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This program me contains
some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening,
welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Guz Khan.

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In the news this week...

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After an all-night rave,
one man is still so smashed

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he almost sets off for work
without his coat.

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After attempting a style overhaul
with a few Jacamo purchases, one man

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is relieved when his new jacket gets
a positive reaction from some

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neutral passers-by.

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And as food bank usage
reaches record levels

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in the run up for Christmas,
Number 10 devises a plan to make

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sure local schoolchildren
get their fair share.

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On tan's team tonight,
a broadcaster and journalist

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who recently cut the ribbon
at the official opening

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of a new retirement home.

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Though she was a bit cross
when they offered her

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a brochure on the way out.

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Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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On Paul's team tonight,

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a comedian who recently revealed
that he once bought

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an ex-British Army tank.

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Sounds quite fun.

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But on the downside, he actually
outbid President Zelensky.

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Please welcome Mr Ross Noble.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We start Round 1.

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Ian and Janet, have a look at this.

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He's got the hammer the wrong way.

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Yeah.

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It's the Elgin Marbles.

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The Parthenon sculptures.

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Yeah.

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That's the police
looking for Lord Elgin.

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Going to arrest him.

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A bit late.

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So, that's Mitsotakis there,
the Greek Prime Minister,

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who came over to have a meeting
with Rishi Sunak,

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who then cancelled it.

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Had a complete hissy fit.

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I mean, he's actually known
as Tetchy Sunak now.

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Do you think he was trying to change
his image and appear more macho?

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What, so go really hard
on some ancient sculptures?

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The Government's trying to defend
the fact that it's sort of really

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annoyed one of our allies for no
reason at all, and it said,

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"He promised not to bring this up.”

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And you think, "Have
you ever met anyone Greek?"

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They tend to bring this
up very, very quickly.

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Do you want to see how the Greek
media reacted to the snub?

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Yeah, let's have it.

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Let's do it.

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LAUGHING

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But for those of us
who don't speak Greek...

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This is Greece,
the home of diplomacy.

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Given that now you can do
this laser printing,

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why don't we just send
the sculptures back

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and get new ones?

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We can make ones that
look so much better,

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without all the little bits
out of them.

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Then they can put up the admission
charges at the British Museum,

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and it's a win-win situation.

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It is, except it's free
in to the British Museum.

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Special exhibitions you have to pay.

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Yeah.

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The Elgin Marbles, that's
a load of old ropey,

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old Greek shit, isn't it?

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That's how they publicise it.

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Yes, yes.

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But, lan, you probably know,
you can tell us what it

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means to Greek culture,
the Parthenon statues,

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because they don't mean
anything to us over here,

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really, do they?

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No.

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I mean, it's the frieze
on the top of the Acropolis,

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and the Parthenon is the one
in the middle.

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And it was all one frieze,
and Elgin went over there,

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and said to the Ottoman Empire,
"Can I have permission to...

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COUGHS QUIETLY:
"..take a few things?"

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And then he just smashed it,
took half of it home.

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And the idea that
no-one's ever minded...

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Byron at the time made a huge fuss.

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And Elgin was going to put
the marbles in his garden.

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The only reason the museum's got
them is he went bankrupt and needed

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someone to buy them.

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I mean, that would've
been a hell of a shed.

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Yeah.

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Could you imagine that?

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Where's Elgin?

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He's down there.

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With the head missing,
just popping up like that.

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But that's the thing, you see,
it was the Ottomans, wasn't it?

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Good sofas.

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Yeah, exactly.

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Good sofas.

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That's what they're
going to want back next.

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They're going to want
our little poofy seats.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Can I be honest with you?

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This is all mad interesting,
but I don't understand anything

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you guys have just said.

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I just want to put it out there.

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I may not be a huge fan of Rishi,
but this is historic.

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Possibly the first time ever that
a European nation has had to beg

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a brown man for pieces
of their heritage back.

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It's a first.

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This is the Government
that four days ago said,

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"We're going to change the law over
Rwanda..."

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Yeah.

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"..So that we can ship people,
live, over to Rwanda."

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We can't ship some old
figures back anywhere.

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That would be against the law.

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Well, why don't we just
ship them to Rwanda,

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and then let the Greeks
deal with them.

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Boom.

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APPLAUSE

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Easy.

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Rishi didn't just stand
the Greek Prime Minister up,

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he actively insulted him.

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He offered him a meeting
with Oliver Dowden.

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Why else might Rishi Sunak be so
vexed with the Greek Prime Minister?

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Oh, he met Keir Starmer first.

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Yeah.

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And Keir Starmer, amazingly,
got through 30 minutes

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without being told, "Fuck you,
Keir."

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That's Greek again.

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LAUGHING

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And then in the House
of Commons, it meant that

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Keir Starmer could do the "Rishi's
lost his marbles” gaff.

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ROSS GROANS

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Janet, my question
to you, is Keir Starmer sexy?

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No.

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LAUGHING

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You had me worried.

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It's a recent shot
of the Labour leader.

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Is that a hostage video?

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Keir's adopting the tried and tested
Christine Keeler pose.

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And is that shaft of light coming
in through the window

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or shining out of his arse?

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That's the question.

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What is the Labour Party's policy
on returning the marbles?

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They're very much
going to look in to it.

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Yeah, that's what I thought.

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LAUGHING It's the same
policy on everything.

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Yeah, work in progress.

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PAUL: Aren't they in favour of,
like, a kind of permanent loan?

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Is that what they've
been talking about?

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I don't think the Greeks want a loan
very much, cos they say,

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"You can't loan it to us,
cos it's ours."

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Yes, yes.

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Well, we should give
them six months, right.

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Say, six months, and if you can
steal them back, they're yours.

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George Osborne is the chairman
of the British Museum.

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What's his big idea for what to do
with the Elgin Marbles?

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Is he going to privatise them?

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Outsource them to
the Cayman Islands?

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And the ones that have
got limbs missing, he's

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going to take their benefits away.

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LAUGHING APPLAUSE

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Technically,
he wants to lend the marbles back

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to the Greek government
for a period of time.

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In other news, what are
the viewers of I'm A Celebrity

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getting annoyed about?

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Nigel Farage's fans feel that he's
not getting enough air time.

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Haven't we seen his bottom?

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I loved that shot.

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How clever was that?

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I mean, to be honest, we saw his
Elgin Marbles the other day.

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A number of viewers have been
complaining that Nigel Farage has

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been edited out of recent episodes
by lefty ITV bosses.

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You wait till you see the edit here.

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LAUGHING

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His lawyer sent a letter
complaining that ITV

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broke its contract by giving viewers
a glimpse of Nigel's

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naked arsehole last week.

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Well, if he'd signed
a no arsehole contract,

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he wouldn't have been able to go.

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LAUGHING

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Any lawyer
will tell you that.

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Any lawyer will tell you that.

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I mean, the suggestions
are that maybe he could do

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a calendar next year.

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Like Cliff Richard.

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Yeah.

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Cliff doesn't do a naked
calendar, does he?

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No, but he's still doing
a calendar, and that in itself

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is a bit of a worry.

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But at his age, you know,
he only does six months at a time.

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Immigration is becoming
an even bigger issue

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in the Conservative Party.

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Figures on the right
of the party are all wading

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in with their solutions.

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What are some of the ideas?

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The problem with migration is not
the illegal migration,

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which is a tiny number,
which is going down, the boats,

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it's the huge amount of legal
migration which is largely financed

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by the fact that we don't have
enough people to work

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in the industries that people
want to have them, like care homes.

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Did you see who else we've got
a shortage of, apparently?

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Graphic designers.

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Have you seen the show?

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LAUGHING

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What about Lee Anderson?

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What was his idea for reducing
immigration into the UK?

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00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,255
Set fire to the Channel?

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00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:09,175
No, he suggested asylum seekers
should be sent to the Orkneys.

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00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,975
JANET: Oh, yeah.

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Which, I don't know if you know,
big man, is still in the UK.

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What did Lee Anderson
reveal recently?

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00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:22,295
He claimed he'd been offered a lot
of money to defect to Respect.

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00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:23,335
Is it Reform?

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00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:24,375
Reform?

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Is it Reform, it's called?

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Yeah.

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Oh, yeah, sorry.

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The Tice lot.

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That's right, yeah.

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He was speaking at one of his road
shows called Lagers With Lee...

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JANET GROANS

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We missed
out on that one.

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It's not exactly female friendly.

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Women are allowed to
drink lager now, though.

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LAUGHING

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According to the Sun...

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In his defence, he might be
a plank, but he did ask

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quite a good question
in the Select Committee

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about immigration.

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How many people travelling on small
boats, that's been refused asylum,

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have been sent to a third country
or back to their own country over

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the past three years?

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00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,375
I don't think we have...

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00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,775
we'll write to the committee
with those numbers, Mr Anderson.

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00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:12,695
Do we have any figures
about anything?

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00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:18,335
How many were sent back last month?

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00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,975
Have you got...?

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Incoming.

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00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:32,855
To be honest, we're just
ordering lunch now, so...

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He knew when he flicked those
papers, there was no shit written.

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00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,255
He knew that.

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00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,615
I love the way he did that,
where he just panicked and he went,

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"Incoming,"” and I just think I'm
going to use that with my wife.

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Like, literally, when she goes,
"Why haven't you put the bins out?"

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I'll go, "Incoming."

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00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:51,415
Wait there for a bit.

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00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,295
Finally, do you want to see two posh
white uncles kicking off?

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00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,335
Yes!

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00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,495
It was all going down
at the Covid Inquiry

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00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,655
when Michael Gove and Keith
the barrister were having

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00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:00,855
a go at each other.

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00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:02,295
It was like mixed martial arts.

253
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,415
I note, Mr Keith, that you want us
to keep our answers brief,

254
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:08,535
but if it's also the case that
you want them to be answered

255
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,935
effectively, then I'll have
to go on at some length.

256
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:11,975
Mr Gove...

257
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,135
Looks like we've got
an impasse here, Mr Keith.

258
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,775
I've heard some in terrorem threats
in my time, but that,

259
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,215
I'm afraid, takes the biscuit.

260
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:23,815
Mr Keith, is there a different way
to ask that question?

261
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,535
I would say it was a
promise, not a threat.

262
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,935
I think we can all admit
that's the most violent

263
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:30,975
thing we've ever seen.

264
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:35,735
Yeah.

265
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,895
This is the diplomatic row
over the Elgin Marbles,

266
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,775
where Rishi Sunak snubbed the Greek
PM before he returned to Athens.

267
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,855
The Greeks have accused Rishi
of playing politics to win votes.

268
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:48,455
That's an offensive and outrageous
accusation because Rishi Sunak has

269
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,375
consistently demonstrated
that he has absolutely no intention

270
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,735
of ever winning an election.

271
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:56,775
As the diplomatic row
unfolded, the Mail said

272
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,655
the Greek Prime Minister
was in high dudgeon.

273
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:04,975
Is that near Watford?

274
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,175
Cos I gigged there
and that is a shithole.

275
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,615
Although he didn't meet Rishi Sunak,
the Greek Prime Minister

276
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,495
did have a discussion
about the Elgin Marbles

277
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:15,535
with Sir Keir Starmer.

278
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,695
And after 45 minutes,
he said, "You know what?

279
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:18,735
Just keep 'em, mate.

280
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,335
I've got to go."

281
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,255
Paul and Ross, take a look at this.

282
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,295
Yeah.

283
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:24,335
Oh, yeah.

284
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:25,815
He's writing another book.

285
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,495
Oh, look.

286
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:31,695
That's what Harry's got us over.

287
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,375
There's somebody surprised
at the contents.

288
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,255
And wondering why they're reading it
in a field surrounded by windmills.

289
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,855
Yes, it's Prince Harry.

290
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,255
There's a new book about
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

291
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:43,815
that's been written.

292
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,175
And there's some controversy
because it talks about some members

293
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,935
of the royal family asking Meghan
what colour her baby might be.

294
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,335
Yeah, this is the news
that the royal family bicker,

295
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,735
fight and don't like spending time
together, something we can

296
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:57,815
all finally relate to.

297
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:00,575
The problem with Omid Scobie's book
is apart from the picture

298
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,215
of his annoying face on the back
cover is that Scobie

299
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,415
is a friend and ally...

300
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,455
That's quite tough!

301
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,095
I don't know the brother,
so if he wants to fight,

302
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,255
he's going to have to find
me in Coventry.

303
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,895
Scobie is a friend and ally
of Meghan and Harry, so,

304
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,575
as one critic wrote,
it's quite one-sided,

305
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,255
especially chapter seven,
where Kate cuts down

306
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,455
the Sycamore Gap tree.

307
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,375
Who might be angry with
Scobie about the book?

308
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,295
The rest of the royal
family, I suppose.

309
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,255
Yeah.

310
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:28,975
Prince Charles...

311
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:33,095
Sorry, King Charles.

312
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,135
I must...

313
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,175
Spaniel, Spaniel.

314
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,215
King Charles.

315
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,655
Are you behind on The Crown?

316
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:38,695
I'm behind...

317
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,135
You've not got to that bit?

318
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:41,815
I haven't watched
The Crown, I'm afraid.

319
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:42,855
Ah, yeah.

320
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,055
I don't bother with that.

321
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,655
Well, spoiler alert,
she dies at the end.

322
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,055
His publishers are quite annoyed,
cos they've had to pulp...

323
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,095
Yeah.

324
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,335
...all the Dutch translation.

325
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,015
They accidentally on purpose
to boost PR for the book included

326
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,215
the name of the Royal who speculated
on Archie's skin tone.

327
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,375
There were two names.

328
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,615
There was two names.

329
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,295
And two members of the royal family.

330
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,375
They appear in the
Dutch translation.

331
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,415
What would their initials be, then?

332
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:08,455
Um...

333
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,135
HRH.

334
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:13,695
Well, they've already been
named by Piers Morgan.

335
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,815
Piers named them on Talk TV,
so no-one still knows who they are.

336
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,015
It's like keeping it
to himself, isn't it?

337
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,295
You're right to
mention Piers Morgan.

338
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,695
He was the one that was absolutely
furious, saying that...

339
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:31,655
And we all know that's Piers' job.

340
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,015
The Daily Mail also criticised
the book for depicting the Royals

341
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,215
as pantomime villains,
although with Andrew,

342
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:48,255
it's always helpful to hear someone
shout, "He's behind you!"

343
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,735
Chris Rock, the American
comedian, said...

344
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,135
He's mixed race and he said
that in our families,

345
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,735
everybody always discusses this.

346
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,855
Both sets of in-laws say -
how dark is it going to be,

347
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,535
how light is it going to be?

348
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:02,615
This is what happens.

349
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,255
So, even the revelation,
and it was on Op-rah as well...

350
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:06,375
Ope-rah.

351
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:14,095
Ope-rah!

352
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,135
Her career's only over
when the fat lady sings.

353
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:20,615
What else did Scobie accuse
William and Kate of?

354
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,895
Being next in line to the throne?

355
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,935
He says they manipulated the press
to attack Harry and Meghan,

356
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,375
later accusing William
and Kate of...

357
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:32,935
Another lazy misprint.

358
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,535
What other controversial Royal
is set to return to the BBC?

359
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:42,575
Prince Philip.

360
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:46,615
On Gardeners' Question Time.

361
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:47,815
He's going to crawl out...

362
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,535
Yeah.

363
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,295
Is the ghost of Prince Philip going
to be the new host of Top Gear?

364
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,775
Is that...

365
00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:01,615
Cos he was crashing cars
all the time, wasn't he?

366
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,495
Damian Lewis is reprising his role
as Henry VIII in a BBC

367
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,535
adaptation of Wolf Hall.

368
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:06,575
Ah!

369
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:13,535
Although, as the Mail pointed out...

370
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,695
Aw, that could have been
a brilliant ventriloquist act.

371
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,415
Could have had
the thing under there.

372
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:24,415
Where is he?

373
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:30,095
AS ORVILLE: He's in the castle.

374
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,455
What gets Camilla's eyes rolling?

375
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:37,455
Ten pence off a packet of fags?

376
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,175
According to Scobie,
Camilla rolls her eyes

377
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:44,855
when anyone brings up...

378
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:52,535
Ironically, she seems to have
quite an intolerance.

379
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,335
OK, where did Big King Charles
pop up this week?

380
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,775
Oh, at the Cop?

381
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,895
He flew to the UAE for COP28
Climate Change Conference

382
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:04,575
where he opened the summit
because Pitbull was busy.

383
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:07,215
King Charles is concerned about how
hot the planet is getting,

384
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,655
as some members of the royal family
are worried it could lead

385
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:17,015
to Prince Harry's children getting
substantially darker.

386
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,055
This is the book Endgame,
written by Royal expert Omid Scobie.

387
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,495
One revelation from the book is...

388
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:26,335
Which is awkward, cos that's
where most of his family comes from.

389
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:29,535
Omid Scobie started out at American
celebrity magazine Us Weekly,

390
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,175
before moving to work for Meghan
on Me, Me, Me Daily.

391
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,335
And, so to round two,
the Jigsaw of News.

392
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:40,095
Oh!

393
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,975
Fingers on the buzzers, teams.

394
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,815
Here's your first one.

395
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:49,695
Buzz in if you know the answer.

396
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,175
BUZZER

397
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,815
Well, it's either people that
are up in arms about potholes,

398
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,975
or they don't like bald men
pointing at them.

399
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,175
I think it's about potholes.

400
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,295
More and more potholes
are appearing and the people

401
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,055
are very angry about it.

402
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,975
You can see he's
very angry about it.

403
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:03,975
Potholes, potholes, potholes.

404
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,055
Absolutely.

405
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,175
This is the big news that potholes
are becoming an even bigger problem.

406
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,615
According to the AA, October saw...

407
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,495
As a result, what advice have the AA
given to any drivers

408
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,615
worried about potholes?

409
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,295
Avoid them.

410
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:17,495
Drive slowly around them.

411
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:23,855
This is boring as...

412
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,895
Or, is it...

413
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,775
Dear, oh, dear!

414
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:32,855
Is it - pay that bald man to sit
on the front of your car and point

415
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,615
at them as he sees them?

416
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,655
There's one!

417
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,375
Woo!

418
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,775
Buy a bald man.

419
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:41,815
He's called Paul.

420
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:42,855
Paul.

421
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:43,895
Paul the pointing pothole...

422
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:44,935
...practitioner.

423
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,815
That's what he's called.

424
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:51,135
I wish it was Paul, but the AA have
advised that drivers should avoid

425
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,575
driving over puddles.

426
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,255
OK, unfortunately,
Puddles is a local clown.

427
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,895
And every time he gets
driven over...

428
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,015
Huh-huh!

429
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:04,135
You know what?

430
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,335
I think the AA should
get back to roads.

431
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:09,215
Stop talking about clown homicides.

432
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,255
They should stick to helping
people to give up alcohol.

433
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,335
Exactly!

434
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,375
Some exciting news,
back to the roads.

435
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,775
Earlier this month, Rishi Sunak
pledged an extra £8.3 billion

436
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,215
to tackle the scourge of potholes.

437
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:24,575
He then put out this
accompanying Tweet.

438
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:30,215
Oh, if you're in a hole,
keep digging, guys!

439
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:33,495
I tell you, that brother on the far
right ain't getting no holes,

440
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:39,455
I'll tell you that right now.

441
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,095
What was GB News' reaction
to the advice of avoiding puddles?

442
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,175
Is it this?

443
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,335
"Oh, are we on air?

444
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,415
Anyone watching?

445
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:47,935
"It's ridiculous!

446
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,495
It's PC gone mad!

447
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,575
"Can't even smash up a car.

448
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:57,295
And all the cars are foreign."

449
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,335
On the subject of GB
News, who is set to join

450
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:01,375
their hallowed line-up?

451
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,215
Any guesses?

452
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,255
Boris Johnson is.

453
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:05,295
Is it Suella Braverman?

454
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,295
No, it's more exciting than that.

455
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,215
It's the newshound and journalistic
heavyweight Peter Andre.

456
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,055
LAUGHTER

457
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,415
ROSS: What?!

458
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,615
Good Lord!

459
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,375
You see, that's the thing,
Peter Andre has only been booked

460
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,015
because they're so obsessed
with trans issues and they know that

461
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:27,455
he sings about a mysterious girl!

462
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:28,495
Back on to...

463
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:29,535
Sorry, sorry.

464
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:30,975
We can't just skate over this.

465
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,015
Peter Andre is joining...

466
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:35,575
Peter Andre is joining GB News?!

467
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,215
He said that he's going to help
discuss his own issues

468
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:39,255
with mental health.

469
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,295
Wow,

470
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:43,975
But why's he on GB News, then?

471
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,575
They don't want that.

472
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:51,655
They'll say, "Pull your socks up,
you bloody flaky libtard!"

473
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,775
Are you a bit worried that's
going to go up against Loose Women?

474
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:55,815
LAUGHTER

475
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,575
Oh, my God!

476
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:03,655
Are you suggesting that Peter Andre
goes up against loose women?

477
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:04,775
Fingers on buzzers, teams.

478
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:09,935
Here's your next one.

479
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,015
BUZZER

480
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,055
Is that Canadian?

481
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,815
The Canadian super pig?

482
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,215
Yeah, this is the news that
America is under threat

483
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,895
from a new breed of super pigs.

484
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,135
But what makes them super pigs?

485
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:21,655
They can fly, obviously.

486
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,775
Yeah.

487
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,855
And you don't know that it's a super
pig cos normally they just

488
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,495
wear glasses and you go,
"Oh, it's just a regular pig."

489
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,895
And then he takes them
off and you go, "Oh,

490
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:33,095
: !II it's Superpig d, my Go

491
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:35,135
Yeah, they're highly
intelligent, aren't they?

492
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,575
They're mad, these super pigs.

493
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:40,175
This is a bit worrying that this
is the only bit of news I know.

494
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:41,215
Yeah.

495
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:45,615
Just like that through the paper,
"Boring, boring...

496
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,495
"Super pig?!"

497
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,895
Yeah, they live in pig-loos
where they burrow into the...

498
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:51,335
Yeah, I swear this is true.

499
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,095
They make...

500
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,495
Not that it's true, it's
just that you know it.

501
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:56,535
Yeah.

502
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,415
Is a pig-loo made of ice
or made of mud or what?

503
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,575
Well, it's made of ice,
but they're getting smarter,

504
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:04,695
so they're going to make them out
of straw, then wood, then brick.

505
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:05,735
LAUGHTER

506
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,655
That's how smart they are.

507
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,855
They're domesticated pigs that have
bred with wild ones,

508
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,775
creating feral hogs that can weigh
up to 150 stone.

509
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,495
Oh!

510
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,455
How do you stop a super pig?

511
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,135
You can't stop a super pig.

512
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,695
Well, there is one last hope.

513
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:25,335
Experts are using...

514
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:28,215
Failing that, if you can guide them
into an American high school,

515
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:29,895
there's a 50% chance
they'll get shot.

516
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:34,855
LAUGHTER AND GROANS

517
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,175
Yeah, sorry...

518
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,455
Sorry, there's somebody in my ear.

519
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:43,055
Saying, "This isn't a real story!"

520
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,215
I've never had one of
the earpieces in before.

521
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,375
It's like intrusive thoughts, but,
like, that are happening...

522
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:48,415
Yeah.

523
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:49,495
LAUGHTER

524
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,895
It's really
hard when you're talking

525
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:52,415
and they're talking.

526
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,455
Yeah, it's proper...

527
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,655
Like, it's really weird.

528
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,055
Like, it's all quite sensible stuff,
but if somebody said,

529
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,695
"Pull your dick out," I'd
pull my dick out right now.

530
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,735
LAUGHTER

531
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,735
Dangerous stuff!

532
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:10,175
Always good to get
the excuses in early!

533
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:16,255
This is the new breed of super pig
invading the US from Canada.

534
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:24,135
One news report describes
the animal as...

535
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:31,815
It was bad enough when
he got in last time!

536
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:35,015
Time now for the Missing Words
Round, which this week features

537
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:39,935
as its guest publication...

538
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,175
...the magazine for the pirate
brethren of the British Isles.

539
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,575
If you sense that someone's reading
it over your shoulder,

540
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:46,615
that'll be your parrot.

541
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:47,775
LAUGHTER

542
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:53,055
We start with...

543
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:54,695
...and what?

544
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,175
JANET: Sailed off into the sunset.

545
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,655
Janet, you're almost there.

546
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:04,615
Aw!

547
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:06,335
Do canals traditionally
run into the sea?

548
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:09,015
Is there a lot of piracy on canals?

549
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,895
Yeah.

550
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:11,935
Is there?

551
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:12,975
Absolutely.

552
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,015
Teddington Lock.

553
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,055
Is that right?

554
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:16,095
Yeah.

555
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:17,295
Arr, give me your treasure!

556
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:18,335
Go!

557
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:19,375
Chug-chug-chug!

558
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:20,415
That's it.

559
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:21,455
Right, next...

560
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:22,575
...for what?

561
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:26,175
Criticised for its terrible
church in the car park.

562
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,055
Yeah, I'm going to give
you that, broski.

563
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:29,095
Let's have a look.

564
00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:30,135
Wow!

565
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:34,735
AUDIENCE GROANS

566
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,295
what
are the bollards for?

567
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,935
To stop you thinking
it's a drive-thru!

568
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:40,975
OK.

569
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:44,535
Good point.

570
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,455
There's nothing worse when I'm
having a bit of a pray...

571
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:52,535
Passes the window, says,
"I'll have two Hail Marys."

572
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,975
Yeah, just a vicar with
a thing on like that,

573
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,415
"What can I get for you?

574
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,775
I I |

575
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,295
Drive-by confessional.

576
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:05,415
"I've been doing a lot of wanking!"

577
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,335
How brilliant is it that people
of all faiths now have somewhere

578
00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:10,935
they can pray that their car isn't
broken into while they're

579
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,735
away on holiday?

580
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,135
I spoke to somebody that works
at Heathrow and apparently

581
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,375
the multi-faith prayer room
is a hotbed of filth.

582
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:21,855
That's where people
sneak away to, um...

583
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:23,215
...shout, "Oh, God!

584
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:24,815
Oh, God!"

585
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:29,935
LAUGHTER

586
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:30,975
"Praise be!

587
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,015
Oh, my..."

588
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,895
"We have lift-off!"

589
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,295
Yeah, exactly.

590
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,695
Next...

591
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:38,775
...what?

592
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,055
PAUL: Take magic mushrooms.

593
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:43,335
Watch snooker in the '80s.

594
00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:45,335
Yes, John Parrott.

595
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:46,375
John Parrott.

596
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,495
In a waistcoat.

597
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:48,455
Now, that's brilliant.

598
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:49,495
Very good!

599
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:50,535
Good one.

600
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:53,175
PAUL: If you want to see
a parrot in a waistcoat,

601
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:56,055
come to Parrot Waistcoat World just
off the M25 near High Wycombe.

602
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:59,295
Apparently, if you want to see
a parrot in a waistcoat...

603
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,415
This is an article from
Pirate Plunder magazine,

604
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:05,935
and here is a parrot
in a waistcoat.

605
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:07,135
AUDIENCE: Aw!

606
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:08,175
There he is.

607
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,215
Aw.

608
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,615
ROSS: I would say that
was more of a gilet.

609
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:12,735
Yeah.

610
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,215
LAUGHTER Finally...

611
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,015
...for what?

612
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,895
PAUL: Ghost of Anne Boleyn!

613
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:21,815
It's got to be a ghost, hasn't it?

614
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:22,855
No.

615
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:23,895
"Woman mistakes husband's pants..."

616
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:25,015
wha...

617
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:29,575
How?

618
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,695
Oh, we're about to find out!

619
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:35,135
This is a woman in West Sussex
who mistook a shadow for a burglar.

620
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,935
Here are his pants.

621
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:38,975
There you go.

622
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,015
Yeah.

623
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:41,935
And here is the shadow.

624
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:42,975
LAUGHTER

625
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,015
I mean...

626
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,055
No.

627
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:46,495
I mean, it's a bit burglary!

628
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:47,535
No.

629
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:48,575
It's a bit burglary!

630
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:49,615
I mean...

631
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,775
No, unless you're going
to be...think you're being burgled

632
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:52,815
by miniature Alfred Hitchcock!

633
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:53,855
LAUGHTER

634
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:54,895
So final scores are...

635
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,095
...1an and Janet have six.

636
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:57,135
Oh, for heaven's sake!

637
00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,335
Paul and Ross have eight.

638
00:26:58,360 --> 00:26:59,375
Us?!

639
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:00,415
Well done!

640
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,975
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING INDISTINCT
CHATTER

641
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,015
But before we go,

642
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:08,655
there's just time for the Caption
Competition.

643
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:12,415
JANET: Loose Women Christmas Party.

644
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,215
LAUGHTER PAUL: Is it, um...

645
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,135
Bishop Complains About
Unfair Identity Parade.

646
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,655
LAUGHTER

647
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,295
Another Terrible
Edition Of Hide That Camel.

648
00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:28,655
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

649
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,695
There's one bonus one.

650
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,775
Woman Complains About Unfairness
Of Identity Parade.

651
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,775
LAUGHTER

652
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:37,415
Is it...

653
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,335
The Best Episode Ever
Of Hide That Camel?

654
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:44,255
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

655
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,655
On which note
we say thank you to our panel lists,

656
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:49,055
lan Hislop and Janet Street-Porter,
Paul Merton and Ross Noble.

657
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,175
And I leave you with the news that
in California on a visit

658
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,575
to a fertility clinic,
Prince Harry is accused of having

659
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:56,735
a rather cavalier attitude to some
precious IVF samples.

660
00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:02,215
LAUGHTER

661
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,135
In Downing Street,
Rishi Sunak watches his wife's

662
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,295
accountants put the finishing
touches on her tax return.

663
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:07,575
LAUGHTER

664
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,815
And there's joy all around
amongst care home staff as one

665
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,735
resident manages to colour
in a picture without

666
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:17,535
going over the lines.

667
00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:20,775
LAUGHTER

668
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:21,815
Goodnight.

669
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:23,615
APPLAUSE