This program me contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Guz Khan.
In the news this week...
After an all-night rave, one man is still so smashed
he almost sets off for work without his coat.
After attempting a style overhaul with a few Jacamo purchases, one man
is relieved when his new jacket gets a positive reaction from some
neutral passers-by.
And as food bank usage reaches record levels
in the run up for Christmas, Number 10 devises a plan to make
sure local schoolchildren get their fair share.
On tan's team tonight, a broadcaster and journalist
who recently cut the ribbon at the official opening
of a new retirement home.
Though she was a bit cross when they offered her
a brochure on the way out.
Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight,
a comedian who recently revealed that he once bought
an ex-British Army tank.
Sounds quite fun.
But on the downside, he actually outbid President Zelensky.
Please welcome Mr Ross Noble.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We start Round 1.
Ian and Janet, have a look at this.
He's got the hammer the wrong way.
Yeah.
It's the Elgin Marbles.
The Parthenon sculptures.
Yeah.
That's the police looking for Lord Elgin.
Going to arrest him.
A bit late.
So, that's Mitsotakis there, the Greek Prime Minister,
who came over to have a meeting with Rishi Sunak,
who then cancelled it.
Had a complete hissy fit.
I mean, he's actually known as Tetchy Sunak now.
Do you think he was trying to change his image and appear more macho?
What, so go really hard on some ancient sculptures?
The Government's trying to defend the fact that it's sort of really
annoyed one of our allies for no reason at all, and it said,
"He promised not to bring this up.”
And you think, "Have you ever met anyone Greek?"
They tend to bring this up very, very quickly.
Do you want to see how the Greek media reacted to the snub?
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, let's have it.
Let's do it.
LAUGHING
But for those of us who don't speak Greek...
This is Greece, the home of diplomacy.
Given that now you can do this laser printing,
why don't we just send the sculptures back
and get new ones?
We can make ones that look so much better,
without all the little bits out of them.
Then they can put up the admission charges at the British Museum,
and it's a win-win situation.
It is, except it's free in to the British Museum.
Special exhibitions you have to pay.
Yeah.
The Elgin Marbles, that's a load of old ropey,
old Greek shit, isn't it?
That's how they publicise it.
Yes, yes.
But, lan, you probably know, you can tell us what it
means to Greek culture, the Parthenon statues,
because they don't mean anything to us over here,
really, do they?
No.
I mean, it's the frieze on the top of the Acropolis,
and the Parthenon is the one in the middle.
And it was all one frieze, and Elgin went over there,
and said to the Ottoman Empire, "Can I have permission to...
COUGHS QUIETLY: "..take a few things?"
And then he just smashed it, took half of it home.
And the idea that no-one's ever minded...
Byron at the time made a huge fuss.
And Elgin was going to put the marbles in his garden.
The only reason the museum's got them is he went bankrupt and needed
someone to buy them.
I mean, that would've been a hell of a shed.
Yeah.
Could you imagine that?
Where's Elgin?
He's down there.
With the head missing, just popping up like that.
But that's the thing, you see, it was the Ottomans, wasn't it?
Good sofas.
Yeah, exactly.
Good sofas.
That's what they're going to want back next.
They're going to want our little poofy seats.
Yeah.
Can I be honest with you?
This is all mad interesting, but I don't understand anything
you guys have just said.
I just want to put it out there.
I may not be a huge fan of Rishi, but this is historic.
Possibly the first time ever that a European nation has had to beg
a brown man for pieces of their heritage back.
It's a first.
This is the Government that four days ago said,
"We're going to change the law over Rwanda..."
Yeah.
"..So that we can ship people, live, over to Rwanda."
We can't ship some old figures back anywhere.
That would be against the law.
Well, why don't we just ship them to Rwanda,
and then let the Greeks deal with them.
Boom.
APPLAUSE
Easy.
Rishi didn't just stand the Greek Prime Minister up,
he actively insulted him.
He offered him a meeting with Oliver Dowden.
Why else might Rishi Sunak be so vexed with the Greek Prime Minister?
Oh, he met Keir Starmer first.
Yeah.
And Keir Starmer, amazingly, got through 30 minutes
without being told, "Fuck you, Keir."
That's Greek again.
LAUGHING
And then in the House of Commons, it meant that
Keir Starmer could do the "Rishi's lost his marbles” gaff.
ROSS GROANS
Janet, my question to you, is Keir Starmer sexy?
No.
LAUGHING
You had me worried.
It's a recent shot of the Labour leader.
Is that a hostage video?
Keir's adopting the tried and tested Christine Keeler pose.
And is that shaft of light coming in through the window
or shining out of his arse?
That's the question.
What is the Labour Party's policy on returning the marbles?
They're very much going to look in to it.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
LAUGHING It's the same policy on everything.
Yeah, work in progress.
PAUL: Aren't they in favour of, like, a kind of permanent loan?
Is that what they've been talking about?
I don't think the Greeks want a loan very much, cos they say,
"You can't loan it to us, cos it's ours."
Yes, yes.
Well, we should give them six months, right.
Say, six months, and if you can steal them back, they're yours.
George Osborne is the chairman of the British Museum.
What's his big idea for what to do with the Elgin Marbles?
Is he going to privatise them?
Outsource them to the Cayman Islands?
And the ones that have got limbs missing, he's
going to take their benefits away.
LAUGHING APPLAUSE
Technically, he wants to lend the marbles back
to the Greek government for a period of time.
In other news, what are the viewers of I'm A Celebrity
getting annoyed about?
Nigel Farage's fans feel that he's not getting enough air time.
Haven't we seen his bottom?
I loved that shot.
How clever was that?
I mean, to be honest, we saw his Elgin Marbles the other day.
A number of viewers have been complaining that Nigel Farage has
been edited out of recent episodes by lefty ITV bosses.
You wait till you see the edit here.
LAUGHING
His lawyer sent a letter complaining that ITV
broke its contract by giving viewers a glimpse of Nigel's
naked arsehole last week.
Well, if he'd signed a no arsehole contract,
he wouldn't have been able to go.
LAUGHING
Any lawyer will tell you that.
I mean, the suggestions are that maybe he could do
a calendar next year.
Like Cliff Richard.
Yeah.
Cliff doesn't do a naked calendar, does he?
No, but he's still doing a calendar, and that in itself
is a bit of a worry.
But at his age, you know, he only does six months at a time.
Immigration is becoming an even bigger issue
in the Conservative Party.
Figures on the right of the party are all wading
in with their solutions.
What are some of the ideas?
The problem with migration is not the illegal migration,
which is a tiny number, which is going down, the boats,
it's the huge amount of legal migration which is largely financed
by the fact that we don't have enough people to work
in the industries that people want to have them, like care homes.
Did you see who else we've got a shortage of, apparently?
Graphic designers.
Have you seen the show?
LAUGHING
What about Lee Anderson?
What was his idea for reducing immigration into the UK?
Set fire to the Channel?
No, he suggested asylum seekers should be sent to the Orkneys.
JANET: Oh, yeah.
Which, I don't know if you know, big man, is still in the UK.
What did Lee Anderson reveal recently?
He claimed he'd been offered a lot of money to defect to Respect.
Is it Reform?
Reform?
Is it Reform, it's called?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
The Tice lot.
That's right, yeah.
He was speaking at one of his road shows called Lagers With Lee...
JANET GROANS
We missed out on that one.
It's not exactly female friendly.
Women are allowed to drink lager now, though.
LAUGHING
According to the Sun...
In his defence, he might be a plank, but he did ask
quite a good question in the Select Committee
about immigration.
How many people travelling on small boats, that's been refused asylum,
have been sent to a third country or back to their own country over
the past three years?
I don't think we have...
we'll write to the committee with those numbers, Mr Anderson.
Do we have any figures about anything?
How many were sent back last month?
Have you got...?
Incoming.
To be honest, we're just ordering lunch now, so...
He knew when he flicked those papers, there was no shit written.
He knew that.
I love the way he did that, where he just panicked and he went,
"Incoming,"” and I just think I'm going to use that with my wife.
Like, literally, when she goes, "Why haven't you put the bins out?"
I'll go, "Incoming."
Wait there for a bit.
Finally, do you want to see two posh white uncles kicking off?
Yes!
It was all going down at the Covid Inquiry
when Michael Gove and Keith the barrister were having
a go at each other.
It was like mixed martial arts.
I note, Mr Keith, that you want us to keep our answers brief,
but if it's also the case that you want them to be answered
effectively, then I'll have to go on at some length.
Mr Gove...
Looks like we've got an impasse here, Mr Keith.
I've heard some in terrorem threats in my time, but that,
I'm afraid, takes the biscuit.
Mr Keith, is there a different way to ask that question?
I would say it was a promise, not a threat.
I think we can all admit that's the most violent
thing we've ever seen.
Yeah.
This is the diplomatic row over the Elgin Marbles,
where Rishi Sunak snubbed the Greek PM before he returned to Athens.
The Greeks have accused Rishi of playing politics to win votes.
That's an offensive and outrageous accusation because Rishi Sunak has
consistently demonstrated that he has absolutely no intention
of ever winning an election.
As the diplomatic row unfolded, the Mail said
the Greek Prime Minister was in high dudgeon.
Is that near Watford?
Cos I gigged there and that is a shithole.
Although he didn't meet Rishi Sunak, the Greek Prime Minister
did have a discussion about the Elgin Marbles
with Sir Keir Starmer.
And after 45 minutes, he said, "You know what?
Just keep 'em, mate.
I've got to go."
Paul and Ross, take a look at this.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
He's writing another book.
Oh, look.
That's what Harry's got us over.
There's somebody surprised at the contents.
And wondering why they're reading it in a field surrounded by windmills.
Yes, it's Prince Harry.
There's a new book about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
that's been written.
And there's some controversy because it talks about some members
of the royal family asking Meghan what colour her baby might be.
Yeah, this is the news that the royal family bicker,
fight and don't like spending time together, something we can
all finally relate to.
The problem with Omid Scobie's book is apart from the picture
of his annoying face on the back cover is that Scobie
is a friend and ally...
That's quite tough!
I don't know the brother, so if he wants to fight,
he's going to have to find me in Coventry.
Scobie is a friend and ally of Meghan and Harry, so,
as one critic wrote, it's quite one-sided,
especially chapter seven, where Kate cuts down
the Sycamore Gap tree.
Who might be angry with Scobie about the book?
The rest of the royal family, I suppose.
Yeah.
Prince Charles...
Sorry, King Charles.
I must...
Spaniel, Spaniel.
King Charles.
Are you behind on The Crown?
I'm behind...
You've not got to that bit?
I haven't watched The Crown, I'm afraid.
Ah, yeah.
I don't bother with that.
Well, spoiler alert, she dies at the end.
His publishers are quite annoyed, cos they've had to pulp...
Yeah.
...all the Dutch translation.
They accidentally on purpose to boost PR for the book included
the name of the Royal who speculated on Archie's skin tone.
There were two names.
There was two names.
And two members of the royal family.
They appear in the Dutch translation.
What would their initials be, then?
Um...
HRH.
Well, they've already been named by Piers Morgan.
Piers named them on Talk TV, so no-one still knows who they are.
It's like keeping it to himself, isn't it?
You're right to mention Piers Morgan.
He was the one that was absolutely furious, saying that...
And we all know that's Piers' job.
The Daily Mail also criticised the book for depicting the Royals
as pantomime villains, although with Andrew,
it's always helpful to hear someone shout, "He's behind you!"
Chris Rock, the American comedian, said...
He's mixed race and he said that in our families,
everybody always discusses this.
Both sets of in-laws say - how dark is it going to be,
how light is it going to be?
This is what happens.
So, even the revelation, and it was on Op-rah as well...
Ope-rah.
Ope-rah!
Her career's only over when the fat lady sings.
What else did Scobie accuse William and Kate of?
Being next in line to the throne?
He says they manipulated the press to attack Harry and Meghan,
later accusing William and Kate of...
Another lazy misprint.
What other controversial Royal is set to return to the BBC?
Prince Philip.
On Gardeners' Question Time.
He's going to crawl out...
Yeah.
Is the ghost of Prince Philip going to be the new host of Top Gear?
Is that...
Cos he was crashing cars all the time, wasn't he?
Damian Lewis is reprising his role as Henry VIII in a BBC
adaptation of Wolf Hall.
Ah!
Although, as the Mail pointed out...
Aw, that could have been a brilliant ventriloquist act.
Could have had the thing under there.
Where is he?
AS ORVILLE: He's in the castle.
What gets Camilla's eyes rolling?
Ten pence off a packet of fags?
According to Scobie, Camilla rolls her eyes
when anyone brings up...
Ironically, she seems to have quite an intolerance.
OK, where did Big King Charles pop up this week?
Oh, at the Cop?
He flew to the UAE for COP28 Climate Change Conference
where he opened the summit because Pitbull was busy.
King Charles is concerned about how hot the planet is getting,
as some members of the royal family are worried it could lead
to Prince Harry's children getting substantially darker.
This is the book Endgame, written by Royal expert Omid Scobie.
One revelation from the book is...
Which is awkward, cos that's where most of his family comes from.
Omid Scobie started out at American celebrity magazine Us Weekly,
before moving to work for Meghan on Me, Me, Me Daily.
And, so to round two, the Jigsaw of News.
Oh!
Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
Here's your first one.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
BUZZER
Well, it's either people that are up in arms about potholes,
or they don't like bald men pointing at them.
I think it's about potholes.
More and more potholes are appearing and the people
are very angry about it.
You can see he's very angry about it.
Potholes, potholes, potholes.
Absolutely.
This is the big news that potholes are becoming an even bigger problem.
According to the AA, October saw...
As a result, what advice have the AA given to any drivers
worried about potholes?
Avoid them.
Drive slowly around them.
This is boring as...
Or, is it...
Dear, oh, dear!
Is it - pay that bald man to sit on the front of your car and point
at them as he sees them?
There's one!
Woo!
Buy a bald man.
He's called Paul.
Paul.
Paul the pointing pothole...
...practitioner.
That's what he's called.
I wish it was Paul, but the AA have advised that drivers should avoid
driving over puddles.
OK, unfortunately, Puddles is a local clown.
And every time he gets driven over...
Huh-huh!
You know what?
I think the AA should get back to roads.
Stop talking about clown homicides.
They should stick to helping people to give up alcohol.
Exactly!
Some exciting news, back to the roads.
Earlier this month, Rishi Sunak pledged an extra £8.3 billion
to tackle the scourge of potholes.
He then put out this accompanying Tweet.
Oh, if you're in a hole, keep digging, guys!
I tell you, that brother on the far right ain't getting no holes,
I'll tell you that right now.
What was GB News' reaction to the advice of avoiding puddles?
Is it this?
"Oh, are we on air?
Anyone watching?
"It's ridiculous!
It's PC gone mad!
"Can't even smash up a car.
And all the cars are foreign."
On the subject of GB News, who is set to join
their hallowed line-up?
Any guesses?
Boris Johnson is.
Is it Suella Braverman?
No, it's more exciting than that.
It's the newshound and journalistic heavyweight Peter Andre.
LAUGHTER
ROSS: What?!
Good Lord!
You see, that's the thing, Peter Andre has only been booked
because they're so obsessed with trans issues and they know that
he sings about a mysterious girl!
Back on to...
Sorry, sorry.
We can't just skate over this.
Peter Andre is joining...
Peter Andre is joining GB News?!
He said that he's going to help discuss his own issues
with mental health.
Wow,
But why's he on GB News, then?
They don't want that.
They'll say, "Pull your socks up, you bloody flaky libtard!"
Are you a bit worried that's going to go up against Loose Women?
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
Are you suggesting that Peter Andre goes up against loose women?
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here's your next one.
BUZZER
Is that Canadian?
The Canadian super pig?
Yeah, this is the news that America is under threat
from a new breed of super pigs.
But what makes them super pigs?
They can fly, obviously.
Yeah.
And you don't know that it's a super pig cos normally they just
wear glasses and you go, "Oh, it's just a regular pig."
And then he takes them off and you go, "Oh,
: !II it's Superpig d, my Go
Yeah, they're highly intelligent, aren't they?
They're mad, these super pigs.
This is a bit worrying that this is the only bit of news I know.
Yeah.
Just like that through the paper, "Boring, boring...
"Super pig?!"
Yeah, they live in pig-loos where they burrow into the...
Yeah, I swear this is true.
They make...
Not that it's true, it's just that you know it.
Yeah.
Is a pig-loo made of ice or made of mud or what?
Well, it's made of ice, but they're getting smarter,
so they're going to make them out of straw, then wood, then brick.
LAUGHTER
That's how smart they are.
They're domesticated pigs that have bred with wild ones,
creating feral hogs that can weigh up to 150 stone.
Oh!
How do you stop a super pig?
You can't stop a super pig.
Well, there is one last hope.
Experts are using...
Failing that, if you can guide them into an American high school,
there's a 50% chance they'll get shot.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
Yeah, sorry...
Sorry, there's somebody in my ear.
Saying, "This isn't a real story!"
I've never had one of the earpieces in before.
It's like intrusive thoughts, but, like, that are happening...
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
It's really hard when you're talking
and they're talking.
Yeah, it's proper...
Like, it's really weird.
Like, it's all quite sensible stuff, but if somebody said,
"Pull your dick out," I'd pull my dick out right now.
LAUGHTER
Dangerous stuff!
Always good to get the excuses in early!
This is the new breed of super pig invading the US from Canada.
One news report describes the animal as...
It was bad enough when he got in last time!
Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features
as its guest publication...
...the magazine for the pirate brethren of the British Isles.
If you sense that someone's reading it over your shoulder,
that'll be your parrot.
LAUGHTER
We start with...
...and what?
JANET: Sailed off into the sunset.
Janet, you're almost there.
Aw!
Do canals traditionally run into the sea?
Is there a lot of piracy on canals?
Yeah.
Is there?
Absolutely.
Teddington Lock.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Arr, give me your treasure!
Go!
Chug-chug-chug!
That's it.
Right, next...
...for what?
Criticised for its terrible church in the car park.
Yeah, I'm going to give you that, broski.
Let's have a look.
Wow!
AUDIENCE GROANS
what are the bollards for?
To stop you thinking it's a drive-thru!
OK.
Good point.
There's nothing worse when I'm having a bit of a pray...
Passes the window, says, "I'll have two Hail Marys."
Yeah, just a vicar with a thing on like that,
"What can I get for you?
I I |
Drive-by confessional.
"I've been doing a lot of wanking!"
How brilliant is it that people of all faiths now have somewhere
they can pray that their car isn't broken into while they're
away on holiday?
I spoke to somebody that works at Heathrow and apparently
the multi-faith prayer room is a hotbed of filth.
That's where people sneak away to, um...
...shout, "Oh, God!
Oh, God!"
LAUGHTER
"Praise be!
Oh, my..."
"We have lift-off!"
Yeah, exactly.
Next...
...what?
PAUL: Take magic mushrooms.
Watch snooker in the '80s.
Yes, John Parrott.
John Parrott.
In a waistcoat.
Now, that's brilliant.
Very good!
Good one.
PAUL: If you want to see a parrot in a waistcoat,
come to Parrot Waistcoat World just off the M25 near High Wycombe.
Apparently, if you want to see a parrot in a waistcoat...
This is an article from Pirate Plunder magazine,
and here is a parrot in a waistcoat.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
There he is.
Aw.
ROSS: I would say that was more of a gilet.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER Finally...
...for what?
PAUL: Ghost of Anne Boleyn!
It's got to be a ghost, hasn't it?
No.
"Woman mistakes husband's pants..."
wha...
How?
Oh, we're about to find out!
This is a woman in West Sussex who mistook a shadow for a burglar.
Here are his pants.
There you go.
Yeah.
And here is the shadow.
LAUGHTER
I mean...
No.
I mean, it's a bit burglary!
No.
It's a bit burglary!
I mean...
No, unless you're going to be...think you're being burgled
by miniature Alfred Hitchcock!
LAUGHTER
So final scores are...
...1an and Janet have six.
Oh, for heaven's sake!
Paul and Ross have eight.
Us?!
Well done!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING INDISTINCT CHATTER
But before we go,
there's just time for the Caption Competition.
JANET: Loose Women Christmas Party.
LAUGHTER PAUL: Is it, um...
Bishop Complains About Unfair Identity Parade.
LAUGHTER
Another Terrible Edition Of Hide That Camel.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There's one bonus one.
Woman Complains About Unfairness Of Identity Parade.
LAUGHTER
Is it...
The Best Episode Ever Of Hide That Camel?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
On which note we say thank you to our panel lists,
lan Hislop and Janet Street-Porter, Paul Merton and Ross Noble.
And I leave you with the news that in California on a visit
to a fertility clinic, Prince Harry is accused of having
a rather cavalier attitude to some precious IVF samples.
LAUGHTER
In Downing Street, Rishi Sunak watches his wife's
accountants put the finishing touches on her tax return.
LAUGHTER
And there's joy all around amongst care home staff as one
resident manages to colour in a picture without
going over the lines.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE