This program me contains some strong language
APPLAUSE
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You? I'm Jack Dee.
In the news this week, on a morning walkabout in Brighton, Ed Davey
realises he may have overdone it with his Lynx Africa.
There's a good turnout from the Vatican to celebrate
the Bishop of Ibiza's 50th birthday.
And, despite his lead in the polls, Keir Starmer is keen to check on the
Labour Party accommodation currently being provided for Jeremy Corbyn.
On tan's team tonight is a comedian who gave up his job of being
a bouncer to become a stand-up, which means
he now has an even harder job stopping people walking out.
Please welcome Emmanuel Sonubi.
APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a Conservative MP who was
elected in 2019 and was one of several to be dubbed a Boris baby.
Nothing to brag about - there are dozens of them
all around the country.
Please welcome Dehenna Davison MP.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
Well, controversially, this week, we're going to start with Round 1.
Ooh! lan and Emmanuel, have a look at this.
Ah, he's still Prime Minister. A round of applause. One year!
In real years, that's 100.
And that's the friends he's left.
That was a hopelessly biased answer cos we've got a Tory MP here.
You know, relish it cos it's going to be a rarity.
APPLAUSE
The next election might not be until December 2024, so are you excited
by the prospect of being in your job for the next 12 months, 13 months?
I think there's nothing people want more than another Christmas
election and, actually, it could run as far as January 2025.
Usually, you get ticked off when people knock on the door
and it's carol singers.
It's going to be us instead with our rosettes on, knocking on your
doors, and I literally cannot think of a better Christmas gift, can you?
Er... Yes.
Um... You mean like anything?
Who's told Rishi the election has to be before then, though?
Is he taking advice from Liz Truss?
He's not.
Officials have advised Rishi Sunak it would be a security risk
if the UK election was held at the same time as America
stages its own shitshow.
What's the security risk? Exactly.
I suppose, if everyone is out of office at one time
and, you know, we don't know who the Prime Minister is, we don't
know who the President is, I can see that that could cause problems.
I mean, we've lived with that problem for several years.
And what effect has Prime Minister Sunak
had on the Conservative Party's fortunes in the last year?
So I've been given my official line from CCHQ for this one.
It's not a line of cocaine, is it? I understand it's this.
It says, "Everything is FINE" in giant letters, which is
what I understand we're instructed to say these days.
What were Rishi Sunak's five priorities that he
wrote down for everyone to see in January?
Don't be Liz Truss, don't not be Liz Truss, don't be Liz Truss,
don't be Liz Truss.
That's only four.
Fix swimming pool.
Five. That's five.
APPLAUSE
They were specifically...
Well, to quote Mr Meat Loaf, nought out of five ain't bad.
Well, coming from you, lan,
I'm almost touched to hear you quoting Meat Loaf!
What's Rishi lost recently? The will to live?
I assume this is perhaps a reference to the two by-elections. Oh, yes.
This is a week ago and it already feels like a lifetime, doesn't it?
I don't know. Some of us are still enjoying it.
The correct answer is not that he's lost two by-elections.
I don't know why you had to bring it up.
I figured it's coming, get it in early.
Well, he's lost his privacy - that's what I was getting at -
cos his mobile phone number has been circulated on social media
by some social media pranksters.
They're a laugh, aren't they?
And no-one rang.
How long has Rishi Sunak had that mobile number for?
Two days, 18 years.
He had it when he was Chancellor
and he had it all the way through Covid and yet not one of his
WhatsApp messages seems to have survived the Covid Inquiry at all.
There you go.
What other evidence will the Covid Inquiry not be hearing?
It won't be hearing from Simon Case. Yes, right. Why is that? He's ill.
I don't know. It's this thing that happens
when you're called in front of an inquiry - you just think,
"Oh! I feel terrible."
"I'll feel even worse when the evidence comes up.” You're correct.
He's not going to face the inquiry due to a medical issue,
the medical issue being that he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
How is Rishi Sunak planning to improve his personal security?
Oh, I know this one. This is building a giant fence.
Yeah! Around his lovely North Yorkshire estate.
Yeah, why's he doing that?
I think to stop Greenpeace yobbos getting in and climbing on the roof.
Greenpeace yobbos! Greenpeace yobbos.
It's a 165-foot fence he's putting up.
Is that wide or tall?
What do the Conservatives really want?
Less opposition.
That would help. That would help. A lot. They want more tax cuts.
Yes, that's it. That's what you always say
when you're losing just before an election.
Maybe if we give people free money, they'll vote for them.
I think we can give people their own money back - that's what you mean.
Oh, of course. I keep forgetting you supported Liz Truss, didn't you?
I did. I didn't mean to be rude, but I thought I'd bring it up early.
What about the bankers' bonuses? Are you keen on that?
I mean, I don't think they should ever have been
capped in the first place cos I'd rather them get paid that money
then taxed on it, is my view, to go into public services and things.
But now feels like a bit of an iffy time,
given the pressures people are facing, to be cutting that cap.
So very much sitting on that big fence?
Being pragmatic, right?
Quick question - as a comedian, what is tax?
APPLAUSE
I think you have to ask Jimmy Carr.
Jeremy Hunt is thought to be too timid to endorse these tax cuts.
Why might he just jack it all in anyway before the election?
Well, there was some report that he was so fed up with being
accused of being timid and feeble, so he might just pack it in.
Insiders think that he won't stand at all at the next election
in order to avoid what's been called a Portillo moment.
We have got a Portillo moment for you to look at here.
FUNKY MUSIC
APPLAUSE
Who's that? Bobby Gillespie from Primal Scream, Your Honour.
I'm indebted to you!
It's a popular beat combo, m'lud!
Rather like Harry Roy's orchestra, sir.
A number of Tory MPs have declared that the Chancellor
should be replaced with...
Sober up, Kwasi. You're back on!
Trouble is brewing for Keir Starmer, though, potentially.
It's quite a serious question, this one.
He's in trouble over the Labour Party's attitude to the
Israel-Palestine conflict that is going on at the moment.
Some of his party are upset with him for not calling for a ceasefire
and for appearing on a clip to endorse the Israeli
government's policy of turning off food, water, aid, electricity.
But calling for a ceasefire I wouldn't have thought was
terribly difficult.
But, hey, you know, what do I know?
At least 25 Labour councillors have resigned and he had a stormy
meeting about it this week with several angry Labour MPs.
In other news, something's gone wrong with Rachel Reeves's new book.
Yes. Bits of it appeared on Wikipedia before she wrote her book.
Huge chunks of it, apparently,
which appeared elsewhere before the publication. Yeah.
I find this one particularly confusing cos I think Rachel went
to Oxford and LSE, which are pretty well established great universities.
There's a lot of thick people going to these places.
Honestly, you'd be surprised how the standard has dropped
over the years. Plummeted, hasn't it?
Well, I'm not looking at anybody in particular.
My point is, I went to Hull - great university. Yeah, very good.
In terms of the rankings, not quite up there with Oxford and LSE.
In terms of the what? In terms of the university rankings.
Not quite up there.
And yet I'm pretty sure... There's not much else to do in Hull.
That's not fair.
But I'm pretty sure one of the first things we got told was, one,
don't plagiarise and, two, certainly don't do it off bloody Wikipedia.
No, if you're going to copy, don't copy bollocks. Yeah.
This is the first anniversary of Rishi Sunak,
although no card from Liz Truss.
The message she wanted to send
sadly violated Moonpig's terms and conditions.
According to the Daily Mail, last year,
Sunak's local council approved his plans to build a...
Who does he think he is, Captain Tom's daughter?
APPLAUSE
The Conservatives have already started
planning their election strategy with tax cuts to appeal to
blue wall voters, NHS spending to appeal to red wall voters,
and tougher immigration policies to appeal to Millwall voters.
So, Paul and Dehenna... Yes? ..take a look at this.
OK. Donald Trump. Got his moves from Theresa May. Yep.
This is him walking into the court room, that's going on.
This is Michael Cohen,
his former attorney who did a lot of sort of dirty work for Donald Trump.
And that's money.
Michael Cohen has admitted to inflating Donald Trump's
wealth to various people.
Donald Trump has called Michael Cohen a liar, a fraudster,
he can't tell the truth, he can't be trusted.
Mm. You've covered it.
Yeah, thank you. Goodnight.
Yep, this is Donald Trump's ongoing court woe,
as in, whoa! He got caught red-handed.
Trump's been charged with...
Yeah. Just a little amuse-bouche sandwiched between the treason
and prostitute cases.
What ingenious system did Cohen claim Trump used to inflate
the value of his assets?
He would inflate his worth
when he needed to borrow money from banks and he would say
he didn't have anything like that amount of money when it came to tax.
Right. Must make a note!
What's Cohen's motive to dump on Trump? Um...
There's a really unpleasant thought from the next case.
Maybe we should read his book and see if we can find any clues. Mm.
What startling discovery did Donald Trump make this week, though?
Was it the cure for cancer?
No, no, it wasn't quite that, although I expect that'll be soon.
Well, let him do the speaking. Yeah. OK. Why not?
Come for us, come for us.
You know how you spell "us", right?
You spell us U-S.
CHEERING
I just picked that up. Has anyone ever thought of that before?
I just picked that up.
A couple of things I'm reading and it said "us".
When he's going off on one of these mad digressions,
I'd love just to see the audience's face.
They must be sort of frozen in a kind of sort of rictus grin
as the man that they love just talked bollocks endlessly.
Nothing like that in "uk".
What has happened with the Speaker position?
They've elected somebody who's a Trump supporter who
believes that the 2020 election was stolen.
Do you know who they did elect in the end, the name? Michael somebody.
Michael? Yeah. I don't know cos it's not written down here. No.
And he may well have gone by the time this program me goes out.
That's why I didn't bother learning his whole name.
Let's have a look at who Trump suggested.
I said there's only one person that can do it all the way.
You know who that is? Jesus Christ.
The man to the left of Trump wearing the yellow tie has got
a look on his face saying, "God, I wish I'd practised the piano!"
"I could have been a concert pianist.
"Instead, I'm standing here."”
Well, it's almost like the most ridiculous thing Trump ever said,
which was, "One day, I'm going to be president."
And yet we are still living in this fever dream.
Yeah. It's true. Boris said the same.
There's no comparison between the two of them.
One of them's a complete buffoon who should be in jail.
The other one's there on the screen.
APPLAUSE
Thank goodness I'm here for balance, honestly!
Here's the speaker candidate, Tom Emmer,
speaking remotely to Congress via Zoom
and showing why he might not be the right man for the job.
Here he is.
Today's gig economy sprung out from the last recession...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
We must make sure that our nation's sole proprietors
and the smallest of small businesses
receive timely... Will the gentleman suspend...
I'm sorry, Mr Emmer...
Yes?
...are you OK?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
"Are you OK?"
Poor man, born with his face upside-down.
Shame.
These are the trials of Donald Trump.
In his autobiography, Michael Cohen described Trump as...
And that was when they were still friends.
LAUGHTER
And so to Round Two
and, as you probably know, there's nothing I love more than Halloween.
LAUGHTER
Which is why they've made this for me.
It's the...
The cauldron of news! ALL: Ooh!
Health and safety wouldn't let us have dry ice
so I've used fire.
LAUGHTER
I'm fine, by the way.
LAUGHTER
Fingers on buzzers.
Here we go.
Here's the first question.
Oh, look!
BUZZER
Well, judging by the picture, we're meant to assume,
he's told a joke and she's not very happy with it.
That has not worked out, has it? No.
Don't tell jokes on the first date. Doesn't help. Yeah. Is that a guess?
Yes.
No wonder if the punch line's "flowers".
LAUGHTER
Yes. This is the news that men being funny on a first date
doesn't always impress.
The study found that being funny made no difference
to whether potential partners found them more attractive.
According to The Times, previously,
it was thought that being funny indicated the...
..."Intell-egg-ence." Intelligence!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What else did they find
causes laughter on a first date?
LAUGHTER
What else did they find...?
Unexpected acrobatics.
LAUGHTER
So we've got poor jokes... Hmm.
Weirdly enough, for me, politics.
Really? Yes. That would put you off? Yeah. OK.
Um...
Oh, there was a stony silence, then, wasn't there?
30 men up there with notepads waiting
for you to finish this list.
LAUGHTER
How would you go about impressing someone on a first date, though?
Oh, I'd turn up. Yeah?
LAUGHTER
Shows a certain commitment.
APPLAUSE
Tell them I'm a personal friend of lan Hislop.
LAUGHTER
No, I said, "Impress." Yeah.
LAUGHTER Oh, impress!
Who will have to run their relationships past a new body?
Is it Matt Hancock?
LAUGHTER
This is ITV, isn't it? Yes, it is. It is.
It is. If you dare to have a friendship
with another member of ITV staff, you must declare said friendship...
Yes. ..from now on. Even if it's platonic. Yes. Yeah.
Is this in reaction to the Phil and Holly...? Yes. Yes.
Phillip Schofield, yeah.
Paul, how would you describe your relationship
with your colleague lan?
If you had to declare it, what would you say?
Distant.
LAUGHTER
By about 14 feet.
LAUGHTER
This is the latest survey that's revealed
that women don't always find funny men attractive.
Didn't need a survey to tell me that.
LAUGHTER
Scientists have further analysed
what women consider attractive in men, revealing...
One in ten?!
Yeah, I have thought it would have been higher. Like one in 12.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
OK. Here we go again.
The cauldron of news!
Smoke again! Oh, yes. OK.
Fingers on buzzers. Yeah.
And here's the next one from the cauldron of news.
BUZZER
The studio's on fire.
LAUGHTER
Isn't this banned under ULEZ?
LAUGHTER
The cauldron of news is in danger of outstaying its welcome.
LAUGHTER More like cauldron of shit!
LAUGHTER Here we go.
How dare you! Jack looks like he's doing an audition for Macbeth.
LAUGHTER
Buzz in if you know what this story's about.
BUZZER Well, it's clearly boules.
And somebody's been cheating by using a giant pea.
LAUGHTER
It is boules, yeah.
There's been fights. There's been aggressiveness between teams.
Mm-hm. It's to do with the drinking. Yeah.
They're asking people to stop turning up drunk or something.
Yes. But why?
Surely that would make this better.
Umpires have been threatening to boycott the game
after a surge in what the Telegraph describe as...
LAUGHTER
Who'd have thought those red-faced, overweight, bulbous-nosed Frenchmen
you see shouting at each other in town squares
are not actually elite athletes, as we once thought.
Who is to blame if it's not just the players?
It's not the mums on the sidelines shouting
like they do at kids football matches, is it? No, no.
The mums are all dead.
It's the boules clubs themselves,
according to French newspaper Le Figaro.
Clubs start selling...
I didn't know they had pasties. I thought it was just Cornwall.
LAUGHTER
But that game looks like it started by drinking.
You put a Wetherspoons in the back of that.
"Dave, I reckon I can get this boule next to that Brussels sprout..."
LAUGHTER
"..closer than you can." And it'd be brilliant in Wetherspoons
because they'd have a sort of sticky carpet, so the boules...
LAUGHTER
One referee went on to say...
Found my sport.
LAUGHTER
The national association are trying to get the sport
ratified for the Olympic Games.
Yeah.
There's another rowdy sport in Mexico
hoping to become an Olympic event as well.
DO you want to have a look at that? Yes. Hmm.
LAUGHTER
You know what? Until he took that shot.
I looked at that and thought,
“I'm pretty sure we stopped this 400 years ago."
LAUGHTER
Don't have a go at me. You did it. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So this is what a mixture of lassoing people and football?!
Was that a lasso?
What do they call those things...?
A bolas. Yeah. How do you know that?
I did it for A-level.
LAUGHTER
This is the outbreak of drunken fighting during games
of petanque in France, which has been dubbed...
One referee claimed that he was almost strangled
earlier this month, adding...
If only the French had an expression for that.
LAUGHTER
Time now for the "Odd One Out" Round.
Just one between you this week. Your four are...
Emmanuel Macron,
Larry the Cat,
Robert Peston
and Bjork.
"Bee-yurk"?! Yeah.
Well, I've worked with Bjork and she told me,
"That's how you pronounce my name."
Really? Yeah. And I said, "OK, Bjork."
LAUGHTER
What were you working on?
Top Of The Pops. Yeah. Long time ago.
I was presenting it and she was on it,
and she was telling me all about Christmas in Iceland.
At the end of which I thought,
"She's absolutely barking mad."
LAUGHTER
Are you the only former presenter of Top Of The Pops
who's not in prison?
LAUGHTER
So far!
So, Bee-yurk... Yeah.
"Lurry, the Curt.”
LAUGHTER
Bjork's the odd one out.
Surely she's the only one who's got a part-time job
standing on the hard shoulder of the M20.
LAUGHTER
Got to be, hasn't it?
Is Larry the Cat the only Nazi?
LAUGHTER
"Meow."
LAUGHTER
EXAGGERATED GERMAN ACCENT: "For you, Mouse, the war is over."
LAUGHTER
They all love fish,
apart from Emmanuel Macron,
who was not a fan of his fish sandwich.
Anyone know where he got it?
Yeah. Fish shop.
Fish sandwich shop.
It was during a trip to Hamburg...
Le Greggs. ..to visit his German counterpart, Olaf Scholz.
And here he is after his first bite.
Everyone else seemed to be enjoying theirs.
LAUGHTER
How do we know that Bjork is a fan of fish?
She said, "I'm a fan of fish."
Has she got a song about fish?
She has. It's called...
A catchy title, isn't it? Yeah. She told The Guardian that...
So I've come up with... Yes?
...Never Mind The Pollocks.
LAUGHTER
God Save The Bream.
Any good?
I've Got To Get Out Of This Plaice.
LAUGHTER
What does eating fish have to do with Robert Peston?
He looks like he REALLY loves it.
Yeah. There he is. Yeah.
His new novel, The Crash, features a character he's based on himself
who...
"Almost"? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Peston. He's formed a punk band called...
...and Peston sings lead vocals.
As if that wasn't enough...
Oh, no.
Robert Peston and Ed Balls performed in a punk band at...
At one point, things turned ugly
and they were pelted with quails eggs and sun dried tomatoes.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
OK. Jack's wearing an ear piece. He's not gone loony.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
They better not cut Larry the Cat being a Nazi. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I shall be angry.
I shall march into Poland.
LAUGHTER
Time now for the Missing Words Round
which, this week, feature as its guest publication
Lucid Dreaming Experience.
Like the sound of that!
And we start with...
"How big is your poop bag?"
LAUGHTER
"Is his tongue long enough so he can lick his...?
I don't know what the answer is. LAUGHTER
It's, he's often asked...
He's called Abu. Oh, blimey.
Abu's 6/1 to win Crufts,
and odds on to win the Grand National.
LAUGHTER Next.
"Playing French game of boules drunk."
"Refusing to use a spoon to stir his coffee.”
LAUGHTER
The answer is actually...
LAUGHTER
It actually put several of the other customers
off their breakfast Stellas.
LAUGHTER
Next.
"His dukedom is not legal.” "Title is not legal.”
"His castle is not legal.” You're quite close.
Yeah. It's actually...
The name was too long under Spanish law
to be legally registered.
The Duke wanted to call his daughter...
OVER-DUBBED: Sofia Fernanda Dolores Cayetana Teresa
Angela de la Cruz Micaela del Santisimo Sacramento del Perpetuo
Socorro de la Santisima Trinidad y de Todos Los Santos.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Oh! You said that without moving your lips.
And finally...
If you've just held on to your constituency against the odds!
LAUGHTER
If you're lan Hislop and you're winning "Have I Got News For You?"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
The answer is...
It's a sure sign. Yeah.
It's from dreams sent in by readers of Lucid Dreaming Experience.
Incidentally, if you're dreaming
and it suddenly starts raining,
I'd wake up and get to the toilet.
LAUGHTER
So, the final scores are
lan and Emmanuel have four,
Paul and Dehenna with five.
No!
APPLAUSE
But before we go there is just time for the caption competition.
"I think the sun blocker we're using is too strong."
LAUGHTER
"New Beckham documentary."
LAUGHTER
"I'll say it once, I'll say it again,
"I never wanted to move to Welwyn Garden City."
LAUGHTER
On which note, we say thank you to our panel lists,
lan Hislop and Emmanuel Sonubi,
Paul Merton and Dehenna Davison.
And I leave you with news that
in Ashton's, staff pull together to make all the preparations
for Angela Rayner's next constituency meeting...
LAUGHTER
Producers of The Apprentice say screen tests
for a replacement for Lord Sugar aren't going well.
LAUGHTER
And at a rally in Florida,
attendees get more than they bargained for
as Donald Trump bends down to pick up a pen mid-speech.
LAUGHTER, GROANS
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE