't you?

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I did. I didn't mean to be rude,
but I thought I'd bring it up early.

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What about the bankers' bonuses?
Are you keen on that?

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I mean, I don't think
they should ever have been

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capped in the first place cos I'd
rather them get paid that money

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then taxed on it, is my view, to
go into public services and things.

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But now feels like a bit
of an iffy time,

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given the pressures people
are facing, to be cutting that cap.

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So very much sitting
on that big fence?

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Being pragmatic, right?

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Quick question - as a comedian,
what is tax?

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APPLAUSE

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I think you have to ask Jimmy Carr.

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Jeremy Hunt is thought to be too
timid to endorse these tax cuts.

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Why might he just jack it all in
anyway before the election?

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Well, there was some report that
he was so fed up with being

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accused of being timid and feeble,
so he might just pack it in.

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Insiders think that he won't
stand at all at the next election

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in order to avoid what's
been called a Portillo moment.

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We have got a Portillo moment
for you to look at here.

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FUNKY MUSIC

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APPLAUSE

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Who's that? Bobby Gillespie from
Primal Scream, Your Honour.

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I'm indebted to you!

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It's a popular beat combo, m'lud!

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Rather like Harry Roy's
orchestra, sir.

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A number of Tory MPs have
declared that the Chancellor

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should be replaced with...

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Sober up, Kwasi. You're back on!

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Trouble is brewing for Keir Starmer,
though, potentially.

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It's quite a serious question,
this one.

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He's in trouble over
the Labour Party's attitude to the

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Israel-Palestine conflict
that is going on at the moment.

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Some of his party are upset with him
for not calling for a ceasefire

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and for appearing on a clip
to endorse the Israeli

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government's policy of turning
off food, water, aid, electricity.

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But calling for a ceasefire
I wouldn't have thought was

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terribly difficult.

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But, hey, you know, what do I know?

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At least 25 Labour councillors
have resigned and he had a stormy

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meeting about it this week with
several angry Labour MPs.

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In other news, something's gone
wrong with Rachel Reeves's new book.

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Yes. Bits of it appeared on
Wikipedia before she wrote her book.

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Huge chunks of it, apparently,

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which appeared elsewhere
before the publication. Yeah.

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I find this one particularly
confusing cos I think Rachel went

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to Oxford and LSE, which are pretty
well established great universities.

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There's a lot of thick people
going to these places.

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Honestly, you'd be surprised
how the standard has dropped

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over the years.
Plummeted, hasn't it?

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Well, I'm not looking
at anybody in particular.

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My point is, I went to Hull -
great university. Yeah, very good.

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In terms of the rankings, not quite
up there with Oxford and LSE.

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In terms of the what?
In terms of the university rankings.

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Not quite up there.

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And yet I'm pretty sure...
There's not much else to do in Hull.

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That's not fair.

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But I'm pretty sure one of the
first things we got told was, one,

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don't plagiarise and, two, certainly
don't do it off bloody Wikipedia.

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No, if you're going to copy,
don't copy bollocks. Yeah.

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This is the first anniversary
of Rishi Sunak,

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although no card from Liz Truss.

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The message she wanted to send

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sadly violated Moonpig's
terms and conditions.

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According to the Daily Mail,
last year,

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Sunak's local council
approved his plans to build a...

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Who does he think he is,
Captain Tom's daughter?

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APPLAUSE

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The Conservatives
have already started

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planning their election strategy
with tax cuts to appeal to

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blue wall voters, NHS spending
to appeal to red wall voters,

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and tougher immigration policies
to appeal to Millwall voters.

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So, Paul and Dehenna...
Yes? ..take a look at this.

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OK. Donald Trump.
Got his moves from Theresa May. Yep.

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This is him walking into the
court room, that's going on.

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This is Michael Cohen,

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his former attorney who did a lot of
sort of dirty work for Donald Trump.

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And that's money.

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Michael Cohen has admitted
to inflating Donald Trump's

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wealth to various people.

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Donald Trump has called
Michael Cohen a liar, a fraudster,

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he can't tell the truth,
he can't be trusted.

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Mm. You've covered it.

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Yeah, thank you. Goodnight.

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Yep, this is Donald Trump's
ongoing court woe,

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as in, whoa!
He got caught red-handed.

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Trump's been charged with...

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Yeah. Just a little amuse-bouche
sandwiched between the treason

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and prostitute cases.

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What ingenious system did Cohen
claim Trump used to inflate

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the value of his assets?

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He would inflate his worth

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when he needed to borrow money
from banks and he would say

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he didn't have anything like that
amount of money when it came to tax.

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Right. Must make a note!

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What's Cohen's motive
to dump on Trump? Um...

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There's a really unpleasant
thought from the next case.

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Maybe we should read his book and
see if we can find any clues. Mm.

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What startling discovery did
Donald Trump make this week, though?

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Was it the cure for cancer?

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No, no, it wasn't quite that,
although I expect that'll be soon.

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Well, let him do the speaking.
Yeah. OK. Why not?

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Come for us, come for us.

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You know how you spell "us", right?

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You spell us U-S.

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CHEERING

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I just picked that up. Has anyone
ever thought of that before?

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I just picked that up.

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A couple of things I'm
reading and it said "us".

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When he's going off on one
of these mad digressions,

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I'd love just to see
the audience's face.

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They must be sort of frozen
in a kind of sort of rictus grin

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as the man that they love
just talked bollocks endlessly.

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Nothing like that in "uk".

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What has happened with
the Speaker position?

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They've elected somebody
who's a Trump supporter who

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believes that the 2020 election
was stolen.

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Do you know who they did elect in
the end, the name? Michael somebody.

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Michael? Yeah. I don't know cos
it's not written down here. No.

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And he may well have gone
by the time this program me goes out.

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That's why I didn't bother
learning his whole name.

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Let's have a look at
who Trump suggested.

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I said there's only one person
that can do it all the way.

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You know who that is? Jesus Christ.

234
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,775
The man to the left of Trump
wearing the yellow tie has got

235
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,895
a look on his face saying, "God,
I wish I'd practised the piano!"

236
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,575
"I could have been
a concert pianist.

237
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:15,615
"Instead, I'm standing here."”

238
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,255
Well, it's almost like the most
ridiculous thing Trump ever said,

239
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,415
which was, "One day,
I'm going to be president."

240
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:25,495
And yet we are still living in
this fever dream.

241
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,215
Yeah. It's true.
Boris said the same.

242
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,135
There's no comparison
between the two of them.

243
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,775
One of them's a complete buffoon
who should be in jail.

244
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,695
The other one's there on the screen.

245
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:37,895
APPLAUSE

246
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,335
Thank goodness I'm here
for balance, honestly!

247
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,455
Here's the speaker candidate,
Tom Emmer,

248
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,935
speaking remotely
to Congress via Zoom

249
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,055
and showing why he might not
be the right man for the job.

250
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,375
Here he is.

251
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,975
Today's gig economy sprung out
from the last recession...

252
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,855
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

253
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,015
We must make sure that
our nation's sole proprietors

254
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:01,495
and the smallest of small businesses

255
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:05,815
receive timely...
Will the gentleman suspend...

256
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:06,855
I'm sorry, Mr Emmer...

257
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:07,895
Yes?

258
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,575
...are you OK?

259
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:10,615
LAUGHTER

260
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:16,615
APPLAUSE

261
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:17,975
"Are you OK?"

262
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,655
Poor man,
born with his face upside-down.

263
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:20,695
Shame.

264
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,375
These are the trials
of Donald Trump.

265
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:28,015
In his autobiography, Michael Cohen
described Trump as...

266
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,975
And that was when they
were still friends.

267
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,735
LAUGHTER

268
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:38,935
And so to Round Two

269
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,815
and, as you probably know, there's
nothing I love more than Halloween.

270
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:45,695
LAUGHTER

271
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,575
Which is why they've
made this for me.

272
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,615
It's the...

273
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:55,575
The cauldron of news!
ALL: Ooh!

274
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:02,735
Health and safety
wouldn't let us have dry ice

275
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:03,775
so I've used fire.

276
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:08,975
LAUGHTER

277
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:10,975
I'm fine, by the way.

278
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,015
LAUGHTER

279
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,055
Fingers on buzzers.

280
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,855
Here we go.

281
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:15,895
Here's the first question.

282
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,495
Oh, look!

283
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:18,535
BUZZER

284
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,735
Well, judging by the picture,
we're meant to assume,

285
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,415
he's told a joke and
she's not very happy with it.

286
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,335
That has not worked out, has it?
No.

287
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,655
Don't tell jokes on the first date.
Doesn't help. Yeah. Is that a guess?

288
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:29,695
Yes.

289
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,415
No wonder if the punch line's
"flowers".

290
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,615
LAUGHTER

291
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,735
Yes. This is the news that men
being funny on a first date

292
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:39,775
doesn't always impress.

293
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,935
The study found that being
funny made no difference

294
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,255
to whether potential partners
found them more attractive.

295
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,455
According to The Times, previously,

296
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:51,015
it was thought that being
funny indicated the...

297
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,295
..."Intell-egg-ence."
Intelligence!

298
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,335
LAUGHTER

299
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,495
APPLAUSE

300
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,695
What else did they find

301
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:07,055
causes laughter on a first date?

302
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,135
LAUGHTER

303
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,335
What else did they find...?

304
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:10,375
Unexpected acrobatics.

305
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:11,415
LAUGHTER

306
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:12,935
So we've got poor jokes... Hmm.

307
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,175
Weirdly enough, for me, politics.

308
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,335
Really? Yes. That would
put you off? Yeah. OK.

309
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,935
Um...

310
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,295
Oh, there was a stony silence,
then, wasn't there?

311
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,975
30 men up there
with notepads waiting

312
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,135
for you to finish this list.

313
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,455
LAUGHTER

314
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,335
How would you go about impressing
someone on a first date, though?

315
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:33,535
Oh, I'd turn up. Yeah?

316
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,975
LAUGHTER

317
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,615
Shows a certain commitment.

318
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,255
APPLAUSE

319
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,415
Tell them I'm a personal friend
of lan Hislop.

320
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:43,775
LAUGHTER

321
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:45,815
No, I said, "Impress." Yeah.

322
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:46,855
LAUGHTER
Oh, impress!

323
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,495
Who will have to run their
relationships past a new body?

324
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,415
Is it Matt Hancock?

325
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,775
LAUGHTER

326
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,615
This is ITV, isn't it?
Yes, it is. It is.

327
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:00,775
It is. If you dare
to have a friendship

328
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,375
with another member of ITV staff,
you must declare said friendship...

329
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,815
Yes. ..from now on.
Even if it's platonic. Yes. Yeah.

330
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:10,015
Is this in reaction to the
Phil and Holly...? Yes. Yes.

331
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,255
Phillip Schofield, yeah.

332
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:12,935
Paul, how would you
describe your relationship

333
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,575
with your colleague lan?

334
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,975
If you had to declare it,
what would you say?

335
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,175
Distant.

336
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,095
LAUGHTER

337
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,935
By about 14 feet.

338
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,335
LAUGHTER

339
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,055
This is the latest
survey that's revealed

340
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,975
that women don't always
find funny men attractive.

341
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,535
Didn't need a survey
to tell me that.

342
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,575
LAUGHTER

343
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:35,615
Scientists have further analysed

344
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:39,775
what women consider
attractive in men, revealing...

345
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:42,815
One in ten?!

346
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:46,135
Yeah, I have thought it would
have been higher. Like one in 12.

347
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:52,095
Yeah.
LAUGHTER

348
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,055
OK. Here we go again.

349
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,975
The cauldron of news!

350
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,175
Smoke again! Oh, yes. OK.

351
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,935
Fingers on buzzers. Yeah.

352
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,455
And here's the next
one from the cauldron of news.

353
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,055
BUZZER

354
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,655
The studio's on fire.

355
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,455
LAUGHTER

356
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,375
Isn't this banned under ULEZ?

357
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,455
LAUGHTER

358
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,135
The cauldron of news is in danger
of outstaying its welcome.

359
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,215
LAUGHTER
More like cauldron of shit!

360
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,695
LAUGHTER
Here we go.

361
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,015
How dare you! Jack looks like
he's doing an audition for Macbeth.

362
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,015
LAUGHTER

363
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:28,615
Buzz in if you know what this
story's about.

364
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,975
BUZZER
Well, it's clearly boules.

365
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,135
And somebody's been
cheating by using a giant pea.

366
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,455
LAUGHTER

367
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:37,935
It is boules, yeah.

368
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,695
There's been fights. There's been
aggressiveness between teams.

369
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,735
Mm-hm. It's to do with the drinking.
Yeah.

370
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,135
They're asking people to stop
turning up drunk or something.

371
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,575
Yes. But why?

372
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,575
Surely that would make this better.

373
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,495
Umpires have been
threatening to boycott the game

374
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:56,175
after a surge in what the
Telegraph describe as...

375
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,055
LAUGHTER

376
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,975
Who'd have thought those red-faced,
overweight, bulbous-nosed Frenchmen

377
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,135
you see shouting at
each other in town squares

378
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:09,415
are not actually elite athletes,
as we once thought.

379
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,815
Who is to blame if
it's not just the players?

380
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,255
It's not the mums on
the sidelines shouting

381
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,895
like they do at kids football
matches, is it? No, no.

382
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:22,055
The mums are all dead.

383
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,095
It's the boules clubs themselves,

384
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,855
according to French newspaper
Le Figaro.

385
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:31,335
Clubs start selling...

386
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,375
I didn't know they had pasties.
I thought it was just Cornwall.

387
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,535
LAUGHTER

388
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:40,855
But that game looks like
it started by drinking.

389
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,935
You put a Wetherspoons
in the back of that.

390
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:48,095
"Dave, I reckon I can get this boule
next to that Brussels sprout..."

391
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,335
LAUGHTER

392
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,735
"..closer than you can." And
it'd be brilliant in Wetherspoons

393
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,375
because they'd have a sort of sticky
carpet, so the boules...

394
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,935
LAUGHTER

395
00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:02,295
One referee went on to say...

396
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:05,935
Found my sport.

397
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,055
LAUGHTER

398
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,255
The national association
are trying to get the sport

399
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:13,215
ratified for the Olympic Games.

400
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,255
Yeah.

401
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,695
There's another rowdy sport
in Mexico

402
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,615
hoping to become an Olympic
event as well.

403
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,255
DO you want to have a look at that?
Yes. Hmm.

404
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:24,295
LAUGHTER

405
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:31,175
LAUGHTER

406
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,375
You know what?
Until he took that shot.

407
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,135
I looked at that and thought,

408
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,855
“I'm pretty sure
we stopped this 400 years ago."

409
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,535
LAUGHTER

410
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,935
Don't have a go at me.
You did it. Yeah.

411
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,575
LAUGHTER

412
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,455
So this is what a mixture
of lassoing people and football?!

413
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,375
Was that a lasso?

414
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:50,815
What do they call those things...?

415
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:52,735
A bolas. Yeah. How do you know that?

416
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,495
I did it for A-level.

417
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,775
LAUGHTER

418
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,975
This is the outbreak of drunken
fighting during games

419
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:04,175
of petanque in France, which
has been dubbed...

420
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,135
One referee claimed that he was
almost strangled

421
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,535
earlier this month, adding...

422
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,655
If only the French had
an expression for that.

423
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,935
LAUGHTER

424
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,855
Time now for the
"Odd One Out" Round.

425
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,055
Just one between you this week.
Your four are...

426
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,135
Emmanuel Macron,

427
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,535
Larry the Cat,

428
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,175
Robert Peston

429
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:24,895
and Bjork.

430
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,695
"Bee-yurk"?! Yeah.

431
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,855
Well, I've worked with
Bjork and she told me,

432
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,295
"That's how you pronounce my name."

433
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,375
Really? Yeah. And I said,
"OK, Bjork."

434
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,135
LAUGHTER

435
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:36,455
What were you working on?

436
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,735
Top Of The Pops. Yeah.
Long time ago.

437
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:40,895
I was presenting it
and she was on it,

438
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,295
and she was telling me all
about Christmas in Iceland.

439
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,975
At the end of which I thought,

440
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,295
"She's absolutely barking mad."

441
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:49,335
LAUGHTER

442
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:51,975
Are you the only former presenter
of Top Of The Pops

443
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,015
who's not in prison?

444
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,055
LAUGHTER

445
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,815
So far!

446
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,295
So, Bee-yurk... Yeah.

447
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:00,735
"Lurry, the Curt.”

448
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,375
LAUGHTER

449
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:03,575
Bjork's the odd one out.

450
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,975
Surely she's the only one
who's got a part-time job

451
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,895
standing on the hard
shoulder of the M20.

452
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,415
LAUGHTER

453
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:10,615
Got to be, hasn't it?

454
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,095
Is Larry the Cat the only Nazi?

455
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:17,295
LAUGHTER

456
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:18,935
"Meow."

457
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,815
LAUGHTER

458
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:24,215
EXAGGERATED GERMAN ACCENT:
"For you, Mouse, the war is over."

459
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,295
LAUGHTER

460
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,015
They all love fish,

461
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,535
apart from Emmanuel Macron,

462
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:32,015
who was not a fan
of his fish sandwich.

463
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,455
Anyone know where he got it?

464
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:34,495
Yeah. Fish shop.

465
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:36,295
Fish sandwich shop.

466
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,255
It was during a trip to Hamburg...

467
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:42,375
Le Greggs. ..to visit his German
counterpart, Olaf Scholz.

468
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:45,135
And here he is after his first bite.

469
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:46,815
Everyone else seemed to be
enjoying theirs.

470
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:50,495
LAUGHTER

471
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,655
How do we know that Bjork is
a fan of fish?

472
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,455
She said, "I'm a fan of fish."

473
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,135
Has she got a song about fish?

474
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,655
She has. It's called...

475
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:07,455
A catchy title, isn't it? Yeah.
She told The Guardian that...

476
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:08,935
So I've come up with... Yes?

477
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,735
...Never Mind The Pollocks.

478
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,175
LAUGHTER

479
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,135
God Save The Bream.

480
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:15,815
Any good?

481
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,975
I've Got To Get Out Of This Plaice.

482
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:22,255
LAUGHTER

483
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,655
What does eating fish have
to do with Robert Peston?

484
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,055
He looks like he REALLY loves it.

485
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,015
Yeah. There he is. Yeah.

486
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,895
His new novel, The Crash, features
a character he's based on himself

487
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,935
who...

488
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,975
"Almost"? Yeah.

489
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,375
LAUGHTER

490
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,095
Peston. He's formed a punk band
called...

491
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:47,335
...and Peston sings lead vocals.

492
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:50,495
As if that wasn't enough...

493
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:51,815
Oh, no.

494
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:56,175
Robert Peston and Ed Balls
performed in a punk band at...

495
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:57,615
At one point, things turned ugly

496
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,735
and they were pelted with
quails eggs and sun dried tomatoes.

497
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:02,775
LAUGHTER

498
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:06,295
Yeah.

499
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,095
OK. Jack's wearing an ear piece.
He's not gone loony.

500
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:11,255
Yeah.
LAUGHTER

501
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,175
They better not cut
Larry the Cat being a Nazi. Yeah.

502
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:15,215
LAUGHTER

503
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:16,255
I shall be angry.

504
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,815
I shall march into Poland.

505
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,815
LAUGHTER

506
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,495
Time now for the Missing Words Round

507
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,415
which, this week, feature
as its guest publication

508
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,615
Lucid Dreaming Experience.

509
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,735
Like the sound of that!

510
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:34,815
And we start with...

511
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:38,135
"How big is your poop bag?"

512
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:39,655
LAUGHTER

513
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,055
"Is his tongue long enough
so he can lick his...?

514
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,975
I don't know what the answer is.
LAUGHTER

515
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,975
It's, he's often asked...

516
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,855
He's called Abu. Oh, blimey.

517
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,495
Abu's 6/1 to win Crufts,

518
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:53,175
and odds on to win
the Grand National.

519
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:57,735
LAUGHTER
Next.

520
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,735
"Playing French game
of boules drunk."

521
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:04,895
"Refusing to use a spoon
to stir his coffee.”

522
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:08,495
LAUGHTER

523
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,295
The answer is actually...

524
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,535
LAUGHTER

525
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:16,455
It actually put several
of the other customers

526
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,975
off their breakfast Stellas.

527
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,415
LAUGHTER

528
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:25,175
Next.

529
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,215
"His dukedom is not legal.”
"Title is not legal.”

530
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,215
"His castle is not legal.”
You're quite close.

531
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,895
Yeah. It's actually...

532
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:34,735
The name was too long under
Spanish law

533
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:35,815
to be legally registered.

534
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,655
The Duke wanted to call
his daughter...

535
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,095
OVER-DUBBED: Sofia Fernanda
Dolores Cayetana Teresa

536
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,495
Angela de la Cruz Micaela del
Santisimo Sacramento del Perpetuo

537
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:48,415
Socorro de la Santisima
Trinidad y de Todos Los Santos.

538
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:54,575
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

539
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,615
Oh! You said that without
moving your lips.

540
00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:01,855
And finally...

541
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:05,535
If you've just held on to your
constituency against the odds!

542
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,095
LAUGHTER

543
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:12,175
If you're lan Hislop and you're
winning "Have I Got News For You?"

544
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:13,655
LAUGHTER

545
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:14,695
APPLAUSE

546
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:19,135
The answer is...

547
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,815
It's a sure sign. Yeah.

548
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,735
It's from dreams sent in by readers
of Lucid Dreaming Experience.

549
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:25,775
Incidentally, if you're dreaming

550
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,015
and it suddenly starts raining,

551
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,375
I'd wake up and get to the toilet.

552
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,935
LAUGHTER

553
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:35,135
So, the final scores are

554
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,655
lan and Emmanuel have four,

555
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:38,855
Paul and Dehenna with five.

556
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:40,335
No!

557
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:43,375
APPLAUSE

558
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:46,575
But before we go there is just
time for the caption competition.

559
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:48,975
"I think the sun blocker
we're using is too strong."

560
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,295
LAUGHTER

561
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:51,855
"New Beckham documentary."

562
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,095
LAUGHTER

563
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:56,015
"I'll say it once, I'll say it
again,

564
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,175
"I never wanted to move
to Welwyn Garden City."

565
00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,215
LAUGHTER

566
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,615
On which note, we say
thank you to our panel lists,

567
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:02,855
lan Hislop and Emmanuel Sonubi,

568
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,535
Paul Merton and Dehenna Davison.

569
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,215
And I leave you with news that

570
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,615
in Ashton's, staff pull together
to make all the preparations

571
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:14,735
for Angela Rayner's next
constituency meeting...

572
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:16,095
LAUGHTER

573
00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:17,775
Producers of The Apprentice
say screen tests

574
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,175
for a replacement for
Lord Sugar aren't going well.

575
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:23,215
LAUGHTER

576
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:24,655
And at a rally in Florida,

577
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,335
attendees get more
than they bargained for

578
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:30,295
as Donald Trump bends down
to pick up a pen mid-speech.

579
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:34,175
LAUGHTER, GROANS

580
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,975
Goodnight.

581
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:42,935
APPLAUSE