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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening.

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Welcome to Have I Got News for You.

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I'm Richard Ayoade.

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In the news this week, in Bedford,
there is evidence that

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Shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves
is already pulling out all the stops

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to get some spending
money into the Treasury.

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Eight and one, 81.

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Lincolnshire Council's Willy
the Wheelie Bin campaign

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to encourage glass recycling
backfires as someone accidentally

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deposits a full whisky bottle.

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And a controversial military
operation to use animals

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for espionage purposes sees one
of its most promising candidates

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fail the concealment test.

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On tan's team tonight is a visually
impaired comedian and professional

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voice-over artist who has
lent his voice to a range of adverts

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from lager to road safety,
so he's really cornered

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the lucrative drink-drive market.

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Please welcome Jamie MacDonald.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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On Paul's team tonight
is a presenter who once won

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an Arkwright engineering prize.

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Presumably she fixed the dodgy cash
register in his corner shop.

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Please welcome Steph McGovern.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.

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Ian and Jamie, have a look at this.

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We've got a massive rally,
we've got Mark Rowley,

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the policeman, investigating
the police, and there's

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Suella Braverman being arrested
by two policemen for hate speech.

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This is the march.

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Yes.

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And the argument about it.

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It's on the same day
as Remembrance Day and there's a big

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row about it despite the fact
that the police think it should

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be perfectly possible
to have a march in one place

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and the Cenotaph Remembrance service
in another at different times

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without them clashing.

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The idea that you should
have an anti-war march on the same

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day as Armistice Day seems
to me bizarre.

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Yes.

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Wildly inappropriate.

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Yeah.

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Armistice, from the Latin,
"stop fighting".

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Yes.

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And the police have said, you know,
we know there are some

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lunatics on the marches,
but we reckon we can do this.

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So they all agreed and
the Prime Minister said yes,

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the march can go ahead,
and the Home Secretary just wrote

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a piece in the Times saying,
"The police have let me down."”

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You think, "God, if only
there was someone who was in

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charge of the police
who she could talk to.”

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Another senior politician who has
called for this week's

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pro-Palestinian march
to be postponed is...

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I should say, in the interests
of balance, we would say his views

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were violently opposed
by Shadow Minister Malcolm Cheese.

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The theory is, isn't it,
that she's trying to get

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sacked deliberately.

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Yes, because she wants
to put in her bid to be

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the leader of the Tories.

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Yes.

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She's absolutely pushing
all of Rishi's buttons.

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There's a brilliant clip of the two
of them sitting next to each other.

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It's the first time any
Tory government has

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observed social distancing.

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We have the footage
of Suella Braverman sitting

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next to Rishi Sunak.

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Because without a serious
Home Secretary, there can be

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no serious government,
and he cannot be

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a serious Prime Minister.

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Hear, hear.

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LAUGHTER

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There you go.

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The thing I love about -
the only thing I like about Suella -

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is her name being from the Dallas
character Sue Ellen.

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I don't believe that.

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I think it's from Nutella.

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But he's still supporting
her, isn't he?

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Because he's not come
out and said otherwise.

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So do you think he's scared of her?

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Aren't you?

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Yes, I am.

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What else does Suella
Braverman want to ban?

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Homeless people?

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Tents.

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Yes.

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People using tents.

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That's right.

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I mean, if she was just trying
to ban camping, I'd be behind it.

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But then you'd have to word that
bill very carefully.

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You would, you would.

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You would.

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There'd be a lot of pantomimes
would be out of business.

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I'm on in Richmond
this year, by the way.

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Yes, she is trying to ban tents.

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She said sleeping
on the streets is...

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It's a surprise that more people
don't choose to live in opulence.

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If homelessness is a lifestyle
choice, it's the last

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time I buy a Big Issue.

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"Help the homeless"?

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Aye, help you live
your dream, more like.

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Bugger off.

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Loving it.

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Let's talk about more mad people.

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Is it Nadine?

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Yes.

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Ah!

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Nadine Dorries,
her explosive book...

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Yes.

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...The Plot.

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Yes.

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The Political Assassination
of Boris Johnson.

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It's out now.

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Yeah.

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There are other books available.

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Like...

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The Mail called The Plot...

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PAUL CHUCKLES

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I mean,
the basic theory of the book

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is there's this incredible
conspiracy theory amongst top Tories

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that they've managed to topple every
single leader to date.

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Called The Movement.

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Yeah - and it produced the obvious,
like most movements.

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Nadine writes about...

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Incompetence.

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It's the characters
in the book, though, as well.

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So she's got, like, the Dark Lord,
that's Dominic Cummings.

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Yep.

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Right.

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She's got the Wolf, which is a bloke
called Dougie Smith.

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PAUL LAUGHS

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Not so threatening,
is it, "Dougie Smith?"

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I saw Nadine Dorries do this thing
on YouTube and it said,

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"Dougie Smith took Boris Johnson
down "and finished him off."

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Perhaps it was his birthday.

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This book is just completely full
of things that aren't true.

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But based on interviews
with hundreds and hundreds

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of people in her head.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Very good.

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I mean, as well, it's got this whole
thing about Boris's "coiled mamba".

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He needs to see his tailor.

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Yeah.

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I did see this week it came out
in the Covid inquiry that

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during the early days
of the pandemic, Boris Johnson

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volunteered to be injected
with the Covid virus

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live on television.

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Yes.

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Is it not too late to take
him up on that offer?

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Now, there is some breaking news,
I'm being told in my ear.

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Yes?

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Shut the fridge!

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Nigel Farage has been confirmed
as a contestant on...

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Oh, no.

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I'm A Celebrity.

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...I'm A Celebrity,
Get Me Out Of Here.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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For a fee of up to £1 million.

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Of up to a million?

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So it could be a quid?

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Yes.

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Yeah, it could be.

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I hope he can find a bank
that will accept it.

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This is the growing row over
the pro-Palestinian march

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planned for Armistice Day.

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Suella Braverman described this
weekend's demonstration

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as a "hate march",

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adding, "I'm in!"

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One focal point this Remembrance
weekend will be the...

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For most, a chance to reflect.

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For Keir Starmer, a chance to go two
minutes without saying

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anything to offend anyone.

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One name behind the shadowy group
Dorries suggests is controlling

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the Tories is Dougie Smith,
who formerly ran the Federation

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of Conservative Students,
during which time they proposed...

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I know what you're thinking.

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"But where do they stand on Ulez?"

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In Nadine Dorries's book The Plot,
which oddly is the one

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thing it doesn't have,
she cunningly disguises her sources

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by giving them code names such as...

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No sign of Q, though.

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Particularly at her book signing.

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Paul and Steph, have a look at this.

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Oh, this is the time-travelling
coach back from the 18th century.

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There's the Speaker of the House
of Commons putting on his ceremonial

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coat, there's two people getting
on well with each other, one's got

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a bigger poppy than the other one.

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And there we have...

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Well, I don't know who they are.

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There we have Camilla and her bloke
walking towards the thrones

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to deliver the King's Peach.

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LAUGHTER

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It is the state opening
of the King's Peach.

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Yes.

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It's Charles's first State Opening
of Parliament as King.

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Yes.

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First King's Peach
for over 70 years.

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Who opened proceedings?

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Was it Black Rod
knocking on the door?

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Close.

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It was actually the Army
with the historical Walking

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of the Royal Compass prior
to Charles's arrival.

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Is it a moral compass?

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,215
APPLAUSE

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00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,215
How did the press
rate Charles' speech?

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00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,255
Excellent.

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00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:08,295
Absolutely loved it.

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00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:09,415
Yeah.

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00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,135
Better than last year.

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00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:15,215
I think they felt a bit sorry
for him because he obviously had

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00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,615
to read out a speech that wasn't
written by him.

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00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:18,895
It was written by...

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Stuff he didn't agree with.

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00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,215
Yeah, so he was having to talk
about, they're going to ban fags,

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00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,495
which I don't think his missus
will be happy about.

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00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,655
I mean, the Queen had to say quite
a few things she didn't

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00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:30,615
agree with, didn't she?

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00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,575
So that kind of comes with the job.

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Once you get to the top, you've just
got to suck it up, haven't you?

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Yeah.

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00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:38,615
Say whatever the hell they like.

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00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:39,655
Tell me about it.

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00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,815
Did you see George Osborne
talking about being given

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00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,255
a hard time by the Queen?

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00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:44,295
No.

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00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:45,495
Well, we've got it here.

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00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,415
Let's have a look.

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00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:50,015
"You're not going to close, are you,
the Highland bagpipe school

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00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,095
of the British Army?"

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00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,255
I was like, "Of course
not, Your Majesty.”

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So the next day, I get
into the Treasury, I said,

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"Is there a bagpipe school?

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00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,335
"And for God's sake,
tell me we're not closing it down."

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00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,735
And the Treasury didn't know,
my private office didn't know

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00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:06,335
immediately, and they scurried
on and they said, "Yes,

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00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,175
apparently there's a Highland music
school as part of the army bands

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00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,295
and we are making
some cuts to those.”

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00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,575
And I said, "well,
we're not any more!"

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CHORTLES

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00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,935
A man of great principle.

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00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:26,015
Given time, he could work that
up into an anecdote.

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00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:27,495
Yes.

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00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,495
That's a podcast.

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00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:29,535
Yeah.

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00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:30,615
Mm.

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00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:33,895
Oh, God!

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00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,575
What else did the
King's Speech cover?

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00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:36,775
To be tougher on crime.

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00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:37,775
Yeah, exactly.

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00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:38,855
Yes.

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00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,495
We've got no space in jails
but we're going to make

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00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:42,535
people go for longer.

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00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,415
I mean, it is quite funny for this
government at the moment

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00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,055
to crack down on crime,
because most crime seems to be

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00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,535
committed on the backbenches
of the Conservative Party.

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00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,415
APPLAUSE

258
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,775
The thing that
I was interested in in it, though,

259
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,175
is this whole Network North thing,
try and improve the

260
00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,335
journeys in the North.

261
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:04,975
Obviously they were talking
about North London.

262
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,935
They're also getting big
into the self-driving cars,

263
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,095
and every time that comes
on the news, people

264
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,215
always say to me, "Oh,
you'll be looking forward

265
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,375
to them, eh?"

266
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,135
In his speech, Charles announced
there would be more support for...

267
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:23,295
Or just "cars", to him.

268
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,495
So Rishi wrote the speech,
Charles read it out,

269
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:27,375
but whose big day was it really?

270
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,375
The Speaker's big day.

271
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:29,975
What about Lindsay?

272
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,735
Look at him here on BBC News,
very much not being a diva.

273
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,855
So I am here with Sir Lindsay Hoyle,
who is the Speaker of

274
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,935
the House of Commons,
and we are in the Speaker's House.

275
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:45,015
Just to say that we are...

276
00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:49,175
Had he just let off a fart,
and he was, like, trying to...?

277
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:55,615
Either that or it's
an unfortunate salute.

278
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,655
I was once invited to
the Speaker's House for -

279
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:01,535
it was a party for the movers
and shakers in the disability

280
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:05,455
world, and the ones that
can keep still, and...

281
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,535
...there was no toilets in it,
there was no disabled toilets in it,

282
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:12,095
it was an absolute shitshow.

283
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,255
Who else had an embarrassing
moment during the State

284
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:15,295
Opening of Parliament?

285
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:16,295
Black Rod again.

286
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,375
Did he miss?

287
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,255
Yeah, missed the door and fell over.

288
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,895
Ed Davey.

289
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,615
His automated shoulder
pads malfunctioned.

290
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:28,295
Oh, dear.

291
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:37,295
His hands are worrying
me, to be honest.

292
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,335
What was he yukking it up at?

293
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,495
It was obviously new material
night in the Commons.

294
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,135
Keir Starmer's speech, was it?

295
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,455
Robert Goodwill came up
with an absolute zinger.

296
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,575
Oh, great.

297
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:49,575
Go on, then.

298
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,455
We have now had three women
Conservative premiers...

299
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,935
CHEERING

300
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,215
...assuming the most recent
one counts, of course.

301
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:01,695
LAUGHTER

302
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:05,575
Solid burn.

303
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,255
What's Charles looking forward to?

304
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,295
His birthday?

305
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:09,375
Yes.

306
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,015
And the fact that he's not
inviting his other son.

307
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,735
He surprised everyone by saying
that he wants his birthday to be...

308
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:19,175
So, no plans.

309
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,655
Have you seen the cake?

310
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:22,695
No, no.

311
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,735
It's a 5'10" life-size
version of him.

312
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,815
Obviously the question is,
which bit would you eat first?

313
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,495
Crown jewels.

314
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:37,255
According to the Daily Express,
Charles' head is...

315
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:43,615
This is the first King's Speech
for 70 years, which contained

316
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:47,455
a number of anti-green policies.

317
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:51,135
Outside the Palace of Westminster,
protesters shouted at Charles...

318
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:55,935
To which he yelled
back, "Not my speech!”

319
00:14:55,960 --> 00:15:00,775
Presenting his first King's Speech,
Charles was joined on the dais by...

320
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,935
Oi, oi, lads on tour!

321
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:14,295
Everyone do a shot
when he looks across.

322
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,015
And so to Round Two.

323
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,975
The D) Deck of News.

324
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,095
Wow!

325
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,175
It's very exciting.

326
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:24,775
I'm going to play in some sick
beats and I need you...

327
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,695
...to buzz in only when you know
what story they relate to.

328
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:29,735
OK.

329
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:30,775
Fingers on buzzers.

330
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:31,815
I'm going to...

331
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,015
I'm going to start it.

332
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,055
Go on, then.

333
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,575
HELICOPTER WHIRRING

334
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,655
BLEATING

335
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:39,855
Yes.

336
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:43,655
Lonely Scottish sheep
Fiona rescued at last.

337
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:44,735
Bingo!

338
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:45,735
Well done.

339
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:46,815
Yes.

340
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:51,615
This is the news that Britain's
loneliest sheep has been rescued.

341
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,455
Where was the sheep rescued from?

342
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,615
On a cliff, wasn't she?

343
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:55,695
Cliff edge.

344
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:56,895
Down a cliff, that's right.

345
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:58,335
According to the New York Times...

346
00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,535
It is an international story.

347
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:00,575
Yeah.

348
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,415
...the sheep had spent...

349
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:07,495
I've tried to book that holiday!

350
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:08,535
I love...

351
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,215
How do they know she was lonely?

352
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,215
Messages in bottles.

353
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:12,295
Ah.

354
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,455
There was a picture taken
by a passing kayaker.

355
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:15,655
It has since been shorn.

356
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:16,695
Yeah.

357
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,495
The sheep has made
a lifestyle choice.

358
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,215
I just don't think she's lonely.

359
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:25,655
Well, at least she's not
on a podcast with Ed Balls.

360
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,495
Well, I mean, it makes a better
story rather than happy sheep

361
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,535
rescued from paradise.

362
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,415
Yeah.

363
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,975
The spokeswoman for the Scottish
Society for the Prevention

364
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:40,375
of Cruelty to Animals told
the Sunday Times...

365
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:50,175
And she works at the local
doctor's on reception.

366
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,255
Do you know want to know what
the Daily Star Sunday called it?

367
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:58,055
Yes.

368
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:03,215
And one of the rescuers
told The Sun...

369
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:07,335
And here she is.

370
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,655
It's fine.

371
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,375
It's better than
being shepherd's pie.

372
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,215
She's actually now gone
to be housed at...

373
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:23,175
They've cut off the word
"abattoir" at the end.

374
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,575
This is the rescue of
Britain's loneliest sheep.

375
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,295
According to the Guardian,
Fiona is now such a celebrity

376
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:34,135
that she has appeared on...

377
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:37,175
In fact, as she was being lifted off
the beach, Phillip Schofield

378
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,495
was being lowered down
to replace her.

379
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:44,055
APPLAUSE

380
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,895
Back to the D) Deck of News.

381
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,095
Oh, great!

382
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:50,135
Prepare yourself for some
unbelievable rhythms.

383
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:54,615
RUSTLING, CHEWING

384
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:55,655
Yes.

385
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:56,695
Oh!

386
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:57,895
Somebody unwrapping
something, eating something.

387
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:58,935
That's right.

388
00:17:58,960 --> 00:17:59,975
Caramac.

389
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,015
Caramac.

390
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,055
It's Caramac.

391
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,295
They're getting rid of Caramac.

392
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:06,695
It's the shocking news that Caramac
might be being discontinued.

393
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,535
People are freaking out.

394
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:12,055
I cannot wait for the film of this!

395
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,655
I mean, it tastes minging, though.

396
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,655
Yeah, it's rank.

397
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:16,695
Does it?

398
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:17,775
Yeah!

399
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:18,855
I think it's lovely.

400
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,735
When's the last time
you had a Caramac?

401
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:21,735
About a week ago.

402
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:22,775
Really?

403
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:23,855
No.

404
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,415
Branding expert Nick Ede added...

405
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,095
GROANING

406
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,255
Nice one, Nick.

407
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,055
Please, please, join
the team any time.

408
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,255
Does it not taste good?

409
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,055
Have you never had one?

410
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:40,935
Have you ever had
a chocolate bar before?

411
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,615
The only chocolate
he gets is produced

412
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:46,735
by ambassadors at embassies.

413
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,895
Well, let's remind ourselves,
or for me, let's see

414
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,455
it for the first time,
Caramac in its glory.

415
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:52,535
Yeah.

416
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,255
# I've got fivepence
Wish that I'd got fivepence

417
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,935
# What can you buy for fivepence?

418
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,655
# It buys a Caramac bar

419
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:02,335
# There's some for
you and you and me

420
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:06,615
# We never knew 5p went so far.#

421
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,495
I've changed my mind,
it should be banned.

422
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,055
Yes.

423
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,535
Look at those haircuts.

424
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:18,055
Envious?

425
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:22,775
This is the shocking news that
Caramac bars are being discontinued.

426
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,695
This is terrible news
for the chocolate industry,

427
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,135
which badly needs a boost.

428
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,255
Please tell me you can
still get those.

429
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,775
LAUGHTER

430
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,135
It's time now
for the Odd One Out round.

431
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,935
Your four are...

432
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:40,735
...Queen Elizabeth I, Cicero,
John Lennon and Pierce Brosnan.

433
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:43,775
Yes.

434
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,495
Well, this must be something to do
with voices, I think,

435
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,415
because John Lennon,
with the help of Al,

436
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,815
his voice has been sort
of reconstituted and was put

437
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,215
on the last Beatles single
from a very poor-quality audio

438
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,335
cassette, so is it something
to do with voices?

439
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,375
No.

440
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,295
NO?!

441
00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,975
It is to do with that song.

442
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,015
Right, OK.

443
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,455
Is it to do with posthumousness?

444
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:03,535
Yes.

445
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,895
Well, John Lennon is dead
and he's done the lyrics.

446
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,135
Cicero, he's dead, isn't he?

447
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,175
Yes.

448
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,775
LAUGHTER

449
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,015
Oh, he's well dead.

450
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,495
Judging by his passport photo,
I'd say he's definitely dead.

451
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:14,775
Well dead.

452
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,375
Pierce Brosnan did Abba.

453
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:19,255
Is Pierce Brosnan the odd one out
because he did Abba songs

454
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,335
but Abba were still alive
and the others have done...?

455
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,255
Who did the Queen do?

456
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,895
Ma'ama Mia.

457
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:26,935
Ma'ama Mia!

458
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,015
Ma'ama Mia.

459
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,895
It's that they have all posthumously
had their work put on show,

460
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,775
except for Pierce Brosnan,
who has killed attempts

461
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,215
to show his artwork.

462
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,255
But what...?

463
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:38,295
Oh!

464
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,215
Does his artwork include
the Mamma Mia film?

465
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,415
Because that should be killed.

466
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:45,615
It is a kind of artwork.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aww.

467
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,775
Why has Pierce Brosnan told
the people of Derbyshire

468
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,215
that they can't see his work?

469
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:50,775
Because he doesn't have any.

470
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,495
Oh, he's got work -
and this winter, a gallery

471
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,215
in Derbyshire was set to host
Pierce Brosnan's first UK art

472
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,135
exhibition but the actor kicked off,
saying there would be no show

473
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:05,095
and that as far as
he was concerned...

474
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:09,015
Which is also how I felt
about the exhibition.

475
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:10,095
LAUGHTER

476
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,895
Do you want to see the kind
of painting Pierce Brosnan does?

477
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:13,975
Yeah.

478
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:18,855
Which is actually the instruction
booklet for the Mamma Mia DVD.

479
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,655
It's a man putting earplugs...

480
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,015
Ah.

481
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:24,895
That's a very good joke,
then, from Richard.

482
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,255
Yes, thank you.

483
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:29,175
LAUGHTER

484
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,215
What was Brosnan's
main problem with the

485
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:32,535
proposed exhibition?

486
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,895
The gallery advertised...

487
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,575
And he took umbrage with that,
saying he would never charge

488
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,735
for a meet and greet,
and lawyers have issued

489
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,935
a cease and desist letter -
but despite the threat,

490
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:51,695
Brosnan still plans
to carry on producing art.

491
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,895
Cicero's legal work
is being re-examined.

492
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,415
Recently a room of high-level
barristers took part in a mock trial

493
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,855
which cleared Cicero of unlawfully
sentencing five men

494
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,975
to death without trial.

495
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,375
Oh, in the Catiline conspiracy?

496
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,655
Yes, exactly.

497
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,095
It was a terrible miscarriage,
I'm still cross.

498
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,295
I couldn't sleep at night.

499
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:10,575
Ah.

500
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:11,855
LAUGHTER

501
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,975
It's the Wagatha Christie
of its day, wasn't it?

502
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,015
Certainly was.

503
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:16,055
According to the Times...

504
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,095
Yes?

505
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:21,295
...similar historical trials have
recently acquitted...

506
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,735
Although the jury is still out
on the planning permission

507
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:27,775
for Hadrian's wall.

508
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,375
LAUGHTER

509
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:31,815
Names have changed over the years.

510
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,215
Used to be Boadicea, didn't she?

511
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:34,295
Yeah.

512
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:35,335
Now it's Boudica.

513
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,375
Mm.

514
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:37,575
Nest-lay used to be Nestle.

515
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:38,615
What's going on?

516
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,055
What's going on with the world?

517
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,735
Yeah - Snickers used to be Marathon.

518
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:42,935
I beg your pardon?
Knickers?

519
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,135
Oh, Snickers, sorry, yes.
Snickers.

520
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,175
That's right, yeah.

521
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,575
Walnut Whip used to be
the Leader of the Opposition.

522
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,375
LAUGHTER

523
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,055
what early work
of Queen Elizabeth II

524
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,575
recently went on display?

525
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:55,575
Is it a drawing?

526
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:56,655
Yes.

527
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,295
It was a drawing that young
Princess Elizabeth drew and sent

528
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,535
to Peter Pan author JM Barrie.

529
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,215
And this has gone up for sale.

530
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,255
Here's the picture.

531
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,295
Why is it wearing a hairnet?

532
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,935
Also, why has it got so many
windows in the roof?

533
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:11,975
Yeah.

534
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,375
Well, the Queen Mother
in her letter to Barrie said

535
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,535
that her daughter had...

536
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,575
...and that the drawing itself was...

537
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,615
LAUGHTER

538
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:26,815
That's a very warm family.

539
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:28,975
John Lennon's voice is being
recreated for a newly

540
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,615
released Beatles song.

541
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:32,495
Speaking about modern music,
Rolling Stones guitarist

542
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:37,535
Keith Richards dismissed it as...

543
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:41,095
Keith, something is
wrong with your toilet.

544
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,655
LAUGHTER

545
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,575
You need to
call a plumber, Keith.

546
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,855
It shouldn't be going two ways.

547
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,535
Time now for the Missing Words
round, which this week features

548
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:54,455
as its guest publication
Sweep Stuff magazine.

549
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:58,255
The newsletter of the Guild
of Master Chimney Sweeps.

550
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:01,215
We start with...

551
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:04,255
Man in Newbury digs
up potato that looks

552
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:05,695
like Clement Attlee riding a bike.

553
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,855
That looks like Madonna siphoning
petrol out of a Volkswagen.

554
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,975
Looks like two Norwegians
fighting over a sponge cake.

555
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,015
Yes!

556
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:13,055
You what?!

557
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:14,175
No.

558
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,535
The answer is...

559
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:20,575
Here is retired
teacher Chris Gittins.

560
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,375
No!

561
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,775
It looks more like a pig.

562
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:24,855
Do you know what?

563
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,175
I think it looks more like a potato.

564
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,895
I am looking at the right
object, aren't I?

565
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:32,135
Here he is, holding it by a fence.

566
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:36,895
Here he is, pointing at it.

567
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:37,975
LAUGHTER

568
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,215
And here he is,
pretending to be frightened by it.

569
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:42,655
Where did he dig it up?

570
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,415
In a dog sanctuary.

571
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:46,175
GROANS AND LAUGHTER

572
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,575
Next...

573
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,535
They don't like it up 'em!

574
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,855
The Scots are most approachable.

575
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,215
The article also reveals
that the Guild of Master Chimney

576
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:03,175
Sweeps are working with...

577
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:08,815
Presumably helping them brush
things under the carpet.

578
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,015
FR Leavis.

579
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,375
LAUGHTER

580
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:21,535
A tiny remnant
of a chimney sweep's brush.

581
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:24,095
Is it Chaucer's hairdryer?

582
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,335
The ceiling to the floor below.

583
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:28,135
Yes!

584
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:29,175
Got to be.

585
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:30,255
That's the one.

586
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:34,175
Electrician finds stash of dirty
mags from the 1940s...

587
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,255
Ah!

588
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:36,855
...under the floorboards
at Oxford University.

589
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,295
Electrician Stuart Panter...

590
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,135
GRADUAL LAUGHTER

591
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,255
What were the dirty
mags in the 1940s called?

592
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:46,295
Ankle?

593
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:47,335
Yeah.

594
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:50,815
Finally...

595
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,855
A new brush!

596
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:54,935
You're not far off.

597
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,055
I know I'm not, that's
what I'm saying it.

598
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,135
I know.

599
00:25:58,160 --> 00:25:59,775
It's if you win the
caption competition...

600
00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,215
Yeah.

601
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:03,255
Oh!

602
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:04,295
Oh!

603
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:05,375
Oh!

604
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:06,415
...could be yours.

605
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:08,295
Has it got a hole in the middle?

606
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:09,375
LAUGHTER

607
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:10,375
Where your head goes.

608
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:11,455
Yeah.

609
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:12,455
Yeah, exactly.

610
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:13,535
LAUGHTER

611
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:14,975
His explanation
got a bigger laugh

612
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:16,015
than my original joke!

613
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,455
This is a competition
in the magazine Sweep Stuff.

614
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,375
We've got one of the caption
competitions here,

615
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,055
if anyone fancies a go.

616
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,175
Oh, yeah.

617
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:28,455
Speedy bricklayers embarrass
badly parked motorist.

618
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,935
Just a car, just put on the top.

619
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,855
First driver less car
sold to blind person.

620
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,735
LAUGHTER

621
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,895
To escape his pursuers,
James Bond rapidly deploys

622
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,215
the emergency chimney device.

623
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,175
LAUGHTER

624
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,975
Yeah, I couldn't park up there.

625
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:47,535
The winner goes to lan
for "I couldn't park up there."

626
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,535
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

627
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,655
Wonderful polo shirt.

628
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,255
You can pass that along.

629
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,615
Just given me my prize,
which is a shirt covered

630
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,495
in genuine coal dust.

631
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:01,015
You must be delighted.

632
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:04,335
I will, I'WL give it to one
of the small boys who I've hired...

633
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:05,895
LAUGHTER

634
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,015
That sounds wrong, by the way!

635
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,375
LAUGHTER

636
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:15,535
And we'll be tackling
that story next week.

637
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,215
For younger viewers watching,
who may not know what a chimney

638
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:22,015
sweep was, it was a job usually done
by a small child who could climb up

639
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,055
a chimney to dislodge the soot.

640
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,215
The children were often found
living on the streets.

641
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,935
But don't feel sorry for them,
it was very much a lifestyle choice.

642
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:35,815
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

643
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:37,815
So the final scores are...

644
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,335
...lan and Jamie have six...

645
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,455
...Paul and Steph only have five.

646
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:43,495
Ohhhh!

647
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,575
Excellent.

648
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,055
SPEECH DROWNED BY CHEERS

649
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,455
On which note, we say thank
you to our panel lists,

650
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:51,095
lan Hislop and Jamie MacDonald,

651
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:54,215
Paul Merton and Steph McGovern -
and I leave you with news that

652
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:56,855
following the success of a life-size
King Charles birthday cake,

653
00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:00,655
bakers turn their hand
to commemorate lain Duncan Smith's

654
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:04,535
time as the leader
of the Conservatives.

655
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,335
LAUGHTER

656
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:10,375
At the White House, as they head out
for a state banquet,

657
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:14,535
Jill Biden regrets asking Joe
to help her with her mascara.

658
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,055
LAUGHTER

659
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:20,375
And in London,
after getting dressed in the dark,

660
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:24,975
one man realises he has accidentally
put on his wife's thong.

661
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,895
LAUGHTER

662
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:30,415
Goodnight.

663
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:37,215
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING