CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
I'm Richard Ayoade.
In the news this week, in Bedford, there is evidence that
Shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves is already pulling out all the stops
to get some spending money into the Treasury.
Eight and one, 81.
Lincolnshire Council's Willy the Wheelie Bin campaign
to encourage glass recycling backfires as someone accidentally
deposits a full whisky bottle.
And a controversial military operation to use animals
for espionage purposes sees one of its most promising candidates
fail the concealment test.
On tan's team tonight is a visually impaired comedian and professional
voice-over artist who has lent his voice to a range of adverts
from lager to road safety, so he's really cornered
the lucrative drink-drive market.
Please welcome Jamie MacDonald.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a presenter who once won
an Arkwright engineering prize.
Presumably she fixed the dodgy cash register in his corner shop.
Please welcome Steph McGovern.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Jamie, have a look at this.
We've got a massive rally, we've got Mark Rowley,
the policeman, investigating the police, and there's
Suella Braverman being arrested by two policemen for hate speech.
This is the march.
Yes.
And the argument about it.
It's on the same day as Remembrance Day and there's a big
row about it despite the fact that the police think it should
be perfectly possible to have a march in one place
and the Cenotaph Remembrance service in another at different times
without them clashing.
The idea that you should have an anti-war march on the same
day as Armistice Day seems to me bizarre.
Yes.
Wildly inappropriate.
Yeah.
Armistice, from the Latin, "stop fighting".
Yes.
And the police have said, you know, we know there are some
lunatics on the marches, but we reckon we can do this.
So they all agreed and the Prime Minister said yes,
the march can go ahead, and the Home Secretary just wrote
a piece in the Times saying, "The police have let me down."”
You think, "God, if only there was someone who was in
charge of the police who she could talk to.”
Another senior politician who has called for this week's
pro-Palestinian march to be postponed is...
I should say, in the interests of balance, we would say his views
were violently opposed by Shadow Minister Malcolm Cheese.
The theory is, isn't it, that she's trying to get
sacked deliberately.
Yes, because she wants to put in her bid to be
the leader of the Tories.
Yes.
She's absolutely pushing all of Rishi's buttons.
There's a brilliant clip of the two of them sitting next to each other.
It's the first time any Tory government has
observed social distancing.
We have the footage of Suella Braverman sitting
next to Rishi Sunak.
Because without a serious Home Secretary, there can be
no serious government, and he cannot be
a serious Prime Minister.
Hear, hear.
LAUGHTER
There you go.
The thing I love about - the only thing I like about Suella -
is her name being from the Dallas character Sue Ellen.
I don't believe that.
I think it's from Nutella.
But he's still supporting her, isn't he?
Because he's not come out and said otherwise.
So do you think he's scared of her?
Aren't you?
Yes, I am.
What else does Suella Braverman want to ban?
Homeless people?
Tents.
Yes.
People using tents.
That's right.
I mean, if she was just trying to ban camping, I'd be behind it.
But then you'd have to word that bill very carefully.
You would, you would.
You would.
There'd be a lot of pantomimes would be out of business.
I'm on in Richmond this year, by the way.
Yes, she is trying to ban tents.
She said sleeping on the streets is...
It's a surprise that more people don't choose to live in opulence.
If homelessness is a lifestyle choice, it's the last
time I buy a Big Issue.
"Help the homeless"?
Aye, help you live your dream, more like.
Bugger off.
Loving it.
Let's talk about more mad people.
Is it Nadine?
Yes.
Ah!
Nadine Dorries, her explosive book...
Yes.
...The Plot.
Yes.
The Political Assassination of Boris Johnson.
It's out now.
Yeah.
There are other books available.
Like...
The Mail called The Plot...
PAUL CHUCKLES
I mean, the basic theory of the book
is there's this incredible conspiracy theory amongst top Tories
that they've managed to topple every single leader to date.
Called The Movement.
Yeah - and it produced the obvious, like most movements.
Nadine writes about...
Incompetence.
It's the characters in the book, though, as well.
So she's got, like, the Dark Lord, that's Dominic Cummings.
Yep.
Right.
She's got the Wolf, which is a bloke called Dougie Smith.
PAUL LAUGHS
Not so threatening, is it, "Dougie Smith?"
I saw Nadine Dorries do this thing on YouTube and it said,
"Dougie Smith took Boris Johnson down "and finished him off."
Perhaps it was his birthday.
This book is just completely full of things that aren't true.
But based on interviews with hundreds and hundreds
of people in her head.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Very good.
I mean, as well, it's got this whole thing about Boris's "coiled mamba".
He needs to see his tailor.
Yeah.
I did see this week it came out in the Covid inquiry that
during the early days of the pandemic, Boris Johnson
volunteered to be injected with the Covid virus
live on television.
Yes.
Is it not too late to take him up on that offer?
Now, there is some breaking news, I'm being told in my ear.
Yes?
Shut the fridge!
Nigel Farage has been confirmed as a contestant on...
Oh, no.
I'm A Celebrity.
...I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
AUDIENCE GROANS
For a fee of up to £1 million.
Of up to a million?
So it could be a quid?
Yes.
Yeah, it could be.
I hope he can find a bank that will accept it.
This is the growing row over the pro-Palestinian march
planned for Armistice Day.
Suella Braverman described this weekend's demonstration
as a "hate march",
adding, "I'm in!"
One focal point this Remembrance weekend will be the...
For most, a chance to reflect.
For Keir Starmer, a chance to go two minutes without saying
anything to offend anyone.
One name behind the shadowy group Dorries suggests is controlling
the Tories is Dougie Smith, who formerly ran the Federation
of Conservative Students, during which time they proposed...
I know what you're thinking.
"But where do they stand on Ulez?"
In Nadine Dorries's book The Plot, which oddly is the one
thing it doesn't have, she cunningly disguises her sources
by giving them code names such as...
No sign of Q, though.
Particularly at her book signing.
Paul and Steph, have a look at this.
Oh, this is the time-travelling coach back from the 18th century.
There's the Speaker of the House of Commons putting on his ceremonial
coat, there's two people getting on well with each other, one's got
a bigger poppy than the other one.
And there we have...
Well, I don't know who they are.
There we have Camilla and her bloke walking towards the thrones
to deliver the King's Peach.
LAUGHTER
It is the state opening of the King's Peach.
Yes.
It's Charles's first State Opening of Parliament as King.
Yes.
First King's Peach for over 70 years.
Who opened proceedings?
Was it Black Rod knocking on the door?
Close.
It was actually the Army with the historical Walking
of the Royal Compass prior to Charles's arrival.
Is it a moral compass?
AUDIENCE GROANS
APPLAUSE
How did the press rate Charles' speech?
Excellent.
Absolutely loved it.
Yeah.
Better than last year.
I think they felt a bit sorry for him because he obviously had
to read out a speech that wasn't written by him.
It was written by...
Stuff he didn't agree with.
Yeah, so he was having to talk about, they're going to ban fags,
which I don't think his missus will be happy about.
I mean, the Queen had to say quite a few things she didn't
agree with, didn't she?
So that kind of comes with the job.
Once you get to the top, you've just got to suck it up, haven't you?
Yeah.
Say whatever the hell they like.
Tell me about it.
Did you see George Osborne talking about being given
a hard time by the Queen?
No.
Well, we've got it here.
Let's have a look.
"You're not going to close, are you, the Highland bagpipe school
of the British Army?"
I was like, "Of course not, Your Majesty.”
So the next day, I get into the Treasury, I said,
"Is there a bagpipe school?
"And for God's sake, tell me we're not closing it down."
And the Treasury didn't know, my private office didn't know
immediately, and they scurried on and they said, "Yes,
apparently there's a Highland music school as part of the army bands
and we are making some cuts to those.”
And I said, "well, we're not any more!"
CHORTLES
A man of great principle.
Given time, he could work that up into an anecdote.
Yes.
That's a podcast.
Yeah.
Mm.
Oh, God!
What else did the King's Speech cover?
To be tougher on crime.
Yeah, exactly.
Yes.
We've got no space in jails but we're going to make
people go for longer.
I mean, it is quite funny for this government at the moment
to crack down on crime, because most crime seems to be
committed on the backbenches of the Conservative Party.
APPLAUSE
The thing that I was interested in in it, though,
is this whole Network North thing, try and improve the
journeys in the North.
Obviously they were talking about North London.
They're also getting big into the self-driving cars,
and every time that comes on the news, people
always say to me, "Oh, you'll be looking forward
to them, eh?"
In his speech, Charles announced there would be more support for...
Or just "cars", to him.
So Rishi wrote the speech, Charles read it out,
but whose big day was it really?
The Speaker's big day.
What about Lindsay?
Look at him here on BBC News, very much not being a diva.
So I am here with Sir Lindsay Hoyle, who is the Speaker of
the House of Commons, and we are in the Speaker's House.
Just to say that we are...
Had he just let off a fart, and he was, like, trying to...?
Either that or it's an unfortunate salute.
I was once invited to the Speaker's House for -
it was a party for the movers and shakers in the disability
world, and the ones that can keep still, and...
...there was no toilets in it, there was no disabled toilets in it,
it was an absolute shitshow.
Who else had an embarrassing moment during the State
Opening of Parliament?
Black Rod again.
Did he miss?
Yeah, missed the door and fell over.
Ed Davey.
His automated shoulder pads malfunctioned.
Oh, dear.
His hands are worrying me, to be honest.
What was he yukking it up at?
It was obviously new material night in the Commons.
Keir Starmer's speech, was it?
Robert Goodwill came up with an absolute zinger.
Oh, great.
Go on, then.
We have now had three women Conservative premiers...
CHEERING
...assuming the most recent one counts, of course.
LAUGHTER
Solid burn.
What's Charles looking forward to?
His birthday?
Yes.
And the fact that he's not inviting his other son.
He surprised everyone by saying that he wants his birthday to be...
So, no plans.
Have you seen the cake?
No, no.
It's a 5'10" life-size version of him.
Obviously the question is, which bit would you eat first?
Crown jewels.
According to the Daily Express, Charles' head is...
This is the first King's Speech for 70 years, which contained
a number of anti-green policies.
Outside the Palace of Westminster, protesters shouted at Charles...
To which he yelled back, "Not my speech!”
Presenting his first King's Speech, Charles was joined on the dais by...
Oi, oi, lads on tour!
Everyone do a shot when he looks across.
And so to Round Two.
The D) Deck of News.
Wow!
It's very exciting.
I'm going to play in some sick beats and I need you...
...to buzz in only when you know what story they relate to.
OK.
Fingers on buzzers.
I'm going to...
I'm going to start it.
Go on, then.
HELICOPTER WHIRRING
BLEATING
Yes.
Lonely Scottish sheep Fiona rescued at last.
Bingo!
Well done.
Yes.
This is the news that Britain's loneliest sheep has been rescued.
Where was the sheep rescued from?
On a cliff, wasn't she?
Cliff edge.
Down a cliff, that's right.
According to the New York Times...
It is an international story.
Yeah.
...the sheep had spent...
I've tried to book that holiday!
I love...
How do they know she was lonely?
Messages in bottles.
Ah.
There was a picture taken by a passing kayaker.
It has since been shorn.
Yeah.
The sheep has made a lifestyle choice.
I just don't think she's lonely.
Well, at least she's not on a podcast with Ed Balls.
Well, I mean, it makes a better story rather than happy sheep
rescued from paradise.
Yeah.
The spokeswoman for the Scottish Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals told the Sunday Times...
And she works at the local doctor's on reception.
Do you know want to know what the Daily Star Sunday called it?
Yes.
And one of the rescuers told The Sun...
And here she is.
It's fine.
It's better than being shepherd's pie.
She's actually now gone to be housed at...
They've cut off the word "abattoir" at the end.
This is the rescue of Britain's loneliest sheep.
According to the Guardian, Fiona is now such a celebrity
that she has appeared on...
In fact, as she was being lifted off the beach, Phillip Schofield
was being lowered down to replace her.
APPLAUSE
Back to the D) Deck of News.
Oh, great!
Prepare yourself for some unbelievable rhythms.
RUSTLING, CHEWING
Yes.
Oh!
Somebody unwrapping something, eating something.
That's right.
Caramac.
It's Caramac.
They're getting rid of Caramac.
It's the shocking news that Caramac might be being discontinued.
People are freaking out.
I cannot wait for the film of this!
I mean, it tastes minging, though.
Yeah, it's rank.
Does it?
Yeah!
I think it's lovely.
When's the last time you had a Caramac?
About a week ago.
Really?
No.
Branding expert Nick Ede added...
GROANING
Nice one, Nick.
Please, please, join the team any time.
Does it not taste good?
Have you never had one?
Have you ever had a chocolate bar before?
The only chocolate he gets is produced
by ambassadors at embassies.
Well, let's remind ourselves, or for me, let's see
it for the first time, Caramac in its glory.
Yeah.
# I've got fivepence Wish that I'd got fivepence
# What can you buy for fivepence?
# It buys a Caramac bar
# There's some for you and you and me
# We never knew 5p went so far.#
I've changed my mind, it should be banned.
Yes.
Look at those haircuts.
Envious?
This is the shocking news that Caramac bars are being discontinued.
This is terrible news for the chocolate industry,
which badly needs a boost.
Please tell me you can still get those.
LAUGHTER
It's time now for the Odd One Out round.
Your four are...
...Queen Elizabeth I, Cicero, John Lennon and Pierce Brosnan.
Yes.
Well, this must be something to do with voices, I think,
because John Lennon, with the help of Al,
his voice has been sort of reconstituted and was put
on the last Beatles single from a very poor-quality audio
cassette, so is it something to do with voices?
No.
NO?!
It is to do with that song.
Right, OK.
Is it to do with posthumousness?
Yes.
Well, John Lennon is dead and he's done the lyrics.
Cicero, he's dead, isn't he?
Yes.
LAUGHTER
Oh, he's well dead.
Judging by his passport photo, I'd say he's definitely dead.
Well dead.
Pierce Brosnan did Abba.
Is Pierce Brosnan the odd one out because he did Abba songs
but Abba were still alive and the others have done...?
Who did the Queen do?
Ma'ama Mia.
Ma'ama Mia!
Ma'ama Mia.
It's that they have all posthumously had their work put on show,
except for Pierce Brosnan, who has killed attempts
to show his artwork.
But what...?
Oh!
Does his artwork include the Mamma Mia film?
Because that should be killed.
It is a kind of artwork. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aww.
Why has Pierce Brosnan told the people of Derbyshire
that they can't see his work?
Because he doesn't have any.
Oh, he's got work - and this winter, a gallery
in Derbyshire was set to host Pierce Brosnan's first UK art
exhibition but the actor kicked off, saying there would be no show
and that as far as he was concerned...
Which is also how I felt about the exhibition.
LAUGHTER
Do you want to see the kind of painting Pierce Brosnan does?
Yeah.
Which is actually the instruction booklet for the Mamma Mia DVD.
It's a man putting earplugs...
Ah.
That's a very good joke, then, from Richard.
Yes, thank you.
LAUGHTER
What was Brosnan's main problem with the
proposed exhibition?
The gallery advertised...
And he took umbrage with that, saying he would never charge
for a meet and greet, and lawyers have issued
a cease and desist letter - but despite the threat,
Brosnan still plans to carry on producing art.
Cicero's legal work is being re-examined.
Recently a room of high-level barristers took part in a mock trial
which cleared Cicero of unlawfully sentencing five men
to death without trial.
Oh, in the Catiline conspiracy?
Yes, exactly.
It was a terrible miscarriage, I'm still cross.
I couldn't sleep at night.
Ah.
LAUGHTER
It's the Wagatha Christie of its day, wasn't it?
Certainly was.
According to the Times...
Yes?
...similar historical trials have recently acquitted...
Although the jury is still out on the planning permission
for Hadrian's wall.
LAUGHTER
Names have changed over the years.
Used to be Boadicea, didn't she?
Yeah.
Now it's Boudica.
Mm.
Nest-lay used to be Nestle.
What's going on?
What's going on with the world?
Yeah - Snickers used to be Marathon.
I beg your pardon? Knickers?
Oh, Snickers, sorry, yes. Snickers.
That's right, yeah.
Walnut Whip used to be the Leader of the Opposition.
LAUGHTER
what early work of Queen Elizabeth II
recently went on display?
Is it a drawing?
Yes.
It was a drawing that young Princess Elizabeth drew and sent
to Peter Pan author JM Barrie.
And this has gone up for sale.
Here's the picture.
Why is it wearing a hairnet?
Also, why has it got so many windows in the roof?
Yeah.
Well, the Queen Mother in her letter to Barrie said
that her daughter had...
...and that the drawing itself was...
LAUGHTER
That's a very warm family.
John Lennon's voice is being recreated for a newly
released Beatles song.
Speaking about modern music, Rolling Stones guitarist
Keith Richards dismissed it as...
Keith, something is wrong with your toilet.
LAUGHTER
You need to call a plumber, Keith.
It shouldn't be going two ways.
Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features
as its guest publication Sweep Stuff magazine.
The newsletter of the Guild of Master Chimney Sweeps.
We start with...
Man in Newbury digs up potato that looks
like Clement Attlee riding a bike.
That looks like Madonna siphoning petrol out of a Volkswagen.
Looks like two Norwegians fighting over a sponge cake.
Yes!
You what?!
No.
The answer is...
Here is retired teacher Chris Gittins.
No!
It looks more like a pig.
Do you know what?
I think it looks more like a potato.
I am looking at the right object, aren't I?
Here he is, holding it by a fence.
Here he is, pointing at it.
LAUGHTER
And here he is, pretending to be frightened by it.
Where did he dig it up?
In a dog sanctuary.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
Next...
They don't like it up 'em!
The Scots are most approachable.
The article also reveals that the Guild of Master Chimney
Sweeps are working with...
Presumably helping them brush things under the carpet.
FR Leavis.
LAUGHTER
A tiny remnant of a chimney sweep's brush.
Is it Chaucer's hairdryer?
The ceiling to the floor below.
Yes!
Got to be.
That's the one.
Electrician finds stash of dirty mags from the 1940s...
Ah!
...under the floorboards at Oxford University.
Electrician Stuart Panter...
GRADUAL LAUGHTER
What were the dirty mags in the 1940s called?
Ankle?
Yeah.
Finally...
A new brush!
You're not far off.
I know I'm not, that's what I'm saying it.
I know.
It's if you win the caption competition...
Yeah.
Oh!
...could be yours.
Has it got a hole in the middle?
LAUGHTER
Where your head goes.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
LAUGHTER
His explanation got a bigger laugh
than my original joke!
This is a competition in the magazine Sweep Stuff.
We've got one of the caption competitions here,
if anyone fancies a go.
Oh, yeah.
Speedy bricklayers embarrass badly parked motorist.
Just a car, just put on the top.
First driver less car sold to blind person.
LAUGHTER
To escape his pursuers, James Bond rapidly deploys
the emergency chimney device.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I couldn't park up there.
The winner goes to lan for "I couldn't park up there."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wonderful polo shirt.
You can pass that along.
Just given me my prize, which is a shirt covered
in genuine coal dust.
You must be delighted.
I will, I'WL give it to one of the small boys who I've hired...
LAUGHTER
That sounds wrong, by the way!
LAUGHTER
And we'll be tackling that story next week.
For younger viewers watching, who may not know what a chimney
sweep was, it was a job usually done by a small child who could climb up
a chimney to dislodge the soot.
The children were often found living on the streets.
But don't feel sorry for them, it was very much a lifestyle choice.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So the final scores are...
...lan and Jamie have six...
...Paul and Steph only have five.
Ohhhh!
Excellent.
SPEECH DROWNED BY CHEERS
On which note, we say thank you to our panel lists,
lan Hislop and Jamie MacDonald,
Paul Merton and Steph McGovern - and I leave you with news that
following the success of a life-size King Charles birthday cake,
bakers turn their hand to commemorate lain Duncan Smith's
time as the leader of the Conservatives.
LAUGHTER
At the White House, as they head out for a state banquet,
Jill Biden regrets asking Joe to help her with her mascara.
LAUGHTER
And in London, after getting dressed in the dark,
one man realises he has accidentally put on his wife's thong.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING